Can we start over?
Can we get closer?
Can we start over?
Before it's over, over?

Come alive, come alive, come alive again

"You were really damn lucky, Izumi," Ann said almost reproachfully as she stuck a large plaster on my forehead. "You really should keep your distance from these people, for your own safety. Niragi isn't just part of the military, he's also a council member. That means he can make your life here a living hell if he wants to."

"You're a council member too, aren't you? Just like Chishiya," I asked, even though I already knew the answer.

"If Niragi has set his mind on something, even Chishiya or I can't do anything against him. The military has all the weapons of the Beach. Nobody messes with him without further ado! So get out of his way if you can, understand?"

Her voice now had a warning undertone. Obviously Ann seemed to be seriously worried about me, even if she was doing it in her usual brusque way.

I nodded in agreement to appease her a little, but also because there was something else I wanted to bring up with her.

"I'm finished. You can go," she said, getting up from the swivel stool to go about her business. Instead of getting up, however, I hesitantly remained seated on the examination couch.

"So Ann," I began cautiously as she turned her back to me to put her utensils back in the cupboard. She paused for a moment without looking at me. "If you like, I could try to help you a little with your work. I don't know much about all this medical stuff, but maybe you could teach me?"

Ann slowly turned back to me, her brow clearly furrowed.

"Why would you want to do that?" she asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

I folded my hands in my lap with a nervous smile.

"I don't know...I thought it might take my mind off things. Apart from that, I'd like to make myself a bit useful here. I'm not really any use in the kitchen and the military squad is definitely not for me either..."

I laughed a little sheepishly. Ann, on the other hand, didn't make a face, but seemed to be absorbed in her own thoughts.

"Ann?" I asked when she still hadn't answered after what felt like a minute. Her name seemed to bring her back to reality.

"Are you sure this job is for you, Izumi?"

Her question caught me off guard.

"Well, I can't find out if I don't try, can I?" I asked with a shrug, tilting my head to the side and grinning at her a little.

"You should have strong nerves and no disgust for blood or offal. You should also be able to work carefully and precisely and be prepared to work night shifts."

I nodded resolutely.

"I can manage that," I assured her, although I couldn't deny a certain nervousness, but I tried not to let it show in front of Ann. I had thought about this more than once in advance. It was probably the only way I could clear my guilty conscience, not only because I had to keep it a secret with Chishiya, but also to make up for my past actions. I was aware that I couldn't undo them, but I could at least try to save other people from death and help them. Hopefully that would help me sleep a little more peacefully at night in the future.

Ann still seemed to be struggling with herself, I could see that in her face.

"Please, Ann!"

My gaze automatically became a little more pleading, but Ann continued to stare into space. After a while, she finally let out a heavy sigh.

"All right, we'll try, but I won't instruct you until tomorrow. Your last game was barely two days ago and there's still a risk of late effects from your injuries. Give yourself some rest first!"

"Thanks, Ann, I won't let you down," I said readily, jumping up and raising my fist as if ready for a fight. That actually elicited a tiny smile from her.

"We'll see about that then."

Almost elated with joy, I skipped back to my room. For some reason, I had the feeling that I had made the right decision this time. Even though another encounter with this Niragi admittedly made my stomach ache a little, I was surprisingly confident overall. At least more confident than you would expect in a world where you could die at any time. But maybe I had simply gotten used to the idea of facing death. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I wanted to start enjoying the days I had left and make the most of them. And what could be more meaningful than helping other people?

That night I slept through for the first time since arriving here - at least if you ignore the night in Kuina's room. But at that time I had also been pumped full of sedatives. Even though this community was still strange and scary, I was slowly getting used to life on the Beach. However, it would probably be some time before I felt at home here, if ever. At the moment, that seemed almost unimaginable. In fact, I had come to terms with being here. This situation certainly seemed better than being completely on my own out in the wilderness. I also felt a certain sense of relief that I at least knew Makoto was safe, even if I had no idea what had happened to my parents.

After getting up, I carefully undid the bandage around my neck. The wound was already much better than the day before and the itching had subsided considerably. Only the top layer of skin was still a little roughened. As Ann had suspected, a visible scar would probably remain at the site: a permanent reminder of my actions.

I then removed the plaster from my head. Dried blood had formed on the wound in the meantime. I carefully stroked my bangs across my forehead to conceal the injury. After all, Makoto and Kuina didn't have to know everything.

I smiled at Makoto and waved when I saw him approaching our table shortly after breakfast.

"I'd better go and leave you lovebirds alone," Kuina whispered to me with a conspiratorial grin.

"You can stay," I objected, but she had already jumped up and grabbed her tray.

"See you around," she whispered and then disappeared from the face of the earth.

"She seems to be in a hurry," he said in amazement as Kuina whizzed past him like a rocket.

I just shrugged my shoulders.

"She's probably doing her daily sports program. I always feel guilty when I see her like that. On the other hand, I'm far too lazy for early morning exercise."

Makoto laughed and then sat down opposite me at the table.

"I'm glad you haven't changed."

"What about my dessert?" I asked, looking down at his empty hands with an amused grin.

Makoto scratched his cheek in embarrassment.

"I'm afraid there's nothing left today, otherwise I would have brought you a bowl of fruit salad."

"I think it's unfair that only the council members get fresh fruit. You wouldn't believe what a craving I have for watermelon," I sighed longingly.

He laughed again and then winked at me conspicuously.

'I'll see what I can do,' he replied with a smile. Then he suddenly became more serious again: "Are you feeling a bit better now? You didn't let me hear from you yesterday."

He slid his hand across the table to me, but hesitated to take mine, pausing instead to wait for my answer.

I nodded vigorously.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said quickly, reaching for my cup of coffee to take a deep pull.

"You know you don't have to deal with this alone, Tsu."

I kept my head bowed vehemently as he eyed me inquiringly. I found it hard to return his gaze, maybe because I knew he'd see right through me if I did.

"Don't worry so much. I'm stronger than I look," I replied in a careless voice.

"I know," he said with a gentle smile and pulled his hand back towards him. A brief silence ensued, with everyone absorbed in their own thoughts. "Hey, don't you fancy going for a swim with me later? It's not that crowded at this time of day."

I raised my head a little in surprise.

"You mean..." I swallowed briefly. "Just the two of us?"

He nodded euphorically and beamed at me like a kid in a candy store.

"Yes, just like old times. What do you think?"

I let out a small giggle at his enthusiasm.

"All right, why not?" I admitted defeat. After all, I couldn't avoid the company of other people forever.

"Fine, I'll just finish my work here. Let's meet at the pool in an hour!"

With those words, he jumped up and disappeared back into the kitchen. My eyes wandered around the restaurant once more as I sipped my coffee thoughtfully. There was no sign of Chishiya. He had probably been here earlier, just as Kuina had said. Was he an early riser or did he really just want to escape the daily hustle and bustle? And why did I actually care?

♡

With uncertain steps, I entered the hotel grounds, unconsciously on the lookout for a man with a patterned shirt and a rifle over his shoulder, because another encounter with this Niragi was not exactly at the top of my wish list. But the grounds were fairly well laid out, which made me breathe a sigh of relief.

Only a few women were enjoying sunbathing on the loungers. On the beach volleyball court, on the other hand, there were just two men ping-ponging the ball over the net. My attention went over to the pool. There was very little activity there too.

Most people here usually avoided the midday sun, as the risk of getting sunburnt was almost twice as high at this time of day. Wisely, I had generously applied sun cream beforehand. Fortunately, the Maki who had previously lived in my room had left behind an extensive collection of drugstore products. Even though it still sometimes felt like stealing to use her things, I no longer tried to waste too much thought on it. After all, my guilty conscience didn't bring her back to life.

With a confident smile, I pushed a pair of sunglasses onto my nose and headed for the pool, even though Makoto wasn't in sight yet. He was probably still busy in the kitchen. I relaxed on one of the many loungers and soaked up a little warmth in the blazing sun.

In this peaceful atmosphere, you could almost forget that outside these walls there was only death and despair. Instead, I felt as if I had booked a summer vacation in Okinawa. Well, the climate was perhaps less tropical, but with a little imagination you could almost feel like you were in paradise, at least for a short time.

But I also knew that this appearance was deceptive. I had only been here a few days, but I had already seen behind the façade of this supposed utopia that Hatter firmly believed existed. The military squad was just one of the many shady sides I had come across so far. These stupid ranks and the three golden rules were also part of it. Behind this perfect backdrop, death was just as omnipresent as it was outside this hotel.

I was very suspicious of most of the people here, especially Hatter and that pushy Niragi. But at least there were people I had already taken to my heart in such a short time, like Kuina or Ann. And then there were those who somehow didn't fit into any scheme. At first glance, Chishiya didn't seem as dangerous as the guys from this military brigade, but he seemed aloof and mysterious, as if he had something to hide. Maybe he even knew more about our situation in Borderland than he was letting on.

As I watched the people by the pool, I brushed my bangs out of my forehead. Sweat was already running down my face, even though I had only been sitting in the sun for a few minutes. Sluggish from the heat, I slipped off my yukata and looked for a spot in the shade. The desire for a refreshing dip in the pool was growing by the second, but to be fair I wanted to wait until Makoto had found his way here.

When he finally emerged, his eyes scanned the grounds searchingly. I raised my hand and waved to him with a smile. His face brightened noticeably when he noticed me. He hastily sprinted over to me, carrying a small box with a handle.

"Hey," he propped himself up on his knee, panting quietly, "I hope you're not waiting too long."

"It's all right. I've only been here a few minutes. Why do you need this bucket?" I asked with a skeptical look at the plastic box in his hand.

"That's the reason I'm late," he opened the lid and held the container under my nose. Inside, I could see red pulp cut into thin slices.

I looked back at him in amazement. Makoto just grinned mischievously.

"You got watermelon? Where from?"

"Secret, but shhh," he lowered his voice and put his finger to his lips. "Don't go around saying it like that or I'll get in trouble."

I giggled softly.

"So you're a fruit dealer? You shoul be ashamed." My hand reached into the cooler and fished out a small red triangle. "You're the best," I smacked my lips as I took a hearty bite of the juicy flesh. There could hardly be any better refreshment in these temperatures.

Makoto smiled gently and then flopped down on the lounger next to me, watching me eat almost gleefully.

"As hoped, there's not much going on. After noon, you can forget about relaxed swimming here in the pool."

"Don't you have to help prepare lunch?" I asked curiously.

"I'm off today until the evening. But I'm back tomorrow for lunch and dinner," he explained and also took a piece of melon out of the box.

"Then at least you can get some rest."

"Yes, at least a little."

"I've finally got a job too," I explained with a slight hint of pride in my voice. "I'm starting tonight."

"Really? Where?" he asked, visibly astonished.

"In the infirmary. I asked Ann if I could help her with her work because she has so much to do and she actually agreed," I said happily, nibbling another corner of watermelon from the cooler.

"Wow, and I thought you couldn't stand white walls anymore and now you even want to work there? How come?"

He sounded genuinely interested and, if I wasn't mistaken, even a little worried.

"Hmmm," I leaned back a little thoughtfully, "I thought I could at least do something useful this way."

He nodded hesitantly.

"I understand that. Without any work, i'd really had cabin fever. It's a good distraction from the cruel reality."

"Yes, I hope it might take my mind off things. Also I'm doing something good. I can support Ann and help people. Maybe I can even take care of their psyche when they're feeling bad."

"Well, your selflessness is impressive, but I think you should take care of your own psyche first and foremost. You should learn to talk about what's bothering you, Tsu. You don't have to deal with everything on your own. I told you that back then."

I could feel Makoto's penetrating gaze on me. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from me, but instead I stared impassively at the pool while I tried hard to hold back the tears that were already gathering in my eyes.

When it became unbearable, I abruptly jumped up from the lounger.

"Well, I'm ready to cool off now. Last one in the pool loses."

I quickly slipped out of my flip-flops and ran towards the water in high spirits. Makoto seemed puzzled for a moment, but then quickly pulled his T-shirt over his head and was soon right on my heels. Laughing, I turned around and picked up the pace again. Just before I reached the edge of the pool, I held my nose and took a plunge into the cool water.

At first, the water was even colder than expected and the chlorine immediately stung my eyes. When my head emerged from the water again, Makoto had already dived out of the water next to me. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and rubbed the water out of the corners of my eyes with a grin to regain a clear view.

"That was a pretty unfair move," he complained, but laughed at the same time.

I cheekily stuck my tongue out at him and splashed him with water.

"Unbelievable, this girl," he said artificially and came straight at me. I quickly whirled around and tried to fight my way through the water by rowing my arms, but Makoto was a very good swimmer and caught up with me again within seconds. But I wasn't going to give in so quickly and did everything I could to catch up again.

I succeeded for a short time, but then I realized that I was already gasping for air. Makoto overtook me once more and then suddenly stopped unexpectedly, sending me drifting straight into his arms. My heart stopped for a moment as he pulled me close to him with a firm grip.

"Where are you going, little fish?" he whispered softly in my ear. My nervous giggle died out as I pulled away from him slightly, but Makoto didn't let up. He pressed his cheek against mine and stayed in that position for a while, while I was a little overwhelmed by his sudden approach.

Makoto wasn't normally the type for such offensive gestures, at least back then it had taken half an eternity before we had even held hands for the first time, let alone hugged. Maybe it was because we had been in an intense relationship for four years before this whole situation.

And maybe he didn't want to waste any more time now he was afraid of dying in the next game. It was all understandable and yet I felt increasingly uncomfortable in his embrace. I pulled away from his grip, hesitantly, but firmly enough to make him understand.

"Is everything all right?" he asked anxiously as I swam back to the edge of the pool.

I put on a fake smile.

"Yeah, sure. I'm... I'm just a bit out of breath. I'm not used to this anymore."

"Understandable. Maybe you should do some training, just in case you get into another game of spades next time," he suggested, following me to the edge of the pool.

"Yeah, certainly not a bad idea," I mused, leaning back against the cold tiles and then looking up at the sky as I let my legs drift in the water.

"I'm really glad to have met you here again," he said and also leaned back a little without taking his eyes off me. "I still don't understand why you ended it, but I accepted it...because I wanted you to be happy. You know I would have stayed by your side until the bitter end if you had wanted me to. Just one word from you..."

"I know, Makoto," I interrupted him and looked over at him with a serious face. "I never doubted it."

"I hope it's not too late to change your mind somehow," he murmured, much more reserved this time. "I've never stopped thinking about you, you know."

His gaze wandered over to me, almost dreamily, while I feverishly searched for words that wouldn't hurt him, but wouldn't get his hopes up either.

"I've often thought about you too," I replied truthfully, carefully weighing up my words. "But even if I don't want for anything here in terms of my health - this world... I think it would be easier not to enter into a deeper relationship here. That would make everything much worse than it already is."

As I looked at him, I could see that he wasn't satisfied with my answer.

"I understand why you see it that way, but maybe the opposite is true. Maybe it also gives us hope and the confidence we need to get through all this."

"That's very optimistic thinking."

"Well, you've always been the one with the glass half full. What's happened?"

"I'm just trying to be realistic," I explained curtly and then turned away to do another lap.

"People here are all trying to enjoy their lives because it could be over any day. What would be wrong if we tried it again together?" he called after me and followed me with a hasty swim.

I sighed and then turned to face him.

"Give us... a little more time, will you? We've only just met again."

He shook his head, uncomprehending.

"You're a tough cookie, really. But whatever, I can wait. Because it's you."

His smile was a little agonizing, but he didn't seem upset, disappointed at most. After that, our conversation became more inconsequential again, which I was glad about. I don't know how much longer I could have withstood his questions.

At the moment, I found it difficult to justify my decision rationally. It was more of an inner feeling that stopped me from getting into a relationship with him again. I still had feelings for him, without a doubt, but time had also changed me. What had happened to me had changed me. I was no longer the same person I was when I got together with him.

The circumstances, especially my illness, had made me think more deeply about my previous life and yes, maybe I just wanted to make a completely new start, without the previous restrictions. I wanted to enjoy everything, all the things that I hadn't been able to do just a few months ago because the risk of dying from the lack of oxygen was too great. I had also lacked the necessary energy for these activities.

But here I was free.

Here I could start my life all over again and shape it according to my own ideas. Only one thing had remained: the fact that it could be over any day - with the only difference that this time my fate was not depending on a stupid list, but solely on myself.