may 22 2022,
(TW: suicidal ideation and implied self harm)

i've always known that i've been different
ever since that kid punched me by the tree
he said, "you shouldn't like star wars if you're a real girl"
ever since i've been questioning femininity
and most of the people i've trusted
leave me on my knees
so consequently i get distant
when i fear that theyre thinking something i cant see
with life right now, it's kinda worse than usual
my parents haven't spoken in two weeks
and this guy got a group of kids from my school
to make fake emails just to harrass me
my mom's been insane, she's throwing mugs
at my dad's head but they still call it "love"
i call it foolishness that needs intervention
but they say its not worth my attention

'cause all i ever am is paranoid
that one day there'll be no more joy
but when has there ever been any for me?
and my self esteem has been declining
ever since that monday night and
i just spend my free time lurking
i see what they say even when i'm not around
and i see they want to burn my life to the ground
but they don't know i've tried it now four times around
so i won't be mad if they try to break me
even though i care if they hate me
this time i dont think anyone can save me

lately i've been "cutting up" and disrespectful
idk maybe my life has been a handful
broke traditions and she never knows the plans
lately you're the reason i'm covering up my hands
i havent been taking care of myself
i tried a bit last winter but i couldn't
guess that's taking a toll on my mental health
but i keep doing the things that i shouldn't

and this winter was the worst
season i've ever known
i can't make this house a home
and it's still winter
in my home
i'm all alone

-hahaha funny depression