I thought I saw the devil

I looked up, into the mirror, gasping.

This morning

I stepped back under the cold, hard gaze of the Winter Soldier.

Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue

I grabbed my old pill bottle, taking shaky breaths before taking three pills.

With the warning

I walked back out into the common room to see Steve grinning at me.

To help me see myself clearer

I forced myself to smile my normal, happy smile. Steve frowned.

I never meant to start a fire

"Are you doing okay, pal?" asked Steve after hugging me. I tensed, remembering how much I made him bleed.

I never meant to make you bleed

"I'm sorry, Steve." I said, dropping my gaze.

I'll be a better man today

"What are you sorry for? You didn't do anything!"

I'll be good, I'll be good

I stared him in the eye, shaking my head. "No, never mind. It's nothing. Everything's fine, I'm fine." I lied.

And I'll love the world, like I should

I started humming a song I had heard on the radio the other day and proceeded to guide him into a dance.

Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good

Steve let me guide him a little before taking the lead and I sang a little.

For all of the time

I lay awake in bed with Steve curled up next to me. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw red blood, guns, white lab coats, scenes replaying over and over again, showing me killing people.

That I never could

I watched Steve cook happily as Fang read his fan fiction aloud to Talon on the couch.

My past has tasted bitter

I took my pills again, scanning the mirror for Winter against my will. He stared back.

For years now

I sat in the doctors office, waiting for Dr Pika and Dr Berri to finish looking at the ultrasound of my brain.

So I wield an iron fist

Dr Pika looked grim as she came in with the results, apologizing. I clenched my fists.

Grace is just weakness

I danced with Steve again. It seemed like that was the only thing that could calm me down.

Or so I've been told

I modeled for Steve when he wanted to paint, smiling to myself even though nothing was okay for me right now.

I've been cold, I've been merciless

I recalled how many people I have killed in cold blood. It seemed like I killed everyone I met back then.

But the blood on my hands scares me to death

I had another nightmare and I got up and washed my hands repeatedly in hot water, crying.

Maybe I'm waking up today

I went to the gym in Stark Tower and beat a punching bag until it ripped open and then I collapsed, shaking as I held my skull.

I'll be good, I'll be good

I hugged Talon tight when I found out that he had proposed to Fang and wished him a happy marriage.

And I'll love the world, like I should

"Steve, I love you."

I'll be good, I'll be good

"I love you too, Buck."

I'll be good, I'll be good

"Отчет о миссии"

For all of the light that I shut out

I shot to my feet, drawing my knife and then I race to the door, stabbing the first person that came in.

For all of the innocent things that I doubt

"Steve...? Oh my god..." I gasped, helping him to lay on the floor as gently as possible. 

For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears

He clutched at my arm, struggling to breathe and coughing up blood. 

For all of the things that I've done all these years 

I pulled my knife out before pulling off my shirt and trying to staunch the blood that blossomed out of his stomach as I screamed and cried for help. 

And all...

"Hang on, baby. Oh, I'm so sorry. Stay with me."

Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out.

"B-buck?" he coughed up more blood.

For all of the perfect things that I doubt

"Shh, doll. Help is on the way."

I'll be good, I'll be good...

I cried as Fang ran over, pulling out his phone and calling 911.

And I'll love the world, like I should...

As the ambulance sped off to the hospital with Steve and I in the back, I couldn't hear anything. 

Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good...

I was oh so numb and a white noise filled my ears.

For all of the times

I ran next to Steve, trying to keep up with the doctor who had power-walking everywhere.

I never could

I stood outside of the operating room, watching Steve get stitched back together.

For all of the times I never could

I sat outside on the concrete next to my motorcycle, smoking in the hospital parking lot.

All of the times I never could