Why, Sherlock. Why the bleep did you leave John. He. Has. No one. No one. No one at all. W-Why would you even... I know why, I just don't understand. I know how you lived. I know how you told your lie. I know. But I don't understand. Why, Sherlock. Not a question. A statement. Why, Sherlock.

John never saw you hit the ground. John never saw you. He was disoriented: Exactly how you wanted him to be. He never saw you hit the ground. The truck  was blocking his view. Richard Brook never existed. Jim killed himself, just like you wanted. Mrs. Hudson lived. Lestrade lived. Mycroft lived. You lived. John lived but he died. I don't have to explain that. You know what I mean.

He asked you to be alive for him. He told you that you were a hero. He had things he wanted to say.

"Why would you care what people think of me?" Answer him.

"I don't understand." Make him understand. Don't soldier on. Cry.

I don't cry when Sherlock jumps. I don't cry when 'he' hits the ground. I cry when John thinks Sherlock is dead. I don't cry for Sherlock. I cry for John. I cry when he feels 'your' pulse. I cry when 'you' are taken away from him on the stretcher. I cry when he watches 'you' leave and doesn't cry. I cry when he goes to 'your' grave. I cry when he asks 'you' to not be dead. I. Cry. For. John. I don't cry for Sherlock. I cry for John, and Mycroft, and Mrs. Hudson, and Lestrade. I cry for Sherlock's friends. NOT HIM. I CRY FOR JOHN!

Whenever I watch it with my family, they always mock the drama or make jokes and references. I know why they do it. We all know why. They do it cos they don't want to feel the pain. Everyone does it. I live on the pain. I know that's corny but I do. Humans... they can't live without pain. I think... I think that when you cry, you are more human than anyone. When you are crying for a good reason, you are the most human being on the planet. I think that people try to not show emotion because they think it shows weakness, and it does in some situations. But crying for love- no... Crying for love is the best, strongest way you can cry. If a friend mocks you for crying over love, they are just afraid to show that if effects them too. They want to stand out and be the strong one. Sometimes you have to be the strong one. Sometimes you can't cry. Sometimes you just have to be there for the ones who can. But most of the time, you just need to cry too.

Crying for John seems so small and insignificant when people around the world are crying for lost family members, for salvation, for life, for friends. I know Doctor John Watson wasn't real. I know Sherlock Holmes wasn't real. But it's the human-ness of the characters, and their relationship that makes it worthwhile to cry. I only cry when there is a good reason to. As soon as I realized that I didn't need to cry for attention, I stopped. After I reached age 7 or 8, I stopped crying to get attention. I didn't cry when I stubbed my toe. I didn't cry when it was pointless to. I cried when my dad was gone on trips, or when someone in my book died. I cried because I loved. I know how strange that sounds, but it's true.

I cried for my book characters, yes, because they loved. They produced and expressed emotion no matter how fictional they were. They loved, and I loved them back. When they couldn't love any more, I cried. I cried because I couldn't imagine not being able to love. I cry when I think about dying because I won't be able to love like I can now... at least I don't think so.

"Don't. Be. Dead." Breaks my heart. I know it probably breaks everyone's, but it breaks mine too. John doesn't think he can love anymore, and no. I don't mean JohnLock. I mean he loved Sherlock like he would a brother. He loved Sherlock, and he hoped Sherlock loved him back. He was crying because he thought that Sherlock would never love him. Love doesn't have to be in a romantic way. I love my sister, I love my brother, I love my best friend. I don't love them like I would want to have a romance, but I love them like John loved Sherlock.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I am probably venting all my thoughts I have during the episode out. Yeah, that's what I'm doing.

But I hope you understand. If you don't, it's okay. You don't have to. Sorry for ranting.