I can feel the fire when I breathe in
Waking up the giant that′s been sleeping
Playing this game for a reason
Been playing this playing this game

Never say die
Never say die
You're gonna see me standing with my fist in the sky

The image on the monitor switched back to the graphic showing the Ferris wheel, accompanied by a time display that inexorably counted down the seconds, starting at 30. My heart drummed almost painfully against my chest as I struggled to ignore the piercing eyes that were still on me as best I could.

How could I even make such a decision? What should I make it dependent on?

After all, apart from Makoto and the people I had come here with, I didn't know any of these people. I was shocked to realize that I didn't even know what number Makoto had been assigned during registration. I peeked out through the window, but couldn't see him anywhere quickly.

A warning beep made me pause again in panic.

10...9...8...

I didn't have another chance to find out. I was running out of time and the pressure inside me grew with every second that passed. I had to act. If I didn't, all my teammates would die in one fell swoop. So I spontaneously decided to follow my intuition. My finger hesitantly touched a random number on the display.

Player no. 3 had been chosen by Fortune. The challenge is initiated.

I heard the organ music outside briefly speed up a little. The colorful lights of the Ferris wheel suddenly moved all around like the hands of a giant clock until they finally came to a stop on the 3. With an oppressive feeling, I stared at the monitor in front of me again and watched as the cabin slowly moved towards the ground and stopped right at the foot end.

Meanwhile, I hardly dared to take my eyes off the screen, not wanting to know whose fate I was to decide. But I could not stop the inexorable, I knew that. Reluctantly, I took my eyes off the monitor and forced myself to look at the cabin I had chosen instead. It was a few meters away from me, but I could still make out that it must be a man who was in the gondola. He looked very young, but the distance made it difficult to estimate his exact age. What I recognized without a doubt, however, was the helplessness reflected in his eyes as he looked over at me.

The challenger has 60 seconds to beg Fortune for mercy.

The time display appeared on the monitor again and a soft crackling sound reached my ears, followed by a tense breathing noise.

"Hello? Can you hear me?" I spoke uncertainly into the microphone of the headset.

"Ye-yeah," stammered a trembling voice that sounded much younger than I had first assumed. "P-please let me l-live."

The fear was palpable every word of him.

"Calm down! I have no intention of hurting you," I tried to reassure him, because after all, it was the truth.

"I don't w-want to die yet. Please," he whimpered as he pressed desperately against the glass of the cabin window. The whiny sound in his voice almost tore my heart apart.

"What's your name?" I asked him.

He hesitated briefly.

"T-tanaka Haruki."

"And how old are you?"

"Sixteen."

I swallowed. So he really was only a teenager. Presumably this boy hadn't even finished school yet.

"My brother is only a year older than you," I said, without knowing exactly why I was telling him that. Maybe because he reminded me of him somehow.

"Is he here too?" he asked a little more calmly now, sounding almost a little curious.

"No, fortunately not."

"I lost my younger sister in the last game. She was only 11," he said in a choked voice. An audible sob came through the headphones. Then the warning signal announced the last 10 seconds.

"Please don't be afraid, Tanaka-kun. Everything will be fine," I assured him, sounding more confident than I felt. With another crackle, the connection was interrupted again, but I had already made a decision.

Time has run out. A decision is due.

The image on the monitor changed again and now revealed the four tarot cards I had to choose from. Without hesitating for long, I selected one by tapping it with my finger.

'Strength' was selected: Fortune has shown mercy. Player 3 has successfully completed the challenge. Congratulations!

I breathed a sigh of relief. The first round was over. Only 12 more to go. With a soundless laugh, I closed my eyes and began to massage my temples as a slight pain spread through my forehead.

Don't lose your nerve now.

Fortune must take a toll as punishment.

Damn, I'd almost forgotten that

Before I could think about it any further, a sharp, painful tingling sensation ran through my entire body, as if red-hot needles were shooting through my every nerve fiber. The pain spread mercilessly like an intense tidal wave from my head to my fingertips. An uncontrolled twitching seized my muscles and paralyzed my lungs. My breath stopped. A dark shadow settled over my field of vision as I felt like I was burning from the inside out.

As I slowly regained consciousness and my surroundings gradually took on contours and colors again, I noticed that my fingers were vibrating slightly, as if they didn't want to let go of the pain completely. The tight-fitting metal band around my neck felt as if it had engraved itself directly into my skin.

I gasped in disbelief. I assumed that everyone had experienced the feeling of a mild electric shock at some point in their lives and knew the lightning-like tingling sensation it left in the fingertips. But this was a completely different dimension. Even after the pain had faded, I could still feel the force of the electric shock reverberating through me. My heart had stopped for a moment, but now it continued to drum vigorously, as if it was trying to bring me back to reality. I blinked in confusion and tried to straighten up a little, but my body suddenly felt so infinitely heavy as I struggled to regain my bearings.

Round 2:
A random player is selected.

I hated this game already. While mercy meant that the player's life was spared, it also meant pain for me in return and that I had no influence on the choice of the next player. It was my punishment for daring not to choose death. The game, however, seemed to want me to choose death. It wanted me to go to my pain threshold.

The lights on the wheel flashed again, forming a kind of arrow that spun in a promising circle several times before stopping at one of the upper booths. It was number 24, and my heart automatically beat faster as I sent a silent prayer to the heavens that it wouldn't be Makoto. Slowly, the selected gondola descended. As soon as it came into my field of vision, however, I realized that it was a woman, middle-aged I guessed. My ear crackled again briefly and a connection was made while the timer started.

"Please be merciful to me! I have children," she screamed hysterically before I could even say anything. "I have to get back to my family."

I heard a loud vehement knocking in the background and when I looked over to her cabin, I realized that she was vigorously drumming her fists against the window as she pierced me insistently with her gaze.

For a brief moment, I tried to collect myself and closed my eyes. Then I turned them back to the monitor.

"How many children do you have?" I asked calmly, unsure of what else to do. My question immediately seemed to calm her down a little.

"Two girls. And I also have a husband. They must be very worried about me already. I miss them so much. I want to finally see them again," she moaned and let out an audible sniffle.

"You definitely will," I said confidently. "Just don't lose hope."

"Please have mercy on me! I've never done anything wrong and I'm a good mother."

"I believe that. Please don't be afraid. I won't let you die."

Just the thought of making two children orphans filled me with a gnawing sense of guilt that I couldn't simply ignore. Even if I had killed someone in the heat of the moment in the last game, I was far from being a murderer.

When the warning tone sounded, my finger was already hovering over the tarot card with the lion's head. An animal that represented strength. Was I strong just because I chose to have compassion and save a life, even though it meant I had to endure pain? But what was a short pain against a human life? No one should have to die this way, begging for their own life hoping that fortune would be merciful. The fortune that I embodied.

In the real world, I had always had to rely on other people and put my life in the hands of strangers, especially doctors. My entire life had been dependent on a stupid list that would decide if and when I was entitled to a donor heart. But who decides who is entitled to a new chance and who is condemned to die? Who deserves to live on? And above all, how can you make such careless decisions about the lives of others without knowing them? However, the criteria for receiving a donor organ were completely different from those I now had to consult in order to make a decision. If it were up to me, everyone would go on living.

Time has run out. A decision is due.

I groaned softly. That unbearably, unchangingly friendly female voice with its cursed serenity would surely haunt my nightmares if I ever left this place alive.

I decidedly touched the lion symbol, this time with much more inner tension. I tensed up a little and clasped my hands tightly around the chair, waiting for my well-deserved punishment. When it came, the pain shot through me with indescribable intensity. My muscles clenched so violently that I thought they would tear at any moment. A muffled scream escaped my throat as my fingers automatically clutched the back of the chair tighter and tighter. When the pain finally subsided, I sighed with relief and placed a shaky hand on my chest. The hammering of my heart had taken on an almost alarming speed and my ears were ringing. Foggy from the pain, I tried to lift my head, but the deadly collar seemed to have become a little heavier. It squeezed mercilessly around my throat, almost choking me off. The urge to tear it off by force grew stronger every second.

But my attention was quickly drawn back to the cool electronic voice. With an effort, I lifted my head and looked directly into a familiar pair of eyes.

Makoto.

Weakening, I pulled myself up and leaned forward so as not to lose sight of him, but the Ferris wheel continued to spin mercilessly as my gaze followed him. I saw him pressing his hands firmly against the glass. The agonized look on his face shook me to the core. He tried to give me an encouraging smile, but his eyes betrayed compassion and uncertainty. It felt like he was feeling sorry for me, just like when we had been together and I had learned that I wouldn't live much longer. But I didn't want to be pitied. I had longed for emotional support and an escape from my dark thoughts of impending death. Instead, I had had to build up Makoto, who had been almost harder hit by the news than myself at the time.

My eyes quickly returned to the monitor to catch Makoto's number.

He had the number 4.

Knowing him as I did, that would definitely worry him, as he had always been quite superstitious since I knew him.*

Round 3:
A random player is chosen.

I took a deep breath and then sank resolutely back into the chair as I tried to shake off the rest of my anxiety. At least this way I was spared having to choose someone myself, but I was still worried that Makoto would be chosen.

No matter who was chosen in the end. No one would have to die today.

Fate has to pay a toll as a punishment.

When I heard the sentence for the fifth time, I had almost gotten used to the pain... or so I thought, but when I regained full consciousness this time, I found myself trembling all over the floor. Confused, I looked around. I was sweating from every pore and my breathing was intermittent. I groped for the chair next to me for support, but I noticed how the energy was being sucked out of my body bit by bit.

By now I was sure that the electric shocks were increasing in intensity with each new round. My heart, which had continued to beat fast and strong at the beginning, now seemed to stumble almost painfully in my chest. I wouldn't last much longer and we weren't even halfway through.

They want me to choose death. They want me to push myself to my limits. That's how this game was designed.

I had been carrying this realization around with me for some time, but now it was an undisputed certainty. I would have to kill someone in this game in order to keep living. Whether I wanted to or not.
That was my fate. A fate that was imposed on me like a heavy burden.

At the moment, I was certain of one thing above all: I wanted to live. At any cost. I had finally had enough of looking death in the face. I would rather face it with determination and kick its non-existent butt.

I struggled to get up again. My whole body ached, but it was difficult to pinpoint the exact location of the pain. It seemed to have taken over me completely. Weakening, I slumped back into the chair.

A random player was also chosen in round 6. This time the choice fell on a man who was rather strongly built and looked like someone who had an immense advantage in spades. But perhaps this impression was deceptive. In contrast to the others, he seemed relatively calm. Perhaps he was lulled into a sense of security because he had noticed that I had granted mercy to everyone without exception so far.

In the meantime, I had thought that it would probably be tactically cleverer to ask other questions. I didn't get very far with the name and age anyway to make a sensible decision.

"Have you ever killed anyone before?"

My question made the man pause momentarily in irritation.

"Do you mean in Borderland or before?"

"I mean have you killed someone on purpose, no matter where."

"Define deliberately."

I rolled my eyes, a little annoyed.

"With premeditation."

"No, but I've killed people in the games because I wanted to survive."

This time I was the one who paused for a moment. In fact, I had too. So how could I condemn him for that? And at least he wasn't trying to lie to me to save himself.

"Tell me something about yourself that will convince me to let you live."

He gave a short, toneless laugh.

"You're not going to kill me anyway. You don't have the guts for that, little girl."

"You don't even know me!" I snapped at him. For a moment, I was surprised at myself.

Since when did I let myself be provoked so easily?
Maybe it was just because he was right.

The acoustic signal started again. The minute seemed to get shorter with each round and I still had no idea what I should decide.

Should I condemn this man to death because he had spoken the truth? Or should I kill him to prove to myself that I was perfectly capable of killing someone? And what did that say about me?

"You'll kill yourself if you let everyone live. You realize that, do-?" his words were abruptly cut off by the connection.

He was right.

I would kill myself if I let this collar maltreat me for another seven rounds. But what else could I do?

As the four cards appeared on the screen, my eyes slid over them thoughtfully. My finger hovered hesitantly over the card with the human heart.

The Fool.

Normally, every tarot deck I knew featured a man in a jester's costume on this card. It was the first card of the Major Arcana. I had also learned this from Makoto. But this version of the card looked as if it had been made especially for me.

Was I foolish because I had a heart? Even if the heart in my chest was defective, I still had a heart for others.

The warning signal grew louder and was on its last legs. Before I had given it more thought, my finger had touched the card with the heart.

'The Fool' was chosen. The challenger's life is spared.

Instantly, the card on the monitor went out. I had actually carelessly used up the only joker I had at my disposal. But at least I didn't suffer a penalty this time. Nevertheless, I regretted my decision a little when I saw the man turn away from me, shaking his head and looking disdainful. Had it really been worth it? He certainly didn't seem particularly grateful. He probably really did think I was a fool.

This time I could choose someone on my own. But since I didn't know who I should have chosen anyway, my finger landed on a random number again, except for 4.

In the gondola that descended towards me sat another man, this time with a rather lanky build. As the gondola was one of the few that was completely surrounded by glass and therefore completely transparent, it was easy to see him, but he had turned away from me almost provocatively. He didn't look at me, although I was sure he knew he had been chosen by me. Just a few gondolas away, I saw someone waving frantically at me. When I recognized Makoto, I smiled and raised my hand too. Somehow it reassured me a little to know that he was nearby, even if I couldn't hear him.

My ear crackled again briefly.

"Have you ever killed someone with intent?" I asked again.

There was a long pause.

"Hello, can you hear me?"

My voice automatically got a little louder.

"I can hear you very well," he replied in an almost emotionless voice.

"Then answer my question," I urged him.

"I don't see why."

I snorted.

"Maybe to save your life."

"You didn't even kill that rude guy in front of me. Even wasted your one wild card on that idiot. Then why would you kill me? Besides, I might as well lie to you too."

"You're not exactly making me choose you, anyway," I growled a little angrily. "And it's rude not to look people in the eye when you're talking to them."

"I think it's smarter not to reveal my weaknesses to Fortune."

I groaned softly.

This guy was driving me to the brink of despair. But my gaze was distracted once again by Makoto's wildly swirling arms. With a furrowed brow, I looked up at him and watched as he pointed in the direction of the man in the transparent gondola while silently moving his lips.

What was he trying to tell me?

From his fervent gestures, it had to be something important. I tried to pay closer attention to his lip movements. Then to his waving arms again. This time he grabbed his neck as if he were strangling himself and then pointed in the direction of the man again.

When I finally realized what word he was trying to tell me, I widened my eyes in horror and then looked back in disbelief at the man who still had his back to me. And now I finally realized why.

He was a murderer.

Obviously one you should know. At least Makoto seemed to know him.

The time display appeared on the monitor again.

"Do you have any last words?" I asked, trying to hold back the tremor in my voice. What I was about to do would take a lot of effort, but I trusted Makoto.

"As if a do-gooder like you could live with the guilt of killing someone. Empty threats," he replied dismissively.

"Let's see about that," I grumbled. As the acoustic warning signal faded away again, my finger rested on the card with the coffin, my heart beating vigorously.

'Death' was chosen. The challenger will be punished by Fortune.

At that moment, I saw the guy slowly turn to me and give me one last devastating look before he was blown to smithereens before my disbelieving eyes.

Completely paralyzed, I stared at the gondola, which had turned blood red in a matter of seconds. The blood made its way down the glass in thin rivulets. Shreds of flesh were hanging loose in some places. Now I knew what the others' collars were for.

I involuntarily turned my eyes away from the horrible scene and began to retch.

What had I done?

It was all my fault.

Resigned, I propped my elbows on the table in front of me as I tried to control my rattling breath.

I just couldn't panic now.

The game wasn't over yet.

My eyes caught Makoto's figure as if it were my lifeline to cling to. He nodded encouragingly at me this time and gave me a thumbs up.

Why did it still not feel like I had done the right thing?

I had recklessly snuffed out a human life. I had killed with premeditation, which made me a murderer myself. But I didn't have time to think about it any longer. Time ticked on mercilessly and forced me to make another decision. I wished I could have talked to Makoto, but I would have had to choose him to do that.

The next few rounds demanded everything from me. I didn't want anyone to die in this cruel way again, so I gave mercy each time until I was just a huddled bundle on the floor. By now my body felt almost numb from the pain. The electric shocks still seemed to go through my body in waves, even after the power had long since been cut off. Whimpering piteously, I tried to sit up again. But I was too weak to pull myself back onto the chair. Instead, I tried to cling to it so that I wouldn't lose my grip and sink back down to the floor. The image on the monitor blurred a little before my eyes as the Ferris wheel started moving again to select a new number.

How many rounds have there actually been?

I didn't know.

I hadn't heard the announcement at the beginning and was now struggling to decipher the number on the screen.

4.

No.

Please, no!

And yet, strangely, a tiny part of me was happy to hear his voice.

"Tsuki, I implore you: Stop giving people mercy! You can't save everyone. You'll kill yourself if you keep doing this. Please be reasonable! Just this once."

At that moment, I couldn't hold on any longer. The tears burst out of me like a violent tsunami as I shook uncontrollably all over.

"What am I supposed to do? I don't want any of this," I sobbed, burying my head helplessly in my arms as my tears left unsightly stains on the seat cushion. "I can't do this anymore."

"There is another option than death."

"But then three people die at once. I can't do that."

"You can, Tsuki. You have to. Unless you want to kill me. Then I can't stop you either. But you have to go on living. For your parents and your brother. I don't have a family that will miss me. You are my family, Tsuki."

"You can't be serious?" I said, stunned. "I could never... ever..."

I swallowed hard.

"It's your choice, but don't choose mercy! I can't watch you torture and kill yourself just to save others."

There was another plea in his voice.

The annoying organ music outside got faster again as the seconds ticked by. When the signal sounded, I was gripped by inner panic. I laboriously tried to pull myself up a little to reach the screen with my finger. It was already hovering over the lion's head out of habit, but paused hesitantly for a moment while I thought over Makoto's words again.

At the last second, I decided on a different card.

* in Japan the number 4 is supposed to be an unlucky number