Izuku Midoriya

(Angst)

(Self Deprecation) 

Life was a cruel mother fucker, and it didn't care to break you down over and over until you were left with nothing. I was nothing.

I tried, I really did, but it was too late to make any real change to my situation. Katsuki didn't know what my life was like before. He didn't care to find out either; that was clear now. More than anything, I just wanted to be happy again. I didn't ask for this -- it just happened. I didn't ask for a mate, and honestly, I wished Katsuki wasn't my mate.

A searing pain bubbled in my chest the moment the thought crossed my mind. I sat up in bed quickly and clutched my hand over my chest, clawing at the burning sensation that was lingering longer than I would have liked. Hot tears came rolling faster than I could have prepared for -- soaking into the corners of my lips. The salty taste startled me enough to make me wipe at my face and drag the back of my hand over my lips. Why was I crying?

Looking over at the mirror that hung above the vanity, mere feet from the bed I was perched on, I could barely recognize myself. Overwhelming shame filled my features, my eyes held no light and cast shadows under my eyes that only deepen the purple bags there. When did that happen?

Touching my face, I watched the figure in the mirror copy my movements. This wasn't me, was it? I didn't even look like myself. I scoffed at that notion; I haven't looked like myself in years. The light inside me had been slowly draining over the years and it was only my fault. I did this to myself. The burning in my chest dropped to my core and I groaned into the darkness of my room.

"Why do I feel as if I lost him already?" I whispered to no one; the sound of my voice was barely recognizable as I stared blankly at my reflection across the dimly lit room.

Katsuki had been with other people. I wasn't sure exactly how he had been with other people, but it was clear that my mate did not want me, and once again, I thought I was prepared for this. I thought I would have been prepared to shatter at his feet, hoping to build myself back up in a better light. Katsuki could have forgiven me and everything would be better. If he didn't hate me anymore, I wouldn't hate myself.

I watched as the moonlight reflected off the wet trails on my cheeks, casting a silver line down my face in the mirror, and I smiled. Reaching up, I brushed my face dry, watching intensely as the warm trails reappeared, marking my pale skin with silver lines that had me smiling to myself. The small highlights from my tears caught my attention in my reflection. Pretty.

I couldn't do this anymore. No version of this would turn out the right way. What even was the right way? I didn't deserve a mate. The moon Goddess was trying to tell me that -- no wonder my life had practically fallen to shit over the years. I fucked up in the past when I had thrown myself at a child in the pains of my heat -- and of course -- the goddess would never forgive crimes against children. I was sick, and no amount of groveling for Katsuki's forgiveness would win his love.

He may forgive me, eventually. But he would never love me.

I needed to leave; Katsuki being out tonight was a blessing. I didn't think I would have the strength to walk away a second time if he was right in front of me. The sharp pain in my chest came back with a vengeance, this time stealing my breath away as I clutched at my throat and squeezed my eyes shut.

I deserved it though; the pain was the only reminder that I was still alive. I needed to leave before I ruin the one good thing Katsuki had going for him. He had his friends, a life, a home, with his parents who cared about him. He had a future; I heard he wanted to go to college. He can -- no -- he had made a life without me, and that was all I ever wanted for him. I wanted him to be okay without me, and he was okay. He had Denki.

The Alpha could be happy with Denki in ways that Katsuki would never be with me, and I couldn't compete with the one person that had been there for him over the years. The one person that he had spent with while getting over me and the disgusting things I put him through.

Reaching over to the nightstand, I felt around blindly until my fingers skimmed over the casing of my cell phone. I pulled it to my face and tapped the screen. It had me flinching while narrowing my eyes as the bright white light cast in my face. I waited for my eyes to adjust, rubbing the lingering tears away as I scrolled through my contacts until I landed on the person I needed right now.

The phone rang quietly in my ear as the pain trickled through my limbs, and I knew the pain was emotional, not physical. But damn -- it felt real. I bit down desperately on my bottom lip, placing a hand over my mouth to control the sudden sob that wanted to break free. This wasn't healthy for anyone, and me being around only caused other people's suffering. I was a burden to everyone -- even now.

"Izuku, honey are you okay? It's really late..." Mina's voice was low as she cleared her throat. I knew I woke her up. She must get tired of dealing with me so much over the years; Mina shouldn't be my keeper. A small smile pulled at my lips as I looked back over to the mirror, watching the dull look and fake smile on my lips. Who are you?

"Izuku - Are you there, honey? What's wrong?" Mina's voice grew a bit louder, clearer as the worry drips from her soothing voice. I smiled again; maybe one day she won't have to worry over me anymore. Her, Shinso, and Uraraka deserved better than a lonely and broken Omega they constantly have to worry about keeping alive.

It would be better if I just -

"Izuku!" Mina yelled and I flinched back. I made her mad again -- great. "Babe you need to talk to me, you're scaring me." I closed my eyes and pulled my free hand back up to my chest, the dull throbbing pain lingered, showing me that I was alive. This was my life, and this will be my life until I put myself out of my misery.

"I wanna go home," I whispered into the phone, my voice has gone scratchy, low, and didn't even sound like myself. Who am I? "Come pick me up - please," I placed my hand quickly, clamping it over my mouth as a low cry began to break free. Muffled behind my hand, I pulled the phone away from my face so Mina didn't have to witness my pathetic crying over Katsuki. This would be the last time. She wouldn't ever have to do this for me again.

***

Lying awake in bed, I couldn't fall asleep as the cramping in my limbs made sure to remind me that I was doing something wrong. But it wasn't wrong. Only my sick, twisted, and broken mind thought it was wrong. 

I was leaving first thing in the morning. Mina and Shinso would be here to take me home. I had made plans that would make sure I could take care of myself until I was fully better and could break the bond between Katsuki and I. It wasn't worth fighting for anymore, not when I was tearing Katsuki's life apart in the process.

Mina said she would be here at 7 in the morning, early enough for me to slip out unnoticed. I let Mina and Shinos both set up my arrangements. They knew what I needed by now. Mina lived with me for four years. I wasn't in the right state of mind to deal with that. I trusted them. 

I wanted to disappear. Katsuki would be fine. Another year wouldn't hurt him, and he could focus on his life and education. That was the important thing, not me. Not building a relationship with someone he would never love or trust. He would never trust me, and that hurt more than anything.

I closed my eyes, trying to get some rest, but my thoughts keep me awake. So, instead of sleeping, I packed my bags quickly and silently. I kept myself busy and my mind occupied. I knew this would hurt me, but I deserved it. I really did deserve it. So, I didn't complain. I kept my complaints on the inside where they would stay from now on. I wouldn't burden anyone with my pain ever again.

A light thump on my bedroom door had me flinching before my whole body went stiff as Katsuki's scent seeped through the cracks and into the bedroom. I held my breath, avoiding breathing in his scent that I had grown accustomed to over these last few weeks. I was leaving again; this wouldn't last.

"Izuku, are you awake?" Katsuki's hushed voice broke through the silence as my lip wobbled. I bit down on it -- hard -- as the slight copper taste filled my mouth. Everything in me begged to open the door, run to my Alpha and make the pain go away. But I couldn't. I wouldn't; not anymore. This needed to end.

"Hey -- " The light thrumming of his knuckles on the door caused me to shiver; his proximity warmed my insides although my skin felt cold and clammy. "You up? I've got to talk to you..." He asked lowly, hushed as if avoiding being caught. I thought he was with Denki; why was he here? Shaking my head, I placed my hand over my mouth to muffle the sound of my deep inhales. I forgot I was holding my breath and my lungs were screaming with a lack of oxygen.

I stayed still, not daring to move a muscle as the door handle jiggled and I heard him cursed under his breath. I closed my eyes and silently thanked myself for locking the door when I came in. Not long after, I heard him walking away. I pulled my hand away and panted, wiping away the tears that kept falling. Although, I didn't even feel like crying. I felt like screaming.

Carefully pulling myself back in bed, I pulled the covers up over my head, enjoying the warmth of my breath staying trapped under the duvet. I closed my eyes and willed myself to sleep, desperate for morning to come and for all this to just go away.

***

*Vzzt - Vzzt - Vzzt*

I quickly grabbed my phone off the nightstand and unlocked it, opening the text from Mina saying she was outside with the car and that Shinso would be standing outside to help me with my bags. I typed a quick reply and slipped my phone into my back pocket.

Opting to carry my suitcase to avoid making sounds with it rolling, I pulled it up into my arms and wobbled under its weight. I barely had four hours of sleep last night between my constant cramping and tears. But it was just enough to both soothe me and irritate me. My eyes were puffy and swollen shut when I had woken up this morning. I had to splash cold water on my face for a good 10 minutes to make the swelling go down.

Very carefully, I made my way down the stairs, wobbling with the large suitcase in my arms. No one seemed to be awake yet, and thankfully it meant I could avoid any conflict with my sudden departure. It was for the best.

I made it to the front door and slowly unlocked it, pushing it open and sighing softly when it didn't make a sound. I set the bag down on the porch and softly pulled the door shut behind me before looking out to see my friend's familiar car sitting in the road. I told them not to pull in close to the house -- just to avoid waking anyone up.

I saw Sinsho standing in the grass, a soft smile on his face as he looked me over. Yet I could see the sadness behind his eyes. I wished he wouldn't pity me, I didn't need pity. I just needed to go home. The plan, from what I could only assume since they had yet to tell me, was for Shinso to start staying with me for a while. I assumed he would scent mark me to keep the pain and emotional suffering at a low until I could find a new Alpha that would take over. I didn't want Shinso to be tied down to me anymore. He had done enough to help me over the years. They all have.

I quickly held my finger up to my lips, singling to Shinso that I needed him to be quiet. His familiar scent, like lemon and lavender, filled my nose and I breathed it in deeply, wanting to get Katsuki's scent off me as quick as possible, knowing it would only make this process worse the longer I let it linger.

Shinso made his way over to me and I shuffled my feet, forcing myself to move until I reached my friend. He wrapped his arms around me and placed his lips to my temple, a familiar gesture he has done many times before. We've gotten closer over the past year, although I lashed out at him during my heats, he never judged me or held it against me afterward. I owed him my life, although he never saw it that way. Shinso was a great friend, and never once took advantage of me because I was weak; he was a really good guy. I was lucky for that.

"Hi, Izu," Shinso hummed against my temple and pulled away, grabbing my suitcase and smiling at me softly. I wanted to be happy to see them, but it just reminded me that this is all real. I was leaving Katsuki -- for good this time.

"Hi, Shin," I whispered back, smiling a little from his warm presence. My body always relaxed around him. He was the only Alpha I ever had scent me, and his presence comforted my Omegan nature. Shinso patted my hair softly and then hauled my bags to the car where I could see Mina in the driver's seat, watching me through the window with a soft smile. I waved at her and sighed. I missed them.

I watched Shinso pop the trunk and begin packing my bags away as I thought over if I forgot anything inside. When I was sure that I had everything, I began walking to the car with my hands deep in my pockets, my hoodie zipped up around my chilled body. Everything was cold, always.

"You all set?" Shinso asked once I reached him, he held the car door open for me and I narrowed my eyes as the pull between Katsuki and I seemed to strain so hard I was afraid it would just snap.

"Yeah," I hummed but didn't move until a car pulled up and into the driveway -- music playing way too loud for this early in the morning. My eyes flickered to the driver, only for my heart to thump painfully in my chest as I recognized the yellow hair.

Denki glanced at me with a look of surprise on his face before his gaze shot away and he finished parking the car. I looked back at the car door that was being held open and I pinched my eyes shut, I needed to leave. What was he doing here? I whimpered as images of my mate and Denki spending the morning together begun plummeting my mind. My body ached and I shook my head. It doesn't matter anymore.

I needed to leave. Now. I started walking off towards Mina with my fingers curled tightly in my pockets. My nails bit into the flesh of my palms and I winced.

"Izuku?" Katsuki's voice startled me and I flinched and froze in my spot. The tears I had been holding back all morning spilled over and my knees shook. Shinso wrapped an arm around me, noticing my shaky legs, but all I could hear was the sudden low growling coming from the direction of the house. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to just disappear.