[☆ Mann Bharya is mentioned, but this was written before the 2.0 was released and the characters are not in 2021 anyway, so we're talking about the first one. Also, Sidharth's death was so sudden, please don't take life too seriously, keep praying, stay on the right path and enjoy whatever's on your plate as long as it is there. ☆
Enjoy!]

We sit for breakfast and he's still too silent.

I try to break the ice this time, "Can I join office?"

He looks up at me, astonished.

"Yes, of course." His jaw clenches at the bite he's chewing.

The place goes silent again.

"Won't you ask me when I wanna start?"

He looks up with the red eyes he's been carrying the whole morning. Did he sleep last night?

"When do you want to start?"

"How about today?"

He nods, not as happy as I thought he would be. Not happy at all, actually. He's been the same way since yesterday.

I finally gain enough courage, "I tried wearing those dresses, all of them one by one. It's just that... they don't suit me."

"It's okay Sawera, wear them or throw them away, it's your choice."

He leaves the table.

I'd sit here and cry but Lindsay's waiting to clean the table.

~~~

I don't remember her name, but the woman that replaced Kylie is even prettier.

~~~

I haven't seen his family in so long, and had bhabhi and bhai not appeared here suddenly I wouldn't have realised that.

"So, we wanted to tell you guys something. Ammi was insisting on telling you two yesterday on the phone but we decided to come here and give you this good news by ourselves."

How impatient would the Sawera from seven months ago get?

Hell of a disease. More than half of the time makes me wish I was dead but right now I'd like to thank it. Had it not existed, I'd still be chirpy and would have blurted out whatever came in my mind. Had I right now blurted out what just came in my mind, bhabhi would never talk to me.

But had this disease not engulfed my entire being, I would not have been so forgetful and I would have known that it's been more than seven months to her miscarriage and a pregnancy so long so as to get noticed with a baby bump is possible.

I move my eyes away from her belly and congratulate her.

The worst thing is that before anything, before greetings and hellos; the first look, my first impression of a girl mainly consists of her body mass.

Azaan's new secretary's thinner than a stick. Since the last time I saw bhabhi, I'm sure she has gained at least twelve pounds.

And yet I look worse than her.

By God, I would kill to stop these thoughts from appearing in my head.

Anxiety, boredom, stress.

They bid byes and get out.

"Sawera, you know I found the best TV show ever." Azaan says as I sit on the TV and proceeds to show me F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Wallahi, I'm sick of his sense of humor.

~~~

While I sit on the vanity table and look at my undefined jaw, I count the amount of times I've listened to Mann Bharya and thought of going to Azaan and telling him that I'm not happy with this marriage.

It always led to overthinking. I don't want to be homeless.

Why does every night have to end with tears?

~~~

After coming home from office, when Azaan asks me if I wanna go shopping for the soon to be born heir of the family, I'm reminded of his family and I feel guilty for not even calling them once.

I could call Palwasha, at least.

I head to his study and withdraw my old phone.

My heart sinks for a few seconds when I look at the lock screen but I proceed to make the call, ignoring the tweets I once made opened as if someone were reading them just some time ago.

I try not to think of it, but while I wait for her to pick up the call, I wonder why Azaan would read my tweets anymore. Doesn't he tell me to forget all of that?

"What are you calling for? Did you kill bhai or something?" Palwasha answers coldly.

"What?"

"When dadi ammi died you didn't even bother letting bhai come home. You've completely snatched him from us. What else do you want now?"

Dadi ammi?

I churn my head. All I can remember is that she had Alzheimer... she was supposed to come to NY but couldn't because of her health, and that Azaan was very close to h—

"GOD, does Azaan know it?"

"I don't know what world you're living in, but it's been up to two months since it happened. And he... you really got upset because of that conversation with ammi? Ammi was yearning for grandchildren. It's been five years since Seher bhabhi married into this house. They've been trying since then. It's—" she started sobbing, "so disgusting, how you've ruined it all because of that one vulnerable moment my mother had with you. I've never seen someone more selfish than you. I've never hated someone as much as I hate you. Please leave my brother alone. He hasn't been home in so long."

I cut her sobs with one button.

It's been a month since I joined office.

Days were going okay.

Not too good but not that bad either.

I was living through it all.

Staying all day at work and then coming home tired was one good way of not thinking about anything that would trigger my mental health.

Tomorrow's Sunday and I had started to fall in love with them. They'd always be so fun and relaxing now that Azaan had learned to give me time.

This is not done.

This is so not done.

Why can't God just let me in peace?

~~~

Dinner time goes all silent. It's been quite a while since we last went all mute. He tries to touch topics here and there while I try to think of a way of apologising to him and his family without breaking down.

I walk straight to the bed and search for something to watch on the TV while he freshens up.

Eating has become an easier task since last week. Being tired has increased my appetite. I don't like to think much about it. Whenever I do I get into details and I still don't know if I'm okay with what I look like.

I hear the bathroom door unlock and I sit down properly, facing his side.

He throws his watch on the sidetable and sits down to check his phone.

"You... still open my Twitter?"

He stills.

"It's— I mean, cool but I thought we had moved on."

He turns back, "Why did you touch it?"

"I didn't have Palwasha's number in this one, so I had to go back to it."

"You called her?" His eyes suddenly hold worry,

"Yea," I gulp,

"She misbehaved, didn't she?" He says, looking at my inability to start how the conversation went and I raise my eyes, "She's— I'm sorry, she's still very childish." He positions the pillows properly and takes the remote from me.

"No, she was right—"

"She wasn't. End of topic."

"You didn't tell me about dadi ammi."

His eyes jump back to me and soften so much, I wanna kiss him and tell him it's all going to be okay when I know it's not. She's never coming back.

"I was afraid."

"Of what?"

He thinks of it for a while then shakes his head, "Let it be,"

"Azaan. We haven't been home in so long. I don't know, um, let's move back?"

"What? No. Not at all. What the fu— I'll call her in the morning. She's become so uncivil, I swear even ammi's worried for her, she won't—"

"Does ammi think I stopped you from going there? Because of that, that..." I don't want to talk about it, "Azaan, we used to go home every Sunday anyways."

He thinks it through and I fill the silence, "I haven't even asked bhabhi when the due date is. We could go shopping with your parents? Have they thought of a name for him? We should have gone home with them when they came. It would be the right thing to do."

His head jerks towards me at the last sentence.

"What?" I furrow my brows,

"Damn Sawera, since when do you care what the right thing to do is?"

A smile escapes my lips, having genuinely no idea. I think this is the first time I've said that.

He pulls up a tired look, "I don't want to go anywhere," drags me to him and snuggles in my neck until I'm lying down, "Sundays are so much better here, with you. We'll go home on Monday, straight from office."

I laugh as he snuggles me inside the duvet and pull the duvet down, stopping him, "No, ammi's missing you. Maybe even right now. We should call her."

He looks up, "At this time?"

I look at the time.

"And worry her even more?"

I feel so bad, I should have talked about it in the evening. We would have been able to talk to her and comfort her.

"We'll go to my parent's on Monday, I promise. Tomorrow... mm, what about Netflix and Chill—"

"There's an amusement park around three hours away."

"Do you want to go?"

I want to nod but I stay still, wondering if I'm ruining his plan, being too selfish, not thinking about his parents... Maybe he said that to make me feel good, maybe he too wants to go to his parent's, God, maybe I should have forced a bit more, God knows what he's thinking about me now. I'm too selfish, "No, it just— I—I heard um, Ava talking about it. It slipped my tongue, we can... watch Netflix, sure, and maybe I think maybe we should go to your parents in the eve—"

Just the way he was looking at me was enough to snatch my soul away. I'm sure it wasn't his intention but it felt so accusing.

He snuggled back in, "Let tomorrow be. Right now, I want to be here."

I shifted back and closed my eyes, shit I shouldn't have named it, why would I? I should have just shut up and nodded to his plans. Ugh, it would be so much easier. Now, tomorrow he's going to—

"Shut up Sawera." I hear him and startle. "I can hear you. Calm down." He kisses my neck and rests his already closed eyes behind my ear.

~~~

I wake up and find myself somehow tangled in him. Why do we sleep so weird?

I back away to get out of bed but he holds my arm, huffing. "Get back in, it's Sunday."

"Yea, and we're going to your parents house which is why you need to get up immediately."

"No, we're not. Can you come back for like, five more minutes?"

I get out of bed and draw the curtains just to see those forehead lines etch on his face and his mouth form a grimace.

I laugh and kiss his forehead before heading towards the shower.

~~~

I blowdry my hair. The hair that was once too weak it'd fall in chunks.

It's still really thin.

I don't care much.

I pick the first outfit I find in the closet. This is the worst part of leaving the house and I always leave it for the end.

Thankfully, the weather's cold and the wardrobes are full of baggy clothes.

I don't glance twice in the mirror and leave the closet to find Azaan still in his boxers, making cereal.

"Azaan!?" I yell, "we're supposed to leave!"

"To where?" He puts our bowls on the dining table, "the amusement park?"

"N-no," my voice lowers, "to your house."

He pauses to look at me, "No, we're not. Why do you want to ruin my Sunday?"

I pause to tell him that I'm serious. He doesn't move an inch. I walk to the door, pick the car keys and he shouts, "Okay okay okay!"

"No, you're getting ready in five."

"Let me have breakfast Hitleress."

Oh.

~~~

"No, let me be." I take the tissue from his hands but back away from his stretched arms.

His mum seemed to be angry with me all the time we were there. It was so sabotaging.

I wipe my nose and he narrows his eyes in disgust, I stop and tell him to look away if it's so disgusting, he laughs and puts his hands on the steering wheel.

Two hours go by, but the guilt doesn't, I keep on justifying myself and he doesn't even interrupt me with 'I know, I know you didn't do anything, it was me' or I don't know. He should be consoling me right now but he's only listening.

"Why aren't you saying anything, don't you know it wasn't my mistake? You should have gone home, Azaan. This is so unfair. The blame's all on me. She must be cursing me with all her heart."

The car stops in front of an amusement park and I look at him. "Seriously? I'm crying he—"

He opens the door and leaves.

Asshole.

That's what he is.

He opens the door for me and shuts it once I'm out. He hands me a cotton candy stick that appears out of nowhere while we walk inside the amusement park.

I'm about to take it when the thought of calories passes through my mind and I look at Azaan. I take it in my hand and wipe the thought away, along with a tear of mine.

We stroll in the amusement park, looking at different rides and chattering.

I laugh, "You've never sat on a Ferris wheel? So whenever you went to an amusement park, you just sat on the carousel?"

"No, I used to watch Palwasha—" He stops hearing my loud laughter and I feel bad for making fun of him but he really counts that as something to do in an amusement park.

Once I'm done laughing, I circle my arm around his and pull him to myself, "You're coming with me." I say, still mid-laughing.

"No."

"Is that why you overreacted that time I climbed a skyscraper with Abeer—"

I shouldn't have mentioned his name.

Anyway, I feel better. Now it makes sense. That day, I thought he was just sick of me and had an outburst.

"You are coming with me."

"Sawera, I'm not."

~~~

His face and voice everytime the wheel rolled and we were on the top had me wheezing, and now I feel like the rollercoaster is going to be the end of me.

I watch him breathe in and out after tying the seatbelt and I already want to clutch my stomach.

It's so rare to see him afraid.

I scrunch my nose at how cute he looks.

The air is cold and soft at the top of the ride and the clouds look so beautiful this evening, it's the most perfect evening I've had in very long.

Life feels better.

It's been so long since the last time we fought.

I feel like Azaan wants to be with me.

Sometimes he makes me feel like he loves being with me.

Sometimes my mood drops to the lowest but I don't let him know. I hated seeing him cry that day.

I don't feel like getting out of bed everyday but I don't want this life either.

I don't want to depend on the weighing machine. Azaan has made me realise how it makes my life awful.

I remember worrying about my grades and this feels like that, but thousand times worse.

I hate numbers.

I hate counting calories.

I love being here. I love laughing.

I want this. I don't want that.

The adrenaline rush gets to me when the ride takes us down and my hair flies open in the air. The lights of the city feel like small orbs with those weary-teary eyes of mine and I feel like life's all soft and romantic.

Right now, I don't care about the hair fall. Right now, I don't worry about any number.

I feel like I'm living.

This is life.

"I FUCKING LOVE YOU AZAAN!"

"Please shut up Sawera I love you too god damn this is awful we are never doing this again."

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