Katsuki Bakugou

(Angst)

(Self Deprecation)

"Inside -- I want you inside me," Izuku panted as he sprawled out under me. His fingers were trailing delicately over the panes of my stomach as I pushed my hands up his thighs and slipped my fingers over his member. He was so wet and it took everything in me to hold back and not absolutely wreck him like my instincts were calling me to. However, I wanted this too. It probably was not the best idea considering where our relationship stood at the time. But I had made my decision and knew that I wanted to make this work and he was my mate. It was fated that we end up together -- and fighting it was tiring. Being angry was exhausting. 

Izuku whined pathetically as I teased my fingers over his body and I hummed. This was so fucking weird. I knew that my attraction towards him was beginning to drown out the hatred and anger, but this was a lot. I had never looked at this Omega and thought about bedding him before. Nevertheless, how could I say no when my mate was begging me so sweetly?

"If I take you now, I won't stop, Izuku. I don't want to hurt you," I mumbled soothingly to him as my eyes trail down his exposed body while I continue to palm over his cock. His body was fascinating and I had never seen anyone naked like this before. His Omegan frame was delicate and thin. His thin waist curved at his hips, giving him a figure that was hidden beneath his clothes the majority of the time. 

I didn't want to hurt him. This was his first time, heat or no heat. This was my first time. I had always wanted to save this for my mate, and there could have been a better time for us to share this together, but now would work. I didn't feel too bad because I picked up on the fact that Izuku's heat was ending. The Omega was too coherent and aware of his actions -- still needy -- but coherent. He knew what he was doing -- he knew.

*** 

I shook my head and stared forward, locking eyes with my reflection in the bathroom mirror. When I had woken up in a disheveled nest and a missing mate, I felt a swarm of panic that I had never experienced before begin to flood my body. My instincts were screaming for me to find Izuku immediately and bring him back to his nest where he belonged. We had just mated, and being an Alpha instantly made me possessive of what belonged to me.

I smelled like Izuku still. It had been days since he left, and each day that passed, his scent faded. I ground my teeth as I stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were dull and the bags under them were proof of my constant worry and sleepless nights. There had been no word from Izuku since he left. Even his mother refused to say anything. Inko only provided me with the small bit of information that my mate was alive -- and he didn't want to be found.

At first, I was scared. That morning when I made my way out of the nest and searched around for him in the house, I thought something had happened. Maybe he was overwhelmed? Maybe he wasn't ready for sex yet and he regretted letting his heat speak for him? However, I brushed some of my worries away because Izuku wasn't that lost in his heat. He knew what he was doing.

Then I was mad because he did know -- he knew what he was doing. That pissed me off and ripped parts of my heart out when I realized that Izuku did it again. He up and left me with no contact, no goodbye, and not a single word. 

I slammed my fist down into the counter and ignored the deep throbbing in my knuckles as I stormed out of the bathroom. My mind conjured up unwanted memories of that night. I had not asked for what he did to me that night. I did not want him that way. He had violated me and I was unaware of the cause of his actions until recently. Heat or no heat, he still touched me -- and then left me.

Only now, I wanted him to touch me. I wanted to touch him. I liked touching him. I loved the way he clung to me and pressed his mouth to my shoulder as I moved inside him. I adored the sweet sounds he made when my fingers brushed his nipples. Or how we swallowed each other's moans through shared kisses. I wanted everything that happened that night -- and then he left -- again.

***

"Gods, Izuku --" I sighed heavily and sunk two fingers inside his waiting body. He was so wet and I growled in approval when his walls clenched down around my fingers. He tossed his head back with a silent cry as I curled upwards and flicked my fingers in the direction I had only assumed would be correct. I didn't know what I was doing -- but I had watched enough porn to understand the basics. I knew that if I shifted a little up and to the right --

"Ahh -- haa -- Katsuki, please," Found it. He cried out and my eyes widened as his hips rolled and lifted. My mouth watered as I watched him fuck himself on my fingers. It had to have been the most erotically beautiful thing I had ever witnessed. My mate's face was scrunched up in his pleasure while he rolled his hips and his thighs quivered. I held still and only flicked my fingers each time he pushed down on them. My mate -- I bit my lip and let him use me how he wanted. Who was I to deny my mate something he wanted? He had suffered enough.

***

I growled and buried my face in my hands while shaking my head to rid myself of the memories that kept playing in my head. I was searching for them, desperately trying to find where I went wrong. There must have been something that I did to set him off. I was gentle with him. I held him after and soothed him the best that I could have. Maybe I just was just a bad fuck and he ran? I scoffed and shook my head. No -- we were literally made for one another. I probably wasn't the best but I made him cum so it wasn't that.

"Asshole," I cursed under my breath and flopped down on my bed before turning my head to the side. Izuku's nest remained in the corner of my room. I wanted to take it apart but it held his scent -- sweet sugar, sweat, and sex. It proved that I had not dreamed that night up. 

It was real. 

The days passed by slowly and at first, I called Inko every day. I asked her for updates and if she heard from her son. I asked her to tell him that I was worried and I wanted to speak to him. I doubted that she passed my messages along, but at least I tried. After two weeks, I stopped calling. I stopped calling Izuku as well. The fucker blocked me. When I went to call him and it automatically would send me to voicemail, I quickly found out that he was not just ignoring my calls, but he had blocked my number.

I hurt -- and I was confused. I thought he wanted to be together. I thought that he wanted to win me over or some shit. Sure, I fucked up and wasn't the best to him, but he gave up on me. He left me. 

Again. 

I shut myself out from my friends. I refused to see Denki -- that asshole caused enough problems and he now has his own mate to go flirt with. Shinso -- The poor fucker took one look at Denki and almost rejected him for the shit he pulled with me and Izuku. I don't blame Shinso for his anger with Denki; I was too pissed at the blond Omega to even care. Denki tried to contact me, but I ignored him. It wasn't just him; I ignored everyone. Well, I tried to. Fuckin' Shitty Hair had a habit of breaking into my house at random hours of the night just to check in on me. I thought about putting bars on my damn windows to keep him out. 

Kirishima broke in at least three nights a week to check on me, and although I wanted to snap his stupid neck each time, the stubborn man only managed to brush off my death threats and sit with me until I fell asleep. I hated to admit it, but Kirishima was probably my only real friend. I loved my friends, but he was the only one I actually felt I could talk to. But not this time. I didn't want to talk to anyone. It hurt. Each day Izuku was gone, his scent faded from my skin, his nest became stale, his memory started to fade, and my heart continued to break.

Kirishima tried to get me to talk to him but I didn't want to. I was confused. Ashamed. I didn't know what to talk about. I had fucked up somehow. This was no one's fault but my own. 

Yet, somehow I wanted to blame Izuku. I had let myself be vulnerable with him. I trusted him, regardless of the fact that when I was a child I had nightmares of him assaulting me. I used to be terrified of new people and strangers -- because of him. I was anxious and untrusting for years after that. 

However, I trusted him to touch me. I gave myself to him because I thought he wanted me. I was new to the idea of our relationship, but I had come to a crossroads and chose my new path. I was going to try. I wanted to try. I opened myself back up and let him seep his delicate hands into my heart once more, only for him to rip out another chunk and step on it as he left me for a second time.

It had been a month now, and I wanted to be worried for his safety -- but I was angry. I was so angry with him. It took a while to understand fully -- and I thought I was in denial for some time. I refused to believe my mate would do such a thing to me. I thought he wasn't capable of hurting me. Like all those years ago, when he hurt me -- touched me -- I thought it was an accident at first. Then I found out that he had been in heat, full-blown heat when he did those things to me. Yet this time, I knew for a fact he was in the right state of mind. 

There was no accident.

He used me. 

Izuku used me for whatever reason and then left me again. Was this his way of punishing me for being a dick to him when I tried to reject him? Was this his way of getting back at me? Sleep with me -- mate with me -- and then disappear from my life once more as if I no longer existed in his? As if I didn't mean anything to him? Did I mean anything to him?

I had done my fair share of crying, screaming, and sleeping off the pain. Now, I was numb. I was done with the pain. Izuku's scent no longer clung to my skin. His scent was gone from my house other than the nest in the corner of my room.

I stared at the pile of pillows and blankets -- left in the same condition as they were a month ago. I didn't need to live like this anymore. Maybe this was a good thing? There were too many things wrong with our mateship for us to work out in the end. Izuku was not who I had thought him to be. I didn't know him. He wasn't the same Izuku I knew in middle school. He wasn't the Izuku I had just come to accept as my mate. So, who was he? Why did I care when he so obviously didn't care about me?

I cursed under my breath and began grabbing random articles of my clothing, pillows, blankets, and any other item from his nest that I could fit in my grasp. I uprooted Izuku's nest from my floor as my instincts fought me the whole way. I was tired of seeing it. I was tired of being reminded that my mate used me. I was tired of remembering that I let myself be weak for him -- again -- and again he fucked me over.

I pulled apart the nest and shoved each item into a trash bag before toating it to the laundry room. I shoved them all into the wash and dumped detergent in before setting the machine to its maximum wash setting. I wanted his scent gone. I watched as the machine filled and the blankets were submerged underwater. I stood there for the entire 45 minutes as the items were cleaned and restored to their original state. 

When they finished the cycle, I transferred them to the dryer after giving them a good sniff. Izuku's scent was washed away. There was no trace of him left and I smiled grimly before shoving them into the other machine to finish drying. It gave me an idea -- one that I tried several times before. It never worked, yet I came back to it every night. 

I made my way to my bathroom and stripped my clothes before turning the shower on and standing under the cold spray. I shivered under the rain and waited as the water heated. My hands scrubbed at my body from head to toe, imagining that I was cleaning my skin from his touch. I wanted him gone from my body -- gone from my mind. 

I clenched my eyes shut as I roughly scrubbed my skin raw for the longest time. My body grew tired and irritated the longer I stood under the hot water -- but still -- I stayed longer, hoping that one day one of these showers would somehow make me feel better. I hoped that one day I could clean his memories away and I would forget his touch. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't, but I hurt.

However, today was not the day, and the longer I scrubbed, the more I wanted to scream. My insides burned and I leaned back into the cool tiles of the shower walls as water ran down my face and body. Unlike the fabrics of his nest, being underwater did not cleanse my memory. It did not wash away my guilt. It did not make me forget. I wanted to forget. I wanted to reject him. I really wanted to. 

But I couldn't bring myself to say the words. I guessed that I was holding on to a sliver of hope that this was just a stupid misunderstanding, or that Izuku was abducted by aliens -- or ran away on a month-long spa retreat that -- for some fucking reason -- he had no cell service and just didn't tell anyone that he was going. I held onto those childish ideas. Izuku was my mate, and I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do this to me. I wanted to believe that he would have forgiven me for my actions and my cruel behavior towards him. 

I leaned against the wall of the shower and ran my hands down my face. My skin was wet. From tears or from water? I didn't know. It didn't matter. I refused to let Izuku ruin me more than he has. I was tried. I tried to move past my anger towards him, but he fucked up. I know that I fucked up in the past -- but he -- he fucked up. He fucked up and I wanted to forget it all -- forget him. My body jerked as I held back a sob that was fighting its way up my throat. My hand slammed over my mouth as my body shook and trembled under the now-cold spray of water.

Fuck him. Fuck this. I wanted -- I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget. I wanted to fucking forget.