november 18, 2022 (TW: abuse)

i don't remember it happening

just remember the aftermath

i remember the aching i felt walking to my bed

the look on my sisters faces going to their room

the yells i heard from downstairs

couldn't fall asleep for hours

i knew it had gone too far

it was smaller before

but something this time was different

i don't know what it was

since then things have gotten weirder

haven't looked her in the eyes in over a year

flashbacks of things i don't remember in my dreams

my nightmares are littered with pictures of her face

i want to love her

it'd be outrageous if i didn't

but i don't know how anymore

how can you love someone

who did something so bad to you

that you can't even remember

i wrestle with her when im sleeping

i wrestle with her when im awake

i wrestle with her every time i hear her name

whenever someone mentions theirs

i think

"why can't i have that?"

"has God forgotten about me?"

has He forgotten about his lonely child?

i'm sitting here gasping for air

while He's up in heaven

eating His popcorn

why has He forgotten about me?

are my desperate prayers from down here

reaching closed ears?

are my pleas not enough?

-extremely personal