Katsuki Bakugou

(Angst)

Dear Katsuki,

If you're reading this, I believe that it's safe to assume you know everything. There are so many things I want to tell you as I write this, but I don't have much time.

It's only been a week since that night and I know I need to write down my thoughts and feelings for you to read someday. I have barely had time to process everything that's happened over the past week. I know it will take time and I can't imagine how you must be feeling after all this.

The most important reason for this letter is so I can apologies for everything that's happened, everything that I have done to you. Although I plan to beg for forgiveness at your feet the moment I see you again, I know that you might choose not to contact me once you turn 18, and per my agreement with your parents, I will stay away from you and let you come to me if you choose to.

So, I needed to write this in hopes that you will read it and at least know how sorry I am for ever hurting you. I guess it's only right to start from the beginning and tell you that I never wanted this to happen. When I was hired to watch you over the summers I thought it would only be a job to earn some extra money to pay for school, however, I began to care for you as a person.

I considered you a friend and it was an honor to get to see you grow up over those 4 years. I know that as I grew up as well, my attention began to split more and I gave you less of my time.

Nevertheless, I cared for you and wanted to see you happy. When I left you at your house that night, to go get snacks, I never thought it would be the moment that would change my life forever. I didn't know what was happening to me. When I went into heat I was scared out of my mind, I still don't remember what all happened to me.

However, I don't think I can ever forget what a huge mistake I made. I will never forgive myself for hurting you.

Katsuki, I am so sorry.

When you saved me from that man, I was beyond grateful to you. Here you were, a kid, protecting me from something that would have ruined my life. However, I didn't realize that you were my mate until I saw your face.

Your scent drove me crazy, it was as if I was seeing you for the first time. It scared me, yet I couldn't help but want to be closer to you. I need you to know that this wasn't your fault, what I did was inexcusable. I just need you to understand that I truly did not mean to ever touch you like that. The heat was my first ever, and I had just been attacked. On top of that, I had found my mate.

I never wanted you to be my mate, Kat. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to protect you and see you grow up more. I never wanted to be the cause of your fear. When I touched you, it was if my body was being driven by instinct alone. I barely recognized you. All I knew was that your scent was that of my mate. 

However, the look of fear on your face snapped me out of it. I am so glad it did, Katsuki. So glad.

I forced you to leave so I wouldn't hurt you anymore, and so I chose to leave until you are 18. As I write this, it pains me to even think about leaving you for so long, but I know it's the right thing to do. You are my mate, but you are a child and I can't stand the thought of hurting you again.

Things have changed since I felt the mate pull, our bond is new and weak, yet I already care so deeply for you. I never want to see you scared of me again. I can only hope that someday you will find it in your heart to forgive me for my actions and give me a chance to prove to you that I am worthy to stand by your side.

As I see it, there are two ways that this could end. I know you quite well, I like to think, and that makes me believe that I know how this ends.

Part of me already knows that as soon as you find out I am your mate, you will reject me. I know this is to be expected, I hurt you, and there is no way you could ever see me as a mate. I lied to you about being an omega, I started to drift away from you, I hurt you, and now I am leaving without a trace for 4 years. There is no reason for you to show me any kindness, the Katsuki I know wouldn't go easy on me.

Another side of me, the side that now sees you as my mate, desperately wants your forgiveness and acceptance. Over the past week, I have come to terms with the fact that you are my mate, although I don't like it much at all. It bothers me to think about us as mates, yet I can't stop myself from being glad I was mated to you and not anyone else. I want to be able to earn your affections someday, however, I know my Katsuki would never forgive someone so easily. You have always been strong-willed.

For now, I can only hope that you lived the past 4 years happily. I hope you have grown closer to your friends at school and that you take comfort in them while I am gone. I hope my actions have not ruined your life as I fear they will ruin mine.

Lastly, I will stay faithful to you until the day you decide you no longer want me. I will take the pain of a thousand rejections if it meant you would be free of any burdens I may have caused you. In my mind, I belong to you now, you are my mate. No matter what happens, I will be focusing on doing the best I can to build a life for myself and wait for you to contact me, with either good or bad news.

I will not force you to be with someone like me, I only ask that you don't reject me until I can see your face one last time. I will surely shatter.

However, I will gladly shatter at your feet for the sins I have made. Until then, please keep yourself safe and know that I don't plan on giving up on us. Over the next four years, until I see you again, I will be holding out with the hopes of getting to see you and apologize in person.

Know that I am truly sorry, Kat. 

I'm sorry, mate.

-Izuku Midoriya

I'm sure that I have read this letter a hundred times by now, searching every line for something to make my situation less real, less painful. Izuku seemed remorseful in his letter for what happened, yet I can't stop being mad at him.

I was mad that he touched me, yet I couldn't care less about the physical aspect of what he did. I was 14, although he was 18 and it was wrong, it didn't really bother me. What bothered me all those years ago was that it caused him to fucking go away. Sure, I had nightmares from the whole ordeal and for a long time was nervous when people touched me. I got over it though, and it had never bothered me again -- until recently.

When I found out Izuku was my mate, I had that nightmare again. The one where instead of the grown Alpha forcing himself on Izuku, it was the Omega who was forcing himself on the teenage version of me. I had spent the whole next day trying to convince myself that I wasn't that weak little boy anymore, that no one would ever be able to do that sort of thing to me again. I am an Alpha, there was no way anyone would be able to hurt me like that now.

So, why in my mind could Izuku break me down and make me question my strength? I spent the past 2 weeks looking over the documents that my father had given me, re-reading this letter and trying to make up my mind about so many things.

I wanted to reject him, I wanted him to be hurt how I was hurt back then. I wanted him to feel the pain of losing someone he claims to care about, just how I hurt when he left me 4 years ago. However, the idea of causing Izuku pain seems to tie my stomach into knots.

As I drove down the road, I had so many things running through my mind. It has been hours, yet there were 3 more brutal hours of driving to go before I reached where Izuku was now living. I had made up my mind to finally stop plotting in my room, and just go get it over with.

Apparently, he has graduated from college and now is working at an editorial company. He had always wanted to go into some form of a writing career. My dad's documents say that he lives alone in an apartment and most of the time he works from home. Something about his health, I only assume it's because of his heats that he has the option to stay home and work.

It was rare for companies to hire Omegas if they can't work from home. Once every 3 months their bodies meltdown, effectively putting them out of work for a whole week. Not a smart business move, yet in today's society, it was against the law to discriminate against Omegas. Meaning, that all workplaces must offer Omegas the option to work from home, and give them every heat cycle off work.

I scoffed that I continued to waste my time thinking about Izuku. I took an exit as my GPS screamed at me. I flicked my turn single and sighed. I haven't even called Izuku to let him know I am coming over. But I didn't care to hear from him. I just wanted to see him once, then I will reject him. There was no way our relationship would ever work out, not after everything we had been through.

Izuku wanted to apologize to my face, he will get the chance to, but then I will end things and go home and live my life. I can find an Omega elsewhere and although they won't be my mate, once the bond is broken I will be able to freely find relationships elsewhere without the stupid nagging in the back of my head about having a mate out there.

Izuku would be out of my life like he has been for the past 4 years, and how he will be for the rest of my life. I don't need him and I refuse to let him make me feel weak again.

As I drive close to Izuku's town, I couldn't help but get angry at the thought of him. Izuku's letter replayed in my head as I drove. He said he would never give up hope on us working out, that he wants for this to work. How fuckin' sick was that?

He had probably spent the last 4 years preening over me, wanting me, thinking about me. The last time I saw him, he was groping me and scaring the hell out of me. Now, I couldn't stop the anger that bubbled in my stomach as I realized that over these past few years, Izuku had been thinking about me. He had been wanting to be with me, as mates, as boyfriends, and as lovers.

Gritting my teeth, I growled. I was seething at the thought of Izuku using me as masturbation material over the years. I could not stop the uncomfortable feelings that were swarming me as I mulled over the fact that Izuku has been going through his heats. I haven't been able to feel the mate bond but for 2 weeks; he has been of age for four years now.

How many times has he screamed my name during his heat? Thought about me like - that? How many times has my image flashed through his head as he found release? Stepping harder on the gas pedal, I ground my teeth together in anger. Izuku had no right to those thoughts, not after the shit he put me through.

Who the fuck even knows, Izuku could have been sleeping with other people over the past 4 years since I wouldn't be able to feel that betrayal to our bond. I would only have been able to feel him as a mate for 2 weeks, and if he had been screwing around, he knew that I was 18 now and had stopped or else I would feel the betrayal.

However, I really can't care less about that. Sure it would suck to feel that pain, but I have no reason to feel any sort of way over that idea. He was not mine, and I do not belong to him. He has no right to want something, to need something, that no longer belonged to him.

I used to belong to him - a long time ago. 

However, I cut those ties almost 3 years ago. I cut them when I realized he left me alone to deal with the confusion and anxiety his disappearance brought me. Izuku left me alone and scared. I wasn't upset that he touched me, not at first at least. He should have at least explained things to me.

Maybe back then I would have understood that he was out of control of his body and that I was his mate. I could have waited for him until I was 18. I could have put up with us not being able to see each other much until I was of age. I would have done that to keep him around. I needed him. 

I loved him. 

However, it doesn't stop the anger that I now have towards him. He hurt me, not physically, but emotionally. I lost a friend, a brother, and a mate before I knew he was even mine.

There was no stopping it now. I had given up on us a long time ago. I did what he asked in his letter - I kept myself safe - safe from the heartbreak of letting myself love him any more than I already had.

I refused to love him again.