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#MY09 Chapter 09

"Fine. One question," I told Niles na kanina pa naka-titig sa akin. For a week, I managed to dodge every question na tinatanong niya sa akin about Levi. The week before, hindi naman siya nagtatanong dahil wala rin naman akong sinasabi. Ayoko lang sabihin habang hindi pa ako totally over dahil malamang sa malaman, ita-trashtalk ko lang si Levi. And I didn't want to put her in an awkward position dahil friend ni Marcus si Levi.

Minsan talaga peste talaga 'yang mga lalaki na 'yan, e. Pagkatapos ng sarap, puro sakit binibigay.

"Are you okay?" she asked carefully like I was some fragile doll.

"Not yet, but I'll be fine soon."

"You want to stay sa bahay namin? Maybe Nini can help you," she offered. The thought of my very cute inaanak was so tempting. Nakaka-wala ng pagod 'yung batang 'yun! Napaka-cute talaga. Sadly, mukhang on the way na ako sa pagiging cat lady.

Maybe I needed to buy a cat already.

Para at least ngayon pa lang, ma-train ko na siya.

"Thanks for the offer, but may lakad ako next week."

"Ha? Saan?"

"Remember 'yung research ko na sinasabi ko sa 'yo before?" I asked and she nodded. Of course hindi niya malilimutan iyon dahil sobrang binida ko sa kanya iyong research ko. 'Di naman kasi ako sobrang ma-research na tao, but I was so interested in the topic so I really put in a lot of work there. "I submitted those before and I received an email few weeks ago about the possibility of me presenting sa isang conference."

"That's great! Saan? And pwede bang pumunta?"

"South Korea," I answered. "And I'm not sure kung makaka-alis ka dito."

"What? Ang exciting naman! So proud of you!" she said. Mabuti na lang mukhang na-distract siya sa usapang Levi. Sa totoo lang, ayoko siyang pag-usapan. Balak ko ngang magpanggap na lang kay Niles na namatay na si Levi, pero asa naman kasi friend din nila. Ang gulo rin naman kasi nitong si Levi! Nagtanong pa kay Marcus tungkol sa akin, ayan tuloy nalaman pa ni Niles. Paka-chismoso nitong si Nicolas, e.

"Hindi ako magbabakasyon 'dun, gaga," sabi ko sa kanya dahil kulang na lang ata ay maglista siya ng mga pinapa-bili niyang skin care. Dami-daming pera ng asawa niya, e! Ayaw doon magpa-bili!

"Sige na. Grabe naman 'to. Parang others."

"Magpe-present ako ng research 'dun."

"Buong araw ka ba magpe-present?"

Napa-irap ako. "Fine. Pero 3 items lang."

Umirap din siya. "Fine. Sasabihin ko kapag napag-isipan ko na kung ano," sabi niya na parang masama pa ang loob. Sarap saktan nito. Ang demanding, ha. Pasalamat siya cute si Nini.

I resumed eating. Kailangan ko pang magbasa ng case study and lumabas lang ako sa lib para kumain dahil nagugutom na ako. Nasaktuhan naman ako ni Niles na nandito.

"Si Levi," she said.

I rolled my eyes. "Levi na naman."

"E 'di mo pa kasi kinu-kwento talaga! Maybe you need to tell the story? Malay mo maka-bawas sa dinadala mo."

"Dina-dala ka d'yan. I'm not some teenager na first time maka-ranas ng heartbreak—"

"Heartbreak! Aha! So mahal mo nga?"

Saksakin ko na 'tong si Nileen ng tinidor, e. "I don't know. Maybe. Ewan. Papayag ba akong magpakasal kung walang possibility?" sunud-sunod na sagot ko sa kanya. "But then, tapos na."

"Tapos na? As in iyon na 'yun?"

I nodded. "Remember nung tinaguan mo si Marcus before because you thought he's not over Joey? Kasi ayaw mo ng hassle? Ganun din 'yung sa 'kin."

She rested her back against the seat and crossed her arms. "I think magka-iba tayo, my dear Yanyan. Hindi ko tinaguan si Marcus, okay. I directly told him lang kung ano ang ayokong mangyari—and we were both very clear. Had I shut him down and hid from him kagaya ng ginagawa mo kay Levi, malamang wala kami rito ngayon."

I merely shrugged. "Well, not everyone gets the traditional happy ending," I replied. "Maybe my life is really meant to be dedicated inside the hospital."

I mean... that didn't sound so bad, really. I love my work. And it's different everyday—hindi mo alam kung sino ang magiging pasyente mo. There's nothing predictable about my work. Hindi ako mabobore, for sure.

And sa sex?

Please.

Kung iyon lang ang hanap ko, ang dali-daling maghanap ng kakalabitin dito sa ospital. Baka sumama na lang ako sa fish bowl nung mga tao rito.

"But did you even listen to him?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Kinausap ka ba niya?"

"Well..." she said, pouting a little. "Pumunta siya sa bahay, e! Tinatanong ka."

"Ang stalker."

"Grabe! Concerned lang iyong tao sa 'yo!"

"Concerned? Okay naman ako. Functioning pa rin naman."

"From my perspective, you look like you're in shock—na parang mataas pa rin ang adrenaline hanggang ngayon na hindi mo pa rin nararamdaman iyong sakit."

I merely snorted. Sinasabi ng gagang 'to. I bawled my eyes out that night. Kaya nga nung kinabukasan ay pumasok akong naka-shades kahit mukha akong tanga. I could've pretended that I was sick, but that would be irresponsible.

And I needed to push through.

That's the only way around this.

Thankfully, my pager vibrated kaya naman mabilis kong iniwan si Niles dahil wala akong energy pag-usapan pa ang mga bagay na tapos na. I just needed to look forward. Okay naman ang buhay ko, ah? It's not like I was living a really depressing life. I wanted to get married, but it's not like it's the ultimate goal of my life.

* * *

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang trip ng universe dahil kung kailan naman ako nasa ibang bansa para magpresent at the same time ay magbakasyon na sana, saka naman malakas ang ulan! Literally, there was a heavy downfall paglapag ko sa South Korea.

Naku talaga! Kung 'di ko lang nakita katawan ni Levi iisipin ko na may balat sa pwet iyon dahil simula ng makilala ko siya, tila puro kamalasan na ang dumadating sa buhay ko.

I initially planned on going around sa first day ko, but all my plans were scrapped dahil sa malakas na ulan. Tuloy nasa hotel lang ako buong araw, watching Koreanovelas na in fairness naman ay nakaka-kilig.

But as I was watching, parang natakam ako roon sa iniinom nilang Soju. Damn those actors! Lakas maka-influence! Kaya naman kahit kalagitnaan na ng gabi, nagdecide ako na bumaba para maghanap ng bibilhan nung soju na 'yun. Saka gusto ko rin iyong parang tokwa na nasa stick. Parang ang sarap-sarap naman kasi kapag kinakain nila!

I was just wearing a maong shorts, oversized white shirt, black sliders, and my hair was in a loose bun. Naka-suot din ako ng windbreaker kung sakaling umulan. Hindi na ako nagdala ng payong dahil wala ako sa mood.

After ko maka-bili, babalik na sana ako sa hotel pero medyo natigilan ako nang may nakita akong lalaki na nagsasayaw sa kalsada. Maraming nanonood sa kanya kaya naman napa-tigil ako para manood din.

Saya naman dito.

Kung sa Pilipinas, malamang kanina pa ako na-holdap.

Pagbalik ko hotel, as I pushed the button of the elevator bago pa man ito magsara, my lips parted in disbelief nang makita ko kung sino ang nandoon.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" tanong ko nang makita ko si Levi sa may elevator. He was wearing his fucking pilot uniform at may hawak siyang itim na luggage.

His face was painted with disbelief, too. Kung dati lang sana, iisipin ko na serendipity lang 'to at talagang sa dinami-dami ba naman ng hotel sa South Korea, talagang dito pa kami magtatagpo.

But this guy's a fucking liar.

"Julienne," he said.

A part of my mind told me to just walk away and stay out of his way. That was the rational thing to do. But another part of me told me that I should get my ass inside that elevator and just ignore him. I mean, maliit lang naman ang Pilipinas. May chance na magkita kami. Might as well get this over and done with today. At least kung magkalat man ako, dito na lang sa Seoul na walang nakaka-kilala sa akin.

"I've been calling you," he said.

"And I never answered. Take the hint."

"At least let me explain."

Kung kanina enjoy na enjoy ako sa view dahil nasa itaas na floor ako, ngayon sana ay nasa lower floor na lang ako para matapos na ito.

"Everything's clear. You proposed because of your lola. Tama naman ako, 'di ba?"

"Yes."

"Then it's settled."

My traitor eyes glanced at his reflection. I chastised myself. Ayoko nga siyang makita, e! He looked so delicious in that uniform! And he's even hotter now when he looked so frustrated. His forehead was creased and there was a scowl on his face. Bahala ka d'yan.

"Yes, she's been asking me to find someone I'd want to settle down with, but it's not as if she threatened me to get married."

I remained quiet.

It's been more than a month.

Okay na ako. Medyo. But certainly not as hurt as I was the night I broke off the short lived engagement.

Medyo tanggap ko na na magiging single ako for life. Buti na lang uso na ngayon ang pagiging plantita at fur momma. Ayan na ang bagong life goal ko.

Finally, the elevator stopped on my floor. Kalmado akong naglakad palabas. I didn't want him to think that his presence disarms me. Never namang nangyari 'yun. I liked him so much, but I never allowed myself to like him—or anyone—beyond reproach.

Lagi akong nagtitira para sa sarili ko.

Para kapag may mga ganitong nangyari, kaya kong pulutin iyong nasira.

When I stopped in front of my room, I tried to get the card from my wallet pero napa-simangot ako nang makita ko si Levi sa likuran ko.

"Seriously, this is stalking," sabi ko sa kanya.

"Let's talk."

"No."

"Julienne—"

"I don't like repeating myself, okay? The engagement's off. I'm not your girlfriend or fiancée. We're exes. Just stay away from me and we'll be fine."

I opened the door and got in. I turned around to close it, pero nakita ko si Levi na nandun pa rin at naka-tayo. He was looking at me like he wanted to beg me to talk to him. But what's the point? All the facts are clear. Ano pa ba ang mababago?

"What?" I asked as I held the door, preparing to slam it shut.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Noted. Are you done?"

I saw him briefly close his eyes in frustration. Nang buksan niya ang mga mata niya, his jaw clenched. Mukhang nanggigil na 'to sa akin at malapit nang mapikon. Siya kasi, e. Ayaw pa akong tantanan. Nasanay kaya siya sa mga babae na huma-habol sa kanya? Well, asa pa siya. Never kong ginawa iyon at never kong gagawin. 'Di sa lalaki umiikot ang mundo ko.

"Can I please talk to Julienne—my girlfriend—the one who listens?"

I openly rolled my eyes. "My god, Levi. We're over. Ano ba'ng parte doon ang hindi mo maintindihan?"

"I don't understand why it was so easy for you to just walk away! You didn't even bother to listen and to understand!" he said, his voice laced with obvious anger. "You just..." He paused and drew a deep breath. "You just walked away. Just like that."

He was staring at me so intently that I averted my gaze.

The way he was looking at me... para bang kasalanan ko ang lahat.

"We're over—"

"Let's discuss that first."

"No—"

"Then we're not yet over."

"Can you please let me fucking finish!" I seethed.

"So fucking annoying, right?" he shot back. "That's what you did to me that night. You fucking accused me of things and didn't even bother to let me explain myself without cutting me off. How's that feel, Julienne?"

My lips parted in a mixture of anger and annoyance.

The audacity of this pilot!

Ugh! Bakit kasi siya naka-ganyan?! It was distracting me and confusing me!

"Just get out," I said, turning around and walking away again. But he quickly grabbed my arm and made me look at him. "For god's—"

Tumigil ang paghinga ko nang maramdaman ko iyong labi niya sa labi ko. He wasn't moving. It was almost like he was afraid to move. But I could feel his breathing. I could feel him. He's so close.

"Please... Let's talk..." he whispered against my lips.

Hindi ako naka-sagot.

I took a step back.

My lips parted.

I was ready to tell him to fuck off...

But that damned uniform!

"Fuck," I uttered to myself before I closed the distance and grabbed Levi towards me. 

***

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