Chapter 18

I was standing beside Iñigo as he was choosing the burial urn for his baby. He told me that he tried to delay this because this felt so permanent—na wala na talaga iyong baby nila ni Cha. And I knew that if he could avoid this, he would never do this... Because who would want to do this? Sino ba ang magulang na gustong maglibing ng anak nila? And Cha's not even here to hold his hand...

If there's indeed hell, I sincerely hope that whoever did this to their unborn child would burn there.

"Ikaw na lang pumili. Hindi ko talaga kaya," he told me before he walked out of the room.

Huminga ako nang malalim. I chose a light blue colored burial urn for their baby. Iñigo said that the baby's name would probably be Dylan kasi iyon lang daw ang maganda sa mga pagpipilian nila ni Cha... God... I was sure that Iñigo would have been a great father—I was sure that he would try to do everything right because he knew how it felt like to have everything wrong.

Tito Fred arrived shortly after. A small ceremony was held. Kami-kami lang iyong nandon. Dylan would be buried in the family plot katabi nung Mama nila Chester, pero dahil tulog pa si Cha, doon muna sa columbarium... Mabilis lang iyong ceremony. A short prayer was spoken. After that, isa-isa na silang nagalisan.

"Mauna na ako," Chester said.

"I'll stay here," I replied as I looked at Iñigo who was just staring at the place where his child was kept. Chester just nodded at me.

Tumingin siya kay Iñigo. "Take as much time as you need," he told me bago siya umalis.

We stayed here for a while. Iñigo was just standing there, not moving nor saying anything. Hindi rin naman ako makapagsalita kasi hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko... Because no matter how many times I'd done it, I would never be able to get used to informing parents about the death of their kids... I would always be haunted by the looks on their faces, by the sound of their cries. Ito siguro iyong pinakaayaw ko na parte ng trabaho ko. Because no parent should ever go through this—no parent should ever bury their child. The pain is insurmountable.

Tumingin siya sa akin. "Paano ko sasabihin kay Cha?"

"There's no good way to tell her," I told him.

He sadly smiled at me. "At least... at least kasama niya na iyong mga lola at lolo niya," sabi niya bago kami nagsimulang maglakad palabas ng sementeryo.

When we arrived back at the hospital, Iñigo told me that he'd go to Cha. Dumiretso ako sa locker para magpalit ng damit. I missed a lot of duty already, pero kahit siguro pagalitan ako, wala muna akong pakielam. I love my job, but it's not the most important thing in the world for me. Family will always take priority.

I began my duty. Nung nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataon na magpahinga, dumiretso ako doon sa vacant room na lagi naming pinupuntahan ni Chester. He once told me it was haunted, but never naman akong nakaramdam doon. It was comforting more than anything. Mas nakakatakot iyong buhay na kayang manakit kaysa sa patay.

I tried to take a nap, but my mind wouldn't let me. Paulit-ulit na naiisip ko iyong itsura ni Iñigo. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya icocomfort dahil kahit mga magulang ng pasyente ko hindi ko alam... Kaya nga mas bumabawi ako sa pagbibigay ng regalo sa mga bata kasi iyon iyong may kaya kong gawin...

"Kamusta si Inigo?" Chester asked when I heard the opening of the door.

"Bad," I replied.

Naupo siya sa may dulo ng kama. Nakatingin lang ako sa ceiling. I sighed kasi iyon na lang ang kaya kong gawin ngayon. I was tired of questioning life; I was tired of questioning why did this need to happen...

"Sa tingin mo ba papayag siya kung sa 'tin muna siya matulog?" he asked.

"Really?" tanong ko sa kanya habang napaupo na ako sa kama.

He nodded. "Ang daming nangyayari."

I couldn't even find a way to reply to what he said. Ang dami kasi talagang nangyari. Iñigo also recommended the dismissal of the case. As far as I knew, he was forced to tender resignation dahil sa ginawa niya. It was a big case. And I knew that he was under a lot of fire because of what he did.

"I'll try to ask," I told him. "But thank you."

"For what?"

"For caring about him," I replied. "Iñigo's already a family to me."

"He's also family for me," he said. "Tatay ng pamangkin ko."

I felt a pain pierce through my heart. God... I would've spoiled that kid rotten. I would've loved him like my own. I wished we met...

"I can't imagine what he's going through right now," Chester said and then there was a somber look on his face. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking but I didn't think I was in the right head space to be of any help. I was trying to get by, as well... I was barely staying afloat...

* * *

The next few weeks were quiet.

Nagising na si Cha, but they got in a huge fight. Umuwi si Cha sa bahay nila also because Tito Fred demanded na doon muna siya. Chester, for the first time in years, visited their house again para makita si Cha.

"Do you want me to go with you?" I asked him because I didn't want him to be in a fight with Tito Fred. Marami ng iniisip si Cha... Ayoko na isipin niya pa kapag nagaway iyong tatay niya and iyong kapatid niya.

"Why?" he asked. "Akala ko may duty ka?"

"I know but I can swap naman," sabi ko. "Do you want me to go with you?"

Umiling siya. "Hindi ko aawayin si Papa," he replied.

"Wala akong sinabi na ganon."

"But that's what you're thinking," he said like he could read my mind.

I sighed. "Fine," I replied. "I'm just worried—not for you but for Cha. She's got a lot on her plate right now para dagdagan niyo pa ni Tito Fred."

"I know," he said. "And..." he added but he failed to continue what he wanted to say.

"And what?" I asked because ganito siya kapag may gusto siyang sabihin pero hindi niya masabi. Because sometimes, Chester needed a little nudging.

"Just... seeing Iñigo bury his child," sabi niya sa mababang boses. "Maybe Papa didn't bury us, but imagine losing all your children just the same."

Natigilan ako.

Hindi ko alam kung ano iyong isasagot.

He gave me a shrug. "Weirdly, it put things into perspective," he continued before he kissed me and left para pumunta sa bahay nila.

After that, I cleaned the whole house and busied myself. Ayoko rin naman na kulitin si Iñigo if kailangan niya ako kasi he'd tell me naman if gusto niya akong makausap or what. I didn't want to be overbearing kahit sa totoo lang, gusto ko na siyang kidnapin tapos dito muna siya sa amin ni Chester until I could be sure na okay na siya.

But life's not like that at all.

I badly wanted to be positive, but lately, all I could really think of was how shitty life was...

* * *

"Take care of him," Cha said.

"I will," I replied. "Take care yourself."

Tumango siya. "I will."

"Can I hug you?"

"Five seconds," she replied and that made me laugh a little because at the very least, that sounded like the old her... God, it felt good to laugh. Parang ang tagal na nung huli akong natawa.

Cha didn't want anyone na ihatid siya sa airport, but I think hindi siya nanalo sa mga kapatid niya because ihahatid siya nina Ahia, Chester, Charlie, and Chase. As much as I wanted na ihatid si Cha, I understood na kailangan nila 'tong magkakapatid.

"Anong food gusto mo?" I asked Chester.

"Oorder ka?"

"No, magluluto ako," I said, but Chester looked at me like he didn't believe what I just said. I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I will order. Happy?"

Natawa siya nang kaunti. "Chinese food," he replied.

"Got it," I said kasi if iyon, alam ko na agad kung ano iyong usual order ni Chester because this is a creature of habit—at least when it came to food.

Umalis na sila papunta sa airport. I ordered food na para if dumating si Chester ay may pagkain na. I'd just reheat later. Naglinis na lang ako ng apartment namin kasi lately talaga, ayoko ng idle time kasi kung anu-ano pumapasok sa isip ko. Pero nasobrahan ata ako sa pagiging focused kasi halos mapatalon ako nung maramdaman ko iyong paghawak ni Chester sa balikat ko.

"I'm sorry," sabi niya kasi nagulat niya ako.

Umiling ako. "It's fine," I said. "Si Cha?"

"Magtetext daw kapag boarding na," he replied.

"Oh, okay. Reheat ko lang 'yung food."

Naglinis ng katawan si Chester while I prepared our food. Paglabas niya, nakaayos na pati iyong table. We began to eat in silence. Walang gustong magsalita. Kahit ganoon, ramdam ko na pagod kaming pareho.

I wished things would go back to the way it was, but I knew that it was silly to think so.

"Gracey," he called.

"Yes?"

"Do you want to have kids?" tanong niya.

Natigilan ako. "What?"

"Kids," he said. "Do you want kids?"

"Why are you asking?"

He shrugged. "I don't know..."

"Do you want kids?" I asked him.

"I think."

"Oh."

"Why? Ayaw mo ba?" he asked.

"I want to."

"Oh. Okay," sabi niya.

"Chester."

"Yes?"

Huminga ako nang malalim. "I know... I know you know about what happened to me before," I said. Sumeryoso iyong tingin niya. I drew an even deeper breath.

I should've told him this right at the beginning. It was unfair for him na ngayon ko lang sasabihin...

"You don't have to tell me—"

Umiling ako. "No, I want to."

"Gracey—"

"You know I was stabbed, right?"

Hindi siya nagsalita. Maybe it was for the best kasi hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako sasagot kung may tanong man siya. Kasi ang tagal ko ring tinanong... Na bakit kailangang mangyari sa akin? Bakit?

"I was told before that if I wanted kids, it's going to be hard," I said and every word felt like boulders on my shoulders. I felt my eyes stinging. I felt really guilty. I should've told him before. Hindi ngayon na mahal niya na ako. Paano kung gusto niya ng anak tapos hindi ko mabigay? Kasi gusto ko rin naman... pero paano kung hindi ko kaya? It's so unfair...

Tumungo ako. "I'm sorry..." I told him as the tears began to fall. Ni hindi ko na makita iyong table dahil nanlalabo na iyong mga mata ko. I felt like guilt eating me alive... Kasi gusto ni Chester ng family... And I love him so much... Pero paano kung hindi ko mabibigay sa kanya? Do I love him enough to let him go? Kakayanin ko ba na makita siya na may kasamang iba?

"I'm sorry, Chester... I've been selfish..."

But instead of getting mad at me, I felt his arms around me. I felt him hugging me tightly like he didn't want to ever let me go.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Never apologize," he told me. "It's not your responsibility to give me kids."

"I want to... pero paano kung hindi pwede?"

"We'll adopt. Or we'll get pets. I don't know. But even if it's just the two of us, we're already family. Always remember that," he told me that just made me cry even harder.  

**
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