𝗔𝗖𝗧 𝗜𝗜𝗜 ━━ 𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗜𝗦𝗛 𝗟𝗜𝗡𝗘
122. the young, young lovers

( song for the chapter:
hold on — chord overstreet
this is me trying — taylor swift  )

❝ 𝑐𝑎𝑛'𝑡 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑘 𝑜𝑓 𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑠𝑡
 𝑎𝑛𝑑 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝑤𝑖𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑙𝑜𝑠𝑡
 𝑜ℎ, 𝑐𝑎𝑛 𝑤𝑒 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑔𝑒𝑡 𝑎 𝑝𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑒?
 𝑡𝑜 𝑏𝑒 𝑐𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑤𝑒'𝑙𝑙 𝑏𝑒 𝑡𝑎𝑙𝑙 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛
 𝑤ℎ𝑒𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑤𝑒𝑎𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟 𝑏𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑠𝑡
 𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑣𝑖𝑜𝑙𝑒𝑛𝑐𝑒 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑜𝑔 𝑑𝑎𝑦𝑠
𝐼'𝑚 𝑜𝑛 𝑤𝑎𝑣𝑒𝑠, 𝑜𝑢𝑡 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑜𝑠𝑠𝑒𝑑
 𝑖𝑠 𝑡ℎ𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑎 𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑎𝑡 𝐼 𝑐𝑜𝑢𝑙𝑑 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑔𝑜 𝑐𝑟𝑜𝑠𝑠? ❞

          𝗙𝗨𝗡𝗘𝗥𝗔𝗟𝗦 𝗪𝗘𝗥𝗘 𝗗𝗘𝗣𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗜𝗡𝗚. 𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥𝗬𝗢𝗡𝗘 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗨𝗣 𝗗𝗥𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗘𝗗 𝗜𝗡 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗕𝗟𝗔𝗖𝗞, tears all around, reminiscing speeches about the one everyone lost. The memorial for Marlene McKinnon and her family was beautiful—Scarlet made all the perfect arrangements despite the limited time, resources and circumstances.

      An enormous cloud loomed over them, rain all over Hogwarts grounds in the middle of this grey April day.

      Scarlet wore a simple black dress like the other girls. On one side were the professors standing, sympathy in their eyes as most held umbrellas over their heads—having to go through the loss of an ex-student. All held a single white rose in their hands.

      Somewhere along the way, Scarlet stopped admiring white roses.

      She could not love white roses like she used to. Because it only came with terrible associations and a never ending ache of her heart. White roses at every funeral with every death. It only reminded her of death.

      Most of the gathering crowd were Gryffindor teenagers with the exception of Scarlet, Everest, and Dorcas Meadowes who stood alongside Moody. 

      Lily was the first to deliver an eulogy for Marlene, falling into Alice's arms at the end of it as she sobbed. Then Professor McGonagall said a few words about Eric—Marlene's brother since she mentored him throughout Hogwarts years.

      Scarlet squeezed Everest's hand, and the girl took a shaky breath before standing up and making her way to the front. Her eyes were stuck on the coffin. She couldn't tear her eyes away. Eventually, she spoke in a raspy voice.

"I never actually thought that... that I'd be here—standing at her funeral, trying to figure out how to go on with my life without her in it..." she began. "Marlene McKinnon was a lot of things, she was brave at heart and passionate and loyal to her friends. She showed the people around her what it means to live, she taught us how to love. Every day when I woke up, she showed me why life is worth living, because she was living it with me."

      She felt a tear rolling down. "She told me home doesn't have to be a place, it can be a person. Marlene was my home. Every time I hugged her, I felt at home. Every time I saw a smile on her face, I felt at home. She was my home because of that feeling I got when I was with her. When I was with her, I felt like nothing in the world could touch us—that it was just me and her, and nothing else mattered."

      She came to a sudden stop. She raised her chin and looked around—fearing she had said too much, went too deep. Then, she saw that encouraging smile on her best friend's face which motivated her to be true to herself. Scarlet always had that sort of effect on those around her.

"Marlene and I thought we were in a fairy-tale of our own making." she saw pretty much everybody in tears by this point—even the professors. "She was determined to make sure we all made it out alive and healthy. She was a family, to each and every one of us. She was a hero who never hesitated before putting everyone else's lives above her own, time and time again. She made my life worth living. Gave me a reason to keep trying."

      Her eyes momentarily met the three Gryffindor girls on the other side— Lily, Mary and Alice who were sobbing.

      Everest's hands shook uncontrollably. "She's made me determined too—determined to live a life that would make her proud of me. Determined to be a story worthy of the happy ending she should've gotten... and I'll miss her, and if you're listening... from somewhere... I'll love you forevermore, Marlene McKinnon."

She spoke directly to the picture they had up on an easel for the funeral—she was putting a hat on her brother's blonde head, they were both smiling. The text underneath read—

IN MEMORY OF MARLENE MCKINNON, 1959-1981

It was raining, it was raining hard and most were soaked, yet they stood on the cobblestone strong and rigid to pay their respect.

      Sirius was standing next to Scarlet. His hand slowly slipped into her grip, and the two just kept them intertwined there, making no effort to move them. The fight the day before hit them both incredibly hard—looking at each other felt like a hole had been carved out of their hearts—but they still loved each other. That part hadn't changed.

      At the end of the day, it was still his ring on her finger.

      But she chose not to look at him. Choosing to pretend she had given her weak, vulnerable heart hadn't, in return, crushed it into tiny pieces of simple nothingness.

      The worst part? Scarlet knew, as the couple sat hand-in-hand, she would go back to him. No matter what he says or does.

      Soon, the area started to clear out and people were making their way to their designated places. The Potters and Longbottoms returned home rather quickly, not spending one second too long out there.

"I think I want to stay a little longer," Everest whispered to Scarlet, the pair being the last ones standing at the cemetery.

The girl nodded, kissing her cheek and the yard was now empty. Scarlet's black heels stomped against the cobblestone and with every click, she heard an nearing footstep.

"Blondie?" A hoarse tone called, "Can we talk, please?"

      Scarlet turned around sharply, making him come to an abrupt stop.

"I'm sorry." All he said. Because every time, no matter what he did, an apology was all it took for her to stay. He needed her to stay. "Come home, it's been two weeks, love, come home."

She acknowledges that she made a mistake by knocking him out. If the roles were reversed, she would have a go at Sirius for pulling such a trick for months. The last two weeks hadn't been too tough, she was busy with funeral arrangement and it was necessary for her to be with Everest for the time being, comforting the girl and assuring her past the death of McKinnon. It has taken a troll on everybody, the pressure finally getting to them. "I was just trying to save you, Sirius."

      Sirius reached for her hand, squeezing it lightly three times which made the girl shut her eyes momentarily.

"I meant what I said the night I proposed to you, Blondie," said Sirius in a soft tone, "I said that I'm with you—that whenever something happens, we're in it together. We were supposed to fight together—we could've fought him—together." his voice was confident and sharp as he said the next words;

      "I don't need saving, I need you."

A silence emerged under the heavy rain, the two couldn't hear the sound of the droplets of water miserably hitting the ground.

"I don't care about being saved," he said almost defeatedly, "I'd much rather know that I spent my every waking breath fighting for the woman I love—than live the rest of it knowing you're gone because I didn't try hard enough."

"Please don't say things like that," she finally spoke, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Why?" he softly shot back, "You think that's gonna happen?"

      Scarlet hesitated to answer, snatching her gaze from her hands intertwined in his, looking back up and meeting his eyes, feeling the weight of his stare that surely didn't look angry anymore.

      Now—it was just fear.

"If that does happen," she said slowly, "I don't like the idea of dying with you angry at me..."

      Sirius didn't reply.

      The weight of her words hung between them—both of them starting to realise each other's perspective. Scarlet was well and truly starting to come to terms with the fact she didn't think she was making it out of this—and Sirius was starting to realise she genuinely believed that.

Sirius then finally let out a sigh, speaking much softer. "I'm not angry with you, Blondie..." the air felt thick, and the rain had slowed. "I just— I love you, I love you too much to let you put yourself through those things."

Scarlet let out a sigh of a breath, weakly smiling at him. "C'mere..." Yet, somehow, this one time, she could not bring herself to just let it go. To forgive him and neglect those words and focus on the good, that rotting feeling of him calling her a traitor was engraved in her heart.

      Sirius tugged her in for a hug as she approached, wrapping his board arms around her frame, cradling her head in his shoulder, stroking her hair softly. She melted into his embrace as she usually did, wrapping her arms around his back.

A tear escaped her eye and soaking into his shirt. When she pulled away, she placed a hand on her chest, "if something happens to me—"

"Don't say it." Sirius squeezed his eyes shut.

"Let me talk, Sirius," she pressed, eyes locked with his, "If something happens to me, take care of Eve, okay?"

"Of course," he nodded instantly, "she's my friend too."

      Seeing Everest at Marlene's funeral, it truly made her realise the momentum of what she had done. If she had truly died that night, it would've been Sirius standing all alone under pouring rain, wondering how he would live without the mere existence of his lifeline. Wondering where he went wrong. Wondering how soon enough, he was never going to smell the lavender fragrance in her hair and forget her voice. Wondering how he was going to live now that he was never going to see her again.

      She saw what it did to Everest. And she never wanted anybody—let alone Sirius, to experience something so atrocious and heart-wrenching like that.

      But Scarlet just couldn't... let it go. She couldn't let it go.

After Everest made her way out, Sirius turned to look at her. "Let us drop you home."

      Everest scoffed lightly at the word home, she was still terribly annoyed at her family for leaving.

Scarlet went forward and placed a hand on her waist to bring her closer, kissing her temple in a soothing manner. "Do you want to get some water?"

"I'm fine," said Everest with unintentional bitterness, pulling away with a sniffle and shoving her hands in her pockets. Her nose and cheeks were tinted red, and her jaw clenched in a rageful manner. She held such fury at the universe, for taking Marlene from her.

      Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sirius stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Everest, hugging her tightly. Somehow, this simple and unexpected action led Eve into breaking down into tears.

      He pulled away, and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"When we fought," Eve sniffed a little, sobbing, "I told her it's not her that is in danger given she's pureblood— and now... now she's gone." 

Sirius shook his head to disapprove her thought processes, "She died a martyr, alright — she left the world knowing she is so very loved by each and every one of us; knowing that somewhere out there, you will live," he held her shoulders in a rigid grip, making sure she listens to him, and when she nodded with a tiny sob, Sirius continued, "we all loved her and she knew it. You have to live for her, Chasseur."

      Everest nodded; however, to love and lose and live, it was so painful.

      None of this was fair.

BRIDGET'S HOUSE
may, 1981

      "I'm glad you came home," Sirius said once they entered, slightly smiling at her. His jacket was wet and he discarded it into the laundry, when he walked around to the kitchen, droplets of rain water fell to the ground from Scarlet's coat which she did not bother to take off. Her heeled shoes made murky-water footprints on the wooden tiles. She was drinking a glass of water and let out an enormous sigh afterwards. When she did not react, or bothered to regard him, he added, "why do you look like that?"

"Just because I came home doesn't mean I forgave you," she said cruelly, and his breath visibly hitched. Harshly, she bit down on the insides of her cheekbones, placing the glass on the counter and throwing her head back to stare at the ceiling. 

"Blondie— I'm sorry." Sirius said, not gently but rather forcefully, as though he was irritated by the mere fact that he is not forgiven even though he apologised, "there were things that I should not have said but you called me a liability, you knocked me out, the fault is as much mine as it is yours."

"If you tell me what I did wrong, if you tell me what you don't like about me, I'll fix it instantly," she declared, "I know I'm strong, and the only reason I'm powerful is because I feel rage with all my heart... but I feel pain just as strongly as I feel my anger, Sirius, and my pain is so strong that sometimes I think I might die 'cause of a broken heart."

"I didn't mean to make you feel that—"

"You accused me of being a traitor," she reminded him, and these sorts of things were not easily forgotten, "I thought that of all people, you'd understand my effort."

"I do." He nodded, "You know I didn't mean it; you can tell by the way I said it, I just wanted to win the argument because you started it."

"I'm really trying, you know," she told him softly, hands shaking intensely as she tried to steady them. "I've tried everything, all I do these days is try, try and try—"

"Try what?" Cluelessly and obliviously, he asked, "try to make us work?"

"No, no," he still did not get it, she thought as she shook her head, "try to make you love and understand me—"

"I DO LOVE YOU!" He yelled back, throwing his arms up into the air out of sudden frustration.

"LOVING SOMEONE ISN'T A CHOICE!" Her voice boomed as she retorted, "falling in love is accidental, can you truly tell me that if love was a choice, a pure choice, you'd still choose me?"

"I couldn't stop loving you even if I tried." He stated through gritted teeth, equally honest and beyond frustrated. 

"You're making it sound like an obligation!" She cried.

"You're the one who said love is an obligation," he recalled the exact words she said many years ago, "You're going to lecture me on the definition of love—? What the fuck do you want me to do? I did wrong, I admitted it and I apologised for something you started, move the fuck on!"

"Because you do it over and over again!" She shouted back. They fought, they fought countless times but this was different. They never yelled at each other, not back and forth and for such a long time. Frustrated tears ran down her cheeks, and he was heaving in a rageful manner. "I fucking suffocate underneath the weight of all your cruel words."

"I don't mean them," he excused, "I say shit when I'm pissed off and Merlin knows you know damn well how to irritate me."

"It doesn't matter if you mean them or not, your words ring in my ear every goddamn second of my life!" She shot back, "it's like living a fucking nightmare, living with you that is— I have to constantly think every action and every word thoroughly a million little times because I'm scared about what you'll say."

"You're making me sound like some manipulative sociopath!" He screamed at her. "I don't mean any of those things so it doesn't matter!"

"It does to me!" She retorted, "A few years ago, you told me you were using me, that you merely enjoyed fucking me."

"That is the worst thing I've ever done and I do not understand why you're bringing it up because you forgave me." He calmly stated. "I don't see any reason for you to hold a grudge. This should be forgotten."

"Do you even realise the extent to which your barbarism goes when you're angry?" She shook her head in mere confusion, "well, let me remind you."

"Don't start this now—"

"A freak," she reminded him, and then continued, "a vile psychopath, fucked in the head, selfish, entitled, an egoistic bitch, shallow, crooked— and that night, you pressed me against a wall 'till I couldn't breathe because you suspected me— repeatedly called my career stupid, treated me and my love for you like it meant so little for months after Regulus' death, called me abnormal, pathological, a people pleaser, you accused me of— of being a..."

      "... a traitor."

      She shook her head so vigorously, as though she could not believe that the man she loves would ever treat her so ferociously, endless stream of tears down her face. They stood there in the middle of the kitchen whilst shooting each other cold, glacial stares, the exact same expanse of the floor where they were slow dancing to romantic songs in the refrigerator light a few months ago.

      A horrible realisation gnawed at her conscience, it may not have been the war that threatened to ruin their relationship— no, it was not the war. It was them.

"I'm not flawless, Blondie," was what he said, not gently but not cruelly either, "I made mistakes and I hate myself for it—"

"—do you think that sort of thing doesn't stick with you forever?" She softly asked, "do you think it's easy to forget just because I forgave you?"

"I'll fix everything, I would take those words back but I can't and I'll spend my life trying to fix my mistakes—"

"Still now, you don't understand me—"

He let out a loud and frustrated groan, not rageful with her but at himself. He stumbled a little away, facing the wall with his hands on his hips. It was as though all those reminders of bits and pieces of words he said to her was finally now hitting him like a train, rotting his insides and drowning him in misery, "I'm trying to be better, for fuck's sake!" He bellowed. 

She arched a brow, and a part of him wanted him to hurt, an unsympathetic and brutal part of her heart, "You may think you deserve such good things because you fight against prejudice but you're not even worth all the shit I put myself through for you; no one will ever go to such an extent merely for your love because you're not fucking worth it. I hope you realise that someday—"

      He coldly stared at her. He blinked once. Then he struck his fist into the wall. Some sort of way to punish himself. Or her. 

      As soon as he did so, she flinched away, her feet forced a few steps back. Just like every time, her ears rang and her mind went blank, a mere white canvas with no scribbles of thoughts drawn. She didn't realise when she stopped breathing, when her heart began to beat in her head, when she had started crying but her cheeks were damp from tears, her hands were shaking like crazy. She curled them into fists.

      Breathe, breathe, breathe. It's just Sirius, just Sirius. You cannot be hurt, you're safe.

      And unlike Celeste Bridget, instead of merely wincing away and staying quiet, she yelled back something she never should have said.

"I fucking hate you!" Her voice bellowed and he stumbled back with an aching expression, running a hand over his wounded knuckles. "You make me wish I was in Bridget Manor when it burned down! You make me want to die!"

      Her voice was so raw, so honest, and out of every single damn thing she went through in her life, out of all the curses and wars and betrayal and unwanted touches and burns and mind control and torment and witnessing deaths of her friends and murdering people and endless tears, it was Sirius Black and his irresistible heart that made her want to die.

"What do you want me to do? To— to leave you? Do you want me to walk away?" He sharply pointed to himself, heaving now with wide eyes and mouth agape. Tension hovered over their heads, his knuckles were bloody, jaw set tight.

"At the moment, yes, I want you to leave." She turned away from him, running a hand through her hair and tugging at them harshly like some sort of maniac, and then she let out a grunt mixed with a scream. His heart throbbed at the affliction her voice held. 

"Well too bad!" He yelled at her, voice rising over her cry; he approached her quickly and stood at her side, so close that she coiled back, "do you think there is a single thing that you can say which will make me give up on us; that saying you hate me and breaking my heart will drive me away from you?"

      He was met with silence.

      And he got deja vu from years ago, back when she regarded him with cold silence and he would feel so irrelevant.

"Look at me," he demanded, not loudly but his tone was strong, "Scarlet, look at me."

      She did so, she turned to him instinctively and he was standing toe-to-toe with her, face merely an inch away from hers as he towered over her. The tears in her irises felt torturous, he wanted to kiss them away.

He gulped, "you don't really... hate me, right?" Sirius asked, "I don't know— I... there will be nothing left of me if you say you hate me— and trust me on this, however much you hate me, Blondie, I hate myself twice as much."

"One day, you'll wake up and I won't be there. Hopefully, then you'll realise you've lost the one real thing you'll ever know." She cruelly said although her eyes softened.

"I'll die if I lose you." He blurted out. "I'll die if you hate me."

      She sighed. Just... just exhaled out a huff of air very slowly, excruciatingly shakily. She knew her pain was an imposition to him but she really wished—with every fragment of her heart—that he would understand.

      She stepped away, turning away from him again and placing her palms against her eyes, rubbing the tears away and attempting to stop its flow. She sobbed, a painful and miserable sob. A strained sound from the back of her throat, legs shaky as she leaned against the counter.

      He wrapped his arms around her waist from the back, placing his chin on her shoulder and tightening his embrace.

"I'm sorry," he sighed out shakily, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you, I'd rather die than truly think you're any of those things. I love you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Blondie, I'm sorry." He was frowning deeply, inhales of agony and tears spilling.

      She turned around slowly, clutching onto his collars and shoving him away, and then pulling him closer. She was angry, she was so angry at him but she was in need of love and intimacy and she had nobody else. Sirius noticed this confliction and gripped her shoulders.

"Don't do this to me," she said through gritted teeth, crestfallen tone; she still clutched the fabric of his white shirt tightly, "stop doing this to me, you're killing me." 

      She pushed him and he did not bulge so she pushed him again. The force was not too strong but he let himself lose composure, simply allowing her to shove him against the wall and holding him there. His stomach curled up with horror with himself. 

      If she was going through so much agony for him, the least he could do was let her think she had the upper hand. All she felt was betrayal. Scarlet Bridget handed Sirius Black her heart and begged him to take care of it. All he did was break it, and again, and again. Every time, it hurt just as much.

      Even after all this, she touched him so gently, her dainty fingers felt so soft on his skin.

      They both sank to the kitchen floor in each other's arms. She placed one side of her cheek against his chest. Relentless tears flowing as they stayed kneeling on the tiles. His arms around her tightened as he placed his chin atop her head, he softly played with the ends of her hair that reached her hips.

      Scarlet felt her heart skip a beat and fall right back into rhythm with Sirius'. Their love for each other was engraved so deep into their hearts that they could scratch and bite and leave claw-marks and beg for it to vanish, but the love would always be there.

"I don't hate you," she softly said against his chest, "I love you."

He kissed the side of her head, "I'm sorry," then her cheekbone as he held her face in his freezing hands, "I'm so sorry—" then between her brows, "I'm sorry..." he pecked her lips ever-so-softly and locked eyes with her intensely, "there isn't a single universe where I don't find my way to you. If I had a choice in loving you, I would choose you a thousand times over, Scarlet. There is no other place I'd rather be than in your arms."

      One man. Tom Riddle. One single man was all it took to snatch hundreds of people's happiness, crumble up passionate friendships as though it were a mere piece of paper, break down families into pieces and smash the love in everyone's hearts like glass. Somewhere in the haze of the war, a boy and a girl thought they had found a way. They thought they found a way. 

𝑪𝑨𝑹𝑨 𝑺𝑷𝑬𝑨𝑲𝑺

*sigh* let me know what u think of this chapter.
any demands or wishes, let me know that too.

(they argue so passionately, lmao)

don't forget to spam comment, they make my day <3