[Enjoy!]

- S A W E R A -

The door opens and Azaan's eyes spot me in the big room after travelling everywhere.

I watch how good he looks in that neat, impeccably crisp navy-blue suit. He follows my eyes to look down at his three piece clothing and raises them with a raise of an eyebrow. I catch his smirk as my eyes make their journey down on my hands.

"Why are you not wearing that dress?" He asks, walking to the bed. Oh, no. He's walking near the window, to me.

"I don't like it."

"You don't like Bora Bora either, do you?" He asks and I look at him.

The anxiety in me rises.

"Stop stalking me." I request, almost flooding my tongue and voice in my own saliva.

@saweraed
i once showed him a childhood presentation and told him that i was stupid when i was a child and i liked private jets & all these billionaire things bcause everyone used to be jealous of me but that i dont like bora bora anymore & i hate living this "luxurious" dependant life

@saweraed
but all he remembers is that i showed him a presentation that had Bora Bora as my dream destination. bro doesn't even remember the format of the presentation. it was in Spanish, for my Spanish class, a POWER POINT lol.

That part of a conversation with a friend is scrolled letter by letter through my mind and I realize I need to stop with these teenager acts.

"So, choose one; Vienna, Rome, The Greek Islands, Seville, The Turkish Coasts or Mauritius?" He asks.

What? Did he even understand the whole point of the conversation?

Even that didn't remind him of what I told him about these places.

"Um," I try to remember the places he named, "I don't know. Whichever you like- Seville, Spain."

I answer when I catch him looking in my eyes, just the way he did yesterday. As if I had something weird in my eyes. Something unnatural. I turn and look outside the window.

"Cool."

He walks to his side of the bed and stands before the sidetable, texting someone.

He looks at me and I look back at the window.

"Do you want to go out?" His voice is seductive, for no reason.

I shake my head.

I don't like him watching me.

I don't like him watching me.

I don't like him watching me.

I glance at him but he doesn't move his eyes away.

He's watching me, and I don't like it.

Two minutes pass and the bell rings.

I thank God, not knowing that worse is coming. I can now smell it.

I stand there, adamant. I get out into the balcony right as the waiter goes away.

"Sawera, come in!" He shouts.

"I'm not in the mood of breakfast!" I shout back, looking behind.

I see his stiff face and go inside.

"I don't care. I don't want to eat and I'm not going to eat." If I don't eat, he's not going to, either. "Azaan, stop this. I don't need food."

"Everyone needs food."

"I don't. I've been eating a lot these days, very unnecessarily," I add. "Don't baby me if you don't want me to act childish."

"Sit down." He's not in the spirits of being kind.

"No, I-"

"-Sit. down."

"I don't want to go to Seville or any shitty place. I don't want to stay here either. I want to go home!"

"Stop whining."

"I DON'T CARE IF IT ANNOYS YOU. YOU ANNOY ME MORE. You take away my right to privacy, you take away my friends, you don't let me be the way I am, you don't leave me alone, you don't even care about me and then you want me to obey you like a fucking child, which by the way, you don't want me to be either. That's not how a relationship works. You're exactly like my father. Everyone's like him. Damn, every. single. human. being. Everyone's awful. Leave me alone."

Awful.

I used the word awful.

I.

"I am the most awful person I know. If I weren't this ugly, I wouldn't have to-"

"Sssshh. Calm down."

"I wouldn't have to do this." I continue, "Fuck man, I'm annoying to my own self, I don't even want to imagine the people around me. Can I frikin go to hell?" I take heavy steps towards the washroom but he walks to me and grabs my wrist. "Leave me the fuck alone. What you are doing is illegal. I didn't even want to come here. You have taken away my phone. That's abusive behaviour."

He silently offers me an apple.

"No. Stop it."

"But this is healthy."

"I'm fasting! You don't know it, you have ruined my whole schedule. I can't binge for months. Fuck, I want to die."

He yells at me and I startle.

But I'm not going to eat.

I pull my hand away.

"I've listened to you a lot these days. I've broken fasts for you. If you really love me then leave me alone."

Love me.

As if I were even a tiny bit loveable.

I'm so damn awful, I cannot bear it.

"I wasn't serious about it." I say, when I hear him telling me to never talk about death. "If I were serious it would have happened long ago. But if you don't leave me alone I will-"

He stops me from completing the sentence.

He makes me feel guilty, but stops shouting after a sentence or two. But now I already feel like shit.

He gains back his composure and calmly calls me to eat.

I shake my head.

He practically begs me.

I feel ashamed everytime I almost say yes.

How do I not feel full after having a whole meal yesterday?

I wasn't even supposed to binge.

"Please don't do this to me. I feel horrible with every bite. I feel horrible before, after and during every bite. I cannot do this. I hate this."

"Breakfast is important," He doesn't move from his point. "I understand how you feel but it's all in your mind. You are way thinner than normal girls and it's not healthy. You-"

"-Okay."

His eyes snap emotion and now try to investigate how I agreed on it so easily.

I just don't feel like ever talking to him about weight, numbers, food or my feelings. I realise this is the first time I talked to him so openly about it. And I realise this will also be the last.

He doesn't understand me. He doesn't understand anything I say.

It's not his mistake.

I know I suck at communicating.

Had I known how to tell him that food is not good for everyone, he would have understood.

I drink a lot of water. I gobble the whole plate up, without even looking what it was, without even chewing. I have all the intentions to go and throw it up. I drink more water and get up.

I look at his plate and realise he didn't even touch it yet.

I make eye contact for two seconds, in which he keeps a weird look in his eyes for me, then I turn to go but he grabs my arm.

"You're not throwing that up."

"I'm going to brush my teeth, can I please do that, sir?"

"Nope." He pulls me closer. He always wants to do what I do not want to. He makes me self-conscious at the wrong times.

"I'm not going to listen to you, then. Leave me." I try to pull my arm away and he leaves it but only after grabbing my waist. "Fuck you, Azaan. This is not funny to me. Leave me." I look up, "This is not the time." I growl.

I raise my eyes just slightly to look at him and I hate how he's looking at me. I hold his hands that are holding mine behind my back and keep on trying to push them apart but he keeps on looking at me with that look. His hands don't move an inch.

"Please, let me go, Azaan," I plead. "I've given you my phone. You have brought me here against my will. I- LET ME GO!"

I want to hit his chest away, but I cannot.

"I hate you. Let me go."

"Woah- You hate me?"

"I don't hate you but let me go."

"Purging is more important than me?"

"Yes."

He raises his brows, astonished. "Is it?"

"Yes, it is. Let me fucking go."

"Why do you want to look thin?" He asks.

I feel my cheeks heating. "LET ME GO!"

"Only if you answer me."

I start crying. "Let me go, Azaan."

"You don't have to be liked by anyone e-"

"-I don't want to hear you! Let me go, please." I feel like I'm making fun of myself.

"You are beautiful."

I don't want to hit him, but he's not leaving me.

I kiss him. "Let me go?" I ask in the calmest of the voices.

"I love you the way you are. You are perfect. Perfect."

"Let me be the way I am. Please let me go, you're tiring me. Azaan, please." I make all the pleading eyes, puppy faces possible.

I need to go before the food gets digested, or puking becomes harder.

"Let me fucking go right now. You will have to sometime let me go, if you don't right now, then whenever you do I'll not come back. I'll go far away. I'll swim to New Zealand. I'll never come back to you."

He looks really upset, really very upset.

I trigger him more, "I'll get eaten by a shark but never come back." A small hint of smile is displayed. That wasn't supposed to be funny. "I'll straightaway cut my vein or artery or whatever shit I need to-"

He lets go of my waist and pulls my arm up, warning me to not say it again.

"Then let me fucking go. I hate you so much. This is why I don't tell you anything."

I see his semi-blank face trying to analyse this and hope he'll leave me now, but he doesn't.

"I'm never going to talk to you again. I'm never going to tell you anything. I'm never going to go on those stupid-" I forget the name, "th-therapy sessions." Remembering them makes me nervous. "I hate you. I'm never going to do whatever you tell me to."

He seals the distance between us but I push his shoulder away.

"SIT AND FUCKING EAT."

"Mhm, eat what?"

"You're a- I hate you a lot. Go live with that Kylie-"

"-Listen. This is not a funny topic to me. It's not a joke. It's un-"

"-You hate it, right? I hate you trying to control me. Don't do this and I won't say it." I argue.

"Sawera, shut up and sit down." He sits me down and almost lets go of me but seeing my jumpy behaviour, doesn't.

He fixes his eyes on me, "Please try to understand that this is not good for you. I can't allow you to-"

"-Did I ask for your permission?"

"Sawera?" His jaw clenches, "Keep quiet, please?"

"Yea, right. I'm acting like a child now. I'm annoying you, I'm tiring you, you hate me-"

"-It's nothing like that, you're making it all up."

Can he shut up and listen to me for once? "Yea, go on. I'm not allowed to talk, am I? I should be worshipping you, obeying you like a slave. That's what your beliefs are. That's what-" I try to hold the tears in. "I've been trying to pray. I've not prayed in the whole of my life. These days, I've been trying but Allah doesn't even make the effort to remind me. I forget and forget and skip every prayer. I know I haven't always been the best muslim, but He should give me a chance. I was stupid before, now I'm trying but He's not helping. No one understands but I expected Him to understand. I've not committed any major sin for Him to hate me. I don't understand what's wrong with everyone. I don't know if everyone has always hated me or if I'm noticing it now."

He looks at me with an understanding look but I know he doesn't understand any crap spiraling around my head.

And I'm tired of trying to explain but never being able to convey my thoughts.

"Please, let me go for just five minutes and then I'll go wherever you want to." I tell him but he smartly manipulates me into a kiss.

I don't know why I'm so stupid. I don't know why, even when I know myself, and I have been in this situation enough times to know not to act the way I usually do, I make the same mistakes.

I don't know when his hand reaches my chin, but I feel him holding it and inspecting my lips.

His eyes are still inattentively fixed on my lips when he gets up to go away, I quickly stand up on the bed and lean down to kiss him.

Everything suddenly feels just as beautiful as horrible it was just feeling and my vision gets blurry when my brain sends my eyes the message that this is a dream.

I feel happy.

It feels like forever since the last time I felt happy.

"Never cheat on me."

I don't even feel the bright sun's light on myself. I just cover myself with the duvet and it all eventually happens.

The dice rolls from euphoria, to enthusiasm, and finally, ecstasy.

I've not felt this in so long. So, so long.

It makes me cry.

And although I don't mind, Azaan doesn't continue.

Only when he goes away does realisation come in. My heart drowns into panic as I look at myself. I pull on the duvet tighter and roll in it to the other side.

I wonder what he must be thinking.

~~~

He holds my hand close to his heart as we walk into the airport - for the first time, with no servants around. Just us, carrying our luggage by ourselves.

I smile when he kisses my knuckles. I try not to focus on the shape of my hands.

He keeps his eyes on his way as we slowly make it inside.

I kiss his cheek and watch his face, thinking if what I did was alright.

He raises the eyebrow closest to me and one side of his lips, giving me a smug smirk.

I look away, and only raise my eyes when I hear the word 'Economy Class' being used.

My eyes go round at him. "Really?"

He nods just once before pointing his eyes behind me. I turn to look at the passage and he pats my back softly.

"That's..." I want to say something to tell him that I'm grateful, but I don't have anything. "Thank.. you."

I don't know if he doesn't hear it or ignores me, but I don't mind it. I wouldn't respond a person who speaks this slow either.

~~~

Azaan takes my hand and guides me through a small, nearly empty bar, and we enter a train station.

He turns to look at me and I stop gazing around the breezy place to ask him what is happening.

His smile falters as he tries to search something in my eyes, "You... wanted to travel in a train...?"

A bright smile gets painted on my lips, "Yea, how do you know?"

I see his smile crawling back up.

He pulls me closer in the dark, "You're really cute." In his breath, I can smell the black coffee he just had.

I've never smelt or tasted any such food or drink flavour from his lips ever before. He tastes like Azaan. A mint-ish flavour. Maybe the mouthwash... The smell of coffee from his breath makes me vaguely uncomfortable. It's not a familiar experience.

But it soon becomes one. And it starts feeling better than all those nice fresh-breath kisses.

I moderately poke his chest with my index and pull slightly apart, "Don't ever kiss me without having had black coffee before."

He chuckles softly before using his hand beneath my head to pull me back.

The difference in the wind's direction and the sound of train soon drags us out of our world and he looks me in the eyes, "I'm sorry we can't recreate your favourite scene. The doors shut before the train starts."

I giggle, "I never said I wanted to."

"But I know you want to."

"You think you know everything."

"I'm trying to know everything, Sawera."

"Oop, okay, sorry." I put my hand in his after he wears the bag on his shoulder and we run inside the empty compartment.

I look around for people or cameras, but feel my stomach flutter when I see neither.

I straddle him and wrap my arms around his neck. He helps me, and pulls my head down on his shoulder.

His hand on my back pulls my thighs down to touch his and I look at him before hiding my face in his warm neck.

I check his forehead, finding the neck too hot, but he's fine.

He snuggles in my sweater and pulls the hair tie out of my hair.

"Sawera,"

my eyes slowly shut, the way his adam's apple moves is calming, I feel at peace,

"I know you have trust issues, and I understand why."

I draw circles on his nape with my thumb and he strokes my hair once before pulling my head to him, as if I were a baby,

"But trust is the backbone of any relationship; and at this point, without it, we can't make more beautiful, everlasting memories."

I leave small pecks on his neck.

"We need to build trust i- Sawera." He calls my name in a stern manner and I pull back. He didn't like me kissing his jaw.

I hasten to get up but he's faster than me to put his hands on the back of my knees. I put my own above them, knowing that he's touching my weak spot. I'm ticklish there.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to use this tone of voice."

I nod as I reach for his fingertips to pull his fingers up, but his hands are stiff and impossible to move while he justifies the action. "I understand."

"No, you don't. You're not even listening to me." There's a slight anger in his voice and I hate looking in his eyes.

"I do. I'm sorry. I know I make the same mistakes."

I'm a stupid pea-brained wh-

No, don't say that, please.

I hate when Azaan's face is the stern type of blank. "May I know what mistakes you are talking about?"

Fuck. I'm an idiot. Why do I even do this? Why can't I keep my fucking self to myself.

I clench my jaw in frustration as I tug back aggressively, only to almost fall, for his strong hands don't let go of my thighs.

"Do you hear me, Sawera?" He tries to conceal his anger, or disinterest; I don't know.

My anger doesn't vanish and I don't answer, but soon realise how fussy I am. Why is my behaviour so bad whenever I am with him?

"No, I'm sorry, I didn't- I wasn't listening." I say as I try to recall his words.

His hand cups my cheek and pulls me down as he leans.

I close my eyes, but it's only a forehead touch.

Why did I expect more? I don't even deserve this.

"Can you trust me? Please?"

The closeness doesn't let me focus on anything but his words, and I hesitate to answer in a lie.

"I know what's stopping you. The person you're thinking of is fired. Promise me that her name will never be mentioned among us."

"You... said you needed two weeks..."

"It's all sorted now. We don't need that negativity anymore."

I feel his eyes on me but keep my eyes down on his five o'clock shadow.

"I promise I'll never go on any lunch, breakfast, dinner, anything! with her. I won't meet her. I have no friendship, no relation with her, whatsoever."

He pulls just an inch apart to look at me properly and I raise my eyes to meet his but can't hold the eye contact.

"I apologise for never having paid enough attention to notice her terrible behaviour towards you. Forgive me?"

"You don't need to. She was right about me. It's not like I haven't cheated-"

"-No, Sawera. No one has the right to say those words to my wife."

I want to remind him that I wasn't his wife at that time, but I don't have enough courage to interrupt him without crying.

"You're everything to me. Let's promise not ever talking about the person who is now, thankfully, out of our lives."

I nod.

"Use your words. You're not to have any excuses to bring her up again, between us."

"I promise."

I look down at how he's now holding my hands. "And. Whatever you said about yourself in the morning, I don't want to hear any of that ever again."

An awkwardness builds as I remember what I said and spill tears. I didn't do that for sympathy. I shouldn't have said it out loud.

"Hey, I know you're hurting. But you're not alone. You're not going to lose me, Sawera. Even if you want to."

I feel so consoled. It feels like this is all my soul was aching for. "Promise me."

"I promise I won't leave you even if you try to kick me away like Deepika Padukone kicked Shahrukh's ass in her sleep."

I look up at him and smile. "You watched the-? I love-" A small exhale and gasp escapes my lips, "But you don't need to stay."

"I do need to. For myself. You don't know what I feel like when I'm with you. I wish I could make you feel the happiness I go through, but I can't even describe it."

I play with his shirt's buttons as I think. My furrowed eyebrows make him continue.

"Why did I not spend time with you more often?" He hypothesizes the question in my eyes, "Because I was stupid. I didn't know these feelings were more important than work. I'm sorry?"

I feel my lips quivering and hide myself in his neck.

- A Z A A N -

I open my eyes, not feeling the warmth of her. And I'm right. My heart halts for a second when I don't see her here.

I get up, I look around for her.

The train's moving.

How long have I been sleeping for?

I dart my eyes in every corner as I walk. And I spot her sitting on a seat far away.

I yank her arm up, "What the fuck are you doing here? Don't you dare ever leave my sight again."

She shows me a forced little smile. "Trust is... the backbone of any relationship?"

My grip softens, and she slowly pulls her arm out of it.

"You too! need to trust me." She speaks so calmly, in such a mature manner...

Did I overreact?

"But what are you doing here?" I ask, still a bit panicked.

"I was looking around. You fell asleep and I was getting bored... This isn't at all what I thought a train to be like." She intoned, gazing around. "Anyway, I found this notebook. I was testing my Spanish, and I suck at it."

I smile when she laughs.

"Please tell me you learnt Spanish in school, otherwise, we're fucked up."

I take the notebook from her.

"Palwasha told me that you've been to Spain before. I'm sure you used Spanish to talk to your companions, didn't you?" There's a glistening of doubt in her eyes.

"Do you think I'd ever take you to a place where you'd have to worry? It's someone's diary." I flip the pages. "Where did you find this from?"

She points to the seat behind her.

"Well, they have a pretty bad hand writing."

She laughs, "I'd love a storytime. I can't sleep anyway."

- S A W E R A -

The train stops minutes after I've witnessed a rural area. Azaan kisses my hair, whispering that we got to leave. I lift my head from his shoulder to look out of the window.

"Where are we?"

He holds out his hand for me.

He blindfolds me and takes me somewhere.

I trust him and let him lead me.

Trusting isn't hard in these matters. I know he won't take me to any dangerous place. But trusting is hard when I look at myself and he still tells me that he loves me.

We climb up some pebbled stairs, and my hands jump to drag the blindfold down when I hear him speak Spanish. He holds them both back with one hand.

"Sorry," I heave a nervous chuckle, "It- You should have warned me. I didn't know you- h-had an accent. Your voice changed. Um, yea, I'm ready. If that's what you asked."

He opens my blindfold and I blink once to set my eyelashes apart, and look at the gorgeous little door. I step behind to take a look of the houses around and watch how there's no outer separation of bricks between the house in front of me and the houses on it's sides.

I look at Azaan and he lets go of my wrists, but I still feel a bondage. I try to pull my hands to myself but realise that he's tied them with the blindfold.

"Do you like it?" He grins.

"The place is lovely, but I see what you're up to." I turn to look at the forest green metal door.

I trace my eyes down to the pebbled step of stairs we are standing at, then look at the beautiful plants at both ends of every step.

I look all the way down and notice how we have climbed many wide stairs. There seems to be a very nice view down there and I want to go, but then I look up and see many more unending stairs and I want to go explore that part.

He casually smacks my bottom as he walks by me to open the door and I curse him under my breath.

He meets my eyes, "No you, heart emoji"

"What the fuck," I laugh, "you can't use that in a real life conversation, Azaan."

He pushes the door open, "Well, I just did."

I gasp.

The house is magnificent.

I walk to the dim light bulb hanging down the ceiling of the small hall and reach a small breakfast table in a small room.

I look at the wooden furniture.

"There could be rats here." I exclaim in a whisper.

"Mhm."

"And cockroaches..." I think of the terrifying view we could get in the kitchen as I walk inside.

It's such a tiny place. So filmy.

"I love this." I walk inside it and look out to the street we came from, from the window.

"That makes me happy."

"What time is it? Are we supposed to wake up? Because I don't want to sleep."

I hear silence and look behind to see his eyes twinkling with the moon's light.

"And what do you want to do?" He pulls my hands to him till I'm close enough for an eskimo kiss.

I've not been so gleeful in months.

"Let's go for a walk?" I suggest in an excited tone of voice and hear him snarl in disappointment.

Ow.

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