Izuku Midoriya

(Angst)
(Self Depreciation)
(Depression)

Mina and Shinso both voiced their concerns about leaving me here alone with the Alpha, but Shoto eased their qualms quickly. He told them of his intentions with helping me through this and it helped us all feel a bit more comfortable with this arrangement. His intentions were pure.

Shoto was mature, my age, and someone I had once been comfortable with. The Alpha was a good match for what I needed. I would be going through the withdraw of being away from my mate. I would feel the pain and my instincts would start acting up again. It happened before and would happen again. Only now, it would be worse considering I let Katsuki knot me and his scent had been mingled with mine.

I wouldn't handle this well alone. I needed an Alpha to get me through this. Shoto knew what this would be. The Alpha would have to scent me, calm my instincts, and help me through my heats. I would have to bond with him. Shoto would not replace my mate bond, but Omegas needed to create some type of bond with whatever Alpha was caring for them. I would want it. I would want to have a better connection with Shoto once he began to take over the role of my Alpha. It would happen, I just needed to prepare myself for it. It's just biology. Nature. Instincts.

What Shoto didn't know was that I had been on suppressants for almost four years. He didn't know what I had practically given my reproductive system chemical burns from all the pills and hormones I pumped into me.

I ate suppressants like skittles and it was a well-known fact that my body would begin to go haywire the longer I was off them. My system would be trying to regulate to being off the hormones. It wasn't known what could happen, but I had assumed it would affect my heats. Clearly, it had. I had been off the pills for a month and I had already gone into heat early. My hormones were utterly fucked now and I doubted Shoto was prepared for that.

"I need to talk to you about something," Mina and Shinso had left yesterday after Shoto eased their worried minds. They knew that if Katsuki contacted them, to just tell him I was alive and well, but I didn't want to be found.

I called my mother as well. She wasn't happy that I left without saying goodbye. She was worried and told me that my mate had come by asking for me. However, I made it clear that I did not want him to find me and that if he asked, I didn't want her to tell him my location. I wasn't in the mood to chat for long, so I left it at that. My mother agreed and - like always - told me she loved me and would always be there for me.

"Sure," Shoto nodded towards the kitchen and pulled out a chair for me at the dining room table. I took a seat and folded my hands over one another on top of the table. The Alpha looked at me curiously as I began to fidget. I touched the smooth wood, running my fingers along the polished top nervously.

"I wanted to be upfront with you before -- before this gets too far," I kept my eyes cast down at the table while I continued to draw patterns on the wood. Shoto hummed and I could feel his eyes focused on me.

"I have been -- had been -- taking heat suppressants for a while and --" The Alpha growled causing me to tense up. I rarely witnessed such sounds from Shoto in the past and they had my arms breaking out in gooseflesh.

"How long have you been taking them?" Shoto asked once he had calmed himself enough to stop growling. He took a few breaths and relaxed while I calmed my body's reactions to his anger.

"Four years," I whispered and frowned when I saw his fists clenching in his lap. A low rumble from his chest had me biting my lip. It was a well-known fact that those pills were bad for Omegas. Shoto's old enough to have heard of what happens to Omegas that take them for too long. At the time, I didn't have a choice. I was to take the pills and have fewer heat cycles or deny the suppressants and suffer month after month of pain. My body would have shut down if I didn't do it. I didn't have a choice.

"Are you on them now? Christ, Izuku -- are you okay?" Shoto's concern was heartwarming, but it wasn't needed. I did this to myself. He didn't need to be sad for me.

"I stopped taking them a month ago because -- well -- I was going to be with Katsuki. I spent four years without him so -- It was either take them of suffer." I frowned and the Alpha cursed under his breath. I didn't know if I was okay. I could only imagine how messed up my body was from them and I refused to go get looked at. It would hurt too much to hear the words that I feared would be said.

If I couldn't have children because of my decision to take the pills, I would be devastated. I wanted children, even if it wasn't with Katsuki.

"Good," Shoto breathed and I glanced at him. He gave me a small smile but I quickly looked away. There was more I had to say before I could let myself relax. I didn't want another person being brought into my chaotic life that had the option to leave before the storm hit.

"There's more," Shoto stated and I gave a slow nod. My fingers lazily traced the woodgrain patterns while he watched me.

"Yeah, there's more."

"Take your time," Shoto encouraged and I exhaled deeply. Why did he have to be so damn considerate? I wasn't used to the patient, understanding type of Alpha that Shoto was. As much as I was grateful, I was resentful of this perfect set up. It would be so easy to stay here with the Alpha and not look back. While I was comfortable here, my mate was out there getting over the fact that I had slept with him and then left.

"You seem to know enough about Omegas, so I doubt this will be hard to understand. I was on those pills for a long time and now that I am off, my system is all messed up. I went into heat last week when I wasn't supposed. My emotions are running wild as well. Until my body is completely regulated again I will be -- a handful? A lot to deal with, I guess. I want you to know that you don't have to do this. I can go home. I just felt you deserved to know what you're getting yourself into." I ran my fingertips along the wood and trailed off with my words. I wanted to go back to bed.

That's all I have wanted for the past two days but Mina, Shinso, and Shoto have all kept me up. Until Mina and Shin left last night. Shoto let me get some extra sleep but didn't force me to act as if I were happy.

"I don't have a lot of experience with Omegas, but I know enough about Omegan instincts and hormones around heats. It's likely you will have some rough days, but as long as you consent, I would happily help you."

"Like at the table the other day?" I had been getting upset, lost in my own head. The guilt had been eating me alive and Shoto picked up on it quickly. The little stunt he pulled with grabbing the back of my neck had been a very dominant move on his part. However, I hadn't felt unsafe or frightened. It was helpful.

"Umm -- Yeah, like at the table the other day. I didn't mean to upset you if I had." Shoto quickly added but I waved him off. I wasn't a child. I understood myself enough to know that I had to deal with things the other sub-genders didn't. The fact that I needed an Alpha presence in my life now that I am having heats didn't bother me. It was a part of my life that I had to endure.

"Don't worry about it. It's just how things are. I don't mind you taking charge like that. Things will be -- rough -- and I don't know how out of hand I might get. I got pretty depressed before. I got angry at another time. I lashed out. I don't want to hurt you or anyone else. Do what you must, I won't hold it against you." I wouldn't hold it against the Alpha for doing what he needed to keep me alive and safe. That would be stupid of me.

"I guess we should talk about something else," Shoto hummed and turned towards me. I felt the shift in his posture and turned to look at him as well. He did look a little nervous. Or was he uncomfortable? Whatever it was, it had my attention. The Alpha mused over what he was thinking about before he sighed heavily.

"I guess I should tell you to take your time as well?" I teased and watched as he chuckled with a soft shake of his head. I smiled down at my lap. It was nice to talk to someone and laugh again. Shoto had always been easy to talk to.

"Perhaps you're right," He cooed, reaching out to ruffle my hair. He always did that, and like always, I swatted his hand away with a whine of protest. Shoto only laughed again but pulled his hand back. "Still don't like that? What was your excuse back in high school? Ah yes -- you said it messed up your curls and you worked hard to style it before school." The Alpha tapped his chin as if thinking and I huffed while rolling my eyes.

"It did take forever! You were always messing it up though," I grumbled but couldn't help that ticked at the corner of my lips.

"I swore you took long enough to come out of the closet as well. With all the fussing over your hair you did, I'm surprised no one else called you out on it." Shoto teased still and this time I felt the heat running up my neck. It only made him laugh louder and my small smile turned into a full grin.

"I guess it was kind of funny," I agreed and Shoto pressed his hand over his mouth with a shake of his head.

"Damn right, it was funny," The Alpha chuckled and I rolled my eyes. When he got a hold of himself he grinned and relaxed into the chair. "I guess now is a bad time to ruin the light atmosphere, but I need to ask, Izuku." He began and my smile faded some but my body was still bubbling with the warm afterglow of the laugh we had shared.

"Go ahead," I prompted and Shoto pinched the hem of his shirt, nervously. I watched him tug at a loose string for a moment before I playfully nudged him. He jumped but gave me a smile.

"Come on," I rolled my eyes to tease him. He was too nervous over nothing. Hardly anything embarrassed me too much anymore. I had been naked in front of Mina and Shinso far too many times in the midst of my heats to be shy now.

"Okay, okay --" He chuckled and I smiled. "I was wondering what you planned for your heats? If you think they could be unpredictable then we need to discuss this beforehand. I really don't want to be caught off guard by your heat and I doubt you want me to be either. I want you to be safe here, not worried about anything if I can help it." Shoto was serious now, something that I rarely saw with him growing up. He was stonefaced with people he didn't know well, but not with me.

However, I knew the reason for the mask. He was nervous about the subject and it proved he was serious about my safety. I appreciated it.

I cleared my throat and thought about it for a moment. I had Shinso scent me before during my heats and it helped ease the pain some, but it never really lasted or eased the real ache inside. I had tried touching myself. Although that never really helped considering I was trying not to think about the underage Alpha at the time. I would be in that same boat this time. I didn't want to think about Katsuki during my heat. I wanted to move on. Heal.

I refused to be tied down with my own devotion to a man that wouldn't love me. Katsuki deserved to be happy. I loved him, so I would let him go. I wanted that.

I looked at Shoto and he was watching me curiously. Shoto meant no harm. He wanted to help me. I trusted him -- as much as I could knowing that I hadn't even seen the Alpha in over four years. But I did know him well back then and I knew he would look out for me. I never witnessed him cave to his instincts but I knew they were there. He was an Alpha male. They would show its ugly face if presented the opportunity. I just had to decide how much I was willing to give.

Was I okay with having him mate me during my heats if that meant I could survive this? Would I be okay having Katsuki flood my mind while Shoto is inside me? I frowned but shook my head to myself. Katsuki would always be in my mind. I would be betraying him. I knew this.

But I would live. I would get to move on. Katsuki would finally be happy, and I would be free. The pain would be gone and we both could start fresh.

Looking at Shoto, I sighed and gave a wry smile. He tilted his head but waited for me to say what I had taken so long to muse over. Thought, worries, and insecurities were still raging through my unsettled mind. But I knew what I had to do. I was okay with this. My life had flipped on its head so many times that, at this point, I couldn't care less. This was a new chapter in my life. I was used to fighting day by day just to survive. Only now, for another reason. My reason now was so that I could do what I always wanted to do -- make Katsuki happy and keep him safe.

"When my heat comes, feel free to mate with me. I don't mind if you do or don't, but I have tried almost everything else. I can't -- umm -- get myself off without thinking about him, and I can't just endure it alone anymore. I mated with him a few days ago and my instincts won't settle for less now. I want him out of my head and this is an option. I won't be mad; I will be grateful, Shoto. Just don't knot me --" I hung my head and clenched my jaw tight. I would leave that for Katsuki. Just one thing he had of me that no one else would.

Sex was just sex.

I already gave myself my Katsuki, so this would be fine. I didn't care anymore. Everything else was already so fucked up, my heart, my body, my love life, my friendships. It's all fucked up and my fault. Time to reap what you sew, Izuku. I looked up at the Alpha who was wearing a shocked expression. His eyes were wide as he watched me. I know Shoto would think this was some kind of joke, but it wasn't. I didn't care anymore.

There was no point in caring as long as I got healthy and my body regulated. I have been in pain since my eighteenth birthday and was ready to finally live. Whether that involved Katsuki or not -- and it did not.

"Yeah, just mate me whenever the time comes. You have my permission -- I'm done being in pain. I don't want to spend this next part of my life in pain. I want to get better. I don't want to hurt anymore--" It was true; everything hurt. I could feel the familiar sting of tears forming in my eyes but I blinked them away. I was done crying. I was done being in pain. I was done being controlled by stupid emotions.

I wanted to be okay again -- I just wanted to be okay.