CIRCLES
MAC MILLER

And I keep you safe, I can keep you safe, mm
Do not be afraid, do not be afraid
You're feeling sorry, I'm feeling fine
Don't you put any more stress on yourself, it's one day at a time
It's gettin' pretty late, gettin' pretty late
Yeah, and I find
It goes around like the hands that keep counting the time
Drawing circles

It's been a week since Jeongguk met up with Hoseok, and they've hung out three times since then. For the first time in a long time, Jeongguk has plans after work. Hoseok shows him many things he didn't even know existed, like street dancing and video games. He would never get frustrated with Jeongguk when he didn't understand, not even when he would continually drive off a cliff playing Mario Kart and the little character had to come fish his character out of the ocean over and over again. It's refreshing to be completely honest with someone, and Hoseok doesn't judge him for it at all.

Jeongguk tells Hoseok about his long life, and Hoseok is curious to find out more. He tells him about life without technology, life without indoor plumbing, life when you couldn't even talk to a girl without her father's permission. He tells him about Jimin, and Hoseok is so saddened by the tragedy that he cries, and Jeongguk begins to cry because of his overwhelming empathetic gene. Jeongguk even tells him about Haneul, and Hoseok teases him for it, even stealing Jeongguk's phone to text her while he was in the bathroom.

Hoseok has even taken Jeongguk to hang out with the guys from the club, Seokjin's friends. He received a sincere apology from Taehyung, and after that, they all arranged to go bowling one night next week, even though Jeongguk has no clue how to bowl. "Do you compete to stack a tower of bowls the highest, perhaps?" He had asked Hoseok when they brought it up, and he had only laughed. Friendship was more natural with Hoseok than the others, but he still enjoyed having friends. It was a welcome change to his typical routine. Hoseok and the others had officially resolved his boredom.

One thing not even Hoseok can do for Jeongguk is solve his nightmares. Jeongguk thought that maybe, just maybe, having friends would make some sort of difference. He has even told Hoseok about his nightmares, and he suggested he go see a therapist, but he couldn't make any sense of why they were recurring. So, just as before he had multiple friends as opposed to a singular friend, Jeongguk wakes with a start in the middle of the night, sweat soaked and breathless and scared.

That's what occurred tonight, and he's just gotten out of his mid-nightly shower. He puts on his usual sweats and lays down in bed. Just before he can shut his tired eyes, he hears his phone buzzing rapidly. He grabs his glasses off the bedside table and slides them onto his face, fumbling for his phone.

jeongguk

please be awake

please

i need you

Jeongguk's brows furrow in concern, reading Haneul's last message over again. Worry forms a sickening pit in his stomach. He has needed Haneul many times before, but never once has she needed him. Something is really, really wrong. Jeongguk can feel it.

I'm here

I'm right here

oh thank god

jeonggukkie i messed up

i messed up really really bad

I guarantee you you did not make as bad a mistake you believe you did

no jeongguk i did

i killed someone

What?

i killed a patient jeongguk

i was operating on a patient today and i missed a bleed and i got paged ten minutes ago and he's dead he's dead he bled out internally

i murdered him

Oh, darling

You did not murder him.

it's all my fault jeongguk i missed a bleed when i was closing the veins

how could i miss a little bleed

You're human

You make mistakes and you cannot help being human.

he has children jeongguk he has three little adopted kids and a husband

it was my job to save him and i killed him i murdered him

You did not have malicious intentions, Haneul.

does it matter?

now three kids are growing up without one of their dads

because of me

fuck i can't breathe

i can'r bresthw

Jeongguk's eyes widen as he reads, and he knows immediately that she's having a panic attack, having had his fair share of them. He knows exactly what they feel like: like your lungs can't get enough oxygen and like your head is about to explode and like your hands might fall off they tremble so violently. Exactly what she's describing, even an explanation for her typos. He needs to help her, but how can he help her through text when she's probably crying so hard she can't read the screen?

Wait.

She can't read the screen, but she can hear just fine.

Jeongguk presses the "CALL" button next to Haneul's name, and his heart races. He doesn't even think about the magnitude of speaking to Haneul rather than texting, all he can focus on is making sure she's okay.

She picks up on the last ring. Jeongguk hears her uneven breath and his heart breaks a little. He can't imagine the girl with such a beautiful smile crying.

"H-Hello?" She says, voice quiet. His heart skips a beat at the sound of her voice, like honey personified, but hoarse from crying.

"Hey, it's Jeongguk." He breathes out, using the more natural way of greeting someone that he learned from Hoseok. He hears Haneul's breathing hitch on the other end of the line, and the painful sound of a muffled sob. "Shh," he coos, "breathe, Haneul."

"I killed him. I killed him." Haneul repeats shakily.

"No, you did not. You didn't. You cannot save everyone, my dear." He murmurs, and she lets out a humorless laugh.

"I'm a doctor, it's my job to save everyone." She says, and Jeongguk shakes his head even though she can't see. "I-I killed him, I didn't do my job and now he's dead and his family's broken and—"

"Shh, shh, breathe. Listen to me. Listen to my voice." Jeongguk cuts her off before she can ramble herself into a downward spiral. "That's impossible. Everyone dies at some point. And sometimes there's nothing you can do but mourn. You—you are one of the most compassionate people I have ever known, and you are naturally going to feel responsible, but I need you to understand that you are not. You wanted to save him, not harm him. You did not purposefully make a mistake. You did not kill him, your mistake did. But mistakes are part of life. Once they are made, they are hard to fix, but this is one you simply cannot mend. All you can do is learn from it, darling. I know it is hard, especially because you feel at fault, but there is physically nothing you can do. The only thing you have control of now is not letting this mistake ruin you so you can learn from it and save people like this man in the future." Jeongguk talks until he thinks he hears the pace of her breath steady and deepen.

They both are silent for a moment, but they don't feel discomfort or awkwardness. They just listen to the sound of each other's breathing, comforted by the sound. If Jeongguk closes his eyes, it almost sounds like she's there with him. What he would give to just hold her in that moment and let her know it would all be okay.

"Thank you." Haneuk finally speaks, and Jeongguk smiles to himself.

"There is no need to thank me. You are always here for me, and I am more than willing to be here for you. It is only the least I could do." He says softly, and Haneul laughs a little. Jeongguk's smile widens as he hears the melodious sound. He wants to hear it a million times over, he doesn't think he could ever tire of how beautiful it sounds.

"Jeongguk?" She asks. Why does his name sound so much better when she says it?

"Yes?"

"I like your voice." She blurts, and Jeongguk laughs a little. "Oh, is that weird? I'm sorry, that was definitely weird. It sounds like a comment on an ASMR video."

"ASMR?" Jeongguk asks. "What is that? Another keyboard smash, but spoken aloud?" Haneul laughs, an adorable giggle, and Jeongguk doesn't even care that he had to ask an embarrassing question to get it out of her.

"Oh...no, Jeonggukkie. It's a pretty long explanation."

"I've got time."

"It's four in the morning on a Wednesday and I know for a fact you open the cafe on Thursdays. You should get some sleep."

"Sleep can wait. I want to talk to you a little longer. Please?" Jeongguk asks softly. Little does Jeongguk know, Haneul can hardly resist the offer, especially when he asks so sweetly. This boy she's never met, who she's only ever seen the half of his face that's in his profile photo, has her wrapped around his finger. Little does she know, however, is that he is just as wrapped around hers.

"Okay, but only for five more minutes." Haneul gives in, and Jeongguk whoops with glee.

Despite what Haneul said, they talk for another hour and a half, until Jeongguk falls asleep to the sound of her honey and cream voice.

you. guys.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR 1K READS!!! i saw it when i got out of school today and had a minor freak out!!! i'm so glad you guys seem to like it as much as i love writing it!

i love you.

xoxoxo r

edited 05/08/20