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#MY15 Chapter 15

The next day, we just went to different museums. Ang daming museums dito. And then we ate in different cafés. Levi made me try different food and desserts. Okay naman iyong macaron and crepe nila rito, but sobrang winner talaga nung croissant! Naka-kain naman na ako nun sa Pinas, pero ewan ko, iba talaga 'yung dito. Ito na ata iyong araw-araw kong kina-kain dito.

"Cap!"

Nanlaki bahagya iyong mga mata ko nang makita ko iyong si Athena—iyong flight attendant na naka-usap ko. She was with 2 different women na I assumed were flight attendants, too.

"Hey," sagot ni Levi na naka-tayo sa tabi ko.

God, they're beautiful. Bakit kaya nagsettle si Levi—before—sa gaya ko? When he's surrounded by these gorgeous women all the time?

Talaga, Yanyan? Sa Paris ka pa nagself-pity?

Imbes na sumagot ay napa-tingin sa akin si Athena. Bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya na para bang inaalala kung saan niya ako nakita. I just awkwardly smiled at her hanggang sa manlaki ang mga mata niya nang maalala kung saan kami nagkita.

"Ikaw 'yung nasa flight, right?" she asked.

"Yup," I just said.

"Wait... You were in the flight?" Levi asked, looking at me with confusion painted on his face.

"Magka-kilala kayo, Cap?" Athena asked.

"You were in the flight?" Levi asked again, still looking at me and waiting for confirmation. I just simply nodded. "You knew I was there?" he asked again.

"Yup," I replied. "Narinig ko sa announcement iyong pangalan mo."

I omitted the fact that my panties got in a twist when I heard the frigging announcement—Captain Leandro Aurelious Mejia. Ang hot, leche!

"And you didn't tell me."

"Duh, nasa cockpit ka."

"You're unbelievable."

"Bakit ka ba galit?" I asked pero natigilan ako nang mapansin ko na may audience pala kaming dalawa. I looked at the 3 gorgeous women in front of us and smiled. Mukhang napansin din ni Levi kaya tumigil siya.

"Sorry about that," he said to them.

"No worries, Cap," sagot nung isang babae habang naka-tingin sila sa akin. Siguro iniisip na nila na ako iyong jowa ng Captain nila tutal may chismis naman daw na may jowa na si Levi kaya 'di na nagma-milehigh club.

"Uh... una na po kami," sabi ni Athena na parang kanina pa gustong umalis. Baka nahihiya dahil nagsabi pa naman siya sa akin na type niya si Levi tapos biglang ako pala iyong babae. Kung ako man siya, mahihiya din ako, e. But I don't judge naman. Gets ko naman siya. Unang kita ko pa lang kay Levi dati gusto ko ng sunggaban, e.

Mabilis na umalis iyong 3 babae. Naka-tingin ako sa kanila habang papaalis sila dahil ang cute ng outfits nila. Parang gusto ko rin tuloy mag-outfit kahit once! Kasi laging thermal pants and thermal long sleeves, and the same black winter coat lang ang suot ko. E itong si Levi akala mo laging rarampa sa Winter Catalogue fashion show sa mga outfit, e. Ngayon naka-suot siya ng black pants, black turtle neck, pati black long coat, tapos white sneakers.

He's so hot.

Ridiculously hot.

"San makaka-bili ng coat dito?" I asked.

"What?" tanong niya na kunot noo na naman.

"Iyong gaya nung suot nila," I replied. "Gusto ko rin nun."

"What?" tanong niya ulit.

"Ang ganda nila," I said. "Ngayon, nagdududa na ako sa taste mo," I continued tapos naglakad ako. Sinabayan niya ako. "How can you propose to me kung may ganoon ka kagagandang ka-trabaho? Siguro kaya hindi mo sila sinama nung party dahil ayaw mong ma-insecure ako, no?"

Patuloy lang ako sa paglalakad, pero napa-hinto ako nang mapansin ko na mag-isa na lang pala akong naglalakad. I turned around and saw Levi standing a couple of feet away from me. Mabilis akong naglakad pabalik sa kanya.

"What?"

"Are you seriously being insecure now?" he asked.

Natawa ako. "Grabe. What's wrong with appreciating other women's beauty? Maganda naman talaga sila," I said. 'Di naman ako bulag, no. Kapag maganda, maganda. Kung masama ang ugali, e 'di masama ang ugali, but that wouldn't change the fact na physically speaking, maganda talaga.

"I didn't bring them to the party because they're not my friends," he said, instead. "I work with them, that's it."

"Okay?" I replied, confused dahil parang inaaway niya ako.

"And what's wrong with how you look?" sabi niya ulit. "I can't believe I'm hearing this from you."

"Whoa. What the hell is happening?"

"You're literally the most forward and confident person I know. So, you tell me what's happening right now?"

I blinked in confusion. "What? Sinabi ko lang naman na maganda sila."

"You also said that you can't believe I proposed to you. God, before it's about my lola. Now, it's about them. Can't I just propose because I'm fucking in love with you?" he asked, his ears slightly red from anger?

Pero bago pa man ako maka-sagot sa kanya ay naglakad at nilagpasan ako ni Levi. Parang tanga! Magagalit tapos magwawalkout! Move ko 'yun!

It took me a few seconds bago naka-galaw. I ran para maabutan siya. Pero kahit na naabutan ko siya ay nahihirapan pa rin ako dahil ang bilis niyang maglakad and unfair naman dahil mas malaki naman ang hakbang niya sa akin!

"Are you mad?"

"No."

"Oh, come on."

"Then yes."

Napa-irap ako.

"At bakit ka galit?"

"Because apparently, there's a million reason for me proposing other than just me, being in love."

"Do you really love me?" tanong ko. Agad siyang napa-hinto. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Shet. Mali na naman ata ang sinabi ko! "I mean... sure, you say you love me... pero bakit?"

It was weird.

We were in front of the Notre Dame. It was recently destroyed by the fire, but it was being rebuilt... Weird. Parang kami ni Levi. We were recently destroyed...

But were we being rebuilt?

O mas pinapa-lala ko lang sa mga sinasabi ko?

"Julienne, you're not hard to love—in fact, it's very easy to love you."

I looked at him.

And I felt the stinging in my eyes.

"And you're beautiful, okay? Don't you look at the mirror?"

Pinahid ko iyong luha ko. "Minsan lang. Busy ako sa trabaho."

He laughed and tousled my hair. "Know what? You look most beautiful when you're wearing your coat. And my favorite image of you was when I saw you straddling that one patient—"

"Grabe naman sa straddling!

"Well, you were sitting over him."

"I was performing CPR!"

"I know. And that was awesome," he said, then cupping my face. "You're awesome."

Hindi ko mapigilang mapa-ngiti.

"So, stop second guessing yourself, okay? You're beautiful and smart and though sometimes incredibly frustrating, but that's just part of your charm, believe me."

I felt my heart beating wildly inside my chest.

I just wanted to...

Maybe beg.

Na kami na lang ulit.

"You will make some guy feel extremely blessed to have you," he said, smiling and then he pinched my nose. "Let's go eat. I'm famished," he continued before he began walking.

My smile fell.

But then this was my doing.

I should just suck it up.

* * *

We ended up eating in some fancy restaurant. I paid for it—I insisted dahil instead na nagpapahinga siya, sinamahan niya ako buong araw.

We talked about other things.

I didn't want to ponder about us—or the lack thereof.

Baka nga kasi hanggang dito lang talaga.

Maybe before there was a chance... but that was gone already.

Maybe I could've been his... but I ruined it already.

I just needed to do the mature thing and move forward.

"I'm freaking tired," I said while we're walking home. Kanina ay busog pa ako sa kinain namin, pero ngayon ay parang na-digest ko na lahat nun dahil sa sobrang pagod.

"You wanna take a cab?" he asked.

Umiling ako. Pagod na ako, sure, but I was enjoying this walk with him. Kasi baka this was as good as I was gonna get with him. Mukhang ayaw niya na rin kasi talaga. Napagod na ata. Nung una ay na-badtrip ako dahil bakit naman na-timing-an ko na may strike dito sa Paris? Ayan tuloy, naglalakad lang kami ni Levi palagi. If may bus naman, pahirapan maghintay.

"You sure?" he asked again.

"Yeah," I replied. But can we sit for a while?"

Naupo kami ni Levi doon sa mga concrete bench sa harap ng Seine River. Ang ganda-ganda talaga rito. Everything in Paris looked like a scene straight from the movies. Ultimo daan lang at buildings, sobrang ganda na. Baka ma-disappoint ako pagbalik ko sa Pilipinas dahil sobrang tumaas ata ang standards ko rito.

"Do you have any idea where you wanna go tomorrow?" he asked habang naka-tingin kaming pareho sa dumadaan na ferry sa harap namin. There were people in bikes. Parang ang sarap i-try.

"Sure ka bang wala kang pupuntahan bukas?"

"Why?"

"I don't wanna impose."

And the more time I spend with him, mas nanghihinayang lang ako.

He arched his brow. "Really now?"

I nodded. "Syempre, nakaka-hiya."

"You know I'm not a doctor, but you're like... 2 different persons," he said. "Sometimes you're... this person. Other times, you're so crass and vulgar and shocking," he continued, now looking at me directly with his forehead creased. "Have you tried going to a doctor for that?"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Are you trying to diagnose me?"

"What? No. I'm just seriously confused and bewildered. It's hard to know which one I'm with," he said in a defensive stance. "But you know? Never mind."

Hindi agad ako nagsalita.

Hindi ko alam kung sasabihin ko ba—o kung dapat ko pa bang sabihin kasi tapos naman na kami.

But Levi's been really nice to me...

Maybe he deserved at least some honesty.

To know why I felt like I was hard to love.

"Let's go," he said, standing up.

"Wait lang," sabi ko bago pa man siya maka-tayo.

"What?" he asked, his forehead creased.

I tapped the space he left. "I have a confession," I said.

"Okay..." sabi niya habang bahagya pa ring naka-kunot ang noo habang naka-tingin sa akin. He sat down and looked at me. "What confession? Is it of your undying love?"

I rolled my eyes. Natawa siya. "When I first met you, remember that?" I asked.

He nodded. "Yeah. Niana's birthday."

Tumango rin ako. "I just got dumped that night," I said. His lips parted first, but he was quick to remove that look of pity on his face. Ngumiti na lang ako. Ayoko talaga ng kina-aawaan. "I mean, I don't know if the term dump is right kasi like 1 month pa lang naman kaming nagde-date," paliwanag ko. "But that's not the point. The point is, I've been doing this for a while, and I always get the same reason—that I'm too loud, too honest, just too much for all the guys I dated."

"Julienne—"

Umiling ako. "Let me finish first. Please?" He sighed and nodded. "Thank you," I replied with a smile. I just needed to tell him this kasi ayoko naman na isipin niya na bipolar ako o may split personality ako.

Maybe I lied.

But there's a reason.

Kagaya nung sa kanya.

I got mad at him...

Hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya.

"So, when I met you that night, I immediately found you attractive. I mean, look at you," sabi ko, but there was no hint of amusement on his face. He just looked serious. Bahagyang salubong ang kilay niya na para bang seryoso siyang nakikinig sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko.

Huminga akong muli nang malalim.

"You know what happened that night—you were there," I continued. "It's not like I lied or anything. I just... toned down who I really am," I explained. "I was just afraid that like the other guys, you'd run the opposite direction because..." I smiled as I took a really deep breath. "I'm just too much."

Nagbaling ako ng tingin.

Nagpahid ng luha.

Bakit ba ako naiiyak?!

"So... I'm sorry. I'm sorry if how I act now confuses you. I'm sorry if I got mad at you for something that I probably did, too. I just realized what a hypocrite I am dahil nagalit ako sa bagay na ginawa ko rin pala. I sincerely apologize, Levi."

Ni hindi ko magawang tumingin sa kanya. I was just afraid that he'd get mad at me the way I got mad at him. And I wouldn't blame him kasi alam ko iyong pakiramdam na pinagsinungalingan. It just sucked.

Seconds passed.

Then it turned into minutes.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumayo.

"I understand if hindi mo na ako sasamahan bukas," I said, looking at him and smiling. "I just thought you deserved some honesty from me..." And I took few steps away from him. "We were something great, don't you think?" I asked before I turned around and began walking away. 

***

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