My head and my heart are torturing me, yeah
Lost my mind in your arms, I go to extremes, yeah
When the angels tell me run, and monsters call it love, oh-oh
My head and my heart are caught in-between, yeah

Something was different when I woke up that morning.

There wasn't the familiar softness of my mattress, not the cosy warmth that usually enveloped me. Instead, I was lying on an unusually hard surface. The sterile, cold material pressed uncomfortably into my bones when I stirred and a sharp, familiar odour rose to my nose. Disinfectant.

But maybe it wasn't the strange surroundings that had woken me from my sleep. Perhaps it was my own thoughts that were running restlessly through my head - like fleeting dream fragments.

Not just thoughts. No, much more images. Memories.

I opened my eyes, blinked against the harsh light and stared at the white ceiling while the events of the previous evening shot through me like an electric shock.

Makoto.

The kiss.

My hasty escape.

I sighed heavily and covered my face with my hands, as if I could banish the images from my mind.

What the hell had possessed me?

I had just left him there by the pool - all alone and probably plagued by self-doubt.

But that wasn't the worst part by far. The worst thing was that I had come here of all places. To the infirmary.

To him.

I sluggishly moved my head to the side and lifted myself up a little to look around. The clothes Chishiya had given me - simple, loose clothes that were stored in the infirmary for emergencies - felt scratchy on my skin, but at least they were dry.

I was lying in one of the beds in the patient's room. Glaring sunlight flooded through a narrow gap between the curtains. Blinded, I squinted and instinctively raised my hand to block it out. My gaze wandered fleetingly over the neighbouring beds. They were empty. The room was completely deserted.

Chishiya had left.

Of course he had.

What had I expected?

That he would stay here all night to sit by my bed?

The thought made me snort involuntarily.

After all, I'd only had a little fever and bloody knees, nothing serious. No reason for him to stay at my bedside until the next morning.

And despite everything, I felt a slight twinge, a subliminal feeling of disappointment inside me that I immediately tried to shake off. Chishiya wasn't the caring type, was he? At least that's what I had thought. But yesterday he had shown a completely different side of himself - one that I hadn't expected. A softer, gentler side.

I closed my eyes again, this time not to block out the memories, but to bring them back.

I thought of the moment when he had held me close and hugged me. And the way he had said my name. In his deep, pleasant voice.

Tsuki.

My heart stumbled.

Damn.

He had caught me off guard.

Who would have thought that Chishiya was capable of such a thing?

And although I had secretly longed for his closeness, although I had enjoyed the embrace, it left me with a strange, disconcerting feeling. It was vague, barely tangible, like a shadow that lay over my mind.

What was it?

Was it the way he had held me? This unshakeable calm? Or simply the fact that it didn't really suit him?

His movements had been so precise, as if he had known exactly what he was triggering in me with that gesture. It was as if I had been held by someone who understood in theory what closeness meant - but had never really felt it. His embrace was somehow too smooth, too distant, without a hint of warmth in it.

Almost rehearsed.

Or was I just imagining it?

I bit my lip. Maybe I was just imagining it because it wasn't like him to do that. Maybe I just didn't want to believe that it had been honest, because Makoto's warning about Chishiya had become so engraved in my brain that I was beginning to doubt it myself.

I ran my fingers through my hair and forced myself to shake off these thoughts.

It didn't matter.

I slowly turned to the side, rubbed my eyes and let my gaze wander around the sparsely furnished hospital room.

It stopped at the door by the red fabric that shimmered faintly in the sunlight. My dress. It hung there, carefully on a hanger, as if someone had taken the trouble not to crease it. It almost looked like a foreign object in this colourless environment, like something that didn't belong here. Chishiya must have hung it up to dry. There was no trace of last night, when I had clutched the soaked fabric to me in despair. Nothing to reveal how the ball had ended for me.

My gaze wandered to the bedside table next to me. A water bottle stood there. A folded note was stuck to it. With a quick tug, I tore it off and unfolded it. I recognised the handwriting immediately. It was spidery, almost illegible, as if he had thrown it down with a casual flick of the wrist. His handwriting alone predestined him to become a real doctor one day.

It took me a moment to decipher the cryptic message.

No farewell greeting, no name, just these two sparse, loveless sentences, if you could even call them that.

I laughed dryly.

Yes, that sounded more like the Chishiya I knew.

Nevertheless, I turned the note over in the futile, almost naïve hope of finding something else on it. But there was nothing. No further message. No explanation.

Still, I kept the note in my hand, staring absently at the scrawled letters as if this piece of paper were a precious artefact. My fingers slowly stroked the ink, as if I could make out more from these few, laconic words. It was ridiculous. Ridiculous to cling to a few lines that didn't sound even remotely friendly or concerned. And yet they were words that came from him. Words that were addressed to me. And that alone was enough to make my heart beat faster.

Why couldn't I feel the same for Makoto?

Why did it have to be Chishiya of all people?

But before I could think these thoughts any further, I heard voices coming from the neighbouring room. Panicked, I folded up the note and stuffed it into my bra. Almost at the same moment, the door opened and Ann entered. Her eyes immediately fell on me.

"Oh," she said and looked at me in amazement. "What are you doing here?"

As if on cue, I put on an innocent grin.

"Well, ermm", I feverishly searched for words. "I actually just wanted to get a headache pill yesterday. Yes, exactly, but then I was also cold and a bit dizzy. And Chishiya mumbled something about 'sit down'. And then I sat down. And then... yes, I must have forgotten to get up again. And suddenly it was morning." I shrugged my shoulders as if it was nothing special. "But now I'm fine again," I added carefree and swung out of bed with a broad smile.

Ann raised her eyebrows sceptically as she watched me.

"I see. Sounds like you've gone a bit overboard with the alcohol. I hear the blueberry punch was quite something."

I raised my index finger as if I had just come to a new realisation.

"Yeah, that's right. It must have been that one. I felt so sick after it. Terrible swill."

I shook my head in mock disgust.

Ann nodded slowly.

"Well, actually, there wasn't any punch at the party yesterday. Just cocktails."

My face froze.

She had tricked me.

I giggled piqued and began to tidy my hair.

"Punch, cocktails... aren't they all the same thing in the end?"

Ann crossed her arms in front of her chest and gave me the penetrating look of a stern mother who had long since seen through her child.

"Well, whatever. Do you think you'll be fit again to do your late shift tonight?"

I nodded vigorously.

"Sure. No problem. I'm great."

She eyed me briefly, as if she was still looking for signs of a lie in my expression, while I forced myself to meet her gaze.

"Good, then I suggest you continue your recovery time in your own room and let us do our work."

With those words, she turned away.

I breathed a sigh of relief as Ann left the room. I quickly grabbed the water bottle and my dress and scurried outside as inconspicuously as possible. I was really grateful that she hadn't followed up - otherwise I would probably have got further and further entangled in this implausible story.

The closer I got to my room, the more cautious and hesitant my steps became. Just the thought of meeting Makoto after last night's fiasco almost choked me up.

When I arrived on the floor in the lift, I peered cautiously around the corner into the corridor. The air was clear. I took a deep breath and then slipped into my room like an agent on a secret mission.

As soon as I had closed the door behind me, I instinctively pushed the bolt forwards. Relieved, I let myself sink back against the door. Although the dress in my arms had long since dried again, it seemed to weigh heavier than usual. Or was that just my conscience?

I closed my eyes and, as if by reflex, my hands clasped the golden heart around my neck as if it were a lifeline, something to support me in my despair.

But the metal felt cold and lifeless under my fingers, just like my heart when I thought of Makoto.

It wasn't that I didn't care about him anymore. He was still important to me, a person I didn't want to miss in my life. Someone who was familiar to me. A safe harbour that had once given me a sense of security. And yet... something was missing.

It was no longer like before, when his closeness had left me with that exciting tingle, when every look, every touch from him had made my heart beat faster. Instead, all that remained was a quiet, warm affection that felt more like nostalgia than genuine passion. It was as if something had shifted inside me, as if I had grown out of an old skin without realising it.

I don't know what it was that stopped me from fully opening up to him again. Maybe it was this place, the constant threat, that had forced me to change. Or maybe... maybe I had long since lost my heart to someone else.

A faint, bitter smile flitted across my lips as I realised that I had long known the answer.

No matter what I did. I couldn't forget him and it was impossible not to think about him for even a second. Even at that moment, I wanted to know where he was and what he was doing.

Was he thinking about me too?

I had no idea. I basically knew nothing about him.

And yet... I was still looking for him. His closeness. His words. His mocking smile that made my heart skip a beat every damn time.

I hated it.

I hated that I was attracted to him, even though I could list a thousand reasons why I shouldn't be.

I hated that he triggered such contradictory feelings in me.

And I hated that Makoto's words no longer touched me, that his kiss no longer triggered anything in me except thoughts of escape.

But most of all, I hated that I no longer understood myself.

I grabbed my hair and made a frustrated noise. I felt like I was slowly losing it in this place. I should be grateful that I was still alive at all.

I lifted my head when I suddenly heard quiet footsteps outside in the corridor. There was a knock. Alarmed, I sat up, my back pressed firmly against the door and remained still. Another knock, harder this time.

"Tsuki, are you there?"

Makoto.

I startled as the door handle was pushed down. But nothing happened. He seemed to pause for a moment.

"Tsuki, you're back, aren't you? I was worried about you. Kuina and Kiko didn't know where you were either." A short pause followed, as if he was carefully considering his next words, "Please let's talk! I don't blame you either. On the contrary... I know I shouldn't have... I thought you would want it too." He interrupted himself briefly. "I guess I was wrong."

I swallowed hard, still unable to move from the spot. Maybe because I didn't want to. Not now.

"I'm... I'm honestly sorry I was...such an idiot. I guess I deserve you ignoring me. My jealousy, my rash actions. Everything I've done has only distanced you from me even more. But I often find it hard to think clearly around you." His voice became softer, almost raspy. "I still love you, Tsu, as much as the first day, and I guess the thought of losing you must have made me panic. I know that's not a good excuse, but it's the only one I have."

He paused again. It was completely silent for a moment, but I could feel tears stinging my eyes. I knew he was still waiting for a reaction from me, some sign of life, but I couldn't. I knew that if I opened the door now and looked into his eyes, I would weaken. I would forgive him, give him hope again, even though I knew long ago that things would never be the same again. Everthing just not to hurt him. Because it would break my own heart to see him like that. So I decided to persevere, even though I was finding it harder by any second.

I heard him finally sigh from behind the door.

"Right, so if you do want to talk at some point, I'll be back downstairs in the kitchen."

His voice sounded dejected, broken - so much that I almost gave in for a tiny moment.

But then his footsteps moved away.

Silent tears ran down my cheek. I hastily wiped them away, trying to swallow them down.

I knew that I would have to face this conversation with Makoto sooner or later. But not now.

I took a deep breath, trying to feel relief, but it wouldn't come. I leant back against the door, but the inner tension didn't let up.

My thoughts wandered to Chishiya. To the moment when I had revealed my feelings to him in my weakness. To the way he had listened to me - calmly, without judgement. How he had taken care of me as a matter of course.

But above all, I thought of his arms around my body. Of the unfamiliar warmth of his touch, which had caught me exactly when I had needed it most.

But with this memory came shame. First I hurt Makoto, left him in the dark about my feelings - and as if that wasn't enough, I sought comfort from the man he despised the most. A man who never revealed what he really thought and treated everyone else from above.

What was wrong with me?

And how could I ever face Makoto again?

He already believed that I was completely blinded by Chishiya. And maybe he was right.

Just the thought of meeting Chishiya again tonight when we were on duty together in the infirmary sent my body into a state of emergency.

How was I supposed to work with him after he had seen me in such a pitiful state yesterday?

I ran shaky fingers over my face as I tried to organise my thoughts. My head felt heavy, as if all the chaos inside me was weighing me down.

I couldn't look at Makoto. I couldn't look at Chishiya.

And worse - I couldn't look at myself anymore.

I had to get out of here. Somewhere, as far away from here as possible.

Somewhere where I was forced to stop thinking, somewhere where my thoughts wouldn't keep crashing into the walls of my own mind. Somewhere where I had no choice but to concentrate on the here and now.

A game.

The realisation hit me with almost frightening clarity.

I still had two days' visas. There was really no need to rush. But it certainly couldn't hurt to save up a few days. Minsu kept it that way. So did Chishiya and many others.

So why not today?

Besides, if I sat here any longer, I'd end up going crazy.

Without giving it much thought, I got up, put the dress aside and changed.

Before I left the room, I stood in front of the small mirror on the wall. My own reflection stared back at me - pale, tired, with dark shadows under my eyes. A deep breath. I quickly tied my hair tightly into a plait, even though my fingers were trembling slightly. I ignored it.

It was the right decision.

It felt right.

Without another glance back, I grabbed my jacket and stepped out.

Just a few moments later, I was back in the infirmary.

I knocked and Ann's voice called me in.

She frowned when she saw me. She was bending over a patient with her stethoscope on, listening to her breathing. Fujita was standing at the medicine cabinet looking for something, but when he noticed me, he gave me a brief, friendly smile.

"What's wrong?"

Ann paused for a moment and looked at me scrutinisingly.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Just a moment, Izumi. Why don't you go over to my office, I'll be right there," she said curtly and turned her attention back to her patient.

I nodded and disappeared into the neighbouring office. The room was simple and tidy, except for a few loose sheets of paper on the desk. With a soft sigh, I dropped into the chair. Impatiently, I drummed my fingers on the armrests.

When Ann finally entered, I immediately felt her suspicious gaze on me again.

Just chill.

"So? How can I help you?" she asked, sinking down into her office chair.

I collected myself briefly and decided to get straight to the point.

"I'd like to take part in a game today."

Ann blinked.

"Today? I thought your visa doesn't expire until the day after tomorrow."

I nodded.

"Yeah, but I'd like to create myself a little cushion. You know, for emergencies," I said with a shrug.

Ann raised an eyebrow, a gesture that begrudgingly reminded me of Chishiya.

"This... is rather sudden. What about your shift today?"

"I'll try to be back in time," I promised, though I was unsure if I could actually manage it.

"No," Ann replied immediately.

My shoulders slumped.

"What? Why?"

She crossed her hands in front of her face.

"No one can guarantee whether you'll come back from the game unscathed, whether you'll come back at all. I need you here. In the infirmary."

I leaned forward indignantly.

"But what difference does it make if I leave today or in two days? I'll have to leave at some point anyway."

"The difference is that I can plan it better."

I bit my lip.

"Please, Ann! I feel better when I have a few days in the back of my hand. I just had a heart attack the other day. Something like that could happen again at any time and what if I have to recover and can't play?" I continued to argue.

Ann looked at me thoughtfully for a moment.

After a while, she said:

"Fine, I'll let you. On one condition." Relief flooded through me and I nodded willingly. "Only if Chishiya agrees."

My face froze.

"Seriously?"

"He would be the one who would have to work alone in the infirmary. It would only be fair if he gave his consent."

I let myself sink back into the chair, groaning.

"Do you really have to do that?"

"That's the condition. Think about it. I'm busy now."

With those words, she stood up and left the room.

I snorted angrily.

Was she serious?

I should go to Chishiya and ask his permission?

Absolutely not.

I could vividly imagine how he would react. How he would look at me with that cool indifference in his eyes, as if he were analysing me.

"Oh, a game then?" His voice would have that mocking undertone, that amused disinterest that drove me crazy every time. "Quite motivated after last night. Let me guess: It's not about topping up your visa, it's more about running away from something." I could vividly imagine him deliberately pausing for dramatic effect as an amused smirk crept onto his lips. "From a certain puppy, perhaps?"

I shook my head as if I could banish the idea.

No, I certainly wouldn't give him that satisfaction. And knowing Chishiya, he wouldn't agree anyway - just to annoy me. Just because he had briefly shown a softer side yesterday didn't mean he was suddenly a different person.

Chishiya remained Chishiya.

And I definitely wouldn't beg him for permission. Not a chance.

I ran a hand through my hair and took a deep breath.

No. I didn't have to justify myself to anyone - especially not to him.

I would just go.

What difference did it make? As long as I was back in time for my shift, he wouldn't even notice I was gone. No one would complain.

Yes, exactly.

It was my decision.

My life.

I'd just play a game, secure a few extra days, clear my head - and then turn up for duty as planned.

No big deal.

With this conviction, I pulled up the zip of my jacket and left the infirmary with firm steps.

As you may have noticed, I have now numbered the chapters consecutively. I can't believe I'm almost at chapter 50. I never planned for this plot to take up so many chapters, but here we are.

The bad (or somehow good) news: I basically only have one chapter left to translate. At the moment I'm stuck on writing because the current chapter is a bit challenging to write. Let's see how I get on with it. So this means there won't be any more Monday updates for the time being because I can't translate anything I haven't written yet.