Ayesha's PoV

Am I really gonna do this?

I don't know.

Yesterday I felt confident when Shamz encouraged me. But now I feels blank.

How I am gonna do this?

Seriously? I am gonna propose him?

What if he reject me?

Never.

As Shamz told, atleast I can take a chance.

But .....

I looked into the mirror and started talking to my own reflection.

"Do you really have the courage to do this Ayesha? You sure about this?"

"Yes, ofcourse. He is not someone from outside your comfort zone. Atleast he listens to you. He won't belittle you even if he don't like you. Trust him and yourself for once." The other Ayesha from the mirror told me.

"My guts questioning me. I hadn't done something like this before."

"Then let it be the first time. Take a stand for yourself this time."

I was convinced finally.

I thought about many possibilities how to propose him. But nothing worked out. Then I remembered how he was telling me to visit our grandmother's place one day. We have many childhood memories there.

I took my phone and started typing a message.

"Shall we go to maaji's place?" I sent him that.  Then I remembered something and typed again.
"Only we two this time."

Within a minute my phone beeped.
"Ready anytime madam."

I felt very happy. I opened the wardrobe to choose the best dress I have. Today I should look the best.

Half an hour later. I am all ready for our secret outing. In a designer salwar that Zehra Aapa bought for me, I waited for him. I was getting nervous thinking about how to tell him my feelings. I didn't notice him coming down the stairs and without giving me a glance he asked me to follow him. 

I sat beside him in the car and he started driving. The journey went all silent. Surprising me he also didnt try to talk with me. He didn't give me a glance too. He is so different today.

He stopped the car near an hillside. He is tired and I think he needs some rest. He got out of the car followed by me.

"Thank you Ayesha. I really needed this. It was an hectic schedule for me and I got the much needed break now."he smiled making my heart beat fastly.

"Why were you so busy?" I tried to initiate some conversation.

"Arranging everything for our return."he said and suddenly I felt sad. "This might be our last outing together."he added making me more insecure.

Good. I was here thinking of a new beginning and he is already impatient to make this the last one.

"When are you going back?" I asked.

"It may take one more week. Baba is trying to arrange tickets for us. But you know this is season."

I sighed. At this point I don't think he has a reason to stay back. But still I wanted to ask him for my own peace.

"Zain, I have something to tell you. It's very important for me."I tried to gain his attention.

He looked at me enthusiastically.

"Mama is getting me married. But I...." before I complete I heard him congratulating me.

"Wow...that's a great news. Indeed a big news."he was coming to hug me but then I saw him stop abruptly.

What's so great about this?

"But Zain..."

"Ayesha, I am really happy for you. You certainly need someone by your side. He would help you accomplish all your dreams. You deserve only the best."

I felt my eyes watering.

Seriously?

All these while I was wrong in thinking that he has some feelings for me.

This time I can't take a chance. And I decided to ask him openly.

"Zain, do you love me?" I asked and he stood there like a statue.

It took him sometime for processing what he heard. Then he gave me a smile.

"What makes you think that I don't?"he asked back which I didn't have answer. He was really calm. "Definitely. I care for you. You are the only friend I have."

Friend?

"That....I thought.... Mama wants me to get married soon. But then Shamz told me that you may have feelings for me. I wanted to tell you that..."

He suddenly started laughing. That felt like an insult for me.

"How small brain you have Ayesha? You think that I loves you?"

It ached me. Destroyed me.

"But why do you then behaved so close to me? You always says that I am precious.  Right?"

"That doesnt mean I am in love with you. What do you think? I may be the only one close to you. But for me you are not the only girl whom I knows. I behaves same with everyone. And I can't love everyone of all."

What I feared came true in the most brutal way.

He didn't love me.

He rejected me even before I tell him that I love him.

All my dreams shattered right infront of me.

"Ayesha, may I ask you why did you ask me this now? You are all ready to marry with..."

"I am sorry. I thought Shamz was right and it is my duty to clear it. Leave it. Let's go."I stopped him before he bombards me with more questions.

Let him not know that I loved him. Never ever.

Let him go back to his home.

Then I would marry Azhar and our chapter would be closed forever.  If that's fate, let it be.

I opened the door and waited for him to come back and drive me back to home.
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"Ayesha, calm down." Shamz tried his best to pacify me.

But I couldn't control myself.

"I shouldn't have asked him that. Now he would stay away from me. I will loose his friendship. Its really hurting me Shamz."

"Hey, nothing like that would happen. If you want I can talk with him."

"No, please. I don't want him to remember this again. I wish I didn't take that step. He might have misunderstood me."

He sighed.

"Ayesha, you need some rest. Stop overthinking. We can deal with this later. You don't stress please."

"I want to be alone for sometime. Please." I requested.

"Ok. I will leave now. But stop crying."

I nodded and he left leaving me alone.

I felt ashamed of myself.

I ruined our friendship.

Why did I ask him that?

Would he talk with me hereafter?

More than all, it affected me when he said that he doesn't love me. It was all my hallucination. My heart desired for something that I don't deserve. And with no shame, I asked him.

He rejected me.

He doesn't love me.

I cried .... cried the whole day. Until I made up my mind.
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I stood infront of mama with guilt and regret. I was not there with her whenever she needed me the most. I would never let her down hereafter.

I promise you Baba.

I would fulfill all her wishes and would never let anything affect her health.

"I am sorry mama for being rude."

She looked at me all confused.

I hugged her unable to control my tears.

"I am ready for this marriage." I felt her face brightening as if she has heard the most wonderful news of her life.

"Ayesha, are you sure?" She asked me.

I nodded.

"It was a mistake from my side. If you don't want this, I would never force you. You can take your own time dear."she spoke.

"No mama. I have nothing left to do. I am ready for this. You can decide everything hereafter."
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I didnt hear anything about Zain after our last meet. I came to know from Hanah that he left to Delhi to meet some friends. He didn't inform me before he goes. That completely broke me. I had actually lost whatever bond we shared.

My cousins celebrated my consent for marriage as if they were all waiting for me to get married.

At the end I lost it.

I was fighting with the whole world for some recognition and today all the evil won over me. All the people who wanted me to end up as a normal woman in someone's kitchen won and I lost. I lost as my baba's daughter. I lost it as a doctor. I don't know what's my future. All these while I had some big dreams. Now somebody else would decide my future.

"Ayesha, atleast now you thought about your mama over yourself."

"This would be the best for you. Who knows."

"You have some duties to your mother. Take a break from your work and take care of her"

Aunties gang has appreciated me for finally thinking about my mama. As if I didn't care about my mother anytime before.  The way all these people making me feel like a selfish woman suffocated me.

Am I so bad?

All the insecurities I was trying to bury within myself suddenly jumped out.

Am I a bad daughter?

There is nothing in me that makes me a good person. 

That's it. That's why even Zain didn't like me. He rejected me because I am a good for nothing girl. He just showed me some sympathy and offered me companionship because he was bored here.

Not just him. Not any sane person would like me.

Suddenly I went back to my college days. It is true that nobody had shown any interest in me. My school life...5 years of my college life at Bangalore. No one. Not even one boy had proposed me. My all friends had boy friends and I was the odd one among them. They used to get so many gifts for valentines day. But not even a single boy approached me till now. I was really a boring person.

I felt the urge to cry and escaped from there.

I was passing through Asiya aunty's room when I heard her shouting at uncle. I stopped there to listen.

"Ali, I know with whom my son should get married. Don't give me advices hereafter."she talked louder.

"About Ayesha, haven't we talked before? You were not....."

"Please Ali. Not again. I don't want to argue. This time I made up my mind."

Not again.

Are they talking about me?

What is Ali uncle's problem? Why do he have to take my name everytime and get me insulted. It hurts me. Already their son has no interest in me and now aunty is throwing me insults. I can't handle that again.

Why should I endure this everytime?

As far as I know, I didn't do any mistake to them. Still they are hurting me.

"Ali, you don't know anything about Zain and Ayesha. You should know that...." she was talking when I came between them.

"Asiya aunty, please stop."

They both gave me shocked face.

"If you are talking about me, make this simple. Atleast don't insult me when I did no harm for you." I spoke questioning my own guts.

There is a limit to everything.

"Ayesha dear.." uncle tried to smile fakely.

"Uncle please. I am not interested in your son. This should be the last time you take my name for him. There is nothing between us that binds us. Try to understand. I respect you. That doesn't mean I would endure all the insults your wife throws at me."I said sternly.

Hearing us all our cousins gathered around us.

"Aunty, I know that I am not smart. I am reserved.  I don't speak much. I don't know how to handle many things. But please understand that I am a humanbeing."Eventhough my mama tried to shut me down, I didn't stop.

All my aunties gave me big puppy eyes.

"Ayesha, I don't know what you are talking?" Asiya aunty tried to speak.

"But I know aunty. I know what you were talking about. I had heard you both talking about me before also." I paused before continuing. "I am aware of what I am. I can't be a good wife. Noone would be willing to have me as their daughter in law. I accept what I am. But please don't think that I am a bad person. I am happy the way I am."

They both looked at each other disappointed.

"Just keep me out of your conversations hereafter. Next time someone does this with me, I wouldn't stop myself from reacting." I gave the final warning and left to maaji's room.

Bapuji tried to stop me. But I didnt. Shamz followed me.
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I didn't speak anything so does Shamz. Maaji was watching both of us. Sometimes I think Maaji has something to talk to me. But she is unable to. Just like I suppress my feelings everytime. We both are same in so many ways. She is paralyzed, so she can't express whatever she wishes for. But what about me. An healthy humanbeing. Still not gutsy enough to show the world what I am. I am a coward. I am paralyzed with my own insecurities.

But today I felt relaxed and relieved.  I let my anger out. This time I didn't suppress it and let people walk over me. This time I am not crying in a corner. I felt confident.

I can understand what is happening downstairs. Aunties gang may be blaming me and declaring how arrogant I am. Mama might be crying. I don't know what's Asiya aunty and Ali uncle thinking about me. For a change I doesn't care about that now. For the time being I stopped thinking about what people thinks about me. Let me be the real me for atleast once.

"I hope you are not angry with me." Shamz spoke out of nowhere.

"What made you think so?"I asked without looking at him.

"Ofcourse. I am always on your side. But Ayesha, stop giving me this silent treatment. Talk to me please." I looked at him only to see nothing but concern for me.

This man is something else.

He have been with me throughout my tough period at Bangalore.

Without judging me, he is still supporting me.

"Ayesha, talk to me whatever bothers you. I don't think it is just about Zain. If opening your heart gives you relief, I am here for you" he told.

"Everyone was praising me when I was with them. But when I am not in their sight they talk shit about me. You know how good Asiya aunty behaved with me when she saw me after years. But then I heard her saying what she actually thinks about me. Her son is same. He also used to praise me. But never liked me."

Shamz nodded his head in defeat.
"Would you get him out of your head?"

"Oh yes. He just left. He left and he didn't tell me.  Before I asked him whether he loves me, he atleast treated me as a friend. He used to tell me everything in his life. But now. He just left Shamz without telling me."

"Are you gonna cry your entire life thinking about him?"

"Why should I? He is noone to me. Noone. And I am not even blaming him. He deserves better for the person he is. I want to move on Shamz. From this rejection. I can't handle this.  If the marriage helps me to move on, I would do that. Anyone I don't care."

"And what if Azhar does the same once he get to know more of you?" He asked curiously.

"I don't care. Who told him to like me seeing me at Aapa's wedding? Who told him to sent marriage proposal to my mama? He knows nothing about me. Still he did that. Right?"

"Ok. Then let it be. Now come downstairs. Bapuji and your mama might have been worried for you." He held my hand but I stopped him.

"Shamz, I am afraid. I don't know why."I spoke in a low tone. "All the people who I thought that they knows me actually didn't understand me till now. How can I trust a stranger then? Someone who don't know a bit about me. How would I spend my life with him? You are right. This Azhar. He would do the same with me. And then it would be the end of everything.  Everybody would be happy then."

"Stop this rubbish Ayesha. Don't talk like a drunkard. Come with me." He held my hand and  dragged me downstairs where everyone waiting for me.
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