Chapter 20

I hate fighting.

I hate being in a fight.

I had been told once that my pride was basically non-existent... ang dali ko raw kasi mag-sorry. I didn't understand what was wrong with that. If I were in the wrong, why would it be hard to apologize? And sometimes, even if I felt like I was not in the wrong, I would still apologize kapag mas important sa akin iyong tao.

I'd rather lose the fight than lose the person.

"I beg of you, pumunta na tayo sa barbershop," I said nung makita ko si Iñigo. Ang haba na nung buhok niya. Kung hindi ko lang siya kilala dati pa, I'd think that this was a different person altogether.

"Madami akong ginagawa," he replied.

I sighed.

Iñigo's smart—probably the smartest person I know—and it just breaks my heart to see him like this. Ang ganda ng trabaho niya noon. I still remember nung makuha niya iyong pinaka-una niyang sweldo—nilibre niya ako. I wanted to tell him na 'wag na kasi hindi naman kailangan, but he looked so proud of himself na pinabayaan ko na siya.

Since then, I'd seen how hard he worked to be where he was...

Tapos biglang ganito ngayon.

Sometimes, it's hard to wake up in the morning when I remember how hard life sucked.

While he was busy working, I picked up the broom at nagsimulang magwalis. I was thankful na maraming kalat sa apartment nila Iñigo. I needed this right now. I kept on reverting back to the night Chester and I had a fight. Iyon yata ang unang seryoso na away namin. Away ba 'yon? It had been three days since we last had a proper conversation. Nagkikita pa rin naman kami sa apartment, but it wasn't like before.

"Gracey."

"What?" I replied while I was still sweeping the floor.

"Ano'ng problema?"

"What?" I replied again, this time, I was already facing him.

"May imaginary kalat ka na naman na winawalis," he pointed out. I sighed because I really couldn't hide anything from him. We basically grew up together. He knew all my telltale signs. And it's not like I was trying to hide it from him.

I sat on one of the boxes. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin tapos si Iñigo sa pagaayos nung mga box. I offered to help him before, but he told me that he wanted to do that alone.

"Kapag nagaaway kayo ni Cha, paano ka nagsosorry?"

"Bakit ako agad nagsosorry?" he asked. "Parang kasalanan ko agad?"

I eyed him. He rolled his eyes. I laughed a little. He didn't even try to deny it.

"Nagaway kayo ni Chester?" he asked.

I shrugged. I didn't want to tell Iñigo kung ano iyong pinagtalunan namin ni Chester. I knew that he'd feel bad kapag nalaman niya. When he first learned about what happened to me, I felt afraid for him... Because he had just lost his parents... He almost lost me... Hindi ko alam kung ano pa ang mangyayari sa kanya kapag sinisi siya ng pamilya ko. They were indifferent with Iñigo for a long time. It costed me several birthday wishes for them to finally come around the idea that it was not Iñigo's fault. But still, I knew that the after effect was a sore spot for them. So, I tried to downplay everything. I never really talked about my dream of having a kid. I knew it was my dream, but I never really discussed it with anyone.

But now, Chester's here.

It's not just a dream anymore.

It could be my reality.

God, this sucked so bad.

"Ikaw ba may kasalanan?" he asked in a playful tone. "Ikaw, noh? Nainis na siguro sa 'yo. Ingay mo kasi minsan."

I frowned at him. "Paano ka nagsosorry?"

He laughed. "So, kasalanan mo nga?"

I shrugged. "Maybe..."

"Malaki 'yan, noh?"

"Secret."

"Di naman nagagalit 'yun si Chester—mas madalas walang pakielam 'yon," he said.

Mas lalo lang tuloy akong na-guilty kasi tama naman siya... Chester had been very patient with me... Ilang beses niya na rin sinabi sa akin na okay lang... Ako lang talaga iyong hindi okay kasi what if isang araw biglang magbago ang isip niya? I didn't want him to regret marrying me... And alam ko naman na kahit ganoon ang mangyayari, hindi ko rin malalaman because Chester would never tell me that. I knew that he'd regret in silence.

He clicked his tongue. "Mataas pride ng mga Viste na 'yan," he replied. "Pero baka madaan mo si Chester sa pagpapa-cute siguro."

"I don't think so..." I said, sighing once again.

Iñigo's forehead creased. I saw him closing his laptop. "Okay ka lang ba?" he asked when he realized that this was a really serious problem and not one of those times na nagrereklamo lang ako sa kanya for fun.

I smiled as I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine," I said. I didn't come here to vent naman kasi ayoko ring pagusapan. I just needed to be around people. Busy iyong parents ko pati si Rhys kaya nandito ako kay Iñigo. If na-contact ko lang si Cha, siya ang tatanungin ko about dito kasi mas kilala niya si Chester... I think.

"Kung anuman problema mo, pagusapan niyo lang 'yan. Iyon lang talaga solusyon sa kahit anong problema," he said.

"We did talk."

"Then pahinga muna tapos usap ulit."

"Thanks..."

He nodded and then stood up. "Tara kain tayo."

"Okay," I said. "But pwede bang dumaan din tayo sa barbershop?" I sincerely asked, but Iñigo just waved his hand. Kailangan ata na si Cha ang makapansin para magpagupit ang isang 'to. Ang haba na talaga ng buhok niya—pwede na namin i-donate .

* * *

Magkasama kami ni Iñigo the whole day. I think ayaw niya rin akong iwanan, pero okay na rin 'yon because Cha kept on telling me na ayain ko si Iñigo lumabas. Indeed, magkasama kami buong araw sa coffeeshop at kung anu-ano lang ang pinagusapan namin like topics nung high school. Kahit ilang beses naming pagusapan 'yon, it never gets boring.

"Hi," I said nung makabalik ako sa apartment at nakita ko na nandun si Chester. Mukhang kanina pa siya nakabalik dahil nakapambahay na damit na siya.

"Hi," he replied.

I stood by the door. I couldn't take even a single step. Gosh. I felt so guilty. I wanted to apologize once again but I knew that it would be wrong because how I felt didn't change...

But I missed being okay with him...

I didn't like this kind of silence.

"Chester," I called after standing there for seconds that felt like hours. I saw him look at me. He had been understanding the past few weeks. It's understandable na naubos na yata iyong pasensya niya sa akin... He was just looking at me, not saying anything at all. "I'm sorry that we fought..."

"We didn't fight."

"We did."

"Away ba 'yon?" he asked. His tone was different from before. Ito ba iyong sarcastic and passive aggressive side niya? I am not a big fan... I missed my sweet boyfriend...

"I don't know..." I said with my eyes on the floor. I didn't want to look at him because I knew that I would just cry. And baka maawa lang siya sa akin. I didn't want him to pity me. I wanted us to get past this, but we couldn't just sweep this under the rug because sooner or later, this will catch up on us.

I heard his footsteps. I quietly listened until I just saw him standing right in front of me. I looked at him and I hated how my tears began to fall at the mere sight of him.

"Can you please hug me?" I asked with tears streaming down my eyes. "I know you're disappointed—"

But I didn't get to finish my sentence as I felt his arms wrapped around me. I silently cried as Chester hugged me. Hindi ko na rin alam kung ano ang iniiyakan ko. Maybe the silence these past three days because I hated that kind of silence with him. I wanted to talk it out pero alam ko na pareho lang iyong pupuntahan namin.

It was frustrating.

It was disappointing.

It was heart-breaking.

"I'm sorry," I whispered against his chest.

"Para san?" he asked.

"Because I'm stubborn."

"Matagal ko ng alam 'yon."

I frowned as I looked up at him. He saw my tear-stained eyes and he wiped them with his thumb. "Ano ba'ng iniiyakan mo?" he asked as he was wiping my tears away.

"Hindi mo kasi ako kinakausap."

"Hindi mo rin ako kinakausap."

"So, ganon? If hindi ako umiyak, walang maguusap?"

He was fighting a smile on his face. I liked how we're okay once again. "No," he said. "You just tell me if you want to talk and we'll talk. Hindi mo kailangang umiyak para kausapin kita."

Chester told me to change my clothes and that he'll prepare our dinner. I didn't tell him na kumain na kami ni Iñigo ng dinner. I'd just eat again because I really missed him kahit nagkikita naman kami nung tatlong araw na 'yon.

I changed into my cotton pajamas. Paglabas ko, nakita ko na nakahanda na iyong table. There was nilaga on the table. I didn't know if niluto niya or what, but I was leaning more on pinadala 'to ni Mama.

We began to eat. While I was eating, I saw Chester looking at me. Hininto ko iyong pagkain and looked at him.

"What?" I asked.

"I thought about it," sabi niya.

"About what?"

"Marriage. And baby."

My lips parted. "Oh..." I said as I felt my heartbeat quickening its pace by the second. But I begged myself not to show any emotion dahil baka maapektuhan ko kung anuman ang sasabihin ni Chester sa akin.

I love him...

And I love him enough to respect whatever he'd tell me...

But I knew myself and I knew that if he decides to leave, a part of me will throw away my pride and will beg him to stay...

Because I know that it's him that I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. And if it's not with him, I know that I will never find this kind of solace and comfort once again.

"Okay," I said with a small smile. "Can you share?"

He was looking at me and it was making me feel nauseous with fear of what's to come. "For the record, I will marry you without any condition," he said and that made my chest hurt. "But... I thought about what you said... and I need to respect your feelings," he continued.

It was weird how I could literally hear my own heart beating.

I wanted to reach for the glass of water but I was afraid that he'd see how badly my hands were shaking.

"I will propose once you're pregnant."

This was what I wanted to happen.

But why did this sound so bad when he said it himself?

"But..." he said at napatingin agad ako sa kanya. "We'll get second, third, fourth opinion. And we'll undergo through whatever fertility treatment. Heck, I even read about this dance in Obando. Pupunta rin tayo 'don if that's what it takes to marry you."

My tears just kept on falling and falling as I fell deeper and deeper for him.

"Gracey," he called as he reached for my hand and held it tightly. "Gracey, I love you... and I want you to be okay... I think you need therapy to process what happened before."

I wiped my tears as I nodded. "I know..."

He held my hand tighter. "Okay..." he said and kept on assuring me that whatever happens, he will always be there for me.