Chapter 17

"Hi," I said when I opened the door and saw Chester sitting on the couch. He was holding a can of beer.

"Sorry," he said as he stood up and walked towards the trash can.

"It's fine," sabi ko sa kanya.

"No. I'm sorry," sabi niya.

We never talked about what happened to me before and he never really asked so hindi ko alam kung ano ang alam niya. Ayoko rin namang pagusapan as much as possible. Kagaya lang din nung sa dad niya. Same kami na may mga bagay na sinasarili lang namin. And since that night nung med mission, hindi ko na ulit nakita si Chester na umiinom. Whenever na may lakad din o kung anuman with work friends, sumasama naman siya minsan pero never siyang umuwi na amoy alcohol. I knew that that had something to do with me. And I was grateful for that.

"Si Iñigo?" he asked.

"He's... I don't know," I replied.

I'd known Iñigo for almost all my life. I'd seen him happy, mad, sad, but nitong mga nakaraang araw? I was seeing a different side of him. And I couldn't even get mad at him because I totally understood why he was doing that.

It's family.

And I knew he'd do anything for family because family's something that Iñigo had wanted for so long.

"Si Cha ba?" I asked. I wanted to go see her, but the situation was complicated at ayaw ko na makigulo pa. Nandun si Tito. I had seen him a lot of times, pero iyong kahapon lang iyong first time na makita ko siya na may ganoong emotion and expression sa mukha. Nakita ko rin iyong ibang kapatid ni Chester.

It was... quite a reunion.

Hindi sumagot si Chester. Ibinaba ko iyong gamit ko. Naglakad ako papunta sa couch at mauupo sana roon sa tabi niya. I could handle the smell of alcohol, but I just didn't like that lingering around for too long because it brings back unwanted memories.

"Jury's still out," he replied.

I didn't know what to say. Instead, I just reached for his hand and held it tightly so that he'd know na nandito lang ako for him.

"Gusto mong pumunta bukas?" he asked.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Hindi ako nakasagot agad. I wanted to go, of course. I wanted to be there for Cha and Iñigo. They're my friends. They're my family... But I didn't think that it would be best kung pupunta ako roon. The emotion from both sides were at an all-time high. And... ayokong makita si Cha na ganon. Because the situation felt all too familiar. I didn't want to spiral. I didn't want to make it about me kung bigla akong magkaroon ng panic attack.

I felt him squeezing my hand.

"It's okay," he said. "Sabihan kita kapag nagising na siya."

"I'm sorry..." mahinang sabi ko.

I knew I should be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. I just... couldn't. And I hated myself for not being well enough to be there for him.

Because even though I am already fine physically, the scars are still there. Hindi pa rin ako makalakad magisa kapag madilim sa daan. I still feel chills crawling up my spine kapag may maririnig ako na malakas na tawanan tuwing may inuman. The smell of beer still scares me a bit.

Back then, ni hindi ako makalabas. But I missed living... And I had my entire family to help me cope. So, I got better... but I knew I was not completely like how I was before.

I'm still scared.

I just learned how to handle myself better, but that didn't mean that I am totally fine now.

How I wish I am... but it's not as easy as that.

"For what?" he asked.

"Because I can't be there."

"You're here now," he replied.

"You know what I'm talking about."

He squeezed my hand. "Well, it's the thought that counts," he told me with a small smile on his face. But even then, ramdam na ramdam ko iyong pagod niya sa mga nangyayari.

We stayed and savored the silence. Masyadong maingay ngayon. Ang daming nangyari na ni minsan hindi ko naisip na pwede palang mangyari. Rhys told me that Iñigo's playing a dangerous game... pero hindi ko naisip na pwede palang dumating sa punto na gagawin nila 'yung ginawa nila.

I wanted to always believe in the goodness in everyone... but things like this reminds me that sometimes, people are just bad. They'd do anything to get what they want, never mind the consequences of their actions.

* * *

We probably were so tired na doon na kami nakatulog sa couch. I woke up earlier than Chester. He was probably so tired sa lahat nung nangyari nitong mga nakaraang araw. I tried my hardest not to make a sound as I prepared to go to work, but I did not succeed dahil nakita ko na nagising din siya.

"I ordered food. Nasa table na," I said kasi sure ako na wala na sa amin ang may energy maghanda pa ng kakainin.

"Thank you," he replied.

I gave him a smile. "I will really try to visit Cha," sabi ko sa kanya.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Wag mong pilitin kung 'di mo kaya," he replied.

"I know..." I said. "But I really want to be there."

Iñigo needed me.

Cha needed me.

And Chester needed me.

I just needed to find a way to push through this... one way or another, I needed to find a way to be there for them.

He sighed as he nodded. "Okay."

I looked at him. "Ikaw? Will you be okay today?" I asked him because I knew na nandun palagi si Tito Fred and Chester's not his biggest fan.

"I'm okay," he said.

"Si Tito Fred," I replied.

He shrugged. "Wanna hear my thoughts?" he asked.

"Of course."

"It'll probably be disappointing," he said.

I shrugged. "Still want to know," I told him.

"I just... find it a bit hypocritical of Dad. He was so mad at Iñigo for what happened."

I bit my lower lip. I knew that this would happen that's why I wanted to be there for him...

"Galit ka rin ba kay Iñigo?" I asked him. I was scared of my own question kasi paano if galit din siya kay Iñigo? I knew I told him that I'd always be on his side, but this would be a really tough one...

"No," he said. "It's not like he asked for this to happen."

Nakahinga ako nang maluwag.

"What? Akala mo galit ako sa kanya?" he asked.

"No," I said. "But... I don't know... She's your sister..."

"I know," sagot niya. "She's my sister. I know her. She's stubborn and hardheaded. Not saying that Cha caused what happened to her, but that Iñigo's not to blame for what happened. May sariling isip si Cha."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

"But dad... He acts like he'd murder the person who did that to Cha... I mean, this is probably an upgrade from him being missing in action nung si Mama iyong nasa hospital."

I looked at Chester.

This... was a different version of him.

This was him being angry.

He was lying to himself when he told me that he was indifferent towards his dad because here he was, very angry at him for what happened then and what happened now.

"I'm sorry," he said nang makita niya ako na nakatingin sa kanya. "I told you—disappointing."

Instead of answering, I bridged the gap between up and wrapped my arms around him. Naramdaman ko iyong pagkagulat niya.

"You're not disappointing," I whispered against his chest. "You're human. It's human to be angry. It's okay..."

We stayed there for a few minutes.

No one was talking, but with us, silence was comforting.

* * *

I tried a couple of times to visit Cha, but every time na malapit na ako sa pintuan, I always turned around and walk away. I was so disappointed with myself... I wanted to be there to talk to her. Nung ako kasi iyong nasa kalagayan niya, Rhys told me that he always talked to me kahit tulog ako. He really believed na nagising ako dahil sa walang katapusan na kwento niya. Maybe. Kasi iyong ibang sinabi niya sa akin, I remember dreaming about those.

I wanted to talk to Cha, too.

"Gracey... right?"

Natigilan ako nung tawagin ako ni Joey. I was familiar with her. The world for us doctors is small. "Yes," I said. "Why?"

"Best friend ka ni Iñigo, tama ba?"

I nodded. "Why? Anong nangyari sa kanya?" I asked, panic slowly starting to crawl up my system.

Mabilis siyang umiling. "I'm sorry. I probably scared you. He's fine... But I think you should go see him."

"Oh... Okay," sabi ko sa kanya. "Thank you," I added because I knew that as much as she wanted to tell me more, hindi niya magawa because it would violate our oath.

I tried to call Iñigo, pero hindi siya sumasagot. I was getting more worried. Dumiretso ako sa room ni Cha. I drew a deep breath as I got inside.

"Iñigo..." I said as I saw him sitting by the couch. Nakasandal iyong ulo niya and he was blankly staring at the ceiling above him. I knew he heard me, but he was probably so tired...

I stood there, not really certain about what it was that I should do, that I could do... I hoped that my presence was enough... Ni hindi ako makatingin kay Cha... Paano pa si Iñigo?

"Pakiramdam ko talaga..." bigla niyang sabi. My heart throbbed when I saw him wipe the tears that fell down from the side of his eyes. "Pakiramdam ko talaga sinumpa ako..."

"Iñigo—"

"Si Mama namatay... Si Papa..." Huminga siya nang malalim. Tinakpan niya ng mga kamay niya iyong mukha niya. "Kapag nawala pati si Cha... Hindi ko na talaga alam, Gracey... Pagod na rin ako..."

I forced myself to go to him. Naupo ako sa tabi niya. I reached for his hand and held it.

"She'll be fine..." I said as I looked at Cha. "Look at her... She looks like she's just sleeping... Remember nung sinabi mo sa akin dati na kamukha niya si Snow White kasi ang puti niya tapos black na black iyong hair niya?"

Hindi nagsalita si Iñigo. I just stayed there beside him. Hindi ako umalis kahit na kanina ko pa nararamdaman iyong phone ko. I needed to be here. I just wanted to be selfish for a little while and sit here with my best friend.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal doon.

"Balik ka na sa trabaho mo," he said. His eyes looked so tired. He looked like he lost weight.

"Okay... pero babalik ako dito kapag free ako..."

Tumango siya. "Gracey," sabi niya nung tumayo ako. I stopped and looked at him. "Bukas 'yung sa libing nung baby."

My heart constricted inside my chest.

"Kung free ka, pwede mo ba akong samahan?"

"Iñigo, parang tanga... Syempre sasamahan kita," sabi ko sa kanya.

I couldn't leave him like this. I left him for a while para magsabi na hindi ako makakapagduty ngayon. I was lucky that they were very understanding of the situation. I also tried to call Chester, but he wasn't replying, so instead, I sent him a text saying na kasama ko si Iñigo.

Pagbalik ko roon, nakita ko na nandun din sila Jax and their other friends. I turned my back around and saw Chester. I almost ran towards him to hug him.

"I'm sorry it took me this long," I said as I hugged him. Seeing Iñigo that way... I wished I was here sooner... For him... For Chester...

I felt him hugging me. "What's important is that you're here now," he replied as I felt him hugging me back.

**
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