Zora POV

Carlton drove Will and I home from school today. It took us 45 minutes to get home today.

The three of us walked into the Banks Kitchen as I put down my bag

"Damn. I can't believe it. The school's, like,
t

hree miles away. It took us 45 minutes to get home." Will said

"I know, sweetheart. Those traffic jams
can be so frustrating." Mrs. Banks said

"It wasn't no traffic. It was Carlton's driving.
It was old people in walkers passing us." Will said

"I'm driving home tomorrow" I told them as I sat down

"Look, the fact that I'm safety conscious
does not mean I drive like a little old man." Carlton said

"Carlton, please, George Burns flipped you the bird." Will told him

"He was waving. The man has arthritis." Carlton said

"We still on for our study session" Carlton asked me

"Sure" I told him as he walked out the kitchen

I grabbed Will's hamburger out his hands and took a bit from it

"Hey, look, don't feel bad, Aunt Viv. At least you have two normal daughters." Will said when Hilary stomped into the kitchen

"I have been stabbed in the back. Is nothing sacred? Is there, like, no honor?" Hilary said

"Baby, what's the matter?" Mrs. Banks asked

"Francesca asked me to be a bridesmaid at her wedding." Hilary said

"Ah! There is, like, no God, okay?" Will said

"How dare she?" I asked putting ky hand over my heart pretending to care

"And?" Mrs. Banks asked

"Well, what do you mean, "And?" She expects me to take care of the rice they throw when they leave the church. Like I'm gonna learn how to cook just for her wedding." Hilary said as she took the burger out my hand and Will's drink and walked away

"Aunt Viv, don't feel bad. At least you have
one normal daughter." Will told her when Ashley stomped into the kitchen and kicked the chair

She threw her bookbag on the floor and chugged the milk from the carton and ate a turkey leg off the turkey

"Aunt Viv, I'd say it's about time you started feeling bad."

"I can give you the number to my therapist" I suggested 

I walked to Ashley's room and knocked on the door

"Come in." She said as I walked in and sat on her bed

"Ashley, what is wrong with you? Look, playing sick by putting a thermometer
over a 100-watt light bulb is not the way
to solve your problems. The key is a 60-watt light bulb." I joked

"Thanks, Zo, but what I really need to know
is how to kick someone's butt." She told me when Will came in the room

"Oh, word up. Carlton getting on your nerves, too?" Will asked

"It's not Carlton. It's this girl Paula Hoover.
If I don't give her my lunch, she hits me.
And tomorrow at three o'clock she's gonna beat me up whether I feed her or not." Ashley told us

"Well, I happen to know she ain't gonna be beating you up." Will told her

"Why? Did she die?" Ashley asked hopefully

"No. I'm gonna teach you how to defend yourself. Get up, girl. Come on." Will said

"Well this should be interesting" I said as Ashley and Will got up as I laid on Ashley's bed on my stomach and hugging her pillow and began watching them

"Alright, look. Step one. You gotta learn how to take somebody's heart, right? In the old days they used to call it selling woof tickets." Will told her

"She won't buy anything from me, Will." She said

"A woof ticket is like a threat." I explained to her

See, right? It's all in your attitude. It's like..
Say, man! Hey! You don't get out of my face,
man, I'm gonna hit you so hard your grandpa gonna get a lump." Will said

"I will hit you so hard it will bruise your great-grandfather badly." Ashley said. She is so sweet I can't imagine her a fighter

"Oh honey" I said shaking my head

"That would be great if you were rumbling Princess Di.  Mm, but, no, no, no, try it like this." Will said as he cleared his throat

"Say, man, I'm gonna hit you so hard
you're gonna land in another zip code!" Will yelled

"I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to land in another zip code!" She said but it sounded so polite

"Wow you have no hood in you" I said watching her

"Moving on, look, the next step is full-scale
psychological warfare, right? So you gotta act like you got this tick, right? Like the army did this experiment on you, right that just went terribly wrong." Will said twitching

"Like, back up! Back up! Mind your business, that's all. Mind your business!" Will said as Ashley nodded

"Okay. Back up! Back up! Mind your business, that's all. Just mind your business." Ashley yelled twitching as my eyes widened

"You do that and they'll admit you in the looney bin" I told her when Carlton walked in

"What the heck is going on here?" Carlton asked

"Hey, sorry, man. Homegirl says she was a Vanilla Ice fan. I kind of lost my head." Will said

"You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice." Carlton said

"Ice Ice Baby" I sung as Carlton joined in on the dun dun dun dun dun dun

"Now, what's really going on?" He asked becoming serious again

"Paula Hoover's been beating me up so Will's gonna show me how to fight her after school tomorrow." Ashley said

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Will.
Violence only begets violence." Carlton scolded him

"Dr. King" I said

"Now, that is not the way you deal with a bully. Now, I have found that as long as you pay them promptly they pretty much
leave you alone." Carlton told her

"I have been, and she still wants to beat me up." Ashley said

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why she has to defend herself. Put your hands up--" Will told her

"Not so. You and Paula must find
a common ground. Remember, "We must never negotiate out of fear but we must never fear to negotiate." Will said

"John F. Kennedy." I said

"But never forget, "Mama Said Knock You Out." Will said

"LL Cool J." I said

"So, Ashley, do you believe that violence is wrong?" Carlton asked her

"Ashley, do you believe it's wrong to be this pathetic little wimp?" Will asked

"Yes. Well, n-no. Uh, oh, I don't, I don't know.
Can I be alone now?" Ashley asked

"Well, Ashley, no matter whatever happens tomorrow just know that I believe in you." Carlton said as he walked out her room

"And, Ashley, whatever happens tomorrow
know that I believe Carlton is adopted." Will said as Carlton pushed him as Will pushed him back and they began arguing

"I should go hose them down" I said getting up

"Zo how do you feel about fighting" Ashley asked

"You shouldn't do it unless you have to" I told her

"But your always the first one to take off their earrings" she said as I laughed

"But I do it with grace" I joked trying to make her smile

"Can't you just fight her for me" Ashley asked

"I'm not gonna fight a 13 year old" I told her

"But you tried to fight adults" she told me

"Well that's different if I hate an adult I don't have the risk of being charged. If i hit a child I'll be charged. You get it" I said

"Not really" She told me as I smiled and hugged her side

"Listen Ash. Everyone in this family has a bit of Zora in them. You just have to find it." I told her as I heard something break

"I should go" I said as I got up and left her room

"Boys you are in so much trouble" I yelled scolding them. Sometimes I feel like their mother

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The next day Will and Carlton were planning on coming to Ashley's school. I saw her around a bunch of kids as I walked up to her

"Zora what are you doing here" Ashley asked noticing me

"Heads up" I whispered as she looked confused then Will walked up to us

"Hey, if it isn't my cousin, Ashley. What a nice surprise." Will said

"I should have known you'd call in reinforcements, Banks." Paula said

"And you must be the spawn of Satan." I asked looking at her

"It's-it's, it's just a coincidence, Paula. Honest." Ashley told her when Carlton walked up to us

"Ashley, isn't this a nice surprise?" Carlton said

"I warned you" I said in a sing song voice

"What are you doing here, man?" Will asked

"I'm her brother!" Carlton told him

"Shh! What do you want, to humiliate the girl?" Will asked

"Do you guys mind? Um, I'm beating someone else up at 4:00." Paula asked

"Listen, Paula the great Martin Luther King
taught us that violence is never the way.
We must rise above hate and mend our differences to perseverance and love." Carlton told her but she punched him in the stomach as we all gasped

"Thank you for helping me prove my point.
Look, I will turn the other cheek."Carlton said but she slapped him 

"Running a little low on cheeks there, huh, brah?" Will asked

"You cannot make me angry, Paula" Carlton told her as she pushed him

"because if I surrender to anger I have surrendered my very independence." He told her as she kneed him in the groin

"You know, Paula, even the great Martin Luther King probably drew the line somewhere." Carlton told her

"And it was probably somewhere around that region you were just aiming." Will said as he grabbed her and pulled her to the side 

"Girlfriend, we need to talk. I just got a little bit of a beef with you, you know? You've been messing with my cousin, Ashley, right? I gotta be honest with you, it's kind of ticking me off." Will told her

"Ooh! I'm quaking in my tube socks." She teased. This little girl was starting to get on my nerves

"Would it be wrong to punch a child" I asked out loud as Carlton put his hands on my shoulders

"I can't have you going to jail. I need you." he told me kissing the side of my head calming me down

"She's funny.  Hey, look, you know what?
This goes against everything that I believe
but you're giving me no choice." Will said

"Get her Zee" Will yelled pushing me in front of him as I rolled my eyes and walked away

"Give you five bucks, you leave her alone." Will told her

"$50." Paula told him

"$50? How are you playing me $50? Come on, $20." Will said

"$50." She repeated

"$50? How are you..Come on, baby, I ain't..
$30." Will told her

"$50." She repeated

"You know if she wasn't so scary she would be a good business person" I said

"Alright, deal. It's kind of a rough neighborhood. You wanna walk me to my car?" Will asked her as I walked up to them

"Let me tell you something. I'm not gonna fight a child but I'll tell you this." I told Paula wrapping my arm around her

"We're like a pack and I'm the Alpha and that girl right there is my baby cub and if she's upset you don't wanna know what'll happen to you if she's upset" I threatened her

"Are you threatening me" she asked as I shook my head

"It's not a threat. It's a warning. So just be careful with me" I told her as I walked away

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It's been almost a week since our talk with Paula and we haven't heard Ashley say anything about it

I was with Carlton sharing my fruit as Mrs. Banks was on the phone. Will came running in with a basketball as Mrs. Banks shushed him

"I cannot believe this." Mrs. Banks said as we looked concerned

"Is everything alright, mom?" Carlton asked

"Yeah, what's up?" Will asked

"Well, that was Ashley's principal.
He said Ashley hasn't been to school
for the last three days!" She told us as Will, Carlton, and I all looked at each other

"Now I don't understand this, now Ashley has been going to school every day and coming home at 3:30 like she always does! Do you kids know anything about this?" Mrs. Banks asked as we shook our heads

"Hi, mommy." Ashley said walking in

"Hi, sweetheart. How was school today?" Mrs. Banks asked

"Oh, it was great. We had to write an essay
in English. I think I aced it." Ashley said as the three of us tried to signal Ashley to stop talking

"Oh. Well, what did you write about?" Mrs. Banks asked as Ashley looked at us

"My neck?" Ashley questioned as the three of us face palmed 

"You wrote an entire essay on your neck.
Well, that is quite impressive, sweetheart
since your principal called and said
that you have not been at school today
yesterday or the day before!" Mrs. Banks said as Mr. Banks walked in

"Philip, I'm glad you're home." Mrs. Banks said

"What is not clear about this" I asked doing the motions we were just doing

"Ashley, Ashley, go for the sympathy. Cry like your life depended on it, then try to throw up." Will told her

"Fine, but if I go down, I am taking the three of you with me." She told us as her parents walked back over to her

"You have a lot of explaining to do, young lady." Mr. Banks said

"It was Paula Hoover. She was beating me up!
Will and Carlton and Zora tried to get her to leave me alone but then she started again
after Carlton's check bounced." Ashley said

"That little extortionist. She promised she wouldn't cash my check until the weekend." Carlton said

"A bully is no reason to cut school, Ashley." Mr. Banks said

"Uncle Phil, you haven't exactly seen Paula Hoover. Like, picture Mike Tyson in a training bra." Will said as I nodded

"Philip, I do not like the sound of this.
I think we should talk to the principal." Mrs. Banks said

"No. I'll be a total outcast. I'll have to eat lunch with the janitor." Ashley told them

"Honey, we've got to do something." Mrs. Banks said

"Maybe we should invite Paula's parents over and get to the bottom of this." Mr. Banks said

"Yo, word up. I got some boxing gloves, Uncle Phil. You gotta get your own headgear,
though." Will said walking away

It was dinner time as Will and I walked down the stairs

"Let's get ready to rumble!" Will yelled as the both us walked down the stairs and I was holding a round 1 card like they do in wrestling

"Oh, Paula's parents get here yet?" Will asked as I put down my card

"No, not yet." Mrs. Banks said

"Good. We got a little while for a few last-minute tips." Will told Mr. Banks

"Alright. Check it out. Act like you got this tick, right?" Will said as he began twitching

"Oh no not again" I mumbled as I watched him

"Like the army did this experiment on you that just went terribly wrong, right?" Will said twitching

"You be like, "Back up! Back up! "Mind your business, that's all. Mind your business."Will yelled

"Will, we're gonna settle things in a civilized manner. That's how adults handle things." Mr. Banks said

"Boo" I yelled

"Yeah, well, not in my neighborhood. Hey, yo, I got your back, Uncle Phil, man." Will told him

"You better get out of here before I get your butt." Mr. Banks said as I grabbed Will's hand and dragged him away

After a while Will and I walked into the kitchen and saw Paula and Ashley. Will ran up to them and put Paula in an arm hold

"Will! Will! Will! Will! Don't! Don't!
We're, we're friends now." Ashley told him

"Oh. Sure you don't want to get a couple sucker punches in there?" I asked her

Will and I ran back into the living room to tell everyone Ashley and Paula are friends now

"Hey, hey, good news, people. The girls are--" Will said

"Obviously, your wife is upset. It's common with women in mid-life. I'd be happy to prescribe something." Paula's father said

"Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree did you find it on the back of a matchbook?" Mr. Banks asked

I grabbed my Round 1 card from earlier and held it up as Will and I watched the interaction go down

"Uh, p-please, my humble brothers, please--" Will said

"Penn State, my brother." Dr. Hoover said

"Really? Good school. I was thinking of going
there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton and Talladega Tech had fallen through." Mr. Banks said

"Impressive, you must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days." Dr. Hoover said as I picked up the round 2 card

"Okay. Time out. Time out." Will yelled

"Hey, hey. Let's stick to the topic, okay?" Mr. Banks said as Dr. Hoover stood up

"Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter ought to be heavily sedated and
immediately institutionalized." Dr. Hoover said as my mouth flew open. I know he's not talking about Ashley

"Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a teen right down to the low-sloping forehead and the wide jaw suitable for grains and small rodents." Mr. Banks said as I picked up a Round 3 card

"I think you must have her confused with your mama!" Dr. Hoover said as Mr. Banks punched him

"K.O" I yelled

"And that's it, Uncle Phil! You're grounded!" Will yelled as I bent down to Dr. Hoover's level

"You know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that." I told him

Will, Carlton, Ashley, Mr. Banks, and I were all sitting in the living room as I was sharing a chair with Carlton

"Here you go, sweetheart." Mrs. Banks said giving him a bucket of ice

"Thank you." Mr. Banks told her as Hilary stomped into the living room

"I don't believe it, I have never witnessed
anything more humiliating in my life.
Jilted at the altar. Other than crow's feet,
that is the worst thing that can happen to a woman." Hilary said

"Francesca was jilted?" Mrs. Banks asked

"No, I was talking about me! All that hard work redesigning this dress and that ingrate eloped! And to think I was gracious enough to let her invite her hayseed grandmother." Hilary said as she walked away and Mrs. Banks got up and walked away too

"Dad, I hope you don't mind me saying this
but it's got to be said. What you did tonight was wrong." Carlton told him

"Word, I gotta agree with Carlton. Who said that?" Will said

"I thought you said that's how you settled disputes in your old neighborhood." Mr. Banks asked

"No, no, no, no. See..In my neighborhood
we got this sacred code. It's like, "My broski,
whatever you want to do "broham, on the left or the right we can do that all night.
"But all that old yackety-yak, jawbone
"you kicking in the middle, man, you can stop that 'cause I ain't down with that." You see what I'm saying?" Will said

"No." Mr. Banks asked

"Me, neither. Well, that's why it's so sacred." Will said

"The point is, I was wrong. I lost control.
Ashley, baby In the future I hope you'll do what I say and not what I did." Mr. Banks said as he motioned for Ashley and I to come closer to him

"Now even though it felt good hitting that jerk tonight...really, really good...I was wrong. Sometimes what feels good is wrong." Mr. Banks said as Will smiled

"Everything that feels good is wrong. Everything. Do you understand me?" He asked

"Yes. Yes, o-okay." She told him

"Zora do you understand me too" he asked me as I nodded

"Yes. Yes I understand you" I told him as he smiled and he hugged us