WISH YOU WERE GAY
BILLIE EILISH

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way, mm
I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay

Jeongguk doesn't think he's ever been so happy to see Taehyung. After the begrudgingly long train ride back to Seoul, Taehyung picked him up from the terminal and drove him home. He didn't ask what happened, knowing Jeongguk is the type who needs to think through and thoroughly process his emotions before talking about them, so he sat silently on the drive to Jeongguk's apartment and built a blanket fort in his living room, setting up a movie on his laptop to attempt to cheer him up.

But there was no cheering up for Jeongguk, at least not in the near future. He doesn't know what the shirtless man was doing in Haneul's apartment, but if his inferencing skills are even mildly competent, he doesn't need to know. If what was happening inside Haneul's apartment was anything like what it looked like, Jeongguk doesn't even want to know exactly what was going on before she opened the door. He feels hurt so intensely, to the point that he's numb to any other feeling. He doesn't even flinch when he stubs his toe on the coffee table.

He's silent until about halfway through the movie they're watching on Taehyung's laptop; some comedy, though neither of them are laughing. Taehyung gets up to answer the door, and when he gets back Jeongguk looks at him expectantly.

"It's nothing. Pizza guy had the wrong place." He says, and Jeongguk nods. Taehyung settles into the blanket fort once more, about to unpause the movie, when Jeongguk speaks.

"She was with another man." He blurts, bluntly and quietly. Taehyung sighs, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I'm really freaking sorry, hyung." Taehyung says, not knowing how to comfort the hurting man. Jeongguk shakes his head this time, pulling his knees to his chest.

"No, do not apologize. I should be the one apologizing, for making you come get me at this unholy hour of the night—"

"No, no, stop. Firstly, you didn't make me, I wanted to. It's the least I could do. No one deserves what happened to you, Jeongguk. Especially not you. Cheating is never okay." Taehyung says, firmly refusing Jeongguk's apologies.

"I do not even know for certain if it is considered cheating. We were never officially a...what is it that young people say nowadays? An...item?" Jeongguk asks, and Taehyung manages half a smile.

"Maybe people said that. Circa 2007." He says, but immediately backtracks as soon as he sees the disappointment on Jeongguk's face deepen. "That's not the point. Even if you weren't officially exclusive, that's still a crappy thing to do to you. With the lack of communication and everything." He explains, and Jeongguk sighs once more, resting his chin on his knees.

"I do not even care, to be honest. I do not care for whatever her relationship with him is. I just...I cannot help but wonder what the relationship we shared really was in her eyes. I do not know if this is merely one sided, or if I am delusional." Jeongguk says softly, mumbling into his sweat pants. "I do not know if any of it was substantial to her. If we were real or fake." He murmurs.

"I don't know for sure how she felt about you, but I do know that she'd be legally insane to lose someone as amazing as you for some random hookup. If she were smart, she'd see how special and important you are." Taehyung says sincerely, Jeongguk's dark, tired eyes glancing up at the blue haired man. "Losing you is her loss, not yours. If she can't realize how great the person she had is, she doesn't deserve to have you."

"I know, you are probably right. Thank you. I just...I feel so terribly alone, Taehyung. I know I'm not, I've got you and the guys, but—you know. You understand how it feels to wait hundreds of years for the one person who understands you and makes you feel like you finally found your reason for existence. I thought she was mine. I thought I was hers. But now, she's not, and I was wrong, and I feel so alone." When Jeongguk meets gazes with Taehyung again, there's an unreadable emotion behind his eyes, a foreign, and yet oddly familiar intensity.

And then, he's moving closer. He's closing the space between their bodies, and Jeongguk is frozen in confusion and shock and the slightest bit of curiosity. His big hand with it's long, lithe fingers gracefully rises to cup Jeongguk's cheek, and Jeongguk can feel his breath on his own face. "Maybe we can be alone together." He whispers, and before Jeongguk can process, Taehyung's lips are grazing his own, and the there's a featherlight pressure that makes Jeongguk's head spin.

Taehyung is kissing him. Taehyung is handsome. Taehyung is stroking his cheek. Taehyung is kind. Taehyung is pulling him closer. Taehyung is caring. Taehyung's lips roam. Taehyung is a Wanderer, too. Taehyung is whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Taehyung is his friend. Taehyung's fingers play with the buttons on his shirt. Taehyung is a good kisser. Taehyung's teeth graze his skin.

But—

Taehyung isn't Haneul.

"Taehyung—" He chokes out over the lump in his throat. The blue haired man hums in response, but doesn't look up from suckling on Jeongguk's collarbones. "Tae, please—" He shakily braces a hand on either side of Taehyung's face and pushes him back. Life seems to pause as the magnitude of what just happened washes over Jeongguk like a bucket of ice water.

He doesn't know how long he has been kissing Taehyung, but the blue haired man's lips are pink and swollen. The harsh reality makes Jeongguk's stomach churn. The way Taehyung is looking at him makes the churning intensify—eyebrows cinched, fear, and somehow, hope, filled eyes.

"I'm sorry." Jeongguk breathes out. "Tae, I can't. I—I love her. I love Haneul." He blurts. He has never said it out loud, and the words are foreign and unfamiliar on his tongue, but truer words were never spoken. He loves Haneul. As much as he would like to keep kissing Taehyung, as much as he would like to take the much easier path, he can't. He'd be lying if he did. As much as Haneul hurt him, it would hurt more to be without her.

"Fuck." Taehyung deadpans, and his voice is thick with the beginnings of tears.

"No, please, Tae. It's not you, or the kiss—"

"No, fuck. Fuck!" Taehyung exclaims, scrambling to his feet. "I have to fix this. Jeongguk, I—I fucked everything up, but I'll fix it. I'll be back. I'm gonna fix this for you." He says, voice breaking, running a hand through his already messy blue locks.

"What? Tae, stop! Will you just calm down for a second and stay—?" Jeongguk begins, moving to stand, but Taehyung is out the door before he can stop him. "You didn't do anything wrong!" He calls after him, slumping against the wall in defeat. He might have just lost a best friend, too.

Somehow, he ends the night feeling even more alone than before, more alone than he ever thought possible.

•••

Taehyung anxiously taps his fingers on the wheel, looking for the apartment building. His heart aches in his chest, partly for himself, and partly for Jeongguk. How could he be this stupid?

He heard Jeongguk calling after him as he ran out of the apartment like a bat out of hell. "You didn't do anything wrong!" He had said. Taehyung scoffs to himself.

If only Jeongguk knew just how much he had done wrong.

If only Jeongguk knew that the person at the door wasn't a lost pizza delivery man.

If only Jeongguk knew that the person at the door was Haneul.

If only Jeongguk knew that she was crying, and she was looking for him, and that she was sorry.

If only Jeongguk knew that she wanted to give him the address of where she would be staying when he was ready to talk.

If only Jeongguk knew that Taehyung snatched the paper out of her hand, told her to leave, and slammed the door in her face in a fit of anger.

If only he knew.

Taehyung looks down at the crumpled piece of paper with Haneul's address on it in his lap. He needs to fix this for Jeongguk. As much as Taehyung wants to drive back to his apartment and confess his feelings for Jeongguk, he forces himself to navigate to the address.

As much as this hurts, he knows losing the love of his life will hurt Jeongguk more.

And Taehyung will be damned if he does that to the man he loves, even if he doesn't love him back.

ooooo y'all know i love a good plot twist

just clarifying that the kiss was consensual and jeongguk did kiss back! taehyung is not a shitty human being!

edited 05/07/20