This chapter is dedicated to Dee because I didn't realise I hadn't already dedicated a chapter to you? mental? anyway ily and I'll get round to dedications for everyone that asked for one!
DeeQuinn28 ♥️♥️♥️

(26th December 1977)

'Will you stay with me? Just for the night?'

That's what she'd said to him before he fell asleep, drowning in dreams of her. The last thing he'd seen when his eyes finally lulled themselves shut was the ardent green of her eyes, pools of inky black stretched across her irises, twinkling under the starlight. She had been smiling softly, a smile that looked like a promise. Her lips had been slightly pinker from their kiss, which he could still feel on his own lips now, tingling with electricity.

'I'll stay as long as you want me to, love.'

Is what he had said back, and he'd meant it at the time. He'd wanted to stay his whole life, but now he was awake, and her eyes were closed, not sparkling with red wine and sultry adoration. Now her lips weren't tinged like they had been, instead they were slightly parted with blissful sleep. Now he looked at her and realised it had been a lie. He couldn't stay, he couldn't trust himself not to be so dangerously in love with her.

He traced circles on her arm, so gently the pads of his fingers barely grazed her freckles, but he wanted to be touching her. He watched her face as she sighed in contented delight, still not waking up and James was almost glad, because when he would eventually build the courage to climb out this window, she wouldn't be there to stop him.

James didn't realise there were tears in his eyes until they began to cloud his vision; the freckles on her arm melded together and the red waves of her hair bled into the pillow like they were being dissolved. His tears gently hit the fabric, he hoped they would be gone when Lily woke up, so that she wouldn't notice the woe and heartbreak he'd left behind in the clouds of cool blue in her bedroom.

He felt like he was drowning with the sight of her. So much feeling. So much emotion. Too much everything.
Water felt like it was filling every crack in his resolve, crowding him and suffocating him. The room smelt something sweet, like cinnamon and sleep, like her and him. James wondered if she'd notice the smell when she woke up. If the pillow would still smell like him or if the open window would swallow the intimate aroma.

Lily's breaths were shallow, impervious and beautiful while he cried. She was so delicate when she slept, like she might break in her dreams. The thought of leaving terrified him almost as much as staying. But staying meant loving, and loving meant no going back.

Closing his eyes for a moment, James leant down to place a kiss to Lily's temple, his lips deft and delicate on her skin. She tasted like lavender shampoo and the tears that his lips had caught.

It felt too easy to slip out the bed and cross the bedroom to her window, passing the camera he'd bought her and picking up the photo album as he went.

Just as James was about to slip out the window, leaving her back at the beginning, he stopped to gaze at her once more. He told himself it was for her protection, he told himself it was for his own good.

But really he was drowning.

'I'll stay as long as you want me to, love.'

He hated being a liar.

♣ ♣ ♣

(26th December 1977 continued)

Usually Boxing Day was a quiet affair in the Potter household. Most residents nursing a hangover or another, and not rising from their beds until well after noon. However today Marlene McKinnon appeared in James' room just before lunch to find him awake and staring wistfully out his window.

"Who's stolen your ice cream, Prongs?" She asked, slipping into the room with Esme-Leigh Bisset in tow.

James turned and as soon as he saw the two of them he immediately morphed his expression into a vision almost identical to genuine delight, but there was something about his demeanour that still felt peculiar. If Marlene hadn't known James since before he knew himself, she might not have noticed the distant, glassy expression in is eyes.
"Alright girls? How's the baby?"

"Elle est trop mignonne!" Esme grinned, her hair was no longer green and red, she'd changed it in favour of her usual hazy purple.

"We actually came to get you, Sirius and Monty but I haven't seen either?" Marlene continued, just as James stood up in search of a jacket to pull over his Gryffindor quidditch jersey.

"Sirius went back with Moony last night, don't know why they didn't just stay here? And dad will still be sleeping off the killer hangover."

Marlene kept a watchful eye on James as he spoke, there was a thickness in the back of his throat, like he'd been crying.
"Well then it looks like you'll be the first Potter to meet Jaya!"

This time his grin was genuine and Marlene could have sighed with relief. She might not have been entirely sure what was wrong with James, no doubt she'd figure it out soon, but in that moment, seeing Jaya seemed to be something he needed.

They apparated to St Mungo's with a crack, landing them in reception. The woman behind the desk smiled at them cordially as they hurried straight past and into Darren and Amira's room.

James held open the door for the two girls and entered last, rather sheepishly with his shoulders bent low, as if he were trying to adjust his height to appear less intimidating.

"James! Where's everyone else?" Darren asked, getting up from his fiancée's side to briefly hug James.

"They're sleeping and with boyfriend but I'll let them know you were asking for them," he said, rubbing Darren's shoulder before moving closer to the bed to see Amira cradling a tiny bundle of blankets.

Marlene took a seat next to Esme-Leigh and watched as James' eyes filled with wonder at seeing how small Jaya was, a bundle of unmeasurable, perfect innocence.
Amira was grinning when James hugged and congratulated her briefly, Marlene always thought her future sister in law was beautiful, but something about the way Amira lit up with her daughter in her arms made her radiant.

Marlene had written to James last night, assuring him he'd cry when holding Jaya and she'd been absolutely right. The poor bastard was biting back tears as he fought to see through them and at the little girl he held in his arms. Marlene wasn't really his sister, and neither was Darren his brother, but they'd been brought up so tightly that it almost felt like he might have been holding his niece. There was something new and beautiful in the air, and the aura that seemed to be following James like a shadow dispersed when he held baby Jaya close to him.

"I bloody knew he'd cry, he's a sap when it comes to children, can't bloody help himself," Marlene muttered to Esme at her side, smiling fondly even if her words were considered malign but she was right, James was cradling Jaya like she'd hung the moon and cured disease.

"He came out the womb a father." Esme agreed and Marlene spared her a glance. Her lightly freckled cheeks were blushing and there was a hesitant smile on her glossy lips and in her turquoise eyes.

"Keep it in your pants, woman!" Marlene hissed, "you're too young to be the sort of girl attracted to that sort of character trait!"

Esme-Leigh shot her a look, expression scandalised but she made no move to deny or justify her actions. It was one thing Marlene usually respected about her best friend, she tended to have a streak of honesty, her philosophy was that if something should be said then there was no point lying about it, even if it got her in trouble. However today she could have done without it.

"You are a nightmare," she whispered.

"Va te faire foutre!"

"I'll think about it. In the mean time, we should let Amira get some rest," they stood up just as Darren was taking Jaya off James.

"She's a wonder," he told him, the sparkle in his eyes not quite what it should be but it was there somewhere.

"That's cause she's mine."

"Nah, that was all Amira, wasn't it?"

Amira laughed, "of course. I'm radiant."

"That you are. Anyway, we'll be seeing you," James spun on his heel to face Marlene and Esme-Leigh, "shall we ladies?"

They nodded, each taking one of James' arms to side-along dissapparate. He saluted Darren once and then they were gone.

♣ ♣ ♣

(26th December 1977 continued)

James arrived back home with a thump, Marlene and Esme clinging to either arm which the former dropped at first convenience in favour of clumsily falling onto the living room couch. Esme soon abandoned him as well, but in favour of the kitchen to raid the pantry.

"What did you think of Jaya then, you big div?"

"She's perfect, isn't she?"

James watched Marlene's eyes fill with pride and her expression sweet, fit to burst with it.
"She's a McKinnon. Of course she's perfect- and she shares a name with me!"

"Of course, I'd forgotten the rule that all Marlene's in the world must meet requirements of perfection."

"Exactly. See you're picking it up now. Bit slow on the uptake but you've always been slow haven't you?"

James fixed her with a malicious glare, one that might have cut her in half had she cared enough to meet it head on.
"Just because I'm not a seeker, doesn't mean I'm not fast. Anyway, my speed is sustainable."

"Whatever, Dumbledore."

He flashed her his longest finger rather crudely before leaving her to find Esme-Leigh with her head in the pantry.

Watching her rummage around, humming to herself in dulcet tones, gave him a fleeting moment of silence, when the water came back to drown him and the distractions dispersed. He thought of Lily. He couldn't help it. Esme-Leigh moved like her in a sense. Where Lily was gauche, Esme was elegant, and where Lily was calculated, Esme was rash but they both had the same air of wonder around them. And peculiarly he'd also noticed that they both lifted one foot off the ground when reaching for something up high. He shouldn't have been comparing them, they weren't comparable by any sense, and he supposed he wasn't really putting one against the other. He was just looking for reasons to justify thinking about Lily.

"You staring, mon minette?"

"Always, my dear Ez, always."

Esme pulled her head from the pantry and turned to face him in a flurry of multicolour, a wide and elfish grin on her face when she finally met his eye. Her eyes were like the sort of waves that lap the shore on a quiet night. Dark, deep and everlasting blue. He shouldn't have thought of the ocean as he met her eyes, because as soon as the thought creeped into his brain, he was drowning again. He was climbing out Lily's window, he was letting tears wet her pillow. He was scared. He was alone.

Almost as if she'd noticed his discomfort, Esme-Leigh allowed her eyes to morph into a iridescent purple, and then to her natural chocolate brown. James was the only person he knew of that knew that her real irises were the ones she wore now, and he got a strange sense of comfort from the intimacy of it.

It became clear when Esme closed the kitchen door that she'd figured out something was a miss with him.

"You can tell me," she said, taking a calculated step towards him where he rested against the kitchen counter.

James ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the strands and wishing he hadn't let Sirius steal the last cigarette from his packet upstairs.
"I'm not sure."

The two of them gazed at each other for a beat, something unspoken and important passing between them in shades of silver and blue, halfway between a secret and a promise. It had always been that way with James and Esme-Leigh. Something unspoken, something they didn't want to talk about; surrounded by rumours their whole life, that they were dating. Sometimes it felt like it was something they owed people, other times it felt like something they owed each other. There was an understanding there, in the sense that there would always be that security, in knowing the other was there one day. It was something not many would understand, unique to the two of them.

And so when Esme shrugged and advanced slowly closer it didn't seem out of place. Why should she have to know what he was thinking all the time? Why should she demand to fix his problems when she could just acknowledge them and allow them to fix themselves?

"Don't tell me then, but promise if you need to, you'll will?"

James watched her eyes, the ones only he would see, filled with sincerity and truth. He was a mess, but something about her seemed to be always collected, always at ease. He knew he could tell her if he wanted, but it felt like he'd ruin that something unspoken that they shared.

"I will," he lied, stretching out his arms to wrap her up in them. She was taller than Lily, but slightly slimmer and she was constantly warm. Sometimes it was easy to see Esme as an Angel, something that might not be real if you stared for too long, looked too hard. She felt sort of like a dream to him– the sort one forgets as soon as they wake up; something always just out of reach, but he'd never tried that hard to catch on in the first place. He'd never cared much for dreams since the dominos.

But instead of falling, this was drowning, consumption by waves, by the knowledge that he'd left Lily alone. That he wasn't who she thought he was. That he was scared. That he was a mess.

Esme-Leigh sighed against his chest and he was reminded that she was there, quietly comforting him in a way she seemed to always know how.
"Thank you," he whispered into her hair and watched as it turned pink where his breath touched.

He wasn't sure how long they stayed in their embrace, wishing the world away until Sirius burst in the room with his usual flounce that he carried after spending time with Remus.

"Am i interrupting something?"

"Non, entré," Esme replied, pulling away gingerly, followed by a conversation in rapid fire French with Sirius that resulted in her clipping him round the ear before she left.

"What was that about?"

James shrugged, grabbing some bread from the cupboard Sirius had just opened.
"Nothing."

"And I'm a Slytherin."

(26th December 1977)

Lily awakes from a dream of crashing waves. She shouldn't be startled, someone should be there when she wakes up.

But he's not.

Lily opens her eyes to realise that James is gone, an open window letting in gusts of bitter cold air, blowing a wind like gasps of warning.

Oddly the first thing she feels is relief, although if it's because of her relief of waking up from the waves or to find herself alone, Lily isn't quite sure. Her dream was of drowning, in perilous, unforgiving waves, forced to bow to their prowess; as if the waves could laugh at her anytime she tried to reach the surface. She might have had too much experience with irony, but this was probably the the most she'd felt it in her life.

Nevertheless she was alone, and yet she couldn't bring herself to be distraught. Kissing James had been more magical than she'd dreamed it might be. It was all consuming devouring, wonderful and gluttonous. It felt stolen, like she hadn't deserved it yet, it felt like perhaps he was kissing someone else, someone he mistook her for. Kissing James was everything, but he wasn't hers to kiss. Not now, at least. Lily was in a million places at once, she didn't belong in many places that she hadn't crafted in her own head, and to James she was still Lily Simpson- still a normal girl in every definition. She was pedestrian, she was reinsert, perhaps a little bit boring, and she most certainly could not do any sorts of magic. She felt like a liar, like she'd duped him somehow.

If he hadn't left then, she would have told him to leave anyway. Even though she could still feel her lips tingle from the taste of his kiss; she could still sense his presence fill the room even when he wasn't there; even if the bedsheets smelt a little like him.

She'd dreamt of waves because being with James felt like drowning. It was like a loss of control. She got washed away in icy snd unforgiving waves whenever she thought of him. And so until such times as she could learn to breathe underwater, Lily would shut the window to be rid of the icy whispers of a December morning; she would light a candle to be rid of his consuming presence, and perfume her sheets to he rid of his smell, the cigarettes, brandy and bonfires.

By the time the house began to wake, it was impossible to tell he'd been there at all. The only thing that remained was a posh camera and the ghost of a tingle on Lily's lips where he had kissed them.

♥ ♥ ♥

(27th December 1977)

Walking in the winter seems like an agreeable idea in hindsight, from the solace of a warm house, but when forced to carry out such a task, things don't seem as fantastic.

Lily discovered this on her way back to work at Indulge. It had been nearly two days since James had left through the window and she hadn't seen him since, if he'd been out running then she'd missed him.

The streets were vacant this time in the late afternoon, unusual even in the laziness that follows Christmas; making Lily feel like a sort of pariah, left alone to roam the streets of Cokeworth.

Shades of dazzling blue and orange swept the streets as afternoon lazed into evening, the two separate skies haphazardly stitched together, and Lily powered on, the promise of the warm cafe motivating her to keep walking.

The door to Indulge was cracked with a door stopper when she arrived, signalling she was not the first in and she thanked the gods for that fact because when she crossed the threshold hot air stole the harsh wind like a sharp intake of breath.

"Is it still afternoon enough to call it afternoon?"

Lily looked up from her boots to set upon the lanky, slightly gawky Christian Steinfeld. She hadn't spoken to him much since she'd abruptly kissed him to convince her sister they were a couple.

(Christian and me... we're friends)

She'd told James that last night, but she'd been so close to him and her heart was beating so fast it was humming so there wasn't much room to think coherently. Lily had no idea if Christian knew they were friends. In reality, she didn't have much clue about anything at all. Kissing James had thrown everything out of focus and she'd sunk beneath baleful waves.

She could feel the questions on Christian's lips, they were thickening the air like flour to cake batter. Christian held his fire for longer than Lily expected his resolve to be; allowing her a minute to pull off her hat and scarf along with her jacket to set onto the staff coat pegs, and he even held his tongue long enough to allow her to fetch an apron from the back room. She was tying it behind her back with his eyes on her when the tension became unbearable. It was so thick Lily felt herself wading through it with every passing millisecond.

"Just out with it, Christian, please!"

She thought she saw him sag out the corner of her eye while she set to work preparing the worktops.

"What happened on Christmas Eve? Why did you kiss me? Why haven't we spoken since? Are you angry with me?"
His words were frenzied, they fell out of his mouth as if they were falling off a cliff.

Lily ceased wiping the counter for a brief respite in which she fixed her eyes on to him, her undivided attention on his pale blue eyes.
"Okay," she sighed, waves of embarrassment clear on her pink tinged cheeks, "I'm going to sound like an arse but you deserve the truth..." she paused, unsure how to best phrase her words, something she was usually good at.
"I'm not interested in being anything other than your friend. I think you're good company and all, but the only reason I kissed you was because my sister wasn't convinced we were for real. It was an awful thing to do and I should have explained but it's done now."
She held out her hands as if he might slap her wrists. It was an awkward gesture that didn't feel quite right on her arms. Apologies did not come naturally to Lily Evans.

Christian regarded her for a tense moment nodding once, slowly.
"It's- it's fine."

"It is?"

He shrugged, (it looked much more genuine on him) "'course! I always sort of knew it would be like this anyway."

"Really?" Lily resumed her task of wiping the counter while Christian began organising the cups.

"Yeah, you'd obviously been spending all that time that made your family suspicious somewhere. I'd seen you and that boy together before and I sort of knew."

Suddenly she froze again, going stiff and rigid, the cloth she'd been cleaning with came to halt and began dripping water down onto the floor.

"I- we-"

"Don't worry."

"I'm not I jus–... everything feels like a mess to me right now. Even if there was something possible between James and I, I'm not sure I'd be able to pursue it. It's not about him, it's... I don't know."

Christian had his back to her when he spoke, Lily might have guessed it was deliberate.
"That's alright. You don't have to know. We can be friends, if you like."

"Can we?"

"Sure, we've got to get through this shift with just each other for company anyway, I'd like to make it home."

Lily laughed for the first time in two days and even if it didn't make anything clearer, it was alright because it felt a little bit easier.

"You and me both. Let's do this then!"

♥ ♥ ♥

(29th December 1977)

Dorcas' bedroom was decorated with various things that didn't belong together. It felt like the section of a trinket shop that everything without a place was cornered off to. Yet somehow the mismatch of colour, texture and shape seemed to work. The walls were probably painted a dark green but there were so many photographs and posters on the walls that it was difficult to tell. Movie posters; romance, horror, action; band posters; ABBA, The Carpenters, The Beatles, Queen; and photographs from various displays by Alice and Lily from Indulge. Sunflowers, crashing waves, evening skies. But among all the cluster, there was an equal amount of Polaroids tucked into corners of posters and in any available space. Polaroids depicting memories she wished to savour forever. Days with Lily and Alice, pictures with Marlene, some with her mother. It was easy to see just by a single glance this was Dorcas' room. An organised hurricane.

"Marlene told me she's looking for an excuse anyway, Lily. There's no harm in exploiting it," Dorcas said in a matter-of-fact tone.

The three girls –Alice, Dorcas and Lily– sat cross legged on Dorcas' bed, an embarrassingly large pile of sweets spread between them. They were discussing the up and coming New Years Eve. Usually there was a party in Cokeworth community centre but it was never worth going to. The trio had been under the impression for many years that New Years Eve was one of those holidays that should be grouped with Valentine's Day– celebrated by very few and enjoyed by even less. New Years Eve was the sort of day that one sets out to enjoy just to be severely let down by the end of the night.

"She said, James, Sirius and her were attempting to escape a 'rich people party.'"

"And what were they planning on doing instead that's worth blowing off the promise of good alcohol?" Lily queried; unwrapping a chocolate and popping it into Alice's mouth.

"It depends. Marlene said she'd try and charm her step-dad into being soft on her and letting her use the family's lodge. They're not a fan of the new year either."

Alice frowned, her gentle face knitting together at the eyebrows and her button nose scrunching slightly in her perplexity.
"But what's the point in spending a holiday we don't like with people that don't like it either?"

"That's the great part, we can celebrate whatever we want. It'll just be the lot of us."

Lily nodded slowly, her turbulent expression that of rising water.
"Define what you mean by 'everyone' please?"

"Are you on glue? Who do you think I mean? Us, Frank, my girl and her friends."

"...All of them?"

"Yes."

Lily said nothing.

"Lily, pet, what's the issue?"

The air became suddenly thick as the ambience in Dorcas' bedroom changed like the flick of a switch– a change of tide.

"I..." she sighed, pulling on the ends of her auburn hair to distract herself from thinking of the tear stained pillow she'd woken up to on Boxing Day. "It might be a non-issue."

"Well, what is it anyway?"

Lily sighed, "can I— can I just keep it a secret for now? If I need to then I'll say something."

She was sure that Alice and Dorcas shared a look over her hunched shoulders but it was easier not to care.

"You tell us what you like, kiddo."

"Thank you."

There was another look over her shoulder, it was loaded enough to taste in the back of her throat.
"Whatever you need."

(29th December 1977)

"Come on! Please? Dad won't even know!"

Stephen Hatch regarded his stepdaughter for a moment, a hint of humour in his eyes.
"It's not your father I'm worried about. It's your mother –aka: my wife– who will probably end my life if she finds out I gave you the keys to Gregor's lodge."

"That may be an issue," Marlene nodded sarcastically, stroking her chin, "and seen as she's such a senior member of law enforcement she'll probably evade Azkaban too." Her tone was stoic as she hopped onto the kitchen counter, watching Stephen bustle around the kitchen.

"You do make a fantastic point, Lene. Meaning you've proved my point for me. I will not give you the keys to the Fawley's lodge."

"But Father's family literally never use it! There is more chance of Stoke City winning the FA Cup than the bloody Fawley's being in their lodge!"

Stephen deserted his chopping knife momentarily to spare a look at Marlene, the humour still dancing in his eyes as he attempted to remain irked.
"Your mother will have my head. I've no idea why we even have those keys but I will not be giving them to you."

"Not be giving what?" Came the voice of Felicity McKinnon as she came gliding into the room, graceful in her business suit as a swan taking to water.

"Nothing, darling!" Stephen winked at Marlene while turning back to the chopping board and picking up his knife.

"We were just talking about the keys to father's lodge. It was all very innocent, mum," Marlene protested, her demure smile shinning like an angel.

"And you weren't going to give them to her?" Felicity seemed deeply shocked, almost wounded by such a suggestion. "I didn't leave my first husband for my better one to be so boring! Isn't that the point of marrying younger men?"

"Mother!"

"Two years, Felicity! Two!"

"Yes, and Gregor is ten years older than me. Still a younger man."

Stephen set down his knife one more to rest is elbows on the work top, head in hands.
"Don't you see what she's doing, darling?"

"What is she doing?"

"Yes, what am I doing?"

He spun round to face his wife while Marlene looked down from her perch next to him on the counter.

"She's looking for an excuse not to go to the ministry ball."

"Of course I am! That was never a secret, dad!"

"Marlene McKinnon! You don't want to spend six hours sucking up to ministry bootlickers and be forced to dance with pureblood boys you don't know?! Why, I am utterly appalled!"
Felicity placed a hand on her heart, her mouth forming a perfect 'o' and expression of shock as if she'd been betrayed.

"I'm so sorry, mother! There are only so many times I can get away with dancing with James and Sirius before it's evident I'm hogging them. Speaking of, they'll be angels if you give us the keys I promise. I'll keep them in line."

"You will or will that Lily-girl you've been spending time with babysit?"

Marlene didn't answer, instead she fixed her mother with her most virtuous smile, white teeth gleaming against ivory skin.

Felicity pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed.
"Give her the keys, Stephen. But if her father finds out I'm blaming it on you, alright?"

Stephen grinned, pulling a set of keys out his back pocket and tossing them to Marlene.

"Wait?... You've had these the whole time?"

"What? No!"

Marlene was chuckling now, she hopped off the counter, throwing the keys in the air and catching them.
"Yes you did! You were always going to give me the keys, weren't you?!"

Stephen said nothing, he only went preparing the dinner.

"Weren't you?"

Her stepfather waited until his wife wasn't looking then winked. Marlene grinned.

♣ ♣ ♣

(31st December 1977)

"It's just a fucking car, mate. We need to get to Wiltshire somehow."

James stood in front of Lily's father's car with an unsettled feeling in his stomach, like something was trying to beat its way out the skin of his abdomen.
"I know it's a fucking car, Pads, but I'd rather not die in one."

"I wouldn't worry about that," Dorcas Meadowes laughed as she hopped into the backseat of the roofless car without opening the door, "Lily drives like my Nan."

"Your Nan's dead, Cass," Marlene frowned from the passenger seat.

"Exactly."

Sirius clapped James on the shoulder, "what's the worst that could happen?"
The malefic look James shot his best friend might have been enough to kill him through non-verbal magic.
"Okay maybe don't answer that."

"James, whatever aversion you have to cars can you get over it soon because we're already late seen as Marlene can't organise a piss up in a brewery so she'd told the other lot to be there half an hour early."

Marlene audibly winced at her girlfriends words, "that's why the made me Head Girl, sure."

James looked at the car again, running his eyes up and down it like he was scanning it for potential disasters. The car was a steel blue Beatle. The roof was down but Lily was working on getting it up before they left. He'd done well avoiding Lily up until today; especially seen as avoiding Lily was the very last thing he wanted to do; but now she was far too close for him not to feel like her infectious presence wasn't drowning him all over again.

"Well, as long as I sit in the middle we're golden."

"Why do you want to sit in the middle?" Sirius asked, but he opened the door for James to clamber into the middle anyway.

"Because the person in the middle is statistically less likely to die in a car crash."

"How do you know that?!"

"Why do you know that?!"

"What makes you think I'm going to crash this car?"

James didn't answer any of them, he just shoved Sirius out the way so he could get his seatbelt on. Despite not answering, his mind wandered to Lily's words as they pulled away onto the road. It was the first thing she'd said to him since they'd kissed. It felt as though he'd imagined the entire thing. Something about it didn't feel real, it didn't feel tangible. And there she was, as beautiful and ethereal as ever. As if she wasn't real either. Nothing made sense anymore but they were already pulling away, driving towards something different.

♣ ♣ ♣

(31st December 1977 continued)

James, Sirius, Lily, Marlene and Dorcas had been crammed into Lily's father's car for an hour. In that time Marlene had lost (and found) the map; Sirius had nearly fallen out the window; Dorcas had fallen asleep and woken up (twice) and Lily had barely spoken a word (which hadn't gone unnoticed by James).

"James?" A voice whispered beside the man in question and he turned to see Dorcas awake again, her head tilted on his shoulder to see him properly.

"Dorcas?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Depends," he replied, still whispering but unsure why. The rest of the car was buzzing with low conversation as they'd apparently gone into a phase of tranquil in the car. The radio played a smooth track that nobody seemed to recognise.

Dorcas leaned in close so her mouth was directly next to his ear. He could feel her lip gloss grazing his skin.
"What happened between you and Lily?"

For a moment James was nearly too startled to speak. Dorcas sat back down, a self satisfied smirk on her glossy lips.

He looked at her for a solid second before his eyes drifted to the girl in the drivers seat, her auburn hair licking the back of her neck like astonishing flames; her green eyes narrowed in concentration, the colour mimicking the forest she drove through.

"Nothing."

Dorcas raised an eyebrow.

"Something. But... I'm not sure what," their voices were so low it was barely considered talking.

"Well all I know is I've not seen you too so frosty since you first met and yet there's a shiny new camera in her bedroom that her family could not afford," she glanced back up at Lily to make sure she couldn't hear them. "So whatever it is, apologise. Even if it wasn't your fault because Lily seems to be allergic to apologies– it's one of her only faults."

"I'll take your word."

"Good man."
Dorcas resumed resting her head on his shoulder and allowed her eyes to shut. The peace left James to consider the role his new friends seemed to play in his life. Dorcas, despite not knowing him long, seemed to be playing a larger part than he imagined she would, and Lily perhaps the biggest. So why couldn't he talk to her? He didn't know. All he knew was drowning...

Careful not to rouse Dorcas, James pulled a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lit it by Sirius' cracked window. The smoke tasted sweet and welcome. He needed to destroy something, why not start with his organs?

He smoked in blissful peace for a minute before Lily turned to glare at him, the cute concentration on her face vanished in favour of vehement anger.
"Will you put that bloody thing out? You'll make the leather smell!" She hissed.

"Sorry," he said quickly, noticing as soon as the words left his mouth that they would usually follow an absurd nickname, but this time none came. All that came were crashing waves to consume him. He leant over Sirius, mindful of Dorcas on his shoulder and let the cigarette drop out the window, disappearing behind them with so much more he couldn't seem to say.

(31st December 1977)

Marlene's father had a secluded lodge in the back of beyond just off Wiltshire. It sat alone and proud, overlooking a lake like it were the water's keeper.

The group of them arrived just as the sun was going down to see lights already on, fairy lights strung from the outside on the veranda and there was more already up inside. The whole place radiated a romantic ambiance, glittering in rose pinks and comforting oranges.

"Looks like the others are here already," Marlene commented quietly, as not to wake the three sleeping people in the back seat.
Lily pulled the car to a stop, pulling up the hand break and careful not to jaunt the car as she did so.

"Aren't they cute?"

"What?"

Marlene nodded towards James, Dorcas and Sirius bundled together. Dorcas had her head rested on James' shoulder and his head was resting on top of hers. Sirius had managed to manoeuvre himself into James' lap and was sleeping soundly there.

"I'm really glad Cass gets on so well with everyone. And everyone just seems to get on as well," Marlene was talking to Lily, her tone low and honeyed, but she was staring wistfully towards her girlfriend and two friends.

"We all think you're great, really Marlene."

"Yeah?"

Lily nodded, the other girl tearing her eyes away to meet Lily's, something hopeful and sweet in her crystalline blue eyes– a rare display of innocence on Marlene's face.

"Yeah."

"So why have you been avoiding James like he's got the plague?"

Time stood still as soon as the words left her mouth and Lily sucked in a hard breath, feeling it her lodged in her throat, the air had grown spikes all of a sudden...

"I'm..."

Lily looked away, glancing at James and then out the window. But even as her eyes were fixated on the lodge, all she could see in the backs of her eyes was James, looking somehow angelic in sleep, like the world couldn't hurt him now his eyes were closed. He was beautiful in that sense– that nothing could get in his way if he didn't allow it. It was a trait that Lily had longed to have since the day Professor Dumbledore visited her house and left for good, taking magic with him and leaving her only with a letter. It was a trait she didn't have until the day she burned that same letter. And now here he was, James Potter. A boy that somehow managed to show her there was more to life than hiding and make-believe. There are other sorts of magic if one learns to look in the right places.

"Forget I said anything."
Marlene's voice seemed distant when Lily heard it, her own thoughts having dragged her so far away.

"Oh—"

But Marlene had done her the grace of moving on without question, instead devoting her attention to waking up the rest of the car.
"OI!" She clapped her hands suddenly, unable to conceal a grin as they all simultaneously jumped (Sirius almost a foot in the air).
"Let's get a move on sleepy heads we've got a party to have!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot we had one of those," Sirius remarked, "and it looks like the other lot are already here."

"We've established that already, Black. Get out the damned car and see for yourself."

Sirius rolled his eyes but flung himself out the car regardless and made a beeline for the lodge, followed by James. Lily was the last to file out the car, almost too enthralled by the scene of something resembling hope to remember she was supposed to be drowning...

♥ ♥ ♥

(31st December 1977 continued)

"Don't go wasting your emotion!" Marlene serenaded Dorcas to the music from the record player, Esme-Leigh had brought a stack of LPs that they had begun to work their way through, the likes of ABBA, Queen and other kinds of dance music.

Most of the group were dancing in some form. Sirius had dragged Remus to dance with him (although he didn't seem to have put up too much of a arduous fight); Alice and Frank were spinning under each other's arms; and Peter was dancing in between the kitchen and third-wheeling James and Esme-Leigh.

But despite not dancing wildly like the rest of them, Lily still couldn't help but be caught in an addictive rhythm.

"Lay all your love on me!"

But despite the aura of the room, Lily's eyes kept finding James and Esme-Leigh. Every time she looked they seemed to be closer somehow, the music binding them by some sort of invisible tether. He was holding her waist closer to him than he ought and occasionally they would whisper something in the others ear. Their closeness make Lily feel slightly sick, and then guilty.

Seeing a smile on James' face, how easy he seemed to find it being close to Esme-Leigh threatened to consume her, swallow her, drown her. The waves had returned, and returned with fervour. All of a sudden Lily struggled to breathe. Esme-Leigh tilted her head back to say something to James and they were so close he could have easily kissed her. Any air in her lungs vanished almost immediately, replaced with unforgiving, icy water.

Excusing herself to no one in particular, Lily fled the crashing, pernicious waves and emerged in the bitter winter air. There was a sense of quiet here, alone. The muffled sounds of the party were faded away against the soft lapping of the lake, contrast to the crashing waves in her mind.

The rest of the group left her mercifully alone at the beginning; and it was almost ten minutes before Marlene McKinnon slipped out the door and onto the veranda of the lodge. Her blonde hair caught the wind and blew around her face like a halo, though to call Marlene an angel was a comical idea.

"I'm going to make a guess," she said as she approached Lily at the railing, standing next to her but granting her the grace of not having to look at her when she said it.
"I'm going to make a guess and you can tell me to fuck off. But you also need to tell me what really happened, alright?"

Lily sighed slowly, "deal."

"I think you like James. I think James likes you. And I think somehow he's fucked it up for himself."

Lily elbowed her playfully, "spot on. We, um... we kissed, and then he just disappeared."

Marlene nodded, her eyes still trained on the lake, her knee length navy skirt now catching the wind as well, kept in place by a neat brown belt.
"Okay then, I'm going to tell you something that James will never tell you because I might scream if someone doesn't do it." She took a breath to separate her thoughts, the stars twinkling in front of her like a script to read. Lily couldn't help but notice how exceptionally capable Marlene seemed in this moment.

"I've known James a long, long time. Since we were kids, before going to boarding school for rich ponces. And I've watched him grow up to be a read twat in his lifetime. That means with teachers, friends, girls, enemies –you fucking name it, he was there. Anyway, one thing James has always held sacred, even at the height of his 'shit-person' phase was his parents. He was always enamoured with them, and with their relationship with each other. James is more in love with the idea of being in love than he is with the person he's loving. So he did everything in his power to avoid it for a long time, because he saw love as this sacred thing that comes above all else. The first time he ever tried to love someone was a girl called Aliona, they were together about five months and completely obsessed with each other for the time when they were together. It was the closest he'd been to loving someone, until he realised that all he'd ever be was close to loving her. So they broke up, and it hurt him a lot. He won't mind me telling you this but I think it made him give up a little bit because Aliona is fantastic and if he couldn't love her, how could he love anyone else? And if the breakup hurt so much and he wasn't even in love, what would it have been like if he did really love her?"

All of a sudden Lily felt her insides start to churn with a plethora of emotions and recognition she didn't wish to address. Marlene went on, pulling the sleeves of her jumper over her hands to keep warm.
"So he stopped trying to love anyone, he was with another girl for a while, Jazzy, but he was never all in." A reminiscent smile passed over her features at the name.
"Anyway, the point is, he's been on a crusade of self sabotage because he's been smothered with perfect things his whole life. I doubt he even knows that's why he does it but I know him better than he does, I'll guarantee it. If anything good comes about he presses 'self destruct' and..." she sighed, running a hand through her wind tangled hair.
"What I'm trying to say it, he likes you, I know that, and maybe he's in a bit deep with you because I don't think I've seen him self sabotage quite so incredibly before."

Lily learnt down, elbows leaning on the rain rotten wood. "I... wow."

"That's one word."

"Can I ask one question?"

"Fire away."

"Where does Esme-Leigh come into this?"

"Esme-Leigh?"

Lily nodded, feeling sheepish, if her cheeks weren't tinged pink from the cold then they would be now.

"It's... complicated. Esme-Leigh is the most beautiful girl in our year, probably in the whole school. She's popular, she's athletic, she's pretty. That's just always been her. And James? Well he's been her friend as long as I have, so since we were about eleven or twelve. James was popular, he was funny, also athletic– yeah he was a bit of a dick but that added to the appeal more than anything. So the two of them had been rumoured to be dating since James got hot overnight in about fourth year and it's only gotten worse since."

Lily marvelled over how candidly Marlene seemed to be able to talk about nearly anything. It was a talent Lily wished to possess, the sort of candour that comes with a certain amount of self assurance that Lily did not possess but Marlene had in spades.

"Honestly? I think James and Esme-Leigh have always had this sort of mentality that they were always going to happen one day. They were always going to end up with each other at some point. It doesn't really make sense unless you've been around them through it all but that's just their way. Almost like a backup plan."

"So they..."

"They've never been together before unless you're one of those people that count the occasional snog on a dare."

Lily shook her head, chuckling. "Do you do that?"

"That used to be a thing when we were like thirteen: if you kissed someone on a dare you had 'dated' them."

"Really?!"

Just like that their conversation had turned light, the waves gently lapping and the storm merely looming in the horizon.

♥ ♥ ♥

(31st December 1977 continued)

"Marlene told me you'd be out here."

"Traitor."

"Don't be like that, she's known me longer– it's a loyalty thing."

Lily turned around to see James slipping out the door and stalking towards her on the veranda, his hands dug bashfully into his pockets like he were attempting to lose them there.

"Okay fine."

James chuckled, bowing his head for a second and allowing his gaze to fix on his shoes. Just being so close to him made her want to drown. Or run into his arms, or hit him as hard as she could. Or maybe just all three?

"Lily?"

She didn't answer, but she did turn fully to face him, her hair gleaming in the moonlight as it fell down her shoulders in its recently symbolic waves.

"Shortcake?"

Nothing.

"Jelly tot?"

"Midget gem?"

"Simpson?"

(Evans?)

She sighed, taking a step closer and finally meeting his eyes, sucking in a breath as she did so. James had the most beautiful eyes she'd ever seen, they were the sorts poets wrote about in the worn romance novels sitting on her bookshelf.

"James, we need to talk about it. I feel like I'm going crazy, I feel like a mess!"

Lily almost thought he wasn't going to answer her. His face was schooled to be perfectly calm, his features flat and those sparkling eyes blinked emotionlessly at her.

"I'm sorry. I just... when I woke up and saw you there, so beautiful and peaceful. I wanted you to be like that when you wake up. Not vulnerable and messy like you are around me. It was unfair."

She reached out and touched his arm, feeling her fingertips light on fire with the touch.
"It's not, James it's—"

"—completely unfair, alright? Im the mess, Lily. I looked at you and I just... felt like I was drowning."

That sent a shock wave through her whole body. He'd been drowning too? Something inside Lily twisted in hurt, or confusion, or relief. Or all three? Why was he telling her this now? If he'd only come to her sooner instead of trying to—

"—and after my mother died I realised that even if I ever did find someone worth being all in for, that eventually I would have to let it go. I think it's easier not to have you at all than to have to give you up someday. It'd kill me if—"

"—James!"

He met her eyes, a hint of surprise deep within the hazel, hidden in the thick forests of his irises.
"Yeah?"

"You were drowning too?"

"Of course I was," suddenly there was even less space between them, his expression was so sincere and raw that it hurt. "Lily, of course I was. I left because I couldn't bare it. I couldn't stand the idea of having to be all in with someone. I'm just... I'll never stop being terrified."

His heart was spilled –glistening amorous pinks and dusty miserable blues– pooling at her feet and all she could do was stare dumbly.

"Marlene, she—"

"Told you more than I've ever told you and explained it better than I ever could?"

Lily nodded, letting out an exhale that could almost have been a laugh.

"Yeah, Marls is like that."

Seconds ticked away and Lily could feel them disappear over her head, wasted.
"James?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can it be my turn now?"

She hadn't noticed he was close enough to reach her hand until it was folded in his, warm and secure. He guided her to the step and they sat down side by side.
"The floor is yours, love."

"My mum and dad were perfect for a while. Completely in love. They still are, but it's not the same anymore. My mum started drinking, which you know, and everything kind of fell apart. It's made me so scared," tears abstracted her vision, making the world look as though it were painted by a post-impressionist.
"It made me realise that even if you're completely in love, it can go wrong. I'm shit at dating. And I think we both deserve better than the person we each are just now. I can't be with you when you're not all in. I just can't. We–" she took a deep breath and James squeezed her hand, he was looking at her with those eyes that could make her believe anything from behind specs that were catching the Christmas lights in them, dancing around his face. "We've got too much that's different in our lives: your role models for life were too good, mine weren't good enough. It doesn't mean it's not love– or can't be– it's just not the kind we deserve. Maybe one day, when we're not both a mess, when we've stopped drowning, and we can breath again; maybe then we can try this out?"

James nodded, blinking a tear from his eye and holding onto her hand as tightly as he could, his expression was pleading but they both knew she was right. If earlier felt like drowning then now felt like tidal waves bursting them from the inside out. There were thousands of stories to read in James' eyes but Lily refused to meet them. She couldn't bare to see the sadness mirrored in her own.

"I don't want to fall in love with a mess," she told him, tears now streaming down her face, quickly turning ice as the night air settles on her cheeks.
"And neither should you. We're not the right people to be in love. I don't think we're built for it."

He shook his head, a smile flashed across his face and the image of him like that etched itself into her memory forever.
"I—," he choked, "I want to love you more than anything Lily, but I just have this... this nagging feeling that one day one of us will wake up and realise we did everything in the wrong order."

Lily shook her head.
"Never." For good measure she brought their intertwined hands up to her lips and pressed a gentle kiss on his knuckles.

They sat together for a while in silence, clouds of emotions looming above them but neither wanted to move.

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"Can I still come to see you during term? Will you still sit on a rooftop with me somewhere and share every stupid thought you've ever had? Because I don't think I'd live without it."

She didn't need to look at him to imagine the glint in his eye, the set in his jaw, the blush on the tips of his ears. Somehow she knew like it was an innate thought, and still she had no idea how to love him. It's funny how things go.

"Of course. Of course. Never leave me alone." She was only half joking.

(31st December 1977)

They'd been outside for a long time. It was getting late and the air was making clouds around their breath. There was a party inside but neither had any interest in joining it just yet. The new year was fast approaching and they didn't quite know what to do with themselves in the mean time.
"You know I wonder if this year will be different." James said quietly.

"In what way?"

"I just... I wonder if it will be such a mess."
James glanced over at Lily but didn't just see her. He saw Lily Evans. The magical runaway; he saw a mystery he longed to solve; the girl he'd wondered over for years. But he also saw the other things: he saw Aliona as she lay in the hospital wing; he saw Trudy's face just before she fainted into Sirius's arms the night she attacked Mulciber; he saw Esme-Leigh watching her first quidditch match from the side-lines. But most overwhelmingly, he saw himself, left alone with his mother's lifeless body, still warm with her hand in his hair, her chest no longer moving with breath. Forever still.

"I hope not."

"Well," James twisted to look at her properly, "that can be our resolution. To fix every mess."

"To fix every mess."
And when the bells of New Year began to peal, a sense of calm washed over James. Everything seemed to go still, but it wasn't forever. He was still alive, and he was determined to live.

"You know they do something else at New Year? Another tradition."

"What?"

Lily seemed to glow as she gazed at him in a way he'd never seen before but found insanely beautiful.

"Can I kiss you? Just once more before I lose the chance? Maybe forever."

Lily was far too close to him when she nodded, eyes blazing and glittering all at the same time. It was a dangerous look to fix James with but he didn't think she was aware.
"Just once?"

He nodded, "just once," his voice hoarse and barely a whisper. His hand gently caressed her cheek, hers found his chest, slowly curling around his dress shirt and pulling her to him.

"Happy New Year, James."

"Happy New Year, love."

This time it was James that kissed her first. His lips glided over hers like that's what they were meant for. Midnight washed over them with their kiss and the new year finally came with it.
A new start, a final beginning, a next chapter.

He kissed her slowly, but more firmly than he had before, part of him wanted to kiss her as hard as he could, to convince her never to let go. He wanted to try and kiss her till they weren't so broken and wrong, until everything was as it should be and he could be hers as long as she'd have him. He wanted to kiss her until he was deserving of her love.

But he wouldn't.
Instead he would kiss her as a goodbye even if it wasn't one.

And when they pulled away they allowed their foreheads to stay pressed together and neither wanted to open their eyes and accept this was it. But somehow James felt lighter, he felt like he could breathe better.

Everyone is drowning. But what they fail to mention is that every once in a while it's okay to come up for air...

Hey everyone! It's been fucking ages but I'm here now and we finally have a running themeeee!!!

On a separate note- there's a lot of awful shit on wattpad recently and im not sure what to do about it. If I moved and republished this book onto another site would you still be interested in reading it?

My love always,

Abbi♥️