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"I urge you all today, especially today during these times of chaos and war, to love yourself without reservation and restraint.

Unless you're into leather"

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(Angst)

(Mentions of rape)

Graduating high school left Kirishima feeling quite pathetic; while his friends were all getting accepted into their dream universities, he was left with a burning feeling of dread and panic that he couldn't shake. He had nowhere to go, no money for school, and no friends. Everyone was leaving him behind, yet again. Even his best friend, who had been his backbone and protector since they became friends freshman year, was now leaving him to move across the country in pursuit of a business management degree from his top choice University.

He knew that when Bakugou leaves for his dream school, he won't have anybody positive left in his life. It hit him hard when Bakugou finally packed up and left on his 10-hour flight to California because it suddenly became real for him.

He was alone.

There were promises of Skype calls and texting between the two men, but Kirishima knew that those things would not last forever, nor would it be enough for him to feel some sort of normality like he had when he was within arm's reach of the blond. The emotional pain of losing Bakugou was worse than any of the physical pain he had endured during middle school. The pain of when his mother would get so high that she and her friends would beat him after school didn't compare to the loneliness he felt after his safe haven had moved away.

This pain was new and deep, it reached so far inside him that even the scalding hot showers didn't numb the feeling of utter loneliness that struck him at random times during the night. Nonetheless, this type of pain was an innocent pain, something that Kirishima had never known before.

When his mother started the regular beatings in 5th grade, the emotional neglect he had grown up with now had a comfortable spot next to the physical pain he now received. He loved his mother, but he often wondered if she loved him back, considering that she was never awake when Kirishima was home. She was either too busy strung out on dope or heavily passed out to give him any attention.

Her drug addiction only became worse with time and when Kirishima graduated from high school, she was finally busted at a drug deal gone wrong. She was put into a rehabilitation center, which left Kirishima alone in yet another way. His house was empty, there was no obnoxious music or drugged-out strangers crashed on the floor.

All those years wishing for silence suddenly felt like a waste of breath. Now he just wishes there would be any kind of human contact in his life, in his home. At first, Kirishima would call Bakugou just to hear how his friend was doing at school. It would help settle his mind enough for him to not freak out about being alone for days on end.

Talking to his friend would provide enough distraction for him not to hurt himself, or lose his mind, after one too many times of a stranger his mother had brought around previously, tried breaking into his home while he was alone. After a few months of this pattern, Bakugou became too busy with his own life to be there for Kirishima and he knew that school had been taking up a lot of the hot-head's energy and time. Nevertheless, it didn't stop the twisting and nagging feeling of rejection when his phone calls would go straight to voicemail.

A few more months and Kirishima stopped calling altogether and waited for Bakugou to initiate contact. Calling Bakugou all the time made him feel weak and like he couldn't handle himself on his own. He doesn't want Bakugou feeling as if he was too broken to function without the ash-blonde by his side.

Kirishima may have been devastated by how his life was playing out, but he'd never wish to bring such sorrow and pain on his best friend. Bakugou had his own problems to worry about and apparently It didn't involve Kirishima in any way, shape, or form.

He couldn't afford college and in all honesty, he always thought his mental health would prevent him from getting through school anyway, considering how frequently he had panic attacks. The episodes would leave him debilitated for a few hours, if not the rest of the day. Instead of going to school, he worked a handful of odd jobs to make money for the bills that his mother's absence left him to cover.

Two years after graduation he had finally gotten some grounding in his life. His mother was released from her rehabilitation facility after being 1 year clean and sober. She moved back home and although his relationship with his mother sucked, he was beginning to feel better having some human contact in the house again.

Hell, it was generally nice just to feel some human contact in his life.

His hair had gotten longer, his body taller and leaner compared to his high school days. His hair, when laid down, reached his shoulders and hung softly in his face. He kept his signature red; it gave him a feeling of normalcy in his chaotic life. Of course, that feeling of normalcy didn't last too long, because not two months after his mother got home, she began using again.

Harder drugs caused more violent outbursts and strange men to enter his life and his home.

On more than one occasion, Kirishima had found himself on his back while some man grunted on top of him to pay off drug debt his mother had acquired. At age 20 Kirishima had been beaten down mentally, physically, and sexually by family and strangers to the point where he no longer recognized himself. 

He was a walking shell of the man he used to be, weak, and pathetic.

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"You're just a pathetic whore!" The man holding his face into the mattress would only thrust harder the more he cried out. It was never quick and easy, he couldn't help but scream and cry, and that only made the whole ordeal last longer. His first time was the worst, he never imagined losing his virginity this way, but with a gun pointed to his mother's unconscious drugged-out body, he forced himself to endure it.

"All you're good for is taking cock! It would be best to remember that next time you try and fight back!" After the 5th or 6th time, Kirishima had begun to believe the words that were grunted and cursed at him during these 'payment' sessions.

He believed them. He was good for nothing. 

Useless.

Weak. 

A Slut.

A Whore.

Bad. 

Good for nothing.

Only good for taking cock.

He had begun to believe those words with all his heart. What had his life come to? He often wondered things like that. How did a promising student with good grades and a bright smile wind up being bred by strange drug-dealing men to keep his mother from being killed over drug money?

"Stop your fucking crying, slut." It was hard not to cry when his hands were being forced down and his mouth was being violated by different men; however, soon he wouldn't cry anymore. The beatings would only be worse when he cried. So he took it like the good cock whore he was branded as throughout the next few months.

It wasn't until his mother ended up in the hospital, and he had a particularly brutal 'payment session', that Kirishima finally had enough of the abuse and left town. At only 20-years-old, he took what little money, confidence, and material things he had and left.

Leaving his mother and abusers behind.

__________________________

The nightmares didn't stop with the change of scenery though. They didn't stop when he got a new job, or when he got his first car, or when he met a new friend, Denki Kaminari, at his work. They didn't stop when he had his new friend move in with him in a small 2 bedroom apartment. The panic attacks didn't stop either.

When he met his boyfriend, Shinso, they were so bad that it took over a month before he would let Shinso touch him. The flashbacks of the strange men didn't stop when he gathered the courage to finally have sex with Shinso for the first time. He had cried and they had to stop because he started panicking while having a flashback and begging for it to 'end already'.

He was mortified and embarrassed. Remembering his boyfriend's confused face as their naked bodies pulled apart still made him nauseous. Utterly mortified. Life was hell, his own personal hell, that seemed to catch up with him no matter how hard or far he ran; he still didn't give up.

More time passed before any real healing began. Finally, five years after graduating from high school, things seemed to be the best that they had ever been for him. He had been living in the same apartment with Denki for 3 years now. However, his relationship with Shinso didn't last. With his constant self-esteem issues and past trauma, it became too much for them both to handle.

Relationships were just too much for his own mental health. Taking care of another person while he himself needed intense taking care of, would never work. Shinso was great at first, constantly making sure he was okay and never pressuring him into things that made him uncomfortable or could trigger him.

Sex was never fun or pleasurable like it was supposed to be, but after the abuse that his body took, how could it ever be pleasurable again? He was never able to orgasm if it were another person touching him, he always had to bring himself over the edge and finish himself off. His and Shinso's relationship started to die off after two years. Shinso couldn't keep up. He couldn't handle Kirishima's problems. Some days, Shinso would yell and cuss at him when they had arguments, and shouting always made him more upset.

Shinso would typically ignore him for days when Kirishima would have a breakdown and freak out over little things. When they would make up after a fight, it became harder each time for them both to go back to normal. On top of the fighting and arguments, Shinso had become rougher in bed, more than he really liked. Maybe it was because he no longer trusted Shinso that things felt rougher? Or many he was too fucked up to just let all of his past go. Whatever it was, he wanted out and being with Shinso only made things worse.

Sex was never fun before, but now it was triggering. Each time would only lead him to tears and wild pleas for him to stop, just like that first time, only Shinso never stopped, only yelled at him for being weak. Shinso would call him names for crying and not being able to put out for his boyfriend. It brought back horrible memories of his past and he just couldn't imagine lying on his back and taking it anymore.

Shinso couldn't handle him or his baggage, nobody could.

The relationship turned toxic and after those 2 years together, and Shinso left him for some twink he met at a bar. Even though the relationship was turned to shit, it hurt like hell. Fortunately, he had Denki, his roommate, and his best friend. Denki was the only one who knows everything. Well, as much as Kirishima wanted to tell anyone. Denki knew that Kirishima was abused when he was younger and has also experienced sexual trauma. But that's it.

Kirishima never went into details about his past, only enough to explain his panic attacks, nightmares, and his distaste for being touched by strangers. Denki never pressed for him to talk about it to him, but after a few months of their life as roommates and experiencing his panic attacks multiple times, he convinced him to go to therapy.

At first, he hated therapy, but the more he went, the more he realized that the schedule and challenges the therapist gave him had him feeling a bit more confident and it made him feel like he was doing something good with his life. After his relationship had ended, he was glad to have his therapist. Denki was a good friend to him; they have become very close and they know almost everything about each other. Kirishima let Denki touch him and that was something no one else can do.

He even told Denki about Katsuki Bakugou.

He has never forgotten about his childhood friend. Bakugou was still on his mind and at times it was the one thing that keeps him from doing anything stupid. When the depression would get worse, he would remember Katsuki and the way that they were as children when he wasn't so broken.

With time, lots of time, his smile returned. Little by little he settled into a life that he enjoys for the most part. He found a job as a waiter at some fancy restaurant downtown that paid well. He normally received generous tips from his customers, and it makes him feel good to serve people and make them smile, even though customers weren't always so nice back to him

Denki worked from home, he was an editor and helped edit newspaper articles and journals, even some books. It paid him well and he had never struggled to pay rent with Denki around. Something that the pair had bonded over was the fact that Denki has been openly gay for most of his life, which made Kirishima feel more comfortable considering he was open about his preference for men as well.

He hasn't dated anyone after Shinso, he has been focusing on his own mental health. Relationships are too much work and he can barely make his own daily decisions by himself, let alone care for another person. He stopped having sex as well. It had been over a year since Shinso. The last memories of sex had been terrible, even when he and Shinso were on good terms, it was still hard to get through the act.

He hated how he felt so vulnerable during sex, but his body craved the feeling of being stuffed and taken over. Like his mind knew how fucked up he was and made him crave the feeling of being dominated. If only his brain could catch up to what his body wants. He wanted a boyfriend but wasn't sure if he just craved sex or intimacy. Relationships could be so much work, was it worth it?

Although he lived with Denki, neither one had ever done anything sexual together; the most they had done was some heavy grinding on the dance floor at gay clubs to watch the other men drooled over them. Sure they turned each other on, they both were attractive men and the feeling of each other's body pressed together, grinding and groping, turned them on immensely. They just never looked at each other like anything more than friends.

It was just nice to have some human contact, and because there were very few people who had been able to touch him, Denki has taken over that role. They often cuddled or held hands, giving Kirishima just enough human contact to feel sort of alive again. They were friends and were comfortable with that aspect of their relationship; Kirishima was comfortable with that. 

Denki had been in a relationship with a man named Hanta Sero for the past 6 months. However, Kirishima didn't see much of his roommate's boyfriend. Denki always talked about Hanta and was very open about their sexual life. Denki and his boyfriend were both parts of some strange type of lifestyle community that Denki called a 'BDSM' lifestyle or kink community.

From what little Denki has told him about it, Hanta was a 'dominant' and needed to have control of his partners, also known as the 'submissive', and Denki was the submissive who loved to willingly give his power over to his master, both sexually and mentally. The word master sent unfamiliar waves through his body and he wasn't sure how to feel about. He wasn't sure how to think about his friends being controlled by some man either.

Master seemed a bit much. 

Kirishima noticed that Denki had been very cautious when telling him about this part of his life, he could only assume it was because Denki had been considering his past trauma and he didn't want to make his roommate and best friend uncomfortable. But still, Kirishima didn't appreciate the lack of communication about the thing that seemed to be such a major part of his best friend's life. He wasn't weak. He didn't need Denki and Hanta to walk around on eggshells over a stupid subject that was related to his friend's sexual preference.

He hated that Denki always pussyfooted around the subject. Sure he thought it sounded strange as fuck, but the blond twink was his friend and he would never judge Denki for his kinks or lifestyle choices. As long as he was not being hurt, and from what Denki said, he was not hurt at all.

Not seriously at least.

Even when he would come home with slight bruises on his wrists or a sore ass, limping to his bed or soaking in a hot bath, Denki swore up and down that it was the best thing ever. The only time he didn't act that way was when he had been 'punished' as Denki would say. Punished. Kirishima cringed at that word, but his friend swore that everything going on with their relationship was consensual and was everything that he wanted and needed.

It took a while for Kirishima to come to terms with it, but soon he felt comfortable around the subject and was more than willing to listen to Denki when he needed to vent or wanted to talk about his relationship with his master/boyfriend. Although life was seeming to settle down, his past still haunted him. Therapy helped but never fully took the edge off.

He did find that alcohol would take the edge off; so Kirishima began drinking in the middle of the night to avoid the nightmares. Drinking at night turned into drinking in the mornings, and afternoons, and also when he was at work. Denki noticed and tried to talk about the situation with him, but it only made Kirishima upset.

He felt weak already and didn't need anyone telling him that he needed any more help, not even Denki. His friend was gone more than he was at home lately and the loneliness set back in. His mind begun to drift back into a state where he really should not have been again. The darkness was deeper the second time around, and he was not sure how much more he could take living like this. 

Slipping out of control again, he had no structure to his life anymore, no security, and no love. No love other than the brotherly love that Denki could give him, and no sense of belonging. More than anything, Kirishima wanted to belong somewhere, he craved it. Around this time, Denki had begun to see familiar patterns in his best friend, patterns that Denki had once experienced himself.

Kirishima was falling out of control, much like Denki had a few years ago.

When Denki was first introduced to the world of BDSM, it was because he had been so alone that he wanted to find someone to take care of him. He was addicted to sex and taking pills and had found himself in dangerous situations more than once in order to fill his desires. He heard from a friend that there was a type of relationship where you could give up control and have someone look after you and guide you along with being taken care of sexually.

It sounded perfect to him in his time of need. In hindsight, it wasn't smart of him at the time to so willingly stumble into a random kink club looking for a dominant.

Luckily, he stumbled into a credible kink club and met the Master Dominant of the club almost instantly who sat down with him and talked about his situation, his feelings, what he craved, and what he thought would help him. The Master Dominant coached him, took care of his submissive training to be a certified submissive at the club, and helped him fully learn what BDSM was.

He even introduced him to Master Hanta.

When he met Hanta, Denki was in rough shape and could barely do anything on his own without breaking down from the pressure he put on himself. Master Hanta came into his life and helped create some form of order and security, taking charge and helping build his confidence as well as taking the pressure off him that was nagging in his mind.

He trusted Hanta to take care of him and make the right choices for him. It felt right, and they quickly developed romantic feelings for each other as well. Without Hanta, and if he had never stumbled into the world of BDSM, Denki was not sure where he might have ended up. Definitely not being the successful editor he was now. After a few weeks of convincing his spiraling redheaded friend, Denki managed to talk Kirishima into coming as a guest to the kink club that he was a member at.

From what Kirishima understood, the club had just moved into a new building with a new name. Supposedly, they had expanded, gaining some more dominants that wanted to be members at this club, therefore gaining more subs and more people who wanted to enjoy the fetish, or was actually interested in the lifestyle, like Denki. The owners needed more room and wanted to expand, so they did. They must have been popular as well as had money to afford moving like that.

The Red Door was an accredited kink club that Denki trusted and knew that Kirishima would be safe to attend as a guest. Kirishima trusted him more than anyone else in his life at the moment, so he agreed to, at least, go once to see how he felt. Kirishima wasn't afraid to try new things, as long as his safety was promised, and he trusted Denki. Kirishima was not sure how to feel about this though. Denki had talked him into just trying it out and going as a guest, swearing that it helped him a while back and gave him a reason to keep going. Kirishima liked the sound of that. He needed a reason to keep going.

His friend opened up about his past and told him the story about how he came upon this lifestyle and how it sparked a bit of hope in him. Denki told him that he would just have to wear this special red bracelet that told others that he was visiting and was not there to play, he was there to just socialize.

Plus, he promised not to leave the redhead's side all night. With a promise that no one would dare mess with him as long as he wore that bracelet, Kirishima felt more comfortable and above all else, intrigued by the idea of The Red Door. Denki always looked so happy after spending time with Master Hanta or coming home from the club with his master.

He never spoke ill of his relationship other than the few times he was whining over a punishment. The more he heard Denki talk about these things, the more that everything began to sound fuckin' hot, and the idea of belonging to someone, to anyone, made his heart flutter in a way that made him feel sickly sweet and fuzzy inside.

He wants to have the happiness that Denki seems to have; it fixed Denki, so maybe it could help fix him as well?

After a long chat with Denki about club rules, and discussing how he would be expected to behave and act, as well as manners in front of other dominants, Kirishima feels more than a little nervous about everything, to say the least. He even read over the PDF file online on guest rules for the club multiple times.

Something else was blooming in his stomach that makes him even more uncomfortable; he feels aroused by the rules and regulations, the threat of punishment for disrespecting any dominant that was wandering around thrilled him in a way that set his teeth on edge. Sure, he knew that he would more than likely freak out if a stranger tried those things on him, but he couldn't help the twitch in his jaw at the images in his head.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, he thought to himself while he grabbed the house keys and headed out for his first trip to The Red Door. With Denki on his arm, and a small grin dusting his nervous lips, Kirishima could feel a small spark of hope bloom in his chest for the first time in years, and it scared the hell out of him.