[I can't stop writing Koh-e-Noor, I need some notification reminding me to update this book. I had this written since the last time I posted chapters but forgot to upload.

Enjoy!]

"Azaan, you're hurting me!" I yell and he throws me against the walk-in closet after dragging me the whole way inside the apartment.

"There's a fine line between innocence and stupidity!" He snarls, "And you have crossed it."

The chewing gum in my mouth slips down my throat as I gulp in the knot.

I've never seen the outline of his eyes this red. Or such burning anger in his pupils.

I don't even need to hear the rest of the scolding, he has already hurt me enough to make me want to die. I stop rubbing my arm to soothe the pain the dragging gave me.

My mind goes blank when I see him shouting and I try to calmly push his chest away but to no avail. He's not even in his senses.

I press myself as far away from him as I can but he has me trapped between the closet and himself.

"You're not a fucking kid, Sawera. Learn to fucking behave. I can't follow every single thing you do. It feels like I'm handling a child! Do you even know how worried I was? What if you fell down? Huh?"

I just look at him, and wonder how long it will take him to get angrier and raise his hand at me.

I hear him repeating the question and scream and squeeze my eyes closed when his fist hits on the closet, near my ear.

"I don't know. I felt better."

AND I HAVE THE AUDACITY TO SAY THIS.

WOW, SAWERA.

If I were Azaan, I would have already strangled Sawera.

"Of course. You enjoy giving me tension. Dadi ammi's got forty-eight fucking hours to live but that's not enough of a worry. YOU had to climb on skyscrapers and walk on their edges without any type of safety gear and that too with that imbecile Abeer who wouldn't take a minute to push you off there just like the cats he throws from terraces and laughs at."

I feel so guilty, so pathetic. Why would I do that? "I'm sorry." A sorry isn't going to fix anything, boofhead.

I'm the imbecile.

He shakes his head, "You... really, amaze me." He moves back and maunders around. "Abeer." He mutters with a hateful chuckle before shifting to the other topic, "You don't care about anything except your own enjoyment, your own peace, your own contentment."

I don't need him to continue to know what he's talking about. That day I left from the hospital, sick of bhabhi mourning for her dead piece of blood clot.

But he continues.

"I'm sorry." I wheeze as low as I can. I can't even complain. He's just telling the truth.

He doesn't accept the apology and keeps going on. I can't blame him. But it hurts.

But I deserve it.

I'm too selfish to care about others. I only think about myself and my happiness. I. am. useless. Why would someone want me?

All I do is ruin things, ruin moods, destroy peace, get into others relationships, push myself on people, crave for attention, eat, get fat...

Fuck it all.

I just need a blade on my wrist to end it all.

"I'm not raising a child, Sawera. Please become a bit more responsible."

Oh. Everything but this. I would have managed with anything, but this is too much.

Am I really that annoying?

Of course I am.

Fuck.

~~~

Everything's silent.

But there's no peace here.

Everything, but my mind, is silent.

My head, my mind, it's all too noisy.

My head pounds more with every thought that crosses my mind.

I'm too stupid to become responsible. And all I'm doing by being irresponsible is doubling Azaan's work.

I frustrate my own self so much... I can't even imagine being Azaan.

~~~

How can someone be so fucking worthless? I used to upset papa, mama doesn't want me, bhai pretended to care but never did. And Azaan... He's just bearing me.

I'm of no use. On the contrary, I'm always wasting everyone's time and troubling everyone.

I apply cream on my face but don't move from the vanity.

I tap my cheeks.

I frustrate myself so much.

So much.

I can't bear the thought of being in myself 24/7.

Argh!

I just need to get out of here. Of this body. This mind. This fucking useless person.

I wish I could break the mirror in front of me that shows my ugly swollen eyes but Azaan will hear it and come in and have to clean the broken pieces.

When will I stop being a burden?

Can I just stop breathing?

Can I strangle myself without worrying him?

Or, worrying him, but only once...? Once is better than everyday.

We don't have any ceiling fan.

Even if we had one, you'd break it with all that weight.

I take a pillow and try to block my airways.

I look around and take bobby pins to shut my nose. I hold my mouth up but it opens anyway, and the bobby pin flies out of my nose.

I go to the kitchen and take the film paper roll out of the roll holder.

I raise it up to wrap it around my face but I hear Azaan.

I turn to see him. "Come, let's have dinner."

I don't know if to speak.

I can't even look in his eyes. I'm too ashamed.

"Um... I'm... full?"

I don't hear anything from him and know he's looking at my lowered eyes, so I look up but it only makes it worse because I feel a tear on my cheek.

He wipes it away instantly and I can see in his eyes how upset he still is, "Let's have dinner." He repeats himself and I don't want to act like a child and annoy him so I nod.

"You're not eating." He points out after a while and when I see myself playing with my spoon after filling my stomach with one small portion of my spoon, I am vexed.

He's right. I act like a baby. Why the fuck am I playing with my spoon? How old am I?

And why the fuck did I cry before when it was all my mistake? What he said wasn't even as rude as big of a burden I am.

I slowly take small portions and keep on chewing them until I get tired.

"I'm truly sorry about what I did. I don't know what I was thinking." That doesn't justify it. "I didn't want to worry you."

I do stuff without willing to do it.

"I promise I won't do anything foolish ever again."

You will, because you are a fool.

I feel his eyes on me.

I know he's observing me.

I know he is observing me.

Shit, I look so bad.

"You won't be able to finish that if you keep taking small bites."

I feel sick.

My stomach flips and I suddenly feel like my lips will start quivering if he keeps on looking at me.

He didn't even take my name to address me.

Everything's horrible.

I am horrible.

Fuck this.

I think of taking larger bites but I cannot even try to do so.

Does Azaan really not see that I don't need food?

Right now, I wish I could die.

That's haraam, isn't it?

But why?

I shamelessly gobble a quarter of the plate.

I look at Azaan who's still watching me. I quickly dart my eyes back to my plate. I throw the leftover, put my plate and glass in the dishwasher and go to the washroom to vomit it all out.

I've learnt to puke without making any noise and I'm really grateful for it.

At least there's one thing I can do on my own.

My throat aches but I don't stop until I see blood.

~~~

I open a third pregnancy kit and it shows that I really am pregnant.

I already have a huge belly.

I feel scared about it. I feel anxious.

I go outside and think of how to tell Azaan about it. Before I get any idea, Kylie and Azaan appear out of nowhere and Kylie throws a bunch of stapled papers on my face.

I pick them up and read the first one.

A big font reads DIVORCE PAPERS

I flip to the next paper with tears and see my pictures. Pictures of my body parts. Pictures I don't want to look at. Pictures that make me want to throw up.

"Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? You really thought you'd get the luck to live your whole life with Azaan with that body. Get out of the house futile lass, you'll get the wedding invitation soon."

I hate Kylie.

I fucking hate Kylie.

Azaan loves me.

She's lying.

I walk to Azaan, "I love you, Azaan. And, and," I wipe my tears, "we're pregnant. I know you always wanted a family."

I try to shake Azaan but he's acting like he cannot even see me. "I did want a family, but not with you."

My heart shatters.

"Sawera?" I hear him.

"You can't do this to me." I sob. "I- Think of our- This is our baby."

"Or maybe Abeer's?" He shrugs, giving me a careless look.

"No, how dare you?" I feel the hiccups.

"Sawera? Wake up?"

"I knew this. I knew you'd leave me one day and I gave you a chance. I gave you so many chances.-" I see Azaan right next to me. "You can't leave now. You can't leave us alone."

"Leave who?" He brushes my hair back and wipes my tears away.

"Us. You can't-" I hiccup, and look down at my stomach, "g-go with Kylie anymore."

"Calm down. You're alright. It was just a nightmare. It's okay. It's totally okay." I can barely breathe.

"No it's not okay, why would- Please don't leave me? My parents won't- Th-think of your parents. They'll be so upset. I promise Kylie-"

"Shh- No, no, don't panic Sawera. You're safe now.

"But why now? Why didn't you do it before? How am I going to do this alone?"

I hear him speak in a serene voice and look at how he's embracing me.

I pull myself from him, "Where did she go?"

I realise we are in our room.

But we were in the living room...?

"Where is she?" I ask, not crying anymore but still getting hiccups.

"Who are you talking about?" He's confused. Why is he confused?

"Kylie?"

He closes his eyes for a moment. Is he tired of me?

W-

It was probably a nightmare.

"Wasn't Kylie here?"

"You are worrying yourself unnecessarily. Come here."

I check around and go outside but she's nowhere.

The sun was just shining.

Did a lot of time pass by with me crying or, was...? Was it a nightmare?

It was too vivid to be a nightmare.

"It's 1AM, Sawera. Please, come back here."

A part of me breaks at that annoyed voice of his. I'm reminded of the evening and go back in, quickly.

I can't believe that was a nightmare. It was too real to be just a nightmare.

Ouf.

I'm not a child. This is not a one-sided relationship.

I lie down on my side and he has already shifted on his left.

He takes my right hand and pulls it above him, till it's secure in his hand.

And I tighten my grip as I slide closer. I don't want to lose him.

I thought I could cry, but I can't anymore. He'll feel my sobs.

~~~

I'm not even amazed, unlike Azaan. I am a selfish asshole and this peaceful sleep after putting Azaan in distress is a proof of it.

I open my eyes but my surroundings feel like a dream so I close them again. Only to open them five seconds later to see the same.

I see Azaan, in a serious mood, coming from a passage and I look around at the well lit place.

This looks like a...

Oh.

I see a window next to me and raise the blind, to see exactly what I expected. The sky is below me.

What am I doing on a private jet?

I look at Azaan who pulls the throw pillow from the wide seat in front of me and sits down with a smile.

"Happy belated birthday, darling." He says stretching a hand for me and I put my hand in his, still confused. It all sinks in seconds later but the feeling of his lips makes me tremble, especially after the nightmare I had last night.

My insecurities make me pull back.

I haven't been to the dentist in so long. I haven't brushed my teeth. Even though it doesn't feel bitter or smelly, I most probably have my morning breath because I am disgusting.

I quickly lower my eyes and shut my mouth.

My eyes go on my fat thighs straddling him. I look up and wonder what he must be thinking.

He hands me his handkerchief but I use my hands to wipe my tears away before moving to get off him. He puts his firm hand on one of my thighs, not letting me get off and I don't know what to do anymore.

He pushes his gentle fingers in my hair and tries to kiss me but I can't.

I- That nightmare was enough.

I want the divorce papers now, before it's too late.

But I struggle to say so.

"Azaan." I gulp and forget the rest of the English language.

"Sawera." He imitates me.

I feel my heart shivering as I move his hands away. I sit right next to him because going back to my place will put me in front of his eyes again and I don't need that nervousness right now.

After a while, I ask, "Where are we going?" and my voice is too soft, as if I were all innocent.

I'm not innocent, I'm stupid.

I'm ruining his peace.

But not for long. We are going to end this today.

By the end of today I'll not be in his house anymore. I'll live on the streets but not with him.

It's decided. Don't mess it up, Sawera.

He exhales before turning to me with a cheery mood. "That's a nice question." He whispers in the silent place and tucks my hair behind my ear, then lifts my chin slightly up. "What do you think?"

I feel the bile rising to my throat as I think of how to initiate the topic. "Can we go home, please?"

That was a fucking baby-ish whine, Sawera.

See? I cannot control being irritating.

I want to scream and throw myself around and cry and break everything.

He asks me my dream destination but I feel like throwing up.

"Please. I need to go home." I feel my voice getting lost.

Fuck, I'm going to create a drama now.

I get up. "Where's the restroom?" I ask, gulping my too sweet of a saliva.

"What?" He sounds more worried than confused but guides me to it before I have to repeat myself.

I lock the door and sit near the seat.

I thought he was waiting outside but when I get out, he's nowhere.

I sit back on my seat and look down the window. The clouds look beautiful.

I hear him shouting at someone in the back and I was certainly not in the mood of going anywhere, but now I'm in the mood of nothing but dying.

Shut up, your mood doesn't matter. Just don't act stupid.

Even if I tell him that I want to go back now, it will take hours to go back.

When he comes back to me, so calm as if nothing happened in the back, I raise my eyes but don't manage to gather the guts to say it to him.

"What happened? Are you okay now?" He asks sitting in front of me and I nod then move back to the window.

We both have nothing to talk about.

One can't vibe with another when he loves someone else.

I don't know what to say.

"Can I use your phone?" I ask and he gives it to me with a,

"Yes, of course."

"Thank you." I reach for it but he doesn't let it go.

"Before any other misunderstanding takes place, let me clarify." I leave his phone and listen to him. "I installed Instagram for you. I haven't even learnt to properly use it. And I haven't done much with Snapchat or Twitter either. I also tried to play this candy game you were playing and it was quite relaxing so I finished a few levels."

He stretches his phone to me and I take it.

I don't remember what I wanted his phone for, anymore. Maybe to watch some thinspo to motivate myself, but my hunger vanishes as a thought slides in. I go to the gallery and see nothing. But in the Recently Deleted album, I see what I had expected.

There are snapchats. I don't turn the voice on. It hurts to see how Azaan's paying more attention to Kylie teaching him than he did when I tried to show him all these filters.

I don't know why it hurts more than it has ever. I should be used to it now, and I should have already expected this.

On Instagram, there's no name of business. But he's following Kylie among many other friends.

I go to Google but don't type in anything.

Azaan wants Kylie. He loves Kylie. I can see in his eyes how much he enjoys being with her. He wants this divorce. I'm not doing this for myself. I'm doing this for them.

For once, I need to stop being selfish.

I'm about to say it when he starts speaking. "Remember how you once told me that you wanted to go to Bora Bora in October? Because it's the best time?"

I act selfish. I give more importance to the anxiety rising in me than his happiness.

I nod and he continues.

I hate everything. I hate myself.

~~~

We get out of the private jet and the weather is really nice as we walk to the chopper.

I sleep there and wake up in his arms. I feel embarrassed but only tell him to put me down once, because I don't want to irritate him.

He doesn't and we reach the hotel room, where he lets me walk. He shows me how gorgeous my taste is and I give him a faint smile. I go straight to the giant bed and lie down.

I act asleep to avoid talking but I don't realise when I actually fall asleep.

I wake up to him talking on the phone, "What do you mean? I cannot see her sleeping or crying all the time. She hasn't even looked around. This is her favourite part of the world. All of this needs to end."

A hard, sharp and painful pang of anxiety hits me and I rush to the washroom.

"(...) I understand it's not that easy but it doesn't feel like she's trying."

I try to look around but can't notice anything that's not pretty enough to want me there. I just go to the sink and turn the tap on and cry for hours and hours and hours.

Wastage of time, wastage of water, wastage of food. That's all I am.

~~~

Azaan's sitting on the bed. I slowly make my way to him and he quickly shuts the laptop. "Hey."

"Hey." I sit down. "It's a beautiful place."

"Mhm? You like it?" He asks and I nod.

And I have no other topic for conversation.

I don't want to talk about the divorce papers. It'll annoy him. He doesn't want to divorce me. He wants to use me for his affair.

And I'm totally fine with it.

We just shouldn't be here for me.

We should be back in New York with Kylie.

"It's beautiful, but I don't- I- I enjoy being at home more. In that comfort."

Shut the fuck up.

I promise myself to not talk without rehearsing the sentence in my head.

I stutter so fucking much.

"This place is worth getting out of that comfort. You were right, it really is beautiful in October," He pauses, "Do you want to go sightseeing?"

Does he want to?

Before I can properly nod, his phone rings.

His face goes pale but I decide not to check into his privacy. I just look at how dull it all gets and how his life seems to stop in a second.

He hesitates to raise the phone up and stammers a 'hello?'

His eyes are fixed on the door as he listens.

A tear flicks down but apart of that, there's no sign of crying. He gives me a small smile and walks away.

I can still hear him say some words in Arabic. He listens then continues, "I'm out of the country, (...) I cannot. (...) Yeah, Sawera's with me, don't worry. We'll be back in a week. (...) I... Yes. Okay." He gets out for a while after gesturing me to wait for just a second and I nod and don't hear his voice anymore.

I sit there and can't help but wonder why he's so stressed.

I'm not going to make it worse.

Smile bright.

Bora Bora.

I look around.

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