<pre>???

Agahnim

Agitha

Alfonzo

Anjean

Anju and Kafei

Ankle

Anouki

Aroo

Astrid

Bagu

Barnes

Beaver Brothers

Beedle

Belari

Bellum

Biggoron and Medigoron

Bipin and Blossom

Blade Brothers

Blaino

Blind the Thief

Bridge Worker

Brocco and Pina

Bombers Gang

Bug-Catching Kid

Byrne

Cannon

Captain Keeta

Carlov and Borlov

Carpenters

Chancellor Cole

Charlo

Chef Bear

Chris Houlihan

Christine

Chudley

Ciela

Composer Brothers

Coro

Crazy Tracy

Cubus Sisters

Cucco Lady

Daltus

Dampe

Dark Link

Darmani

Darunia

David Jr.

Dekadin

Deku Royal Family

Demon Train

Din, Nayru and Farore

Doc Bandam

Don Gero

Donkuru

Epona

Error

Ezlo

Facade

Fado

Fanadi

Ferrus

Flute Boy

Freedle

Fuzo

Fyer and Falbi

Gabora and Zubora

Ganon

General Onox

Gestari

Golden Chief Cylos

Gongoron

Good Bee

Goron Elder

Gossack

Great Deku Tree

Great Fairy

Grog

Gustaf, Royal Spirit

Guru-Guru

Hanch

Happy Mask Salesman

Helmaroc King

Hena

Hero’s Spirit

Honcho

Honey and Darling

Hot Rodder Goron

Igos du Ikana

Ilia

Impa

Indigo-Gos

Ingo

Iza

Jabu-Jabu

Jalhalla, Protector of the Seal

Joanne

Jolene

Jovani

Kagoron

Kaepora Gaebora

Kamaro

Kamo

Keaton

Kiki

Kili, Hanna, and Misha

Killer Bees

King Bulblin

King Moblin

King Mutoh and his Knights

King of Red Lions

King Zora

Know-it-All Brothers

Knuckle

Komali

Koume and Kotake

Laruto

Lenzo

Librari

Light Spirits

Linda

Linebeck

Linebeck III

Link

Link’s relatives

Link-goro

Lokomos

Madame Aroma

Madame MeowMeow

Mad Batter

Malladus

Majora’s Mask

Makar

Maku Trees

Malladus

Malon and Talon

Mama

Mamamu Yan

Manbo

Man of Smiles

Maple and Syrup

Master Eddo

Master Stalfos

Mayor Bo

Mayor Dotour

Mayor Hagen

Mayor Plen

Mayor Ruul

Medli

Melari

Merman

Midna

Mido

Mikau

Mila and Maggie

Minister Potho

Miss Marie

Mr. Write

Nabooru

Navi

Nightmares

Nyave and Nyeve

Obli and Willi

Ocean King (Oshus)

Old Man and Old Woman

Old Man Ho Ho

Old Man Ulrira and Grandma Ulrira

Old Wayfarer

Oocoo

Ordon Village Kids

Pamela

Papahl

Patch

Pergie and Jaggle

Phantom Guide

Photographer

Pierre and Bonooru

Pinkuru

Postman

Professor Shikashi

Purdy

Purlo

Queen Ambi

Quill

Rabbit Rescuer

Rafton

Ralis

Ralph

Rauru

Rem

Renado

Richard

Ricky, Moosh and Dimitri

River Devil

Romanos

Rosa

Rosa Sisters

Rupiiji

Russel

Rusl

Ruto

Sahasrahla

Sale

Salvage Corp.

Salvatore

Saria

Schule Donavitch

Sera

Shiro

Simon

Skull Kid and Friends

Soal

Sokra

Sorceress Veran

Spirits of Good

Spirits of Power, Wisdom, and Courage

Stockwell

Sturgeon and Orca

Sue-Belle

Teacher

Telma

Tetra’s Crew

Tingle

Tott

Trill

Uli

Vaati

Valoo

Vasu

Viscen

Wheaton and Pita

Wind Fish

Yeto and Yeta

Zant

Zauz

Zelda

Zill

Zephos and Cyclos

Zora

Zunari

=============================================================================

? ? ?

The Hand that Rocks the Toilet

Race: ???

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

Wow, what a way to start off the guide. And with an exceedingly obscure

reference no less; if you’re reading this guide from top to bottom, get used

to it. So what we have here is...a hand, that appears out of the Stock Pot

Inn’s toilet. But only at night. And whatever it’s attached to is never

revealed, although personally I like to think it’s just a hand and no more.

Or maybe there’s a Dead Hand skulking down there, man, I don’t know.

In both of its appearances, ??? requires some kind of paper from you. Yeah.

This can be anything, from any any type of Title Deed to a note for Kafei

from his mother. In the case of Oracle of Ages, Link offers up some Postman-

brand Stationery. Here, though, ??? lives in a hole in a house in Lynna City,

so it may not be a toilet. On the other hand (so to speak), he gives Link the

Stink Bag in return. That was a little less welcome of a reward than the

Heart Piece he’d previously rolled out. Oh and by the way, ??? is actually

listed as such in the Bombers Notebook. I mean, I find it kind of interesting

that he even HAS an entry in the Bombers Notebook.

Come to think of it, this is probably one of the more mysterious characters

in the Zelda universe. Wonderful.

=============================================================================

A g a h n i m

Sorcerer-puppet

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

Shortly before the beginning of A Link to the Past, perhaps a year, an

endless chain of catastrophic natural disasters befell Hyrule. Typhoons,

earthquakes and floods wracked the land, causing massive collateral damage

and killing many people. Their origin could not be discerned, and they were

so large even the best magicians failed to end the threat. The King of Hyrule

could only watch in despair as his kingdom was slowly worn down.

Just when it seemed Hyrule was ready to give out, a wizard from a faraway

land appeared and, with some effort, put a stop to everything that was

happening. He was greeted as a hero and the King gratefully took him on as

advisor. With his suggestions taken into account, Hyrule prospered once

again.

But in reality, well...Ganon is many things, but an idiot is not one of them.

After his first duel with Link, he was imprisoned in the Golden Land, where

he stayed for hundreds of years. All this time, he plotted a means of escape,

transforming it into the sinister Dark World over time. Agahnim actually was

a kind wizard to begin with, so how he got to be under Ganon’s dominion is

unclear. At any rate, Ganon possesses the poor old man to use as his puppet,

then begins to exert his growing magical power on the Light World. When the

people of Hyrule are at their most desperate, he sends a false saviour to

them. Through Agahnim, Ganon is able to manipulate the Light World to his

ends. Agahnim begins sacrificing maidens late at night in Hyrule Castle’s

tallest tower, in the hopes of breaking the barrier between the worlds.

After Link collects the Pendants of Power, Courage, and Wisdom, he is able to

draw the Master Sword from its pedestal in the Lost Woods. When he re-

emerges, Agahnim has kidnapped Zelda from the Sanctuary, a place she thought

was safe and unknown to him. Link ascends Hyrule Castle and duels with

Agahnim. In this fight, Agahnim’s main attack is to throw coloured balls of

magical energy at Link, but they can easily be deflect with the Master Sword.

The idea is to smack it back into Agahnim’s body, damaging him with his own

magic. He also has a very powerful attack where he shoots lightning out of

his hands, but it’s so predictable and easy to avoid (just head for one of

the room’s corners) that it isn’t much of a threat.

After he’s beaten, he falls down dead, but Ganon uses the last of his

presence in the Light World to warp Link to the Dark World, where things are

looking bleak, both literally and figuratively. Agahnim reappears later in

the game, as the boss of the final dungeon, Ganon’s Tower. Here, he gains the

ability to briefly become invisible, and some of his magical orb attacks

can’t be deflected. He can also create two shadow clones of himself, which

can distract Link with potentially fatal consequences if he doesn’t know

which ones are which, but their attacks pass right through him. Other than

that, his attack pattern is the same.

At the end of Link’s Awakening, the final boss is a collection of foes from

previous games, and Agahnim is one of them. As with A Link to the Past, to

defeat him you have to deflect his only attack back at him. This form is

pathetically easy. Some people say that it’s easier to deflect his attacks

with the Shovel rather than the Sword, which is not true.

Agahnim also made one final appearance in Oracle of Seasons as the mini-boss

of Level 3, Poison Moth’s Lair. This one works a little differently. The room

starts off dark, with Agahnim and two clones. There are two torches in the

middle of the room, around which the three hover. Link must light the torches

with Ember Seeds from his Seed Satchel, then quickly examine all three

assailants before the light goes out again. The one who casts a shadow is the

real Agahnim, and the only one who can be hurt, by being repeatedly bashed

with a sword. All three can damage Link, however, and it can be tricky to get

a hit in while trying to avoid attacks. It’s never explained how what was

once a powerful figure became relegated to a forgettable mini-boss, but I’d

guess this incarnation was an invention of Ganon.

=============================================================================

A g i t h a

Probably doesn’t deserve to be third on the list

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Agitha is a very strange girl who loves bugs. Specifically, she’s looking for

24 golden members of the phylum arthropoda, which she asks Link to seek out

so that she can hold Agitha’s Ball at her house, called Agitha’s Castle. She

makes funny little noises, and the way she talks (in third person, for one

thing) and the way she acts have caused some to question her sanity. She even

sends Link a letter telling him about a fairly...interesting dream she has.

Also, she has a peeping tom.

=============================================================================

A l f o n z o

Comfortingly familiar

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Although he bears an uncanny resemblance to Gonzo in both name and body,

possibly an indication of direct lineage, you’ll quickly realise that Alfonzo

is a totally new character with a personal history of his own. Long before

the game opens, he was a legendary swordsman in the ranks of the Royal Guard,

sworn to protect his liege and homeland with all the might within him. He was

generally regarded as the single strongest warrior in the country’s short

history, with the possible exception of Link. However, for one reason or

another he eventually left the order to pursue a career as a train conductor

(mid-life crisis?), which is why we find him a Royal Engineer and our own

mentor as we begin the game.

After reminding Link of the basics of train operation, Alfonzo lauds his

natural talent for the task but waits by the vehicle while Link heads for the

castle to receive his engineering certificate from Princess Zelda. When, to

his surprise, Link actually brings the girl back with him when he returns, he

hears her out and immediately decides to help her reach the Tower of Spirits,

like the hero he really is. When the trio finds themselves ambushed at the

hands of Chancellor Cole and his lackey, Byrne, only minutes later, Alfonzo

steps in to fend them off but is roundly defeated. He spends the next segment

of the game in bed at the Castle, recovering from his injuries, but is well

enough to travel by the time Link vanquishes the Forest Temple, and asks the

young ‘un to deliver him back to Aboda Village, their mutual hometown. Once

here, he assembles a cannon for the Spirit Train and links it up, finally

allowing Link to fight back when assaulted by the monsters and Bokoblins who

harry him at every frickin’ turn in this game. This act signals Alfonzo’s

departure from anything of very much importance, but from here on in he

provides the service of switching out your train cars for you as so please,

in order to attain maximum coolness and Heart Bonus and whatnot, free of

charge even.

=============================================================================

A n j e a n

Lokomo leader

Race: Lokomo

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

At 100 years old, Anjean was present when Tetra, Link and whoever else

finally made landfall as their years-long sojourn finally came to an end. By

her own testimony, she knew the erstwhile Princess of Hyrule rather well, and

entrusted her with the Spirit Flute that she would later pass down to the

Zelda of Spirit Tracks. As a member of the tribe sworn to protect humanity on

behalf of the spirits, Anjean was also likely a participant in the first

battle to chain the evil demon king Malladus.

Some people like to point out that Anjean and Tetra have a similar hairstyle,

as if that means something. Her name is a pun on the word ‘engine,’ the train

part.

The Link of Zelda of the Spirit Tracks era encounter her early on at the

Tower of Spirits, and she immediately becomes the quest-dealer, dishing out

both storyline and objectives. Eventually, she starts to ride around with

them on the Spirit Train, and is present for the final battle. She and Byrne

seem to have some history; it seems to be she who saves his life after his

apparent death at the hands of Malladus.

=============================================================================

A n j u a n d K a f e i

Star-cross’d lovers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

The Skull Kid, under the influence of Majora’s Mask, commits all manner of

deeds which he apparently views as mere mischief, but which are really quite

taxing on their recipients. As the game begins, Anju and Kafei are set to be

married in three days. However, the Skull Kid has transformed Kafei into a

child!

Kafei can’t bear to show his face in this state, so he spends most of his

time hanging around the back room of the Curiosity Shop. He goes to great

lengths to ensure nobody finds out who he is. He arranges for the postman to

give a special signal when he delivers any mail to Kafei, and when the man-

boy does venture out, he wears a Keaton’s Mask and refuses to talk to anyone.

Through the longest and most complicated side-quest in the game, you can

reunite them:

FIRST DAY

-The mayor, the Captain of the Guard and the chief carpenter are arguing in

the mayor’s office. Talk to the mayor’s wife, Madame Aroma. She’ll give you

Kafei’s Mask, which allows you to interrogate people as to whether or not

they’ve seen her son.

-Listen to Anju’s and the postman’s conversation at the Stock Pot Inn – Anju

is the innkeeper. The postman knows where Kafei is, but won’t tell. He would

never sell out a friend, I guess.

-Talk to Anju. She’ll screw up and give away somebody else’s room to you.

Talk to her again to arrange a midnight meeting.

-At midnight, meet Anju in the Stock Pot Inn’s kitchen. She’ll ask you to

deliver a letter, even though she could have just done it herself with much

less effort. Put it in any mailbox.

SECOND DAY

-Witness the postman delivering the letter. Talk to Kafei in the Curiosity

Shop’s back room. He’ll give you the Pendant of Memories.

-Return a little later. The owner will be there now. He has the Keaton’s Mask

and the Express Mail to Mama. Deliver the latter to Madame Aroma to receive

an empty Bottle. Alternately, give it the postman to get the Postman’s Hat

later on.

-Sakon, a local malcontent, stole Kafei’s Sun’s Mask, which is basically an

engagement ring. (Sakon steals other junk too.) Break into his hideout in

Ikana Canyon, accidentally activate the security system, and work through it,

finally recovering the mask.

This marks the first time in Zelda history that players were able to control

someone other than Link. The focus shifted between Link fighting Deku Babas

on one half of the security system and Kafei solving block puzzles on the

other.

With this complete, Link went to see them in the Employees Only room of the

Stock Pot Inn. Kafei finally showed up, but not until the last hour before

the moon hit home. Kafei still looks like a child O_o but they marry each

other in a private and hasty ceremony in which they exchange the Sun’s and

Moon’s Masks, respectively. This forms the Couple’s Mask, which they give to

Link in thanks.

This is truly one of the most emotional scenes in the series, I think. They

hold each other, crying, and say they will greet the coming morning,

together. This is kind of sad, because they know that the instant dawn

arrives, the moon will make planetfall and they’ll both die.

It’s even sadder if you make a mistake and are unable to recover the Sun’s

Mask; if you screw up, you don’t have another shot until you reset the three

day timer and do everything over. If this happens, Anju will still go to the

Employees Only room to wait for Kafei, but he doesn’t show up, no matter how

long you wait. Anju dies alone in extreme grief. Depressing, isn’t it?

But wait! For every side-quest you complete that yields a Happy Mask as its

reward, you get to watch an additional segment of the ending cutscene when

you beat the game. If you do manage to complete this complicated quest,

you’ll see that Anju and Kafei later had a much more elaborate marriage

ceremony just outside the South Entrance, with many attendees and a white

dress and excessive confetti. Ah, it brings a smile to one’s face, unless one

resents happy people. Or has no mouth.

Anju’s poly is reused from Ocarina of Time. In that game, she was called the

Cucco Lady. She lived in Kakariko Village and raised Cuccos (if you aren’t

aware, those are Zeldafied chickens) even though she was allergic to them.

She later bred a special Cucco she wasn’t allergic to, and which played a

part in the Trading Game to get Biggoron’s Sword.

=============================================================================

A n k l e

Footwrist

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

One of Tingle’s younger brothers, Ankle appeared in two of the three Zelda

games whose subtitles begin with ‘The.’ Along with Knuckle and David Jr,

Ankle slaved away at spinning Tingle Tower, that it might smile on all

corners of the world. Ankle is much more temperate than his fellows, neither

wondering about his work nor going insane because of it. Like the others,

Ankle wears a Tingle suit, this one pink.

In The Minish Cap, he sits atop a plateau and offers to fuse Kinstone pieces.

Doing so enough times with all four members of the party (what, were we

foreshadowing Tingle RPG or something?) will unbar caves, cause Golden

Monsters to appear and do other unnecessary but worthwhile things.

=============================================================================

A n o u k i

Accurate portrayal of Inuit culture

Race: Anouki

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Spirit Tracks

The various Anouki of Phantom Hourglass and Spirit Tracks present a unique

problem in that my rule of trying to include all named characters would

stipulate that I put them in here somewhere, but almost none of them do

anything worthwhile. So whatever, here are all the Anouki who have names but

not their own entries, all in one easy-to-digest directory.

The Anouki of PH inhabit the Isle of Frost, but one of the residents of

Anouki Estates is actually a Yook in disguise. How he managed that feat I

don’t know, because Yooks are about twice the size of Anouki. Anyway, Aroo

turns out to be the culprit; Link resuces the real Aroo later. For the

record, these are they:

Aroo

Bulu

Gumo

Kumu

Mazo

There is also another named Anouki, Noabode, who is homeless (get it?

Homeless? No abode?) and just stands at the edge of a cliff, which is

apparently a sign of enjoyment rather than a call for swift intervention.

The Anouki of ST are apparently descendants of the originals, making their

home in a second Anouki Village, this one located in the southwest corner of

the Snow Realm. The problem this time is that their leader, Honcho, wishes to

organize them into patrol pairs, but they’re all stupidly choosy about who

they will or won’t work with. It is therefore Link’s task to figure this

stuff out for them, based on their preferences regarding antler size,

presence of facial hair, colour of parka, etc. He could make a killing as a

matchmaker.

Dobo

Fofo

Kofu

Yefu

Yeko

There’s also a little guy called Noko who manufactures and sells Mega Ice, a

type of freight. When first encountered, he’s in a bind as an Ice Chuchu fell

into the pool he uses for making Mega Ice, but Link takes him to Wellspring

Station and fixes that right up. Noko is extremely protective of his ice-

making techniques, and won’t allow Link to witness them.

=============================================================================

A n t o n

Exercise freak

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

In his capacity as Windfall Island’s beret-wearing heartthrob and most

inquisitve explorer, Anton helps Link out in a couple of ways when he pulls

through. The first is to accidentally impart some critical knowledge that

allows Link to perform a crime. This is owing to his strong desire for

kickboxing cross-training, which leads him to power-walk up, down and across

the vast majority of the island at all hours of the daylight, resultantly

giving him intimate knowledge of all the island’s details, including secret

routes. The other is his direct participation in Link’s receiving a Heart

Piece, which he does when Link sets him up with Linda. He’s almost like one

of Windfall’s mascots.

=============================================================================

A r o o

Kidnapped

Race: Anouki

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

A docile member of Anouki Village on the Isle of Frost, Aroo is kidnapped by

an anomymous Yook who attempts to infiltrate Anouki society by setting up

shop within the belly of the beast, taking his place in day-to-day affairs.

However, despite taking the utmost of care in his clandestine pursuits, the

impostor just can’t sneak anything past the village Chief. Upon meeting Link,

the Chief commissions Link to head to Anouki Estates and determine which of

its occupants is the Yook in disguise by talking to each one of them in turn

and playing a simple logic game in which he combines their statements with

the knowledge that all Yook are compulsive liars. When he finds the

contradiction, Link pins Aroo as the fake. Cornered, the Yook jettisons Link

from the hovel with frigid breath and makes good his escape back to the

eastern, Yook-controlled side of the island. In exchange for the promise of

an eventual Pure Metal, Link gives chase, storms the Temple of Ice, defeats

its master Gleeok, and ends up rescuing Aroo in the process, returning him to

his rightful home.

=============================================================================

A s t r i d

Ostrich

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a real genius on our hands here. Astrid

is the fortune-teller residing on the Isle of Ember, but she’s kind of

useless. First of all, when you meet her she’s hiding from monsters, and has

locked herself away in a room she doesn’t know how to unlock, even though

it’s in her own house. To open the door, you have to track down the remains

of her dead assistant Kayo and talk to his ghost, since he’s the only one who

knows the secret. Eventually Link frees her from her storage room, after

which she helps him enter the Temple of Fire.

She displays further uselessness after he blazes through it, however, stating

that she’s really not too sure what’s going on exactly. Come on, lady, you

should really be up on this sort of thing. Of course she can predict the

future and let Link know where he needs to head off to next, but Linebeck’s

planning skills serve that same purpose, as do the powers of every other

fortune teller in any Legend of Zelda game ever. That’s all she’s good for,

too – I mean the Twilight Princess seer could show Link the exact location of

Pieces of Heart. I’m not impressed. -.-

Later on, she reveals herself to be a distant descendant of the bygone Cobble

Kingdom, which may be where she came into her farsight.

=============================================================================

A v e i l

Linear Motor Girl

Race: Gerudo

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Aveil makes her appearance for the span of one line of dialogue in Majora’s

Mask in which we learn she’s the commander and ‘elder sister’ figure of the

Gerudo living at Pirates’ Fortress. But although this may be her crowning

achievement, we can infer a few things from it. First of all, she was

probably responsible for the theft of Lulu’s eggs, meaning she’s either or

vindictive or both. Because honestly, the pirates have no use for them, they

aren’t even sure what they are. Wisdom aside, we also know that she must be a

charismatic and inspiring leader if she’s managed to rally that taciturn

group of reclusive warrior-women under her banner. Her station furthermore

suggests a few things about her skills: The girl with whom she shares a poly,

the captain of Ocarina of Time’s Gerudo Fortress, was known to be expert in

the furious art of the Gerudo scimitar, so it stands to reason that Aveil’s

mastery would be on a similar level. This may not necessarily be the case,

however, since the two are obviously not direct analogues; apart from the

basic differences of thieves versus pirates, Aveil is clearly more

knowledgeable in the employment of mechanical technology - in fact, maybe

moreso than anybody else in the entire Zelda universe - as evidenced by the

complex workings of her outfit’s stronghold. I mean, just look at the outer

garrison. The sentries are piloting MOTORBOATS. Where else in Zelda do we see

anything even approaching that level of technology? There’s Aveil’s actual

crowning achievement right there. I’ll bet she’s an impressive pilot, too.

=============================================================================

B a g u

Blip on the radar

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

A guy who lived in a secluded house in the woods, Bagu gave Link a note

allowing him access to the bridge leading to the Water Town of Mido.

=============================================================================

B a r n e s

& Noble

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Barnes the bomb man is a manufacturer of all fine products that explode after

being partially lit on fire. Unlike most purveyors of such merchandise,

Barnes has developed a couple of unique products not found anywhere else in

the series. The first is the Water Bomb, which can be operated even

underwater, a utilitarian and often critical feature (they can, of course,

also be used elsewhere if the bearer’s equipment is running short.) The

second is the Bombling, which is just plain awesome. Much like the Bombchu,

once deployed the Bombling rushes forward on its own propulsion, though in

this case it teeters around on spindly legs rather than rocket off on a slick

of mystery. Also unlike Bombchu, which move in a straight line, Bomblings

home in on the nearest threatening body. These brilliant inventions have led

to great success for Barnes’ Bombs, a shop greatly resembling a garage

(Barnes even wears a welder’s mask while he works) located off lower Fifth

Avenue in Manhattan. Or maybe partway up the cliffs that form the Kakariko

Village gorge, you decide.

When Zant brought Twilight down on Eldin Province, Barnes was one of the

handful of survivors who managed to take shelter in Renado’s dugout. Of those

few, Barnes is clearly one of the calmer and more level-headed, racking his

brains for solutions rather than freaking out when beasts come knocking at

their makeshift barrier. He does, however, reasonably stay within its

boundaries since he’d be destroyed instantaneously if he tried to put up any

kind of fight, but if we purposely go to lengths to look at it from a glass-

half-full perspective, it means that Link doesn’t have to waste any energy

protecting him. After Kakariko’s liberation, Barnes gets to work on a few new

projects, namely the aforementioned Water Bombs and Bomblings, the former of

which allow Link to access Lakebed Temple and the Goron stuck in the meteor

at Zora’s Domain.

=============================================================================

B e a v e r B r o t h e r s

Nickel Phelps

Race: Beavers

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Back when Mikau was still alive and the Terminan waters were still vibrant

and inviting, the Beaver Brothers loved nothing better than to taunt him

ceaselessly about his inability to beat them at the little game they had set

up in a tiny out-of-the-way inlet off the beach at Zora Cape. Fortunately, he

was able to get his revenge post-mortem when Link assumed his form and

finally wiped the smug smiles off their stupid faces. Fooled by Link’s

disguise, the brothers immediately challenge ‘Mikau’ to one of the coolest

mini-games ever, on par with Pokemon Stadium’s legendary Sushi-go-Round. As

it turns out, in spite of Mikau’s previous difficulties Beaver Brothers isn’t

even that difficult. All it asks of you is subtle manipulations of your fish

as you swim at top speed through a series of progressively more difficult

lifeguard rings. The second part, hosted by the older brother, is marginally

more difficult than the younger brother’s portion, and you might even fail a

few times, but mostly it’s just the sheer exhilaration of trying to keep up

with your target as you hurtle through neckbreakingly tight curves and he

merrily bobs along with the current. Incidentally, the whole setup was so

well-received that a very similar event appeared in Super Mario Galaxy, more

than once in fact. After being beaten, the slack-jawed Beaver Brothers admit

that Mikau is a much more skilled swimmer than they thought, and yield a

Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

B e e d l e

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Phantom Hourglass

Spirit Tracks

I can’t believe I managed to forget Beedle through two revisions O_o

I can’t believe it because he’s iconic to The Wind Waker, and The Wind Waker

is my favourite Zelda. Beedle really showed what the society of TWW was all

about. Like Marin and Tarin from Link’s Awakening, Beedle was always moving

around the world. Wherever you went, you could find him not too far off.

Later on he gave you a map that would actually point out precisely where you

could find him, completely ruining the illusion that he was constantly on the

move, but personally I try to keep the idea alive in my mind.

Actually, the mask he wears in that one map section and his appearance in

other games open up the floor for clones or Nurse Joy Syndrome or chrono-

impairment or something. I like my version better though.

Beedle could be found all over the place because he lived on what Nintendo

Power ticklingly called his ‘floating shop ship.’ Like many businessmen in

Zelda, he doesn’t quite understand the concept of location, joining the ranks

of such luminaries as the guy who peddled his wares from a magic carpet

floating over a perilous sand pit in the middle of the nearly uninhabited

Gerudo Desert. Somehow, Beedle seems to make ends meet, though I kind of

wonder where he gets his supplies...maybe he puts in to port from time to

time. Yeah, that would be supported by his being docked at the opening of

TWW.

Beedle mainly sells Bait Bags, All-Purpose Bait and Hyoi Pears, and, rarely,

Treasure Maps. Not exactly the most compelling merchandise, but he did trick

me into buying a ton of it through his supposed rewards programme. This takes

the form of a points card like you can find at any damn business anywhere

these days, but whose main reward is a slight reduction in price on all

products. Thing is, the stuff he’s selling is only marginally useful in the

first place, and by the time you work up that many points you’re probably at

the end of the game, meaning their usefulness has dropped to exactly zero –

since at that point you’ve probably filled in your map and uncovered all the

secrets you’re going to bother to uncover.

The reward for I believe the Silver Membership, however, was kind of novel.

It was a coupon you could present to Beedle at any time, at which point he

would stand up and yell to high heaven about what a great person you were.

His explanation? Everybody can use encouragement from time to time. Which is

great, even if I was sort of expecting something with an in-game benefit of

some sort.

After the end of The Wind Waker, Beedle apparently follows Link, Tetra and

the crew thousands of miles into uncharted waters, suggesting he is some kind

of stalker. He’s basically unchanged in his PH appearance, though as I recall

his rewards this time take the form of coupons that can be used for actual

discounts.

Spirit Tracks is where it gets weird. Given the dearth of open water found in

most of that game’s setting, Beedle has switched from seaborne to airborne

retailer, and has taken to selling Treasures at twice their value in addition

to his usual assortment of Bombs and sub-standard Potions. Later on, you can

take a kid from Aboda Village, Link’s hometown, to live with Beedle in his

ship, to which the merchant protests profusely; he stays there for the

remainder of the game. But none of this is weird, what’s weird is that ST

takes place ONE HUNDRED YEARS after PH, and yet Beedle doesn’t look a day

older than he did then! Admittedly, he’s likely just a descendant of that

game’s Beedle, since Zelda and Link and others have shown up looking just as

they did and they are verifiably not the same people, and on top of that,

characters reappear outside of their own direct continuities a lot, as with

various minor characters in The Minish Cap. However, Beedle is neither

confirmed to be a different person nor is he in a different continuity, so

isn’t it way more interesting to believe he’s the same guy? I mean seriously,

who actually expected him to appear in ST?

Beedle has a bowl cut, an enormous pink nose that conceals his mouth, and a

somewhat too-happy demeanour. Also, he wears nothing but blue shorts with a

white skull printed on the crotch.

=============================================================================

B e l a r i

Drops hardcore bombs

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Bearing a similar name to quest-critical Melari, Belari is an older Minish

living in Minish Village in Minish Woods. How happy. While most of his kind

embrace the Minish spirit of helping the Big Folk by performing thankless

good deeds and hiding nice things for them to find, Belari puts his efforts

towards inventing and making things, specifically Bombs. He bequeaths Link

with the Bomb Bag early in the game, and later on offers the option of

swapping between regular Bombs and Remote Bombs, an invention of his own

devising, which don’t explode until commanded to do so by the user. Those

things are just plain neat.

=============================================================================

B e l l u m

Creature straight out of a nightmare

Race: Lesser Deity?

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Although Bellum is a constant veiled presence even throughout the early game

and acted to both directly and indirectly set the game’s events into motion,

his existence isn’t revealed until over halfway through the game. Failing to

clue Link in on the nature of the evil he’s fighting against is a little

irresponsible of the Ocean King, but at least he knows enough about his

assailant to devise a counterattack. Briefly prior to the beginning of the

game, Bellum appeared out of nowhere, beat up the Ocean King, jacked almost

all of his power including that of the Phantom Hourglass, and took up

residence in his Temple’s inner sanctum. Bellum captured Leaf and Neri, the

Spirits of Courage and Wisdom, and sent them across the sea to dungeons to be

guarded by hideous Hourglass-born monsters. The Ocean King and Ciela, Spirit

of Courage, barely escape, the latter without even her memories, and bide

their time in disguise as the Ocean King tries to devise a plan of action.

After a long journey up, down and actoss the four corners of Bellum’s

newfound territory, Link acquires the Phantom Sword, possibly the only weapon

capable of defeating his monstrous foe. He then finally takes the plunge and

delves into the deepest depths of the Temple of the Ocean King to confront

the usurper, and we are treated to perhaps the third-coolest final boss

battle in the entire Zelda series.

The first phase of the battle is his longest and least interesting, but I’m

still struck by the sheer creepiness of ugly’s manifestation. It doesn’t look

like much on DS, but its weirndess can’t be denied. Bellum takes the form of

what seems to be essentially a squirming, bloated grub with a slack-jawed

orifice from which springs a single orange-red eye that stares at Link with

insane obsession. This misshapen mass is suspended from the walkways that

ring the cylindrical chamber by a system of eyed, clawed tentacles that whip

at Link with lightning speed as miniature minions harry his flight,

necessitating guerilla-style dodge-and-counterattack tactics with the Bow and

other weapons. After taking a beating, a tentacle’s eye changes colour and

Bellum withdraws it temporarily, perhaps feeling it’s a little too sore and

tender to risk further harm for the time being. Once every tentacle (there’s

like ten) has been bested, Bellum retreats to a higher position and regroups

himself as Link scrambles up a staircase to the next level up.

Once Bellum has ascended to the ceiling and been defeated for a third time,

he says screw this noise and starts FLYING around the place trying to run

Link down. Thinking quickly, Ciela enhances Link’s Hour power with the

ability to momentarily stop time, giving him a brief window of opportunity in

which to whale on Bellum’s eye.

After the already beaten and ragged creature receives the brunt of several

such deadly assaults, he flees to the Ghost Ship and takes off as fast as he

possibly can. Link and and Linebeck leap aboard their vessel and give chase,

shooting down the volleys of strange, organic projectiles that the enemy

craft lobs at them while mounting an offensive of their own, firing a barrage

of bombs into the many turbulent eyes plastered across the Ghost Ship. I

totally saw this coming, too. I just knew that after spending half the game

on the S.S. Linebeck, there had to be at least one seaborne boss battle, and

it was really gratifying to see it here considering its sad absence in The

Wind Waker.

Upon disabling the Ghost Ship, the duo marries and boards it...only to have

Linebeck immediately possessed. Bellum’s phantomile and Linebeck’s humanity

converge to form a tall, armoured, broadsword-wielding soldier. Compared to

the Metroidness of his previous form, the shape he takes on now more closely

resembles a traditional Zelda character, but it’s not entirely what you’d

call a typical Zelda battle. Sword vs. sword combats always turn out

interesting for some reason. Though his defences seem impregnable, Link once

again uses a show-stopping performance to get behind him and attack his only

apparent weakness, the still-gaping eye on his back (that thing is ever

present, isn’t it). Unfortunately, all this accomplishes is some futile

attacks on the closed ocular organ and the capture of Ciela, so that sort of

backfired. In spite of her situation, the resourceful fairy is still able to

use her potent powers to Link’s benefit, though she is considerably

restrained due to her position atop Bellum’s head. From here, Link’s task is

to cross swords with Bellum until their weapons clash in a mighty Power

Struggle that upon Link’s victory yields a moment of confusion on Bellum’s

part. Ciela takes advantage of this lapse in concentration to reimbue the

Hourglass with one full charge, giving Link the opportunity he needs. On top

of this, since the eye is only open periodically, Ciela displays it on the

top screen so that Link will know when make his move. After being hacked to

hell by the Phantom Sword, Bellum explodes, his armour coughs up Linebeck,

the Ghost Ship dissipates, and all evil lifts from the Ocean King’s domain.

There are a number of mysteries surrounding Bellum and his nature. First of

all, though he obviously has some sort of connection to the Phantom

Hourglass, we can’t be certain of exactly what (unless this was explained and

I missed it, which is entirely possible.) The Phantom Hourglass is obviously

his weakness, though whether it’s simply his magical antithesis or for some

other reason, I don’t know. This combined with the fact that he turns into

sand upon his defeat and is absorbed into the Hourglass, I’m inclined to

believe that he was originally sand that was corrupted or otherwise went

rogue on its master, the Ocean King. On top of that, since Bellum was

responsible for the Phantoms (who are also not explained...) that have taken

up residence in the Temple of the Ocean King, simple naming conventions would

lead us to conclude that Bellum is himself a Phantom-family creature. It’s

definitely a theory worthy of consideration.

We also know that he created the Ghost Ship, which would immediately make us

wonder if it’s the same Ghost Ship from The Wind Waker. If not, then there

are probably more out there somewhere, which is kind of an interesting idea;

if not, then they’re the same one, which is a very interesting idea. It means

that Bellum sacked the Temple of the Ocean King and sent the Ghost Ship on a

long voyage to the previous site of Hyrule. That alone opens up a huge number

of possibilities, because, critically, we really have no solid idea of what

the Ghost Ship was created for, besides being Bellum’s representative on the

high seas.

This profile is a little long.

=============================================================================

B i g g o r o n a n d M e d i g o r o n

Titanic swordsmiths

Race: Goron

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

The Minish Cap

Phantom Hourglass

The Gorons are a people whose bodies appear to be made of solid rock. This

lack of carbon growth seems to have some very strange side effects, as

evidenced by dudes like the Goron Elder and Biggoron. They can apparently

live for a very long time...and at least a few of them never stop growing,

ever. Biggoron is huge. Massive. Thirty stories tall, perhaps.

Despite his size, he is quite skilled with fine tools. He is one of the

finest weapon-makers in the whole series (though there aren’t that many.)

He has a younger brother named Medigoron, who is noticeably smaller – but

still so big he takes up a whole room – and noticeably less skilled. He makes

Link a sword that takes seven years to finish, called the Giant’s Knife.

Unfortunately, though powerful, it was so large it took two hands to wield,

and was so fragile it broke after only a few strokes. Biggoron was suffering

from blindness after the eruption of Death Mountain, whose summit he was

right next to; if Link completed the Trading Game and got some rare eye-drops

for him, he offered to fix the sword. It took him three days to come up with

the most powerful sword in the game, the Biggoron’s Sword, which he could

conceivably have used as a toothpick.

In Majora’s Mask, the Gorons all live at Snowhead, where they are slowly

freezing to death. Biggoron was the only one who was unaffected, probably

because of his massive size. He guarded the entrance to Snowhead Temple,

refusing to let anyone in. However, Link put him to sleep with the Goron’s

Lullaby and was able to enter. In this game, Medigoron has found something

he’s good at: making Powder Kegs. These are gigantic bombs that Link can only

handle safely in Darmani Form, and which he needs in order to gather several

important items.

In Oracle of Seasons, the Gorons again live in a snowy climate, and again not

by choice. The ravages of Onox having sunk the Temple of Seasons have forced

their home into winter. Unfortunately, Biggoron is too big to fit into their

cave home, so he has to sit outside and be cold. Part of the Trading Game

involves giving him a pot of soul-warming Lava Soup. In a linked game, he

again contributes the most powerful blade, the Biggoron’s Sword.

Additionally, you can talk to him in The Minish Cap after you’ve beaten the

game and allow him to eat your tasty shield – the Goron diet is chiefly rock

sirloin, if you’ll recall, so tempered iron must be a delectable treat. If

you visit again after a while, he’ll offer up the shiny new Mirror Shield to

replace the one he ate.

The Phantom Hourglass iteration presides over the citizens of Goron Island,

but I think the name is treated as more of a title here; he’s really not that

much bigger than a normal Goron. I guess he was considered too young to be a

Goron Elder; here’s where the term Big Brother could really have been used to

good effect. Nomenclatural kvetching aside, like other Goron leaders,

Biggoron challenged Link to see if he was worthy of being accepted as a de

facto member of the tribe, in this case by asking him a series of questions

about the island and its inhabitants. Each question yields an increasing

Rupee reward (off an ante of 20 Rupees per attempt), culminating in total

winnings of 146 Rupees. Upon Link’s success, Biggoron charges him initiation

fees, which happen to be 146 Rupees. It’s worth it, though, as Biggoron then

opens up the way to Goron Temple, and offers the services of his son Gongoron

as guide and assistant. After Link rids the place of its troubles, Biggoron

even has the grace to return his initiation fees, with a nice little bonus,

proffering a 200-Rupee parting gift. He was an ok guy.

=============================================================================

B i p i n a n d B l o s s o m

New parents

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons and Ages

In both halves of the Oracle saga, Bipin and Blossom are a happy couple who

live in the main village, be it Horon Village or Lynna City. She’s a

housewife, and he tends Gasha plants. They’re both very excited about their

newborn son, to the point that Bipin runs back and forth around their house

like a psycho.

Over the course of a regular game and then a main-linked one, you can watch

their son grow. Over time, you will have various opportunities to influence

his career choice. Depending on how you handle these decisions, he can become

a swordsman like Link, an arborist like his father, a musician like Sokra, or

somebody with no purpose in life.

=============================================================================

B l a d e B r o t h e r s

Sword siblings

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Hyrule Castle Town in The Minish Cap plays host to a sword duelling contest

every year. Some famous competitors include the likes of Link’s uncle, the

King of Hyrule and Vaati himself. But at one point or another, each of the

so-called Blade Brothers won the contest, then departed on a journey of

enlightenment to hone their techniques to perfection.

Swiftblade – He now runs Swiftblade’s Dojo in the southwest part of town,

where he teaches worthy students the basics of sword combat via his patented

method of instruction, the Swiftblade Possession Technique. I didn’t really

think of this until later on, but the fact that he actually has the magical

ability to possess someone’s body is quite remarkable, elsewhere seen only in

exceptional magicians (e.g. Ganon possessing Agahnim.) He claims to have

invented it, but all the other Blade Brothers use it as well, so it’s

unlikely.

Anyway, he teaches the Spin Attack, the Dash Attack, the Rock Breaker and the

Down Thrust. All of these should be familiar to fans, especially the Spin

Attack. The Dash Attack is simply a charge while using the Pegasus Boots, the

Rock Breaker opens up the world by allowing Link to smash rocks with his

sword, and the Down Thrust allows him to do a stabbing hip-drop once he’s

jumped into the air.

Grimblade – He hangs out under Hyrule Castle. If Link finds him, he teaches

the Sword Beam.

Waveblade – This Lake Hylia denizen teaches the Peril Beam, a move new to

Zelda. This one is kind of the opposite of the Sword Beam, in that you can

use it when you have one heart or less (instead of the full hearts needed for

the Sword Beam.)

Greyblade – If Link can find him on Death Mountain, he teaches the patently

useless Roll Attack, which allows Link to strike powerfully with his sword if

he slashes as he rises out of a normal roll.

Swiftblade the First – By the time Link meets him in Castor Wilds, he’s a

ghost, but he has a very useful technique. Normally, the Spin Attack is one

revolution, but the Great Spin Attack allows for several. In a couple of

other games, there was a similar move called the Hurricane Spin Attack. Maybe

it’s the same attack but with a name change, like how the Whirling Blade

Attack became simply the Spin Attack.

Greatblade – He holed up in North Hyrule Field to dedicate himself to

improving the Great Spin Attack, giving it even more revolutions per

execution.

Scarblade – Found in Castor Wilds, he improves the speed at which a Spin

Attack is charged.

Splitblade – When Link steps on certain panels, he can create copies of

himself in order to solve puzzles. Some of these involve combat, so

Splitblade, hiding in Veil Falls, improves the speed at which the Split Gauge

fills.

=============================================================================

B l a i n o

ADRIAAAAAAAAAN!!

Race: Uh.

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

RANK: Major Circuit #2

RECORD: 18-9 (18 KO)

HEIGHT: ?’??”

WEIGHT: ?? lbs.

AGE: ??

FROM: Koholint Island, Hylian Sea

Let’s go, Mac baby, let’s go! This guy’s fast and strong. One hit from those

gloves of his will send you straight back to the beginning of the circuit.

Dodge his punch then counter punch! Make him see Stars!

Blaino made his debut as a mini-boss but subsequently fell to the station of

key quest adversary. His initial appearance is in the eighth and final level

of Link’s Awakening, Turtle Rock, where he guards the prized Magic Rod. Come

to think of it, this is actually a pretty important position, the Magic Rod

being the single most powerful weapon in the entire Zelda series excluding

swords. Blaino’s stamina is also quite high, as he is able to withstand an

almost bosslike number of blows before conceding the match. That’s fine, of

course, since we all love destroying bad guys and all. Slightly more

threatening is his frighteningly powerful jab, which, like the grasp of a

Wallmaster, can instantly return Link to the entrance of the dungeon.

And so it was for the passage of two more games, until Blaino’s unexpected

return in Oracle of Seasons. As Link runs around looking for the Floodgate

Key to open the way to Level 3, Poison Moth’s Lair, he learns that Ricky the

Kangaroo has had his boxing gloves taken as spoils by a wicked little fiend,

and without them he’s too depressed and powerless to do anything but sit

alone in his house. Link agrees to help Ricky out, rising up to the challenge

of their rival. As it turns out, Blaino’s Gym is located a short walk north

of Horon Village, though dude’s personality doesn’t seem to be attracting a

lot of customers. Link challenges Blaino for the Boxing Gloves he stole, and

the ensuing encounter plays out more like a sumo match than a boxing one,

with the goal being to force the opponent to step outside the ring, but

that’s fine. Blaino dutifully returns the item upon his defeat (winning Link

the support of his new animal friend, who isn’t a hamster), but challenges

Link to a rematch if he ever feels up to it. Subsequent bouts will net you

Rupees. One of the more fun ways to fight him is to equip the Expert’s Ring,

which allows Link to throw down his weapons in favour of a clenched fist,

making for a real throwdown contest.

=============================================================================

B l i n d t h e T h i e f

When I was little I thought his name was instructions

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

A young man, perhaps 19, who once plagued Kakariko Village with his

mischievous ways and gang of 40 thieves who ransacked its homes and

terrorized its populace. For some reason he was still able to maintain a

legal residence in the town, and, equally mysteriously, left several hundred

Rupees when he left for parts unknown that its new owner never bothered to

even see if he might be able to get at them despite realising full well that

they were there. The aforementioned parts unknown are in fact known to be

Thieves’ Town, the Dark World equivalent to Kakriko Village, which Blind

apparently established upon travelling there, in search of the Triforce no

doubt.

Thieves’ Town is a totally rundown and depressing little place where nobody

seems to live anymore except monsters and the surviving thieves in their

transformed states. It also houses Blind’s Hideout, raising the question of

why he would need a hideout when he controls the whole town, hidden beneath a

giant statue of a gargoyle (analagous to the Light World’s weathervane.) This

hideout is a massive underground labyrinth, filled with not only traps but a

wide variety of monsters, making it somewhat impractical as a home base. Deep

inside, Link finds Blind in the form of a cute girl, and a very commanding

one at that. Go find the key, no don’t go this way. Know what darling, you

don’t have to stick around you know. Of course, this is all just a ruse to

lure Link into a more amenable arena to have a little brawl, which is

convenient because you need Blind to get through and Hyrule would have been

in serious trouble if the boss had happened not to have felt like bothering

with Link. Luckily he does, and when he accidentally steps into the light,

the extreme photosensitivity for which he earned his name asserts itself, and

all of a sudden he transforms. This is interesting in and of itself, because

this new form is probably the reflection of his heart that the Dark World

forced him to take on, and yet somehow he possesses magic powerful enough to

(even temporarily) override the perogatives of the Triforce itself. That’s

fairly impressive!

As for the new form itself, well it’s a sort of...kind of like one of those

bedsheet ghosts that are the bane of foot fetishists everywhere, but then a

hideous cyclopean red goblin ripped its way out the top, with some gnarled,

clawed hands added to help out. The battle itself is pretty simple, however,

mostly consisting of dodging Blind’s body and projectiles while attacking

with whichever of your many weapons strikes your mood.

=============================================================================

B o m b e r s G a n g

Elitist kindergartners

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

The Bombers are a gang of rowdy little kids in Majora’s Mask. Four of the

five members wear blue berets; Jim, their leader, distinguishes himself by

wearing a red one. When Link first approaches them, he’s in Deku Scrub form,

so they refuse to let him join the gang. However, he agrees to a game of hide

and seek where the Bombers hide all over Clock Town. When he succeeds (before

dawn of the Second Day, or else he loses) Jim gives him the password to their

‘secret hideout.’ They’re cheaters, too; they run away when Link finds them.

Come to think of it, Super Mario Galaxy repeats this one as well, with its

rabbits.

Their hideout is really an underground tunnel that travels beneath the walls

of the town and up into the Astral Observatory, where Professor Shikashi can

be found gazing up at the stars at night. During the day, you can zoom in on

the top of the Clock Tower to cause a Moon’s Tear to fall to the ground

outside the Observatory, which not only plays a part in your first three-day

runthrough but also kicks off that game’s Trading Game. In Ocarina,

Shikashi’s poly was some old guy who lived in Kakariko. Bonooru the Scarecrow

can be found here, where he indirectly teaches the Inverted Song of Time and

Song of Double Time.

The Bombers also give Link the Bombers’ Notebook, since they all have a copy.

It’s used to keep track of all the people they have helped out in the past,

or whose troubles they are currently attempting to solve. Mostly, it’s used

for the player to keep track of the schedules of the multitudinous NPCs who,

at some point or another, give Link a Happy Mask (and also a handful who

don’t.)

The Bombers had a pseudorenaissance in The Wind Waker, where a gang called

the Killer Bees hung out in the village square of Windfall Island. They were

Ivan, the leader, Jin, the advisor, Jan, the thug, and Jun-Roberto, the

scheming, would-be usurper. They play a minor role in the story, terrorize

their teacher, and follow Link around whenever he’s in the vicinity. LEAVE ME

ALONE, STUPID KIDS!

=============================================================================

B r i d g e W o r k e r

Bridge worker

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Bridge Worker, why not. A skilled carpenter who possesses his own solitary

house, rippling muscles, a bandana and hammer, a very flat nose and

considerable assets in the form of debts to him, he is not business-savvy in

any special way but certainly doesn’t take anything from anybody, not even

the ultra-shrewd and morals-devoid Linebeck III. After receiving

repayment/payment in the form of a Regal Ring, the Bridge Worker fixes the

bridge leading from the Forest Realm to the Ocean Realm, which is quest-

critical. Later he can also be brought to Anouki Village to build them a

fence to keep out monsters, a project which he undertakes with such great

care that he makes no progress whatsoever for the entire rest of the game.

=============================================================================

B r o c c o a n d P i n a

Farmer’s marketers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Brocco and Pina each set up opposing vendor stands in Hyrule Castle Town’s

market square. They consider each other fierce rivals in spite of the fact

that they sell completely different products, for precisely the reason that

they’re carrying on a long-standing argument over whether vegetables or

fruits are superior. (Hint: You need both to not die). Brocco, the man whose

hair looks like a head of cabbage, subscribes to the former, while Pina, the

blonde topknot-sporting gal, is a slave to the latter, to the point that ‘she

won't even sell tomatoes even though they technically ARE fruits. Freak.’

Brocco buys the best of Eenie and Meenie’s crops, but Pina’s supplier is

unknown. Both are viable Kinstone candidates. Late in the game, when the

Picori Festival ends, they both go away.

‘Food’ for thought: In case it wasn’t obvious, Brocco’s name comes from the

vegetable broccoli, whereas Pina takes hers from the highly fruit pineapple,

specifically the Italian word for such, just like Pinna Park from Super Mario

Sunshine.

=============================================================================

B u g – C a t c h i n g K i d

Pokeball, go! ... ... You caught Beedrill!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

A surprisingly mature anklebiter who contracts some kind of mysterious

disease, likely somehow related to the recent dark doings casting a pall over

the country, the Bug-Catching Kid gives Link a butterfly net, which he uses

to catch Bees. Well, to be fair, I guess it is just addressed by the catch-

all ‘Bug-Catching Net,’ so maybe we’re in the clear. In the epilogue, there’s

a particular ‘Bug-Catching Kid’ segment that shows him happily frolicking

amongst the Kakariko Village bugs once again. And the Pokemon series has a

Trainer Type called Bug Catcher, just thought that needed pointing out.

=============================================================================

B y r n e

Double-dealing defector

Race: Lokomo/Demon

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Surprisingly, Byrne isn’t introduced as a bait-and-switch baddie to be

replaced by Cole; that would be predictable, right? This goddamn wraith,

casting an evil aura, possessing a mechanized hand and looking like a Dark

Elf Shade from the tabletop battle game Warhammer, it would make sense to

present Byrne as the game’s main antagonist (in addition to Malladus) with

the unassuming Chancellor showing his true colours at just the right moment.

Instead, Zelda wises up immediately, Cole makes his move twenty minutes into

the game, and Byrne ultimately betrays his ostensible master in order to try

and snatch Malladus’s power for himself, all of which is much more

interesting.

Byrne was born a Lokomo, making him one of the custodians of the new Hyrule.

In fact, he was reportedly one of the most prodigious Lokomo around, being

Anjean’s star pupil and a consummate master of nearly all Lokomo skills and

magics. Unfortunately, the reason for his being only a master of ‘nearly’ all

Lokomo arcana is that he exhibited a fairly obvious lust for power, which

soon enough saw him turn his back on the Lokomo path of goodness and

transforming himself into a Demon. Tempering his newfound demonic faculties

with the Lokomo techniques of yesteryear, Byrne became one of the more

fearsome forces in the region. At some point before the start of the game, he

fell in with Cole, who was working on a scheme to resurrect a dark god and

receive some of his power in gratitude. Given Byrne’s general attitude

towards and lack of respect for Cole, it’s safe to say that he intended to

betray him from the beginning.

We first encounter him as part of Zelda’s ill-fated escape attempt, as she

flees the castle with Link and Alfonzo, bound for the Tower of Spirits, only

to have the tracks beneath their train dissolve into nothingness, crashing

the machine irreparably and leading to Zelda being kicked out of her own

body. You’ll notice that Byrne is definitely along for the intimidation

factor here.

Our intrepid heroes encounter Byrne again in the Tower of Spirits as part of

the quest to recover the Fire Realm rail map, but Anjean teleports everybody

to safety before he can do anything problematic. The trick only works once,

however, as Byrne eventually does force the issue and get the battle he

desires (and ends up humiliated, of course). One of the most interesting and

engaging boss battles in the entire Zelda series ensues, as the player must

coordinate the actions of both Link and the Phantom-possessing Zelda to be

successful. After unleashing a fusillade of fireballs punctuated with the

occasional physical attack, Byrne will launch his mechanized gauntlet at

Link, which he must sidestep. The evildoer will be momentarily vulnerable to

Zelda’s quick hands, which will seize his in a touching display of

tenderness, which is to say she drags him down from his perch atop the cage

in which they’re fighting so that Link can run up to him and start attacking

him with a bladed weapon. Zelda is invincible as always in her ten-ton suit

of armour, but I recall that Byrne does have a few tricks that she needs to

be aware of; maybe he summons mice or something. Actually, I think he can

stun her for a few seconds. After a few rounds of this, Byrne will descend ot

ground level and start going to town with his claws. The trick this time is

to interpose Zelda between Byrne and Link, initiating a stylus-driven ‘clash’

event which will leave Byrne off-balance if won; again, it’s time for some

Lokomo sword action, and after taking so much punishment, Byrne eventually

falls. This is a really great and fun battle that tests your ability to

control two characters at once – two characters with not only very different

features but completely different methods of control as well. Very original.

After the battle, there’s a humorous moment as Link and Zelda congratulate

each other in typical shounen manga style, extolling the virtues of their

cooperation and trust, only to realise that Byrne isn’t even listening and is

quickly getting away.

They aren’t quick enough to catch him before Cole finally succeeds in

resurrecting Malladus, and as a result, the imp’s gleeful cries are

interrupted by Byrne violently shoving him out of the way and trying to

preempt his power. Malladus just laughs and zaps him, which only renews

Cole’s amusement as he explains that Malladus could never accept anybody who

was once served the Spirits of Light. They’ve been tainted. Cole and Malladus

depart on the Demon Train while Link, Zelda and Anjean take off in the Spirit

Train, dragging Byrne with them. He starts to brood over not being good

enough for the living embodiment of evil to take on as a vassal, and the fact

that he’s been taken in by his enemies isn't exactly helping his ego. He does

impart the information, however, that the Demon Train (and thus Cole and

Malladus) can be tracked using the Compass of Light, which, if you think

about it, is generally a nautical device and thus something of a throwback to

Phantom Hourglass (and The Wind Waker). Using this information, the good

guys, now plus one, track their foes to the Dark Realm, one of the most

irritating areas in the entire game, for the final showdown.

Byrne gains his final redemption halfway through the battle with the

transformed Malladus, blocking the demon king from repossessing Zelda, who

regained her body in the course of the fighting. He manages to fend him off

long enough for Link and Zelda to regroup, but is killed in the process,

leading to the boss’s final phase. Afterward, it turns out that Byrne wasn’t

so much killed as he lost his body; he may be just a soul, but no afterlife

for him just yet. Instead, Anjean uses some more of her ever-handy magic to

ensure that he’ll walk the earth again someday, though he may not remember of

the events of his previous life, the whole thing of which is possible

foreshadowing for a future title (though I somewhat doubt it.) So there you

have it, just about the only character in the entire Zelda series with an

actual character arc.

=============================================================================

C a n n o n

Character names in Zelda are ever so subtle, aren’t they

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

If the Link explores the world’s one and only specialty Bomb Shop after

washing up on Windfall Island, he’ll find the going rate set at 10,000 Rupees

per Bomb. Although they would be a nice little addition to his inventory,

he’s slightly short, and forced to leave empty-handed, with Cannon’s jeers

ringing behind him. Both are sound evidence suggesting that Cannon is a

really lousy businessman, as not only does he charge so much he can’t move

any product, but he openly insults his would-be patrons as well. Guess he

considers himself some kind of high-roller. Part of this is somewhat

legitimate, as he is the only known individual across the Great Sea capable

of making Bombs. This cavalier attitude, however, is exactly what gets him

into trouble with the pirates towards the end of the game’s first act, as the

brigands, unwilling to pay his downright stupid prices, break into his store,

tie him up into a squirming bundle of flesh and rope, and make off with half

his stock. Following this encounter, he starts to sell at a more reasonable

price and cleans up a bit, and even his customer service improves massively.

=============================================================================

C a p t a i n K e e t a

Almost alliterative

Race: Stalchild

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Captain of the Guard and loyal friend of Igos du Ikana in life, Captain Keeta

takes on the form of what seems to be a giant Stalchild in death. Then again,

maybe that’s just how big he was back in the day, and he’s just been worn

down to bones-only is all. Either way, he doesn’t even need to be exhumed,

his remains lying right out in the open on the courtyard wall of Termina’s

only cemetery. Although quite firmly cemented in and centuries gone, Captain

Keeta responds favourably to a rousing rendition of the Song of Healing; he

awakens, casts off his shackles (that is, destroys half the wall and

connected bridge), postures angrily, and then starts walking off in the

general direction of Ancient Castle of Ikana. If he gets too far he’ll say

something to Igos and then disappear, meaning you’ll have to go back in time

and try again, always a pain. Your job is to chase him down the path, fending

off the Stalchildren who crop up behind him, making use of the occasional

Arrow to thwart his progress temporarily. (He spins in a circle, looks at you

disapprovingly, spins back, and continues on his way.) When you do catch up,

a chain of blue fire will trap the two of you together in your impromptu

arena, at which point it’s a simple matter of avoiding his Stalfos-like

jumping game and responding with sword strikes. This is a bit of a trick if

you only have the L-1 Sword, which is not only quite weak but, more

importantly, has a severe lack of reach. Your reward for felling the

custodian is his Captain’s Hat, allowing you to adopt your erstwhile enemy’s

phizog.

Ikana’s varied undead denizens have quite a number of unique, interesting and

sometimes bizarre reactions to Link when he dons the Captain’s Hat.

Stalchildren willingly obey the orders of their commander, allowing Link to

desecrate the grave of his choice once per night, giving access to a number

of underground grottos with some decent prizes. The Gibdos will ask for

various bottled items, providing vague and sometimes outright wrong hints as

to what they’re after, offering some of their own belongings in return. Igos

du Ikana himself will even be fooled into thinking he’s been reunited with

his old friend, but only momentarily; he quickly sees through the ploy and

states he was much too close to Keeta to be so easily bamboozled. I don’t

remember what Pamela or her father did, but I’ll bet it was interesting. But

my personal favourite is the ReDeads, who stop moaning, crank up some music,

and break out some spontaneous dancing. Specifically, pirhouettes.

=============================================================================

C a r l o v a n d B o r l o v

Figure-loving brothers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

Only Carlov appeared in The Wind Waker. Forest Haven, located in the

southeast of the Great Sea, is composed of one large island and several

smaller ones. One of the smaller ones is accessible by standing in your boat,

using a Hyoi Pear to take control of a seagull, and flying up to hit a switch

near the top of the main island; this drops a ladder that gives you access to

a vertical door that opens by a spinny wheel, like you might see on top of a

submarine.

Inside is the Nintendo Gallery, though the only displays are of characters

and creatures from The Wind Waker. If Link obtains the Deluxe Pictograph –

which is an entire side-quest of its own – he can take colour photos, which

he can then present to Carlov. If it’s taken with the subject in the middle,

is well balanced, and isn’t too blurry, he will spend the next three days

sculpting a fabulously detailed figurine of whatever the subject was. All

figurines he makes will be put on display in one of several rooms in the

Nintendo Gallery. There are 133 figurines, so getting them all is quite a

feat, and one that doesn’t serve any purpose, so completing it is more a

matter of pride, like collecting all 120 Stars in Super Mario 64.

Strangely, if you present Carlov with a picture of himself, he doesn’t

recognize the subject, and will marvel at his own fashionable (?) hairstyle

and waxen skin. ...But each figurine comes with a description, and Carlov’s

figurine’s description references him by name, but was clearly not written by

Carlov. Umm...

Carlov serves a similar role in The Minish Cap, but his place is much easier

to access – it’s in town, and Link can enter it easily once he’s grabbed a

certain dungeon item. This time, however, you collect figurines by random

lottery, though you can only get figurines whose real-life models you’ve

already come into contact with. There are 136 of these.

Carlov’s younger brother Borlov, who looks exactly like him, has opened a

shop in The Minish Cap (though he wasn’t anywhere in Waker.) This is sort of

a retread of Old Man’s money making game from the first Zelda, though he

doesn’t sell his product very well, dissuading you from attempting it several

times throughout its explanation.

=============================================================================

C a r p e n t e r s

Lumberjacks’ raison d’etre

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

The Minish Cap

For minor characters, they sure got a lot of exposure. Characters who debuted

in Ocarina of Time have all the luck.

We’ve got Mutoh, Ichiro, Jiro, Sabooru and Shiro.

Speaking of Ocarina, their activities in that game vary depending on which

timeframe you’re in. As child Link, Kakariko Village is still under

construction, and you can see them working on a few buildings. By the time

you’re an adult, they’re complete; they all become houses, I believe.

By the time you’re in adult form, the bridge connecting Gerudo Valley to

Hyrule Field has been smashed to splinters. The carpenters were contracted to

repair it, but made the mistake of trying to join the Gerudo tribe. Even Jim

Caruk knows better than to bother the neighbours. This prompted the Gerudo to

capture them and toss them in various cells throughout the fortress, gathered

by the orange-clad Gerudo elites. The foreman, Mutoh, asked Link to rescue

them, after which they were able to rebuild the bridge.

In Majora’s Mask, they spent most of their time in South Clock Town, crawling

around the scaffolding and hitting things with their hammers. (That’s what

the weird tap-tap-tap-tap-tap noise is. It took me a while to figure that one

out.) They are in the midst of an argument with the Town Watch, whose captain

asserts that it is smartest to flee, while Mutoh the Foreman maintains that

this kind of thinking is pure cowardice and foolishness. In the end, the

other carpenters take off, and the Foreman is left standing in front of the

Clock Tower yelling defiantly at the Moon. He fully believes that everything

will be fine when it impacts.

They are once again slacking off in Oracle of Ages’ prelude to Level 4, Skull

Dungeon. Link finds the Foreman and he explains that his workers haven’t

shown up. Link has to search them out and lay down the law. The terrain will

be different depending on whether he has Ricky, Moosh or Dimitri as his

animal partner. After Link puts them all back to work, they finish the bridge

that leads to Symmetry City.

No such disciplinary problems exist in The Minish Cap, where they do whatever

their boss tells them. They complain about it a lot, though. Their main

purpose is to block off parts of the world with refuse for the first part of

the game, blocking off areas the game’s developers didn’t want Link to visit

too early. They slowly clear it away, build two houses in Hyrule Castle Town,

and then take some time off.

=============================================================================

C h a n c e l l o r C o l e

Secret subversive

Race: Demon

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

When Zelda covertly whispers, ‘Beware of the Chancellor,’ she isn’t kidding.

Far from merely being an outwardly suave bureaucrat who is actually rather

slimey, he is actually much more dangerous than the Princess might have cared

to know. As it turns out, his reason for wearing two differently-sized top

hats is not that he has a penchant for the outrageous but rather that he is a

demon whose fat head supports two differently-size horns, which may also

account for how incredibly short he is (I mean the demonism, not the fact

that he has horns.) He masquerades as Zelda’s loyal underling for a matter of

years, gradually and subtly extending tendrils of power throughout the land

while doing everything he can to stunt that of the sovereign. When he has

something he needs done that he can’t do himself, he employs Byrne, his

power-hungry and more battle-ready subordinate who plans to overcome him

sooner or later. All of this is done in a very grand attempt at reviving the

ancient demon king, Malladus, who reigned at the time of her grandmother’s

arrival, and whose bonds, the Spirit Tracks, are rapidly disappearing thanks

to Cole’s dedicated work. When Zelda finally manages to sneak out from under

him one day thanks to Link’s help, she forces his hand; he and Byrne ambush

the party’s train, destroys the tracks leading to the Tower of Spirits, and,

in a neon coup d’etat, rip her very spirit from her body, as he does so

happening to mention (for no real reason) that the latter is necessary for

Malladus’s resurrection. He breaks the Tower of Spirits while he’s doing all

of this, removes practically all remaining Spirit Tracks from the face of the

land, and then takes off to begin the ritual.

We don’t see him over the course of four dungeons, as we race to restore

Malladus’s shackles. When we finally catch up to him, Malladus’s resurrection

is already well underway, and we arrive just in time to see him take over

Zelda’s body. Byrne kneels before Malladus and asks him for a fraction of his

power, but both Malladus and Cole immediately reject him. Cole once again

summons his Demon Train, and once again completely disappears for another

long stretch of game.

Link and Zelda’s next encounter with Cole is their last. Pursuing him into

the Dark Realm, they find him and Malladus riding atop the Demon Train. While

Zelda rushes forward to reclaim her body, Cole tries to fend her off by

shooting mice at her. Link’s job is to keep them from hitting their mark, but

if they do, Cole will take control of Zelda by magical marionette strings and

begin to not only swing the Phantom’s sword at him, but also walk towards him

and away from Malladus, causing you to lose huge amounts of progress with

each failed attempt to sever the strings, making Cole, if nothing else, by

far the most aggravating final boss character in the series. Following

Zelda’s body reclamation, Malladus will see not much recourse and eat his

loyal follower, who screams for mercy but ends up possessed anyway. Nintendo

can be uncharacteristically frickin’ harsh sometimes. The form Malladus

assumes here retains his own blue but appears like a sort of extrapolated,

more demonic version of Cole, mainly in the horns. He claims that although he

can’t correctly interface with Cole’s body (it not being quite so special as

Zelda’s) and will be forced out soon, he’ll have destroyed the world by the

time that happens. Link and Zelda aren’t about to have any of that, so they

stab Cole’s monstrous form in the head with the Lokomo Sword, killing both

him and Malladus in so doing. I’m telling you, uncharacteristically harsh.

=============================================================================

C h a r l o

Because you can never have too many people asking you to give them money

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess had all kinds of characters that would have gone unnamed in

previous instalments due to their overall uselessness, but are out with full-

force monikers here. This really gums up the works with unnecessary entries,

all the more so when I feel the need to pontificate about the situation.

Charlo is the robed pastor-looking guy in West Hyrule Castle Town who asks

you for Rupees, apparently for a Hyrule restoration project in the wake of

twilit destruction or something along those lines. For the longest time I

thought Aonuma and the gang were just scamming me, but actually after you

contribute 1000 Rupees your generosity, patience and dedication will be

rewarded with a Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

C h e f B e a r

What was that sound?

Race: Bear

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Owning what may be a small restaurant in Animal Village (the only one, if

that’s what it is), Chef Bear dons an apron and chef’s hat to tend what looks

like either pots of soup or jars of honey. Although her culinary specialties

are unknown, her preferences are not, because everyone knows that all bears

have an insatiable lust for honey. In exchange for the Honeycomb that Tarin

knocked out of a tree with a Stick, which he immediately regretted doing as

the swarm set in, Chef Bear gives Link a Pineapple. No one knows if Chef Bear

is male or female, but I’ve always assumed she’s a guy.

=============================================================================

C h r i s H o u l i h a n

Justin Bailey

Race: ...

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Chris Houlihan is a real person. He won a contest in Nintendo Power in which

the winner would be put in the next Zelda game. And he’s there, but if you

played the game, you probably never even noticed him; he’s a little out of

the way, as you might expect. The secret is to cause a malfunction in your

SNES cart. Chris Houlihan’s room is there as crash protection. If you enter a

door or fall through a hole or otherwise do something that will take you to a

new screen, and your game glitches out, you’ll appear in Chris Houlihan’s

room. There’s a few ways to do this that I’ve looked up but won’t detail here

for reasons of concision and topicality, but I’m sure you can open a new tab

and find them pretty quick for yourself.

You can also enter his room by means placed in the game intentionally, by

either starting at the Sanctuary or the easternmost edge of Kakariko Village

and then using the Pegasus Boots to run nonstop to the hole you fell into at

the beginning of the game, shortly before encountering your dying uncle.

Except you won’t fall into there, you’ll fall into Chris Houlihan’s Room.

It’s just a little cave with a bunch of Rupees and a Sahasrahla tablet on the

north wall, but it’s one weird secret. If you use the tablet Chris Houlihan

announces himself and basically tells you that you’ve broken into his house.

And with those two lines of dialogue, he somehow gets a profile. Does that

REALLY count as a character? Guess so.

What I want to know is, what’s the deal with the Japanese version of the

game? Did Japan have its own winner, or does Chris appear internationally?

That’d be a little strange, to have an American appear in the Japanese

version, though I guess it wouldn’t be out of place since all the names in

that game are foreign anyway. While we’re on the subject, does Chris appear

in other localizations, such as maybe the Brazilian version? Does he have the

same name, is his room even accessible?

=============================================================================

C h r i s t i n e

Enchantress

Race: Goat

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Also known as Miss Goat (the name that is eternally branded into my own

memory), Christine is a young woman living in Animal Village who is pen pals

with a man named Mr Write who lives near Goponga Swamp. But the bond they

share runs far deeper than the fact that they’re both named after their

defining characteristics; they’re wildly in love. Link gives the insufferable

narcissicist a hibiscus to win her favour, and as a reward she sends him on

an errand - this is exactly the sort of woman that I always end up going for

in real life - giving him a letter and a picture of Princess Peach to deliver

to Mr Write. This of course all works out for Link in the end, because it’s

part of the all-important Trading Game, but when Mr Write, upon seeing the

photograph, declares that the time has come for him to finally meet this

beauty in person and hastens to make travel preparations, I’m afraid I kind

of have to worry for the couple’s future. I mean come on, their relationship

is built on a lie.

=============================================================================

C h u d l e y

Swindler

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Eponymous owner and operator of Chudley’s Fine Goods and Fancy Trinkets

Emporium, a small shop in the eastern block of Hyrule Castle Town’s market

square, Chudley is a snivelling elitist with a very strange sense of fashion.

In order to so much as gander at his horrifically overpriced merchandise, one

must endure endure the simpering comments he showers on customers he doesn

not deem worthy, and that’s only after passing a careful inspection from the

doorman ensuring that the grubby don’t come in to sully the wares. That would

ruin the experience for paying customers, since the whole setup is designed

to offer the sense of partaking in a level of classiness that commoners can

only dream of. Speaking of paying customers, that’s one thing that Link can

never be while within the embrace of the Emporium, because every single item

costs more than the entire capacity of the largest wallet he can obtain.

Almost every single one is a perfectly everyday thing that can be found at

any store anywhere, but Chudley talks them up like they’re the most amazing

incredible magnificent things he’s ever seen.

He doesn’t get very far with this, however; after being donated incredibly

massive amounts of Rupees, Malo fixes the eastern Hyrule Castle Town bridge,

establishes a supply convoy route from there to Kakariko, and promptly buys

out the Emporium. Good riddance. The lot becomes a new Malo Mart location,

and its gracious new management puts on a grand opening sale that lasts until

the end of the game, with everything in stock on for half price. This means

that running down to the corner for a bundle of Arrows sets you back naught

but pocket change, though as always it’s still cheaper to just run around any

outdoor area cutting things up with your sword for a while. Of course, this

also puts the Magic Armour down to a cool 598 Rupees, well within Link’s

budget, but anyway, none of this directly relates to Chudley.

Chudley discards his old garb in favour of something more stylish and

apparently changes his name to Malver, now manager of Malver’s Marvelous

Market. Though his moustache-grooming techniques remain as questionable as

ever, his customer service skills have skyrocketed, perhaps due to some

coaching from the always-honest Malo. As if that weren’t enough of an

improvement, Malver has also learned some sweet new dance moves that he busts

out in synchronus with his fellow employees, all to the tune of the

supersweet Malo Mart melody.

=============================================================================

C i e l a

Pretty down-to-earth for a goddess

Race: Fairy

Apearances: Phantom Hourglass

In the first DS Zelda title, series director Aonuma Eiji professed a desire

for a fully stylus-driven Link. I’m not exactly sure why, but he apparently

felt it would be helpful to include an onscreen cursor. I find this sort of

unnecessary since you can obviously see your physical stylus, but it does add

character to what you’re doing, and blossomed into Ciela.

As fairies go, she doesn’t measure up to the N64 legends, but she has sort of

a mixture of Navi’s purity and Tatl’s spunk. She does admirably fulfill the

role of Link’s voice, always maintaining a level head even in dire

circumstances and trading barbs with Linebeck during intermissions. On top of

that, of course, she performs the usual mechanic-explaining and puzzle-

pondering we get from all of Link’s allies. And on top of that she makes the

incredibly slick contribution of wielding Link’s Hammer. This enables him to

make punishing blows at range all over the damn place, with just a simple tap

on the touch screen.

However, thanks to the battle with Bellum prior to PH’s opening, Ciela finds

herself reduced to the powers of an ordinary fairy and all her memories

wiped. She’s still the same rambunctious, dutiful cowgirl she always was,

though, so when she sees an opportunity to help out ‘Grandpa Oshus,’ she

won’t take no for an answer. Oshus eventually relents and Ciela sets off with

Link and Linebeck, unknowingly on a quest to rescue her brother and sister.

This all goes smoothly, but when they locate the third spirit, they find it

an unresponsive shell. Everyone is thoroughly confused by this, except for

Oshus, who explains what’s really going on and re-fuses Ciela’s conscious

half and the part containing her power and memories that had been ripped out

of her. Ciela awakens as the Spirit of Courage and the three are reunited in

solidarity.

At this point Ciela doesn’t become any more useful or anything, but the

second arc of the story does kick off here. Ciela sticks it through right

until the final battle, where she proves her worth by harnessing the power of

the Phantom Sword (forged from the three Pure Metals and the Phantom

Hourglass) and giving Link the ability to temporarily stop time, allowing him

to attack Bellum. In the last stage of the battle, Bellum hijacks her, but

Link manages to knock her from his grasp. Ciela then shows one final useful

ability: Since Bellum can only be damaged when his eye is open, and his eye

is on his back, she displays it on the DS’s top screen, so that Link knows

when the time is right to attack. With her help, Link is able to slay Bellum

and rid the Ocean King of his Bellum-related ailments.

But with that done, their time together is over, and Oshus uses his newly

restored power to heal the bestoned Tetra, then teleport her and Link far

away and back onto the deck of their ship. Link and Ciela will never meet

again. It was all so sudden, wasn’t it?

=============================================================================

C o m p o s e r B r o t h e r s

Ghostly musicians

Race: Poes

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

The Composer Brothers are a little confusing. Based on Ocarina of Time’s

cemetery, one would expect them to be Hylians, but Majora’s Mask shows them

to be Poes. Hmm.

Anyway, in Ocarina of Time they are only mentioned when you find the notes

for the Sun’s Song. They mention that they, the Composer Brothers, wrote it.

Anna Bare has this to say:

“I haven't played Ocarina of Time in a while, but I was almost certain that

you can "fight" the Composer Brothers, Flat and Sharp. I can't remember if

you have to be young or old Link (I think young), but if you go to the

Graveyard in Kakariko and examine each of the two gravestones on both sides

of the big grave (the one you blow up), the Brother is summoned and you can

“fight” him.”

I’m currently unable to verify that, but it’s possible they’re just ordinary

Poes. Joao Paulo Hoppe confirms that they do indeed exist, and that when

defeated they talk about their lives and the Sun’s Song. The Platinum Knight

says something similar. Well, I guess that’s settled.

They show up physically in Majora’s Mask, at the top of Ikana Canyon. We

learn here that their names are Flat and Sharp, which, if you don’t know, are

two kinds of musical notes (hitting F-sharp when the composition calls for F-

flat is a major performance blunder that will cost you much respect, or so

children’s shows would have me believe.) Sharp has tried to restore Ikana,

the dead kingdom, to its former splendour, but has inadvertently made it even

worse than before. As a result of his deal with Skull Kid, not only have the

dead risen, but his brother Flat has been imprisoned. In the process, Sharp

has also been corrupted. Flat is still fundamentally good, whereas Sharp

tries to kill Link and stands a good shot at it. However, a quick rendition

of the Song of Healing soothes his confused, battered soul. The brothers

teach Link the quest-critical Song of Storms before departing for the next

world.

=============================================================================

C o r o

Shinoda Cycle supplier

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

‘Coro’ sounds like some kind of low-quality industrial manufacturer from the

mid- to late-90’s or something. I’m sure I’ve heard it.

The subject of this distorted memory most likely has no relation to Coro from

Twilight Princess, the younger brother of Iza and older brother of Hena. He

makes his home in the woods where he brews Lantern Oil. He sells not only

oil, which comes in a Bottle that you can later use for other things (love

those Bottles, yeah?), and is even kind enough to straight-up give away the

Lantern itself. Thunder Wave, Confuse Ray, Surf, Thunderbolt; that’s what I

always ran on my Parafusion Lanturn. He provides Link with the key to the

Forest Temple as well. Sadly, he is something of a black sheep in his family,

as his fishing prowess is shameful in comparison to that of his sisters and

of their ancient ancestor, the guy from Ocarina of Time’s Fishing Hole. On

the other hand, he does have an afro, which always ups coolness by a factor

of 4.6, although in this case its coolness is somewhat diminshed by the fact

that it is literally a bird’s nest. There’s a picture of him in Hena’s

Fishing Hole.

Ah! It wasn’t a company at all. I was thinking of CoroCoro Comics.

=============================================================================

C r a z y T r a c y

‘Crazy’ in this game? You’ve got a long way to go, darling

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

I don’t know, guys, I think Crazy Tracy is pretty cute. I mean she’s got

those little button eyes and that long, bouncy black hair and that huge red

bow on her head. I mean it just, it suits her somehow. She also seems to keep

a pet rat, which isn’t cute, but not like there’s a problem with that or

anything. Sweetheart spends her free time brewing Secret Medicine, which,

like its counterparts in other games, fully restores Link’s hearts should he

at any time run out. As a little bonus, she’ll also restore all of Link’s

hearts upon purchase, though unlike in Zelda II, this happens on-camera, so

we can’t make childish jokes about it. Conveniently, these services are quite

easy to access: If you play Manbo’s Mambo outdoors, you’ll immediately

teleport to the pond in her backyard (such as it is), which makes me really

wonder just what kind of magical-properties schwerve is going on with that

thing. Maybe she makes her Medicine out of the water?

Given the fact that half the cast of Link’s Awakening come from other games,

it’s fitting that Crazy Tracy herself appeared in an another game. It’s funny

because she was almost LA’s only original character. Captain*Rainbow, a

Nintendo-published carnival of obscure references, features not only Crazy

Tracy, but Birdo, Little Mac, Mappo from GiFTPiA, Drake Redcrest from Chibi-

Robo, and Lip from Panel de Pon. It features protagonist Nick and his

adventures on Mimin Island as he uses his sentai-like powers of superhero

transformation to regain his lost popularity (lol, he’s a new property, when

was he ever popular in the first place?). Progressing in vaguely episodic

fashion, Nick helps the slew of referential characters he encounters fulfill

their deepest desires. Tracy, in particular, is a mild fanservice character

who wants to enslave all the men of the world and have them come to her

mansion to fawn about her throne. I don’t know, I didn’t quite get that vibe

from her in LA.

=============================================================================

C u b u s S i s t e r s

Calypsos

Race: Poes

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

After traversing several dangerous dungeons and rescuing the Spirits of

Power, Wisdom and Courage from their monstrous jailers, Link is finally able

to track down the Ghost Ship that took off with Tetra at the beginning of

Phantom Hourglass. Leaping aboard, he swiftly makes for its darkest and most

treacherous bowels, only to come across, of all the random things, a sweet

little girl. She wears a red riding hood, actually. She quickly explains that

her three sisters have gone and gotten lost elsewhere within the ship, and

she’s too afraid to go and find them herself. But look! Here’s Link, the

prophesied hero whom she somehow eerily knows all about, so won’t he please

go and retrive them? Oh, come on. Of course he will, Link can’t refuse a

request for help from anybody.

So he trundles off into the creaking abyss, and in short order he finds the

second sister and manages to convince her to follow. As it turns out, though,

his charges are some of the most uncooperative he’s ever had. Like other

people he’s had to escort in the past, not only do they freak out when

monsters are around and become useless until he kills them – which is

acceptable – but, like Zelda in the escape sequence of Ocarina of Time, they

get frightened if you WALK TOO FAST. They have trouble keeping pace with

Link, so you really have to be careful not to let them fall behind and start

cowering, or they’ll start fussing and you’ll have to talk to them to calm

them down and continue the journey. It’s a little more of a pain than it

would otherwise be, too, since they’re not as mobile as Link either, unable

to hop chasms or do much of anything other than waddle, really. On top of

that, they scream – and we all know how Phantoms and Reaplings react when

they hear loud noises. They teleport on top of your face.

As if all that weren’t enough, they give bad advice too. They instruct Link

not to hit the Reaplings in their sternal weak points, for example, and when

they reach a set of two chests, the third sister warns Link not to open the

left chest, because it’s a trap, while the right one holds a treasure. I

totally called her on this, but figured nah I’m being paranoid and opened the

right-hand one anyways. This was a mistake. It summoned another Reapling.

She tries to apologize and be all cute, but there’s a hint of joyous malice

in her tone somehow (even without VA.) By this point, it’s likely becoming

clear what’s really going on, given how unhelpful they’ve been. When Link

finally reunites all four sisters, they end their little game and begin

another one, assuming their true forms as Poe-like creatures (fitting that

Poes would be the bosses of the GHOST Ship), not unlike the Little Women of

OoT. The Diabolical Cubus Sisters then proceed to attack in a manner usually

reserved for Ganondorf, Vaati or individuals under their control (Agahnim,

Phantom Ganon, etc), which is to say they fire balls of coloured energy at

Link that he must deflect by batting them away with his sword. As is

customary, the paths of his bunts has nothing to do with where on the sword

it connects, or the angle of his weapon, or even the direction he’s facing.

Just to make things more interesting, they freakin’ shoot laser beams out of

their eyes. Anyway, if you keep repelling their energy balls they’ll start to

screw up and eventually miss; two impacts is enough to down a sister. The

battle intensifies when Link narrows the field down to just the eldest,

green-cloaked sister, as she starts to fire all kinds of projectiles

including energy balls that can’t be reflected in any way, which could

potentially lead to a Touhou-level Charlie Foxtrot of stuff flying around

trying to kill you, though at least you don’t have to play Trauma Centre at

the same time or something. That’d be more brutal than awkwardly inserting

gratuitous amounts of inappropriate references into one sentence. So hey

yeah, after the final sister tastes her own medicine three times – which

makes me question why she would fire the reflectable energy ball at all

instead of keeping with her unpunishable attacks – she falls to the ground,

surrenders the Ghost Key that allows access to stoned Tetra, and

disintegrates as so many Zelda bosses do.

=============================================================================

C u c c o L a d y

Perhaps Zyrtec would help

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Minish Cap

The residents of Kakariko Village are known for being a little...off beat.

The Cucco Lady does nothing to tarnish its reputation. (‘Sell me something

with C guy’ is also up there.) The Cucco Lady raises Cuccos even though she’s

allergic; that’s why she’s sneezing all the time. I think she does it because

her grandmother raised Cuccos or something. She can’t even keep all the

Cuccos in the pen, and enlists Link to gather them all up. His reward is an

Empty Bottle. Her avian escapees cause similar problems in The Minish Cap,

and Link is again called into action, but this time has a few differences:

The Cuccos run away (requiring the Pegasus Boots for the squirellier ones),

the game is played over several rounds, and for some reason, it’s timed.

=============================================================================

D a l t u s

One King of Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

The Minish Cap-era King of Hyrule. He is quite tall and obese, and he wears a

long red robe, and he’s rendered in the GBA’s version of cel-shading, and

thus he bears a striking resemblance to Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule. He

reportedly was a great swordsman in his youth, and fought to a draw with

Link’s uncle Smith one year at the Picori Festival. He’s become a huge wimp

since then, since the most initiative he takes when his own daughter is

kidnapped is to tell his guards to look for her and assign Link a few special

missions that will hopefully lead to her recovery.

He apparently does a not-bad job at ruling Hyrule, however, as his subjects

seem pretty happy. Minister Potho, who looks like a flea, assists him in this

endeavour. Mayor Hagen takes care of Hyrule Castle Town itself.

=============================================================================

D a m p e

Insert lame joke about ‘digging’ graves

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

The Minish Cap

The Kakariko Village Graveyard is located just behind the village itself.

This is the final resting place of all Kakariko and Hyrule Castle Town

citizens. Those who swore fealty to the Hylian Royal Family long ago get

special lots. Towards the very back, with a headstone that’s taller than you

are, is the Royal Tomb. Link can enter the tomb and wander around in it, and

for some reason a song written by the Composer Brothers is down there. In

adult form, Link will be harassed by Poes. A little kid wanders around,

because he likes it there, but complains that nobody thinks he’s scary

because he’s too cute.

Dampe is the gravekeeper.

He’s an ugly, short, hunched-over guy who looks like he was hit in the side

of the face with a sledgehammer. He always wears black robes, and he carries

around a shovel and lantern.

If Link knocks on his door during the daytime, he’ll get yelled at – Dampe is

working the graveyard shift, after all (true historical term), and he needs

his beauty sleep. At night, though, he runs the Heart-Pounding Grave-digging

Tour, where he’ll follow Link around the cemetery and dig wherever he tells

him to, for 10 Rupees each time. Good luck will yield some nice prizes, like

a Heart Piece.

Seven years later, he’s died. The little kid takes over and Dampe gets his

own tomb. If Link finds it, he can enter and meet Dampe’s ghost. Dampe had a

cool springy toy when he was alive, and he’ll give it to Link if he can keep

up with him as he speeds through the adjacent tombs, dropping fire from his

lantern. The toy is actually the Hookshot, probably the coolest item in video

game history, no exaggerations. It shoots a pointed wedge with a chain

attached, allowing Link to cross gaps, hit stuff from afar, grab hard-to-

reach items and attack enemies. It got screwed over in The Wind Waker,

though. If Link keeps up in a second, harder race, he’ll get a Piece of

Heart.

He plays a similar roll in Majora’s Mask as groundskeeper of Ikana Graveyard,

but his attendance is inverted. The Stalchildren come out at night, and they

scare the crap out of him, so he can be found only during the day. If Link

wears the Captain’s Hat, which makes him look like the leader of the

Stalchildren, he’ll cry that they’ve started coming out in the daytime too,

and run away screaming.

He once again reprises his role in The Minish Cap, where he tends Royal

Valley. All he does is give Link a key and help him reach the end of the

segment, but at least this time he isn’t afraid of something that comes with

the job.

============================================================================

D a r k L i n k

Amorphous inner evil

Race: Shadows

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Four Swords Adventures

Spirit Tracks

Any way you slice it, Dark Link (in any of his several forms) is a

fascinating character. After all, our boy Link is a paragon of courage and

benevolence, and Dark Link is basically him – on the polar opposite end of

the morality spectrum. His origins and motivations are a mystery, but it’s

endless fun to speculate.

I’ve listed all of these together in the same profile, under the name of Dark

Link because that’s probably the version most players will be most familiar

with. But that does not mean they’re the same character by any means. They

could be, I guess, but I would tend to think of them as separate. Not that it

really makes a difference one way or another.

He made his debut as Link’s Shadow, the last boss in The Adventure of Link.

In that game, one had to traverse the frustratingly difficult Great Palace,

square off with the Thunderbird and then take on Link’s Shadow without rest.

Shadow Link was a palette swap of Link...except the new palette was entirely

black. Yup, he was just a silhouette. Except for magic, he could do

everything Link could, which meant he could both jump and use his sword. He

had the two special sword techniques (the Downward and Upward Thrusts) and,

once he got going, he attacked relentlessly. There was potential for a long

and tough fight, but players could exploit the relatively simple behaviour

pattern for a very quick and easy one. They simply had to jump, which would

cause Link’s Shadow to lower his shield. They would then slash on the way

down, smacking him in the noggin. Shadow Link would be knocked back, and the

process would be repeated as necessary. Still, he was a pretty original boss

character for the time.

His first appearance as Dark Link was in Ocarina of Time as the Water Temple

mini-boss. The fight took place in a huge room that housed an ankle-deep

lake. Link’s shadow was clearly visible in the reflection of the water. When

he ran over the centre island’s pool of water, however, it mysteriously

vanished. Link then saw the locked door, turned around, and found Dark Link

waiting on the island. This fight involved a considerably better set of

actions; for one thing, Dark Link had the ability to spring up and disappear

at will, and easily evaded Link’s stabs. This battle was fairly non-linear in

regards to how Dark Link could be defeated, and I’ve seen a number of

different strategies. A few of the more popular ones are straight

swordfighting, Spin Attacks, the Megaton Hammer and Din’s Fire. When Dark

Link went down, the illusion disappeared and the room was just an ordinary,

closed-in Water Temple chamber. The prize was the Longshot (well, actually it

was a Small Key unlocking the room beyond, which contained the Longshot.)

I’m not sure this next one counts, but arguably a form of Dark Link appeared

as Fierce Deity Link (Kiishin Rinku) in Majora’s Mask. At the end of his

quest, Link was transported to the inside of the moon, where he found a tree

with a kid sitting under it and four prancing around it. They each wore the

mask of one of the game’s four dungeon bosses, except for the sitting kid who

wore Majora’s Mask. If Link had collected all 20 Happy Masks, he could trade

them to partake in each child’s mini-dungeon. If he completed them all before

talking to the Majora Child, the spirit would notice that Link had no masks

and give him the Fierce Deity’s Mask so they could play ‘good guys and bad

guys.’ Link was the bad guy. The Fierce Deity was apparently a demon whom the

early Termina Hylians sealed in a mask. When Link dons the mask, he takes on

a form much like his adult one from Ocarina of Time, but with armour, a

whitish-blue colour scheme, eyes without pupils, and a really big, double-

helixish sword that can shoot fireballs, even after he’s taken damage.

Beating Majora’s Mask was a snap as the Fierce Deity. (By the way, the reason

he’s here is because of the whole ‘dark spirit’ thing.)

The Adventure of Link had Link’s Shadow, so Four Swords Adventures turned

that around and gave us Shadow Link. An apparition created by Vaati, Shadow

Link tricked Link into drawing the Four Sword and being sundered. After that,

he caused mayhem throughout Hyrule, and produced at least three copies of

himself. Setting fires and harassing civilians, he showed up twice each

stage, where whoever smacked him could snag 100 Force Gems. He was also a

boss for several stages – these battles were usually waged on both the Light

World TV screen and the Dark World GBA screen. He would eventually take on a

colour, and only the corresponding Link could damage him in this state.

Dark Link also showed up kind of out of nowhere as the ‘secret’ boss of

Spirit Tracks, where he reigned as the final challenge of Take ‘Em All On,

Level 3. Unfortunately, he was also the most underwhelming boss of the entire

game, as his attacks did shockingly little damage, he himself went down in

like ten hits, and Link was limited to his sword only, turning the whole

affair into a tactless slashfest. That said, some of his attacks were quite

cool, as he was capable of using some of the classic Zelda arsenal,

particularly Bombs, which he would toss your way before immediately pulling

out the Bow and firing, detonating it right away. If you ran out of range of

the explosion, he would proceed to fire continuous volleys until you were

able to approach again, making the best strategy here to attack him before he

could throw the Bomb in the first place. He also had some sword tricks of his

own, including a delayed slash followed by a Jump Attack (after which he was

briefly vulnerable), and either of the two special techniques, provided Link

had already acquired them himself by that point (mine knew the Great Spin

Attack but not the Sword Beam.)

Oh, and I guess it’s worth mentioning that he appears in Super Smash Bros

Melee, in Event Match 18: Link’s Adventure. Here, he’s basically a Level 9

Link, but coloured black instead of textured. Defeating him isn’t much

trouble, unless you suck at Smash, but it’s a cool idea anyway.

=============================================================================

D a r m a n i

Stalwart defender

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Gorons are accustomed to living in warm, dry climates, like underground or

inside a volcano. Termina, like it’s other-dimension counterpart Hyrule, was

bathed in perpetual spring. So when Skull Kid started his takeover and froze

over Snowhead Mountain, the Gorons were in for quite a shock. The direct

cause of all this could be addressed if one were to travel to defeat Goht.

The Gorons’ only warrior, Darmani, attempted just this, and was killed in the

process.

The Gorons built a shrine to remember him, but his spirit couldn’t move on

because he knew his people were suffering. Link is able to see Darmani’s

ghost using the Lens of Truth, and follows him to the shrine. His ghost is

dark grey and has no pupils. Notably, one can see a large gash running from

his upper-left chest to lower-right belly; it’s safe to assume this is from

the killing blow dealt him by Goht. Link plays the Song of Healing for him

and we watch his first moments in the afterlife as he goes to meet his dead

comrades – he’s scared as hell, but he doesn’t shy away and instead boldly

meets the next life (though he screams.) Link gets the Goron Mask, allowing

him to assume Darmani’s form.

In this form, Link can throw his weight around, attack with a powerful three-

part fiery punching combo, roll around like the Hot Rodder Goron (and

others), and play songs on the Goron Bongos.

=============================================================================

D a r u n i a

Jovial dancer

Race: Goron

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Goron leader is called the Big Brother Goron. Now I’m sure Darunia is a

good administrator and all, but he has quite a cold personality. When the

Dodongos chase the Gorons out of Dodongo Cavern, their main source of food,

they begin to starve. Man, if it’s not one thing it’s another with the

Gorons, eh? Anyway, Darunia locks himself into his room and refuses to accept

visitors until Link plays Zelda’s Lullaby in front of his door, and even then

he only admits him because he thinks he’s a royal messenger. Stupid Hylians,

always abandoning the Gorons in their times of need.

He perks up when he hears Saria’s Song, though, and does quite an energetic

dance. He then gives Link the Goron’s Bracelet, an item so huge Link wears it

around his upper arm, which lets him pick Bomb Flowers safely. When Link

vanquishes King Dodongo and the Gorons are able to return and get their much-

needed, tasty rock sirloin, he gives Link the Goron’s Ruby, the Spiritual

Stone of Fire.

Later on, when Volvagia is eating the Gorons and imprisoning those he plans

to eat later, Darunia enters the Fire Temple and tries to fight Volvagia.

(Darmani has a similar encounter in Majora’s Mask, except Darunia survives.)

He fails, of course, but asks Link to give it a try in his stead. When he

Link does kill Volvagia and rids Death Mountain of its fiery ring (which

temporarily replaced the smoky one), Darunia awakens as the Sage of Fire and

stays at the Fire Temple to protect it and pray to the gods for Link’s

success.

In the seven years Link spends in suspended animation, Darunia somehow

produces a son and names him after Link, in honour of the Sworn Brother bond

they share.

=============================================================================

D a v i d J r.

Absconded workhorse

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

With the introduction of David Jr, Knuckle and Ankle, Tingle became a whole

lot creepier. He enlisted the labour of not only his little brothers but also

some person from NOBODY KNOWS WHERE to work ceaselessly churning the gears of

a giant lighthouse on a tiny island in the middle of the sea modelled to look

like a giant effigy of his own head stuck atop a totemless totem poll. Not

only did he do this, but he forced the trio to wear a uniform, that is, one

of the full-body-spandex-babysuit-plus-speedo things that he wears himself,

except that David Jr’s was white and brown where Tingle garbed himself in

green and red. For some reason, despite Link being the kind of guy who would

travel across an entire country on foot in order to pick a flower for some

guy to give to the girl he likes just because he doesn’t have the courage to

confess on his own power, open slavery seems to be A-ok in his books, because

he doesn’t due a thing to help the poor guy. Maybe David Jr just complains

too much and gets on the perpetually hardworking Link’s nerves. Try asking

nicely next time!

His role in The Minish Cap is a little less wretched: He sits atop a plateau

and offers to fuse Kinstone pieces. Doing so enough times with all four

members of the party opens up some super-secret stuff.

The identity of David Sr is unknown.

=============================================================================

D e k a d i n

Decadence

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

With official artwork not remotely resembling his in-game sprite, Dekadin

lives in a lightless house in Lynna City. He’s really negative and depressed

all the time, with no motivation or even the slightest inclination to go

outside or talk to anyone. In an effort to cheer him up (and, incidentally,

obtain the Noble Sword), Link tells him the Funny Joke. The humour is lost on

him, but, moved that someone would even make the effort, Dekadin offers Link

the Touching Book in thanks.

=============================================================================

D e k u R o y a l F a m i l y

Wooden monarchs

Race: Deku Scrubs

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Deku Scrubs have been consistently showing up as a variant of Octoroks since

Ocarina of Time, but only a handful have had real character, and only the

Deku Royal Family is worth mentioning. Unlike most of the major characters in

Majora’s Mask, they have no Ocarina of Time counterparts.

They reside in Deku Palace, which is accessible only by ferry since the

surrounding waters are poisonous. It is guarded by a number of patrolling,

three-leaved Scrubs who will throw you out if they find you someplace you

shouldn’t be.

The Deku King rules the Scrubs of Termina, but he seems to be a little

corrupt; he spends all three days punishing a monkey accused of kidnapping

his daughter, even though the only proof he has is a single eyewitness. He

has a number of pointy leaves for hair, carries a flowery sceptre, and

inexplicably has a giant red bulb growing out of his back. Uh...

The princess has, in actuality, been kidnapped by Skull Kid. Odolwa is

holding her in in Woodfall Temple, and Link rescues her when he defeats the

Mayan warrior. Somehow, she’s able to shrink herself small enough to fit

inside an empty Bottle, by which method Link transports her safely back to

the arms of her father. She smacks him for being stupid, too. She’s a little

more detailed than an ordinary scrub, and she has a ponytail made out of a

whip of leaves accented with pink flowers. The monkey accused of kidnapping

her is actually her best friend, Kiki.

They are both attended by their uppity English butler, who has two bushes

growing out of his head and a moustache made from pointed leaves. If Link is

able to keep up with him in a race, much like with Dampe in Ocarina, he wins

the Mask of Scents. He also has a son who has been frozen into a still tree,

and he cries at his feet in the closing cutscene. Oddly, this is Link’s

Terminian counterpart – the Deku Scrub he can transform into has no name, but

is clearly the Deku Butler’s Son! In fact, after winning the race he mentions

how much Link looks like his son, pretty much proving this theory.

=============================================================================

D e m o n T r a i n

Sentient steam engine

Race: Machine

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

We might be stretching the definition of ‘character’ a little far here, but

Spirit Tracks is so filled with rampant train fetishism that we might as well

indulge ourselves as well. An ancient legendary train of dark origins, the

Demon Train makes its mighty appearance almost as soon as the adventure

begins, trashing Link’s first train, which it totally outclasses, before

allowing Cole to make off with Zelda’s body. Man, I wish I had an

interdimensionally travelling train at my disposal. Or a car even, yeah that

would be nice too. It’s sort of creepy, by the way, because it has a face on

the front of the engine, which is how I figure it qualifies as a character.

The Demon Train serves as Cole’s (and, until his defection, Byrne’s) means of

transporation throughout Hyrule, though it’s really only seen again when it

appears to whisk the newly resurrected Malladus off to the Dark Realm. It

then appears in the first part of an epic four-part final battle, which is

the real reason I’m including it in the guide (so that I can detail the

entire thing, even if it is spread across way too many entries to be coherent

if you haven’t played the game.) This part, which come to think of it is

somewhat reminiscent of Jet Set Radio Future’s second-last boss, requires

Link to jet down a set of four parallel tracks at high speed in pursuit of

the Demon Train, which is firing upon him constantly. Link must fight back

with his own projectiles, changing speeds or tracks as necessary in order to

maintain the optimum position and avoid attacks. As his shots strike home,

the train begins to break down, losing first most of its weapons systems,

then its cargo hold, and finally the whole thing just going straight to hell.

A pain, but fun, and a great set piece. It then sits patiently while Link,

Zelda and Cole scurry around on top of it.

=============================================================================

D i n, N a y r u a n d F a r o r e

Creation story lynchpins

Race: Goddesses, or Hylians

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

Din, Nayru and Farore are, first and foremost, the legendary Three Goddesses

who figure into Hyrule’s creation story. They were briefly mentioned in the

instruction manual of A Link to the Past, but they weren’t even given names.

They were much expanded upon in several Ocarina of Time cutscenes and other

media, so I’ll summarise their contribution to the world here:

To begin with, the place Hyrule would occupy was a swirling mass of

raw...well...what do you even call something that doesn’t exist yet? Anyway,

the Three Goddesses descended upon whatever this was and sought to bring

order and life to it.

Din – Goddess of Power. Created and shaped the land.

Nayru – Goddess of Wisdom. Created science, wizardry and the arts.

Farore – Goddess of Courage. Created living things.

On the spot where they flew back to their angelic perches, they left a

physical symbol of their action. This way, their creations might learn from

them. It was three golden triangles, called the Triforce. Sounding familiar?

Not only did it exist physically, each piece of it was imprinted on a

particular person and his or her infinite reincarnations throughout the

years. But the Triforce has such a complex history, it could have its OWN

guide, so I won’t dig any deeper.

I could go into a hell of a lot more detail, of course, but everything else I

could tell you is not really of interest to the average reader. There are

plenty of other easily accessible resources if you’d like to learn more about

the Three Goddesses.

What’s interesting to me is that the Triforce of Power, the one Ganon has, is

often portrayed as the ‘best’ of the three. Meanwhile, Link’s, the Triforce

of Courage, tends to be positioned as subordinate to the other two. This

could have something to do with the order in which the Goddesses are

mentioned – Power, Wisdom, Courage. I don’t know. This is highly debatable, I

just find it to be an interesting interpretation.

They appeared as Hylians in the Oracle saga. Din was the eponymous Oracle of

Seasons, masquerading as a dancer in a troupe of performers. She was

kidnapped by Onox and thrown into a crystal. Nayru was the Oracle of Ages,

and a talented musician, but Veran possessed her body. Farore played a much

lesser role as the Oracle of Secrets found on the first floor of the Maku

Tree. Several times, Link received a secret in one game that had to be

brought to Farore in the other game. Doing so gave him upgraded equipment.

The goddesses are once again unnamed in The Wind Waker, but I might as well

mention them here. When the seal on Ganondorf’s Golden Realm prison started

to weaken, the goddesses drowned Hyrule so that he would never escape. He

still somehow found a way out, however, so it was all for nought. The point

is, they’re the reason Hyrule is underwater and The Wind Waker takes place on

the ocean.

Their Hylian versions reappeared in The Minish Cap. They shared a room at the

inn until Link performed a two-for-one act of good citizenship: He found Ingo

two tenants, and he found two of the ladies houses to live in. Only two,

though, and it was smartest to pick Din and Nayru (see? Farore once again

gets the shaft.) When Link talked to them in their new homes, they were so

pleased they presented him with a special artefact that would temporarily up

either his attack power, his defensive abilities, or both (but that last one

entailed a much lower bonus.)

Din is represented by red, Nayru is represented by blue, and Farore is

represented by green.

=============================================================================

D o c B a n d a m

Apothecary

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Doc Bandam is pretty cool. Clad in a long red jacket and protective goggles

that adorn his shaved head, he owns and operates the dimly lit and awesome

Chu Jelly Juice Shop on Windfall Island, where he spends every waking moment

mixing Chu Jelly elixirs and inventing new ones. Initially, all he has on

offer is Red Potion, but if you unload enough of your own collected Chu Jelly

on him, he’ll figure out how to mix Green and Blue Potions as well. That

makes him a sort of mixologist, doesn’t it? You can also give him some Chu

Jelly out of which he’ll make you a free Potion, too, I guess because he just

loves it so much. As we learn from a piece of incidental gossip, Doc Bandam

also makes the occasional research trip to the Chuchu-infested Pawprint Isle

to gather Chu Jelly, and probably to observe its effects. Excellent! I love a

character who can stand on their own two feet, as it were, and travelling to

other islands is a level of werwithal not many characters have in this

series.

=============================================================================

D o n G e r o

Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

I actually have my doubts that the Goron some sources claim is Don Gero

actually is that person, but why go against the flow. The more entries this

guide has, the more credibility it earns at a glance.

So we find ‘Don Gero’ in Snowhead shivering and stranded on a high ledge;

currently taking all bets as to how he got up there. As we know, fatigue and

hunger increase the effects of cold on the body, so our mission is to bring

him some tasty Rock Sirloin, which we get by lighting the braziers in Goron

City, playing the Goron’s Lullaby to the Elder’s son, and then rolling at

high speed, hopping off a jump and bashing through the chandelier, knocking

out the starving people’s only emergency food source. When we offer it to one

of that society’s least productive members, he rewards us with his green

teddy bear-like hat/mask thing.

Don Gero’s Mask allows us to confront five frogs who will then begin to

assemble at the foot of the ledge on which Don Gero has taken residence. This

is way more of a pain than its worth if you aren’t going for full hearts,

because the amphibians are scattered on completely opposite ends of Termina,

two of them deep in dungeons, and all you get for the trouble is a Heart

Piece. Since most people will end up missing one or two others anyway it’s

probably not worth it. I mean obviously I still did it...

‘Gero’ is Japanese for ‘ribbit,’ and a don was like some kind of mediaevel

aristocrat or something.

=============================================================================

D o n k u r u

Tingle’s best friend

Race: Dog

Appearances: Mogitate Chinkuru no Barairo Rupiirando

I hate dogs. Donkuru is a character from Tingle’s Japanese-only RPG, Mogitate

Tingle. And he’s a dog. When Tingle gets his new duds at the beginning of the

game, Donkuru dresses to match his owner. I don’t believe he has any kind of

practical in-game purpose, but then, does any part of that game have a

purpose, really? Does video gaming in general have a purpose? Does life?

=============================================================================

E e n i e a n d M e e n i e

Vegetable farmers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

With quite possibly the two worst names in the entire Zelda franchise, Eenie

and Meenie are some of those characters who would have been better off not

having been named, and not just because it would mean I wouldn’t have to

think up things to say about them. They own a nice vegetable farm in the

Eastern Hills, hence their profession, and have a close business relationship

with Brocco, who buys, processes and then sells all of their finest produce.

I’m not sure how this works since Brocco can’t be found anywhere in Hyrule

after the Picori Festival ends, but there you have it. Like 95% of the

otherwise useless characters in this game, Eenie is willing to fuse Kinstones

with you.

=============================================================================

E p o n a

Link’s trusty steed

Race: Purebred horse

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish

Twilight Princess

Link first met Epona as a child in Ocarina of Time, where he saw her at Lon

Lon Ranch. She would run away from him whenever he approached, afraid of him.

Malon, however, sung her a lullaby every night, which Link quickly learned to

play on the Ocarina. After he played Epona’s Song, the pony trusted him a

little more.

When he became an adult and learned that Ingo had taken over Lon Lon Ranch,

he found that he was horribly mistreating the animals. He had people pay to

ride the horses around their enclosure, which looked a little like an

equestrian course. Ingo recognized some natural horsemanship abilities in

Link and had him a race around the outside of the enclosure with 50 Rupees on

the line. When Link won, he had a second race with Epona’s ownership as the

prize. (Winning either of the races with one of the stock mares is

impossible; Ingo’s ride is just too fast.) He then tried to lock Link in, but

Epona’s amazing jumping abilities allowed her to clear the ranch walls with

ease. Ingo realised at the last moment that Link had been riding Epona, the

best of the bunch. He was quite jealous, because she threw HIM every time he

climbed into the saddle. After this, Link was able to summon her whenever he

was on Hyrule Field by playing Epona’s Song.

At the beginning of Majora’s Mask, Link is riding through Kokiri Forest

looking for Navi when Skull Kid ambushes him. He steals Epona and rides off

into a portal. Link finds she’s been taken to Romani Ranch, and he can’t

rescue her until almost halfway through the game. Skull Kid has blocked off

Milk Road with a rock, and the assigned worker takes two days to clear it;

Link must blow it up with a Powder Keg to clear it on the first day, from

which point he can take steps to liberate Epona. Oddly, he wasn’t able to

ride her in child form in Ocarina, but in Majora’s Mask this was the only

form he could ride her in. Of course, in the latter game she’s still a pony,

which is kind of interesting.

Epona cameos briefly at the beginning of Oracle of Seasons, where Link is

seen riding her towards the not-yet-sunken Temple of Seasons. No, wait – come

to think of it, maybe it was Hyrule Castle...?

She played a part in Four Swords Adventures as well, where players could

briefly ride her by collecting a carrot item, extending their time by

collecting further carrots (which were usually arranged in a path for this

purpose.) The Links could trample each other and collect the Force Gems that

the stomped ones dropped. Epona was also the focus of Bucking Bronco, part of

the Tingle’s Tower collection of minigames. This was a flat-out race that

raged on both screens.

Epona is basically a beast of burden in The Minish Cap. Her main purpose is

to haul shipments of Lon Lon Milk between the ranch and Hyrule Castle Town.

Her role was greatly expanded in Twilight Princess, though she was still

basically playing a bit part. She worked with Link at Ordon ranch, herding

goats, before being abducted by Bokoblins. Link later rescues her in Kakariko

Village. His childhood friend Ilia seems to be very fond of Epona, but the

noble beast still prefers her master. Late in the game, Ilia gives Link the

horse call; this allows him to summon Epona from just about anywhere, whereas

before he could only do this at specific places. In Twilight, Link’s mounted

combat options were greatly expanded; no longer limited to the bow, he could

attack with his sword and various dungeon items, plus ram into enemies and

trample them under Epona’s hooves.

When Link takes on his wolf form in Twilight, he can speak to animals. I

didn’t expect it to work, but it turns out Epona has this to say: ‘Even

though you change shape, I still understand you. Link...Hurry up and return

to your true self...’

On top of the obvious advantage of being a lot faster than walking, in all

her appearances except Twilight Princess, riding Epona grants Link

invincibility.

She is named after Epona, the goddess of horses, donkeys and mules in Celtic

polytheism.

=============================================================================

E r r o r

HTTP 404: File Not Found

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

A blacksmith from Ruto Town who when first spoken to merely announces ‘I am

Error.’ A little later, another character references him, at which point his

dialogue changes to ‘South of the Palace is a tunnel.’ Uh...the only reason

he’s here, actually, is because of the name.

=============================================================================

E z l o

Larger than life

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

The Minish are a race of inch-high people who live amongst the Hylia without

them ever knowing. There are several Minish settlements throughout Hyrule,

but they are by far most concentrated at Minish Village in the Minish Woods.

Ezlo was originally a great Minish wizard. One day, his apprentice, Vaati,

lusting for power, turned on him and transformed him into a hat.

In his normal form, he wears a blue robe, carries a staff and wears the red

hat typical of the Forest Minish. Transfigured, Ezlo is the spitting image of

Link’s famous green cap, except that instead of a point it has his head and

birdlike beak. Uh...right. In this state, Ezlo can barely crawl, and is

easily attacked by local Octoroks. Link rescues him and he affixes to Link’s

head, then directs him to Minish Village. Ezlo still retains some of his

magical ability in this form, enough to change size at will. Ezlo is the

lynchpin on which sits the focal gimmick of his game: Switching between the

tiny Minish size and the customary Hylian size.

Ezlo has two other functions, which are providing general advice and

billowing out to allow Link to glide on the wind. He kind of serves a similar

purpose to Tatl, in that he speaks at times you would expect Link to. His

dialogue is the best in the game, if that means anything.

At the end of the game, when he, Link and Zelda defeat Vaati, the Minish Door

closes. From his choice of words, it sounds like he is only able to go

between sizes when the Door is open. That would make sense, considering the

Minish Door being open is supposedly what allows the Hylians and Minish to

briefly mingle. Even if that’s not the case, it’s unlikely that we’ll be

seeing Ezlo again, so give him a round of applause as he bids us adieu.

=============================================================================

F a c a d e

Face of Evil

Race: Demon

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

Although next to nothing is known about Facade, he’s kind of an intriguing

character due to his knowledge of the actual situation surrounding Koholint.

As far as I can remember he’s the only character on the entire island who has

any idea that everything around them is more (or rather, less) than it seems.

Facade guards the Coral Triangle, the holy prize of Level 6, Face Shrine. The

battle is a little different; it sees you dodging fireballs, slaying mites,

and running from a hole in the floor that tracks your every move. Viewed from

a real-life perspective, that last one is more than a little creepy. Anyway,

the secret to damaging him is to detonate a Bomb right on top of his smug

mug, at which point the pain will make him snap and he’ll go berserk for a

bit, after which point you’ll repeat the process. Upon his defeat he’ll utter

these chilling words:

‘Okay, listen up! If the Wind Fish wakes up, everything on this island will

be gone forever! And I do mean...EVERYTHING!’

The tableaus at the Dream Shrine and Southern Face Shrine said as much, but

Facade explicitly spells it out for you. Over the course of the game, we’ve

gone from ‘Off we go to wake the Wind Fish!’ to ‘You sure you really want to?

Maybe here isn’t so bad, you know?’ to ‘If you do, you’re going to kill

hundreds of innocent people.’ Facade’s death provided just enough of an

answer to prompt a slew of further questions, and left you with lingering

doubts tugging at the back of your mind even as you forged ever onward on

your journey. Anybody who feels nostalgia for the days when a game didn’t

need million-dollar FMVs to garner emotional involvement is right.

However, using his immense powers of awesomeness Facade transcended not only

his own death, but also that of the entire plane of existence that had

originally given him life, reappearing in Oracle of Seasons against all odds,

probably because he was a unique fight and they figured they might as well

make use of some of the sprites and programming already at their disposal. I

prefer to take it as evidence of Facade’s badassery, though, even if he was

demoted to mini-boss. Oh, and although he doesn’t say anything very important

or interesting he still talks here, which I forgot to mention is an

incredible rarity among Zelda bosses or any Nintendo bosses, really, and

which singlehandedly makes Facade a medal-winner right from the start.

Note 1: Every time I write ‘Facade,’ Word wants to automatically give the ‘c’

a cedilla, which I then have to manually remove because GameFAQs’s ASCII-only

format will make it appear weirdly. It’s as bad as having to take out each

and every automatically capitalized ‘I’ in character namespaces. You’ll never

realise how often the I”s show up in names until you write a character guide,

unless you make the smart decision to find a better way of making things

searchable and appealing than putting s p a c e s in all the profile titles.

Note 2: When I called him a demon I wasn’t BS’ing, even if I do it at other

places in the guide. This one I’m pretty sure I read somewhere, although that

may be a product of my imagination.

Note 3: So yeah, if you were not born in a country where basic knowledge of

French is assumed, Facade just means face. Nowadays it has a connotation of

falsehood, and is also commonly used in architecture to describe the ‘front’

part of a building. Flying balistrodes or something, I think I read that in

The Fountainhead.

=============================================================================

F a d o

Androgynous sage

Race: Kokiri

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Wind Waker

Twilight Princess

Damn, is Fado ever irritating.

Fado first appeared in Kokiri Forest. I remember seeing her as child Link. As

I recall, she was a girl with two bulbous blonde knobs of hair. Her fairy, I

believe, was blue. Actually, her very existence is fancruft: Only the most

dedicated fan of Ocarina of Time, who scoured every last resource delving far

deeper into the game than was necessary, would ever come across the evidence

stating her name. When spoken to, even later on in the game, she said

something inconsequential.

She was absent for some time, then reappeared in The Wind Waker. As a guy.

I don’t know who screwed this one up. My money is on Nintendo of America’s

localization department. But when I heard (?) Fado’s name in Waker, I was

delighted, until I found out that somebody had horribly mangled the

character.

Not only is Fado a dude now, he’s also a ghost because Ganondorf somehow

killed him while still inside the Golden Realm. His apparel has changed as

well, obviously, as he’s donned pants and a short cap in place of boyshorts

(O_o she’s ten) and a bare head. This Fado is also the Sage of Winds, and

Makar’s ancient ancestor. I’m not sure how a creature originally associated

with the Forest became associated with the Winds, but it is notable that Link

in The Wind Waker is the Hero of Winds, and Link in Ocarina of Time grew up

among the Kokiri.

Hold on a moment - Brie Fusaro tells me that The Wind Waker Official Player’s

Guide, Fado is actually referred to as a guy in one instance, and as a girl

in another. Ugh.

Anyway, Fado is also associated with the Wind God’s Aria, the second half of

The Wind Waker’s theme, and after being awakened at the Wind Temple he helps

power up the Master Sword so that it is strong enough to defeat Ganondorf.

It gets weirder. All ambiguity is thrown to the winds as Twilight Princess’s

Fado is most definitely a guy. And a big, burly, goat-herding country bumpkin

of a guy at that. Supposedly, he helps Link run Ordon Ranch and takes over

when Link leaves on his quest to save Hyrule. Unfortunately, Fado is terrible

at farming and can’t even control his own livestock. They have a tendency to

ignore him when he tries to bring them in for the night and sometimes they

escape when he’s not looking, forcing Link to wrestle them to the ground

before they get away. All in all, not a whole lot of help, and an individual

who makes the whole Fado character even more hermaphroditic than before.

=============================================================================

F a n a d i

Best fortune-teller in this series

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Twilight Princess’s Hyrule Castle Town is one heck of a busy place; in fact,

it’s probably the most sprawling, populous, active conurbation in the entire

series. It’s also quite dense, not just with bodies but with points of

interest as well. One of those is Fanadi the fortune-teller, who, for a

nominal fee of 10 Rupees, will give you insight on either your ‘career’ (your

next quest destination...questination) or ‘love’ life (undiscovered Pieces of

Heart). Unlike certain others, such as Astrid, she fails to suck at life, and

her predictions are much clearer than those of her compatriots. And in an

especially cool touch that really puts her over the top, rather than just

telling you with words, she shows you a sort of vision - a little panning

shot of the area you’re to head off to. She has a pretty atypical fashion

sense, too, as compared to what we’re used to seeing with Nintendo. Guess

that sort of goes along with TP’s aesthetic.

The first thing I notice with Fanadi’s name is that (at least with my

[possibly incorrect] pronunciation) is that it rhymes with vanity, which

suits her sort of not really, but others have pointed out that the syllables

are derived from FArore, NAyru, and DIn, possibly revealing a connection to

them or to the Spirits of Ordona, Lanayru, Faron, and Eldin. Perhaps that’s

where she draws her foresight from?

=============================================================================

F e r r u s

Densha Otoko

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Ferrus is to trains what Winry Rockbell is to automail, which is to say he’s

about as passionate an enthusiast as one could find. He lives in a trailer at

Wellspring Station, but he’s almost never there, constantly riding the rails

in search of trains to photograph on a seemingly perpetual day off. Link

encounters Ferrus quite a number of times, and he is only too happy to help

him out with information, maps and anything else he can provide. Later on, he

even gets to ride in the Spirit Train as a passenger, which pretty much makes

his lifetime. This is also where his tendency to use txt msg shorthand and

other ‘nerdy’ phrases really shows itself, as he yells ‘Woot!’ (not even

‘w00t’...) whenever Link does something correctly. At other times, he usually

confines himself to ‘OMG,’ though sometimes in a very large font size. These

Ferrus-carrying missions entail receiving a letter from him with an extremely

nondescript photo attached; by examining it, Link is to determine where

Ferrus is hanging out these days and head there to pick him up. He’ll then

toss out a destination and we’re off to the races.

The first one is a quick jaunt to Aboda Village so that Ferrus can meet

Alfonzo, whom he idolizes deeply as a Master Engineer. Alfonzo was once known

as a legendary swordsman, but Ferrus insists his reputation was actually for

being a legendary train conductor. He’s obsessed; love it. In another one, he

wants to go see the Ocean Temple for himself, which was certainly anger-

inducing, because getting there requires you to drive around underwater for

like an hour, and if you do everything in the game you’ll have to do it about

seven times, making it all the more aggravating. But he’s a good kid, and one

of the most likeable (and identifiable ^^;) Zelda characters in recent

memory, so I forgive him.

=============================================================================

F l u t e B o y

Talent show favourite

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

A Kakariko Village native, the fanon-flaunting Flute Boy had gained a sturdy

reputation even in his youth, fascinating onlookers with the apparent ability

to communicate with animals using a small blue flute. He even had a pet bird

that flew with him everywhere. In time, however, he heard the rumours of the

Golden Power and set off to get his commoner’s hands on it. His motivations

aren’t exactly clear, but since nobody in Kakariko is mad at him or anything,

he must have either been merely misguided or had some community-oriented

altruistic purpose in mind; I like to believe he was questing for his

terminally ill girlfriend. He set off for Death Mountain, made his way into

what was once the Golden Land, and promptly found himself in dangerous

territory and unable to travel back. As happens to everyone who wanders in

without satisfying certain conditions (either consummate knowledge, a balance

of all three Trifroce influences, or possession or use of a Moon Pearl), his

body also took on the form of his true heart, in his case a robed goblin-like

creature. Under constant attack from Ganon’s minions and other malcontents

that had sprung up in the no-longer-sacred realm, he managed to take refuge

in the Haunted Grove.

When Link stumbles upon him in the midst of his Hyrulean explorations, it is

in the form of what have to be more or less taken as psychic emanations;

Flute Boy, jubilantly dancing atop a stump, seems to be holding regular

concerts for his fuzzy compatriots, using the Flute to broadcast a pirate

signal across worlds. This is an ability Link certainly never displays

(though it’s possible he chooses not to or we just don’t witness the effects,

but we can’t be sure), suggesting Flute Boy has a much greater mastery over

the item than Link ever attains, which is logical enough considering it

belongs to him. Flute Boy’s tunic and hat are nicely representative of what

we would imagine as Hyrulean youth fashion, although his hairstyle is a

little ‘can I see your other eye.’ Everybody seems to be having a grand time,

but as soon as Link draws near, everybody freaks out, the animals skitter

off, and Flute Boy himself mysteriously fades into nothingness.

Correctly guessing that, as seems to have become a pattern in his life

lately, the answer to this phenomenon lies in the Dark World, Link moves to

investigate and does indeed find Flute Boy standing on precisely the same

spot in the parallel dimension. Flute Boy has become quite depressed by his

condition, and asks if Link can help him fulfill his one and only wish: To be

reunited with his beloved instrument, which is actually still somewhere in

the Light World (which might, come to think of it, explain why he was able to

transcend boundaries and why he ended up in Haunted Grove in particular.)

After agreeing to help him, Link gets the Shovel, which right there is a

pretty sweet deal. After warping to the Light World grove, destroying the

idyllic field, and recovering the Flute, Link eagerly heads back through his

portal only to find that what was a stump in the Light World is a creepy

sapling in the Dark World. Also, it’s Flute Boy. Somehow his transformation

went several steps further while our backs were turned. Grateful, Flute Boy

asks for one more refrain, and then, if I remember this correctly, stiffens

into a braindead shell.

His last request was for Link to return the Flute to his father in Kakariko,

but the old-timer promptly pays it forward to Flute Boy’s old pigeon, who got

real sad when he could not follow his master into the unknown, and as a

result landed on his hometown weathervane and turned to stone. Hearing the

call to attention, the fowl breaks free of its self-sentenced imprisonment

and promptly becomes quite upset with Link for making him think that Flute

Boy had returned, but, as a number of unsettlingly intelligent animals do in

this series, realises that he can do something to help in the fight against

evil, and Link not only retains the Flute and comes into an easy way to

obliterate Pols Voices, but immediately gains the ability to summon the bird

at any time to fly him to any of eight locations across the map, including an

area he couldn’t access before. (So you can see that first we get the

Whistle, now the Flute - called the Ocarina in the original Japanese - and

later on, the Ocarina and then a slew of others; it’s kind of an interesting

progression.)

Happily, as a result of Link’s wish to the Triforce to undo all the damage

caused by Ganon’s ambition, Flute Boy is seen in the credits reunited with

his father, and all is well.

=============================================================================

F r e e d l e

Hippy

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Oh wow. This guy, I mean, he’s a little bit scary, and I think I’d O_o a bit

if I saw him on the street, but he’s a pretty cool cat all in all. He’s got

some sweet round shades that are indeed straight out of the 70’s, a totally

awesome hibiscus-laden hat, a striped turtleneck, a dorky haircut, and a

massive tubular canister affixed to his back, all decked out in psychadelic

colours of the gnarliest order. Just like an environmental activist from an

overhyped television show, he carries his acoustic guitar with him

everywhere. Or maybe it’s a banjo, but whatever the case he spends all his

time strumming it in a secluded little spot on northeast Mercay Island. If

you speak to him and can sift through his radical verbiage, he’ll help you

enter Tag Mode to trade Ship Parts and other treasures over Nintendo WFC.

Some people have speculated that he is related to Beedle, but aside from his

similar name and nose there’s nothing whatsoever to suggest that he is, and

Nintendo is usually good about making obvious allusions when this stuff

happens so that those of who pay close attention can work it out :) So nah,

I’m saying no relation, he’s just another soul trying to make it in this

crazy, mixed-up world we call capitalist society.

=============================================================================

F u z o

Floorsweeper

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Master Eddo’s apprentice, Fuzo is presumably learning the art of the mechanic

and how to manufacture, fine-tune and repair all manner of delicate yet

powerful contraptions. When we meet him, though, he doesn’t seem to be doing

any of those things. Instead, he’s watching the shop while Eddo sits in the

back room hard at work on his latest project. Although he never does much of

anything useful, he does open up a side-door so that Link can access pretty

much the entirety of Cannon Island, eventually coming up to Master Eddo’s

door so that he can place an order. Now listen, I’ve held back up to now, but

Phantom Hourglass’s islands have some pretty lame names. CANNON Island? And

they make cannon there? That’s a bit much of a coincidence. And the Isle of

Ember? Sounds like something I’d make up when I was 8 and obsessed with

Charmander’s Ember attack. ‘Hey guys, what do we call this snowy island? Snow

Island?’ ‘No way man, call it the Isle of FROST! It backwards AND uses

awesomely awesome word!’ ‘D00d no wai u too original bro! :D’

=============================================================================

F y e r a n d F a l b i

Entrepreneurs

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Fyer and Falbi’s Watertop Land of Fantastication is a very sly business

venture located at Lake Hylia. Both men are quite jolly, and Fyer appears to

have a wen. Both dress like carnies, or maybe clowns, which is sort of the

point. Fyer, a cannon enthusiast, fires Link out of his giant cannon for a

mere 10 Rupees, which rockets him up to Falbi’s high position near the Great

Hylia Bridge. From here, the participant can then pay Falbi 20 Rupees to grab

a Cucco and float slowly down to the water, hopefully to the Isle of Riches,

a man-made island on which they have placed a number of Rupee-filled treasure

chests. Only one chest gets refilled on future attempts; the rest are

oneshots. From this platform, one can return to Fyer’s portion of the game by

a log bridge from the Isle to his shack. If you do well, you can earn 70

Rupees each run. Quite an original mini-game, if you ask me.

Fyer twice helps advance your quest. Auru, one of Telma’s boys, once saved

his life, and Auru calls him on that debt. Fyer agrees to help Link enter the

Desert Province, which in Twilight era is adjacent to the Lake, again by

firing him out of the cannon. Later on, Link finds an even bigger cannon that

can fire him up to the City in the Sky, which Fyer repairs at a cost of 300

Rupees.

This is a stretch, but Fyer may be a play on ‘fly’ (or ‘flyer,’ as in, one

who flies, not those annoying ads you get in the mail) and Falbi may be a

play on ‘fall.’

=============================================================================

G a b o r a a n d Z u b o r a

Awesome dudes

Race: Hylian and...um.

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Gabora and Zubora run the Mountain Smithy in Snowhead, which is a strange

name for a place, considering it was in perpetual spring before Skull Kid and

Goht made it snowy. Unless Termina and Hyrule and such all have full seasonal

systems and we just don’t see them, which would make sense come to think of

it. Plus we actually see this in action in Holodrum. So ANYWAY, they work in

a hut near Goron City, which mainly consists of a front desk, a table, and a

forge. The pair are members of a very elite club in the Zelda universe, being

makers of swords. Ok, so it’s not THAT elite; I guess they just kind of

interest me as a group.

Zubora, who seems to manage the business while Gabora does all the real work,

would be a true blue-collar type of guy if he had a collar, which he doesn’t.

He does, however, have blue overalls, which prominently display his nipples,

as well as a white sort of cap thing that rounds the top of his head in a

nice contrast to his Hylian ears and impressive goatee. He also seems to

drink a lot of what would ostensibly be coffee, except that it’s a sort of

bluish-yellow, and has really sallow skin as well as a small, pointed

moustache.

Gabora is slightly more interesting, looking like Frankenstein’s monster if

he were into S&M. Twice the height of a normal man, he makes good use of his

monstrous strength to swing a suitably huge hammer, the one that will shape

your blade. You can feel confident entrusting it to him; it’s in good hands.

The process of upgrading your sword in Majora’s Mask is a touch complex, but

only because the steps you go through all have to be done within a single

three-day period. First, you have to give up your Kokiri Sword for

‘sharpening,’ which, after you leave it overnight, turns it into the Razor

Sword, which is considerably more powerful and appears in much of the game’s

official artwork, but lasts for only 100 uses before dulling back to the

Kokiri Sword. We’re measuring things by number of uses now? What is this,

Fire Emblem? Anyway, you can either just wait or, if you feel confident

enough to take a two-minute walk while braving the horrors that are White

Wolfos, you can head straight for the Goron Racetrack, where you must assume

Goron form, talk to the Elder’s son (I guess this means you have to play the

lullaby for him first, too) and then win the race. So we have Beaver

Brothers, the Deku Butler and the Goron Racetrack - did anybody else ever

notice this game’s fascination with racing? This is the most fun one, since

bombing a hill while covered in spikes and destroying everything in your path

is rather cathartic, although it is irksome that the other competitors can

knock you around so easily when you’re in the body of supposedly the

strongest Goron warrior who ever lived. When you win the race you get some

Gold Dust in a Bottle, a sweet prize indeed; take the powdery stuff back to

the Mountain Smithy, receive your Razor Sword, and then pass it back along

with the Gold Dust. Zubora will be pretty startled by this turn of events but

quite pleasantly surprised because you’ll be investing more money in them.

After one more night, Gabora will have transformed your weapon into the

Golden Sword, something we haven’t seen since A Link to the Past, the second-

most powerful sword in the game (the most powerful being that of the Fierce

Deity’s Mask). This one is permanent, too, with unlimited uses (Prf), and

will even stay when you begin the three-day cycle anew.

=============================================================================

G a n o n

The physical manifestation of evil

Race: Gerudo

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

The Adventure of Link

A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

Twilight Princess

Hoo boy. Ganon(dorf) is one awesome villain. The fiend has risen again and

again to attempt to conquer Hyrule, whose inherent magical qualities are so

strong he would effectively rule all existence if he were to succeed.

Fortunately, it is his destiny to be perpetually thwarted. Ganon is the one

character whom we KNOW is the same guy again and again, even when he shows up

in games that take place hundreds of years apart. His longevity, apparently,

is part of the effects of the Triforce of Power.

This is also the cause of his appearance later in life; Triforce lore

dictates that if one possesses the Triforce of Power without the Triforce of

Wisdom, one will begin to morph and take on a pig-like form. Nintendo seems

to differentiate between these two by referring to him in ‘human’ form as

Ganondorf, and ‘giant pig’ form as Ganon. I list him as Ganon because he

makes way more appearances in giant pig form than human one. He’s alternately

been called Mandrag Ganon (in A Link to the Past’s manual; it supposedly

means Ganon of the Enchanted Thieves) and Ganondorf Dragmire (in Ocarina of

Time, which I assume is an invention of Nintendo of America as a variant on

Mandrag.)

He makes his debut in pig form, of course, and as a pretty lame final boss.

He had a sort of bluish hue, and would move invisibly around the boss

chamber, pausing periodically to become briefly visible and toss fireballs at

Link. After four hits from the Magical Sword, he turned brown, at which point

a single shot from the Bow and Silver Arrow would reduce him to a pile of

dust. On second thought, that was pretty sophisticated for 8-bit. I can

imagine how frustrating it was to program. Story-wise, he was trying to get

that all-important Triforce of Wisdom from Zelda, who broke it and hid the

pieces.

Being that he was dead, during Zelda II his minions tried to resurrect him

with the blood of the one who vanquished him. If Link lost all his lives, a

victorious chuckle sounded and Ganon’s silhouette appeared on the Game Over

screen, because they had succeeded. That was the full extent of his

contributions. However, he made quite a resurgence for A Link to the Past,

wherein he brilliantly possessed Agahnim and used him as his pawn as he

schemed to escape the Dark World. Oddly, he didn’t actually himself appear in

Ganon’s Tower; instead, there was a second battle with Ganon assuming Agahnim

form. Defeated, Ganon transformed into a bat, crashed through the roof of the

Pyramid of Power, and showed his true form, which was basically an enhanced

version of his original appearance. He added a few new attacks to his

repertoire this time around, including collapsing parts of the floor, sending

off volleys of Fire Keese and, notably, throwing around a trident. That

trident also appeared when the Nightmares mimicked Ganon at the end of Link’s

Awakening.

In the prequel adventure Ocarina of Time, he is actually seen several times.

Link glimpses him in his dream from the opening cinema, from the Hyrule

Castle courtyard when the Gerudo monarch sweet-talks Zelda’s daddy, when the

dream plays itself out and he conquers Hyrule Castle Town, and in the final

battle. Ganon devises another brilliant scheme, as he desires the four keys

that will unlock the Door of Time which leads to the Triforce. Gathering them

by force proves to be impossible, but he leads Link on and allows him to

gather them for him. When Link opens the Door, Ganondorf jumps in and lays

hands on the Triforce. The Triforce, being an inanimate object, does not know

good from evil and only grants his wish of taking over Hyrule. There is just

enough resistance to stop him there for the time being, and Link spends the

rest of the game gaining enough power to fight back. Most other games depict

him as a power-hungry villain, but this time he’s shown to be a genius

scholar who simply took it too far. Nice humanization.

Interestingly, his main attack in this incarnation was similar to Agahnim’s:

He threw magical orbs which had to be deflected to shock him, at which point

he could be stunned with Light Arrows and finally damaged with the Master

Sword. When this form was over, there was a brief escape sequence, after

which he used the Triforce of Power to transform into the monstrous Ganon.

His tail was his only weak point, but he could be stunned by shooting him in

the head with Light Arrows. Link temporarily lost the Master Sword after

taking a particularly heavy hit, the only weapon that could do anything more

than superficial damage to Ganon, but Zelda retrieved it and was able to

return it to him halfway through the fight. When defeated, he reverted to

Ganondorf form and promised vengeance. He looked pissed, too. Oh, and

‘Phantom Ganon’ was the boss of the Forest Temple, which involved him flying

out of portraits on horseback and the same game of tennis Link played with

Agahnim.

He also appeared in the Oracle saga, but I doubt very many people reached

him. To fight him, one had to beat either game, beat a password-linked game,

and defeat the ensuing Twinrova battle. No mean feat. Here, Ganon revealed

that he was orchestrating the actions of Onox and Veran from behind the

scenes. Defeating him was the same old song (but it’s a different

meaning...), except that he was now able to transport players to a strange

blue room in which the controls were reversed. He was quite thick-skinned

here, too, as only the Master Sword or Biggoron’s Sword even scratched him

unless he was dealt a Spin Attack.

His next incarnation, in The Wind Waker, is my favourite. He is shown three

times. Once, his face isn’t even shown, once, he tries to attack the good

guys from the top of Forsaken Fortress but is ambushed, and then he gets a

long cutscene before Link fights him. Here, it seems he has mellowed over the

hundreds of years since his Ocarina defeat, and he is portrayed in a much

more sympathetic light. He’s grown a wicked beard, and he’s quite a

philosophical fellow. When he extracts Link’s and Zelda’s pieces of the

Triforce, he is very careful not to hurt them, whereas before he would

probably have just killed them.

He is also the coolest final boss in any video game, ever. Link and Zelda

tag-team as he attacks with dual swords. First, Link must parry Ganondorf’s

attacks, rolling behind him to slash at his back. Zelda jumps in at the same

time Ganondorf figures out how to block the parry attacks, and she takes up

Link’s Hero’s Bow and fires Light Arrows at Ganondorf, damaging him. After a

bit, Ganondorf gets annoyed and knocks her out, and Link is on his own until

she wakes. When she does, well, being a genius, Ganondorf’s been working on

how he’ll block her Light Arrows even as he fought. Zelda is no idiot either

though, and formulates a desperate gambit and starts to fire AT LINK! Link

uses the Mirror Shield to deflect her shots at Ganondorf, finishing him off.

Hasta la vista. (I don’t even know what that means.)

This game poses a few interesting things to look at. For one thing, Forsaken

Fortress is clearly Gerudo Fortress taken over by Moblins, so it’s fitting

that Ganondorf would return to his old base of operations and retrofit it

with new-age contrivances. Next, the Three Goddesses first allowed him to be

sealed inside the Golden Land. This didn’t work, so when the seal weakened

they flooded Hyrule in torrential rains to keep him locked in. Somehow, he

still escaped! Think about this - they drowned an entire country just to

contain him and he STILL couldn’t be stopped! How badass is that!? Lastly, in

the ending cutscene, Link stabs him in the head and loses the Master Sword in

the process as Ganondorf’s body turns to stone. And yet he appears in later

games. Dude.

The Wind Waker also had a Puppet Ganon as one of three bosses leading up to

Ganondorf himself. This one required Link to sever its marionette strings

with the Boomerang and then attack its weak tail. It was a more interesting

fight than it sounds.

His inclusion in Four Swords Adventures is a little cheap, in my opinion. He

shows up in the end with almost zero foreshadowing, in the Palace of Winds no

less, a place where he shouldn’t even be. The only thing noteworthy about

that battle is the Four Swords twist on it, and the fact that Zelda is mildly

involved in it. It’s pathetically easy, too. Furthermore, I’m not entirely

comfortable with the retcons this game introduces. It states that Ganondorf

was born and raised in a town of the Zuna in the Desert of Doubt. The who in

the where? Yeah. The Desert of Doubt includes a colossal Pyramid that

originally housed a giant trident, until Ganon pilfered it and made it his

signature weapon. So there’s your new origin story. I’m not even sure whether

or not to trust it, considering the game was made by Capcom.

I’m not actually sure he was originally intended to be in Twilight Princess,

but if not he was integrated very well, so I’m glad he did. It’s a little

confusing, though. We see four nameless Sages ready to execute Ganondorf, who

has a crazy new hairstyle, in front of the Mirror of Twilight at the

Arbiter’s Grounds prison. He is wounded badly, but using the Triforce of

Power he escapes his bonds, kills one of the Sages and escapes. This is cool,

but when exactly did it take place? Oh well. He goes into hiding for a while

and starts to feed off the Twili’s hatred for the Hylians, regaining strength

from this. Eventually he manipulates their self-proclaimed king into helping

him achieve his goals.

And I raved about Waker’s final boss battle. Well, Twilight’s is pretty cool

too, so it deserves a close look. It begins with Ganondorf possessing Zelda’s

currently soulless body and attacking Link with it. This is quite cool

because he uses the sword we’ve seen Zelda holding in all the concept art. We

play the usual hit-the-ball-of-energy-back-at-Ganondorf thing, and he fights

back with sword lunges and magical assaults, and then he transforms into

Ganon. Our customary pig form, that is. This is a unique version in that he’s

on all fours and doesn’t carry a weapon. After stunning him with an arrow and

attacking the place where the Sages wounded him (his weak spot), Link takes

on his wolf form and uses Midna’s giant orange hand to wrestle him into

submission, then attack with his fangs. Looks like the mighty beast has

fallen for good, but this is Ganondorf we’re talking about. We’re transported

outside and Ganondorf takes to horse as Link and Zelda fight him from Epona.

Zelda fires Light Arrows to stun him and Link rides up and delivers a follow-

up slash. After a few rounds of this, Ganondorf draws the sword that wounded

him so long ago – it’s made of pure light - and he and Link go toe-to-toe in

a no-holds-barred sword battle. He’s almost as skilled here as in Waker, but

has more of an emphasis on raw physical power over Waker incarnation’s

finesse. Eventually, Link drives the Master Sword into his vulnerable wound,

ending this epic four-stage struggle.

He’s also a playable character in Super Smash Bros Melee and Brawl, but

there’s not much to say about that. He’s one of the clone characters, meaning

he shares most of the moves of another character (in this case, Captain

Falcon) but has some different traits. He’s pretty heavy and slow, but

powerful. Last I checked, he was Mid-Tier in Melee, and very nearly the

absolute worst-rated character in Brawl.

=============================================================================

G e n e r a l O n o x

Bombad general

Race: Uh...Iron Knuckle?

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Strangely, even though he is the ultimate boss your first time through Oracle

of Seasons, he really only plays a bit part. On the other hand, he does set a

great game in motion. Although Ganon, a supremely powerful magician, sets his

sights on Hyrule, Onox’s goals are not so lofty. Instead, he’s willing to

start with the smaller and relatively inconsequential Holodrum. Of course, we

later learn that Ganon is manipulating him from behind the scenes to further

his own ends.

Onox starts by capturing Din, the Oracle of Seasons, and setting her in a

giant crystal (much like Ganondorf did to Zelda in Ocarina of Time.) He then

sinks the Temple of Seasons into Subrosia, the subterranean land beneath

Holodrum, and disables its four towers. Without either of those two forces to

govern them, Holodrum’s seasons spin wildly out of control, threatening to

rip the realm apart.

Luckily, Link recovers the Rod of Seasons and retrieves eight elements of

Gaia, then faces Onox head-on. To begin, Onox is covered in a heavy suit of

armour, greatly resembling an Iron Knuckle. He swings around a giant ball and

chain, much like a Ball and Chain Soldier. After being damaged a little, he

has Din’s crystal rotate around him as yet another layer of armour, but Link

bats it out of the way with the Rod of Seasons. Finally, he transforms into

an immense Chinese-ish dragon that spits fireballs and slaps Link around.

Link must jump onto his hands and then glide over to his head to hit the

jewel there with his sword. After a few hits to this jewel, Onox goes away

for good.

=============================================================================

G e n t a r i

All-knowing elder

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Gentari is the elder of Minish Village and by extension the effective leader

of all Minish in Hyrule. After Link masters the Minish language by scarfing

down the Jabber Nut, he, Gentari and Ezlo have a nice conversation about the

impending destruction of everything they know and love, as well as possible

countermeasures. Combining their respective knowledge of ancient lore,

Gentari and Ezlo determine that the best course of action is to obtain the

four elements, of whose locations Gentari is luckily well aware and able to

pass onto the heroes. The first happens to be out back behind his house. The

others are not quite so easily obtained. Moustachioed, Gentari wears the red

hat of the Forest Minish but dons the tan robes of an elder rather than the

forest green jerkin of his comrades. He has a brother living in the Hyrule

Town Library, Librari.

=============================================================================

G o l d e n C h i e f C y l o s

Frogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Race: Lesser Deity

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Cylos is a giant, moustachioed, golden frog who resides on the Uncharted

Island in the fourth quadrant of the Ocean King’s waters. To access his cave,

Link must first map out the island, walking around its entire perimeter and

sketching its general shape down onto his Sea Chart (using the DS’s touch

screen), along with a few other features of interest. Following this, the

Uncharted Island reveals itself to be in the shape of a whale, after which

the cryptic clues offered make a lot more sense and Link is able to determine

the correct order in which to hit the island’s four switches. Upon dong so,

the mysterious cave at the centre of the island opens up and Link enters, and

promptly finds himself greeted by Golden Chief Cylos.

As a fellow light-aligned deity, Cylos is good friends with the Ocean King

and wants to see him do well. To that end, he offers Link the only real

assistance he has to offer, the Cyclone Slate. Much like the operations of

the similarly named Zephos and Cyclos from The Wind Waker (who were also

lesser deities who took the form of giant frogs), this little piece of

gnarliness allows Link to instaneously warp across the map from anywhere at

any time, provided certain conditions have been met. In Hourglass, this means

encountering one of the Six Golden Frogs spread unevenly across the oceanic

quadrants, shooting it with the cannon in order to get its attention and

befriend it, and learning its particular symbol. Once he has it down, he can

call up the slate at any time when aboard the S.S. Linebeck, scratch out a

quick pattern, and be lifted into the skies on the wings of a whirlwind, only

to come down seconds later at his chosen warp point. Like in Waker, these

hotspots aren’t always located as conveniently as they could be, but, given

the alternative, none of us is about to complain.

Cylos has an outie belly button.

=============================================================================

G o n g o r o n

Prissy annoying little kid

Race: Goron

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Complaints about his snivelling personality aside, I actually really like

Gongoron. First of all, he has a strange name, and that has to count for

something. But more than that, he’s one of only six playable characters in

the entire Zelda franchise, which is pretty cool in and of itself - the

others being Kafei, Medli, Makar, Tingle, and Link himself, and you could

even argue that Medli and Makar don’t even count cause they were maybe just

being possessed by Link. Or if you wanted to go the other way, you could even

say that Ricki, Moosh, and Dimitri count, and so do Deku Scrub (...), Darmani

and Mikau, but then you’d be being weird. However you look at it, Gongoron

has amazing cachet as a playable character on par with Kafei, and we maintain

control of him for some of the longest lengths of time (third only to Link

and Tingle), so there.

So now we have that out of the way. Gongoron is the son of Biggoron, leader

of Goron Island. Yes, Goron Island. Once Link is finished running around the

village memorizing useless facts about its features and populace, he passes

Biggoron’s knowledge test and is initiated as an honourary member of the

tribe, access to the Goron Temple comes as part of the package. Biggoron,

however, is concerned about Link’s ability to deal with the temple’s traps

and layout on his own, so he commands Gongoron to accompany him. It’s a

little backwards. He should be worrying about Gongoron way ahead of Link.

Upon our introduction to this poor-tempered, worrying crybaby, he immediately

makes clear his disdain for Link and then runs off to the temple without him.

This is going great so far. So, Link must make his way to the temple solo,

which he accomplishes with a modicum of difficulty, and enters only to find

that Gongoron has run off inside and almost immediately found himself

surrounded by Dodongos, with no means of escape. All right, it happens. So,

as Link we must come to his rescue – only to find that Gongoron is going to

help us accomplish it.

We take control of the little guy and find that in some ways, he actually

controls more smoothly than Link. Like all Gorons, Gongoron curls into a ball

when he feels the need for speed, and after walking around for a few moments

he gets his momentum up and does this automatically; after a bit he’s

practically invinicible if you can keep him moving. But he’s not limited to

this unwieldy attack. He has a sort of homing attack activated by simply

tapping his enemies. Utilising these skills, Gongoron is able to defeat the

creatures and reunite with Link, at which point he becomes slightly more

accepting of the task he’s been assigned and becomes progressively more

helpful as the dungeon-busting tandem attack wears on.

Eventually, after advancing past a number of puzzles (quite a few of them a

step up from the standard ‘instruct helper character to stand on one switch

while Link runs over to the other switch,’ although there’s some of that

too), the pair enters the boss chamber, ready to take on the monster within.

All of Phantom Hourglass’s bosses are inspired and creative, but this one has

to be top three (after Bellum and Eox). It opens normally, but as the pair

comes under attack they quickly become separated, Link at the door, Gongoron

across a stretch of lava and pinned in with the boss.

From here the object is to direct Bombchu across the floe and into the giant

Dodongo’s mouth, as the species’ weakness to explosives has been well-

documented since the original game. In order to stun the beast and allow Link

an open shot, Gongoron must bait it into a charge and then attack its

vulnerable sides while it collects itself. After three successful Bombchu

strikes, a bridge forms allowing Link to cross and continue on when the

behemoth stands once more. The fun part of the fight, though, is keeping the

two alive; while knocking Gongoron around up top, he sends a legion of little

guys to go after Link, requiring a constant juggling act to maintain both

characters’ health bars as you manically switch back and forth, attacking

with one character only to snap back to the other just in time to sidestep a

potentially fatal assault. This becomes slightly easier when the two are

nearer to each other, at which point Link functions more or less without

Gongoron’s help, though you can try to be clever and still use one to keep

attention off the other if you get cornered or something. Eventually, Link

and Gongoron down their foe and recover the temple’s Pure Metal.

Later on, he can be found working at tourist attraction Dee Ess Island with a

few other Gorons. Post-Ice Temple, it turns out it’s the mighty Goron Races!

...Nostalgia... ...unchanged from Majora’s Mask... Except not as much fun,

since it’s just time trials, but stylus controls might not have been able to

handle the jostling anyway. You take control of Gongoron himself in his bid

to take home the pennant.

=============================================================================

G o o d B e e

Sweet little bumblebee

Race: Bee

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Honestly speaking, the Good Bee is in no way a character, but she’s just so

cool I can’t help but give her a quick blurb. You can find her by dashing

into the fountain in the cave where you find the Ice Rod, after which you can

snag her with your Bug-Catching Net and store her in a Bottle. (It’s also

possible to kill her with your sword, or kill yourself by walking into her

repeatedly.) At this point, you can sell her in the Kakariko Village market,

but why would you want to? Instead, you can unleash her on the forces of

evil! Protect the hive from enemies! The Good Bee’s attack is noticeably

stronger than that of regular Bees, and unlike regular Bees, after she’s

finished working on all the enemies in an area, she’ll return to Link so as

to flit back into her Bottle! She wants to be with you until the end; she

gives her heart and her soul to you to make you see it through. The first

time I read about that, I thought it was the coolest thing I’d ever heard.

=============================================================================

G o r o n E l d e r

Geriatrock

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

Twilight Princess

Spirit Tracks

When Link climbs to Snowhead Mountain, he finds that Skull Kid has frozen it

over. The snowbound Gorons are unable to search for food, but the Goron Elder

bravely crawls into the blizzard and tries to find some healthful rock

sirloin. He’s unsuccessful, and moreover, his son pines for his father and

cries constantly. When the Elder finds out, he tries to teach Link the

Goron’s Lullaby, but it’s so cold he forgets half of it. His son teaches Link

the rest and promptly falls asleep, much to the relief of his roomies.

The Elder is notable for a couple of reasons, mainly that he teaches us a few

things about Goron biology. He’s a hunchback: A huge mound of rock has

doubled his height. It weighs heavily on him, and he sometimes walks on all

fours due to the burden. He also has huge lips, and he’s one of a handful of

Gorons to sport visible hair. Secondly, he carries a pair of Goron Bongos,

one of only two Gorons seen to do so (though it’s possible that they’re a

very common item, just rarely used.)

He’s a little zestier in Oracle of Ages, with a beard resembling Darunia’s

and a lot of muscles. Not enough muscles, unfortunately, to break through a

cave-in that has cut him off from the rest of the tribe. Link travels to the

past, defeats the Great Moblin, and wins a Bomb Flower for his troubles.

(Strangely, unlike those in the 3D games it does not explode immediately

after picking.) He hands it off to the foreman who explodes it and frees the

Goron Elder, who is able to help Link enter the Crown Dungeon.

Twilight Princess’s Gorons are presided over by Darbus, their leader, who

utilises the four Elders as his agents to help him get things done. When the

five entered the Goron Mines to try and destroy the evil that was seeping out

of them, Darbus was overpowered and the Elders were forced to flee, sealing

him in with the Fused Shadow and being forced to abandon him there. Link

eventually confronts the Elders, respectively called Gor Coron, Gor Amoto,

Gor Ebizo, and Gor Liggs. By tracking them all down, he assembles what passes

for the dungeon’s Boss Key, then proceeds to defeat the transformed Darbus

and liberate him from evil’s clutches. Gor Coron is quite skilled at sumo

wrestling (didn’t see that one coming), and just generally seems to look and

act very Japanese. Gor Liggs is covered in purplish body paint, or maybe even

IS purple. The other two are just old. After Link completes the Goron Mines,

Gor Liggs and Gor Ebizo take to hanging out at the Kakariko Village Malo

Mart, and later play a part in opening the Castle Town branch.

As Goron Elders have done since time immemorial, the Goron Elder of Spirit

Tracks sees to the administration of Goron Village, the main settlement found

in the Fire Realm. He is cut off from most of the rest of the place’s

inhabitants by a sudden eruption, and Link is only able to meet with him

until he brings a half-load of Mega Ice to cool it. Though nominally

suspicious of the outsider that is Link, the Elder changes his tune when his

grandson rushes in and tells him it was Link who saved the village, and he

shows him how to access the Fire Sanctuary (since the secret is passed down

from Elder to future Elder.) Later on, the grandson leaves to experience city

life, but the Elder knows he’ll be back, because, he says, all Gorons

eventually realise that Goron Village is paradise. This probably has less to

do with the conditions of the place itself and more to do with the kinship of

being among one’s fellow Gorons.

=============================================================================

G o s s a c k

Anti-Bolshevik militant monarchist

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Like many explorers of the bounding main, Gossack can often be found at the

Windfall Island Cafe when he puts into port for a little R&R. Cowardly and a

little ugly, Gossack ‘jumps at even the slightest of surprises.’ Lenzo,

claiming he wishes to help Gossack overcome his fear through exposure

therapy, has Link take a pictograph of the poor soul in abject terror, which

isn’t hard to do; simply rolling into the wall near him will startle him into

outright shivers of fright. Snapping a quick pic will put Link one step

closer to the Deluxe Picto Box.

I also seem to remember intimations of him having a crush on Gillian or some

such thing.

=============================================================================

G r e a t D e k u T r e e

Tree of the Ancients

Race: Deku

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Wind Waker

The Great Deku Tree is known as the guardian of the Kokiri. Even as the other

six races warred among themselves, the Deku Tree shrouded them in the forest.

It is supposedly its (his?) power that keeps them from ever aging past ten.

It also guards the Kokiri’s Emerald, the Spiritual Stone of Forest. Ganondorf

tried to steal it from him but was unable to take it by force. Instead, he

sent Queen Gohma, a giant armoured arachnid, to invade the tree, set herself

in its roots and kill it from within. She spawns many foul beasts and starts

to poison the tree. At the tree’s behest, Link arms himself, enters the root

structure and slays Queen Gohma, but it’s too late. The Great Deku Tree

realises that his suspicion was correct: Link is destined to save Hyrule. He

gives him the Spiritual Stone to help him on his quest, then dies.

As his last act, however, he plants a seed. This new Deku Tree grows just in

front of the previous one, and takes seven years to sprout; it does so just

as Link defeats Phantom Ganon in the Forest Temple. It then gives Link a

brief explanation of what has happened in his absence and further

instructions.

This same tree reappears hundreds of years later in The Wind Waker, and he

looks much different than his father. The original looked like...like Merlin.

This one looks like Bob the plumber. His face is way closer to the ground,

and he’s grown more upward rather than outward – possibly because of limited

horizontal space, due to him being inside a larger tree. That tree is quite

possibly the first Deku Tree, though that would have required

transplantation.

The new Deku Tree guards the Forest Haven, which is a combination of the

Kokiri Forest, Lost Woods and Great Deku Tree areas from Ocarina of Time,

split up into four tiny islands. The new tree protects the Koroks as its

predecessors protected the Kokiri. Despite its appearance, it is quite as

wise as the original (well, almost.) The Great Deku Tree is one of the few

creatures old enough to remember how to speak Ancient Hylian; when he sees

Link in his heroic outfit, he is reminded of the Hero of Time and spits out a

few text boxes of Hylian script before apologetically switching to Link’s

language.

The Great Deku Tree serves to help Link keep up with Makar, an important part

of the story. He also figures into a side-quest: Worried that the forests are

dwindling, he sends eight Koroks out to some small islands to plant trees

that will eventually give birth (so to speak) to new woods, but they aren’t

doing so well. Link must quickly transport mystical water from Forest Haven

to each of the trees, allowing them to begin to grow.

=============================================================================

G r e a t F a i r i e s

Demented sprites

Race: Fairies

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Four Swords

The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

Twilight Princess

Phantom Hourglass

In other words, all games but the second.

Even though not one of them technically has a name, they serve a great enough

role in Link’s quests that I saw fit to briefly detail them here.

Okay, rapid-fire. In the NES and Gameboy games, a Great Fairy would

completely restore Link’s health. In A Link to the Past, Link would throw

various items into specific Fairy Fountains to have them upgraded. Ocarina of

Time’s Great Fairies offered upgrades and magical attacks. In Majora’s Mask,

collecting all 20 Stray Fairies in a dungeon would allow them to reform and

give him a special upgrade, one of which was a very special sword. The N64

ones are famous for screaming insanely when they appeared. In Four Swords,

they offered keys that allowed the party’s quest to move forward. In The Wind

Waker, they mainly offered capacity upgrades (Rupees, Bombs etc.) and also

offered special items like the Fire and Ice Arrows. In Four Swords

Adventures, they sometimes had to be rescued and escorted, and each of the

maidens had the ability to transform into a fairy, including Zelda. In The

Minish Cap they once again offered capacity upgrades. In Twilight Princess

they were found in the Cave of Ordeals, and if Link completed the entire

thing he could visit their springs to fill a Bottle with Great Fairy Tears,

which was essentially Grandma’s Homemade Soup with only one serving. Lastly,

in Phantom Hourglass they provided Link with certain abilities depending on

the number of Power, Wisdom or Courage Gems he had collected.

Whew.

=============================================================================

G r o g

Get mediaevel

Race: Hylian, for a while

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

With a name like Grog, you’d think he’d be right at home sailing the bounding

main with Tetra’s pirates, but on the contrary, he spends most of his time

moping in the Lost Woods. A parody that any individual dark or misanthropist

in nature would find insulting, Grog claims that ‘everyone’s disgusting’ and

cuts himself off from society. He has a similar attitude in the sequel, when

he proves himself not particularly affected by the impending end of the

world, regretting only that he could not see his precious baby Cuccos become

full-grown cluckers (Link solves this by ordering a march that causes the

Cuccos’ rapid maturation, earning himself the Bunny Hood.) Later on in

Ocarina, he moves to the Woods and becomes a Skull Kid, despite his sister’s

best efforts to save him. That sister, if I recall correctly, is the Cucco

Lady, and I think his mother is Grandma from Grandma’s Potion Shop. His

father is Mutoh, the foreman who’s always yelling at the other carpenters (I

know that last one for sure; his father is definitely Mutoh.)

=============================================================================

G u r u - G u r u

Copy Gramophonian

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

In Ocarina of Time, Guru-Guru - whose name may not have been Guru-Guru at the

time, and whom most referred to on some variation of ‘crazy windmill guy’ -

was a crazy guy who owned the windmill of Kakariko Village. His name is most

likely derived from the handheld gramophone from which he is never seen

apart; ‘kuru-kuru’ is the Japanese onomatopoeia for something spinning, as in

‘Nyaasu no paati, kuru-kuru, mawaru!’ (Meowth’s party, round and round,

revolve.’) Gangly, bald, and bearded, he is almost always seen with an

expression of pure, deep-seated happiness, and this is how Link finds him

when he visits the windmill as a child; there he is, just blissing out in his

humble home and laying down phat beats...no, wait, that’s a different kind of

spin-related music-making. But like the Happy Mask Salesman and Scarfies, he

also has a dark side. When we reunite with him seven years down the line he

adopts an utterly fearful countenance and starts screaming at us. He starts

to work his gramophone faster and faster as the unforgettably significant

Song of Storms starts to grind out. Link, he shrieks, is the one responsible

for the sudden and catastrophic draining of the village well, without whose

waters Kakariko can barely subsist, and it’s all because of Link, the Ocarina

of Time, and the most accursed Song of Storms!

So to recap, Ganondorf was responsible for the sacking of Hyrule Castle,

Ganondorf was responsible for Death Mountain’s optically threatening corona,

Ganondorf was responsible for Zora’s Domain freezing over, Link was

responsible for the well draining, and all of this happened around the same

time. Nice logic? Actually, as learn when we investigate further, it turns

out it WAS Link who destroyed Kakariko - what a dick! In a case of what can

be called retroactive history or self-fulfilling prophecy, upon hearing this

Link then takes us back to the past to enact (re-enact?) the crime for which

he has been accused. Upon standing in the middle of town and playing the Song

of Storms (which Guru-Guru hears and remembers, teaching it to Link seven

years later, who then goes back in time to teach it to Guru-Guru) he finds

that the windmill, in much the same way as the gramophone that we have

discussed above, begins to spin faster and faster, drawing all available

water until there’s nothing left. Torrential downpours now DRAIN wells,

didn’t you know? The advantage here is that this leaves Link free to explore

the Bottom of the Well and acquire the quest-critical Lens of Truth, but

obliterating the welfare of an entire village is sort of harsh.

In his second appearance (which is where we get the name from), Guru-Guru is

no longer mad at us, but still a little bit of a creep. He hangs out by the

laundry pool, cranking out one of my favourite tunes in any Zelda, and that’s

saying something. But man, come to think of it - Guru-Guru, the Stray Fairy,

Kafei, the Curiosity Shop Owner (presumably), the Postman, and Link himself;

the laundry pool sure does see a lot of traffic for one small alcove, doesn’t

it? Anyway, in this universe Guru-Guru formerly put his musical skills to use

as part of a group of travelling entertainers, but he soon left out of

jealousy for the troupe’s leader, because he just couldn’t reconcile with

taking orders from a dog. He lifted the mutt’s Bremen Mask on his way out the

door, stealing masks being in vogue in Termina, only to find that rather than

slaking his spite, the act left him consumed by guilt. When Link comes along,

he realises he’s found the perfect solution: He’ll bequeath the item to him!

That definitely makes it ok! Well, it works out at least, with Link gaining a

useful new tool and Guru-Guru somehow now able to live with himself where he

couldn’t before.

With the Oracle Saga taking gameplay elements from the GameBoy and setpieces

from the N64, Guru-Guru played a minor role in Seasons as well, tending the

Windmill that sits on top of the hill in the Eastern Suburbs of Horon

Village. In stark opposition to previous events, here Guru-Guru WANTS the

contraption to gyrate as fast as possible, and even enlists that good-for-

nothing Link for a little help. If Link can provide him with some Engine

Greae to loosen up the joints and gears (what sort of Engine it was

originally intended for never being explained), Guru-Guru will give up his

iconic Gramophone. I guess you never really know someone. The Windmill will

begin to spin at exciting highspeed star, and Link can then take the

Gramophone to Holodrum’s Lost Woods, root out a lone music-loving Deku Scrub

in an obscure cave, and receive a copy of Broken Sword: Shadow of the

Templars. No, wait, he receives a Broken Sword, which he can then have

repaired to the L-2 Noble Sword, twice as powerful as the one he had before,

so sweet deal.

=============================================================================

G u s t a f, R o y a l S p i r i t

Dead and kicking

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Gustaf reigned as King of Hyrule hundreds of years ago, but of course, he

died. He still wishes to maintain peace in his kingdom even from beyond the

grave, however, so he still does what he can to ensure its future. Link first

meets him after claiming the Water Element, then goes to meet him in the

Royal Crypt. Much like similar tombs, his was so complex it’s its own mini-

dungeon. In life, he was very fond of the people of the Wind Tribe. The

Kinstone piece he gives Link allows him to enter Veil Falls and,

consequently, the Palace of Winds.

=============================================================================

H a n c h

Mulleted coward

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

What the hell kind of name is Hanch?

An inhabitant of Ordon Village, Hanch first strides onto the scene, as it

were, by throwing small rocks at a beehive in an effort to get its larvae to

use as fishing bait. (This caused a lot of confusion in Spirit Tracks, where

Bee Larvae also appear, as do beehives, but the two are unrelated; the items

are found randomly in pots and the like, and knocking down one of the game’s

aggravatingly plentiful beehives will win you nothing but pain. You can’t

even catch ‘em.) There are two ways to grab this bad boy for him: You can

either bean it with the Slingshot, which you won’t get until later, or

assault it with a hawk, which you can do immediately. The former will turn a

stinging reprisal on yourself, but the latter will see the sortie directed

against Hanch. Mistaken blame and all; it’s like a sitcom. Hanch will flee

into the water to get them off his tail, which doesn’t work in real life by

the way. Bees will actually watch you move beneath the surface and follow,

and resume their attack when you reemerge. Try it if you don’t believe me. Go

ahead.

Shortly thereafter, we learn that he is Sera’s husband and Beth’s father, and

following that, he proves himself to be one of the most snivelling and

dislikeable characters ever seen in a Zelda game, brimming with malcontent

and in dire need of an attitude adjustment. He makes up for it later, when Bo

assigns him to security detail. Hanch takes up a position on the earthy-

stoney pillar between Sera’s Sundries and Rusl’s house, from which vantage he

shoots the village hawk at trespassers; guess those things are common

property and whoever makes use of them gets to have them, thanks Locke. Maybe

Hanch learned the technique from Link’s beehive-bashing. Anyhow, during the

period in which Link is forced to briefly return to the settlement in wolf

form, he’ll feel Hanch’s full wrath if he gets too close, with the latter

understandably believing him to be a monster. It’s actually kind of neat, I

mean that attack took me totally off-guard. And it all contrasts very nicely

with his unceasing cries of terror that carry on throughout the process. I

just avoided him after being attacked once, but apparently you can sneak up

behind him and startle him into the water, which, I have to admit, sounds

hilarious.

Hanch appears in the ending credits for roughly three quarters of a

microsecond, happy to return to a life without fear.

=============================================================================

H a p p y M a s k S a l e s m a n

Amazingly accurate timekeeper

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

Going only by the titular moniker of the Happy Mask Salesman, we have here

one of the weirder residents of the Zelda universe. From an early age, he was

fascinated with masks, especially those with magical properties. His

collection grew to be quite extensive, and he opened up a small shop from

which he sold his wares.

He was having trouble getting business, so he recruited Link as a trader.

Link borrowed masks for his own personal use and, when he encountered

individuals interested in buying, he sold them off on behalf of the shop,

keeping a modest finder’s fee. He sold several masks like this, all of which

reappeared in the next instalment of the series. These actions also fed

Link’s altruistic nature as they helped out their recipients with their

personal lives. The ultimate reward for this mini trading game was the Mask

of Truth, which had about three uses (two of which were pretty trivial.)

He got an interesting makeover for Majora’s Mask, where he spent the entire

game waiting in the Clock Tower for Link to bring him Majora’s Mask, which

Skull Kid had stolen from him. His poly was fundamentally the same, but he

added a giant pedlar’s backpack festooned with odds, ends, cooking pans, and

masks. I expect most of you know this by now, but if you look closely you can

see a Mario mask pinned near his head. Close to it is an Elvis Presley one.

There’s also one that some say is a Darth Maul mask, but if that was the

intent, it’s a far cry from the original. The rest are random generica,

though one looks like it could easily have become the Stone Mask.

The Happy Mask Salesman is best known for his bizarre (I won’t say psychotic,

because he clearly does not have psychosis per se) behaviour. He stands alone

in dank locations. He is obsessed with masks (identity confusion?) and

develops dangerous emotional attachments to some of them. He also slingshots

between emotions more quickly than a Vibe Island denizen, screaming at Link

one moment then smiling pleasantly the next. Also, he rarely opens his eyes.

He also has a shop in Lynna City, where he figures into Oracle of Ages’

Trading Game and then serves no further purpose.

=============================================================================

H e l m a r o c K i n g

Winged monstrosity

Race: Helmaroc

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

In Arabian mythology, rocs are enormous birds who live on mountaintops. As I

recall, Sinbad the Sailor encountered one and stole an egg from its nest. I’m

not sure what happened after that, but I don’t think it ended well for him.

This was how the Roc’s Feather dungeon item came into being, but the Kargaroc

enemies first appeared in The Wind Waker. Though they could be somewhat

irritating to take out, they dropped golden feathers that were eventually

traded for a Heart Piece. Like the Helmasaurs, the Kargarocs have a

figurehead who is much larger and more powerful than themselves. (Helmasaur

King doesn’t get a bio because he’s a plain boss without any character.)

When Ganondorf emerges from the Golden Land and sets up shop atop the

Forsaken Fortress, he employs the Helmaroc King to do his bidding. Mainly, he

tasks it with locating and capturing Princess Zelda. He knows she’s out there

somewhere, even if she doesn’t. The Helmaroc King captures several girls who

*might* be Zelda, but as it turns out, none of them are. It eventually finds

Tetra, who really is Zelda, as captain of a merry band of pirates. The scurvy

knaves fight it off and are taken, in the course of the battle, to Outset

Island, where Link sees trouble and comes to Tetra’s rescue. The Helmaroc

King swoops in once again and hauls off Aryll by accident, setting TWW in

motion.

They track the Helmaroc King back to Forsaken Fortress, but are thwarted

there. The Helmaroc King hurls Link into the ocean and leaves him for dead,

after which point he doesn’t do anything for quite some time. He and Link

finally square off near the top of the Fortress, where he mostly swoops at

Link and tries to crush him. When he pecks, he gets his face stuck in the

stone, at which point he is vulnerable to strikes from the Skull Hammer.

He is also the boss of Death Mountain Trail in Four Swords Adventures.

=============================================================================

H e n a

Master fisherman

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

When Ocarina of Time was being developed, one of the lead programmers, Morita

Kazuaki, had a sort of ‘secret project’ – a fishing mini-game, the one we

found at Lake Hylia. This was a pretty cool place, so it made it into the

game! It was so popular, in fact, that Morita was assigned to create Hena’s

Fishing Hole for Twilight Princess, which I actually like less, but whatever;

lure fishing from a canoe is neat. Anyway, Hena runs the inexpensive fishing

hole, which can be quite an interesting diversion, though a frustrating one

(I only ever caught one fish :( ).

She may be descended from Hyrule’s most famous fisherman, the bald guy who

ran Ocarina’s place (and the Curiosity Shop in Majora’s Mask.) I find it kind

of funny that the photo is in black-and-white, because the Deluxe Pictograph

hadn’t been invented yet. She also has a picture of herself with a lunker

(how vain of her). There’s also one of her sister Iza, who runs the nearby

boat rental place, and her brother Coro, who sucks at fishing but is pro at

making lamp oil.

Like the fisherman from Ocarina, Hena gets mad if Link uses the Sinking Lure,

because it’s unsporting. Unlike the fisherman from Ocarina, however, she will

let him use a different (but still inferior) lure called the Frog Lure if he

can beat eight courses on the Rollgoal game. The Frog Lure requires skilled

hands to use, and so does Rollgoal, so I guess that’s the connection there.

=============================================================================

H e r o ’ s S p i r i t

Lycanthropic swordmaster

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

This ancient vestige of Hyrule’s bygone golden age never introduces himself,

and there are few official resources to corroborate his name (except Nintendo

Power, a sometimes dubious source of information), but most people know him

as the Hero’s Spirit, so we’ll just call him that.

And what he does say about himself is allusory at best, but that just

enhances the mystical nature of the character. Ever since Majora’s Mask’s

Swordsman School, there have been a number of individuals willing to instruct

the player in the ways of Hyrulean combat. Hero’s Spirit, the latest

implementation, is uniquely qualified in that he was actually around in

ancient times, when many actually studied the Way of the Hylian Blade with

great dedication. From the way he talks, he has truly mastered the sword and

has surely seen a fair few battles before he was transformed.

In fact, chew on this: He actually refers to Link as his successor. He most

likely just meant that it was now Link’s responsibility to proliferate the

ancient sword arts, but in context, it almost sounds like Hero’s

Spirit...HERO’S Spirit...is actually Link from Ocarina! Pretty out there,

you’d think, but is it really?

Anyway, he teaches seven techniques over the course of the game – paltry

compared to the Blade Brothers, but he’s just one guy, plus every one of his

is cool and/or useful, which is more than they can say. They’re also

progressive, meaning they grow in strength and animation quality as you go

on, and sometimes require mastery of a previous technique to perform (most

commonly the Shield Attack.) My favourite technique is the Mortal Draw, where

Link stands still without L-Targeting, sword sheathed. Then, at the last

second, before the opponent sees through his ruse, in one smooth motion he

draws it and fells them in a single stroke. If you like, he also spins it

around all fancy-like when he sheathes it.

To learn a technique, Link must locate one of the Howl Stones scattered

across Hyrule. In wolf form, Link must then howl out a specific tune, many of

which are from Ocarina of Time. When he does this, he will be transported

to...‘another dimension,’ I guess, which looks a lot like Hyrule in its

heyday. He and the Hero’s Spirit, in the form of a glowing golden wolf, then

join together in a howling concerto. After that, a spot gets marked on his

map and Link must head over to that location, where he finds the wolf in the

flesh. The wolf then again transports them to another dimension, this one

very white with Hyrule Castle in the background. He assumes the form of a

skeletal, armoured soldier. After testing him on the previous technique, he

proceeds to drill Link on a new one. He tries to introduce them with as much

gravity as possible, but really, Link is in no danger >_<.

The final technique, the Great Spin Attack, is learned right outside the

castle barrier, so it may well be that Link learns it right before the final

showdown. When he has imparted all he knows, the Hero’s Spirit departs this

world with no more than a fierce hope that Link will prevail.

=============================================================================

H o H o T r i b e

There’s more of him?

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

I always kind of liked Old Man Ho Ho from The Wind Waker, travelling the seas

apparently, always showing up in unexpected places, looking out to the ocean

and explaining what he was looking at with an exclamation of wonder.

Naturally enough I always assumed he was just himself, but Phantom Hourglass

shows us that he’s actually part of a whole organization. Wearing identical

white coats, top hats, and monocles while sailing about in a tub-shaped boat

similar to those used by the Moblins of Waker, the Ho Ho Tribe spends their

days looking for random ‘things,’ for which they will happily part with

useful items if Link can slake their desires. They have a particular and

constant interest in the Regal Ring, which is an extremely rare find but

entails a massive reward. The chapter leader, Hoiger Howgendoogen, also

participates in the Trading Game by coughing up the Guard Notebook in

exchange for his lost Kaleidoscope. I question the practicality of a

_kaleidoscope_ in the Ho Ho Tribe’s line of work, but whatever makes you

happy.

=============================================================================

H o t R o d d e r G o r o n

Would-be bandana-bearer

Race: Goron

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

A Goron who spends literally all of his time rolling down Death Mountain

Trail at high speed, apparently because it’s the only way he can relax. Some

people calm down when they get an adrenaline rush, this is an actual thing.

The only way to get his attention is by attempting to murder him, either with

a Bomb Flower or a bona fide Bomb (neither of which you have access to the

first time you read his sign and/or encounter him.) If you actually carry out

his instructions in most places, he’ll tell you to take off, but if you

invade his home and attack him there, he’ll reward you with the Big Bomb Bag.

Perhaps you’ve noticed before that many video games don’t make any good

logical sense much of the time.

=============================================================================

H o n c h o

Cult of personality

Race: Anouki

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Much like Mike Haggar, Honcho is really just a terrible mayor. Rather than

cause his city crippling economic problems resulting in gang warfare whose

only solution he determines to be punching an old man in the face, however,

Honcho’s failings are at least somewhat less incredible, ranging from being

unable to adequately secure its residents from monster attack to being unable

to persuade its residents to cooperate with each other. To both ends, he

enlists Link’s help, first to arrange each Anouki into a patrol cell of two,

with some Spirit Track additions as his reward; the catch is that half the

Anouki in Anouki Village Kai hate most of the others, meaning they’ll refuse

to work with each other. Link must therefore speak with each of them, put all

the pieces together and figure out an acceptable arrangement for him. (At

least Honcho himself is magnanimous enough to work with anybody.) This is

only a temporary measure, however, as later on, with Link’s transportation

provisions regarding body and supplies, Honcho will contract the Bridge

Worker to build a fence to keep out the wild beasts. He’s incompetent, but

well-intentioned and strangely likeable. I mean, he does his best. He also

bears a striking resemblance to his ostensible ancestor, the Anouki Chieftain

of Phantom Hourglass.

Even Honcho points out the fact that his name doubles as his occupation. I

guess I should be relieved that at least I’m not the only one who’s been

noticing this stuff going on.

=============================================================================

H o n e y a n d D a r l i n g

Bakappuru

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

I’m not sure if they ever addressed each other by pet-name in Ocarina of

Time, but if they did then I’m sure they were Honey and Darling just as in

its sequel. Here, they do nothing but embrace in an endless waltz and coo at

each other. Every once in a while they say something borderline noteworthy,

usually having to do with recent events, but it’s sort of hard to discern

through the deluge of mutual entrancement. At least, that’s how it is during

the day; after hours, they just want to spend some quiet time alone, making

their decision to hang out in a market square one of the worst ideas anyone

has ever had. After Hyrule Castle Town is overrun, they relocate to Kakariko

Village with the other survivors.

Their love-love lives on in Majora’s Mask, where they run Honey & Darling’s

Shop in East Clock Town. It’s not actually a shop but a minigame hut whose

offerings change daily; over the course of Link’s stay, they showcase Bombchu

Bowling (much the same as the Bombchu Bowling Alley from Ocarina), Target

Practise (with your Hero’s Bow and all, similar to a whole plethora of

things), and Bomb Basket (akin to lighting the eyes of the giant Dodongo

skull in Dodongo’s Cavern). Though all three games have a time limit, you can

momentarily stop the clock by shooting the couple (...). If Link succeeds at

all three games in a single 72-hour period, he wins a Heart Piece, which is

oddly fitting. Actually, their dialogue at the end of this ‘side-quest’

suggests that their may be trouble in paradise: ‘I wonder...are we truly

happy?’ Still, though, I like to think it all works out for them in the end

^_^.

Honey and Darling are named after a Japanese modern tradition where girls

will call their lovers ‘darling’ (dariin) and guys will come back with

‘honey’ (hanii), hamabe shakou dansu. From this, we know that the N64-hot

redhead is Honey, and the surrealist painting she goes with is Darling (this

type of pairing being another Japanese tradition of sorts.) Armed with this

knowledge you can figure out who’s speaking when when they talk, since lines

beginning with ‘Honey’ must be uttered by Darling and vice versa. At least,

it sort of works. It’s basically incoherent viewed from ANY angle.

=============================================================================

I g o s d u I k a n a

The king is dead

Race: Stalchild (Stalfos, maybe?)

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Long ago, Ikana was a flourishing kingdom in the east of Termina. But trouble

soon came to the utopia as war broke out between the natives of Ikana and the

Garo ninja, both of whom lived in Ikana Canyon. A bloody power struggle

ensued. Apparently, neither side was ever able to actually win. Its history

has turned Ikana into a residence of death and sorrowful memories. The only

living beings Link encounters there are Pam, her father, Sakon, and the

modern Garo, whose clan is still intact. Everyone else is a troubled spirit,

a Poe, or something of the like.

Remember the Composer Brothers, Sharp and Flat? When Sharp attempted to

restore Ikana, he inadvertently raised many of its dead former occupants.

Igos du Ikana returned to rule the Stalfos from the Ancient Castle of Ikana

(we can assume that it did not always have the ‘Ancient’ prefix.) Link is

forced to enter the castle and head for the Throne Room. Here, he must do

battle with the king’s royal bodyguards before fighting Igos du Ikana

himself. He attacks with a large sword, and sometimes detaches his head to

spit fireballs at Link. He is weakened after a few sword strikes, then

finally defeated when Link exploits the king’s new vulnerability to sunlight

(new since he died, I mean.) Upon his victory, Link learns the Elegy of

Emptiness, a quest-critical Ocarina melody.

In life, he was good friends with Captain Keeta, who leads the Stalchildren

of Termina. You can wear the Captain’s Hat to fool the king briefly, but he

knew the man well enough to not be fooled by an imposter for more than a

split-second.

=============================================================================

I l i a

Malon wannabe

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Link’s kinda tomboyish childhood friend and daughter of Mayor Bo, Ilia

harbours great fondness for both of them, as well as for Epona. But no matter

how hard she tries, Epona just plain likes Link better. She doesn’t like it,

but she does recognize the bond that Link and Epona share, and as a parting

gift for his journey to Hyrule Castle, she makes him a charm that symbolises

the love between man and beast. However, she is quick to anger when Link

injures Epona slightly by recklessly jumping fences. She seizes the charger

and takes her to Ordon Spring, refusing to give her back. After some coaxing,

Link convinces Ilia to let go of the reins (pun!!) and let Epona take some

risks once in a while.

No sooner has he done this, however, than a portal opens above Ordon Spring

and a gang of Bokoblins storms the village, knocking out Link and abducting

Ilia and the village kids. Somehow, Ilia winds up pretty far away from where

they did – in her case, she finds refuge in the Hidden Village. Impaz,

wanting to leave because of the danger but unable to because of the relic she

must guard, is in a huge dilemma and is very, very worried, especially what

with the Twilight having descended on Lanayru Province. Ilia, ever the good

girl, gives her the charm she made for Link, and tells her how Link will come

and save them. Well, she’s half-right, but not in quite the way she thought.

The next part of her story is a little foggy, but somehow she ends up miles

away in Hyrule Castle Town, all of her memories wiped by severe trauma – she

doesn’t even know her own name. Telma the barmaid takes her under her wing,

letting her live at the bar for a while. When Link finds her there, Ilia

doesn’t even recognize him, but Telma can see it in his eyes. As it turns

out, Prince Ralis could benefit from the healing hand of Renado in Kakariko

Village, and Ilia would be safer there, so they assemble in Telma’s wagon and

Link must guard them from Bokoblin assaults as they cross two plains (going

the long route, because the town’s east bridge is out). Thanks to Link, the

trio makes it to Kakariko safely.

Ilia spends the rest of the game here, but her amnesia (a really, really

overdone cliché; I was disappointed by this development) remains. Towards the

third-last dungeon, Link retraces Ilia’s footsteps and gets the charm she

gave to Impaz, which causes a synapse to fire and restore Ilia’s memories all

at once. The charm, by the way, is a nifty item that lets Link call Epona

from anywhere, instead of just from preset points.

Her father, Mayor Bo, is one of only two humans to have ever sumo wrestled a

Goron and come out on top. Both he and Link cheated, though: They used Bo’s

Iron Boots. By the way, does anybody else think Bo’s moustache makes him look

a little like a boar?

=============================================================================

I m p a

Royal handmaiden

Race: Sheikah

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

The Adventure of Link

Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Impa is supposed to be Zelda’s nursemaid, handmaiden, teacher, bodyguard and

all-around loyal companion, but if you ask me, she doesn’t do an especially

good job of it. She spends most of her time being injured and allowing

Zelda’s capture. And she doesn’t even bother to show up for her first two

appearances: She just phones it in, briefly summarizing the backstory. In

this capacity, she seems to be something of a chronicler of Hylian lore.

She’s one of the few people who seem to be mildly aware of the Triforce, and

she knows all the secrets of the Hylian Royal Family.

She actually appears in Ocarina of Time, in the flesh. While other games have

her old and frail, practically crippled from her violent adventures, and

wearing a long red robe, Ocarina sees her youthful, energetic and garbed in

battle gear. This is interesting because it offers us our only chance to

observe a real live Sheikah. The Sheikah placed the Gossip Stones and were

responsible for many of the temples in Hyrule, but except for Impa they’re a

no-show. They were the venerable stewards of the Royal Family in ancient

times (mostly during the period when all of Hyrule was at war with itself),

but since then their numbers have dwindled to just Impa. She’s the last

surviving one. Maybe the Sheikah had seen through their intended purpose and

were no longer needed? Killing off an entire race because they have outlived

their usefulness seems a little harsh, but then again, the Three Goddesses

did drown an entire country to stop a single would-be dictator.

Anyway, Impa teaches Link Zelda’s Lullaby early in the game – this is in fact

the tune that she used to play for Zelda to put her to sleep. When Ganondorf

assaults Hyrule Castle, Impa acts quickly and flees with Zelda on horseback.

For the next seven years, Hyrule is plunged into darkness. But Zelda doesn’t

go down so easily. In hiding, she formulates a plan and tries to do it mostly

through manipulation, but she also acts directly. To that end, Impa teaches

her some of the Sheikah’s secret arts and she takes on the guise of Sheik.

Everyone in Hyrule Castle takes cover in Kakariko Village. I don’t think Impa

had a Ganondorf takeover in mind when she drew up the blueprints. When Link

beats the Shadow Temple, it turns out the last surviving Sheikah happens to

be the Sage of Shadow. Whew! What if it had been a different Sheikah...?

Oh, and in the Oracle games she is either possessed by Veran and used to

create catastrophe, or grievously wounded by a group of one-hit enemies,

depending on which game you’re playing. Either way, she takes up residence in

a house just outside of town and helps Link recover that game’s main item. In

a main-linked game, she also opens the way to the side-quest that ends in

Zelda’s rescue.

A little old woman named Impaz appeared in Twilight Princess’s Hidden

Village. They both have white hair, her name is clearly a derivative of Impa,

and the Hidden Village is the abandoned but ancestral home of the Sheikah, so

perhaps she is Impa’s distant descendant. Her only purpose is to give Link a

book written in Sky Writing that will let him reach the City in the Sky, but

reaching her entails one of the best sequences in the game, a tense Old West

shootout with a slew of Bulblins set to some of the best musical pieces in

the series. It was so good, in fact, it was even revisited in Link’s Crossbow

Training. So thanks for that, Impaz.

=============================================================================

I n d i g o – G o s

Producers of slammin’ tunes

Race: Zoras

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

The Indigo-Gos are Zora Cape’s five-man music sensation. Though musical

instruments and music themes have always played a huge role in Zelda, the

Indigo-Gos are its first and only band. Unfortunately, like the rest of

Termina’s residents Skull Kid has been causing them huge problems, some of

them lethal. For one thing, they were booked to play at the Carnival of Time

in Clock Town, where locals celebrate the passing of another year with

festivities and prayer to the Four Giants. But the impending apocalypse has

seen their show cancelled.

Moreover, the evil that has invaded Great Bay Temple has turned their usually

pristine waters barely liveable. Naturally, everybody is a bit down. Once

Link rousts Gyoakku from the temple, however, they spend the rest of the

three-day time period playing in front of Zora Cape’s giant shell. It’s

pretty neat to see them all playing together.

Lulu (vocals) – Her mother was in the original Indigo-Gos, and Lulu’s voice

may be even more beautiful. However, Lulu’s eggs were stolen just before the

game began, sending her spiralling into worry and depression that has robbed

her of the ability to speak. What the Gerudo thieves planned to do with the

eggs, I do not know. As for the father, from a few casual references we can

infer that it’s probably Mikau. Then again, would Nintendo allow such content

as premarital childbirth into one of their marquee titles? Anyway, when Lulu

hears the New Waves Bossa Nova, she sings it for a giant turtle disguised as

an island, who braves the storm surrounding Great Bay Temple in order to

deliver Link to its doorstep. As the wearer of a long, slinky blue dress, she

is one of only a handful of Zora to wear clothes. This is a little odd,

considering her alternate-world counterpart is Princess Ruto, who embraces

the customary Zora nakedness.

Evan (keyboard) – As the band’s moody frontman, he assumes most of the

responsibility for writing their songs. He gets quite offended when the other

members write songs without his input. But their best stuff comes from Lulu

and the guitar-playing duo, anyway. Almost uniquely, he has a number of

golden scales among the typical white and blue ones.

Mikau (guitar) – Mikau is so awesome, he gets his very own profile.

Japas (bass guitar) – Mikau’s good friend, Japas backs him with a guitar

fashioned from a crustacean. The two frequently hold very successful jam

sessions in Japas’ room, where they come up with guitar patterns on the spot.

They later use these riffs in their songs, much to Evan’s consternation.

Japas styles his fins in a punk-rock style.

Tijo (drums) – Substantially larger than the average Zora, Tijo plays a set

of puffer-fish drums. He seems to be the only band member with all the pieces

of the puzzle regarding their relationships with each other – he knows about

Mikau and Lulu’s secret relationship, for instance. His body is of a

different phenotype than most Zora. My Grade 10 Science teacher enjoyed the

Genetics unit very much.

Toto – I might as well talk about him too while I’m at it. Toto is the

group’s manager. He handles their bookings and appearances. He seems to be

relatively affluent and has made a lot of money from their success, meaning

he’s made them a lot of money.

The Indigo-Gos are best known for their hit single ‘The Ballad of the Wind

Fish.’ That song is originally from Link’s Awakening: Marin taught it to Link

so he could wake the Wind Fish and return home. Lulu wrote the New Wave Bossa

Nova, which, incidentally, revives her near-death (?) eggs and causes them to

hatch when they’re all gathered together. Also, Japas, Evan and Tijo all have

solos on the guitar, organ and drums, respectively.

Indigo-gos is a portmanteau of indigo and go-go. Indigo is a shade of purple.

A go-go is a trend, as in ‘Henshin a go-go, baby!’

=============================================================================

I n g o

Surly farmhand

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

The Minish Cap

Ingo’s appearance is modelled on Luigi from the Mario series of games, and

like Luigi to Talon’s Mario, he is always playing second best. He spends his

days tending the horses and livestock at Lon Lon Ranch. Since Talon does

nothing but sit in his house all day long and play trivial mini-games with

visitors, Ingo is forced to do pretty much all the work there is to do. He

proves himself to be quite an excellent farmhand and a capable rider to boot,

but Talon doesn’t give him nearly the respect he deserves, keeping him

downtrodden with barely enough of a wage to live on. This has left him

frustrated and bitter.

When Ganondorf takes over Hyrule, he kicks Talon out and gives Ingo control

of the ranch. He forces Malon to stay and work for him, under the threat that

he’ll mistreat the horses if she tries to leave. He continues this for seven

years, whoring out the steeds to tourists for brief rides. When Link

liberated Epona, Talon stormed back and wrested control from Ingo. After a

time, the two actually became grudging friends.

In Ocarina, Ingo wore overalls and a green shirt (like Luigi), but he traded

it in for a fancy tunic and ruffled collar for his reappearance as Gorman in

Majora’s Mask. This time he was the leader of a group of performers called

the Gorman Troupe, which chiefly included two sets of twins: Twin brother

jugglers, and twin sister dancers. They were scheduled to perform at the

Carnival of Time, but were cancelled due to the impending apocalypse. Oh, and

adding to the twin theme, Gorman had twin brothers, the Gorman Brothers.

(...) If Link saved Romani Ranch from the aliens on the first night, Cremia

would try to deliver Romani Milk on the second night. But the Gorman

Brothers, like they had the past few times, tried to steal the cargo, so Link

volunteered to fend them off as Cremia drove the milk wagon to town.

Ingo returned with his dignified appearance in a manner not at all having to

do with farming, this time as a money-grubbing landlord in The Minish Cap.

Link was the middleman between he and three sisters, two of whom became

tenants. The last one was out of luck for purposes of game balance.

=============================================================================

I z a

Altrustic Charon

Race: Hyrule

Appearances: Twilight Princess

The spunky, fearless, afro-toting girl and her younger sister Hena may love

each other, but that doesn’t stop them from being malicious wenches. Nah,

it’s actually just sibling rivalry, really, and the two do seem to stick

together in crisis and help each other out when the time comes, venomous

barbs or no. Funny enough, they both also have an affinity for the water, and

ended up opening water-related businesses in the same stretch of Zora’s

River. For her part, Iza runs a boat rental shop, but finds herself in

trouble when a cave-in blocks the route downwards and occasional Twilight

patrols pull through to kill things. Luckily for her, Link comes to her aid

with a handy Spin Attack, and upon hearing her plight agrees to get her

establishment back in operational order. A few well-placed Bomb-arrows are

all it takes to clear out the rubble and open the way, from whence she begins

to offer him the privilege of giving her money. Just kidding, sort of; she

also gives him the Bomb Bag she lent him for the purposes of helping her,

with a capacity upgrade in the offing if he can get a high score in her mini-

game. This is an interesting pastime which patrons play as they paddle, in

order to ‘pass the time’ on their way downriver (>_>). Keeping close to Iza’s

Zora assistant - who’s kind of cute and cool, but doesn’t have a name - Link

pulls out his Hero’s Bow and tries to shoot a number of coloured pots on his

way down the rapids. This was such a fun mini-game, it was reborn in Link’s

Crossbow Training, though he flew solo in that (non-canon) iteration. At the

end of the course, his guide affixes a rope to the boat, and...drags it and

its passenger straight back upriver. O_o

=============================================================================

J a b u – J a b u

Aquatic deity

Race: Giant turtle

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

Jabu-Jabu is a giant green fish-turtle thing with a big blue gem stuck in his

forehead. The Goddesses appointed him as the lesser deity charged with the

overall safety and well being of the Zora race. So much for that. He never

says anything and the influence he chooses to exert is pretty limited. When

Ganondorf attacks, with warlock magic and a third of the Triforce at his

disposal, he easily overpowers Jabu-Jabu, who is never seen while Link is an

adult. The Zora are then unilaterally put on ice, and Zora’s Domain becomes

one big icebox. Their other sanctuary, Lake Hylia, becomes festering with

Tektites and is almost drained by Morpha, who has taken over the Water

Temple. Nice going, double-J.

Like the Great Deku Tree and Darunia, however, he also plays a key role in

helping Ganondorf take over Hyrule: The third dungeon is Jabu-Jabu’s Belly, a

surreal cavern filled with organic contraptions, walls that bleed when struck

with the sword and an infestation of Bari and Biri (electrically charged

enemies that float through the air and look a little like jellyfish.) Link

must allow himself to be swallowed so he can venture into Jabu-Jabu’s

digestive system and make contact with Princess Ruto, who eventually gives

him the final Spiritual Stone.

Like 90% of the polys from Ocarina, Jabu-Jabu’s is reused for Majora’s Mask.

Well, his face is. This time, he’s not a deity, but he’s still a giant turtle

– he’s sleeping in the middle of Termina Bay next to Zora Cape, disguised as

an island. He even has palm trees growing out of his back. When Lulu recovers

her voice, she sings to wake the turtle, who then carries Link through a

terrible storm surrounding Great Bay Temple, the third dungeon.

Jabu-Jabu’s Belly was a pretty creative dungeon, so he reprised that role in

Oracle of Ages. Once again, the Zora worship him and he protects them. The

quest to enter Jabu-Jabu’s Belly and vanquish the evil inside spans both the

Past and Present.

Now, in The Wind Waker, there’s a character called Jabun. I’m not quite sure

what to make of him, but it is generally believed that Jabu-Jabu altered his

body and changed his name, becoming Jabun. A few things in that game are made

pretty clear, like the Zora having become the Rito, but Jabu-Jabu becoming

Jabun is sketchy. Okay, the names are similar, and they’re both water

deities, and they both offer a blue quest item, AND Jabun is one of only a

handful of people to speak the ancient Hylian language (in other words, the

language spoken by the inhabitants of Ocarina of Time’s Hyrule). Hmm, maybe I

am sure, after all.

=============================================================================

J a l h a l l a, P r o t e c t o r o f t h e S e a l

Obese ectoplasmmic entity

Race: Poe

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

Jalhalla guarded the Earth Temple’s inner sanctuary, where Link needed to

deliver Medli in order to begin restoring power to the Master Sword. He was

very large, very fat, purple and masked. He is the compliment to the Wind

Temple’s Molgera, Protector of the Seal, but he’s also known as the Master

Poe. In fact, his very body is composed of two-dozen Poes of various colours,

though Jalhalla himself is a single entity.

In either of his incarnations, Jalhalla is susceptible to light being

directed at his mask. The FSA battle is barely worth mentioning, but the

Waker one is pretty interesting. Using the Mirror Shield to direct light onto

his mask stuns him. When Link lifts him with the Power Bracelet and bowls him

into the arena’s spiked perimeter, he breaks into his component parts, which

must be quickly destroyed. He soon reforms and the process must be repeated;

he dies when the final Poe is destroyed.

Jalhalla reminds me a lot of Boolossus from Luigi’s Mansion. Boolossus was a

big boss formed of 15 Boos. When Luigi lured him into one of the place’s

unicorn statues, he would break into the Boos, who then had to be

individually vacuumed up with the Poltergust 3000. Both are ghosts comprised

of smaller ghosts, so I wonder if Jalhalla wasn’t inspired by Boolossus.

I don’t know if there’s a connection, but _V_alhalla is the final resting

place of warriors in Norse mythology.

=============================================================================

J o a n n e

Mermaid

Race: H...Hylian? Gerudo?? Or...or mermaid.

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

The sister of Jolene, whom you’ll read about in just a moment, Joanne is much

less important. She’s ok too though. I could have just missed something

really obvious, but I’m a little unclear as to whether she’s actually a

mermaid or just pretending. Either way, she provides a great deal of

amusement to the Old Wayfarer on Bannan Island, who muses that Link might be

able to catch a mermaid with a fishing rod. Not having a fishing rod, Link

instead hits her in the face with his Boomerang. When he reports back to the

Old Wayfarer, he says she’s probably run off for another man, and when he

goes to see Linebeck, the dog says that yes, he did talk to her, but she swam

away. Finally returning to the Old Wayfarer, he finds that Joanne has settled

into the pool of water in the dude’s house. In thanks for bringing such a

beautiful creature into his home, the Old Wayfarer offers Link a Fishing Rod.

Later on, when Link heads off the coast of Bannan to rendezvous with the Old

Wayfarer on the S.S. Wayfarer, he notes that the mermaid eats too much, and

he’s running out of money because he has to spend it all on food.

=============================================================================

J o l e n e

Strong woman

Race: Looks like Gerudo

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Ok, first thing’s first. By all accounts, she appears to be a Gerudo. What

what what!? I thought they all died in the Great Flood! Meaning either some

of them somehow survived, or these are Gerudo from a land other than Hyrule –

how can either of those things be?? Or they could be the spiritual successors

to the Gerudo or something, or are just weirdly similar to the Gerudo, or

it’s just Jolene’s personal style or something. Whatever the case we’ll

probably never get an answer, and this paragraph may well be the deepest

anyone will ever delve into the mystery, because it’s not exactly a

discussion of broad interest.

Anyways, moving on to more important things, Jolene has some kind of history

with Linebeck that isn’t fully elaborated upon, but it’s quite clear Jolene

believes she got a raw deal. She roams the extremely small seas of Phantom

Hourglass in her pirate ship, ostensibly doing piratey things, only to drop

everything the instant she spots the S.S. Linebeck on the horizon. With a

bloodthirsty war cry, she takes off after it and fires torpedoes at it.

Should she manage to board, she’ll immediately scramble belowdecks, only to

find it Linebeck-lacking but boasting a battle-ready Link. She fights with

the Gerudo traditional curved blade, but her skills definitely don’t match up

to those of the N64 girls. After being bested, she takes off, and Linebeck

emerges from the barrel he was hiding in and offers increasing Rupee rewards

based on the number of times you’ve fought her off, levelling out at I

believe 100 Rupees.

She’s a very angry woman. She wears her makeup so it looks like she’s always

glaring hatefully, and I think her teeth become pointed from time to time,

but that may be my imagination. And come to think of it, her hair is brown,

rather than the Gerudo red, so that pokes some more holes in my ‘Jolene is

Gerudo’ theory.

Late in the game, Ciela implies that she can clearly tell Jolene is in love

with Linebeck, and it’s just that his shortsightedness and self-hate are

preventing him from realising it.

=============================================================================

J o v a n i

Stealing Midas’ ideas

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

A short, fat little man who sold his soul for infinite wealth. This

backfired, however, because he himself was transformed into riches, and his

cat was turned into a gold figure that sat on top of his head. Since this

wasn’t quite what he was hoping for, and he badly wants to see his

girlfriend, Jovani requests that Link track down the 20 scattered pieces of

his soul and return them to him. When he does, the curse only half-breaks;

Jovani can move around and his cat is returned to normal, but he is still

made of gold and his eyes are still rubies. He gives Link an empty bottle as

a reward and asks for all 60 pieces of his soul, and after receiving such he

finally returns to normal and reunites with his sweetheart.

=============================================================================

K a e p o r a G a e b o r a

Avian manipulator

Race: Owl

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Four Swords Adventures

Kaepora Gaebora is a human-sized owl who periodically swoops in to offer Link

cryptic advice. There is an Owl character in Link’s Awakening who hasn’t been

confirmed to be Kaepora Gaebora specifically, but most fans treat the two as

one and the same (at the very least, KG was inspired by the Owl.) The first

time we saw him was when Link returned to the site of his shipwreck to

recover his sword, at which point the good owl laid out the general idea of

his quest. Throughout the game, he functioned as a plot device who arrived on

the scene at critical moments to explain what was going on and reveal a

little more of the mystery of Koholint Island. He may have been an agent of

the Wind Fish, and the manual mentions he might not have had pure intentions.

He performed a similar function in his three reprisals, letting Link in on

what’s been going on while he’s been at other locations. It is notable that

in Ocarina of Time, he did not even believe in the legend of the Hero of

Time, but by the time they met at the Spirit Temple (the last time), he’d

been convinced. He only appears when Link is a child, since Sheik takes over

after that, so his fate under Ganondorf’s rule is a little ambiguous. Many

fans (I’m not really one of them, sorry guys) find his extended rambling

irritating and unnecessary, so he has gained great notoriety for being

annoying.

=============================================================================

K a g o r o n

We Didn’t Start the Fire

Race: Goron

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Bearing a slightly larger beard than an average Goron, Kagoron is also

coloured a lustrous muted beige as opposed to most Gorons’ dull orange-brown.

As the spiritual and political leader of Goron Village in the Fire Realm, he

serves a function similar to the Big Brother role seen in earlier titles.

When Link first visits the community, it is besieged by falling firey rocks

and the resultant blazes. Kagoron has travelled to the top of the mountain in

order to pray for protection from their patron deity at the Altar of the

Mountain Goddess. Link follows him up and hears him out; the Goron prelate

implores him to find something to douse the fires, even giving him a free

freight cart for his train so that he can fetch something, anything, that

might help. This turns out to be Anouki-style Mega Ice, which saves

everybody’s lives and wins Kagoron’s cooperation, as he moves out of the way

of the cave he was standing in front of, thus granting access to the next

Force Gem. Later on, he sends Link a map pointing out treasure in Dark Ore

Mine.

=============================================================================

K a m a r o

Let’s jam!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

A master of all forms of dance, Kamaro died before he could present his

personal perfected form to the world. The work which becomes a new genre

itself will revolutionize the world of dance, but alas, in his present

condition Kamaro is in no state to be spreading the word. Luckily, Link is a

shrewd lad who finds himself wandering Termina field one night between

midnight and 6:00 AM, when suddenly he spots the wisps of blue fire that

point out Kamaro’s distant ghost (little blue fires seem to represent ghosts

quite often in Japanese fiction. It has to be a folklore thing.) Hopping from

the dry levee (or is it just a harsh, long winding river where those flowers

float?) to the tall, mushroom-shaped rock in the middle of the river, Link

encounters one of the creepier characters in the Zelda universe: a long,

lanky, emaciated, shirtless, deathly white old man with an elongated head,

overpronounced cheekbones, green-coiffed topknot and no pupils. He’s stuck

perpetually practising the dance he dreamed up, unwilling to let it slip away

but unable to do anything to the opposite effect. All of this is done to some

utterly sweet Persian flutes.

Recognizing a troubled soul when he sees one, Link whips out his trusty

Ocarina of Time and plays a pivotal little ditty we like to call the Song of

Healing, which is supposed to soothe the confused and allow them to let go of

any attachment they still feel towards the world of the living. Unfortunately

for Kamaro, in his case it’s not so simple. His creation, he explains, simply

cannot go unlearned, but leaf-like medium that he is, Link is prepared and

more than willing to take on the burden of learning it. Startled and pleased

at the sudden appearance of a student, Kamaro eagerly imparts the

meticulously designed routine he’s worked out, which Link is then able to

duplicate with flawless fidelity upon donning Kamaro’s Mask, which

materialises in his hands shortly after. True to his promise that the fruits

of Kamaro’s labour will make their way to the ends of the earth, Link teaches

the dance to the Rosa Sisters, who even end up performing it for half of

Termina at the Carnival of Time. Secure in the knowledge that his moves will

be passed on, Kamaro does the same, finally able to play freely without fear

of risky things.

Shout-outs to the similarly named Great Kamroh from the Baten Kaitos duplex,

one of my very favourite experiences of the entire sixth hardware generation.

=============================================================================

K a m o

Mooner

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Kamo is the bowl-cut-sporting guy on the steps leading up to Windfall

Island’s market. He’s sort of like a lot of us when we were teenagers: He

doesn’t talk to anyone unless they’re outgoing enough to talk to him, writes

depressing poetry, and claims that nobody understands him. The only way he’ll

believe that you do is if you bring him a picture of the full moon (his

allusion to which is vague yet painfully obvious), which requires you to

first wait for one since it’s not worth it to cycle through days and nights

over and over just for him, then snap a quick pictograph, head back to the

island and shove it in his face. He’ll give you a Treasure Chart leading to a

Heart Piece to express his gratitude, though for what I’m not exactly sure.

The source of Kamo’s pain is his probably unrequited love for Linda that he

just can’t bring himself to confess, hence his fascination with the moon, an

equivocally beautiful object that fills his nights where Linda doesn’t.

=============================================================================

K e a t o n

Ninetales’ distant cousin

Race: Keaton

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

In Japanese folklore, foxes are creatures with magical ability. They are also

very long-lived, and they grow more powerful as they age. Every hundred years

they grow another tail, until they reach their maximum strength of nine

tales. This legend has appeared in quite a few video game forms, and the

Keaton is one of ‘em. Keaton is a golden-furred fox who appears to those

wearing a Keaton’s Mask, which serves three roles in the N64 games. In

Majora’s Mask, once summoned the Keaton will have Link answer trivia

questions, the reward for which is a Piece of Heart or Rupees. Keatons are

said to be mischievous but incredibly wise animal spirits.

=============================================================================

K i k i

Bipedal warm-blooded mammal

Race: Monkey

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

Twilight Princess

Kiki is a monkey who opened up new areas for Link, but only if he thought he

was going to get something out of it. Players were startled to find Kiki

tailing them when they emerged from the hedge maze. For a large sum of

Rupees, Kiki opened up the gates of the Dark Palace, being one of only a few

monkeys who knew the trick to it. Similarly, he opened the gates to Kanalet

Castle on Kohlint Island in exchange for a bundle of bananas. There are also

monkeys in Twilight Princess. None of them is specifically named, but if one

of them did have a name, it’s a good bet it’d be Kiki, and it’d probably be

the pink bow-wearing one. These monkeys are struggling to wrest their domain,

Faron Woods, from the grip of Twilight, and they enlist Link to help. After

Link rescues each of them, they return the favour by propelling him to the

boss chamber.

============================================================================

K i l i, H a n n a, a n d M i s h a

Fangirls

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Twilight Princess

I have to confess, I never even realised that the trio even had names until I

read about them elsewhere on the Internet, which sort of backs up my

assertion that Twilight Princess named a whole bunch of stuff that had no

business being named, for no rational reason. If these are the girls I

remember from when I played the game, then I always took them to be in their

early 20s, but then I read in yet another source (since I had to research

them) that they’re probably more around 10. Bleh. Either way, the girls, clad

in the colours of the Three Goddesses, hang around the STAR Game in order to

catch a glimpse of Purlo and a snatch of his soothing manly voice. After Link

wins the thing, they fall in love with him too, but they’re too shy to throw

themselves at him so they run away instead, dropping Recovery Hearts in their

wake.

============================================================================

K i l l e r B e e s

Windfall Elementary School Hide-and-Go-Seek Club

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Clearly inspired by the Bombers Gang, a similar group of youngsters from

Majora’s Mask, the Killer Bees are a group of truant troublemakers who pull

pranks and raise hell for everyone around them, particularly their teacher,

Miss Marie. Doesn’t seem they particularly have a problem with her, more like

it’s just something interesting to do.

Their well-intentioned overlord enlists Link, as a sort of super-cool big

brother figure they’ll try to look up to and imitate, in an attempt to curb

their yankii tendencies and bring them back into her folds. Her plan

backfires mildly, and instead they challenge Link to a straight-up, no-holds-

barred game of hide and seek. This played out in almost exactly the same

manner as the Bombers’ cat-and-mouse challenge, except without any kind of

time limit (not that it ever really made a difference in the first place.)

The kid who makes his way to the beach area and cleverly hides in the middle

of an open field is the most difficult, partly because he has so many careers

of flight, and partly because Maggie’s father will sometimes run at you and

spring open an unavoidable dialogue sequence that takes a hundred years no

matter how zestily you mash the A button, giving your quarry time to make

good his escape. Shut up, old man. I was two frickin’ feet away from the kid

and then you interrupted me. I already listened to your spiel. I’ll save

Maggie when I get to it. Please, please leave me alone now.

After being thoroughly defeated in the sport of kings, the Killer Bees not

only submit to Link’s will but acknowledge him as their one true role model,

which is great really, because a young boy could do much worse for a role

model than someone who constantly puts his own life on the line for the sake

of protecting not only those dear to him but total strangers as well. The

only downside to this is that from that point on, whenever Link enters the

Windfall Island town square the squad immediately detects him, homes in, and

swarms his location, refusing to piss off until he puts some space between

himself and the square or goes somewhere they can’t follow, such as up a

ladder and onto a ledge; even then, they’ll huddle at the bottom of the wall,

ready to resume their assault as soon as he lands. Guys yeah, please go play

or something. They must have been taking lessons from Maggie’s father.

As part of their reformation, the kids look for a way to apologize to Miss

Marie, and since they’ve heard she quite likes Joy Pendants, they decide that

one of those will do nicely. Somehow they find one, way up a tree, but to

their disappointment, they have no means of getting to it. After a while they

elect to sleep on it, but since they’ve been kind enough to point it out,

Link just goes and grabs it so he can earn kudos with the teacher himself.

What a dick.

The Killer Bees are as follows:

Ivan, the lord – leads the Killer Bees as their lord in their various

endeavours after deciding what they are. Ivan does the most talking and as a

result he’s also the rudest, at least pre-subjugation. He probably has a good

balance of talents. Renaissance Man?

Jin, the shadow king – it may be that Jin’s position of ‘advisor’ means that

he’s the one actually directing the actions of the group as a sort of shadow

king; we may never know for sure. Even if he isn’t, we can probably surmise

that he’s the most intelligent of the group.

Jan, the enforcer – sadly, this is where my vague anime reference starts to

fall apart. Well, Jan is clearly the biggest of the quartet and therefore the

one relegated with more muscular tasks. Since this is a Nintendo game and

nobody can be both strong AND smart, he’s probably stupid.

Jun-Roberto, the Aldaris – treachery! Jun-Roberto plots and schemes night and

day to wrest control of the Killer Bees from Ivan and slash open a new era in

its history. Yeah, ok buddy, you know what? Even if you somehow achieved your

sorry ends, the others would never follow you because you’re useless. That’s

why you joined the group in the first place, because if you were strong you’d

either be an independent Mugen or you’d have gathered subordinates of your

own and formed a competitor or at least contemporary. So, no.

The group dynamic seems to be getting along pretty well as it is.

============================================================================

K i n g B u l b l i n

Silent antagonist

Race: Bulblin

Appearance: Twilight Princess

This guy is actually pretty cool. Bulblins, the main field enemies in this

game, are much greener and more orcish than their contemporaries, and this

guy is the biggest, strongest, fattest one of all. He’s a skilled Bullbo-

rider (having domesticated the mighty Lord Bullbo), he carries a giant axe,

his eyes glow orange, and he has two wickedly curved horns on his helmet.

Link first encounters him in Kakariko Village, when he taunts Link by

hoisting Colin onto a pole and riding around with him waving high in the air.

Link quickly mounts Epona and gives chase, hacking past his cronies and

eventually forcing the nameless boss into combat. This essentially amounts to

a jousting match set on Eldin Bridge. When Link wins, the boss seemingly

falls to his death and Colin is rescued. But wait! Part of guarding Telma’s

wagon on its path from Castle Town to Kakariko involves jousting against the

guy again, though this time it’s slightly harder – and he’s missing a horn,

because it broke off when he fell.

He’s once again sent plummeting to his apparent doom, but reappears when Link

storms their base camp in the Gerudo Desert. This time, they skirmish on

foot, with the big man swinging around a bigger axe that causes all kinds of

collateral damage as they fight. They have one final showdown in Hyrule

Castle. He introduces himself with the first words he’s spoken all game, ‘I

have come to play.’ When Link bests him one final time, he sees the light and

switches sides. He’s always fought for whichever side seems to be the

strongest – he has nothing against Link, war and pillaging are just a way of

life for him. He concedes a Small Key that Link needs to progress. Now why

would Ganondorf entrust such an important item to an agent whose loyalties

are so shaky?

We see him one last time in the end credits, riding merrily across Hyrule

Field with his buddies.

=============================================================================

K i n g M o b l i n

Big bully

Race: Moblin

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

King Moblin is another one of those ‘ordinary enemies with extraordinary

superpowers, not to mention greater mass,’ if we do not deem such a label too

unwieldy. He appeared only in the Game Boy games, mainly as someone who

terrorized the nearby population. He first swarmed over Mabe Village on

Koholint, instilling fear in the inhabitants and kidnapping Madame MeowMeow’s

doggie, a Chain Chomp named BowWow. Link had to liberate BowWow from King

Moblin, who mostly had a charging attack, in order to enter the Bottle

Grotto. In the Oracle saga, where he was known as Great Moblin, he was less

lean, greener, and chucked oversized Bombs, which had to be tossed back to

damage him. In Seasons, he harassed and tolled people from Sunken City, while

in Ages he oppressed the Gorons and was responsible for their Elder being

buried in a rockslide.

=============================================================================

K i n g M u t o h a n d h i s K n i g h t s

Ancient stalwarts

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

King Mutoh was the ancient sovereign of the defunct Cobble Kingdom, which

ruled the waters thousands of years before Phantom Hourglass. As a high-

profile person of interest, he was guarded by a retinue of four loyal

knights:

Brant, the 4th Knight – garbed in blue

Bremeur, the 3rd Knight – clothed in green

Doylan, the 2nd Knight – clad in yellow

Max, the 1st Knight – dressed in red

Brant, as it would follow, is the weakest Knight with the least standing,

while Max is the most powerful and mighty. All four are massively tall and

barrel-chested, as is King Mutoh himself, which may suggest that the Cobblers

were a very large people, or maybe it’s just their thoroughbred upbringing.

More telling is their pseudo-Egyptian clothing, which consists of those

Pharaoh-style hats and striped beard-cappers, which goes along with the

general Egyptian theme of this part of the game.

In his quest for the third and final Pure Metal, Auquanine, Link gets a tip

from Astrid that he should head to the Isle of the Dead and investigate. Here

he encounters Brant, who was entombed along with Mutoh and his three

contemporaries in order to keep the king safe even in death. The guardsman

instructs Link to visit the Isle of Ruins, where the Cobble Kingdom once sat,

and gives him the Regal Necklace, necessary for entrance. Upon reaching the

island, Link quickly locates Bremeur, whose tomb controls the island’s

drainage system, but which has a failsafe in the form of the key being

elsewhere. Crossing the island and braving the dangers of Doylan’s temple,

Link meets the Second Knight and gains the King’s Key, with which he lowers

the island’s water level, revealing the complex network of walkways, stairs

and footpaths that winds its way throughout the entire island, eventually

leadng him to Max’s Temple. Max, however, is unable to allow himself to just

let a stranger go stomping around in his liege’s tomb, so he tasks the Hero

of Winds with a puzzle he sets that requires him to figure out the ancient

kingdom’s once-famous iconography. After passing this test, Link is finally

able to enter Mutoh’s Temple.

Much like the smaller tombs of the knights, Mutoh’s Temple is built in the

shape of a giant golden pyramid, with all manner of traps to thwart would-be

graverobbers and a slew of long-dead Stalfos and other dangerous monsters.

After braving the temple’s dangers and defeating Eox, a massive stone soldier

that was basically holding Mutoh’s soul hostage, Link meets the ghostly king,

who expresses his thanks for restoring peace to the temple and his slumber,

and his wonder at the ability Link has on display. In addition to a huge

birdlike belt buckle, cascading shoulder plates, and round metal hat, Mutoh

wears a sweeping regal red cape not dissimilar to those of the various Kings

of Hyrule. Also, no shirt; he’s king of a very warm kingdom. Upon seeing the

three Spirits that Link has accumulated, Mutoh realises that the boy is an

ally of the Ocean King, and though unable to do anything to personally help

in his present state, he’s only too happy to hand over the Pure Metal so that

Link may continue on his quest. After that, he returns to his deathly rest,

perhaps never to reawaken again.

=============================================================================

K i n g o f R e d L i o n s

Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

When the Three Goddesses drowned Hyrule, a sea formed over it and it was

frozen in time. All the occupants were either dead or suspended. But its

king, Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, remained, awaiting the opportunity to rebirth

his homeland.

To facilitate his efforts, he took physical form above the waves, where he

would be able to exert just enough influence when the time came. Curiously,

he chose to do this in the wooden body of a red boat with a regal, bestial,

talking figurehead. When the Helmaroc King threw Link into the sea, King of

Red Lions rescued him and then drifted to Windfall Island. From here, he

directed Link as he sought to gather the Goddesses’ Pearls.

The boat was quite modular, able to zip along by sail, fire a cannon, and

haul up treasure with the Grappling Hook. King of Red Lions was Link’s only

way to cross the endless stretches of blue ocean between islands. He was also

this game’s Navi, periodically offering gameplay hints via Tetra’s pendant

(taking over from Tetra after Link’s first visit to the Forsaken Fortress.)

He revealed his identity a little more than halfway through the game, when

Link and Tetra headed down to Hyrule so Daphnes could point out the fact that

she was Zelda without even knowing it. He is shown in the game’s final

sequence, when the three combat Ganondorf (though he himself does not

actually partake in battle.) At the end, the water ceiling collapses on

Hyrule, sealing it forever. The game’s a little coy about the king’s fate,

but it seems he drowned. Regardless, there is some poetry in his brave

sacrifice of self and kingdom in hopes for the future.

=============================================================================

K i n g Z o r a

Whole wheat, whole wheat

Race: Zora (betcha didn’t see that one coming)

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Oracle of Ages

Most members of his species are lean and athletic, but King Zora is frankly

immense. He’s three times Link’s girth. How can those scrawny little legs

possibly support that much weight? I guess they can’t, because he spends all

his time sitting on his proportionately massive throne, from which he governs

the Zora people. King Zora XVI seems to be relatively well liked by his

subjects, though without the blind adoration afforded Darunia by the Gorons.

His main purpose is to block off the way to Jabu-Jabu until Link finds Ruto’s

letter-in-a-bottle, at which point he scooches over to let him pass. (He

again bars the way to Jabu-Jabu in Oracle of Ages, but in a political rather

than physical sense.) When Ganondorf takes over, he encases all of Zora’s

Domain in ice, and many of its inhabitants in red ice. When Link thaws King

Zora using a bottle of Blue Fire, he explains the situation, directs Link to

the Water Temple, and gives him the Zora Tunic if he hasn’t already bought

it.

King Zora isn’t the first Zora sovereign in the Zelda series, though. In A

Link to the Past, a creature called Zora lived at the fountainhead of Zora’s

River, selling the occasional pair of Zora’s Flippers. Lots of Zora look

really different than the stock models, but Zora was just a really big Zola –

I guess he was to the Zora people what the Helmaroc King was to Helmarocs.

=============================================================================

K n o w – i t – A l l B r o t h e r s

Insufferable

Race: Kokiri

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

The Know-it-All Brothers have a very rare talent: Though very intelligent,

they all have the ability to explain things clearly and without patronizing

the listener. They hang out in their house near the Forest Training Ground,

waiting to explain some of the all-new mechanics to beginners.

=============================================================================

K n u c k l e

Possessed fiend

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

In spite of being an utter sycophant to his older brother to the point of

emulating his style of dress - though with blue in place of of green -

Knuckle is a complete handful to the point that Tingle cowers before him,

warning Link that he can’t control him when he gets angry. Like David Jr and

Ankle, Knuckle spends most of his time walking around and around in circles

pushing on handles attached to a pole, so that the giant effigy of Tingle’s

head at the top of Tingle Tower on Tingle Island can be made to spin. He

leaves the others straddled with the entirety of the task much of the time,

though, as evidenced by the fact that he completely just wanders off to

Outset Island for no real reason. This entails a short sidequest that

involves you allowing Knuckle to boss you around for a while; basically, he

gives a series of vague instructions about where to go, and after deciphering

what the hell he means by certain things you travel to that location, play

around with the Control Stick until the game recognizes you’ve reached your

destination, and then list to the next clue. After five or six rounds of

this, Knuckle gives the unwelcome news that you’ll be seeing him around a

whole lot more, because he’s hijacked one of the functions of the Tingle

Tuner and replaced it with an inferior one. Nah, it’s actually situationally

useful, but as I recall the one it replaced was actually one I wanted. Don’t

remember what that one was, but Knuckle’s function served as a shop you could

access from anywhere via the Tingle Tuner. Now you have to admit that IS

pretty cool, and often more convenient than running through bushes for ten

minutes looking to gather the supplies you need, and also allows for

otherwise unprecedented records at the Flight Control Platform’s Bird-Man

Contest, since you can buy a Green Ting halfway thr--no wait never mind,

that’s a function of the regular Tingle Tuner. Yeah, I guess Knuckle is

useless.

In The Minish Cap, he merely sits atop a plateau and offers to fuse Kinstone

pieces. So doing at a sufficient number of chronological junctions with the

entirety of the tetran squadron will result in the unlocking of a variety of

hitherto extremely well-hidden articles.

=============================================================================

K o m a l i

Snivelling bird prince

Race: Rito

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Komali offers the single greatest example of character development in the

entire Zelda series. All right, Zelda is not generally known for its intense,

character-driven plots (but rather for its epic storytelling), and

Ganondorf’s a pretty good one too, but Komali definitely evolves as the story

goes on. When we first meet him, the Prince of the Rito is so agoraphobic he

never leaves his room unless he absolutely has to. He clings (figuratively

and literally) to his Din’s Pearl, an object from his early childhood that

comforts him. He’s dependent on it and unwilling to part with it. He’s also

rather infatuated with Medli, the Great Valoo’s attendant, but can’t work up

the courage to tell her. Worst of all, though he could long ago have

confronted Valoo and earned a scale that would start his wings growing, he

has been too afraid to do so.

Seeing Link stride boldly into the volcano and defeat Gohma stirs something

inside him, however. He not only leaves his room, he gives up Din’s Pearl so

Link can continue his quest. He then immediately gains his dragon scale and

learns to fly. When Link returns to Dragon Roost Island, he’s looking for

Medli so he can give her a flower he picked, though it seems he never does

get to tell her his feelings. He seems a touch arrogant at this point, which

annoyed me. At the end of the game, he is part of the rescue party that hauls

up Link and Tetra when they appear on the surface of the Great Sea. He’s gone

from being a snivelling wuss to an active ally – good job, Big N.

=============================================================================

K o u m e a n d K o t a k e

Senile surrogates

Race: Gerudo maybe

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Without the experimental magician twins, Hyrule would have been saved an

awful lot of trouble. When Ganondorf was born, they raised him as his

surrogate mothers, indoctrinating him with warped ideologies that would shape

his ambitions and, thus, the fate of Hyrule itself. The two are fairly

magically adept, but their power is limited in scope: They are skilled in

elemental magic – Koume (red) wields fire, while Kotake (blue) controls ice –

but to achieve great effects they tend to rely on sacrifices and elaborate

rituals. Perhaps to compensate for this limit, they are able to combine their

powers and become Twinrova, wherein they share a slightly less ugly body with

the powers of both fire and ice. The secret to defeating the duo is using the

Mirror Shield to reflect their magic, sending their own attacks right back at

them.

They might not have Ganondorf’s genius, but they too do their fair share of

scheming. One of their smartest acts was to magically brainwash Nabooru, the

Sage of Spirit and leader of the resistance against Ganondorf, and imprison

her in Iron Knuckle armour. This essentially cut off the resistance movement

until Link was able to free her. What’s more, they are behind all the trouble

caused in the Oracle saga. By unleashing General Onox and Sorceress Veran,

their intent was to light three mystical flames: The Flame of Sorrow, the

Flame of Destruction, and the Flame of Despair. They succeeded in lighting

two of the three but required Zelda to light the third. After much struggle

they eventually did, freeing (or perhaps resurrecting) Ganon, which

unfortunately for them didn’t last long.

Though the real-world versions are fundamentally evil, their alternate-

universe counterparts in Termina are really just sweet old ladies. They run a

joint Potion shop in Southern Swamp, near the Woods of Mystery. Skull Kid

beats up Koume, but she returns to fighting form when Link brings her a Red

Potion. After that, she offers tours of the swamp in her boat.

=============================================================================

L a r u t o

Because you can never have too many Sages

Race: Zora

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Like Fado, this wise, motherly character was murdered by Ganondorf so that

she could no longer pray at the Earth Temple, which weakened the Master

Sword. As such, she teaches Link the Earth God’s Lyric, the first half of The

Wind Waker’s theme. When he conducts it for Medli, she awakens as a Sage and

realises her destiny. I quite like Laruto for some reason, maybe because Zora

are cool. Just in case you’re dense, I’ll take this opportunity to point out

how similar her name is to that of Ruto, Princess of the Zora people and Sage

of Water in Ocarina of Time. Also, off the top of my head I can think of only

three Zora who wear clothes, and Laruto is one of them.

=============================================================================

L e n z o

Legendary pictographer

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Majora’s Mask introduced us to the Picto Box, but The Wind Waker takes it to

new levels. To facilitate this, we have Lenzo, who lives on Windfall Island

and has dedicated his whole life to taking quality pictographs. He gives Link

his first pictograph machine, which can only take black-and-white

pictographs. A little later, Link can take on a somewhat lengthy side-quest

that ends with Lenzo shoving a fairy into his machine, creating the Deluxe

Picto Box, which is capable of taking colour exposures. Carlov will only be

inspired by a pictograph if it is in colour.

=============================================================================

L i b r a r i

Chapters

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Book ‘im, Dan-o: Librari quite possibly taking the Zelda cake for idiotically

(criminally!) uncreative names. He resides in the Hyrule Town Library

performing the bookkeeping with a stylish white quill bigger than he is. He

is the focal point of a side quest that sees Link running all over town

collecting people’s overdue library books and returning them on their behalf.

In the aftergame, Librari tires of city life and relocates to a little cave

in Lake Hylia, where Link receives the Heart Container with the most complex

conditions of his career, requiring him to visit half the Minish in Hyrule.

Librari wears blue from hat to shoes, the customary clothes of a Town Minish.

He has a brother living in Minish Village, Gentari.

=============================================================================

L i g h t S p i r i t s

Baron Protectors

Race: Lesser Deities

Appearances: Twilight Princess

The patron deities of Twilight-era Hyrule, three of the spirits looked after

the main provinces, while the fourth watched over a prefecture just outside

of it. Each resides at a Spirit Spring, which restores Link’s health when he

walks through it. They are Ordona, Faron, Eldin, and Lanayru, after which

each of those provinces is named.

Notice each name is a derivative from the Three Goddesses – ORdona, FARon,

ElDIN, and LaNAYRU. Ordon is a goat, Faron is a monkey, Eldin is a boar, and

Lanayru is a snake. Zant reduced the latter three to mere shells when he

engulfed their respective regions in Twilight, but Link recovered their light

from the insects that were running around with it and in so doing restored

the spirits, allowing them to return light to their particular province.

=============================================================================

L i n d a

Desirable bachelorette

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

This Windfall Island native is apparently quite popular with the boys, as not

one but two young men fall madly in infatutation with her. The first is Kamo,

the local brooding persona non grata and her childhood friend who now wants

to be more than a friend, but isn’t man enough to do anything about it,

leaving her oblivious to his feelings. Meanwhile, Linda is taken with someone

else: Anton, Windfall’s studly power-walker. This somewhat slow fellow

mumbles to himself about needing a girlfriend, but finds himself unable to

think of any good candidates. If Link shows him a colour pictograph of Linda,

however, he’ll be struck with inspiration and resolve to ask her out, which

he subsequently does a few days later. You can find the lovebirds in Windfall

Cafe, where Linda will happily announce that the two are now Facebook

official and offer a less-than-subtle symbol of their affection, a Heart

Piece, as thanks for setting them up.

Her iconic orange dress was a gift from her best friend Sue-Belle, Sturgeon’s

daughter, who lived on Windfall before returning to Outset Island to care for

her ailing progenitor.

=============================================================================

L i n e b e c k

One-man crew

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Aonuma is really on a roll. Actually, I should give that credit to his

character designers, but I don’t know any of their names, so I’ll just let

him soak it up, because in any case he’s been responsible for back-to-back

Zelda games that have introduced an incredibly cool character. Linebeck is

150 pounds of pure unadulterated awesome. (Contrast that to Midna’s 19 or so

pounds of pure unadulterated awesome.)

Linebeck adds some much-needed variety to the Zelda universe. Up to this

point we’ve largely been presented with romantic archetypes like the heroic

Link, or thoughtful townsperson, or unbearably evil Ganon. Only recently have

more rounded characters begun to show up, and Linebeck is our latest proof of

concept.

The rogue is dripping with more flavour than New York sirloin. Sarcastic,

narcissistic, and self-serving, he’s probably the most realistic character in

the entire series. He may not be as ruthless and vindictive as Midna or the

Three Goddesses, but he’s not exactly a great guy. It’s quite clear he has a

past, too, another rarity (I’m talking about Jolene specifically.) His entire

motivation for helping Link and Ciela, the fact that his actions may prevent

the ushering-in of an age of darkness notwithstanding, is that he views it as

an opportunity to get rich quick.

Yet at the same time, he also experiences some development. Initially, he

sees his travel companions as tools, many of their detours as irritants, and

the whole save-the-world thing as being quite taxing on his time. But by the

end, it’s clear they’ve grown close. He’s broadened his horizons, and come to

find worth in things he’d never before considered valuable. In the finale, he

even displays a bit of unprecedented heroism. And he does it all without

sacrificing what made him cool in the first place, or at least not entirely.

He’s visually different from basically every other character in the series,

as well. His disproportionate body, admiral’s coat, and deep bags under his

eyes give him a unique look. He’s also the only main character so far who’s

middle-aged – we see our young (usually very young) heroes, and our wise old

men and women, and our however-old villains, and Linebeck adds variety, like

I said earlier. On top of that, he’s always playing with some gadget or

another, a sea chart or his telescope or whatever.

He makes another first by being the only non-evil character besides Link to

venture into a dungeon alone. Of course, he almost immediately becomes stuck

and requires Link to rescue him, but I still thought it was cool.

Most of the time, though, he just stays with the boat. It could have to do

with the fact that he’s a bit of a coward (or, in my view, prefers to go

around problems instead of through them), but more likely it’s because he’s a

character who began life as a game mechanic. TWW solved some boat-related

design conundrums by making the boat alive; PH does it with Linebeck, whose

main purpose throughout the story (in addition to trading witty banter with

Ciela) is to operate his ship, the S.S. Linebeck, which he does from below as

Link stands on deck, manning its contraptions, watching the horizons and

charting a course. In fact, it’s a pretty sweet ride; Link should be glad to

have it at his disposal. Notably, there’s no sailing in PH, rather the S.S.

Linebeck is of course a S.teamS.hip, which is pretty interesting.

In fact, interesting sums up Linebeck himself quite well. Another good job,

Kyouto boys and girls!

=============================================================================

L i n e b e c k I I I

Manipulative merchant

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Linebeck III’s introduction is so well done. We complete a dungeon and a new

spot opens up on the map; we go to investigate, not expecting anything more

special than a hint as to our new destination; and then BAM! Out of nowhere,

we have Linebeck, except with a really cool new hat. Basically a carbon copy

of the now dearly departed Linebeck from Phantom Hourglass, but somewhat less

sly and definitely less resourceful, Linebeck III (and presumably Linebeck

II?) is every bit as money-obsessed as his grandfather (come to think of it,

what fine lass did Linebeck settle down with, now?). Inanity aside, we

quickly find out that Linebeck knows a guy who can fix the bridge leading to

the Ocean Realm, but he owes a huge debt to him. It’s a problem, but Linebeck

I had the presence of mind to leave his grandson a Regal Ring if he were ever

in serious trouble; I’m guessing he had a more desperate situation in mind,

but Link braves the monsters and traps, recovers the ring, and offers it to

the Bridge Worker in place of Linebeck’s debt, which is really an awfully

good deal, because the Ring’s market value is almost twice as much as he

owed. That actually really annoyed me, it just seemed like such a waste.

Either way, after this, Linebeck’s Trading Post becomes available for

business. At what are, all things considered, very reasonable deals, Linebeck

will trade Rupees or Train Parts for Treasures. If you want to get the golden

set and thus have the maximum possible number of hearts, you’re going to have

to be either very dedicated or rather lucky, because although most people

have a majority of the Treasures they need, some are just really hard to come

by, requiring countless runs through the shooting gallery or what have you in

order to obtain the necessary items. This is also a great way to make money,

as you can easily make a run nearby Whittleton with your sword and Whirlwind

and find a whole ton of common Treasures that you can haul back for a super-

quick 50 Rupees each.

Late in the game, Link can undertake a sidequest that involves hauling Goron

special-crop Dark Ore from the eastern Fire Realm all the way to the Trading

Post. If he can manage to bring Linebeck a turn of 5 or more Dark Ore, which

he badly wants for research purposes, he’ll be rewarded with another batch of

Spirit Tracks.

=============================================================================

L i n k

Saviour of Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: All main-series Zelda games

Link’s Crossbow Training

Here he is: The main man of the Zelda series. Link, in his numerous

incarnations, has continually wielded items and weapons of great power and

ingenuity, vanquished evil, played countless mini-games and, above all,

guarded Hyrule from whatever danger it might face. He’s had various

companions and allies over the years, but operates largely alone, as a single

brave warrior standing against vastly greater odds. He’s a very romantic hero

in that sense.

Let’s talk about his signature garb. From day one, Link has worn his highly

identifiable green tunic. It has been a few colours; in Ocarina of Time,

differently coloured tunics had different magical properties, and in the Four

Swords series each player takes on a Link of varying tunic colours (including

a purple one for P4.) But most important is his headgear, a long green cap

that falls behind his head and ends in a point. Hmm – that was surprisingly

difficult to describe. Whatever, you know what it looks like. That cap is

like his calling card. In The Minish Cap, Ezlo just so happened to take that

form when he was transformed into a hat. Link is typically seen with a sword

and shield slung over his shoulders, as those are his preferred weapons in

combat. The Wind Waker marked the first time we saw Link without the

trappings of the green garb – he wore typical islander clothing for about two

minutes until he got the Hero’s Clothes, or for the whole game in the Second

Quest. In Twilight Princess, he begins with a cool ranch-hand costume, but

quickly moves on. The situation is somewhat similar in Spirit Tracks, where

he begins with the Engineer’s Uniform but is in his customary attire by the

time the adventure is underway (though he has the option of returning to the

new much later on.)

Link is altruistic by nature. Many times, he has faced seemingly

insurmountable challenges that taxed him in every way, simply because he knew

it was the right thing to do. Furthermore, he takes time out of his

imperative quests so that he may stop and assist people in their personal

lives. He has repaired relationships, elevated struggling businesses, turned

people away from lives of crime, delivered medicine to the ill and injured,

restored old glories’ confidence, comforted people in times of need,

befriended total strangers because they needed him to, saved quite a number

of people from being mugged by thieves or assaulted by monsters, and united

at least two couples. And that only scratches the surface. He does all this

without expecting any reward, and he often doesn’t get one – and that’s just

fine with him, because that’s how he is.

His destiny is irrevocably intertwined with that of Ganondorf, Zelda, the

Triforce, and the Three Goddesses. Again and again he has been reincarnated

to combat evil, wielding the Triforce of Courage. Nearly every time Ganondorf

has tried to conquer Hyrule, which would give him near-infinite power, Link

has stopped him at the last minute. Zelda has sought him out time and again,

understanding what must be done. His work will never be done until all evil

has been purged from the land.

Link is a smart little dude, and quite good with his hands. He seems able to

instantly master any tool or item he finds, even if he’s never seen one

before – the rhythms of Hookshots, Boomerangs, Bows, the reins of a horse,

Mole Mitts, and even musical instruments are all second nature to him. Though

he has, admittedly, had a few tutors, he seems almost supernaturally adept

with a sword, able to best exceptionally skilled swordsmen while having had

almost no formal training. He easily masters the Spin Attack, the hidden move

of the ancient Hylia, when only a handful of others have. This is a clear

indication of his intelligence – through careful observation and deductive

critical thinking, he is able to solve dungeon puzzles that would confound

the most logical mathematician.

Yet despite this intelligence, Link never seems to speak. Or if he does, his

dialogue is assumed, as many characters seem to respond to his ‘words,’ and

he is able to pass along information without banter. Obviously, this is a

holdover from early on in the video games industry when voice-overs weren’t

yet standard. In one interview, Miyamoto mentioned that one of the main

reasons Link didn’t have any dialogue in The Wind Waker despite the available

technology was that many people have imagined in their heads what his voice

would sound like, and he didn’t want to spoil it for them. I think it has

more to do with one of the stated key concepts behind Zelda: When you play a

Zelda game, you don’t play as Link, you actually _become_ Link, and giving

him overly much character would take away from that. (I think the developers

succeed at this goal.) Regardless, in more recent games Link has had a

collection of yells, squawks, grunts, and cries of pain to punctuate whatever

he’s doing.

Another quirk is his left-handedness. In a world filled with right-handed

characters, Link is a lefty. Did you know that, on average, right-handers

live eight years longer than left-handers? Or something like that. Anyway,

maybe I’m evil for saying that his left-handedness is a *quirk*, but you know

what I mean. Actually, there’s some evidence that he’s ambidextrous, though I

prefer left-handed to ambi. Fun fact: In the first and second Zelda games,

Link held his sword in his right hand when facing to the right. Why swap?

Official answer: Death Mountain is to the north, so he keeps his shield

toward it to fend off its evil energies. Real-world answer: Lazy programmers

have less work to do when they simply flip the sprite rather than drawing a

whole new one.

Link appears as one of the initial eight characters in Super Smash Bros, and

both he and Young Link (from Ocarina; YL is unlockable) come on out for

Melee. Both Link and Toon Link show up in Brawl. Link is a sub-par character

in all three, unfortunately, and Young Link is even worse. The fact is, Link

is just way too slow and laggy, and Young Link is too weak and light. Toon

Link is...halfway decent, actually, but still fairly lacking. They barely

ever see competitive play, but seem to show up an awful lot in casual games.

When they do take to the field, Link relies on his mildly powerful Smash

attacks and the good mid-range game that comes with his Bombs, Bow and

Boomerang. Three of Melee’s Event Matches are focussed on Link: One has Young

Link pitted against the superior Link, and another has Link against a black-

coated Level 9 Link CPU. Triforce Gathering, maybe my favourite Event Match,

has Link (player) and an idiotic Zelda on a team against Ganondorf.

That’s not his only fighting game appearance, however. Link was the GameCube-

exclusive character on Namco’s Soul Calibre 2. His story here is non-canon to

both Zelda and Soul Calibre, and is boring and uncreaive anyway. Opinions on

his power are mixed: I’ve heard both that he’s the most broken character in

the game, and that he’s the weakest. I know nothing about competitive SC so I

can’t speak to that, but I will vouch that I do all right with him and that

he looks pretty damn cool when the SC aesthetic is applied to him. Every

character in SC has buyable weapons that horrendously unbalance the game, and

Link gets a little trip down memory lane with everything from the Magic Sword

to the Megaton Hammer to the Mirror Shield. At least the boys and girls at

Namco took the time to do their research. I must also say that the movies

associated with Link are pretty neat, especially his Weapon Demonstration –

that is some seriously sweet stuff imho! It’s fun to see the sword techniques

that wouldn’t make sense in an adventure game.

Link is so legendary, many have seen fit to give him a cameo in their games –

which is only fair, really, considering stuff like the Mario paintings in

houses and Yoshi portrait in Hyrule Castle. Thinking back, in the original

Final Fantasy there was a cemetery in Elfland, where Link’s name appeared on

a headstone, but only in the Japanese version – due to licensing

restrictions, the text was changed to ‘Here lies Erdrick,’ as in the hero of

the Dragon Warrior series, for the NTSC version. I’m pretty sure he also

appeared as one of the characters playing an instrument in the credits of the

NES Tetris. He might also be in F-1 Race, but somehow I’m thinking he isn’t

(a little help, anyone?) I’m not a big fan of World of WarCraft, but one

quest in that game involves a green tunic-clad gnome named Linken, who is

trying to recover his Golden Flame or something – an obvious reference to the

Triforce. At the inn in Super Mario RPG, Link is seen resting up – after a

while, he checks out and Samus from Metroid takes his place. In Donkey Kong

Country, Cranky Kong rates DK at the end of the game based on his percentage

of completion; he is rated against three other heroes, and Rank C (C?? What

kind of Zelda-bashing bs is that!? ^_-) is Link. There’s yet more! In the

Kirby series, in every title after Kirby’s Adventure, when Kirby gained the

Sword ability he donned Link’s hat (with a yellow bobble on the end) and

wielded a caricaturized version of the Master Sword, Sword Beams and all. And

incidentally, the boss Paint Roller will sometimes sketch an image of the

Triforce.

=============================================================================

L i n k ’ s r e l a t i v e s

It’s all about family

Race: Hylians

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Ocarina of Time

The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

Link is generally portrayed as a free-rollicking dude without any family to

tie him down. That doesn’t cheapen his intense loyalty, of course, since he

clearly values people like Saria. Anyway, a lot of fans assume that he and

Zelda get married, maybe in multiple incarnations, but this unlikely scenario

notwithstanding he actually has more rets than you might think.

Link’s uncle – He was so irrelevant, the devs never even bothered to give him

a name. That’s just as well. The moustachioed, blue-haired thug receives

Zelda’s telepathic cry for help in the night. Taking up the family sword, he

strides forth and is promptly killed by Moblins. Link, who also got the

message, comes upon his uncle as he dies and receives the sword from him.

Uncster’s famous last words were ‘Zelda is your...’ which a lot of people

took to be ‘Zelda is your sister,’ or any number of things, really. The

Japanese version tells us that it was actually supposed to be the somewhat

nonsensically phrased ‘Zelda is your destiny,’ but the last word got cut off

due to the size of the text box. He is revived at the end of the game as part

of Link’s wish to the Triforce.

Link’s mommy – Ocarina of Time’s manual explains that Link’s mom was attacked

and mortally wounded when he was only a few days old, but she managed to

stagger to the Great Deku Tree before dying. She pleaded with him to raise

Link among the Kokiri, which he did, knowing Link’s destiny.

Aryll – As one of two relative characters in The Wind Waker, Aryll really

pisses a lot of people off. They ask, Why does Link suddenly have a sister?

OMG IT MAKES NO CENSE!!!1 Well, she’s there, deal with it. She’s also quite a

sweet little girl who looks a lot like Zelda, and gets kidnapped in the

beginning of the game because of it. This sets the story in motion. On Link’s

first journey up the Forsaken Fortress, he almost rescues her but is captured

before he can. In the redux, Tetra’s pirates appear and whisk her off to

safety, along with Mila and Maggie. The latter two return home to Windfall

Island but Aryll stays with the pirates for the duration of the game. They

even pay her for the work she does on the ship. At the end of the game, she

watches sadly as Link sails away from Outset Island forever.

Grandma – For some reason, Grandma creates less waves than Aryll. Whatever.

She is responsible for giving Link the Hero’s Clothes, the family Hero’s

Shield, and batch after batch of hearty soup that is not only free, but the

most powerful potion in any Zelda game: It completely replenishes Link’s

health and magic, AND doubles his attack power until he’s struck. That’s

pretty awesome stuff. There’s a very emotional scene when she looks sadly out

to sea at the retreating stern of the pirate ship as Link heads off for the

Forsaken Fortress. She becomes despondent and depressed when Link leaves, but

a fairy cheers her up. Her figurine says she enjoys playing the occasional

prank on Link.

Smith – Link gets another uncle for The Minish Cap, who looks nothing like

the previous one. This guy is kinda cool because he was an accomplished

swordsman in his youth, fighting to a draw with King Daltus at the Picori

Festival. He spends most of his time in his and Link’s house, shaping steel

in the workshop.

=============================================================================

L i n k – g o r o

Mysterious doppelganger?

Race: Goron

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

No, YOU don’t know how to alphabetize.

Ocarina of Time featured a Goron named Link (or whatever you named yourself)

who was the apparently seven-year-old progeny of Big Brother Darmani, who

named him such in honour of his brotherly relationship with hero of the

Gorons and honoury Goron Link, who would later take the mantle of Hero of

Time and encounter his namesake, who explained that the race was again in

danger of extinction as the recently resurrected Alaskan firedragon Volvagia

had burninated half their home and kidnapped most of its inhabitants,

presumably for the purposes of storage and later consumption. To assist Link

in his quest to save everyone he’s ever loved, Link the Goron helpfully

provides the heat-resisting Goron Tunic, which is a lot more than other

charatcers do for Link when he’s trying to accomplish something similar.

Link-goro, however, is obviously quite different from this character (whom I

don’t feel like giving an entry and thus avoided doing so by halfheartedly

describing him in this one): Much older and worse-educated, some have

actually theorized that he is Link’s alt-world analogue. We’ve also done the

same for the Deku Butler’s son and Skull Kid, though, so the idea might not

hold that much weight, especially since it’s based on name only.

Link-goro’s main purpose is to have a name similar enough to Link’s that

scatterbrained hotel manager Anju mistakes the two and thinks that Link has a

reservation, which was made by Link-goro in advance of his arrival in Clock

Town. You can actually observe him and Anju having one of two conversations,

depending on whether or not you snagged the poor guy’s reservation already;

one simply has him happily take his room key and disappear into his room,

never to return. In the other, he and Anju try to figure out what happened,

but nothing can be done because the rooms are all filled (all three of them),

and it ends with Link-goro leaving sadly. And that’s about all he ever does.

Due to his tendency to wear clothing, Link-goro’s design is about a hundred

times more interesting than that of any other Goron. He has what TVtropes

would call a ‘badass hat,’ a stitched blue vest, and a whole ton of

traveller’s luggage riding around on his back, with the typical, you know,

like gigantic wooden garbage can type thing, on top of which is lashed a

rolled sleeping bag that he never actually uses, preferring to simply sit on

the ground. It rains on the 2nd Day, so he takes shelter under a canopy just

outside the inn. He also finishes every single sentence with ‘-goro.’

‘Really-goro?’ Also, I think he’s the single and only person in the world who

came to Clock Town as a tourist, which is odd since it’s supposed to be a

huge event. Ok fine, maybe the apocalypse resulted in a slightly lower

turnout than projected.

=============================================================================

L o k o m o s

Brand new dance

Race: Lokomos

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

As Link journeys around Hyrule, he must meet with the master of the Sanctuary

within each Realm in order to learn a new song for his Spirit Flute, which

restores the Spirit Tracks leading to the next Temple and thus grants access

his next destination. Locating and then satisfying the needs of each

successive guardian often entails a small quest in and of itself. Each Lokomo

including Anjean, he finds, rides around in a little bulbous putt-putting

hoverchair. They also all have names that are puns on elements of a train,

which is an extraordinary coincidence, really.

Gage - Guardian of the Forest Sanctuary, Gage proudly displays an afro, a

goatee and a cello. Appearing to be around 30 or so, he is by far the

youngest of the Lokomo we meet.

Steem – Snow Sanctuary Sage Steem sports a shamisen. The vainest of the

Lokomo, he is the only one who cares about his cave’s interior design, and

will later ask Link to deliver a Papuchia Village pot to liven the place up a

bit.

Carben – Flute-wielder Carben is the steward of the Ocean Realm and the

Lokomo with the most involved storyline quest. When Link and Zelda arrive at

his Sanctuary, they find a hastily written note explaining that he has

departed for Papuchia Village; backtracking, they find him flying in the sky

on the wings of some of the giant black birds who carry trapezes in their

talons. Learning the Song of Birds from a nearby Song Stone, Link uses it in

the vicinity to attract Carben’s attention and bring him down. After a short

chat, he agrees to return with them to Ocean Sanctuary, but on the way there

they are assuaged by Bokoblin pirates. Link leaps to the passenger car to

defend Carben from the would-be kidnappers, eventually taking down a huge,

club-wielding, hitstun-impervious Big Blin. With this defeat the pirates

withdraw and the trio continues to the Sanctuary.

Embrose – Doubtleslly the most passionate and hot-headed Lokomo in Hyrule,

Embrose bears a thin moustache, mountainous red hair, and a set of drums

recalling the Goron Bongos of Majora’s Mask.

Rael – Befitting his station as Sage of the Sand Sanctuary, Rael’s hair

resembles a Pharoahic headdress. Hidden deep in the desert, Rael may be the

most mysterious Lokomo of all; his desire for solitude and self-sufficiency

goes so far that he will later ask Link to bring him some Cuccos, that he may

start a farm or something. His oboe opens the way to the pyramidal Sand

Temple.

All six Lokomos make one final appearance midway through the final battle

with Malladus, joining in Link and Zelda’s would-be duet to lend a hand in

revealing the demon king’s weak spot. In the ending, they transform into pure

light and depart with Anjean and Byrne, their energy exhausted and their

purpose served.

=============================================================================

M a d a m e A r o m a

Dior

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Kafei’s mother and Mayor Dotour’s wife, Clock Town’s First Lady takes a large

role in Termina’s day-to-day administration. She is almost only ever seen in

the day, in a side room at the Mayor’s Residence in East Clock Town, seeing

to appointments that are apparently backed up quite far. The situation is

only compounded by the upcoming Carnival of Time, which requires an insane

amount of organization what with all its various acts and activites and makes

her virtually unreachable; Toto waits for like three days straight before

being told he can’t get an audience with her, I believe.

She has no problem having a quick convo with Link, however, whom she asks, as

one might, if he has seen her missing son. If he has at this point, I

seriously doubt he recognized him, since he’d never met him before and

because the man-boy was dressed up as a magical fox. Well, she says sadly,

maybe you’ll keep an eye out for him, and also interrogate every single

person you meet as to whether or not they know what’s up. Sure thing. She

gives him the Keaton’s Mask in order to do this, apparently because Kafei is

indistinguishable in most Terminians minds from that beast. Well I mean like

I said, he WAS wearing a Keaton’s Mask of his own when in hiding so - hey

wait a second that’s the worst disguise ever. But isn’t it kind of cool to

see how they handle verbal communication with a character who never speaks?

Especially in this game, which also has Tatl. I also wouldn’t mind reading a

Majora’s Mask text dump at some point, some people have interesting things to

say about his disappearance. Later on in your quest to reunite Kafei and

Anju, you can find Madame Aroma in the Milk Bar waiting for everything to be

destroyed. She, uh, gives you an Empty Bottle.

Madame Aroma appears to be a very supportive mother and wife and seems to

heartily approve of her future daughter-in-law. And man, I never realised

until I wrote this entry what a subtly strong character she really is, wow.

That’s one reason I love writing this guide; I learn so much stuff about my

favourite series that I never knew before, just by thinking about it.

The woman is fairly plain-looking so even though I try to include at least a

cursory explanation of each character’s physical appearance, there’s not much

to say here even though I sort of feel like I should. She, uh, wears a dress?

And has purple hair, like Kafei.

=============================================================================

M a d a m e M e o w M e o w

Catlike dog-lover

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Madame MeowMeow is a resident of Mabe Village who keeps two small Chain

Chomps and one larger one in her backyard. The larger one is called BowWow,

and King Moblin kidnaps him when he raids Mabe while Link is in the Tail

Cave. Link rescues BowWow and returns him to Madame MeowMeow, who asks for

him to walk him – which works out nicely since the only way to enter Bottle

Grotto is to have BowWow eat the Goponga Flowers blocking its entrance.

=============================================================================

M a d B a t t e r

Soatome Ranma

Race: Batter

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Link’s Awakening

A clear reference to Alice in Wonderland’s Mad Hatter, the Mad Batter is a

nominally bat-like entity who hangs out in caves and the bottoms of wells.

After bashing your way into his home/prison with the Magic Hammer and

reanimating him with a shot of Magic Powder - which I realise is just a lazy

catch-all for use when it would be pointlessly complex to create a unique

gameplay solution, but seriously, that stuff is hardcore - the Mad Batter

springs to life, condemns you for waking him, and thanks for you waking him.

The whole thing is sort of like what happens when you wake a djinn up before

it’s been 1000 years. What, you never read that book? After a little internal

debate, he decides to unleash a horrific curse on you that effectively

doubles your Magic Metre (by making all spells cost half as much as they did

before, a state called 1/2 Magic.) He is nice about it, though, at least

having the good manners to ask your permission first. Indecision Incarnate

then calls for your eternal suffering before bidding you good day and taking

off to who knows where.

In Link’s Awakening his grip on reality isn’t much stronger. Once summoned to

one of three caves in Mysterious Woods, Martha’s Bay, and Tal Tal Heights by

means of tossing Magic Powder into a flame-maker, he will appear to accost

you with the ability to carry more of either Arrows, Bombs, or the Powder

itself. ‘Look at all that junk you have to carry!’

Hopefully the helpful malcontent will show his face again sometime.

=============================================================================

M a j o r a ’ s M a s k

Sealed demon lying in wait

Race: Demon

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

In ancient Termina, there was a monstrously evil entity known as Majora.

Majora was so powerful, it threatened to destroy the entire world. The most

powerful magicians of the time were able to contain it in a horned mask that

soon fell into legend. Majora’s Mask was enshrined so that it would never

again endanger the land, but one day a travelling mask salesman found it and

added it to his collection. He knew its power but thought he could handle it.

Unfortunately, one day a frustrated Skull Kid stole it and put it on. Majora

promptly possessed Skull Kid and used him as its puppet. Though still not at

full power, Majora wrought havoc on the Terminians and, working with the

Skull Kid’s ill intentions and granting his desire to cause everyone misery,

set the moon on a collision course with Clock Town that would wipe out the

whole land, not to mention its spawner, Hyrule.

Link eventually confronted it and expelled Majora’s Mask from Skull Kid, who

was proven to be just a puppet. Majora fled to the moon and created five

mask-wearing children. After Link had played with the Odoruwa Child, the Goht

Child, the Gyorg Child, and the Twinmold Child, he finally spoke with the

Majora Child, who was wearing Majora’s Mask. The Majora Child wanted to play,

too, but instead of hide-and-seek, like the rest of them, he wanted to play

good guys and bad guys. He gave Link the Fierce Deity’s Mask so he could be

the Bad Guy. In Kishin Link form, the Hero of Hyrule did battle with the

three-formed Majora’s Mask and defeated it with little trouble. Link returned

Majora’s Mask to the Happy Mask Salesman, as he had promised, but the

salesman mentioned that all power had been drained from the mask and it had

become just a piece of wood, though one with an exceptional history. What

happened to Majora...?

That’s how I understand Majora’s backstory, anyway. I had to piece some

things together without a lot of in-game clarity, but that’s about as

accurate as it gets, I think.

=============================================================================

M a k a r

Rebellious runaway

Race: Korok

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Of all the Great Deku Tree’s Koroks, Makar was always the most adventurous.

He was constantly running off and getting in trouble, leaving the other

Koroks to bail him out. Makar was a talented violinist (like his ancestor,

Fado) and was to be the centrepiece of the most important Korok festival,

but, while flying over the Forbidden Woods, was attacked by Helmarocs and

knocked into the lair of Kalle Demos. When Link reached the Forest Haven, he

was tasked with rescuing Makar. Later on, Makar is found practicing for next

year’s festival, already working on a new song. When Link plays the Wind

God’s Aria for him, he awakens as the new Sage of Winds and accompanies Link

to the Wind Temple. Here, Link can use the Command Melody to control Makar

for a while, using his ability to fly on petal props to hit switches and

whatnot. When Link defeats Molgera, Makar stays in the Wind Temple’s inner

sanctum to pray to the gods, finally restoring the Master Sword to full

power.

=============================================================================

M a k u T r e e s

Obvious tributes

Race: Maku

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Maku Trees figure into the Oracle saga pretty heavily. After all, the

Japanese games are called ‘Nut of the Mysterious Tree,’ and said nut appears

in the logo. The purpose of this nut is to dispel the barrier blocking access

to the final boss; it grows larger and larger as Link recovers the Essences

of either Nature or Time, and falls to the ground when he gathers all eight.

Both of them open up paths as Link collects Essences, which lead to minor

rewards like Gasha Seeds. They are also both home to Farore, the Oracle of

Secrets. The Maku Trees are pretty obvious tributes to the Deku Tree from fan

favourite Ocarina of Time, in that both are wise, giant trees. All three have

fallen under a curse, too, and are near death when Link finds them. They’re

far from carbon copies, however.

Oracle of Seasons’ male Maku Tree mostly just sleeps, waking only when Link

pops his snot bubble. At this point he gives him a clue on where the next

dungeon is located before drifting off again. Ages’ much livelier Maku Tree

is female and is seen in two forms: Her full-size present day one, and as a

mere sprout 400 years in the past. Link saves her from marauding Moblins in

the past, when she makes him promise to come back someday and marry her.

Okay, Link has been the object of infatuation for fish-girls, ectoplasmic

entities and enormous old women, but a tree is pretty out there. Ages’ Maku

Tree is significantly younger and smaller, and even girlish at times.

=============================================================================

M a l l a d u s

Malcontentious

Race: Demon

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

The Link and Zelda of The Wind Waker and Phantom Hourglass can’t have been

too pleased when they reached their new home. First Hyrule is drowned by the

gods because they couldn’t think of a better way to keep Ganondorf in check –

to say nothing of the fact that _it didn’t even work_ - but they are then

tasked with leaving everything behind and going to search for a new one,

because the king said it would probably be a good idea if they would do that.

Then they finally reach the new Hyrule, and what do they find? It’s in the

grip of a Demon King, and they’re going to have to rid the land of his

influence. Like, ugh, didn’t we just do this?

Twice?

Fortunately, this time they have at their disposal Anjean, who helps them

with her miraculous magic. Together, they seal Malladus beneath the surface

of Hyrule, binding him with...train tracks, which are built to run across the

entire country. And their users regulate themselves, meaning that accidents

must be incredibly frequent. Anyway, Malladus continues on like this for

about a century (which must be incredibly aggravating, just sitting there

doing nothing, ever, for decades, but maybe time has a bit of a different

meaning when you’re immortal), at which point a lesser demon, Cole, and his

follower, Byrne, manage to cut the ties that bind and release Malladus from

his prison. Byrne leaps in front of Cole, eager to offer his allegiance in

exchange for a slice of Malladus’s power, but he is apparently much more

choosy than that. In spite of his already immense power, Byrne was once

Lokomo, so he can screw right off. Ouch. Cole and Malladus take off for the

Dark Realm aboard the Demon Train, with a view to gathering their strength,

and the opposing crew scrambles to mount a counteroffensive.

Eventually, they pursue them into the ephemeral otherworld, and after first

tangling with the Demon Train and then fighting Cole atop it, Link and Zelda

brace themselves for a battle with the giant bull. Zelda, fortunately, has an

idea for how to deal with the threat, but the move takes like five minutes to

charge up. Link’s task, therefore, is to ward off the fireballs that home in

on her as she prepares her spell. If she’s struck at all, Link will take some

damage in her stead and she’ll be forced to start over. When the spell does

go off, Malladus is momentarily addled, and the princess prompts Link to whip

out his Spirit Flute and play a tune with her. THIS spell summons Anjean and

the other Lokomo, who in turn highlight Malladus’s only weak spot. Link

charges in and barrages it with sword strikes, following which Malladus gets

angrier and eats Cole, granting him even greater power, wicked horns, and a

moustache. Later on, he does the same thing to Byrne; what a glutton. At any

rate, this is the fun part. Once again directing the actions of both Link and

Zelda in concert, the object here is, either by walking Zelda to an

advantageous spot or distracting Malladus with Link’s sword, to position

Zelda behind Malladus so that she can shoot him in his vulnerable spine with

the Bow of Light. Missed shots will cost some time as she readies another

magically infused arrow. When she gets a hit, Link can once more rush in and

go to town on the glowing ulcer. Ultimately, Malladus can only take so much

of this and is reduced to a snivelling wisp before being banished from the

world forever. Truly another great battle from Spirit Tracks; counting the

business with the Demon Train and Cole, it more or less combines every major

gameplay element from the entire rest of the adventure, and has quite

possibly the widest variety of activities I’ve ever seen in one battle. The

killing blow is quite satisfying, as well, being a nice big super-stabby

light show that has the added bonus of requiring player input. Very nice.

=============================================================================

M a l o n a n d T a l o n

Just farmers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

These two characters get listed by name even though they find their origins

in two others. That’s not really fair, is it? Then again, neither is

Nintendo’s treatment of Marin and Tarin, though they technically never

existed.

Now here’s an interesting paradox: All the things in Koholint Island are

references to something else, mostly to the first three Zelda games and the

Mario series. Yet Marin and Tarin’s ‘real-world’ counterparts weren’t

invented until the following game in the series. A little backwards.

Now that we’ve gotten severely off-track, let me further remind you that

Marin is actually a reference to Zelda. Weird. Metaphysical conundrums aside,

Marin is the one who finds Link unconscious on Toronbo Shores and drags him

off to her house in Mabe Village. Her father, Tarin, finds Link’s shield and

gives it to him as he leaves – Tarin is referential to Mario, given the red

shirt and blue overalls, moustache, and love of mushrooms. Marin is musically

inclined and makes friends easily, even having some among monsters. Neither

Marin nor Tarin is static – both are constantly travelling around the island,

and both of them help Link out several times. Notably, there is a period

where Link finds Marin in Animal Village and she follows him around for a

while, ending in a beachfront ‘date’ of sorts. Here, Marin tells Link that

despite how much she loves Koholint, she would love to see life outside it –

she dreams of becoming a seagull and flying away forever. When you beat the

game, the ‘The End’ screen shows a seagull flapping around, implying that she

may really have gotten her wish – or if you beat it with zero deaths, you’ll

see Marin with wings. Hmm.

They reappear right away, as owners and operators of Lon Lon Ranch, where

they raise Lon Lons, Cuccos, and horses. Child Link learns Epona’s Song from

her, which he uses to good effect later on. Talon is quite lazy and does

almost no work, leading an increasingly disgruntled Ingo to eventually take

over the ranch with Ganondorf’s help. He forces Malon to work there against

her will, threatening to mistreat the horses if she doesn’t. When Link wins

Epona from Ingo, Talon is inspired to take back the ranch, but it’s not all

conflict: Talon and Ingo become best friends and drinking buddies. At this

point, Malon also opens an obstacle course that Link and Epona can try. If

you look at Malon in first-person view at this time, you’ll notice she’s

blushing, leading me to believe she has quite a crush on him.

By the way, Talon and Ingo are allusions to Mario and Luigi from the Mario

Bros series of games. Both look a little like their counterparts in regards

to body type, shirt colour and moustache style, and both they and Malon wear

gold brooches that resemble the face of Bowser, the Mario Bros’ arch-nemesis.

Since Malon appeared as both a child and an adult in Ocarina, she had two

polys, both of which were reused for Majora’s Mask. When Skull Kid kidnaps

Epona at the beginning of the game, she ends up at Romani Ranch. Romani is

young Malon, while Cremia is the older one. Cremia tends the cows and

produces Milk for the members-exclusive Milk Bar, owned by Mr Barten – that

is, Termina’s version of Talon. Romani spends all of the First Day training

with her bow for that night’s alien invasion, which she knows is coming

tonight since it comes on the same day every year. With Link’s help, she

might fend off the aliens; otherwise, they accidentally abduct her along with

the cows, then spit her out, and she spends the duration of the next two days

acting really, really strung out.

Malon usually seems to be pretty good at what she does, but not so much in

Oracle of Seasons, where Link gives her a book about tending Cuccos so she

can learn. In return, she gives him the only thing she can think of, which is

a beauty product called a Lon Lon Egg. This is part of the trading game,

which Talon also figures into; late in the game Link finds him in a mountain

cave. He gives him, surprise, a Mushroom.

In the Hyrule Field level of Four Swords Adventures, the Links find Malon

under siege by Hyrule Castle soldiers and desperately trying to get back to

her house. They escort her through the hostile territory to a grateful Talon.

Both of them also have minor roles in The Minish Cap, but they are so

forgettable I can hardly remember what they’re there for. A reader tells me

Malon sells Lon Lon Milk for 10 Rupees, and that you need to give Talon the

Spare Key in order to enter the Ranch at Hylian size (because, as I recall,

Talon managed to lock himself out.) Later, they open up a shortcut to Lake

Hylia.

=============================================================================

M a m a

World Kitchen

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Sit down, take a load off. Mama’s Cafe is the best place in town to grab a

mocchachino latte espresso, or just take in the latest news from local

streetears while waxing philosophic. The eponymous Mama, master chef,

gardener and Economical Shopper, presides over the place with warmth, love

and a willingness to fuse Kinstones whenever the mood so strikes you.

=============================================================================

M a m a m u Y a n

Perfumed proprietor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Majora’s Mask

I assume she was also in Ocarina of Time, but if she was she strikes me as a

one-glance sideswipe Hyrule Castle Town market-dweller that nobody cared

about, so screw that noise.

The one we’re talking about runs the Dog Races at the far end of the field

within Romani Ranch. Ugh, dogs. Plump and passionate, she will let you wager

a few Rupees on the outcome of the sprint; if the runt you selected comes in

first, you’ll snag a Heart Piece, with subsequent placings offering Rupee

rewards. Although it might seem like your success or failure is pure luck, in

actuality there is a trick, very well-known by now, that sees you wearing the

Mask of Truth and noting the dog’s reaction when you pick it up. If I recall

correctly, ‘Ruff’ means it will place well, ‘Rr-ruff’ means it has a chance

of doing sort of well, and ‘Whimper’ means it will perform poorly.

By the way, ‘Is that doggy fine?’ is the single most awkward translation in

the entire series. Going by the English I can only assume the original was

‘sono wan-chan de iin desu ka?’ in which case they’d have done better to just

plain switch it around to ‘Is that the doggy you want?’ Translation fidelity

is a little less important in a purely text-based format than in, say, a

live-action drama, where the original dialogue is audible and inaccurate

translations are liable to irk speakers of the language in question.

=============================================================================

M a n b o

Ride with Frogmaster Fl...no?

Race: Frog or something

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Man, I first played Link’s Awakening when I was a little kid and brand-new to

video games, so I didn’t get any of the references. I can only appreciate

them now, looking back on the game and doing research for this guide. I’m

referring to the fact, of course, that Manbo is the LA incarnation of Wart

(or Mamu), the big bad guy from Super Mario Bros. 2 of all the random things.

He’s sort of this big cross-eyed frog monster who wears a fur-lined cape and

a crown, because he’s the king of Subcon. On Kohlint Island, he’s king of the

Signpost Maze. He challenges Link to navigate it, which is the easiest thing

ever, because all it requires him to do is follow the directions on a

succession of signposts without accidentally reading any of the wrong ones.

When he makes it through, Manbo teaches him Manbo’s Mambo, probably the most

useless song in the game, although I guess it comes in handy from time to

time: It allows instant teleportation to the pond next to Crazy Tracy’s

house. After teaching him the song, Manbo and his frog retainers celebrate

with an exhilarating dance.

=============================================================================

M a n o f S m i l e s

Prospective Joy Luck Club chairman

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Here we have an unsettlingly happy man who floats aimlessly in his boat in

the northeastern quadrant of the sea, apparently sending out postcards to all

those in need of a little cheer. When Link encounters him, his vessel has

been overrun by the forces of evil, and he implores Link to rid him of their

danger. Thus liberated, he introduces himself as the Man of Smiles, probably

not his real name, and offers Link either a normal prize or a mysterious

prize; if he chooses the mysterious prize, he’ll just say what the heck and

hand over both. One item is a simple Treasure Map, but one is the Hero’s New

Clothes, which kicks off the Trading Game. Every time Link re-enters the

boat, the Man of Smiles is once again up to his suspenders in monsters, and

he can clear the place out over and over again in order to earn Prize

Postcards. In spite of the suspicious nature of his whole deal, it seems that

all the Man of Smiles really wants is to bring happiness to people

everywhere.

=============================================================================

M a p l e a n d S y r u p

Always two there are: A master, and an apprentice

Race: Hylians

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

Syrup is a wizened old hag who knows her magical art well and wastes most of

it making Potions. Maple is her teenage granddaughter who is supposedly

learning that art. Both wear the trappings of their trade (a pointy hat and

blue robes), but only Syrup ever does any work. Maple would much rather spend

her free time on something interesting; specifically, in the Oracle saga she

zooms around the countryside on her broom, colliding with innocent

bystanders. Each of the pair helps Link gain items, however, be it a life-

restoring Potion or rarities like Rings. After their first few races, Maple

gains a vacuum to help her gather more loot faster. In a linked game, she

upgrades to a flying saucer. (...) Maple makes a resurgence in Four Swords

Adventures, having once again screwed up: She’s accidentally shrunk some poor

guy’s house, and needs Link to fetch the Spell Book to reverse it (the reward

being a Heart Container from its occupant.) In The Minish Cap, Syrup’s Wake-

Up Mushroom allows Link to get the Pegasus Shoes from the sleepy shoemaker.

cornishpete has this to add:

‘just one little correction about Syrup the witch.

‘She also appears in the minnish cap, her home is tucked away in the northern

end of minnish woods. (you have to go in via the route to the mayors cabin

and take a slight detou)

‘she plays a similar role as she has before in dealing with potions. you can

buy either a red potion, or, after the correct kinstone fusion, a blue

potion.

‘maple, for some reason, is nowhere to be found.’

=============================================================================

M a s t e r E d d o

Bomb-builder

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Master Eddo hangs out in his garage on Cannon Island, from where he

meticulously constructs the finest of hand-made Bomb-firing cannon. He excels

in creating other ship accessories as well, namely his pet project the

Salvage Arm, which allows seagoers to drag up treasure boxes from the ocean

floor. It pays for itself in no time. Master Eddo occasionally engages in the

odd practice of pricing his merchandise based on how loudly and clearly his

customer can yell, although his apprentice claims that snapping one’s fingers

works just as well. I suggest clapping. Now let me shout and wake you up, let

me wake you up! But I have to wonder how he gets any work done when he’s

needing to use a cane and one of his arms is a mountain of bandages. And by

the way, how the heck did he sustain those injuries??

=============================================================================

M a s t e r S t a l f o s

Bag of bones

Race: Stalfos

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Master Stalfos is the mini-boss of Catfish’s Maw, really noteworthy only

because he does for Stalfos what the Helmasaur King did for Helmasaurs.

Furthermore, there have only been a few genuine sword-versus-sword duels in

the whole Zelda series, which is surprising, really, but Master Stalfos

claims one of them. Quite simply, all Link had to do was avoid his potent

sword strikes, hit him a few times with the sword, which would cause him to

temporarily crumble into a pile of bones, and then lay a Bomb on him. Link

battled him on four separate occasions in four separate rooms. After their

fourth showdown, Master Stalfos blew up for good and spat out the Hookshot.

=============================================================================

M a y o r B o

The Strongarm Mayor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Mayor Bo takes care of many of the day-to-day happenings of Ordon Village,

overseeing work details, solving minor disputes, and lending his own raw

physical power wherever it’s needed. We meet the horn-moustachioed mayor

almost immediately, stopping to chat with him as we go to rendezvous with

Fado in the fields, but our conversation is interrupted by the charge of an

escaped pow, who, unless we’re on our second playthrough or higher and are

expecting it, knocks us flat on our backs and runs off for parts unknown,

necessitating a search party named Bo. Not long after, when his daughter Ilia

is kidnapped and his home besieged by twilight, the devastated man maintains

enough consitution to organize the town defence, which largely consists of an

incapacitated swordsman and a scrawny old guy standing on top of a post

holding a bow, but he worked with what he had.

Bo’s past is surprisingly fleshed-out. With the death of his wife some years

ago, presumably of illness, he has been left to care for his daughter by

himself, raising her to be a strong and independent young woman. He also has

some kind of history with the Gorons, having once been a prize sumo wrestler

with the help of his magnificent muscles and a pair of Iron Boots he somehow

acquired. In the act of defeating their Big Brother and yokozuna, Bo gained

the respect of the Gorons and, if Ocarina of Time is any indication, probably

became an honourary Goron himself. I mean technically he cheated, but who

cares. He passes the package onto Link when the hero himself is tenaciously

trying to win Goron enclave-entrance.

=============================================================================

M a y o r D o t o u r

The Freezing Mayor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Given the fact that a huge celestial object will soon crash into his town and

destroy the entire country in which it sits, one would imagine Mayor Dotour

has more pressing concerns than wading through bureaucracy. And yet there he

is, 24/3 for as long as you let it go on, sitting in a pointless meeting with

the Captain of the Guard and the Chief Carpenter, the former of whom

advocates evacuation, the latter, stalwartness in the face of a little

apocalypse. The entire discussion is moot, of course, because neither plan is

going to work. Dotour contributes by mumbling something noncommittal every

now and then. Oh, and by the way, this entire time, he’s distracted by the

fact that his only son has mysteriously disappeared just days before his own

wedding (and yet he somehow knows exactly where he’s hiding out, and hasn’t

done anything about it whatsoever...yeah.) Ugh, think there might be better

ways for old Dotour to be spending his time? Well, if you walk into chambers

and whip out the Couple’s Mask, which has the power to calm arguments, the

offending parties will realise that their argument completely misses the

point, and they will decide that the decision of whether or not to flee

should be up to everyone to make for him or herself. Dotour will give you a

Heart Piece in gratitude. And...that’s about all he ever does. Oh no wait! He

also has an odd moustache. A purple one, no less.

Common convention as far as this guide is concerned would usually dictate

that I put Mayor Dotour and Madame Aroma in the same entry. I didn’t.

Mindgames.

=============================================================================

M a y o r H a g e n

The Crystal Mayor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Even though Daltus himself happens to live right in the very heart of Hyrule

Castle Town, he has another official entirely to take on civic

responsibilities while he handles the national ones. Smart guy; knows how to

delegate, and doesn’t take on too much by himself. This decision does,

however, provide some evidence against the democratic model, because the guy

who makes it into office is not only paranoid but somewhat incompetent. Mayor

Hagen, whose name always makes me think of Hagen-Daazs ice cream, is notable

for doing little or nothing to address the settlement’s housing crisis while

maintaining a residence right in the centre of town complete with not only a

basement (multi-story homes being a rarity in the Zeldaverse) but a series of

secret passages as well, for use as escape routes in the case of an attack.

That’s pretty smart, I guess; embassies might do well to imitate him. And his

constituents do seem relatively satisfied, except for Din, Nayru and Farore,

who end up having to look to Link for help. The bespectacled vest-wearer has

a deep interest in masks, both collecting them and even making a few himself.

His house is infested with Minish, but whose isn’t in that game. He also owns

a waterfront cabin at Lake Hylia. Remind me where our taxes go again?

=============================================================================

M a y o r P l e n

The Silver Mayor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

Lynna City’s mayor is also an ardent fan of its history, going as far as to

mention to new visitors that it was once called Lynna Village, even though

that pretty much goes without saying, and is a completely useless piece of

information regardless. Like most mayors presented here, he served Link only

by giving him something, in this case the gift of not getting angry when the

hero steals his Seed Ring. Supposedly, Mayor Plen looks like Luigi. What,

Ingo wasn’t enough?

Know what, I picked the ‘Silver’ title because I wanted to work in a

reference to Bishoujo Sailor Moon’s Silver Millennium, but it stopped working

when I remembered that the Silver Millennium is in the future, not the past,

and His Worship Plen holds court in the present.

=============================================================================

M a y o r R u u l

The Sewing-Life Mayor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Horon Village’s mayor is also an ardent fan of Gasha Seeds, going as far as

to keep a square of soft earth in his home specifically for the purpose of

sowing them. Like most mayors presented here, he served Link only by giving

him something, in this case the first Gasha Seed in the game and, ipso facto

and by proxy, the Gasha Ring. See what I did with these entries? You know,

because the Oracle titles are sister games. Doesn’t have a thing to do with

me being lazy and uninspired, definitely not. Hey! Spring of Trivia, at least

the blurb under Ruul’s name makes sense without brutally stretching the

limits of believability, which is more than can be said for most of the other

mayors here.

If I recall correctly, Ruul Villa was a place in Link’s Awakening.

Supposedly, Mayor Ruul looks like Mario. What, Talon wasn’t enough?

This ends our series on Hylian government.

=============================================================================

M e d l i

Fine feathered friend

Race: Rito

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Young Medli is just coming into her own as attendant to Valoo, the deity of

the Rito. Link encounters her early in the game; she is the key to the first

dungeon, in fact. At the beginning of the game, her wings aren’t entirely

developed yet, so she needs Link to throw her up to a high ledge. (It took me

almost ten minutes to do this.) She becomes a much more accomplished flier

later on, able to flap around on her own for surprisingly long periods of

time, and even carry Link for short distances. When Link learns the Earth

God’s Lyric from Laruto and plays it for Medli, she awakens as the Sage of

Earth. She and Link work together to conquer the Earth Temple. After Link

defeats Jalhalla, Medli stays in the inner sanctum to pray to the gods, the

act of which restores the Master Sword to half-strength. Medli is a motherly

figure to Komali, comforting him now that his actual mother is gone. Despite

her role as a mother figure, he is in love with her, though it seems he never

has the courage to say it. Medli, in turn, appears to have a crush on Link,

but never says it.

=============================================================================

M e l a r i

Whistle while you work

Race: Minish

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Melari and his seven apprentices collectively form the Mountain Minish.

Smithing is their entire lives; they are wholly devoted to their trade. Link

and Ezlo visit Melari’s Mines, which is basically a depression in the ground

near the top of Mt Crenel, shortly before entering the Cave of Flames. They

make their home there in order to be closer, both physically and spiritually,

to the ore they mine and shape. Just prior to scaling Mt Crenel, the duo

recovered the mythical Picori Blade. Melari and two of his apprentices work

hard and re-forge the shattered blade into one piece. Unfortunately, though

Melari can repair the steel he is unable to fix its magical deficiencies, so

Link must look elsewhere. Melari and his apprentices constantly sing the

‘Ting Tong Song’ as they work.

=============================================================================

M e r m a n

ANOTHER talking fish

Race: Fish

Appearances: The Wind Waker

I don’t believe this little guy’s name is ever actually given, but one source

calls him Merman, so that’s good enough for our profiling purposes. If you

have no idea what I’m talking about, Merman is the bluish little talking fish

who sort of resembles a flat-faced Aboriginal drawing of a salmon. Link and

King of Red Lions first encounter him at Dragon Roost Island. From here on

out, anytime Link gets his attention with some All-Purpose Bait he will fill

in another square of Link’s Sea Chart and give him a little information about

the appropriate island.

There are a few interesting things of note about Merman. Most obviously, when

King of Red Lions first speaks with him he claims that he has ‘paid off his

debt.’ That tells us the two knew each other, and that Merman knows the truth

about Hyrule and whatnot. Whatever Daphnes did for Merman, it must have been

pretty small if he considers drawing in one square on some stranger’s Sea

Chart having paid it off – or else Merman is cheap that way, or yet again

he’s helping Link more than we realise. He also says that he ‘can’t go

fighting evil on an empty stomach,’ implying that he is active in his

opposition of Ganondorf. Quite what influence he might exert is beyond me.

Finally, his comment at Rock Spire Island implies a past relationship with

Gillian, the barmaid at Windfall Island’s tavern – moreover, Gillian’s

figurine states that she used to have a boyfriend, but that info is TOP

SECRET!! So either Merman used to be a human, or Gillian is into fish. You be

the judge, I guess.

=============================================================================

M i d n a

Eponymous awesomeness

Race: Twili

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Midna is the deposed leader of the Twili and one of the coolest characters to

come around in a long while. When the game’s title was first announced, many

of us followed this logic: Hyrule - Twilight Realm - Zelda, Princess of

Hyrule...Zelda must be the Twilight Princess! (It’s the first game since the

original that’s actually referenced Zelda herself!) Others looked at the logo

and inferred that its similarity to Midna’s hat must mean SHE was the

Twilight Princess. The latter group was correct.

Since the basic controls and concepts of the game are created before anything

else, it’s my guess that Midna was a mechanic long before she became a

character. After all, there are certain things wolf-form Link simply can’t do

on his own, like open doors or scope out narrow ledges. Plus, we need an ally

for this game.

Midna fits all these roles like a glove that’s the right size. She has a

little stub of cel-shaded hair protruding from under her helmet, which she

can form into a giant hand that manipulates objects and tracks targets. Midna

is also this game’s Navi, though she doesn’t offer help with enemies;

instead, she mostly instructs Link on where to go next, although she does

reprise Navi’s function of helping the player with puzzles that would take

them time to figure out on their own.

And of course, she plays a vital part in the story. Much as the natural races

of Hyrule have their own individuals destined to affect its historical

landscape, so too do the Twili have a single rightful ruler. The Twili lost

their previous king due to his own greed. As it turns out, Midna is the one

destined to take over the reigns and continue with her people on their road

to prosperity, but she kind of fails to pick up the slack. Zant declares

himself the Twili’s new ruler and tries to gain her endorsement. Failing at

that, he transfigures her and kicks her out.

In her natural form, Midna is a grey-skinned, long-haired, beautiful woman.

When Zant transforms her, she becomes a grey-skinned, long-haired, ‘decrepit

little imp,’ to use her words.

Crippled but hardly out of commission, Midna goes into hiding and searches

for a way to reclaim her throne. She finds it when Link is hauled into the

Twilight Realm and is transformed into a wolf by its power. The light world

may know him as the Hero of Hyrule, but the Twilight Realm has a similar

legend, one which states a sacred beast will rescue their world from the

brink of destruction. She follows the shadow beast who captures Link and then

springs him from his cell. After they have a brief meeting with Zelda, Midna

is able to convince Link that he needs her help to save his world.

They forge an alliance and set to work. Midna’s primary goal is to seek out

the ancient Fused Shadows. She wields the most powerful magics of her people,

but these relics will increase her power expontentially. This conveniently

allows the pair to work towards their individual goals simultaneously,

because recovering the Fused Shadows requires restoring light to the three

provinces of Hyrule that have so far fallen under Twilight.

When they finally gather all three, their victorious partying proves

premature. Zant immediately swoops in on them and tosses them aside,

wondering how they could possibly have hoped to defeat him with such pitiful,

withered magic. He returns twilight to Lanayru province and taunts the duo

for a while, then dispels it, exposing Midna’s physical body to direct light.

Before, she had only taken immaterial shape in the light world by

commandeering Link’s shadow for brief periods, but now she was actually being

struck by sunbeams. Her condition deteriorates quickly and Link, stuck as a

wolf, struggles to restore her.

He finds Zelda who, despite Midna’s protests, seemingly sacrifices her own

life to save Midna’s by transferring her life force to her. And because Zelda

is from the light world, this allows Midna to now take form in the light

unharmed. With newfound control over his wolf form and a new goal, Link

tracks down the four shards of the Mirror of Twilight under Midna’s

instruction.

Midna explains that the Mirror of Twilight is the single link the Goddesses

left between the light world and their realm of exile, the Twilight.

Furthermore, only the rightful ruler of the Twili can destroy it; since Zant

was only able to break it into pieces, he is undisbutably NOT the true king.

Anyway, they use this portal to disappear into the nether, where they storm

the Palace of Twilight. Paradoxically, Link is able to use the palace’s own

power to infuse the Master Sword with pure light, which easily vanquishes

Twilight denizens. After a skirmish with Zant, Midna reclaims the Fused

Shadows and kills him, though he is quickly reborn thanks to Ganondorf’s

powers.

So, I guess it’s time to go after Ganondorf then. After the Twilight dropped

from Lanayru Province, a huge magical pyramid was erected around Hyrule

Castle. With her new powers, Midna transforms into a giant spider-thing and

shatters it. They climb to the top and square off with Ganondorf, who

possesses Zelda’s body. After Link forces him out of it, Zelda’s soul exits

Midna and returns to its rightful body. Following this, Midna helps Link

figure out how to beat Ganon transformed, and then teleports the two Hylians

out of the Castle as it crumbles. She then attempts to kill Ganondorf once

and for all, but is overcome. Even against the incredible Fused Shadows,

Ganondorf comes out on top.

But after Link finishes him off, he finds Midna still alive, and returned to

the body she was born in. Their quest was long and they’ve grown close, but

it’s time for her to return to the Twilight Realm to guide her people. They

say they’ll see each other again, but Midna is crying...and at the last

minute, Midna takes one of her own shed tears and propels it at the Mirror,

shattering it instantly and wiping it off the face of the earth. Light and

darkness will never meet again. This move caught me totally off-guard and so

I found it rather striking and emotionally charged. We’ll miss you, Midna.

(...until we see you again in the Wii-exclusive direct sequel that will come

out around 2009-2010.)

Midna’s voice is pretty damn awesome. She has TONS AND TONS of dialogue. It’s

sort of random in that she says different things when the same text appears,

and of course there is no rhyme or rhythm to it – it’s just a bunch of funny

sounds her VA made up, probably on the spot, or else it was run through a

synthesizer. It’s still quite awesome though, and manages to convey a

definite sense of foreigness. Speaking of her VA, does anybody know the

lady’s name?

Another one of the coolest things about Midna is her drive. Not only is she

sassy as she single-mindedly strives to strike down Zant, but she is one of

the only egotistical, self-serving characters to receive a prominent role.

She’s quite honest about it too: She explains on numerous occasions that she

doesn’t care about the light world and is only looking after the interests of

her own. Yet still there is some character development, as she slowly grows

fond of the Hyruleans and comes to realise that the darkness and the light

unknowingly depend on each other. Also, in the beginning she has a decidedly

negative opinion of Zelda ruling a nation, but in time she grows to

understand that Zelda is really doing the best she can, and is deserving of

her respect.

Whoever came up with Midna certainly has mine.

=============================================================================

M i d o

Boss of the Kokiri

Race: Kokiri

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Mido would have us believe that he is much more important than he actually

is. Mido calls himself the Boss of the Kokiri, and he really is one of the

most competent, but nobody really recognizes him by that title. Link spent

much of his early years being bullied by Mido, mostly because the latter was

jealous of his friendship with Saria, whom Mido apparently has a crush on.

Mido is one of the largest Kokiri and has no scruples about throwing his

weight around; despite orders from the Great Deku Tree himself, Mido won’t

even let Link meet with the deity at first. Later, when Link returns to

Kokiri Forest in adult form, Mido doesn’t even recognize him until he plays

Saria’s Song. In the ending credits, when the Kokiri leave the forest, Mido

is the first who dares to venture beyond that boundary into the unknown.

=============================================================================

M i k a u

Avid partier

Race: Zora

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

In addition to being one of the Zora’s most proficient warriors, Mikau is a

rocking guitar player and plays lead gat on the Indigo-Gos. Apparently, he is

romantically and physically involved with Lulu. Despite being a skilled

swimmer, even for a Zora, Mikau was never able to beat the Beaver Brothers at

their game, though Link later beat them in Mikau’s form. Lean and athletic,

Mikau sports numerous tattoos on his body, perhaps uniquely among the Zora.

Mikau stupidly tries to swim in the murky waters of Zora Cape, and ends up

dying because of it. A flock of seagulls (I walk along the avenue) flaps over

him, and since seagulls are seen as fundamental in The Wind Waker, they’re

probably seeing him off to the afterlife, or maybe trying to convince him to

cling to life. Either way, they point Link to him, and he pushes Mikau

ashore. Mikau then explains the plight of the Zora with a rousing and

humorous guitar solo. Link plays the Song of Healing and gets the Zora’s Mask

from him. After that, Mikau’s grave can be seen on the beach – his guitar is

sticking out of the sand, marking the spot where he drew his last breath.

Of the five forms Link can assume in Majora’s Mask, Mikau’s is by far the

most fun – Kijin Link can bite me. As Mikau, I spent a great deal of time

zooming around watery areas at what seemed like super-speed. Swimming as a

Zora is simply awesome, my lacklustre description of it notwithstanding.

Mikau can also stand and walk along the bottom of a watery area, like a

built-in combination Iron Boots and Zora Tunic. Twilight Princess’s Zora

Armour uses a similar swimming concept, but it’s just not the same. In

battle, Mikau can slash with the fins on his forearms or throw them like

boomerangs. Lastly, his most potent attack is a bioelectric vortex that kills

any waterlogged enemy it comes into contact with. Very cool.

I leave you with this thought: Do you have any idea how cool it would be to

combine Mikau’s form with The Wind Waker’s world?

=============================================================================

M i l a a n d M a g g i e

The rich get poorer

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Mila and Maggie are two of the three girls that the Helmaroc King kidnaps in

its search for Princess Zelda. Apparently, giant birds make horrible

detectives, because none of the candidates he brings home remotely resembles

Zelda. Mila is probably the one nearer the mark, being blonde-haired and

regally clothed. Maggie, by contrast, has hair of deep red and literally

dresses in rags – not even close.

Link first encounters them when he climbs the Forsaken Fortress, but before

he can free them and Aryll he is captured by the Helmaroc King and thrown

into the sea. King of Red Lions rescues him and takes him to Windfall Island,

where he meets the girls’ fathers. Maggie’s father fretted constantly about

her and harassed Link about saving her every time he stepped within two

thousand metres of him. Mila’s father, by contrast, worries mostly about his

vase collection.

Here’s the difference between them, though. Mila’s father promises Tetra’s

pirates all his wealth, every last bit of it, if they can rescue Mila. They

follow up, and the two families switch roles. (Maggie’s dad sells the Skull

Necklaces she got from the Fortress, which go for big bucks.) Maggie and her

dad dress elaborately, while Mila and her father are now the ones in rags.

Mila’s dad has no regrets, because his little girl is back. But Maggie’s dad

doesn’t even care about her anymore, only wealth and all the trappings

thereof. Power tends to corrupt, and money corrupts absolutely.

During her detainment, Maggie started up a relationship with one of the

Moblins in the Forsaken Fortress. His name was Moe, but he didn’t share her

feelings; he wanted to eat her, which she took as a metaphor for their love.

She also becomes quite introspective, even writing poetry. Mila, on the other

hand, had to work to support the family, so she became Zunari’s assistant.

Tragically, desperation also turned her to a life of crime – she started

picking the lock on Zunari’s safe and looting the contents every night. Link

set her away from this path and instead she found a second job, on another

island. Geez – the poor girl is basically pulling 24-hour shifts seven days a

week.

=============================================================================

M i n i s t e r P o t h o

Neurotic bureaucrat

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Because running an entire country is a tricky task, King Daltus has a number

of people who assist him with the job. Chief among them is the diminuitive

old-timer Minister Potho, whose title suggests that Hyrule may have somehow

transitioned to a constitutional monarchy while keeping the power of the

monarchy intact, which has never happened in real life. In addition to taking

on slightly lower-level administrative duties, Minister Potho is Zelda’s

personal teacher - likely part of vetting her for her coming role as the next

sovereign - and HATES it when she skips, hence his distress when Vaati

appears on the scene and turns her to stone. After coming to his senses (not

that there was much there to begin with), he offers Link the Smith’s Sword so

that he can embark on his softening journey without being killed two seconds

in. He appears in the endgame rocky as a Goron like everybody else; no,

rockier, because Gorons are at least still organic and capable of movement.

Anyway, this only lasts a short while as Link duly destroys Vaati and saves

the land, and Minister Potho joins the thank you retinue.

=============================================================================

M i s s M a r i e

Hot for Teacher

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Miss Marie is an ample, purple-haired, loudly dressed schoolteacher on

Windfall Island, which basically means she teaches the Killer Bees and not

much else. When we first encounter her they’re a band of truants and problem

students who have been giving her a ton of trouble, but after Link bests them

in a game of hide-and-seek (much as he did the Bombers) and becomes their

living idol they soften and start to warm up to her. By day she can be found

in the classroom, but by night she runs out to the bar or the auction house.

Guess she likes to let loose after a long day moulding young minds. Miss

Marie is the founder of the Joy Luck Club, which basically means she craves

Joy Pendants (the butterfly-shaped Spoils carried by Bokoblins) and wants to

be delivered as many as humanly possible. Because of this, the Killer Bees

think that they can get in her good books if they bring her a Joy Pendant,

and invest all kinds of time and energy into finding one, but the only one

they can ever locate is at the top of a tree and far beyond their reach,

though Link snags it after they dejectedly leave.

When Link reaches certain milestones of having given stuff to her, Miss Marie

rewards him with trinkets, the most exciting of which is the deed to her

seaside cabana and the Private Oasis on which it sits. This place treats its

occupants to comfortable decor and the relaxation of having every need taken

care of by their personal butler, allowing them to luxuriate in the

atmosphere of their secluded hideaway. This butler not only stands guard at

the door, refusing entry to anyone but the owner, but also capably performs

the tasks of both caretaker and entertainer. One of the features to which he

will direct his master’s attention is the sliding puzzles on either side of

the room, which depict various characters from across the Great Sea; this is

like that Orca whale puzzle you can get at the Vancouver Aquarium, except

less frustrating. Anyway, more important than any of this, if you dive

beneath the floorboards you’ll find a small series of ReDead-infested caves,

which might lead you to question just what exactly is going on with Miss

Marie, and if you wander around for a little while you’ll find a Triforce

Chart. Yeah, that’s really suspicious.

If you keep on showering her with Joy Pendants, you’ll be rewarded with the

Hero’s Charm and then just Rupees. The Hero’s Charm is a little item accessed

from the sub-screen that can be turned on or off at will; when turned on, it

displays the remaining health of enemies as a bar floating above their heads.

It’s a pretty cool item but unnecessary and in the end I just found it

distracting, so I just turned it off, myself.

=============================================================================

M r. W r i t e

Pun!!

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Mr. Write is one of Koholint Island’s more insane inhabitants, in that he has

only a loose grasp on reality. He lives alone in the woods between Mabe

Village and Goponga Swamp, and spends every spare second sitting at his desk

penning letters. He thinks he’s writing to Princess Peach, but he’s actually

communicating with a goat-woman in the next town over. I seem to recall

something about him getting disillusioned and throwing a tantrum for a while,

then getting over it and coming to realise that his friendship with Miss Goat

still stands regardless of what he’d originally thought it was. Might have

been my imagination though. I swear I can’t shut that thing up.

As I mention elsewhere in this guide, Link’s Awakening manages to shove in

about 27 obscure references per microsecond of gameplay, but Mr. Write takes

the cake. Not only is he wrapped in the delusion that he’s pen-pals with a

beautiful foreign dignitary FROM ANOTHER NINTENDO SERIES, but the man himself

is based on master of ceremonies Will Wright as he appears in the SimCity

games: The two share homophonous names, hairstyles, and scholarly attention

to detail in their work (literature and city planning, respectively.)

Now, obviously we can excuse Mr. Write for some of his weirdness because he’s

not even real, given that he’s part of the Koholint Island dream. I’m gonna

go ahead and say that he comes from the Wind Fish rather than Link, because

he sure doesn’t resemble anyone you’ll EVER see in Hyrule, man.

...having said that, his sprite ended up getting reused in Oracle of Seasons.

I refuse to add the game to the “Appearances” part because I want to

emphasize how off the whole business is, but for anyone just itching to know,

all he does is give you a book on raising Cuccos in exchange for lighting his

reading lamp so that he can get some work done; this kicks off Seasons’s

Trading Game, which ends in you acquiring the Biggoron’s Sword.

=============================================================================

N a b o o r u

Scantily clad desert woman

Race: Gerudo

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Although Ganondorf is the first Gerudo male born in a hundred years and

therefore has a birthright to the sovereignty of the Gerudo race, Nabooru

does not recognize him as King. She sees past the façade he puts on for

others and knows that he is actually evil, and she covertly opposes him at

every turn. When Link enters the Spirit Temple as a child, he finds her

looking for the Silver Gauntlets in her latest endeavour against the King of

Evil. But as Link noticed when he visited as an adult, only a child can fit

through the small space that leads to them, so she promises him a reward if

he can find them. When he does, however, Nabooru is captured by Koume and

Kotake. That about puts an end to the resistance movement for the time being.

She doesn’t reappear until the end of the adult portion of the Spirit Temple,

which culminates in a confrontation between Link and the twins. The two had

imprisoned Nabooru in a suit of Iron Knuckle armour and force her to battle

Link. She is released from the brainwashing spell when Link wins. After Link

beats Twinrova, Koume and Kotake’s combined form, Nabooru awakens as the Sage

of Spirit and adds her power to Link’s.

=============================================================================

N a v i

Pixellated pixie

Race: Fairy

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Navi is not so much a character as she is a brilliantly executed mechanic,

but she has just enough spunk for me to include her here. Link was the only

Kokiri without a guardian fairy – until the opening movie, when the Great

Deku Tree finally sends Navi to be his. It’s implied there’s something

special about Navi, that she is held in high regard among fairies, or

something. Not only does she have a subtle but definite personality, she’s

also really smart, helping Link out with all manner of contraptions he finds

in dungeons and occasionally speaking with other characters. She also points

out significant interactive objects by flying to them and glowing green, and

Z-targeting would be impossible without her (as demonstrated in the final

battle with Ganondorf.)

At the end of the game, Navi flies away through the stained-glass window of

the Temple of Time. We have still never learned why – it’s quite possible

that with evil gone from the land for the time being, she was no longer

needed. It’s a little sad that she left without saying goodbye, but think

what would have happened if she hadn’t. Link would never have ventured into

the Lost Woods to look for her. Skull Kid would never have run off with

Epona. Link wouldn’t have followed him through the portal into Termina, and

there would have been no one to stop the moon from falling. Hyrule would have

been wiped out, and by extension, probably a lot more as well. So really,

abandoning Link after all they’d been through was the best decision she could

have made.

=============================================================================

N i g h t m a r e s

In your dreams

Race: Nightmares

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

The Nightmares were eight entities who plagued the Wind Fish’s sleep, causing

all kinds of destruction on Koholint Island. They also each guarded one of

the Instruments of the Sirens, which Link had to collect to wake the Wind

Fish, meaning each one was the boss of a dungeon. A few of them were based on

bosses from previous games. They are, in order:

Moldorm

Genie

Slime Eyes

Angler Fish

Slime Eel

Façade

Evil Eagle

Hot Head

When Link collected all the instruments by defeating the Nightmares, he

entered the egg atop Mt Tamaranch and did battle with their leader, Dethl.

Dethl had a similarly referential nature in his forms:

Giant Gel

Agahnim’s Shadow

Moldorm

Ganon’s Shadow

Lanmola

Dethl

After Dethl fell, the game was over. Why do the Nightmares get a profile when

all it really amounts to is a list? Well, they’re an essential part of the

plot.

=============================================================================

N y a v e a n d N y e v e

Identity thieves

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

These bearded brothers sail the high seas in hopes of accruing fame and

status, each day honing their sword arts and readying themselves for that

eventual day of reckoning when they sally forth to do battle with all those

of fell intention who would threaten the foundations of our daily lives and

the stuff of our very future. Nyave happens to suck at this way more than

does Nyeve, as his primary approach to fighting evil is to cower in his boat

and play dead if anything dangerous gets too close. He doesn’t quite dress

the part, either, garbing himself in a yellow helmet and front-and-back

plate. He does, however, serve at least one useful function: In exchange for

his precious Guard Notebook that he lost, he’ll give up his Wood Heart, which

is part of the Trading Game. Once he has it back, he fesses up that he never

actually wanted to be a hero in the first place; his dream was to become a

cook, like one of his other brothers. Thus unburdened, he sets out towards a

new goal.

Nyeve, on the other hand, is not to be dissuaded, a possible reference to the

word ‘naiive.’ Naiive in that he believes himself to be a hero, and uh,

actually he kind of fits it, in an imitative sort of way that flies off-

centre and avoids most of what actually made Link a hero in The Wind Waker.

Nyeve, you see, clothes himself in a green tunic and floppy pointed hat,

wields a legendary weapon, and voyages in a red boat with a lion-shaped

figurehead called the Prince of Red Lions. Unfortunately, these items are a

nightcap, a spear, and a relaxation platform, respectively, so he doesn’t

quite get full marks. On top of that, he never seems to DO much of anything,

besides declare his mighty heroism, which is a serious obstacle to his

aspirations. On the other hand, in a manner quite similar to that of Orca

from Waker, Nyeve does offer Link a chance to spar with him, challenging him

to connect with 100 sword strikes before Nyeve can land three spear bashes.

The top reward for this game is a Heart Container. Nyeve never ends up

affording Link quite the same level of respect that Orca did upon his defeat,

but does take it as motivation to become stronger as he continues his

preparations for saving the world.

=============================================================================

O b l i a n d W i l l i

Heavier-than-air travellers

Race: Hylians, to their regret

Appearances: The Wind Waker

In much the same way as Tingle became obsessed with fairies and tried to

become one, Obli and Willi became obsessed with the Rito and tried to become

them. Although their getups are indeed much more true to their subjects than

Tingle’s, they don’t seem to have achieved proportionally greater success.

They have, however, set up the awesomely named Flight Control Platform and

equally well-monikered Bird-Man Contest, which means that they built a

floating platform in the middle of the ocean and started challenging all

comers to jump off one end of it and fly, glide and drift as far as they

possibly can. Needless to say, if any actual Rito ever took part in the

competition, they would shatter the current record and obliterate the chances

of any earthbound denizen from ever even approaching it ever again. If I

recall correctly, the platform also has one or two spectators lounging around

it, which would suggest it has gained a nice measure of popularity. Anyway,

what this means for Link is that he is more than welcome to dock his boat,

run past Willi - the sturdier of the brothers and the outfit’s designated

greeter - and head on up to accept the challenge of Willi, the mousatche-

bearer, at a cost of 10 Rupees per attempt, practically nothing.

From here proceeds an exhilarating sequence that requires you to first set

the wind in your favour with the Wind’s Requiem, then pitch yourself off the

platform and unfurl your Deku Leaf. If you get some good speed at the

beginning you can definitely go amazingly far, but to make it past the flag-

arch that marks the climax of the current record-holder’s journey and win the

Heart Piece, you’ll have to make use of the various cyclones littering the

course, which toss you up to their peaks. They drift across the surface of

the water somewhat unpredictably, which can sometimes screw you over as you

futilely circle around at them only to have them whiff out of reach and fall

into the drink. All the while, you’re also battling your constantly depleting

Magic Metre, although you can easily just cheat (half-cheat) and use Ting.

Your journey ends when, one way or another, you fall into the sea

(‘SPLOOOOOOOOOOSH!’), which sounds a bullhorn and puts your feet back on the

ground, such as it is. Hopefully you’ll have passed the ribbon when this

happens, which will move it out that much farther, make you the new record-

holder, and award you your Piece of Heart. Nintendo Power magazine held an

Arena contest challenging players to get as far as they can; the winning

score was 573 yards. You only need like 200 to get the Heart Piece.

For some reason, I’ve always had this idea that Obli is wearing an American

fighter jacket from the 40s. Logical, right? They also wear goggles, which is

just plain cool.

=============================================================================

O c e a n K i n g (O s h u s)

Kind of like Poseidon. Or Moby Dick

Race: Patron deity

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

The Ocean King is ostensibly the lord protector of whatever random section of

the sea Link and the pirates manage to find themselves in at the outset of

Phantom Hourglass. It’s actually possibly he’s responsible for a wider area

than that, but I certainly hope not, because he’s sucking pretty badly at

keeping watch on just the people who worship him. They constructed the Temple

of the Ocean King on Mercay Island, one of the largest temples ever built,

and he presided from its inner sanctum 15 floors deep. This worked very well

until the dark god Bellum stormed in, overpowered him and his three assistant

faries, and kicked him out, stripping him of nearly all his power in the

process.

The most loyal of his faries, Ciela, tried to stand and fight alongside him,

but ended up bereft of her powers and her memory. Defeated and desperately

needing to regroup, the Ocean King assumed human form and the name Oshus (or

maybe that was just his name: Oshus, the Ocean King...I’m not sure) (confirm

first name: Not), then built himself a house outside of town on Mercay. In

the guise of an old man garbed in blue robes, carrying around a huge pink

stick, and sporting a gnarly head of hair and beard, he kept Ciela happy and

healthy as he tried to gather his strength once again, but the fact was,

there was serious trouble on the horizon.

Then Link came along, having fallen into the ocean after trying to rescue

Tetra from the absconding Ghost Ship. It’s even possible Oshus directed the

waves to guide him there, though even that small feat may have been beyond

him at that point. In any case, Ciela finds him washed up on shore and the

game begins. Oshus is uneasy about dragging Link into the battle and about

letting the vulnerable Ciela venture out where he can’t protect her, but the

spunky sprite will hear nothing of his protestations and he eventually gives

in, providing a sword lesson and his blessing. After the duo teams up with

Linebeck in the Temple, they venture back in to look for clues on where to go

next. Oshus, who has apparently been observing all this remotely, then

appears out of nowhere and reveals one of the Temple’s most important

treasures, the Phantom Hourglass. With it, he says, one can counteract the

place’s evil influence, at least until the artefact runs out of sand, at

which point it will once again begin sucking the life out of the adventurer.

The precise truth is that the Hourglass’s magic directly opposes’s Bellum’s

power, but he doesn’t go into this much detail.

After they collect a Sea Chart from the Temple, Oshus instructs them to head

for the Isle of Ember, where they conquer the Temple of Fire and liberate

Leaf, Spirit of Power, and then go on to add Neri, Spirit of Wisdom, to the

party. Finally, they rescue one last fairy...but it doesn’t speak or react to

them at all. Oshus informs them that what they rescued was the embodiment of

the other half of Ciela’s power, and fuses the two together, restoring Ciela

to her previous might.

Fact is though, he’s still screwed, because for some reason even with the

three spirits fired up and ready to go, Oshus is still being somehow

restrained. Looks like there’s nothing for it but to have Link take the fight

to the enemy. But the whole thing would be impossible and pointless without a

weapon powerful enough to take him down, so Oshus sends him to see Zauz, an

old friend. Zauz in turn dispatches Link to collect three Pure Metals, out of

which he forges a blade upon delivery, but that’s the best he can do. Oshus,

however, summons his strength and combines it with the Phantom Hourglass,

forming the Phantom Sword, which looks suspiciously similar to the Master

Sword and is the only weapon capable of defeating Bellum (or at least it’s

the only weapon tailor-made for the purpose of defeating Bellum. I kind of

suspect that if Link was still in possession of the Master Sword, it would

have done the trick. I mean come on, it’s the friggin’ MASTER Sword.)

Link delves into the deepest depths of the dungeon to do battle with the

dastard, and glory day, he emerges the victor. Oshus finds himself slightly

more empowered and just as Link is about to be crushed at the bottom of the

collapsing temple, he manages to teleport him safely onto the deck of the

S.S. Linebeck. However, it’s not over – not only is he still magically frail

at best, but Bellum isn’t quite done yet. The Ghost Ship appears out of

nowhere and starts to assault the group, but they fight it off and board. In

an epic sword battle, Link finally vanquishes Bellum.

Fully reinstated, Oshus returns the stoned Zelda to human form, and with

that, their time together is up...so, in an impressive feat of magic, he

reassumes his true form as an immense white whale and returns Link and Tetra

to their own vessel, as though they’d never even encountered the Ghost Ship.

It was all a dream! Only not really.

=============================================================================

O l d M a n a n d O l d W o m a n

Old people

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Legend of Zelda

The first Zelda only had a handful of characters. Link was one, obviously, as

were Ganon and Zelda, who didn’t show up until the end. Impa only appeared in

the instruction manual. So what else is there? One Moblin who hides out in a

cave, and these two old people.

Their relationship to each other is unclear, but it is obvious that they know

each other since Old Man gives Link a Letter for Old Woman to read. This

Letter allows Link to buy Red and Blue Potions from Old Woman (which work a

little differently from their modern-day counterparts.) Old Man, for his

part, appears in caves and dungeons to offer advice. Here are a few pearls of

wisdom:

Dodongo dislikes smoke

10th enemy has the Bomb

Did you visit Old Man at top of waterfall yet?

If you attacked the Old Man with your sword, the torches beside him would

start shooting at you. There was a similar Old Man character in Oracle of

Seasons, which took a lot of its inspiration and characters from the original

game, but he just wasn’t the same as our good friend.

=============================================================================

O l d M a n H o H o

Voyeur

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

I always kind of liked Old Man Ho Ho, travelling the seas apparently, always

showing up in unexpected places, looking out to the ocean and explaining what

he was looking at with an exclamation of wonder. A lot of the time he’s

checking out a Bigocto or a Moblin submarine, leading Link to booty and

opportunity. Strangely enough, he even seems to be very well-versed in

Hyrulean lore, aware of the Triforce Charts and their significance, and

seemingly even their locations, though he just barely manages to maintain his

veil of ignorance. I wonder if he’s just a scholar, or if he has some other

source of information?

In Phantom Hourglass, it turns out he’s actually one member of a whole tribe

of identically dressed searchers, the Ho Ho Tribe.

=============================================================================

O l d M a n U l r I r a a n d G r a n d m a U l r I r a

Charming smalltown citizens

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Old Man Ulrira and his wife Grandma Ulrira live in Mabe Village and probably

have their whole lives. I bet they were even high school sweethearts, or the

relative term since they probably didn’t go to high school, and on top of

that they’ve probably only actually been alive as long as Link and the Wind

Fish have been dreaming about them, which I guess means that all of the

island’s inhabitants had a net lifespan of like six hours. In any case, Old

Man Ulrira is a sharp dude who dispenses advice over the telephone, since

he’s very shy in person. This is actually an advantage because you can

contact him from any tree-entrenched phone booth on the island, of which

there are a handful; upon picking up the receiver he delivers some commentary

on recent events and an always-accurate suggestion on Link’s next

destination. Grandma Ulrira figures into the trading game by offering up a

Fish Hook in exchange for a Broom. From that point on, she spends her days

cheerily sweeping the steps in front of their house, unless you use the

Select Glitch, in which case she attacks you with a sword.

=============================================================================

O l d W a y f a r e r

The name says it all, really

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

Many years before Phantom Hourglass opens, the Old Wayfarer left his wife and

son on Molida Island to go adventuring. Specifically, it seems he was looking

for a way through the infernal mist that all but totally prevents passage to

the northwestern quadrant of the sea. When you first hear of him, it seems

like he’s passed into legend, and that that’ll be about the extent of your

relationship with him; as it turns out, though, the man is alive and well and

living on Bannan Island. Using the clues that he left behind on Molida Island

to gain access to his (correct) theory on the way through the mist, Link is

able to travel through the eerie barrier and eventually dispel it altogether.

From here, he can immediately go and meet the old man if that’s what he feels

he wants to do.

The Old Wayfarer is basically in retirement, relaxing in a cabana, growing a

massive beard, and wearing an old-guy hat and Hawaiian shirt. It seems that

over the years he’s developed an obsession with mermaids, and has devised a

number of ways that he might meet one; the one he mentions to Link is pulling

one up with a Fishing Rod. (Though wouldn’t that require hooking her? Ouch!

Poor darling!) Though he lacks a Fishing Rod, Link goes forth and encounters

Joanne, a young woman who dresses up as a mermaid and floats around Bannan in

an inner tube for the Old Wayfarer’s amusement, and hits her in the face with

his Boomerang, triggering her immediate flight. Returning to the Old

Wayfarer, Link explains the situation and is told that she probably ran off

to see another man...how sad. Link goes to see Linebeck, who reports that he

indeed talk with the mermaid for a bit, but that she quickly swam away. With

this new information, Link once again runs back to the Old Wayfarer, only to

find that Joanne has taken up residence in the pool in his house. The

overjoyed Old Wayfarer, having been cut off from the southwestern quadrant

and starved for company all this time, thanks Link profusely for bringing

such a beautiful creature into his home and gifts him with his Fishing Rod as

a sign of his gratitude.

A while later in the game, Link can head a ways out to sea to rendezvous with

the S.S. Wayfarer (presumably the ship the Old Wayfarer originally used to

traverse the confounding mist), where the two reflect for a while and the Old

Wayfarer says that the mermaid Link brought him eats too much, and he’s

running out of money because he has to spend it all on food. He doesn’t seem

especially distraught over it, though, and even rewards Link with ship parts

and a Heart Container for having caught a number of special fish, such as the

legendarily massive and massively legendary Neptoona. In any case, in

exchange for the Wood Heart, the Old Wayfarer tells Link to open the chest he

will find back in his house, which turns out to hold the Swordsman’s Scroll

with which one can learn the Great Spin Attack. Does this hint at an even

more storied past? Is he not only a Wayfarer but a master swordsman? Didn’t

Link already learn the Great Spin Attack in TWW? Pretty interesting guy.

=============================================================================

O o c c o o

C-Button item

Race: Oocca

Appearances: Twilight Princess

This unfortunately named, funny little creature has the interesting

distinction of being both a character and an item. I still think of them as

C-Button items, a holdover from the N64 games, even though they’re now set to

X or Y. Link encounters her in dungeons one through seven. In the first five,

she’s searching for a way to return to her hometown, the City in the Sky.

Since she and Link are both on the side of good, she decides to travel with

him and lend him the reasonably useful ability of instantly returning to a

dungeon’s entrance. After the first dungeon, she even sends him a letter to

let him know that she’ll be out and about.

As it turns out, the key to returning to the City is the Dominion Rod, which

Link finds in the Temple of Time. Ooccoo and her son Jr are there to witness

the Dominion Rod’s total loss of power upon being removed from the Temple.

Complaining that all that work was for nothing, Ooccoo runs off. However,

Link restores the Rod and prepares a giant cannon to fire himself skywards to

the final shard of the Mirror of Twilight, and at the last minute Ooccoo and

Jr appear from out of nowhere and jump in too. Having finally returned to her

home, Ooccoo isn’t about to leave, so Link is on his own for the last two

dungeons. Thanks for nothing, Ooccoo, but at least this story had a happy

ending.

=============================================================================

O r d o n V i l l a g e K i d s

Caught in the crossfire

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Twilight Princess

All four of these kids are present at Ordon Village when the game begins, but

are abducted when the Bulblins come to town. We catch up with them later at

Kakariko Village, where they are in serious trouble. Even after we liberate

Eldin Province, they remain in Kakariko, though the credits show their

caravan heading home.

Colin – Like Komali before him, Colin goes from being a snivelling wuss to a

brave and ambitious hero-in-the-making. But despite an intense desire to

fulfill the instructions of his father, Rusl, to be strong, he was nothing

more than a weakling coward. As a result, the other village kids picked on

him constantly. But after witnessing Link save Talo from the Faron Woods,

Colin begins to understand what his old man meant. He’s abducted along with

the other kids and taken to Kakariko Village. A little later, when the

Bokoblins rush down the narrow road, we see him demonstrate his newfound will

to act. As Beth is frozen in fear and about to be trampled under the hooves

of the boss’s boar, Colin runs out and shoves her out of danger. He is

captured instead, but Link manages to rescue him. He becomes steadily bolder

from that point on, and in the end credits we even see him with a wooden

sword and shield on his back!

Beth – Apparently one of the richer kids in town, as she was the only one of

them with enough cash to buy a Slingshot. She is meanspirited to start, but

mellows out after Colin saves her life. It seems she actually likes him, you

know, THAT way. She also idolizes Link throughout his quest, wowed even by

extremely simple demonstrations of his swordplay.

Talo – Talo asks Link if he can borrow his Wooden Sword to show Beth and Malo

what he can really do, but this turns out to not be such a great plan. He

runs off into the forest to fight monkeys and is quickly abducted by them.

Link pursues and rescues him. The only other thing he does is drop his sword

when the kids are taken to Kakariko Gorge, allowing Link to track them in

wolf form by the scent he leaves on it.

Malo – Though baby-faced and weird-lookin’, Malo is possibly the most

important and most mature of the kids. He is surprisingly worldly for his

age, and when Kakariko Village begins to rebuild, he takes over an unmanned

shop and opens Malo Mart. He isn’t the best businessman in the world,

however; for one thing, he tells you his products are a waste of money.

Eventually, Malo is able to orchestrate the repair of Hyrule Castle Town’s

east bridge, opening a second branch there, which has smokin’ discounts that

are awesome. Both locations also begin playing some really cool music that

the employees dance to.

=============================================================================

P a m e l a

Survival-horror expert

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Pamela lives in Ikana Canyon. Know what that means? It means she makes her

home in a valley of dust and death surrounded by frickin’ reanimated corpses

at all hours of the day. Know what else? Instead of barricading herself

inside her house like a sane person, she walks out onto her veranda once

every hour. You know, just to see what’s shakin’. This is one tough little

girl. She’s frickin’ Suika, only without a gourd of alcohol that never

empties no matter how much you drink, and not the daughter of an evil demon

king.

Her father could conceivably be MISTAKEN for an evil demon king, though.

Skull Kid, being a complete dick like always, tried to turn him into a Gibdo

except sucked badly at it. The result was a sort of half-Gibdo misshapen

mutant thing, mostly covered in bandages but with limbs sticking out at odd

angles and a rather disturbing visage. This is what Link discovers if he can

enter their house, called the Music Box House because that’s what it

basically is: a giant music box powered by the river on which it sits, whose

song wards off any undead who hear it (which suddenly makes Pamela seem less

resourceful but even still...would you take that chance?) Unfortunately, any

time he tries the door Pamela will tell him to go away, not wanting anybody

to mistake her father for a monster and try to stab him or something. Silly

girl, we’re trying to help you; and since you won’t let us we’re just going

to have to try a home invasion. Detonating dangerous explosives on her front

doorstep will cause Pamela to come out to investigate, allowing Link to duck

around her (easier with the Stone Mask) and rush down the stairs, where her

father will groan creepily at him. If Pamela comes back before we can

literally work our magic, she’ll kick us out, so we have to immediately whip

out our trusty Ocarina of Time and play our equally trusty Song of Healing.

And just like that, Pamela’s father is healed of his debilitation, and we get

the Gibdo’s Mask out of the deal. I’m sure their subsistence will be easier

from that point on as well, with both of them once again able-bodied.

The scene that plays out afterward is somewhat heartwarming, with the two

embracing. If you try to talk to them while this is going on Tatl will bitch

at you.

=============================================================================

P a p a h l

2.5 kids

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Link can encounter Papahl shortly after awakening in Mabe Village,

immediately if he wants to. Papahl lives with his family in the house on the

raised plateau at the north end of town. Parents of four young Quadruplets,

their household is an extremely noisy and active little place, and both he

and, especially, his wife long for a few moments of blissful peace. Speaking

to Papahl’s progeny, Link learns that their deepest desire is a trendy toy

called a Yoshi Doll. Sinking a few Rupees into the Trendy Game, a UFO crane-

based grasping challenge, he gifts the family with his spoils and manages to

focus the toddlers long enough to stop their screaming. Ahhh. Papahl himself

exhibits seer-like qualities, as he informs Link that the hero will find him

lost in the mountains later on. His strange reasoning here - using the

information to have Link rescue him rather than avoid getting lost in the

first place - is an early hint that things on Koholint are not all as they

should be. Possibly owing partly to a tip from his wife, they do indeed

encounter each other later on, Link stumbling across an exhausted Papahl in

Tal Tal Heights near Mt Tamaranch. He gives the poor man a refreshing

Pineapple to send him in on his way, in return receiving the pretty and

fragrant Hibiscus he happened to have on him. Rejuvenated, Papahl then

proceeds to merrily run off in a random direction, which is by all rights a

bad idea since he’s still lost. Somehow, though, he’s able to use his

native’s knowledge of local geography to crawl back into town, so the

family’s story has a happy ending. At least until Link wakes the Wind Fish

and destroys them all.

=============================================================================

P a t c h

Top-notch repairman

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Patch is an oldish guy who lives at the top of Restoration Hill to the west

of Symmetry City in the Past. Link brings him Symmetry City’s broken Tuni

Nut, because the city will collapse on itself without it. Patch’s method

involves something called the Restoration Ceremony, better known as the Crazy

Cart game. As Patch chants the words, the Tuni Nut is placed on a mine cart

that goes rollicking around the place. Once it reaches a certain point, it

will crash if Link isn’t standing on the switch that diverts the tracks.

While this is going on, Link must also smack four Helmet Beetles into a pit.

Um...if someone can please explain the science behind this ritual to me, I’d

be much obliged. Later, Patch also repairs the Broken Sword.

=============================================================================

P e r g i e a n d J a g g l e

Village people

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Pergie nad Jaggle go into one profile because neither one does anything

interesting. Their children, Malo and (less so) Talo, have a lot more going

for them. Jaggle, who by the looks of his physique must be like a carpenter

or something, has an incredibly massive forehead, and is somewhat lazy. He

does helpfully teach Link how to make an improvised flute out of grass with

which to summon a hawk, an important skill at least in the early game and

critical in the tutorial, so that’s all right. Though not quite as motivated

as some of the others in the village, he at least musters the will to

seriously talk to Mayor Bo about retrieving everyone’s kidnapped children,

whereas Pergie just sits at home and bawls grossly. Speaking of their home,

it has a waterwheel attached, so it’s, what, a granary? Something along those

lines.

=============================================================================

P h a n t o m G u i d e

His real name has been lost to time, I guess

Race: Poe

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

From what I understand, the Phantom Guide used to be a hardworking member of

Poe society, but somehow shamed himself and in so doing was doomed to helping

travellers cross the Gerudo Desert for all eternity. After skimming the River

of Sand (Link uses the Hover Boots, though there may be other methods),

travellers are met with a small, unassuming structure just on the verge of

falling apart. Here begins the Phantom Guide test of the desert, which for

one thing requires the participant to even VIEW the guide; Link accomplishes

this with the Lens of Truth (though again there may be other methods,

especially for an accomplished magician.) The Phantom Guide, awoken by his

sudden approach, then declares, ‘I’ll be your guide on your way, but coming

back, I won’t play! I’ll show you the only way to go, so follow me and don’t

be slow!’ Following this, he’ll fly off into the desert, and Link must give

chase, following the exact path the Phantom Guide lays out. Any misstep will

result in a one-way trip back to the Haunted Wasteland, but if Link can

follow his bobbing lantern, he’ll eventually emerge from the sandstorm in

front of the Desert Colossus.

=============================================================================

P h o t o g r a p h e r

Huh, him too

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening (technically, Link’s Awakening DX)

The Photographer appeared in the updated version of Link’s Awakening that was

released with three main additions: Colour, the Colour Dungeon, and a side-

quest of sorts that had you obtaining commemorative photographs to mark a

number of meaningless milestones passed throughout the course of the game. He

gets his own studio not found in the original edition, where Link first

encounters him (and unlocks the ability to obtain photographs) and to which

he can return if he wants to view an album of all the pictures the

Photographer has taken of him so far.

In spite of being a mouse, the Photographer is a fairly robust little guy,

willing to literally climb the highest mountains and swim the deepest seas

(or rather bays) to get that perfect shot. And considering he always seems to

be around at just the exact right moment, he’s either hella lucky or a

paparazzo. Besides Link, he variously shoots Marin, BowWow, Richard, Grandpa

Ulrira, Tarin (at Tarin’s insistence), the fisherman in Martha’s Bay, the

ghost you have to take back to its house for the Angler Key, and the Zora of

Animal Village. Some of his notable feats include starting Link on his visual

kei quest whether he wants to or not, being hooked and reeled on the

fisherman’s line, and shooting while falling off a bridge. Other famous

photographers include Lenzo and Todd, the guy from Pokemon Snap.

The Photographer also has the dubious distinction of creating one of the only

things in Zelda history that you can screw yourself out of; once you pass

certain points, some photographs can no no longer be obtained.

=============================================================================

P i e r r e a n d B o n o o r u

Singing scarecrows

Race: Scarecrows

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Link finds Bonooru at Lake Hylia as a child. Bonooru, a great lover of song

and dance, asks Link to perform something he’s written himself. Whatever Link

plays becomes the Scarecrow’s Song.

As an adult, Link will occasionally see Pierre’s pointed hat poking out of

the ground, and if he doesn’t, Navi will likely point it out with her glowing

green effects. If Link plays the Scarecrow’s Song at such times, Pierre will

recognize the tune, pop out of the ground and erect a Hookshot target,

opening up secret areas. This is essential to completing certain side-quests.

They both play minor roles in Majora’s Mask, teaching Link the Inverted Song

of Time and the Song of Double Time.

=============================================================================

P i n k u r u

Pink Tingle

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Mogitate Chinkuru no Barairo Rupii Rando

Another Mogitate Tingle character, the mannish Pinkuru dresses even more

oddly than Tingle: She wears a similar hat, a bikini top, and fishnet pants.

She also has a rose tattoo on her left upper arm, which fits with the game’s

title. Pinkuru appears on Tingle’s computer in his home and offers advice on

where to go next.

=============================================================================

P l u m m

Pirate Edition

Race: Parrot

Appearances: Twilight Princess

After Link clears the Twilight from Lake Hylia, Plumm can be found in the

same spot where Link initially wrangled a ride to Zora’s Domain. Here, Plumm

is running a minigame, which unfolds with striking similarity to his original

adventure upriver, except this time he’s riding an enormous bird instead of a

twilit monster, and his objective is to fly into a series of enormous fruits

that Plumm has placed throughout the course. There are three types of fruit,

and the object is to fly into a succession of the same type throughout the

whole course, fuelling a combo counter that multiplies his score to levels

exponentially higher than they would otherwise be. After Link easily beats

the high score Plumm sets for him, the intrigued parrot rewards him with a

Heart Piece. I also seem to remember Plumm doing a little eye-clawing on some

enemy or another, but maybe it was my imagination. It makes him a little

cooler, if he did it. It also never really comes into anything, but Plumm is

Iza’s bird.

=============================================================================

P o s t m a n

A very serious civil servant

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Ages

The Minish Cap

Twilight Princess

Phantom Hourglass

Spirit Tracks

The Postman has had two incarnations. The first, strangely, is less

noteworthy than the second. He first appeared on the scene as the Running

Man, a guy who waddled around Hyrule Castle Town and, later, Gerudo Valley,

and even later, Hyrule Field. Always running, the Running Man was. Link sold

him the Bunny Hood, which made him even faster, as part of the Happy Mask

Shop mini-trading game. You could also challenge him to a race from wherever

you were to Sacred Forest Meadow; Bunny Hood or not, this race was

unwinnable, as even teleporting straight there would result in him outpacing

you by exactly one second. The only point was to race against your own time,

which you could then view in Link’s house.

His running animation was put to good use when it was recycled for Majora’s

Mask. This time, he ran around Clock Town delivering mail on a route and

schedule he had timed to the second, and he got very aggravated when

interruptions threw off his flawless timing. He was also one of three people

(the other two being Link and the Curiosity Shop owner) who knew the

whereabouts of Kafei, and played a part in reuniting him with Anju, as well

as handed over the Postman’s Hat.

Oracle of Ages witnessed his participation in the Trading Game; the

perpetually late public officer offered up some Stationery in exchange for a

Poe Clock.

The Wind Waker featured the appropriately named Quill, who is a distinct

character.

In his other three appearances, he delivers mail. This is useful, but there’s

not much to say about it, although the Japanese-style flag he wears in TP is

kind of interesting, as is the fact that this incarnation marks the start of

a delineation in the physical appearance of the various Postmen; this one is

awkward and skinny, like myself. In PH he takes on a decidedly avian

appearance, sort of a mix between his previous iterations, Quill, and a

cherub. And his ST form is pretty much what that one would look like if he

lacked wings and dressed more normally, though he laments the new world order

in which letter-carriers no longer read mail aloud to their recipients, a

duty his predecessor enjoyed, and without wings, he presumably has to travel

by passenger train.

Yes, an inconsequential character, indeed.

=============================================================================

P r o f e s s o r S h i k a s h i

(conj.) but; however

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

If Majora’s Mask were a short adventure novel for young boys (it isn’t,

remember), Professor Shikashi would be like the old guy at the beginning who

offers vague advice to the hero at the beginning, and which turns out to be

instrumental in his success at the climax. He just has that kind of vibe

going for him. Dressed in Merlin-blue robes and a hat and sporting a cropped

white beard, Professor Shikashi devotes his days to observing the cosmos with

the gigantic telescope in his Astral Observatory, which he lets the Bombers

use as their hideout. He lets one of the scarecrows make his home in there as

well. When Link approaches him as either himself or his Deku self, he

stresses the importance of developing one’s interests while one is young,

which no doubt spoke deeply to the young people who were playing a video game

when they read that. Professor Shikashi is, technically, essential in

allowing Link to obtain the quest-critical Moon’s Tear (which also figures

into a Deed-swapping side quest), but he seems rather clueless about the

whole affair, and indeed his own impending destruction. Anyone have any idea

what he says in the final few hours of the 72-hour cycle? I guess that’d be

my job to find out, not gonna.

Professor Shikashi’s alt-world counterpart in Ocarina of Time’s Hyrule was

just some short-tempered old guy who hung out in the eastern corner of the

village; you could easily go the whole game and never even notice him there.

=============================================================================

P u r d y

Hedgehog

Race: Parrot

Appearances: Twilight Princess

I call these guys parrots, I realise they aren’t, shut up, nobody really

cares. Purdy, Hena’s winged companion with whom she lives at the Fishing

Hole, actually resembles a parrot the least out of any of them, this is a

bird you might see in a tree in like the East Side or something, except it’s

blue. What’s more, its single and only claim to fame is its unbelievable

audacity and rudeness, and that, from what I read on an old GameSpot thread I

dug up because I didn’t know anything about it (her?) since nobody cares

about her, if you attack it or something Hena will get protective and kick

you out of her establishment. That’s her entire thing, I mean profiles like

this are the exact reason I try to lump characters together when I can, but

Plumm and Coro are cool enough to deserve their own, so rhetorical trailing-

off and abrupt finish.

=============================================================================

P u r l o

Would-be scam artist

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Purlo is the dislikeable guy who owns the STAR Game in Hyrule Castle Town. He

starts out with high hopes for what should be a profitable enterprise, but he

doesn’t count on his only customer, Link, being unnaturally good at

everything ever. The object of the timed game is to collect a bunch of

coloured orbs arranged throughout a brass cage, which would be completely

impossible if not for Link’s trusty Clawshot. When he wins, Purlo grudgingly

hands over the Big Quiver, pretending to be nice and all but actually cursing

Link under his breath and swearing it won’t be so easy next time. And in

fact, it isn’t, with a greater number of coloured balls in even more awkward

locations than before, and would be completely impossible if not for Link’s

trusty Dual Clawshots. Purlo coughs up the Giant Quiver and is very sad.

I can’t help but notice the similarity in name between Purlo and Charlo,

another moneygrubber who hangs around Hyrule Castle Town (known as ‘the Town’

or ‘the HCT’ to locals, not really.) He’s also one of a few people not to

take any flak from Link in his wolf form, instead telling him to take off

since he’s aggravating his allergies.

=============================================================================

Q u e e n A m b i

Ancient tyrant

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

Ambi is the ancient Queen of Labrynna, seen only in the Past. Though she was

originally kind and warm, she has turned ruthless and cold in more recent

times. She’s not really to blame, though, considering Veran has taken control

of her body and is using her influence to further her scheme. Ambi has

recently commissioned Ambi’s Tower, a giant stone monolith which Lynna City

residents have started calling the Black Tower due to its obviously evil

undertones. Ambi’s body plays a part in a couple of boss battles, but Veran

soon moves on to possess Nayru instead. In the end, Ambi returns to her old

self and rules Labrynna with a kind and guiding hand for many years. As it

turns out, Ralph is her direct descendant, many generations removed.

=============================================================================

Q u i l l

Winged postman of the sea

Race: Rito

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Courageous and compassionate, Quill helps Link out several times on his

quest. He not only convinces the pirates to take Link with them, he also

vouches for his good character to the Rito chieftain. The chieftain believes

Quill on principle, because he holds him in high regard. Quill is quite wise

for his age, but is completely baffled by watercraft, as his winged form has

never been aboard one. He is also part of the rescue party consisting of

himself, Komali and Valoo that whisks Link and Tetra away from the Forsaken

Fortress when they confront Ganondorf at its wooden summit.

=============================================================================

R a b b i t R e s c u e r

Bosom buddies with bunnies

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

According to Nintendo Power, the owner and operator of Rabbitland Rescue was

inspired by a desire to include collectible overworld items and one staff

member’s love of bunnies. It is doubtful, however, that that guy’s obsession

runs quite as deeply as does the Rabbit Rescuer’s, as the latter quit his day

job, left his wife, donned a bunny costume, and built a huge park, a sort of

Outer Haven for multicoloured rabbits, their only refuge from the loneliness

and cruelty of a world that requires Pokemon to seek out human companionship

if they have any real desire for self-improvement. The Rabbit Rescuer (my

name for him) claims that bunnies actually enjoy being pursued, and so he

sends Link out into the Hyrulean countryside to search for them and bring

them into the fold in return for various prizes, mainly Treasure but also a

Heart Piece. Each Realm has its own type of bunny, of which there are 10

each; the refuge becomes quite lively by the time we’re done. This also

prompts a sort of epilogue that involves going to Hyrule Castle Town and

fetching his estranged wife; the two are able to reconcile and begin living

together at Rabbitland Rescue. Both are fond of using the word ‘frolic.’ This

is probably the longest-running and most time-consuming of any sidequest in

the game.

=============================================================================

R a f t o n

Fashioner of rafts

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

Rafton has spent much time and effort trying to create a raft able to brave

the seas to the southeast of Labrynna, but he needs a rope that won’t decay

in water. In the Past, an old man named Cheval is working on just such a

thing, and the rope is located in his Present-day tomb. Link brings it to

Rafton in the Present, and as a reward he gets to be the first one to ride

the new Raft, which takes him to Crescent Island and Moonlit Grotto.

=============================================================================

R a l i s

Zora sovereign

Race: Zora

Appearances: Twilight Princess

By the time Twilight-era Hyrule rolls around, the King of the Zoras has died.

When Zant stormed Lanayru Province, he executed the queen, Rutela, as an

example to her people. Ralis was the next in line to be ruler, but he found

himself passed out in Castle Town, far away from home. Telma did her best to

care for him, but the town’s no-account doctor knew little of Zora biology

and so refused to help. They needed an expert. They needed...Renado, in

Kakariko Village! At the behest of Rutela’s spirit, Link travelled to the bar

and, once apprised of the situation, agreed to escort Telma, Ralis and Ilia

to the village, and after a harrowing adventure against a horde of Bokoblin

boar-riders, they arrived. Ralis spent some time recovering and then gave

Link the Zora Armour (what used to be called the Zora Tunic) so he could

enter Lakebed Temple. He spent the rest of the game recovering, then returned

to Zora’s Domain as the new ruler of his people.

=============================================================================

R a l p h

Nayru’s childhood friend

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

Ralph is known for his quick temper and headstrong nature. One of those

present at the jamboree when Veran possessed Nayru, he put his life on the

line to try and rescue her. He spends most of the game living in the Past,

working to restore Labrynna to its correct state of affairs. When Ralph saw

that Nayru was in danger, he immediately whipped out a sword, and in so

doing, earned my respect. You just don’t see enough Zelda characters who can

handle themselves around weapons.

=============================================================================

R a u r u

Sage of Light

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Rauru was the man who originally built the Temple of Time to house the Master

Sword, and also the one who devised the locking mechanism to the Sacred

Realm: The Door of Time would only open when the three Spiritual Stones and

the Ocarina of Time were gathered together. Beyond the Door was the Master

Sword, which could only be drawn and wielded by someone of a pure heart. In

this way, Rauru thought he had sealed off the Triforce from evildoers, though

Ganondorf found a workaround. When Link awoke from his seven-year sleep Rauru

was the first to greet him, and was the first of the Sages to provide Link

with the appropriate medallion. Though not the strongest of the Sages or

their destined leader (that’s Zelda), he helped coordinate the actions of the

other five.

============================================================================

R e m

Rapid Eye Movement

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

A narcoleptic shoemaker who eats nothing but apples, Rem runs a modest trade

in Hyrule Castle Town. Some of his best products include Zelda’s very own

shoes, which I don’t believe have ever been seen ever, and the legendary

Pegasus Boots, which are like the Speed Booster or Dash Engine or, uh,

Running Shoes. However, as it turns out, contrary to Rem’s belief that he

makes shoes in his sleep, the horrendous results of his conscious attempts

belying the fine craftsmanship of his unintentional accomplishments, the ones

actually responsible for his products are the ever-helpful Minish, who

fabricate footbags whenever he goes down. This is a direct take on the German

folkloric tale of the Shoemaker and the Elves, where a down-on-his-luck

Rothenburger gains wealth by presenting ‘his’ creations to the Chancellor.

Link learns of this (the Minish, not the German folkloric tale) when he

assumes Minish stature and clambers up onto his workbench. The Pegasus Boots,

as it turns out, are prepped and ready to go, so all Link has to do is awaken

Rem so that the duo can be touched up and sold. One of Syrup’s Wake-Up

Mushrooms does the trick.

=============================================================================

R e n a d o

Community leader

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

As shaman of Kakariko Village, Renado is basically its mayor. He leads the

community in its day-to-day activities, acts as spiritual advisor and is the

local doctor. He has some history with Telma the barmaid, and even though he

says he can’t stand her, they’re really in love. He was also good buddies

with Mayor Bo back in the day. Renado, do-gooder that he is, heals Prince

Ralis and helps Ilia recover her memory.

=============================================================================

R i c h a r d

Imported hero

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Richard was not originally a Zelda character. He hails from a game called

Kaeru no Tame ni Kane wa Naru (‘For Frogs the Bell Tolls’), which was the

starting point for the Link’s Awakening game engine. The game centred around

a peculiar battle system and the ability to transform into a frog or snake as

the Prince of Sable raced against his childhood rival Richard to see who

would be the first to rescue Princess Chiramisu.

Considering the highly referential nature of Link’s Awakening, it’s not

especially surprising that Richard shows up on Koholint. He once lived in

Kanalet Castle, which was supposedly the home of the kings of Koholint long

ago, but his rebellious servants became aggravated and kicked him out.

Richard moved a little ways off and built a small house. Richard’s Villa was

filled with frogs and played a remixed version of the Kane wa Naru title

theme. He is not particularly upset about being kicked out, but he does yearn

for his five precious Golden Leaves. Link enters the castle and returns them

to Richard, receiving the Slime Key for his troubles.

=============================================================================

R i c k y, M o o s h a n d D i m i t r i

Animal friends

Race: Animals

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

Link’s Awakening featured a village inhabited by a plethora of talking

animals, and I guess Link’s so-called ‘animal partners’ are an extension of

that idea. All three are friendly talking animals with a unique attack, a

unique method of travel, mild importance to the story, and the ability to

reach areas Link can’t get to on his own. Any time before the third dungeon

in either game, Link has a few opportunities to collect a Strange Flute. He

can only ever find one, and the method by which he finds it determines which

animal partner he will have for the duration of the game. Link can play the

Strange Flute at any time in the overworld to summon his buddy, hop on and

take advantage of their talents.

Ricky – A kangaroo who has lost his boxing gloves. Despite pronoun use that

suggests he is male, he has a pouch. Ricky can play Punch-Out!! or charge up

a long-distance whirlwind attack. He can also hop up high ledges.

Moosh – A huge blue bear with tiny angel wings that are somehow strong enough

to carry him long distances. Moosh is terribly afraid of water, however, so

he flatly refuses to fly over it. He’s also perpetually hungry, and afraid of

ghosts. His attack is a ground-pound.

Dimitri – This Dodongo defies convention by not only being friendly, but by

loving swimming. He’s the coolest of the three, and his ability to travel

quickly over water is the most generally useful, but his close-range biting

attack leaves something to be desired.

=============================================================================

R i v e r D e v i l

Folkloric foe

Race: Devil

Appearances: The Adventure of Link

Not a boss, or an enemy, or admittedly even much of a character, but rather

an overworld obstacle of not much higher grade than a bombable boulder, the

River Devil spends his days standing there. He is a hideous midnight-black

multi-armed monstrosity who terrorizes the people of the nearby town of

Nabooru, probably by dragging off small children or something, and certainly

by attacking anyone who gets too close to his river. However, he shares the

Pols Voices’ weakness for loud noises, and is highly suspectible to the tones

of the Whistle. Until Link obtains that little bit of ivory, southeastern

Hyrule is off-limits, which is a problem because the region is home to some

of the more important areas in the whole game. If I recall correctly, unlike

the huge boulder that has to be hit with the Hammer every single time you

want to barge through, the River Devil can only handle one good zap and then

he’s gone for good.

=============================================================================

R o m a n o s

Would-be wayfarer

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

The grown son of the Old Wayfarer, Romanos lives on Molida Island with his

mother. Forced to grow up without a father due to the Old Wayfarer’s

successful but one-way voyage, Romanos harbours a deep grudge against the Old

Wayfarer that stems from his failure to understand why he had to leave him.

Eventually, Romanos comes to see why his father took the actions he did, and

resolves to become more like him and go on an adventure of his own someday,

even opening an archery mini-game in hopes of raising the necessary funds.

I found more to say about River Devil than I did about Romanos? Really?

=============================================================================

R o s a

The only female of her race

Race: Subrosian

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Rosa is easily identifiable by her red robes (most Subrosians wear green) and

the big pink bow she wears on her head. Link enters Subrosia for the first

time by furtively following her into a portal. Later, she loses her bow, but

like the do-gooder he is, Link finds it and returns it. They go on a brief

date, which advances the game a little and indirectly leads to the Rod of

Seasons regaining another function (Summer, if I remember correctly).

=============================================================================

R o s a S i s t e r s

Dancing queens

Race: Hylians

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Bearing no relation to the subject of the previous profile, the Rosa Sisters

are dancers with Gorman’s troupe. The girl in red is called Judo, and her

blue-clothed counterpart is named Marillo. The current focal point of their

lives is the development of a new dance they’re determined to choreograph in

preparation for their performance at the Carnival of Time, but sadly they

just can’t seem to find the ‘spark.’ They can’t focus, they can’t create, and

they can’t agree, and everything they come up with just turns out to be a

retread of their existing work. They want something new, something unlike

anything they’ve ever done before. Ironically, their inspiration comes from

something ancient, or at least old: Deceased dance master Kamaro, who gives

up his mask when Link plays the Song of Healing for him. When he dons

Kamaro’s Mask, Link is able to perform the old man’s soon-to-be-world-famous

dance, funky music and all. When he does so in front of the twins, they freak

out and realise it’s exactly the sort of thing they’ve been looking for this

entire time (and give him a Heart Piece in gratitude). Every night, the Rosa

Sisters practise their dance in the square in West Clock Town; after Link

teaches them his moves, they’ll be found practising that particular dance in

place of their own tired ones. Having said that, might as well also mention

that by day, they lounge in their room at the Stock Pot Inn with the rest of

the troupe.

=============================================================================

R u p i i j i

Some old guy

Race: I think Hylian

Appearances: Mogitate Chinkuru no Barairo Rupiirando

Rupiiji kick-starts Mogitate Tingle by offering Tingle the chance to enter a

paradisial realm of happiness and sunshine. Tingle, bored by his middle-aged

life, is more than eager to take on this fascinating new challenge. To help

him accomplish what would otherwise be an impossible quest, Rupiiji gives

Tingle a magical Rupee-collecting suit and outfits him with various pieces of

equipment. The suit may even give Tingle limited powers of time travel, since

he appears in several eras, but that’s probably just me being silly. Anyway,

you’ll be interested to know Rupiiji’s head is actually shaped like a Rupee,

and what’s more, his name means Old Man Rupee (haha, or maybe Uncle Rupee!)

=============================================================================

R u s s e l l

Big blonde-bearded bruiser

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Link meets Russell shortly after obtaining the Recruit’s Uniform, a disguise

that allows him to run freely about the castle, including restricted areas,

in spite of all the guards having clearly seen him in his Engineer’s Clothes

only minutes before. In desperate need of a weapon, he runs to the Castle

training centre to be issued a sword. Russell, clad in the more practical cap

of 19th Century soldiery that indicates an officer, has Link train with his

new Recruit’s Sword to show that he can handle himself with it, teaching him

the basic moves in the process. Some time later, Link will learn that he has

an opportunity for futher traiing, which, for a 20-Rupee fee, takes the form

of the same exercise found in The Wind Waker and Phantom Hourglass: Hit the

opponent 999 times before being hit 3 times. The difference here is that this

time it’s three-on-one, and not only do the spear-wielding soldiers become

more aggressive as your score climbs, but they start working together and

acquire new techniques as the battle wears on. This dynamic makes this

version of the contest the hardest by far, but there are a few rewards,

including random treasures and, if you complete it, the rank of Captain and

having all guards bow in your presence, which is a little bit funny.

=============================================================================

R u s l

Strapping village stalwart

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Rusl’s face is the first thing you see when you start up your Twilight

Princess file, so he effectively kick-starts the game, by pontificating about

the mysteries of that elusive space between the dark and the light. Rusl is a

big fan of swords, and he not only gives Link the Wooden Sword to practise

with, but later offers up the ceremonial Ordon Sword that was intended as an

offering to Princess Zelda, which he forged himself. When Ordon Village is

attacked by a Bulblin raiding party shortly after the beginning of the game,

Rusl courageously attempts to fight them off, but is defeated at the hands of

King Bulblin. The injuries he sustains in this fight put him out of

commission for a long while; combined with Link’s departure, this leaves the

village all but defenceless, and to make matters worse, the children are all

kidnapped, including Rusl’s son Colin. And know what, his wife, Uli, spends

the first few minutes of the game looking for their daughter, who has been

kidnapped by a monkey, so these two have really bad luck. Later, we encounter

him as part of the Resistance movement being run out of Telma’s Bar, in which

he somehow comes up with a Golden Cucco to help us enter the Temple of Time

(the man has serious skills), and appears with the other three operatives to

get in a nice violent brawl during Link’s final assault on Hyrule Castle.

Here he demonstrates his hawk-commanding skills, which is really making it

seem like a pretty common ability in Ordon Village. I assume that when he’s

in the village and in good health, Rusl is a farmer as well as a swordsman,

because a place with so few people needs every labourer possible, and it’s

not like he has something better to do when they’re not being attacked

anyhow.

In the first version of this guide, I decided not to give Rusl his own

profile, but given the number of undeserving characters who have somehow

managed to get their own profile, I’ve releneted due to his coolness.

Yes, there are two people in the Zelda series who have this name, and yes,

they are both skilled with swords and give Link his first one.

=============================================================================

R u t o

Pluckiness defined

Race: Zora

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Princess Ruto’s main job is as attendant to Jabu-Jabu, the Zora deity. She

would often enter Jabu-Jabu’s belly and wander around inside him, knowing

that it was not particularly dangerous for her. She was imperilled, however,

when the monster known as Barinade and his various underlings invaded Jabu-

Jabu’s body on Ganondorf’s orders. Searching for her Spiritual Stone of

Water, which Jabu-Jabu had incidentally swallowed while being fed, Ruto

accidentally fell through a permeable membrane and became hopelessly lost.

Luckily, Link was seeking her out, as he knew she had the Spiritual Stone and

was trying to collect them.

After he found Ruto, she followed him around and let him carry her on his

shoulders. They worked together to escape Jabu-Jabu’s Belly, with Ruto

performing such roles as keeping switches depressed so that Link could

proceed. (She has other uses, too, which exploit her invincibility – namely

you can throw her at Biri to pop them. She is not particularly impressed with

such behaviour.) Eventually, Link is able to defeat Barinade.

Ruto lets him choose his reward, and he picks the Zora’s Sapphire. This is an

item of special significance to Ruto because it was given to her by her dead

mother. She received it with instructions to give it to the man she intended

to marry – and Link is pretty cute, so she happily hands over the Zora’s

Engagement Ring.

After Ganondorf’s takeover, all of Zora’s Domain is covered under ice, and

its inhabitants with it. Sheik finds Ruto under the ice and frees her, but is

unable to do the same for her people. Ruto is regretful on this point but

starts to work against Ganondorf, and ends up encountering Link in the Water

Temple. Ruto is pretty angry that Link has been out of touch, but she sets

their differences aside so they can conquer the Water Temple together.

Actually, Ruto doesn’t do a whole lot, but she does help somewhat. After Link

beats Morpha, Ruto awakens as the Sage of Water.

She reluctantly points out that Sages can never marry, and so she must break

the vows she and Link made so long ago. Harsh. Then again, Link probably

isn’t too bummed.

=============================================================================

S a h a s r a h l a

Old Man’s successor

Race: Hylian

Appearances: A Link to the Past

Sahrashla is every bit the wise elder, sporting a long white beard and

spouting nonsense no one can understand. He originally lived in Kakariko

Village but smartly skipped town when the Hyrule Castle Guards set up shop.

Link finds him living as a recluse near the Eastern Palace. He explains the

ancient history of the Master Sword, the story of the Seven Wise Men (that

is, the Seven Sages from Ocarina of Time, only two of whom were actually men)

and Link’s new quest: To find the Pendants of Courage, Wisdom and Power. He

provides the Pegasus Boots after Link acquires the first of the three.

Skilled in telepathy, Sahrahla psychically contacts Link several times

throughout the game. He also provides a little advice when Link touches a

Triforce tile. After Ganon is ousted, Sahrahla returns home and everybody

parties.

Saharahla’s name comes from Nintendo of America’s ever-terrible Romanization.

His Japanese name, Sahasurara, refers to Sahasrara, the highest chakra in the

Hindu Tantric tradition.

=============================================================================

S a l e

Sells things

Race: Alligator

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Sale’s House of Bananas can be found at Toronbo Shores on the southern coast

of Koholint Island. His potassium emporium doesn’t seem to have anything up

for purchase, but the fellow is willing to strike up a deal if you can come

up with something to his liking. Fortunately, Sale helpfully lets us know

that his life’s passion lies with the curation of canned goods, and so armed

with this knowledge we can figure out that the Dog Food from Madame MeowMeow

is exactly the ticket. This is part of the Trading Game, which is pretty much

where Sale’s usefulness ends. Although we were expecting Sale to add the can

to his collection, he actually ends up tossing it straight down the hatch and

swallowing it in one gulp, which...kind of makes you wonder, but as long as

he’s happy.

Sale has a brother in Animal Village named Schule Donavitch.

=============================================================================

S a l v a g e C o r p.

Undersea scavengers

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Salvage Corp. is cool because they’re one of a number of groups that actually

travel around the sea, like Link, Beedle, or Fishman. Their craft seems to be

a submarine, but is apparently not submersible. The three men spend their

days trolling the ocean floor for treasure, using what appears to be about

1920s-era diving equipment, searching for that one big haul that will set

them on the free and easy for the rest of their lives. When Link talks to

them, they give him various Sea Charts that they think they don’t need, but

if they’re strapped for cash maybe they should be holding onto them. Towards

the end of the game, they start searching for the golden Triumph Forks, but

without the Triforce Charts it’s safe to say they never had a hope of finding

them.

=============================================================================

S a l v a t o r e

Bored employee

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Phantom Hourglass

Most of us can identify with Salvatore because we’ve been there. We’ve been

stuck working demeaning, pointless jobs that we can’t leave because being

poor isn’t very fun, and so we grind through them, shift after shift.

Salvatore’s arbeit is particularly boring because most of the time all he

ever does ever is sit behind his dais with his chin in his hand, on the off-

chance someone might wander at random into the Windfall Island windmill and

suddenly have the urge to play the game he’s running. Pretty dull stuff, but

eventually, he does get a customer. Actually, I wonder if Link was in fact

the only one he ever got.

Regardless, Salvatore springs into action. Donning a cardboard cutout that

gives him a salty backdrop and a pirate captain’s hat, he launches into a

desperate tale of an attack on the island. The children are in danger! You,

the player, are tasked with protecting them, apparently by shooting Bombs at

them. He really gets into it, even adding voices and sound effects. Then the

game starts, and you find out it’s a lot like Battleship. Link has a limited

number of shots to fire at any location of his choice on a large grid; if the

one he chooses is empty, Salvatore will go ‘SmiiIIIiish!” and a red x will

appear; otherwise, he’ll blow into a trumpt and a hit marker will

materialise. The goal is to pick a pattern that makes optimal use of your

shots, then hoping you’re lucky enough to detect and destroy all four

attacking ships before you run out of ammunition. It’s kind of fun. It may

take a couple of tries to win due to the random ship layout that may screw

you over due to simple bad luck, but the prizes are very worthy of your time.

You can meet Salvatore again on another island, so small that his dais is

just about all it can accommodate, where he runs a different mini-game, this

one seeing Link firing a cannon at a number of targets. This one’s pretty ok

too. Mila eventually takes over his night shift.

The first time I saw Salvatore – tall, blonde, and moustachioed – I imagined

he was about 18. I’m no longer sure if that’s possible.

Salvatore reappears in Phantom Hourglass, this time running a cannon game on

Bannan Island. This time he illustrates the rules with a puppet show. But I

have to wonder, how did yet ANOTHER Waker character manage to venture so far

afield from their home base? If not for the S.S. Linebeck riding the horizon

at the end of Hourglass, I’d be tempted to call the entire game Koholint

Island Redux.

=============================================================================

S a r i a

Link’s childhood friend

Race: Kokiri

Appearances: Ocarina of Time

Link was always disliked and picked on for not having a fairy of his own.

Saria was the one Kokiri who never teased him. Like Medli to Komali, she was

both a love interest and a mother figure to him. She was also quite brave,

brazenly entering the dangerous Lost Woods and exploring them thoroughly. Her

favourite place is the Sacred Forest Meadow, right outside the Forest Temple.

Saria has what is said to be the most touching moment in any Zelda game: The

time when Link must leave the forest behind, and that means Saria, too. She

wordlessly gives him her favourite Fairy Ocarina, then runs off, crying. I

wasn’t that affected by it, but perhaps I am just cold and heartless.

She teaches him Saria’s Song, which sounds suspiciously like the Lost Woods

theme, so that he can play it for Darunia and cheer him up. When Link takes

his seven-year hiatus, Saria is captured and imprisoned in the Forest Temple

by Phantom Ganon and the ‘Little Women’ Poe Sisters. When Link rescues her,

she awakens as the Sage of Forest and gives him the Forest Medallion.

=============================================================================

S c h u l e D o n a v i t ch

Morita-daisensei...!

Race: Alligator

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

Bearing the single best name anyone has ever had, Schule Donavitch is a

successful sculptor living in Animal Village. In fact, it was Donavitch who

sculpted the Mermaid Statue at the lookout point of Martha’s Bay. When

combined with his brother, Sale, a connoisseur of fine canned goods, the duo

forms a cleverly subtle reference to Andy Warhol, a celebrated mid-20th

Century American artist who painted a can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup in 1968,

which became really famous for no real reason. He (Donavitch, not Warhol) is

also listed in one instance as ‘Art Alligator’, but let’s be serious.

=============================================================================

S e r a

Demo doll

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Although her appearance was only fleeting, Sera instantaneously became one of

the ‘faces’ of Twilight Princess by showing herself in the E3 2005 demo vid.

Hanch’s wife and Beth’s mother, she owns and operates Sera’s Sundries, the

tool and supply shop from which Link purchases the Slingshot, one of his

first acquisitions and an item with which he can wow all the local boys and

girls. She also gives him a bottle of Milk, which, more importantly than the

6 hearts it restores, becomes one of those always-useful Empty Bottles, good

for storing everything from Fairies to Potions to, in this game for the first

time, Lantern Oil.

She’s also the owner of a cat named after Link, who runs way when Sera fails

to give him fish for dinner, and is initially found trying to grab some

straight out of the river and roundly failing. After Hylian Link catches one

for him, he snatches it and runs back to the shop, returning Sera to good

spirits. This cat, incidentally, turns out to be surprisingly articulate and

well-informed when you speak to him in wolf form.

=============================================================================

S h i r o

Invisible Man

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

A dedicated soldier in the ranks of civilized Termina’s corps of Hylian

soldiers, Shiro was ambushed by Garo in the Road to Ikana. I imagine he put

up a terrific struggle, but was ultimately overwhelmed by the numbers and

battle prowess of the ninja (who were in no way his brethren.) Or maybe he

just fell down and hurt himself, but either way his injuries have prevented

him from moving from his spot for a number of years. He sits invisibly in a

ring of rocks at the junction between the road to Romani Ranch and the actual

road to Ikana, yelling and calling for help and waving his arms to try and

get somebody’s attention, all uselessly, although a nearby Gossip Stone does

point him out. Eventually, Link pulls through with the Lens of Truth, notices

him there, and moseys over for a chat. Startled that someone was kind enough

to pay attention to him, Shiro then asks a further favour: If he’s ever gonna

get out of this mess, he needs to revitalize his body and mind. He needs a

Red Potion. When Link graciously offers him a swig, he receives the Stone

Mask in return. Rocks on the ground, Shiro, and the Stone Mask are all

equally interesting, so in such a disguise Link can wander around anywhere he

pleases and no one even cares. It’s no Bunny Hood, but it certainly makes

Gerudo’s Fortress less stressful. Sam Fisher, Solid Snake, Konohamaru and

Ayame would be proud.

=============================================================================

S i m o n

& Schuster

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

A precociously enterprising proprietor of Simon’s Simulations, this youngster

will urge you to test your mettle against an array of enemies he’s prepared

for all comers. If Link does as Simon says, he’ll have him take a nap in a

snug cot inside the site, and, in a sequence of events straight out of

Koholint Island’s Dream Shrine, he’ll seemingly awaken a moment later only to

find himself under attack. This is the ‘simulations’ part of it. Even so

Simon warns that he can’t guarantee the participant’s safety, and that they’d

better stay sharp if they don’t want to actually die. Strangely, injuries

sustained in the simulation will manifest themselves in the real world, while

real-world scars and deformations keep their distance from the simulation,

which is one piece of evidence some fans use to suggest that the real world

is in fact just a second simulation stacked on top of the original to make

its prisoners THINK they’ve escaped. Defeating the enemy onslaught will

trigger a rude awakening and the appearance of a Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

S k u l l K i d a n d F r i e n d s

Forest imp and his fairy companions

Race: Skull Kid and fairies

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Skull Kid – Skull Kids were minor enemies from the Lost Woods in Ocarina of

Time. Actually, enemies is a bad word, since they were only a nuisance as an

adult and outright helpful as a child. Legend dictates that Hylian children

or Kokiri who get lost in the Lost Woods turn into Skull Kids. There is one

particular Skull Kid in the Lost Woods who befriends Link when he gives him

the Skull Mask as part of the mask-trading game; possibly, this is the same

Skull Kid from Majora’s Mask.

At any rate, Skull Kid lived in Clock Town and Termina Field long before Link

got there. No one liked him because he was always playing pranks on everyone

and making mischief. He became very sad because he badly wanted friends, but

no one even wanted to be seen talking to him. One day, however, he met Tatl

and Tael, and they all got on quite well. He also soon met and befriended the

Four Giants, the patron deities of Termina who resided in its cardinal

directions and protected it from harm. However, he was still angry with

society, and in an act of rebellion he stole Majora’s Mask from the Happy

Mask Salesman. The mask quickly took over, transforming his mischievous

nature into patent malevolence. He causes a great deal of pain for everyone

in the land, imprisons the Four Giants, and, worst of all, sets the moon on a

collision course that would destroy everything. Now we’re all wishing we’d

never shunned him.

We spy Skull Kid a couple of times around Clock Town, but we mostly see him

in Termina’s final moments as he waits for all to be obliterated. Link

eventually learns and plays the Oath to Order, halting the moon’s descent and

forcing Majora’s Mask off Skull Kid. In the closing credits, we see that

everyone has come around and realised Skull Kid is an okay guy after all.

Tatl – Tatl serves as this game’s version of Navi, pointing things out,

providing information and facilitating Z-Targeting. There are a few key

differences, however. First and foremost, Tatl has way more dialogue and a

lot more character. Whereas I described Navi as spunky, Tatl is sassy. She

also serves as Link’s voice many times throughout the game, even having full

conversations with certain individuals.

She is also significantly younger than Navi and not quite as smart. She has a

lot of good ideas, but her knowledge of enemies is sub-par, to say the least.

‘Just...hit it with your sword or something!’ indeed. Her means of getting

your attention is also more subdued, and, some would say, less annoying – she

merely dings instead of yelling ‘Hey!’ ‘Listen!’ ‘He-LOOOoo!’ ‘Watch out!’ or

‘Ploom!’ As Navi is a pun on the word navigation, Tatl and Tael form the word

tattle-tale. Plus, Tatl herself ‘tattles’ on enemies, in the same way that

Goombella uses her Tattle move in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year-Door.

Tael – Tael is a dark purple character to his older sister’s blinding white.

While Tatl agrees to work with Link to restore the proper state of affairs,

Tael sticks with Skull Kid, sycophantically following him around everywhere

he goes, despite the abuse he takes. I’ll let you guess which one of the

fairies made the better choice.

There was also a Skull Kid in Twilight Princess that you had to chase around

the woods as part of acquiring the Master Sword. OH MY GOD, was that ever

annoying. At one point I lost sight of it and ended up running around

aimlessly for like ten minutes trying to figure out which way it went, with

stupid puppet-things falling on my head the entire time. They were frickin’

relentless; they got on my nerves so much I actually started yelling at them.

Then when you corner the Skull Kid, you have to play a stupid game of hide-

and-snipe, which would have been fine if I hadn’t already been aggravated

from the first half of the job. I hated that part of the game.

=============================================================================

S o a l

Shoeshiner

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

A sort of Dickensian kid who hangs around the Hyrule Castle Town market

square trying to scrape together enough to get by, Soal will shine Link’s

boots for 10 Rupees, allowing him to enter Chudley’s Fine Goods and Fancy

Trinkets Emporium, from which the doorman will turn him away if his shoes run

unshined and in front of which Soal coincidentally sits.

=============================================================================

S o k r a

K K Slider’s blood brother

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

A wandering minstrel, Sokra appears every so often to wax poetic on

Holodrum’s current state of affairs. In that sense, he’s one of the few

people who’s ‘plugged in’ to the real story (that is, Onox) behind the

rapidly shifting seasons. He shows up a few times in the early going to keep

Link in the know, but after that he just hangs out in Horon Village and

prepares an elegy for Holodrum. Something about the guitar, the robes, the

sunglasses, and the shaved head makes me think he’s something referential,

like the Blues Brothers or something, but I can’t place it.

=============================================================================

S o r c e r e s s V e r a n

Never actually casts even one spell

Race: Hylian? Possibly demon... I’ve also heard Gerudo but I doubt it

Appearances: Oracle of Ages

Ganondorf has always coveted Hyrule, because if he ever got it fully under

his control, he would effectively have the whole universe in his grasp. Veran

had similar dreams of domination but, being a much less powerful magician,

confined herself to the comparatively inconsequential Labrynna, a land well

known for its long and storied history. In particular, it is remembered for a

critical turning point 400 years ago, when it really began to prosper and

grow.

As Din was the steward of Holodrum, Nayru, the Oracle of Ages, assumed a

similar role in Labrynna. Veran planned out exactly how to use Nayru’s time-

travelling abilities to wreak havoc on the land, and used her own powers of

possession to do it. After first possessing Impa and using this form to trick

Link into allowing her access to Nayru, she quickly took control of Nayru and

used this position to travel 400 years into the past, to that time of looming

prosperity. Acting quickly, Veran began making alterations to that time, and,

now in the body of Ambi, Queen of Labrynna, forced the people to fortify her

newfound position and stands poised to take over.

Unfortunately for Veran, she has the likes of Nayru (now released; Veran can

possess only one individual at a time), Ralph, Impa, and Link working against

her, not to mention every ally of theirs, such as the monkeys, the Great

Fairies, etc. With such odds against her, only her trickery could save her,

which she employed to great effect...but not enough. She encountered Link

several times as she strove to take over completely, and was defeated each

time. In the end, even as True Veran, her ultimate form, she was unable to

overcome the Hero of Hyrule, and the timeline was set right.

Link found out later on that she was really working as an agent of Koume and

Kotake, the Gerudo sisters hellbent on reviving their surrogate son, but

luckily he was able to overcome that difficulty as well, so it’s all good.

=============================================================================

S p i r i t s o f G o o d

Nobody really knows

Race: Lesser deities

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Sort of the counterparts to the Spirits of Power, Wisdom and Courage from

Phantom Hourglass (who are up next) and the patron deities of Hyrule Nouveau,

the Spirits of Good are described in only the vaguest terms possible.

Apparently they were responsible for originally locking Malladus away, and

maybe their influence can be felt during the events of Spirit Tracks or

something. That’s about all we get. By the way, in my opinion all ‘spirits’

are good, if you catch my drift.

=============================================================================

S p i r i t s o f P o w e r, W i s d o m, a n d C o u r a g e

Trifecta

Race: Fairies...and perhaps lesser deities

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

This trio apparently serves to assist the Ocean King in his day-to-day

functions, which I imagine involves repelling evil, regulating the sea

currents, answering the occasional prayer, and that sort of thing. To that

end, although insignificant in the grand scheme of things their powers are

quite substantial unto themselves, so they really have a lot to work with.

Even so, they were powerless when Bellum roared onto the scene seemingly out

of nowhere, knocked the Ocean King into next week, and then moved onto them.

Ciela, the Spirit of Courage and strongest or at least most intelligent of

the three, managed not to get captured but had her powers and memories rent

from her very body. Although kind of useless as a deity now, she was still an

extremely useful agent to the broken shell that the Ocean King had become,

and partly for that reason (but mainly because of his compassion) he kept her

safe by his side. Anyway, that’s not important, you can read about all the

cool stuff Ciela does in her profile. While she was hanging with Uncle Oshus,

Leaf, Spirit of Power (coloured red because of the Power affiliation in spite

of being named Leaf), and Neri, Spirit of Wisdom (blue, of course...Ciela,

naturally, is white >_>) both got thrown into dungeons, to be guarded by

vicious boss monsters.

In grave danger himself and seeing his realm falling farther and farther into

darkness every day, the Ocean King realises he needs allies, and, on a chance

encounter, manages to rope Link into saving the world again, though all he

was planning on doing was rescuing Zelda. The Ocean King figures that a good

place to start is to gather his allies around him once more, and so he sends

Link on a quest to collect the three Spirits. After a little bit, Link

collects the first two (whom he keeps in his bag, like everything else) and

then restores Ciela. Leaf and Neri, and Ciela, are all capable of opening a

specific door in the Temple of the Ocean King, a reasonable security measure

on his part. After that, Leaf and Neri don’t do much, but can power up Link’s

attack or defence, respectively, with the help of Spirit Gems he collects.

All three, of course, stay with the Ocean King when Link leaves at the end of

the game.

=============================================================================

S t o c k w e l l

Constitutional reformer

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Minish Cap

Owner of Hyrule Castle Town’s supply depot, Stockwell sells various

expendable items as well as more interesting ones, like Wallet upgrades. He

is always seen working feverishly on some damn thing or another, apparently

like paperwork or an abacus or something. As a result, his dog Fifi (grhghrrr

must...not...wretch) says that he never has time to feed it, so, in a fit of

temporary insanity, Link decides to help it, requiring him to run to Mama’s

Cafe, shrink himself down, walk the plank between the two buildngs’ chimneys,

and slip behind Stockwell’s counter, where he has set down a Bottle of its

food and forgotten about it. Link grabs the food and gives it to the rank

beast, after which a grateful Stockwell lets him keep the Empty Bottle for

his own use, and in response, Link immediately scours it for 24 hours

straight.

Stockwell’s design is sort of interesting, as he sports an undersized hat, a

prehensile moustache, onion-like nose, inquisitive glasses, and what appears

to be some kind of take-off on traditional Chinese dress, maybe. He’s also

quite kindly and always cordial and respectful, especially when customers are

around. Although he works in Hyrule Castle Town, he lives in a small house

near Lake Hylia. Townspeople call him Stockwell the well-stocked, how clever.

Stockwell either bears an incredible resemblance to the shopkeeper from the

Oracle saga, or is the same person. In these games he owns the town tool shop

where he sells both common and rare items, and sells the series’s first form

of membership card. Later, he runs a treasure chest mini-game in the

basement, where you are made to choose one of two treasure chests, one of

which is empty; if you choose correctly three times in a row, you win a rare

something, usually a ring. Following this, you can either keep what you won

(without really knowing what it is, since it hasn’t been appraised yet) or

wager it double-or-nothing style for a shot at a better prize.

=============================================================================

S t u r g e o n a n d O r c a

Super Sword Bros

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The Minish Cap

You might not think it by looking at them, but in their younger days Sturgeon

and Orca sailed the bounding main together on a quest to gather Knight’s

Crests. Their goal of gathering ten such items took them many years of hard

work and long hours of careful sword practise. They honed their skills

against each other and then tested them against increasingly stronger

monsters.

In the end, Orca was injured so badly that he was no longer able to fight

properly with a sword. They had accomplished their dream, though, so the two

returned to their home of Outset Island and built a house together. Sturgeon

took the top floor while Orca stayed on the bottom. It is of questionable

wisdom that the less-fit brother is required to climb a ladder to enter his

home, but there you have it.

After coming home, Sturgeon married and had a daughter named Sue-Belle. He

soon became a widower, however. His daughter had moved to Windfall Island but

eventually returns to live with her father, worried about his ailing health.

Sturgeon has an abnormally high IQ and a very large head. He has words of

wisdom posted on his walls, and he is quite happy to impart a little

knowledge to Link if he asks. Sturgeon greatly enjoys standing on his balcony

and looking out to sea, which calms his addled nerves. Alas, he is frequently

interrupted by Orca’s body slamming the wall downstairs, which often ends up

shattering priceless vases.

Orca can no longer fight with a sword, but he still maintains his daily

training with a spear. He once wielded a giant sword (that he now keeps on

his wall), so you know he must have been good – and he is quite willing to

take Link on as his pupil. Every sword technique Link can learn comes from

Orca. When he sees that Link has come so far as to have collected ten

Knight’s Crests of his own, Orca cries tears of unbridled joy. Late in the

game, Link can challenge Orca to a sparring match in which he must hit Orca

999 times before Orca hits him 3 times. If he wins, Orca will say that Link

has surpassed him and will call him Master from then on.

When you win, he has this to say: ‘My arms are sore! Is your left index

finger not sore?’ After twenty minutes of L-Targeting, you bet it was. I

laughed out loud when that happened.

Sturgeon was a librarian in The Minish Cap, I guess because of his love of

all things related to study and the acquisition of knowledge. He balances

books on his head.

=============================================================================

S u e - B e l l e

Filial obligation and all

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Sue-Belle is the pinkclad, purple-haired girl on Outset Island who walks

around with the vase on her head. I’ve heard both that she is Sturgeon’s

granddaughter and her daughter; the former is more likely, the latter more

interesting. Either way, she formerly lived on Windfall Island - which is

where she met her best friend, Linda, to whom she gave the girl her signature

orange dress, perhaps as a parting gift – before moving in with Sturgeon to

see to his declining health. As such, she spends every second of her spare

time carrying fresh water from the trough to the house, a task she supposedly

gets a great deal of satisfaction from, which is more than a little weird of

her. If you manage to break her vase, by, say, shooting it, she’ll scream at

you and force you to compensate her for the cost, which is not weird of her.

=============================================================================

T e a c h e r

Tiichaa

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Spirit Tracks

Princess Zelda’s elderly personal tutor and a minor administrator, Teacher’s

main role is as ceremonial figurehead and go-to guy for any miscellaneous

official duties that need attending to. Despite the nonexistent glamour of

his work, however, he actually manages to show a little initiative. After

having gotten over his paralysing shock following Zelda’s apparent

disappearance and subsequently refusing to believe Link’s possession

explanation, he contemplates deploying the Royal Guard to search for her (but

decides against it due to the panic it would cause), proving that he has both

authority and enterprise. A little later on, he goes as far as to disguise

himself - badly, as his large nose and oversized spectacles give him away at

once - and attempt to look for the Princess himself. Despite Zelda’s

protests, Link gives him a lift to whatever random place Teacher decides she

might inexplicably be, and receives a small reward for his help, the highest

one being 300 Rupees for a flawlessly smooth ride. His assurance that he has

some money he can give you in exchange for your services implies that he’s

actually looking for Zelda on his own paycheque, further evidence that he’s

an all-around good, reliable guy. Sometime after your delivery, you can

actually find him somewhere else, showing that he managed to catch a lift

with someone else as well, yet more proof of his resourcefulness. Although a

little inept and somewhat absentminded, it’s clear that Teacher does a little

more than draw picture of flowers on his notepad all day.

=============================================================================

T e l m a

Busty barmaid

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

This kind, middle-aged lady runs Telma’s Bar in South Castle Town. Link

doesn’t go there for the food or even the booze, though. In reality, the bar

is really just a front for a secret resistance movement opposing the evil

influence that has spread across Hyrule. There’s even a secret underground

passage between the bar and the Hyrule Castle sewers. The number of active

members is quite small, but they do their best.

Telma – Telma runs the movement; I guess you could say she acts as controller

for the operatives. She also takes in Ilia when she finds her stumbling

around in an amnesiac state. She also briefly cares for Prince Ralis when he

collapses in front of her bar. When Link escorts Ralis and Ilia to Kakariko,

Telma drives the wagon, keeping her cool even under pressure.

Auru – Auru studies the desert from the safe distance of Lake Hylia. When

Link confronts him, we find out he’s an old friend of Fyer, who agrees to

fire Link into the desert from his special cannon. This allows him to enter

the ancient prison, the Arbiter’s Grounds.

Ashei – A young woman who is a good friend to the Zora people, Ashei

investigates when a yeti starts rampaging through their territory. She helps

Link figure out that he needs to learn the Reekfish scent, allowing him

access to Snowpeak Ruins.

Rusl – Link’s sword instructor from Ordon Village, husband of Uli and father

of Colin. He takes a beating when the Bokoblin gang raids the village, but

begins scouring Hyrule for the children as soon as he’s recovered. We don’t

see him again until much later, when he summons a Golden Cucco to help us

reach the Temple of Time.

Shad - A seriously devoted scholar who studies the ancient Sky People (or as

we know them, the Oocca.) He is responsible for us restoring power to the

Dominion Rod and thus finding the giant cannon necessary to get us to the

City in the Sky.

These four finally show up all in the same place – Telma’s Bar, at their

usual spot – towards the end, and halfway through the Hyrule Castle dungeon

they save us the trouble of what would have been a moderately difficult

fight.

Unbeknownst to Telma, her cat Louise is also a member of the movement.

=============================================================================

T e t r a ’ s C r e w

Scurvy sea dogs

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Phantom Hourglass

Spirit Tracks

Tetra and her pirates sail all across the Great Sea in search of treasure,

romance, and adventure. Every crewmember is assigned a specific task and

perfects it. Together, the crew works like a somewhat well oiled machine.

Tetra – Technically the captain, the pirates address her as Miss. Their last

Miss, Tetra’s mother, died young, which is how Tetra became Miss at only

twelve. Though not aware of her true identity until later, Tetra still knows

much of the lore of Hyrule, and she searches constantly for the shards of the

Triforce. Her mother left her a magical gem that she gives Link to

communicate with him, temporarily functioning as that game’s Navi; King of

Red Lions took over after the Forsaken Fortress mission, able to use it since

he too is of the Hylian Royal Family.

Hylian Royal Family? Yeah, she’s actually Princess Zelda. Read more about her

in that profile if you so fancy. (Her PH info is located there, too. Lazy

though it may be, I try to cut down on redundancy where I can.)

Gonzo – A big burly guy who says his favourite thing is Miss Tetra, Gonzo is

her second-in-command and takes over for her when she’s not around. He’s the

one with the green shirt and tattoo. He is responsible for keeping the crew

coordinated.

Senza – Or maybe that’s Senza’s job, in addition to negotiating. He’s the one

with the beard and copious chest hair. His persuasive skills are said to be

unmatched, and he is the crew’s mild-mannered, de facto diplomat.

Nudge – The guy wearing the purple shirt, Nudge is the strongest of the

pirates and the one who understands Tetra the best. He operates the ship’s

cannon (cannon, in the plural.)

Zuko – The telescope-toting lookout spends most of his time in the Crow’s

Nest, shouting out what he sees to whoever’s on bridge. Unfortunately, they

have a hard time understanding him, to their occasional detriment.

Mako – Resembling Professor Ouyama from the Mario series, Mako is a walking

encyclopaedia. He always carries around a thick Book of Stuff, in which he

actually hides a knife. He’s quite deceptive, unstoppable when mad and has

sharp eyesight due to his glasses.

Niko – As the youngest and newest member of the crew, Niko gets stuck with

all the jobs nobody else wants to do, much to his chagrin. Still, he shows

pirate potential if he can curb his reckless nature. He runs a rope-swinging

game below decks.

Oddly, only Niko is seen in Phantom Hourglass, and only in the intro, when he

recaps TWW for us. Weirdly enough, he is then further seen in Spirit Tracks,

where he recaps events that nobody ever witnessed because they’re backstory

rather than merely another game, and which took place sometime after PH’s end

- 100 years prior to the beginning of ST! As the only surviving character

from the TWW-PH era besides Beedle (...), Niko subsequently becomes a fairly

important minor character herein, almost to the point of deserving his own

profile. Almost. He also hands out one of the game’s cooler side-quests,

which has you travelling the lands collecting stamps for him (a possible

throwback to Tetra’s Trackers, funny enough). After you’ve collected a few,

he’ll reward you with TWW Link’s shield, your own Engineer’s Clothes that you

had at the start of the game, and, finally, the Great Spin Attack.

=============================================================================

T i n g l e

General annoyance

Race: Hylian, despite his best efforts

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Wind Waker

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

Mogitate Chinkuru no Barairo Rupiirando

Chinkuru no Baruun Faito

Irozuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu

To be honest, I’m having trouble figuring out what to say about Tingle. I

probably shouldn’t spend any more time on him than I have to, considering

that so many people hate him on principle. Ok, let’s try: He’s a 35-year-old

man who is obsessed with collecting Rupees and lives under the belief that he

is a fairy. He wears an odd green suit and is tiny. His father, the guy who

runs the Pictograph Contest in Southern Swamp, really wishes he would act his

age. You will also note that though he originated in a parallel universe, he

has hopped the gap to ‘real’ Hyrule, and has transcended time by appearing in

games that are hundreds of years apart from one another (though neither of

these last two traits are unique to Tingle, because all Zelda stories are

more or less self-contained, except the direct sequels.)

In Majora’s Mask, he is often found drawing maps from a high vantage point –

by which I mean he inflates a big red balloon, affixes it to his back, and

floats high into the air, waiting for someone to knock him down so he can

sell his wares. This was where he introduced his magic words: ‘Tingle!

Tingle! Kooloo-limpah!’ If you hadn’t heard of Tingle before you read this

FAQ, I am amazed that you are still reading this profile.

In the Oracle saga, he again waited for people to knock him down, at which

point he would offer up a Quest Item or a map of some sort. He played a more

active role in The Wind Waker, when Link, after rescuing him from the

Windfall Island Prison, could use the Tingle Tuner to summon him. A second

player (or, if you’re like me, the first one) could then control Tingle via a

GBA and GCN-GBA Link Cable. This had a few interesting uses, all of which

cost Rupees, such as dropping Tingle Bombs with tactical precision, hovering

with the Tingle Balloon, buying Potions at a buy-anywhere store or offering

vague hints. The Tingle Tuner was the only way to collect the five statues of

Tingle in various poses, which served no real purpose. Located near the

centre of the Great Sea was Tingle Island, a small island with a tall totem-

pole tower, with Tingle’s head as the top totem. Here, he forced Ankle and

David Jr to do slave labour for him, keeping Tingle Tower in its constant

spinning motion. Tingle’s most important task was to decipher the Triforce

Charts in exchange for outrageous amounts of Rupees.

He is much less helpful in Four Swords Adventures. Since Force Gems replaced

Rupees from the original FS, he’s now collecting those, too. The Links

encounter Tingle trapped under a rock under a bridge. After that, any time

they spend too long in one area, a horde of Tingles will swoop in, scoop up

all the unclaimed Force Gems, and even steal a bunch from those unlucky

enough not to find cover.

Lastly, in The Minish Cap he and his three partners in crime wait at the tops

of ledges to fuse Kinstones with Link. Fusing enough Kinstones with all of

them enough times will open up the way to excellent prizes, like the Magic

Boomerang.

Tingle also appeared in his own RPG (of sorts), Mogitate Chinkuru no Bairairo

Rupiirando – that is, Freshly Picked Tingle’s Rose-Coloured Rupee Land by

most translations. Tingle is a fairly popular character in Japan, which is

how he landed this gig. It’s basically his origin story; rather than trying

to make sense of a bundle of bizarreness that amounts to a joke character

anyway, the game doesn’t even bother trying to make much sense. The entire

quest revolves around Tingle’s search for Rupees; while Link could hold an

impressive 10,000 in The Wind Waker, Tingle’s wallet was even bigger. Rupees

are his lifeblood in more ways than one; not only does Tingle die if he runs

out, but everything, everything revolves around managing his fundage. Tingle

is apparently still operating under the belief that if he collects enough

Rupees, Rupiiji will let him into a fairy realm, which explains his obsessive

behaviour in other games.

He also takes the title role in Chinkuru no Baruun Faito or Tinkle’s Balloon

Fight, but I don’t even know if we can count that as being anything at all.

Irozuki Chinkuru no Koi no Baruun Torippu (Ripening Tingle’s Balloon Trip of

Romantic Love by my translation) sees him as a regular, real-world type guy

who gets sucked into his TV, not unlike Wario in Master of Disguise.

Apparently, he was watching The Wizard of Oz, because the game is filled with

references to that incredibly sub-par classic.

By the way, Tingle was intentionally made a little bit in the image of Kondo

Koji, who heads Nintendo’s Sound Division and is responsible for composing

some of the best music in gaming, including Zelda’s.

=============================================================================

T o t t

Tricky Disco

Race: Hylian

Appearances: The Wind Waker

Definitely one of the more stylish characters in the Zeldaverse, Tott dresses

in a white Elvisesque jumpsuit to whose arms he has affixed a number of

trailing tassles, the purpose of which is to increase the visual appeal and

sense of motion when he goes all Saturday Night Fever, something at which he

is going all-out at every hour of the day or night. He can be found on a nice

little extruding stretch of Windfall Island that overlooks the sea, following

the instructions written on a headstone in a desperate attempt to perform the

Song of Passing. What he doesn’t realise is that what he actually needs is

the Wind Waker, not enthusiasm. Bummer. He is only further inspired by Link’s

demonstration of batonmanship, and never does give up trying to give the

world the time of day.

=============================================================================

T r i l l

Homeru ka? Ren wo homeru ka? =^_^=

Race: Parrot

Appearances: Twilight Princess

The final member of the trio of all-in-the-family parrots, Trill is

apparently the beloved pet of (last one left) Coro, with whom he shares a

hairstyle. The Zeldaverse contains a surprising amount of afros, really.

A colourful and streetwise salesman, Trill sets up shop in Ordon Woods just

outside the first dungeon, where he sells Potions and Lantern Oil. The setup

is kind of interesting, as he has you deposit Rupees into a basket at the far

end of his stall, which act gives you credit with which to buy the liquids on

offer. This system naturally makes it very simple to steal from Plumm, since

you can easily swipe some fluid without paying first, but, like the

shopkeeper from Link’s Awakening, Trill will you attack you upon your next

meeting if you try it. Unlike the Mabe Village shopkeeper, however, Trill

offers you an opportunity to redeem yourself: Simply paying up later with a

sincere apology will smooth any ruffled feathers.

Trill also very definitely attacks Bokoblins that near his stall, which is

just plain cool, although mainly he asks Link to take care of the mob, and is

suitably impressed when he does. However, he also harbours a secret pain,

believing that he didn’t get enough praise growing up, and that it still

affects him to this day.

And, it has to be said, Trill and Plumm share the consonant-consonant-vowel-

doubleconsonsant schwerve. Mhmm, schwerve! I had to make that sentence less

inane SOMEHOW.

=============================================================================

U l i

4chan’s sweetheart

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

An Ordon Village belle, Uli is an extremely loving and supportive young wife

and mother. I realise that anybody whose husband was injured in battle would

doubtlessly tend to his wounds with all the dedication they had in them, but

that doesn’t make her tender bedside care any less sweet following Rusl’s

valiant attempt to chase off King Bulblin and his lackeys. In fact, it may

well have been that her fatal kindness caused her to coddle Colin, resulting

in his present introversion and lack of self-confidence. She has another

child as well, a baby girl, who is kidnapped by a monkey a few minutes prior

to the game, with many animals in Hyrule and its surrounding areas being

upset by the sudden twilight-fuelled imbalance and Zant’s dark doings; Link

manages to recover the cradle and return her charge to her. She spends the

entire game preggo, ultimately giving birth to her third child in the end

credits (which is not to say that there were ever opening credits.)

=============================================================================

V a a t i

Sorcerer of Winds

Race: Minish

Appearances: Four Swords

Four Swords Adventures

The Minish Cap

Next to music and time, winds is the most commonly used theme of the Zelda

series. There’s even an entire major enemy thereof. That’s Vaati, and he’s a

pretty interesting character.

He started out, so long ago, as one of the Minish, tiny creatures who

migrated to Hyrule from elsewhere and now assist the Hylians in their daily

lives. One of the Minish’s greatest sages was called Ezlo, and Vaati was his

apprentice. A quick study, Vaati soon learned almost everything Ezlo knew,

and soon started research of his own. Over time, he learned some of the lore

of the Light Force, and the infinite power it offered to anyone who could

find it. He turned on his master, transforming him into a hat, and took

Hylian form.

The prize for winning the sword-fighting competition at the Picori Festival

was to touch an ancient treasure from Hyrule’s past, a great honour. It was a

treasure chest sealed with a blade, but instead of just laying hands on it,

Vaati opened it. This unleashed all manner of lesser monsters on Hyrule, but

Vaati didn’t find what he was looking for. He turned Princess Zelda to stone,

rightly fearing her lineage, and proceeded to incapacitate most of those who

could oppose him.

He later turned Zelda back to normal, realising that he needed to sacrifice

her to gain the Light Force that had been stored in her body. He had made

several other critical miscalculations, however, the greatest of which was to

let Link live. The two did battle, and though Vaati used what Light Force he

had been able to extract to transform himself, Link and the power of the Four

Sword vanquished him.

Vaati later appeared in the two multiplayer Zelda games, FS and FSA. In both

instances, the players were required to work together to defeat him,

attacking in tandem and with colour-appropriate responses. And in both

instances, he once again stressed out Zelda, but by kidnapping in these cases

(just to keep life fresh, I guess.) It’s uncertain if Vaati will return in

the future, but it’s a good bet, especially if that Four Swords DS ever

materialises.

=============================================================================

V a l o o

Sky Spirit

Race: Dragon

Appearances: The Wind Waker

The patron deity of the Rito tribe, Valoo is a giant red dragon who protects

Dragon Roost Island from atop its peak. He speaks only in Hylian, one of a

handful of characters who know the language, so only his attendant Medli has

any clue what he’s saying. When Link first comes to the island, Valoo is

acting violently due to Gohma torturing his tail. He becomes much more light-

hearted after that. When Link and Tetra travel to the top of Forsaken

Fortress and confront Ganondorf, it’s Valoo, Komali and Quill who whisk them

to safety.

It’s possible that Valoo is actually Volvagia, the boss from Ocarina of

Time’s Fire Temple. I really, really doubt that, but there is some evidence

to support it, such as that they both have names that start with V (and Jabu-

Jabu changed his name to the somewhat dissimilar Jabun), both are big red

dragons, both live on Death Mountain, and Valoo’s ability to speak Hylian

suggests he comes from the Ocarina era. On the other hand, Volvagia died.

Plus, he was evil, while Valoo is benevolent. I guess resurrection and

character development are possible, but it’s a stretch. Now, distant

predecessor I’d be a little more willing to believe.

=============================================================================

V a s u

Ringmaster

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Oracle of Seasons

Oracle of Ages

The Oracle saga features magical rings that Link can wear for various

effects, like slowly restoring his hearts automatically, decreasing the

damage taken from spikes or giving him a powerful punching attack. However,

he can only carry a limited number, and they all have to be appraised before

they can be used, so Vasu steps into this role. The Indian stereotype

facilitates all the services associated with rings, and his two pet snakes

can even transfer rings from one game to another.

=============================================================================

V i s c e n

Easily distracted

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Majora’s Mask

Clock Town’s Captain of the Guard, Viscen commands the troop of soldiers

(identical to the Hylian Royal Guard of Ocarina of Time’s Hyrule) who

ostensibly defend the town, but mainly function to keep youngsters from

leaving. He spends literally all his time in the Mayor’s office, arguing with

the foreman about what to do about the impending colony drop event. No wait,

I mean lunar planetfall. Viscen advocates evacuation to Romani Ranch while

the foreman believes that the Carnival of Time must go on and that the so-

called Captain of the Guard is a sissy for wanting to run and hide. The sane

guy does manage to organize an evacuation, not that it’s going to help any

since the moon is set to destroy the entire country.

=============================================================================

W h e a t o n a n d P i t a

Bread-baking breadwinners

Race: Hylians

Appearances: The Minish Cap

A married couple living in Hyrule Castle Town, Wheaton and Pita own the local

bakery. As their punny names would suggest, the store specialises in an

assortment of breads. Wheaton Keaton, a man of genious sonority when it comes

to the art of baking, notices that Hyrule is one of the only countries in the

world without its own unique type of bread, and, seeing no choice but to make

it, embarks on an epic journey of food science and self-discovery. Along the

way, he meets like-minded enthusiasts who join him in championship-style

baking tournaments and other zany antics, has encounters with legends of the

industry who either nurture him or will one day be forced to acknowledge him,

and perfects his craft by making both new breads and incredibly witty puns,

all while fending off the machinations of a rival company that wishes to bury

him. Pita is the frontwoman for the store who manages the business and hypes

its products, which is an equally important function. I suspect that some

kind of internal power struggle went on while she was in high school or

thereabouts, with one of her family’s patriarchs vetting her for the position

of new owner while another threw his support behind her evil older sister,

but she eventually won out. Either way, she surely has a strong love for

bread and a great deal of talent of her own, making Wheaton and Pita a real

power couple.

=============================================================================

W i n d F i s h

Space whale

Race: Wind Fish

Appearances: Link’s Awakening

The Wind Fish is in name only, for it is neither.

Both official and in-game art depict the Wind Fish as a huge (there are way

too few synonyms for ‘big’) whale with swan wings. Its physical appearance

isn’t very important, though, because Link doesn’t actually encounter it

until the end of the game. In fact, his entire quest revolves around

collecting the eight Instruments of the Sirens so he can climb Mt Tamaranch

and play the Ballad of the Wind Fish, cracking open the spotted egg in which

the creature supposedly slumbers.

Around the sixth dungeon, it becomes clear that Koholint Island is not real.

It’s only a dream, but I don’t believe it’s the Wind Fish’s dream so much as

it’s a dream that it and Link are dreaming together. Either way, waking the

Wind Fish wakes them both, ending the illusion. Link, floating on his raft in

the middle of the ocean, looks skywards and sees the Wind Fish soaring off

into the distance. And that’s all we ever learn about it.

=============================================================================

Y e t o a n d Y e t a

Abominable

Race: Yeti, and, I think, Hylian

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Yeto is definitely a yeti. A sentient, mild-mannered yeti, but a yeti

nonetheless. Yeta is a little more of a puzzler. She appears human, although

her arms are strapped to her sides because of her sweater, and the Zoras call

her a ‘girl,’ and there is some talk like maybe their love would be frowned

upon in some circles. All of this suggests to me that she is actually a

Hylian, despite her being married to a yeti and propensity for poor grammar.

Either way, the couple make their home in the ancient ruins of the Snowpeak

Province mansion. It’s no more than stomping grounds to them, but to Link,

it’s the tricky-to-traverse fifth dungeon. When he arrives on the scene, Yeta

is sick, which is why Yeto has been raiding Zora’s River for soup

ingredients; he means no harm. When Link tracks him down and explains that

he’s looking for a mirror shard, Yeto says to follow him to his house, which

he does – by snowboarding down the hill on a frozen leaf. Quite original.

When they arrive, Yeta says the mirror is locked behind a door that requires

a key. She tries to remember where it is, but at first can only remember the

locations of stored-away soup ingredients. Eventually she remembers the

location of the key, and Link grabs it just in time to see her freshly

revitalized after a dose of Yeto’s soup. She leads him to the tower where the

mirror shard is kept, but as she’s about to hand it over, the evil power of

the Mirror of Twilight overcomes her and she becomes Blizzetta, showcasing

just how dangerous the thing’s sway really is. The windows crash open, a

blizzard begins to rage inside the room, and she starts to assault our hero

with icy spikes of DEATH. Luckily, Link is able to defeat her using his new

Ball and Chain. Yeto enters and the two share a romantic moment as Link takes

the shard and gets outta there. He can return later for further snowboarding

runs, one of which is somewhat frustrating but yields a Heart Piece.

=============================================================================

Z a n t

Augustus Caesar

Race: Twili

Appearances: Twilight Princess

Zant is a bit of an odd duck, to say the least. He writhes and twists

uncontrollably when he speaks on an issue he’s passionate about, he wears a

weird-looking metal helmet with bulbous eyes and tendrils where his mouth

should be, and he is prone to making an incredibly irritating noise that

somehow still manages to be creepy. And when he takes his helmet off, he

looks a little like an insect. You will also note that he wears clothes,

unlike most Twili, and in fact they somewhat resemble Gerudo apparel.

Coincidence?

Unlikely. In fact, the ‘too-long sleeves with tassles’ motif seems to have

been borrowed directly from Ganondorf. Zant studied up on his race’s ancient

history and as he saw it, his people were unjustly imprisoned in the grim

Twilight Realm, and he wanted to take over. With this ancestral right stuck

in his mind, he genuinely believed himself to be the true ruler of the Twili;

only he had the drive and talent to lead them towards the future.

Unfortunately for him, they recognized his greed and rejected him as king,

tossing him out. He desperately looked to the heavens for divine

intervention, but what he got was Ganondorf, which is almost as good but not

good enough. But not knowing this, he saw the effigy of Dorfy’s floating head

and immediately deitified him.

Recognizing in Zant an opportunity to reclaim his previous status, Ganondorf

lent him some of his power. Zant eschewed his race’s old magic in favour of

this much more powerful one, and he set it to good use, transforming Midna,

the actual destined ruler of the Twili, into a twisted, near-powerless imp.

Transforming (robots in disguise) many Twili into his own mindless soldiers,

he marched on Hyrule Castle and overran their outnumbered, overpowered

defences. He confronted Princess Zelda and gave her a choice: Surrender or

die. Since it wasn’t just her own life at stake, but that of her people as

well, Zelda let her sword fall and Zant engulfed about 60% of Hyrule in

Twlight. He also tried to destroy the Mirror of Twilight, the only link the

Goddesses left between Hyrule and the Twilight Realm, but as a false king, he

could not – only Midna could. The best Zant could do was break it into pieces

and fling them to the far corners of the land.

Realising he needed Midna on his side, he tried to lure her over, but she

refused. In fact, she was working with Link to reclaim her proverbial crown.

Ganondorf’s magic easily overpowered the Fused Shadows she’d intended to use

against him, but thanks to Link and Midna’s guerrilla efforts, Zant quickly

found himself backed into a corner. They finally confronted him in the Palace

of Twilight.

A quick note here – the nature of this fight makes me wonder if Zant was

supposed to be the final boss. Ganondorf’s appearance feels just slightly

tacked-on. The length of the Palace suggests a final dungeon setting (notice

Hyrule Castle is very short, too), and furthermore, Zant revisits a number of

boss and mini-boss rooms from earlier in the game. It would be not a bad

recap. Plus, there’s no dungeon item. So possibly the team was getting short

on time and was going to do a 7 + 1 dungeon format instead of the traditional

8 + 1, but added Ganondorf in when they found out they’d have another year to

perfect the game.

Once they defeat Zant, Midna seizes the three Fused Shadows he stole from her

and then uses them against him. Ancient, withered magic? The hand that comes

out of Midna’s hat (which is apparently her hair) plunges into Zant’s chest

and he swells up and pops like an overinflated balloon. He is instantly

reincarnated, though, citing Ganondorf’s protection as his source of

immortality – as long as Ganondorf lives, he will reincarnate Zant again and

again! ...So much for that. Link defeats Ganondorf almost immediately

afterward, and with his last breath, the arch-villain remotely snaps Zant’s

neck.

=============================================================================

Z a u z

Transcendental blacksmith

Race: Hylian

Appearances: Phantom Hourglass

I’m not exactly sure if I can call Zauz a Hylian. I mean first of all, his

ancestors actually hail from the ancient Cobble Kingdom, and second, some

sources say that in The Wind Waker/Phantom Hourglass era Hylians have all but

disappeared and been replace by round-eared humans. So I might be dead wrong

in calling him a Hylian, in which case, bummer.

Irrespective of his racial designation, Zauz’s heritage gives him a

formidable pedigree in regards to the workings of magical artefacts, backed

up by his impressive skills with a hammer and anvil unmatched by almost

anybody but Biggoron, I think. A good friend of the Ocean King and a little

more tapped into current events than are most people in the Zelda universe,

when confronted Zauz is only too happy to contribute his smithing skills to

the cause. He happens to have memorized the schematics for the Phantom Sword,

an ancient design taken from Cobble lore, but he discards the idea almost

immediately as the weapon can only be forged with the three legendary Pure

Metals, and that’s obviously not in the cards. Link, however, is not

dissuaded, and he and Ciela decide on the spot that their only logical course

of action from here is to track the things down.

After a very long difficult time, the group is able to recover the treasures

and deliver them to the startled Zauz, who immediately sets to work.

Labouring tirelessly for several days, Zauz melts down the assembled

heirlooms and forges an indestructible alloy into which he shapes a mighty

blade that would ironically be more of a dagger for any actual warrior of the

Cobble Kingdom, but which suits Link perfectly. He sets the Phantom Hourglass

into its crosspiece, imbuing the blade with all the time-manipulating, world-

altering magic therein. It’s never explained what the hilt is made from, so

we can probably assume it’s just manufactured from mundane material, or maybe

the housing of the Hourglass itself, converted through fey techniques. All in

all, his creation looks suspiciously similar to the Master Sword, displaying

an almost Kirbyesque level of imagination (as in Kirby Kirby Kirby that’s the

name you should know, not Jack Kirby.) After he completes this task, Zauz’s

completely minor, literarily unnecessary role in the story ends, and he goes

back to doing whatever he was doing before Link appeared.

Bearded and shirtless, Zauz looks like a red-headed Irish stereotype if Irish

stereotypes were large instead of average-sized. He wears armbands, which is

a rarity. He also has some interesting purple tattoos of the spiky, swirling

designs commonly seen in Celda skin-art. Oh, and as an anecdote to the first

paragraph, Zauz has pointed Hylian-style ears, as do Link and a number of

other characters, so eat it, naysayers!

=============================================================================

Z e l d a

Princess of Hyrule

Race: Hylian

Appearances: All main-series Zelda games

You may not believe me when I tell you that Zelda appears in all games whose

titles contain her name. Some even say she hardly ever appears in the series.

If you think so, think harder. Due to sheer laziness, instead of actually

describing the character, I am going to systematically demonstrate that she

has, in fact, appeared in every Zelda game. Empiricism has its advantages.

In the first two games, her appearances were admittedly brief, but there. In

the first game she appeared, sleeping, after Link had defeated Ganon. Link

woke her and all was well. She can be seen every time you boot up the game in

Zelda II, in an eternal slumber. She finally wakes at the end, and she

presumably gives Link a kiss (the curtain falls, so we don’t know for sure.)

If you missed her in A Link to the Past, you have never played that game. It

is her telepathic plea that wakes Link in the night and sets the game in

motion. He eventually rescues her and brings her to the Sanctuary, from where

she is later captured. He finally liberates her, permanently, by defeating

Ganon.

Link’s Awakening had Marin, Link’s dream-world interpretation of Zelda.

She had an extensive role in Ocarina of Time, appearing in the opening movie,

the second stage of Link’s quest and then, later, as Sheik. She does a whole

lot more as Sheik than she’s ever done as Zelda, exerting what little

influence she can in her opposition of Ganondorf. Sheik’s act of revealing

herself to be Zelda in disguise is one of the series’ most critical plot

moments, so I hope I didn’t spoil it for you just now. She even plays a role

in the final boss battle, by first leading Link out of the crumbling tower

and then returning the Master Sword to him when it’s knocked out of his

hands. She also holds Ganon down so Link can deal the final blow. Like Link,

she bears several titles throughout the series; she’s the Sage of Time in

this game.

She had nothing but a cameo in Majora’s Mask, but it counts. Link remembers

how Zelda taught him the Song of Time. That song is integral to MM.

In the Oracle saga, players would only get to see her if they completed one

game and started a password-linked game. In the linked game, Impa sent Link

on a necessary but very brief quest to rescue Zelda, essentially by playing

Donkey Kong.

Her role was pretty lame in Four Swords. In a nod to Princess Peach, she gets

kidnapped at the beginning of the game and is rescued in its finale.

Ah, but The Wind Waker! Now that game had her as the sassiest, most badass

character in the entire franchise. She led a merry band of pirates who

looted, pillaged, and were all-around good guys, all this at the age of

twelve. She was awesome, even filling Navi’s role for a short time. A little

more than halfway through the game, she learned her true identity as Princess

Zelda, bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom, and had to be hidden beneath the

waves to keep her from Ganondorf. Despite that, she did end up doing some

heavy lifting in the final boss battle, which I describe in great detail in

Ganondorf’s profile.

In Four Swords Adventures, she doesn’t do a whole lot other than get captured

by Vaati (again) and get rescued later on. Admittedly, she is the leader of a

bunch of maidens, and she also demonstrates the rather interesting ability to

turn into a fairy (as do all the maidens in that game.)

Incidentally, Tetra was going to be part of an FSA multiplayer mode called

Tetra’s Trackers. Western press mistakenly referred to it as a separate game

headed to our shores, but it was cut from the NTSC version, likely because

the glut of Japanese dialogue (!) would have to have been re-recorded, which

is expensive. The mini-game featured the four Links in a race around smallish

arenas trying to collect stamps. Actually, it was one Link and three coloured

Shadow Links, all four of whom were player-controlled. That was the game’s

explanation for having them compete (to prove which one is the genuine Link).

Next up is The Minish Cap. Instead of being kidnapped, she gets turned into

stone, and remains that way until Vaati revives her so he can steal the Light

Force from her. Now that’s interesting – the entire Triforce, the Light Force

in this game, originally resided within Zelda. Once Ganondorf fractured it,

she got only the Triforce of Wisdom. He, naturally, got the Triforce of

Power, and then Link...I guess because he was the legendary hero, that’s why

he got Courage. Kind of interesting, eh?

Then we come to Twilight Princess. Zelda reveals herself within the first

hour or so of play, wearing black robes of mourning (side note – these robes

have the symbol of the Sheikah on them. Now why is that?) You see, she’s

mourning Hyrule – it has all been turned to Twilight under Zant’s wretched

influence, and it’s basically her fault, because she chose surrender over

death. This was the best decision in the long run. When Midna is near death,

Zelda appears to actually sacrifice her own life to keep the Twilight

Princess from slipping beyond the mortal coil. Though her body disappears,

Ganondorf somehow recovers it and possesses it in the final battle. Upon her

(well, Ganondorf’s) defeat, her soul leaves Midna’s body and returns to her

own. That’s the first stage of the battle - Zelda takes a nap in the second,

exhausted after her possession. BUT THEN! I guess the idea of Zelda fighting

was as popular with the developers as it was with me, because in the third

stage of the fight, Link and Zelda both mount Epona; Zelda shoots Light

Arrows to stun Ganondorf so Link can attack with the Master Sword. She is

separated from him for the last round, unfortunately, so she sits that one

out, but it was still really cool to see her strut her stuff again!

In Phantom Hourglass Zelda returns to being fairly useless. She shows herself

in the opening, having resumed Tetra form, only to be kidnapped six seconds

in, due to an act of incredible sheer stupidity on her part, when the Ghost

Ship appears on the scene. Then she spends most of the game turned to stone,

waiting for Link to rescue her. (He does.) Come on, darling, I thought you’d

evolved beyond that.

Finally, she’s kind of impossible to miss in Spirit Tracks. After all, she’s

right by your side from very near the beginning to right up to the end of the

game! At first appearing to you in fleshy form, she soon has her spirit

ripped from her body as the latter is spirited away, which puts her in quite

low spirits for the next little while. However, all it takes is the

revelation that her body has been stolen for use by an evil demon king and a

subsequent (and very humorous) shout of ‘IYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’ to reenergize

her. But in spite of her proclamation that she’ll wait while Link goes off to

fight (‘I understand it’s a sort of tradition in my family’), the local sage

Anjean says the trials he’ll face will be too difficult to face alone, and

Zelda, though initially startled, gathers her courage and accompanies Link

into the inner sanctum of the Tower of Spirits. Shortly thereafter, the two

quite accidentally learn of her new ability to possess the bodies of Phantoms

once they have been stunned; this turns out to be the critical skill in

recovering the dungeon’s treasures, and she assists him thusly on all

following forays, variously providing herself as powerful warrior, invincible

switch-flipper, double agent, carriage and mobile cover. She once again takes

to the field for the final confrontation as well, first half-strangling her

own body as it contains aforementioned demon king Malladus, and then

returning to it after so much time spent away. Following this, she implores

Link to protect her from harm while she gathers her magical power, eventually

unleashing a huge attack that temporarily stuns everybody in the immediate

area. Reviving the unconscious Link, she has him play a special melody on the

Spirit Flute, which summons the six Lokomo guardians for a rising harmony

that causes a weak point to appear on the back of the hideously transformed

fiend. Then, in what is becoming a trend, she takes up the Bow of Light while

Link distracts Malladus, firing whenever she sees an opening. After a few

rounds of this, he goes down, and Link moves in to attack his weak point, the

Rupee-shaped gem on his head. On the third repetition of this process, he

jams the Lokomo Sword into his brain, and seeing him struggle, Zelda rushes

in to help him slaughter Malladus, a level of brutality I never thought she

had in her. The ending is somewhat melancholy, as it pans out of a photo of

her and Link she has sitting on her desk, but then all of a sudden she hears

either the sound of Link’s train whistle or of him outside battling. Either

way she rushes to the window and waves, and in the latter case, she distracts

him just long enough to have him get kicked to the floor; hilarious. This

role was definitely what a lot of fans have been waiting for with the

Princess, and it’s her most popular appearance to date for good reason.