- A Z A A N -

"Sawera, jaanum, get up. It's okay if you don't want to go to work, but wake up for breakfast? Please?" I coo while tying my tie.

She lifts her head, pushing herself back using her shoulders, and looks at me through the mirror, "Of course it is okay if I don't go to work, you have cameras all around the house, it doesn't matter if I'm not with you."

"That reminds me, you better take your phone with you when you go out."

She groans and falls back, muttering words only she can understand.

I take my wrist watch and rub the crown of her head before leaving with my coat.

I get to the office and get some urgent work quickly done. Apart of that, no job gets settled.

Anytime I try to focus on something, my mind goes back to Sawera.

Never, after having heard her disordered thoughts did I ever imagine getting my Sawera back. It seemed nearly impossible. I thought everything was over.

These days she's doing so much better, it feels like nothing ever went wrong. I see the Sawera from twelve months ago in her eyes.

The other day we sat down on the floor right next to the bed and read a book together.

The Power of Habit is now one of my favorite books, and that's not because of the argument.

I didn't even realize when I closed all work tabs and played her on the screen.

She's still sleeping,

I pick my phone,

"Azaan you scared the fuck out of me, what's this ringtone and when did you get the landline fixed?"

"Yea, I saw you jump out of bed. It was funny."

"Of course it was. That's all the funny you get when you have that sick sense of humor."

I smile at that.

"Ok, what?" She asks,

"What?"

"What did you call for?"

"I miss you."

There's a moment of silence before she speaks, "No, you only miss work," seconds of silence later, she asks, "Wait, really?"

And I nod, stupid in love.

"Entertain me, then." She lies down on the sofa.

"No, I really miss you."

"I can't do anything about it Azaan. I literally ran to the living room because of this stupid landline's noise and God, my legs... I swear I hate you. You-"

"-No, it's your mistake you chose to wear that. And Lindsay's right behind you, shut up."

She lifts her head to glance at the kitchen and waves a hello to Lindsay, then looks in the camera while speaking over the phone, "You shut up, I was trying it on, you entered the room without knocking."

"Okay, I'm sorry."

"Yea, keep on missing me. That's your punishment."

I raise my brow, "Really?"

"Mhm"

"And when are we going to punish you for not letting me concentrate? I have a meeting in half an hour and zero preparation for it."

"Ah, your bad."

"I guess I'm going to spend the rest of the day googling tutorials on how to not miss your wife."

"No, no, no. That's a nice thing. You're supposed to miss me. That's how I know you're madly in love with me," she says, "make it a habit actually. They say it takes twenty-one days to build a habit? Miss me for twenty-one days because I'm not waking up at seven and going to work with you everyday forever."

"Why not?"

"Bruh, the day we have children I'm-"

Surprising.

After a span of awkward silence, she breaks the ice, "When did you get the landline fixed? It's fun talking on the phone while lying down on the couch like the 90's Bollywood."

I laugh, "Two days ago, when you went to Starbucks,"

Two seconds of silence later, she questions, "Azaan? How would you know that?"

Shit.

"Know what?"

"That I went to Starbucks. Did you follow me?"

"Where else can one find you? And you had that coffee scent all over you."

"No, I brushed before going to bed-"

"-Sawera, I was getting the landline fixed."

Lindsay, the constant appointments to a psychiatrist, the driver, the guard, the CCTV and the trackers in her phone and her locket that she doesn't even know about yet.

I know it's suffocating. It's like we are in a constant competition of who is more possessive. But she is still suffering from symptoms of that one mental illness that has the highest rates of suicide. How am I not to worry?

"Anyway, tell me what you're going to wear today when I come back," I lean back on the chair.

"Huh? Azaan you ruined it. I bought three of them, now it's- ugh. You don't know how I planned it, like I broke it down to three steps, the kinda modest, the somewhere in the middle and the one that you saw me in. Now I don't know."

"The malls are open,"

"Yea and I'm not taking the driver or any guard to the mall with me."

"Mhm, even if you wear what you wore yesterday, I'd still be just as excited to come home."

"No."

"No for real, you can still do it better. A ponytail, a blindfold, a pair of handcuffs, a-"

"Shut up Azaan or I'm going to cut the call."

"Yea, it's time for the meeting anyway. I need to crack this deal by tit or by tat, it-"

"It can bring the biggest change yet in our company, isn't it?"

"Yea, and that's why I need to get going."

"Really? Okay,"

she clears her throat and I hold my head, knowing what's coming up,

"Sattar minute- no wait, how long is it?"

"Ninety,"

"Nave minute. Nave minute hain tumhaare paas. Shaayad tumhaari zindagi ke sab se khaas nave minute. Aaj tum achha khelo ya buraa, yeh nave minute tumhain zindagi bhar yaad rahein ge. Toh kaise khelna hai, aaj main tumhain nahin bataaun gi, bas itna kahoon gi, ke jaao aur yehi nave minute jee bhar kar khel lo, kyun ke iss ke baad aane waali zindagi mein chaahe kuchh sahi ho yaa naa ho chaahe kuchh rahe yaa naa rahe tum haaro ya jeeto lekin yeh nave minute tum se koyi nahin chheen sakta, koyi nahin. Toh maine socha ki, iss match mein kaise khelna hai aaj main tumhain nahin bataaun gi balke tum mujhe bataao ge, khel kar. Kyun ke main jaanti hoon, ke agar yeh nave minute iss team ka har player apni zindagi ki sab se barhiya hockey khel gaya tou yeh nave minute khuda bhi tum se waapis nahin maang sakta. Toh jaao, jaao aur apne aap se, iss zindagi se, khuda se aur har uss insaan se jis ne tumhain- tum par bharosa nahin kiya, apne nave minute chheeno."

"It made more sense the last time you said it,"

"Yea, I was creative back then, now I don't feel like wasting neurons in changing the hockey and team ka player part for other words, anyway, mwah Azaan, go get it. Allah Haafiz."

"Allah Haafiz,"

~~~

I finish the last file and look at the clock, 5:50PM.

Right as I sigh and lean on the chair, Amabella's voice comes over the intercom, "You've got a visitor here, sir. A lady in her mid-twenties called Kylie. She says you know her."

Of course, I do.

I pick the phone up, "Tell her to leave in five seconds and let the security guards up if need be."

There surely won't be need of it, I know her very well.

I met her in college. We were studying the same and she was quite smart, always outdid the expected, but never dreamt big. I know she could start a business and compete very well in the market, even now, she can still get a job in a good company but she has chosen not to.

I know it hurt her after that. Maybe she thought of it and misses what she had, but I'm sure she has not realized her mistake.

She has always been this way. She didn't even like me at first. She hates and has always hated people with power. I knew it had to do with her childhood experiences and I understood it until what happened with Sawera.

Since we had bonded well, -although after long- My understanding was that she'd automatically be okay with my wife. I didn't know she was going to misbehave with Sawera.

The discourtesy and impertinence are in her nature but I hadn't expected such treachery in friendship from her.

I take my coat and messenger and leave.

Only to reach home to Sawera looking prettier than ever.

Her nose pin is to die for.

The purple gown with light pinks, violets and browns here and there, it looks phenomenal on her.

"Azaan, learn to knock on the door,"

"What's this for?"

Her beautiful face etches in confusion, "The dinner party?"

Oh, "You heard that?"

"Yea, I heard you telling your friend that you'd try. And since you're home early, we are going."

"You didn't know I was coming home early," I walk to the closet,

"I knew you would, you said you were missing me. I prayed you would," she flicks the mascara one last time and fixes her nose pin before looking at herself.

The light in her eyes faltering at that short glance is the reason I don't want to go.

"I did come early because I was missing you. And that's why we should go somewhere else, where there's only you and me,"

She looks up at me, and today I'm falling in love with even that light makeup she's wearing. She just looks so lovely, I'll never be able to get over this honeymoon phase.

"and that nose pin of yours," I add.

She laughs, "No, you've not been to a party in years! Everyone will call you a freak,"

The locket compliments her nose pin very well.

"I don't care what the world thinks about me. Let's go to a lake,"

"I've already dressed up,"

"Yea and you look like that princess in that Disney movie you showed me-"

"-Aaaaaaaaa, you got it!" She squeals, "Tangled, right? I literally tried so hard, like in the beginning I put this eyeshadow," she picks some eyeshadow and I nod at it as if I understand what she's saying, "but then it didn't match and I was so upset because I thought it was the eyeliner that wasn't working well with it,"

She keeps on ranting while I toss my watch off and turn the TV on, I mute it and listen to her while I walk to the closet to pick the suit she has hanged on the hook.

She really thought to it throughly.

"So what I'm saying is that we should recreate that lake scene,"

"Lake scene? It's the lantern scene, Azaan how uncultured do you have to be to call it the lake scene-"

"-Do you want to go with me or not?"

"No, I wanna go to the party,"

"Okay,"

"Also, wow, you paid attention. We watched that movie around a year ago."

"Sawera you look really pretty, I don't want any nazar on you. Let's go spend the night somewhere in the woods. We'll take amazing pictures, make our friends jealous and whatever else you say."

"Do I wear peeptoe wedges or peeptoe platforms?"

I get out and look at her "Whatever you like, but think of it twice, I don't think we really want to go-the ones on the left." I quickly utter after I understand why she seems to start getting mad.

She purposely chooses the ones on the right, then goes by my side to put the other heels back.

"Can I get your phone?" she asks.

I give it to her and go freshen up and change.

~~~

When I get out I hear different voices coming from the living room and go there to see who Sawera's laughing to.

Rehan and Ramsha.

Here I'm trying to make it our night and she's inviting more people.

She purposely makes her smile fade away after seeing me, "Okay, so I'll see you later Rehan," she gives him a soft smile, then looks at me and nods me a bye before leaving with Ramsha.

"What's rolling?" I ask Rehan once they're out.

"She's upset with you, that's all I know."

"What? And you let her go?"

"Yea, I mean I couldn't say no to Ramsha,"

~~~

I watch her see me walk in the party, and she moves her eyes away as she talks to an old rival.

She doesn't even know who that douchebag is, what is she even talking about? I'm sure he knows who she is.

Before I can go to her, Mr. Adams discerns me.

~~~

After a good game of hide and seek from her part, I excuse myself when I catch her on a sofa in the corner, getting bored.

I roll my eyes when she sighs watching the people all around the assembly room.

"Bored," I ask, making my way to her.

"Sssh!" she opens her eyes wide, "that's so rude!"

"Don't worry, everyone's bored here." I sit on the other end of the sofa.

She eyes me, slightly mad, "Why are you here?"

"Sawera what? What did I do to you now?"

She watches me for a while, contemplating something then leaves after rolling her eyes all over me.

I sit there bored, wondering why parties exist.

We could right now be all calm in bed, talking about things that don't matter but she's here wasting time on what isn't even of her interest, for a reason I don't have a hint of.

I have a few sips of my mocktail while navigating on my phone, until she comes back.

"Done? Shall we go home now?" I ask,

She shakes her head and sits down next to me, "She's unmarried, how do you like her?"

"What?" it takes me a second to process that, "Are you stupid?"

"No, look at her," she speaks seriously and I wonder if I heard it wrong, there's no humor in her voice,

"Look at what, why?"

"She looks pretty, doesn't she?"

"Sawera, don't annoy me."

"You're not even looking."

"Come," I get up, ignoring all of that and stretch my arm to her, "let's go home,"

"No, no, don't. It must be embarrassing."

I'm too tired for her shit, not this again, "Saw- I smiled to someone, right? I don't know, I'm sorry, I didn't notice,"

"No," she says "I mean, I don't know, I wasn't looking at you."

"Of course," Ramsha comes and smiles widely, "of course, you were not looking at him all this while."

"Ramsha, shut up," Sawera looks at me, "I wasn't. And I'm going home, with Ramsha."

"No, this is fun, I'm not going." Ramsha says looking at Rehan and I roll my eyes.

"Sawera shut up and let's go. This is exactly why we shouldn't have come."

"No, you can go home. Ramsha will drop me."

I glare at Sawera, "I don't care whatever's going on your mind, this is not a way to behave."

"Bro, I'm saying this for you. Go home. It's okay, I'm fine."

"You're saying this for me? You're more bored than I am-"

"No, but I'm not embarrassed to be around you, you are embarrassed of being seen with me."

After a few instants of confusion, it all gets clear. She's so silly,

I'm at loss of words.

"Everyone here knows you're my wife."

"No. They don't even remember me."

"Sawera, don't be stupid, everyone knows you. They're not getting along with you just because. They all know I have the most beautiful wife and we all know who's the most beautiful in this room."

Her face lights up, and she wants to ask if I'm being honest but at the same time she wants to feign that she's still upset.

"Can we go home, please? They are all boring people, there's no fun here," I bend down to her ear and whisper, "Ramsha's going to stay here until Rehan wants to leave and Rehan's awfully boring so he'll like to stay at least for two more hours. Sawera we're going to get bored out of mind."

She contemplates it.

"Well, okay, I'm only going because you're insisting, I have no interest in going home with you."

"Liar," I stage whisper as she finally gets up to leave,

We've walked a few steps when she realises, "But if I'm looking beautiful then let everyone see, I want to go around the room, I didn't go to that corner, those ladies haven't seen me."

I swear if I didn't love her I'd leave her here.

"Sawera yaar, please-"

"-Can you stop saying yaar all the time?"

"No." I take her hand and we leave.

"You know I say Alhamdulillah and InShaAllah in my head because of you?"

"Heh, nice."

She laughs and waves bye to Ramsha and Rehan, then gets upset again, "If I'm really looking pretty then I should be wearing this for longer. Like I can't waste this beautiful dress on just three hours."

And we've reached to the door when she stops to say that. Mr. Adams sees us before we can go and since I'm a bad liar and no idea occurs to me, I tell him we were going to get my phone out of the car.

There go more hours of boredom.

Sawera gives me an evil smile, "Yea, I was telling him he should go alone but he's afraid of the dark."

I nod at her, "Right," I'll get you back for this, Sawera, just wait.

Mr. Adams laughs and tells us it's almost time for the main event and that we should go only after it.

Sawera hops inside and sits on the bar, leaving me more frustrated than ever.

An hour's for sure getting wasted now.

- S A W E R A -

I've been sitting here for an hour and Azaan doesn't even care. He's probably flirting with some girl in some corner of the room.

I sigh and take my head off the bar countertop when suddenly someone puts a hand on my waist, covers my mouth and takes me out of everyone's sight.

My heart throbs against my chest as it all reminds me of Cade.

I'm too frozen for the first few seconds to react, and when I gain composure, the assailant is far away, locking the door of the bathroom.

"Ah, Azaan! I thought I was getting kidnapped! I was going to kick you-"

"Either you find a way to get us out of here in five minutes or you're going to bear the consequences."

I tsk, "Bro it's not for that much. Dinner's in around half an hour,"

"Sawera I'm very serious don't have me raise my voice. You got us trapped. Now we're either going stargazing to calm down or you're getting an over the knee at this very moment."

Bruh,

I bite my nail and look around thinking what to do when my eyes stop at the window. There's a small window a few feet above us.

"Azaan-!"

"No," he says having already followed my gaze,

"Absolutely yes. You won't even have to answer anyone. You can call him later telling him that I felt sick. I mean, I could act in front of eveyone as well but I'm sure you don't want me to because you can't feign worry."

"We're not jumping down a fucking window."

"Huh? Azaan, don't be boring, please. If you do this I'll admit you're cooler than me and I'll never make fun of your age."

"Sawera, I don't care what you say about my age, we're not doing that."

I look around, spot the steel dustbin and put it below the window.

"Okay, I'll do the hard part. Before getting out I'll run and unlock the door then run and come back and get out."

This seems so adventurous, it's so fun!

I squeal in excitement, "Azaan, I love this please don't say no."

"Sawera you won't be able to get out in this outfit," he says and I look down, "there might be a tool you can stand on from this side of the wall but there's nothing on the other side."

Or maybe he's just afraid the dustbin will break if I climb up, or that the window's too small and I won't fit in it.

"Yea," I abandon the plan, "I don't know yaar, get upset, I don't care. We can't leave without having dinner."

Now I truly don't feel like having dinner. Not until I know I can fit in that window.

I unlock the door,

"Hey?" He holds my waist and takes me to the sink, I lean back onto it as he stands with his feet beside mine, not leaving half an inch of space between us.

He leans down and I push myself further back, putting my hands over the sides of the basin, "It's okay, Azaan. I know that was a stupid idea. I should have looked at myself before speaking-"

He takes my hand in one of his and uses the other on the back of my neck to bring me to his lips. I close my eyes.

The thoughts keep traveling in the back of my mind.

I wonder what he must be thinking of me.

He must think I only came here for the dinner.

It was clearly a dinner party. There's no reason I should have insisted to stay here.

To feel better, I try to think of the way the shop attendant gave me a smaller size but the tears roll down anyway and I feel the need to take my hand out of his and put it over his chest.

I breathe while tears roll down and the weeping session starts right in front of him.

I don't know what he'll think. He'll probably mentally accuse me of not losing weight properly or recovering way too much. He's too nice to say it all out loud.

"Tell me when you're done because we have to get out," he says after a while. I look up at him and he's leaning on the wall with his arms crossed.

And I swear I wish he said this all the time instead of worrying for me, because I can't control my sniveling and it upsets me that he always has to take care of it.

I look at myself in the mirror to check the mascara but that's nowhere the problem. It was waterproof. The lipstick is. I'm looking like a clown.

"Yea, we need to get out of here before anyone sees you."

I laugh at my face and try to clean the sides with my thumb but it all goes to vain.

He climbs up the dustbin and I hear him jump out.

I take my heels off. My heart halts as I stand on it. I get to the window and push the dustbin away with my foot before giving my hand to Azaan.

I throw my heels down and jump down on the clean grass.

We look around and rush to the car. I take my bag from Rehan's car, then run and sit next to Azaan.

He quickly starts driving and once we're far away, we both laugh on the incident.

Only after I'm done laughing do I realize that he had already stopped laughing.

I don't know what he's looking at.

I take my lipstick and a wet wipe from my bag and fix my lipstick.

"Ouh, you knew your lipstick was going to get ruined huh?" he raises his brow mischievously.

I roll my eyes, then follow his lead, "Yea, I know you can't resist my nose pin."

He gets serious about it, I see his eyes traveling down to my neck and looking at the locket he gave me.

"No, that's no joke, it genuinely does drive me crazy, I love it on your nose."

I fit in the window, that was enough to make me happy.

How I see myself is truly not the way I am. He was right.

"Why don't you always say what you said a few minutes ago? That 'let me know when you're done'. Because you're right, most of the time all I need is time, not your assurance. You assuring me makes it worse. It feels like you're lying just to make me stop cry."

"Cool, I'll keep that in mind."

I'm so much happier these days, it doesn't seem real.

"I didn't know- you, all of you were actually right. I don't know why I don't see myself- Like, I think there's still- agh nevermind," I end it when I remember he gets upset.

"No, go on,"

"No, it's just that, I thought- I look better than I think- I mean maybe not but what Dr. Morgan said was right. I don't- the other day when I went to buy that- that you know like the clothing pieces, like that- what you saw- tsk, the lingeries. When I went to buy them the attendant stopped me and told me I was getting a size bigger than what I need." I explain,

He nods, "and?"

"And I didn't realise that by myself. Like there was so much difference in the size I took and the size she handed me. I don't know, I don't feel as th- And, you know, it kind of makes me happy when I realize I'm not the way I think I am, but then I look in the mirror and it- I really..."

I don't know how to say it without hurting him.

The loose hair strands around my head sway back as the wind gets violent and rustles loud.

Azaan rolls the windows up, not letting me enjoy it.

"Broaden your range of beauty. Your standards are very limited, Sawera. That's going to hurt you. You should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and feel pretty. You are stunning and no one can take that away from you. Not even your warped perception of your appearance."

More than half of the time I don't understand Azaan's ted talks.

I lean on his shoulder and enjoy the silence.

"How did Cade die?" I ask,

I hear no response and look at him, "Are we really going to talk about him right now?"

"Abeer called me the other day and-"

"-When did I allow you to receive his calls?"

I have no argument to give. I stopped him from talking to Kylie and he agreed.

"I'm sorry."

But he killed Cade?

"Astaghfirullah, I thought you were religious, though. You can't go around killing people-"

He starts teasing me about yesterday and I forget what I was saying and start fanning my cheeks.

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