https://youtu.be/cW8VLC9nnTo

What Was I Made For? - Billie Eilish

Jimin

I was familiar with loneliness. I could smell it in Taehyung's smile. I could sense it wafting off Jungkook. I didn't know how it was bound to people, but I knew it was real. I had so many friends, good ones, a girlfriend who cared about me, and my family—whatever was left—and yet, I sometimes couldn't help but feel that time was running by me as I sat under a tree.

There was a voice inside my head that only I heard and couldn't share with anyone else. Some days, I felt that life was all about being there for the people you care about, and sometimes, I felt that there was no meaning in friendship and love. People died all around us all the time, and yet, nothing stopped for the rest of us. That was the only truth. The inevitable.

"What are you thinking?" Taehyung asked, closing his book and leaning against a wall of the University's building. 

"What's the point of companionship?" I asked mechanically, staring at a spot in front of me, unblinking. "We are supposed to die alone."

"You were also born alone," he said, throwing a pebble ahead of him. 

"True, but sometimes I don't understand love. What's the point of it?"

"What do you mean? You are making me confused." The furrow in his brows showed that he was growing concerned. 

I laughed it off slowly. "I don't know. I guess I have had too much on my plate that my thoughts are all jumbled."

"Is there something I can help with?"

"Unless you can turn into me and go meet Rose's parents, I don't think so."

"Rose's parents? What's happening?" He straightened. 

"Nothing," I dismissed the topic, not wanting to talk about it until I was sure what I wanted to do. "Last year of Uni is approaching soon, and though we have a full year ahead of us, I still have to say goodbye to dancing in a few weeks. I guess what I am feeling is my connection with something being broken. Something I love."

"Oh, Jimin," Taehyung chuckled sadly, and I could sense his own grief bound inside the walls of his resolve. "All things must change. That's how you adapt to the new age of your life. If I still cried for the toys I had as a child, I wouldn't be normal now. Would I? But I bet at one point you thought you'd never stop playing with them."

"Guess so..." I blew raspberries, exhausted at the thought that my day wasn't over yet. I still had football and dance practice later in the evening. I knew I'd trade my current life for my childhood when I had my family, all together and happy. "What's going on with you? If you want to share, that is."

I could see him shutting off as he shook his head and leaned back further.

"I am not going to judge if you decide to share with me. Now or any time."

"Thanks," he told me. "I appreciate it."

"Should we head back?" I asked. 

He nodded in ennui. 

While he went to the dorm to change, I went directly to the boys' locker room to stretch before the game. My body felt like it was drained with no energy left, but I somehow dragged myself through the practice.

Returning to the dorm, I ate some cheese and fruit before resting for half an hour. I was going to miss this life in the future, but in my present, I wanted to get it over with.

Feeling slightly rejuvenated, I grabbed my towels before walking to the auditorium. Per usual, the boys were either cackling or were on the floor, simply chatting or stretching. When they saw me, they stood up.

We had auditioned a few weeks ago, but so far, no new junior has made the team, making Jungkook still the youngest in the committee.

He had helped me with the committee work, and he'd learned quite a lot. I looked around for him. I had given him the selection of songs and had asked him to get them remixed with the local DJ. He was supposed to do the final submission today, as we had already practiced the chorus, and we needed to prepare for the dance break. "Where's Jungkook?" I asked, not finding him.

"Not here yet," Hoseok told me. 

"Let's wait," I said, sitting down on the stage area, giving the group some more free time. Pulling up my phone, I began to look at the group messages from the boys, and then I opened the paper Tae had sent me, which we were going to solve later at night. 

Five minutes passed, then ten. Jungkook didn't show up.

He was never late, so something in me wanted to check for myself. "Guys!" I called over loudly. "Let's start the revision. I'll be back in 5."

Rushing out of the room, I pulled up Jungkook's contact to call him after the last time he was stuck in the storm. The memory of that day made me uneasy for a moment before the worry kicked in when he didn't pick up my call.

Where are you?

I texted him before rushing down the stairs. 

My feet took me straight to his dorm. I knocked and waited. Then I knocked again. 

A few seconds later, Jungkook opened the door, nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair slightly damp and frizzy as though he'd taken the shower a while ago and let it air-dry.

Then my eyes moved over his body. There was curiosity in me when it came to him. Perhaps I wanted to see the boy who liked me. What did he look like? What made him different? What did he see in me that he liked? I didn't have an accurate reason why I noticed him, but I did.

My cheeks started heating, but then I noticed his face. He was too...numb. Like he wasn't able to figure out anything. He was hardly blinking. "Are you okay?" I asked, and when he didn't respond, I stepped inside the room. "Where's Ulrich?"

He didn't say anything.

That should've been my cue that something was wrong, but instead of calling Tae, I decided to provide him instant help, the doctor's instincts kicking in. Just as my hand touched his skin, my eyes widened. "Fuck, you are cold."

I walked him back to bed and made him sit, quickly putting the blanket around him. I didn't want to touch him if he was out of it. He could have been naked under his towel for all I knew. Turning up the radiator knob, I let it heat the room quickly.

He was walking fine, which meant that there was no injury. I checked his airway to see if he was breathing without difficulty, and it was also clear. I touched his pulse, which was also normal. Maybe it was the cold that was making him partially responsive. "Jungkook," I patted his cheeks gently. "Can you hear me?"

As though my voice penetrated through his head, he looked up at me, blinking. Something inside my chest constricted, looking at the innocence on his face, in his big eyes. All of us found Jungkook cute, but at that moment, he looked pure. And to see the suffering of such a soul brought me to my knees, quite literally. 

I gripped his palms, rubbing them harshly to provide some heat as he had done to me once on the night of the storm. I shook my head to chase away that memory. His eyes blinked, and then he gasped for breath. "What just happened?" He asked.

"You tell me," I breathed out, slumping on the floor, letting go of his hands, and taking a look around to see numerous canvases of drawings and paintings. My eyes scanned the structures, noticing a canvas with half a face that looked a hell lot like mine. There was something scribbled down at the bottom, not a title, but it was lengthy, like a poem or a letter. 

"I don't remember," he said quietly, pulling my attention back. "The last thing I remember was taking a shower and then..."

"Then?" 

"And then I spaced out. I think I knew what was happening around me, but I wasn't able to get out of that state. It was almost like I was sleeping."

"Are you sleeping fine these days?" I asked, standing up and looking down at him.

"Three hours a night."

"That's not good. Have you talked to anyone about it yet? You need medical help, Jungkook. That was not normal. What if you spaced out while writing exams?"

"I'll get myself checked," he said in resignation and attempted to get down from the bed. 

"Stay," I told him quickly.

"But we have practice tonight."

"I'll reschedule it to some other day. For now, take care of your health, or I might have to call your father again."

His head snapped back to me so quickly that I feared he had injured himself, his eyes wide. "You called my Appa?" He stood up, gathering the blanket around him. 

"You tied my hands there. I didn't want to, but seeing you wasted that night. Trust me, Kook. You would've done the same thing if I were in your place."

Jungkook

He saw me that night? How? And then he disappeared the next day, not coming to see Appa at all. Why did he do that? I kind of guessed it was him who called my Appa, but I didn't think he cared.

Long after Jimin left my room, I remained naked, thinking and feeling the bouts of my mind turning numb coming and going. Ulrich wasn't here. It had been a week since we stopped talking, and his distance from me hurt.

I finished one of my drawings, and when I heard the doorknob rattling, I finally stood up with the finished piece. 

My clothes were on the bed, which I grabbed and walked into the bathroom to change. My friend was doing his puzzles when I returned. With Jimin's face drawing in my hand, I strolled to my cupboard to lock it inside. Then I opened the food delivery app and ordered a ton of food for us. 

It was time we talked, and one way or another, I was going to make him. "Hey," I called him. 

He seemed surprised but recovered quickly. "Hi." He said coldly. 

He was still angry. "I ordered food for us." I showed my phone's screen, walked close to him, and sat on the right side of the table. 

"Good," he mumbled, focusing on the pieces in his hand. "I am hungry."

I grinned. "I knew you'd be. You didn't think I'd notice, but I did. You have taken up swimming."

"I did," he smiled then. "What gave me away?"

"You put lenses instead of glasses before you go, and your hair is perfectly blow-dried when you return."

He nodded, not saying anything.

"Listen... I am sorry. I know I shouldn't have said that."

Ulrich heaved a big sigh, turning his frame to me with all his attention. "I forgive you. And for what it's worth, I never should've crossed a line with you, too. Believe me that I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just angry."

"Did anything else happen, Ulrich?" I asked softly. "I know I left you behind, but you were angry like I secretly dated your sister."

"I panicked when I realized I was locked. And I remained locked until the staff opened the door in the morning. I had passed out on the floor when she woke me up."

"Fuck, I am so sorry." I recollected his panic attack on the first day of Uni, and that led me to hug him quickly. "You must've been scared."

"Yeah," he nodded in the crook of my neck, his voice shaky. I pulled away, looking at him. One tear rolled out of his eye before he harshly wiped it. I cried so many times before Ulrich, but I'd never seen him cry. It pushed me off-balance. "The reason why I hate Rosenow is because she is the reason why I can't be with Elfriede."

Stunned at his sudden revelation, I asked. "What did she do?" 

Ulrich hugged himself, pulling away from me to collect the distant memory. "Rosenow dated El's brother in high school, and she didn't want things to be complicated if I started dating El. She said the same thing to El, and also humiliated her because she had told her that she liked me. She also told El that if she pursued me, she would cut all ties with her, and our group would boycott her. Everyone listened to Rosenow because she had money."

"That's ridiculous."

"I thought that too, so I went to ask El out anyway. And that was when Rosenow sicced her brother, Alex, on me. He beat me so hard that I broke my wrist."

I could feel my insides filling up with anger, making me want to punch a wall. "Where does the fucker live now?" 

"It doesn't matter," he said sadly. "I was humiliated after that incident and didn't talk to El for months. My father was upset when Rosenow's father told him about what happened. El apologized for her brother's behavior, but it was never right between us. It was just too complicated."

I wondered if Jimin knew about the ex. If he knew it was Rosenow's ex's sister's party, he never would've gone there with her. Would he? 

I pulled my attention back to Ulrich. "I understand you think it's complicated, but I saw the way she still looks at you, Ulrich. If I were you, I'd forget and start afresh."

"It's not that easy," he said, standing up, withdrawing to the bathroom.

I bet it must not have been easy, but maybe I could do something about it. 

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7 Oct 2025