I don't know what this is going to be. It's just me ranting about feelings that just popped up and I wanted to get out somehow. I don't know how/if this would trigger anyone but it is dealing with some seriously emotional stuff so just be safe.

Sometimes I feel like I'm two completely different people. The part of me I let you see and that's in control or whatever is my shy, semi-optimistic, self-deprecating self. Wouldn't hurt a fly, is nice and polite to everyone, doesn't cause any problems.

But then there's the other part of me. The spiteful, pessimistic, obsessive me that's so resentful of how messed up the world she's stuck in is that she'd be willing to make a deal with Bill Cipher or become a magical girl just to fix it. I think of it as my inner Dimentio.

It's the part of me that's so tired of being nice and playing by everyone else's rules and just wants to take everything I want by force because darn it I don't have enough faith in myself to be able to achieve things otherwise. The part of me I keep locked up and etch into my villains or yandere characters so I can keep it quiet. The part of me that really scares my optimistic self sometimes.

I've always wished I had Dimentio's or any other villain's confidence. I'm not a rule breaker, at least my optimistic self isn't. But is it really so bad to take over the world if you know you could run it better? I don't think I could do that at all, and most villains don't seem to be able to, so I mean really know. Know how to fix the environment. Know how to make people get along. Know how to fix everything.

That's where deals with demons come in. If you made the right deal, you would know. Assuming it keeps its end of the deal. Or if you had what Dimentio had, that Dark Prognosticus book that told you how to just start over. That'd be good.

The other thing about that self that scares me is just how attached I get to people. I've just been drifting through my own thoughts only to fantasise about kidnapping video game characters I like and it really freaks me out sometimes. You shouldn't do that. That isn't okay. So why is my brain even bringing it up?

Thinking about this made me realise why so many iterations of myself as a character end up being two people somehow. Possessed by a demon. Fused with something. I feel like two different people, my nice self and a weirdly violent self, so I guess it manifested into concepts I could more easily understand at the time. And I still don't understand what's wrong with me but I'm not sure if that matters or not. I am still in control. That isn't going to change, I don't think, because I've conditioned myself so strongly to follow the rules and be nice and keep that from ever happening.

Does anyone else ever feel this way? Am I... normal? And I just don't realise it? It's entirely possible I'm worrying over nothing, but it doesn't feel like it. Still, I could easily just be stuck in theorist mode from watching too much MattPat this afternoon.

I don't have the answers to any of these questions. I just needed to vent these feelings out somewhere. I've grown up with this tiny bubble of resentment at the world building and building inside me. The stupid doctors that charge way too much and still can't even help my stepdad with his kidney stones. The stupid banks that raise the price just because your balance goes below zero for a moment. The stupid government and corporations that keep wreaking up the world day after day. And this stupid virus that won't just go away and is keeping everyone from being happy and seeing people they want to see. (I'm an introvert and I can STILL relate because I want to see my grandma and my stepmom and my dad and aunts and sister.) So yeah. Maybe in my desire to make sure I'm liked by people I took those feelings and split them off into their own separate entity.

But, whatever. I just wanted to tell someone about it.