"Te estaba buscando, por la calle gritando, como un loco tomando."

NICKY JAM | EL PERDÓN

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o c t a v i o

When I was twelve, Mama scolded me for kissing my childhood crush during class. My mother, Martina Vitale, had lectured me with her hands even while scrubbing a soapy crockpot. The soap had flown across the room and landed on my forehead.

"Como puedes ser tan impulsivo? Te lo juro que un día te arrepentirás si no cambias ahora!" How can you be so impulsive? I swear that one day you will regret it if you don't change now! Mother wouldn't have been so upset had it been my first time.

It was now 6:43 PM, and once again, I couldn't believe the irrationality of my decisions. Why was I spending my afternoon at Sienna's apartment? Tapping my foot as fast as an eagle batting their wings as my arms rested on her black dining table.

My heart raced on a coffee high as I waited for Sienna to return from her kitchen. I took the opportunity to scope her apartment. It was quaint, with stone walls, floors, and monotonous black furniture and appliances. I attempted to understand how a girl with such a bubbly tone could live in such a dark, lifeless apartment. It only made sense that her personality was a mask to overcompensate for something else, something more ominous in there.

"Do you want sugar in your coffee? Milk?" she asked, her voice as vapid as the atmosphere.

"No, thanks, just black, please," I said. The silence that followed was salvaged by the gurgle of the coffee machine and the twinkle the silver spoon made as she stirred.

Sienna gripped the handle of the mug, her blonde hair hanging over her shoulder. She moved with quick feet as I assumed the heat of the coffee mug was unbearable.

The scent immediately hit my nose, and while grounded coffee beans excited me, I instantly regretted asking for it. My stomach was far too unsettled to be fueled with the bitter beverage again.

The blonde sat in front of me, her seafoam eyes glancing up at me.

"Sienna, what am I doing here?" I finally asked. "I just don't understand what more you need from me."

"Now, I don't understand. You agreed to come here." She shrugged. "Besides, I thought we could hatch a plan."

"A plan?" I held back a laugh. "A plan about what? I don't want to be involved in any of this anymore." I cupped the mug, allowing my palm to absorb the heat like a sponge.

We were silent for a moment, and I maintained a stoic expression. Sienna squinted as though she were trying to crack me, figure out the neurological codes that powered my brain.

"She used to tell me about you," she finally spoke, "About how you were a friend of hers and that she was teaching you English."

Finally, a loud disbelieving cackle erupted from my mouth. "What else do you got for me?" I clapped.

Sienna did not look amused. "That's why I found it quite odd when I met you, and your English was perfect."

"Well, obviously, that was all bullshit."

"Yeah, I thought so," she said through a disheartened sigh. Sienna cast her eyes to the ground. "How could she have been intimate with both of us?"

"I really don't want to talk about that. Not with you," I admitted. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone, as this is not what I'm used to doing. I don't sit down for a beer and talk intimately about my love affairs with my friends.

Nonetheless, my stomach turned.

"She told me she was gay, which now that I think about it was quite unnecessary. I openly told her about my bisexuality, so why couldn't she just say that she was bi too?" Sienna huffed, burying her head in her hands.

"I think you're asking me a lot of questions I don't have the answers to." I took a sip of my coffee. "But, Mariana's a compulsive liar. She doesn't need to excuse to lie, if she wants to do it, then she will. Isn't that obvious? In fact, I think she was just using me as a sexual experiment, and maybe she realized that she's only attracted to girls." I threw my hands up. "It happens. What can you do?"

Sienna pulled a frown, her eyebrows knitting together. "Why are you defending her?"

"I'm not defending her. I'm just tired—exhausted, actually," I grimaced. "And it's true. She was using me for her parents, and maybe she thought that she could be attracted to guys, but she wasn't. I don't blame her for that, but I blame her for having to involve me in her own identity issues. How are you still dating her?"

"She doesn't know that I know," Sienna paused, and her voice lowered. "That would ruin everything."

"What? I don't know anything about your relationship, but isn't it kind of ruined already?"

"Oh, please, that's not what I meant! Do you think I'm dense?" Sienna whipped her head around as if she were trying to find something. "Mariana's going to be here soon, and I need you to stay."

Instantaneously, I shook my head, trying not to scowl. "Yeah, no." I scraped my chair back and stood up, I had had enough. Ripping my jacket off the seat, I headed for the door.

Sienna scampered after me. "Let's hurt her the same way she hurt us." Her voice was almost a sultry whisper, and she looked at me through her lashes.

I snorted. "You've got to be kidding me. I am not sleeping with you."

"Can you imagine her face if she caught us in the act?" She grabbed my arm in desperation.

"You're insane!"

"Oh, don't act like you don't want some form of revenge. Don't lie to yourself," Sienna seethed.

"You are definitely not who I thought you were." At this point, I was standing in her compact foyer, reaching out to grab the door handle when I noticed something strange on the glass table that caught my eye and ceased my tracks. There were frames of Sienna, and what I presumed was her family, but besides that, was a small mosaic dove, the red and yellow Spanish colors shone.

"What is this?" I reached out to grab it with parted lips.

"She gave it to me ages ago." Sienna crossed her arms, the corner of her lip upturned with subtle satisfaction.

We had been six months into our relationship, and Mariana had gone on and on about how much she loved palomas. That night, I had conducted the perfect six-month anniversary plan. Cooped up in my studio, I sculpted that dove and accidentally sliced open my hand with one of the mosaics shards, but I thought it was pretty worth the cut.

"I made her this," I whispered.

A sudden flash of anger spiraled through my bones, poisoning every inch of my flesh. After all the effort I put into that gift, she just gave it away? I was blinded by the side effects of pure and ultimate betrayal. That's when I felt it. I felt the blood pounding into my veins the same way I did when I kissed that girl in seventh grade or when I told my high school girlfriend I didn't love her anymore or when I bought some stocks in college. The impulse.

Suddenly, Sienna wasn't Sienna. She looked like karma, one step closer to satisfying my hunger for payback. My hands found her face as I pressed my lips onto hers. I was stuck in my head. I couldn't taste anything, feel anything other than the need to see Mariana's face. Sienna wrung her arms around my waist, but I spent no time with her lips. Garments dropped to the floor like dead flies as we tumbled backward into her bedroom.

It was as blurry as a smudge. But one I wasn't sure I could erase.

When my vision cleared, I was in a state of shock. I sat on the edge of the bed after having zipped my pants up. With my head in my hands, clawing at my hair, I chewed my lip. A breeze billowed inside from the open window adjacent to me.

Sienna remained in bed, her face emotionless as she wrapped the sheets tightly around her petite frame.

"Fuck." I heaved. Sienna suggested I leave my shirt off for when Mariana walks in, but I didn't know if I had it in me.

"She should be here anytime soon," she said.

Ultimately, we didn't know what to say to each other. If anything, the tension had thickened, and I didn't feel anything other than shit. I was supposed to feel better...why don't I feel better?

Light footsteps treaded from outside the apartment, and my heart spiked.

Sienna's eyes widened, and her face reddened. "She's here!" she whispered urgently, roughing up her hair like a wild animal.

Am I really doing this?

A key jangled into the door, and Siennas eyes urged me to stick with the plan, but dread crashed over me—strangling me and stealing my breath.

"Sienna!" Mariana called with a honeyed tone. There was thud that sounded like a purse landing on something, and more footsteps followed.

A hush of more air flew in, and that's when I saw the steel fire escape.

"Hello!" Mariana persisted with a sigh.

As the footsteps grew closer, my instincts took over, and as soon as I saw even the slightest movement by the door, I gripped my shirt, shoved my feet into my boots, climbed over the bed, and jumped onto the fire escape.

"What the fuck!" I heard Mariana seethe. "What the hell is going on here, Sienna? You have to be fucking kidding me!"

I blocked it all out and focused on my breathing and getting down safely. The adrenaline coursing through my veins left no opportunity to feel the cold.

Mariana was more persistent than I thought. The next thing I knew, I looked up and saw Mariana climbing down behind me. Struggling, but bloodthirsty.

"Stop!" she kept repeating, her voice fueled with rage. "Octavio, don't you fucking try me right now!"

I sped up without so much as breathing.

When I reached the ground after what felt like a millisecond, I hit the pavement. Weaving through the streets like a madman, despite knowing that Mariana had given up as soon as I reached the bottom floor.

I ran because I hoped I would sweat off my mistakes. I ran because I thought I could quickly clear my head. I ran because I couldn't believe myself.

What had I done?