DISCLAIMER: This story does not endorse the feeding or release of zoo animals, although if you can get away with stealing a python more power to you.

Like most of the epic myths and legends of ancient times, this story starts with someone really pissing Cancer off.

"WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?" roared Cancer

"I think it's pretty clear that we weren't," said Virgo.

"YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!!!"

"Ah, but we weren't," pointed out Sagittarius.

"ANY MORE CRAZY STUNTS LIKE THIS AND I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KICK YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!"

"Any more stunts like this and there won't be a house to kick us out of," said Aquarius.

"Oh screw all of you," grumbled Cancer. "Look, just clean up the glitter before Libra gets back, okay? I'll help you put out the fires, but for the rest you're on your own."

"That's fair," nodded Virgo. Cancer went off to get the fire extinguisher.

The front door swung open and in walked Libra. "Hey guys!" they beamed. "Guess what I— oh god, what happened to the living room?"

"Giant hurricane," said Sag. "It was horrible. You just missed it."

"I see," said Libra, giving him a hard stare. "Well we'd better take care of it before we use these tickets I got to the zoo, then."

"Yooooo we're going to a zoo?" said Leo excitedly, walking into the room. "I can bring my turtle Timothy! He loves making new friends!"

"Great," smiled Libra. "I'll pack some snacks, Leo, you text the group chat, Virgo Sag and Aqua... you guys... finish whatever you were doing."

DaLionz: GUYS WE'RE GOING TO THE ZOO

Sting: Excellent! I will be able to film wild animals in their natural habitat!

GoatBrain: It's a zoo, smart one

Cancer: Hold on, what's this about a zoo? Shouldn't we be dealing with other things first?

Taurrent: So you don't want to come?

Cancer: That is not what I said.

Areez: Lol u noobz typng ful sentesez

GoatBrain kicked Areez from the chat

Libra: Oh no we're not going to kick everyone from the chat again, are we?

Aquaman: Again? You guys have had group chats before?

VisforVirgo: Oh yea I never added you to those

Aquaman kicked VisforVirgo from the chat

Libra: So, who's coming to the zoo? I need to know how many sandwiches to make.

Fishie: I shall be there!

DaLionz: Me too!

DoubleTrouble: Dis is Areeez on Gmni's fone and we'r both comin.

Goatbrain kicked DoubleTrouble from the chat

Fishie: Come on Cappy was there Areeezson why you did that ;)

Goatbrain kicked Fishie from the chat

Aquaman: To be fair he was fishing for trouble ;)

Goatbrain kicked Aquaman from the chat

Taurrent: The great Goatbrain strikes again ;)

Sting: I really like this new trend of ending an scentences with a winky face regardless of context ;)

Swagittarius: Come on Scorp it will never catch on ;)

Sting: You really think so ;)

Swagittarius: I really do ;)

DaLionz: Guys stop I keep thinking I'm missing some kind of subtext

Sting: Now why would you think that ;)

Libra: Yeah Leo, it's pretty clear we're all being perfectly straightforward ;)

DaLionz: Omigersh this is hurting my brain

Taurrent: Lol u guyz keep kckng me but gess whoz bck lulz itz me Areze

Goatbrain kicked Taurrent from the chat

Swagittarius: Wait so how many people's phones has she stolen now?

Cancer: Omfg how dare u accus my bst frnd ArREEEZ of thivry wth is wrng wth u

Goatbrain kicked Cancer from the chat

Sting: That's like...four phones now.

Libra: 5 fonez psyk bruh ;)

Goatbrain kicked Libra from the chat

DaLionz: Wait so there's only four poeple left

Swagittarius: Eyyy I made it to the semifinals

Sting: Cappy, is it Aries's texting style you have a problem with or just Aries?

DaLionz: Y fam yf I tlk lyk dis wil u kck mi 2?

Goatbrain: omg no y wud I kck sum1 for txtng likk dis?

Sting: GUYS SHE GOT CAPPY'S PHONE

Goatbrain: wut do u meen dis is crappy cappy not rEEEZ

Swagittairus: DIE SWINE

Swagittarius kicked Goatbrain from the chat

DaLionz: Libra said they made all the snacks! Everyone get into the van! Byeeee!

DaLionz left the chat

Swagittarius: YOOO I MADE IT INTO THE FINALS ALRIGHT SCORPY YOU VS ME ON 3

Swagittarius: 3

Swagittarius: 2

Sting kicked Swagittarius from the chat

"Alright everyone, here we are at the zoo!" said Libra, parking the van. "Everyone has their trail mix, right?"

"I thought it was going to be something good like m&ms," complained Virgo.

"But I did put m&ms in there..." frowned Libra.

"Shhh," whispered Sagittarius, showing Libra his sack full of twice the normal amount of m&ms.

"Timothy and I are going to see the lions," announced Leo, with his pet turtle perched on his shoulder. "Who's with me?"

"I'm coming," said Scorpio, pulling out her camera and zooming in on Pisces. "Wow, look at the hideous ourangatang!"

"Where?" said Pisces excitedly, turning around so quickly his dark sunglasses flew off.

"This gang is going to the underwater section," said Aquarius, grabbing Pisces and Gemini and dragging them off.

"I remember the tiger section was under renovation last time," mused Aries. "It's probably finished now. They were building this big habitat indented in the ground."

"Let's go there then," suggested Sag.

"Sure, I brought my tightrope," agreed Virgo.

"Taurus help me carry this to the snakes," grunted Capricorn, hauling a big sack out of the zodiac's van.

Taurus peered inside. "What do you need all this welding equipment for?"

"It's a surprise."

"Okay!"

Cancer looked up at Libra. "Where do you want to go?"

"How about we just walk through and see where we end up?" they suggested.

"Works for me."

Scorpio glanced back. "Leo, don't look now, but I think we're being followed."

Leo cast a sideways glance over his shoulder in time to see Pisces stealth-rolling behind the ice cream stand. "Yeah, it's Pisces. Wasn't he going to the aquarium?"

Scorpio checked her map. "Well that would explain it. This zoo doesn't have an aquarium."

"So he's stalking us instead."

"Apparently."

"Hi guys!" said a voice, and they looked up to see Gemini and Aquarius walking towards them. "You guys still headed for the lions?"

"Yeah, they're right over here," pointed Leo. "No luck with the aquarium?"

"I can't believe this zoo doesn't have any orcas," grumbled Aquarius.

"We'll visit an aquarium next time," suggested Scorpio. "Do you guys know why Pisces is following us?"

Gemini frowned. "Pisces? Following you? I'm sure you must just be imagining things."

"He said he was bored," shrugged Aquarius.

Gemini elbowed him in the ribs. "He asked us to cover for him!"

"He still owes me mentos."

"Here we are!" said Leo, running up to the edge of the habitat. Like the tiger habitat, the lion habitat was a bowl in the earth with railings on the sides. Leo bent down and opened his backpack. "I made them sandwiches." He chucked a few sandiwches into the lion habitat where one of the cubs started eating it.

"Isn't that the one thing they tell you not to do?" frowned Scorpio.

Aquarius squinted into the habitat. "That lion looks familiar somehow..."

"Maybe he's the one in our geography textbook," suggested Pisces.

Scorpio jumped about six feet in the air. "Jesus Christ! Don't sneak up on us like that!"

"What are you talking about? I've been here the whole time," said Pisces. Scorpio punched him in the arm.

"Guys let's not fight," said Aquarius. "How about we comprimse that Pisces was here half the time?"

"Sounds reasonable," nodded Leo.

"No it doesn't— wait, is that Gemini in the lion habitat?"

It was. Gemini was crouched in the branches of one of the trees in the habitat, observing the lions through her pair of signature binoculars.

"Okay, well I respect that," shrugged Aquarius.

"How did she even get there...?" wondered Leo.

"I still can't believe the security guards didn't do anything?" said Aries, sipping out of her slurpee.

"There's no rule against tightrope walking over the tiger habitat," shrugged Virgo.

Sagittarius was frowning. "You shouldn't have done that."

Virgo rolled her eyes. "Sag."

"I'm being serious," he argued. "If you couldn't get ahold of the unicycle there was no point in doing it halfway."

"You're such a perfectist."

"You mean perfectionist."

"Whatever."

"Hmph," grunted Sag, crossing his arms.

"Don't mind him Virgo," grinned Aries. "He's just mad he couldn't get a tiger's autograph."

"I mean how much trouble would it have been?" burst out Sag. "I brought my own pen and everything! I don't get how they're so famous if they're willing to completely ignore their fans like that."

"Don't worry Sag, I was able to get ahold of the next best thing," assured Aries, sliding over a peice of paper.

"This is your name."

"This is my autograph."

Sag slid it into his pocket. "I will treasure this forever."

Libra pointed. "That koala is giving me funny looks."

"Be serious," laughed Cancer.

"I am being serious," said Libra. The koala stuck its tongue out.

"You may have a point," squinted Cancer.

"Alright, let's go to the reptiles now," said Libra, pulling out their map, but still keeping an eye on the koala. "The reptile cave is right up this way."

They walked up the steps and into the reptile cave, where Taurus was loitering around the entrance. "Hi guys!"

"What are you doing here?" blinked Cancer. "Didn't you come here earlier? Have you been here all day?"

"Oh yeah," nodded Taurus. "I'm supposed to distract you guys from finding Capricorn."

"Alright, that's it," grumbled Cancer, marching into the reptile cave.

"I wouldn't go in there," interrupted Taurus.

"Why not?" asked Libra, raising an eyebrow.

"I dunno, that's what Cappy told me to say if you started going in," shrugged Taurus. "Can I come?"

"Yeah, sure," shrugged Libra.

They had barely taken two steps into the reptile cave when screaming started to emerge from within. Cancer and Libra exchanged a glance as a mob of people ran out of the reptile cave, past them, and outside.

"This is one of those days, isn't it," sighed Cancer.

Immediately following the crowd, around twenty snakes of various sizes and shapes slithered out of the reptile cave, past Taurus Cancer and Libra, and out. They just stood there for a moment as sirens began blasting in the distance and a number of security guards ran out of the reptile house after the snakes.

Then, Capricorn walked out casually with her duffel bag tucked under her arm, stuffing some of her welding equipment back into her backpack. "Oh, hi guys," said Capricorn, nodding at Cancer and Libra. "What's up?"

"What the fuck Capricorn," said Cancer.

"Someone accidentally welded open the glass of the snake section and let all the snakes out," explained Capricorn. "Horrible, right?"

"Maybe they were trying to stage a harry potter reenactment," mused Taurus.

Cancer raised an eyebrow. "Accidentally?"

"Letting ALL the snakes out was an accident," said Capricorn, opening her duffel bag to reveal a python curled inside. "All I needed was a python for—"

"I don't want to know," cut off Cancer, turning away immediately.

Suddenly, the loudspeakers blared out "All guests please make your way to the nearest zoo exits at once in an orderly fasion, we are closing for the day. Also, I would like to remind visitors that encouraging the chimpanzees to eat hot tamales is strictly discouraged. Thank you, and have an excellent day."

"Okay, we're leaving," said Cancer, marching everyone back to the van.

"Well, I have learned my lesson about inviting you guys to public places," said Libra driving the van back towards the house.

"Aw come on, we had fun," grinned Leo, watching Scorpio's footage of Gemini teaching the lion cubs basic math.

"Wait, you're saying we can't go back to the zoo?" said Virgo alarmed. "But I just got the phone number of a guy willing to ebay me a really sweet unicycle—"

"That's a no," interrupted Cancer. "No, we are not going back."

"You're no fun," pouted Sagittarius. "Only Capricorn broke any rules. And I guess Taurus was complicit. And Virgo broke a few rules, and Aries and I helped. And Gemini broke some rules and I think Aries convinced the chimpanzees to riot and cast off their human oppressors. But we didn't break that many rules."

"And Timothy made a new friend," smiled Leo, as Timothy was rubbing his head against the python in Capricorn's bag, who didn't seem to mind.

In the end, everyone got home safely (surprise!).  Cancer officially denounced ever supporting another trip to the zoo, but he did make a point to ignore it if his van went missing for a day and then was mysteriously returned with long scratch marks on the side.

Chapter two done (oof took a while).  Any suggestions for future chapters?