thump. thump. thump. thump.

the ever-growing sound of her heart beating miles per minute was the only thing that assured her that she wasn't just imagining things.

luke's soft breathing could be heard through the speaker of her phone and still, she was trying to force words out of her mouth.

"i get it if you're angry and that's why you're not saying anything right now," the beautiful, deep sound of his voice made her drop to the ground, hand slapped over her mouth. "so just let me do the talking, alright?"

forgetting he couldn't see her, she nodded softly, waiting for luke's incoming words with tears pooling in her widened eyes.

"four months ago, the girl i love was taken away from me," he began gently. "and it hurt. god, did it hurt. i stood on the ledge again, did you know that? the second real time i'd ever considered jumping off was the day you left. but i didn't, you know why?"

"why?" she croaked, finally letting him know she was there listening to him.

"because i didn't want to waste everything you did for me," his voice cracked as his strength did. "stepping off that ledge, i realized that i was being forced to stop relying on you to keep myself alive. that i'd have to start living for me. it's hard to do, noelle. it really is."

"i know you can do it," she reassured him through her quiet sobs. "it's all i've ever wanted from you. to see that your life is one worth living, and not just for me. not for anyone. only yourself."

"i'm so sorry for shutting you out. i was kinda thinking that it'd help us to move on, just to avoid the pain. clearly, i was wrong because, well, i do love you, you know."

she could hear rustling and she could picture him sitting in a park or in the cemetery somewhere, leaves crackling under his feet.

ignoring the thought, she chuckled, barely any humor present in the inaudible sound. "still? even after all this time? after the months of not talking?"

"never stopped. not for a moment," luke sound so goddamn sincere and it made her stomach flutter. 

then came the cold realization, seeping into her warmth like a snake trying to devour its prey. she wouldn't see him again. her parents wouldn't allow it. she didn't have the money or the means to get to him. he deserved better than that. so much better.

"you have to get over me," she said - too coldly - and she could practically see luke flinch. "i'm not good for you."

"what are you-"

"no, listen. okay? you won't be able to be with me again. we're too far apart and there's no way we can make this work. i think that maybe-"

"don't finish that sentence, noelle. don't you dare."

"open your eyes, luke!" she yelled, not caring if her parents heard her through her thin door. "we are 12,865 miles apart. 12,865 miles that we can't cross. we'd be idiots to believe that we could live like this."

he was silent, scarily so, and when he finally did talk, it sounded almost like it wasn't his voice.

"what are you trying to say?"

"you know what i'm trying to say, you just don't want to admit it."

"tell me to move on all you like, but we both know i won't be able to."

"neither will i," noelle agreed sadly. "still, we have to try. this isn't healthy, luke."

he groaned, "what isn't? feeling this way? then fucking put me in a hospital! because i am so deeply in love with you, i must be extremely ill."

"no, what isn't healthy is wasting four months of my life wondering if you were even alive," she retaliated. "is that how this relationship's going to be? because, if we keep this up, i think that's right."

"what can i say to make you change your mind?" he pleaded, making this all the more difficult for her to do.

"i love you, lucas. always and forever."

"noelle, please-"

"but you need someone who can be there for you. i'm not that person. just, move on. for me."

hanging up was probably the stupidest thing she'd ever done in her life. scratch that, leaving was the stupidest thing she'd ever done in her life. or maybe her whole life was just that: one stupid act piling on top of the other.

noelle felt almost heartless when she couldn't even squeeze a single tear out of her eye. she assumed that she probably ran out of those.

suddenly her mind rewinded back to the night luke left and then she actually did feel heartless because she'd done exactly what he had. 

in fact, she didn't even have to imagine the pain he was feeling; she'd felt it before. to put it bluntly, she felt like shit. like someone had run her over with an rv and backed up to run her over again - just to be sure.

and when her mind roared at her that it was all her fault, that she was the one to ruin her own life, who was she to disagree?

+

wow i am such a bitch i need to give these two a break

but then again, there wouldn't be a storyline without drama, am i right ladies??? jk i'm a terrible person i'm sorry.

sOOOooO yeah they're kind split up atm and it'll be a second before lukelle actually gets back together. but don't worry!! there is always hope. mama marti has a plan in store. 

sighing bc i feel like i deserve any hatred ya'll harbor towards me. i'm very sry.

QUESTION OF THE DAY: if you had 5 minutes left to live, what would you do?

i'M SO MORBID IM SORRY ITS 2 AM AND IM DELUSIONAL. but i would call up everyone in my family and people i haven't talked to in a long time and all my friends and tell them that they mean so much to me. that even if we haven't talked in a while, i still appreciate their presence in my life because they've shaped me to be the person i am. aw q.

ALSO, FOR YOU MAZE RUNNER FANS OUT THERE: i have an account for any tmr fics i write!!! it's @mvzes- and ya i have the first chapter up for my new fic, but it's in editing rn bc i'm so picky kms