***Sorta Spoilers ahead. This story takes place in the Chew Universe by CocoNichole, which includes one short story and three volumes of work. Needless to say, there are elements below which are mentioned throughout the work :D***

"Go gather firewood, Fred, go get water, Fred, shine my boots, Fred," he said in a high pitched falsetto. It wasn't a very accurate portrayal of his current pain in the ass, but he couldn't really mimic a voice that gargled rocks and whiskey for breakfast.

"Stupid J.D.," Fred grumbled, kicking a softball sized rock. Sometimes he forgot his own strength, specially now in his current condition. The rock ricocheted off a nearby tree and socked him in the gut with enough force to lift him off his feet and knock him flat on his back. He stared up at the overcast sky, grateful for the small things, like the fact he'd gone off to scrounge for firewood on his own and no one was around to see this.

Honestly, he'd been gone for a while. He was surprised no one came looking for him. No, no he wasn't.

It used to be him and Li against the world. Now she had all this other shit to worry about. Not that he could blame her, but really, did they need J.D.? Fred sighed, beginning to pick himself off the ground when his hand fell through the dirt.

Fell through, like there was nothing underneath him.

"What the-Gaaaaaaaah!" He screamed as he pitched backward, falling through a thin crust of dirt into nothingness. His scream went higher, straight into eight year old girl territory as he flipped end over end, flailing blindly in the abyss.

Light appeared below him, swirling up fast, way to fast. Good thing I can't puke, he thought, a second before he fell into the light. He blinked, adjusting his vision, and immediately wished he hadn't. He was still falling, this time toward snow covered ground. The towering tops of firs and pines reached for him, growing closer by the second. He grasped for them, feeling the scrape of bark over his skin. The acceleration of his fall caused him to rip the branches down with him. He flapped his arms in an attempt to slow his descent. A particularly thick branch sent him reeling sideways with a solid smack into the tree trunk, face first, arms and legs clinging around the trunk for dear life.

He let his equilibrium settle for a moment, telling the tree what a beautiful creature it was, before peering down. Fred was four feet off the ground. Sighing, he slid down, a little wobbly on his feet as he took in his surroundings.

Where the hell was he and how the hell had he gotten here? There didn't seem to be much in the way of scenery other than a butt ton of snow, his snuggle buddy trees, and that dead guy stumbling toward him.

Fred did a double take, cocking his head at the zombie. It was making headway through the knee deep snow drifts, unmistakably forging a crooked path in his direction. Curious, Fred took a step toward it. It wasn't like he had anything to fear from a fellow zombie. Not like it could do much to him, though it was rather...fresh looking compared to most corpses he stumbled across. He expected to see this kind of slow decay in the city zombies, who clustered together like a rotting bee hive, not in a zombie out in bum fuck nowhere.

That was when it got weird.

The approaching zombie paused, tilting to the side. Fred felt something fuzz about inside his head, like a voice crackling through a bad intercom.

Play?

"Bwah?" said Fred. The zombie dropped to all fours, galloping toward him. He backed against the tree, wondering if the dead dude was going to try and gnaw on him after all when it leapt on him. It pawed at his chest, a ropy trail of drool adding to the myriad of stains on his torn up t-shirt. Holy heaven, that stink. Fred closed his mouth, the stink so thick he could taste it on the back of his throat. Not that inhaling through his nose was so great. The zombie didn't attack him, just stared him at him expectantly with black gooey looking eyes. Ugh.

Play? There it was, fizzing inside his skull. His eyes widened, incredulous. It talked to him?

"Sure buddy," he said, gingerly patting it on the head. He wiped his hand on his pants. "You can get off me now." To his surprise, the zombie obediently backed off. He grinned. This he could work with. "I think I'll call you Steve."

***

"Fetch!" He threw the thigh bone. It winged through the air, bouncing off a few rocks and trees before disappearing beneath the snow. Steve went after it, likely excited for the bits of flesh still attached. Fred glanced down at the unfortunate deer carcass at his feet. It had to be a couple weeks old and well scavenged but his new little buddy seemed happy enough to chase after pieces of it. He was frightfully glad for the company since it kept him from thinking too hard about being stranded in a snowy wilderness with no idea how to get back to Li and crew. If he didn't know better, he was starting to miss J.D., the insufferable bastard.

He was so busy reminiscing, he missed the crunch of snow behind him. The only warning he got was Steve jolting around to look beyond him. Fred dropped, rolling away as a blade swung deep into the tree he'd been leaning against. Right about where his neck would be.

He rolled up onto his haunches, catching the second blade descending toward him.

"Not the face," he shrieked, his arms straining against the pressure. It was a freaking katana, cutting deep into his palms. Oily black blood dripped down his arms. Shit.

Looking beyond the sword, he nearly fumbled. It was a woman, maybe, her face a smorgasbord of circuits and wiring. She was lean, muscled, with dark blonde hair tumbling past her shoulders in warrior pleats. Her dark eyes glowed red from within. Her appearance was arresting, for sure, but Fred would say the distinguishing feature had to be the swords protruding from her wrists where her hands should be.

"How do you brush your teeth?" He asked. She snarled at him, shoving him back. A fleeting look of surprise passed over her face when he didn't budge an inch. Fred seized the advantage and fell back, helping her over his head with a firm boot to the gut. The bionic woman grunted, landing hard in the snow before she danced to her feet with incredible grace.

"Target engaged, scanning now." She squinted at him, her red eyes grew brighter. Not waiting for the inevitable lasers, Fred took off running, making a mad dash for a thicker part of the forest. He heard the psycho bitch gasp behind him.

"Not a Wendigo, I repeat not a Wendigo, subject species unknown. Proceeding with capture."

"Like hell you are," Fred yelped over his shoulder, "What the fuck is a Winnebago?"

He breezed past the befuddled zombie. "Run Steve!"

Unfortunately, his rotting little buddy was too slow on the uptake. Fred spun around at the wet sound of flesh parting. Steve's head skidded through the snow, his still twitching body collapsing to the ground. The woman wiped her sword clean with a sneer of disgust. Fred looked at the zombie's face, its eyes still blinking. A haze of rage settled over him.

"You cum gargling gutter slut!" He yelled, grabbing the nearest handy object. The sapling tore up from the ground, frozen roots grasping the empty air as he charged her. He wasn't sure what caught her off guard more, the insult or the pine tree to the kidney. Her altered body went flying, crashing through thick branches like tissue paper. Fred followed her, leaping on her as she landed in a tangled heap of limbs and blades. Her flight through the trees must have triggered more hidden gizmos. Blades snicked from her knee caps, elbows and along her spine.

He ignored the additional armory, snagging her by her braids. "You're mine!"

"Negative," she said, her voice far too calm. A blade lanced him through the shoulder. Fred swore, a moment before a bladed foot whizzed by his face.

"You nearly took off my ear!"

She grimaced at him, using the blade embedded in his shoulder to toss him off her.

Fred landed on all fours. "Okay, on second thought, maybe tangling with Knives McGee isn't the wisest decision," he muttered to himself, crawling forward to get away. He could hear her sorting herself out behind him. Any plans she had for capturing him would not be pleasant to say the least. He stumbled to his knees, wondering how the hell he was going to get away from her when he felt a familiar fuzz in his head. Not just one, a lot of fuzzes, a regular orgy of fuzzes, somewhere up ahead through the trees.

He made for them, desperation giving him the burst of speed he needed to outpace the Borg Queen.

***

She paused when she burst through the tree line in pursuit of her quarry. The snow covered meadow brimmed with rotters, they faces all turned to the odd figure at their center. As if they were awaiting instruction. Impossible. There was only one report of such widespread control and that individual was a Wendigo. She wasn't certain what this idiot was but he couldn't-

"Well, get her!"

The rotters turned en masse, driving toward her. She readied herself, slicing and dicing her way through the horde. She would defeat this foe! Then she would cut off that crazy bastard's head. Where was he?

Hands seized her biceps. In the frenzy, he'd slipped behind her. Before she could struggle free, he pulled, tearing her arms off in a shot of sparks. The pain drove her to her knees, screaming. He wasn't done, tossing a limb to the side as he brought the other down on her, clubbing her with her own arm.

"That-*thwack*was-*thwack*my-*thwack*zombie!" His fury soaked words filled her world. As her systems shut down and her consciousness slowly faded, she could see the rotters gathered round. She closed her eyes.

***

Fred sat back, wiping the yellowish syrupy liquid off his face. Ugh, she didn't even bleed right. He dropped her arm, rising to his feet. The zombies still on their feet watched him curiously, parting for him as he walked away. A few of them reached for him. He brushed their hands away, continuing through the group until he reached the tree-line. He missed Li and crew terribly. How the hell was he supposed to get back to them? Fred stumbled over a hidden branch in the snow, pitching forward. He continued falling forward, straight through the ground. He fell with a smile. I'm so hugging that G.I. Joe reject when I see him.

***

Long after the rotters scattered into the wilderness, another figure tromped through the snow, throwing off waves of menace. Pin points of red swept the ground, coming to rest on the torn up remains of Agent Edge. He toed her shattered face plate with his boot, wondering who the hell she'd tangoed with out here. Her last communication echoed through his mind. Not a Wendigo.

The cyborg gathered up her remains, wondering if she could even be put back together with this amount of damage. There would be a lot of questions. Her visual processing center was heavily damaged, the feed likely shot, meaning her attacker and the threat it posed, could very well remain a mystery. He pursed his lips, tugging her arm free from the nearby tree it was buried in.

"Fucking Alaska."

A @CocoNichole approved Wattpad Fanfiction Fix!! Featuring Deadbeat Fred and his adventure in the Chew Chronicles Wilderness :D Want to read more of the Chew Universe? Start from the beginning: https://www.wattpad.com/story/26505122-chew-a-short-story-wattys-2015