Heyo!

I have a few close friends who I talk to a fair amount. However, I can't help worrying that I'm being annoying or a nuisance to them when I talk to them.

I'm too scared to talk about my own interests or be myself around them, and I constantly analyse their behaviour and see things that indicate they're annoyed with something I said. They've told me on several occasions that I'm not annoying them, but I can't seem to stop myself from thinking that way. I try, I honestly do, but the slightest change in their tone of voice has me feeling like I'm annoying them.

Do you have any advice of how to stop feeling that way?

Thanks in advance!

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Hello!

I will begin by telling you that you aren't the only one. It's so normal for people to wonder whether the people they hang out with like them, so don't feel like it's out of the ordinary. I have definitely felt that way with some people before. I know the feeling, and it sucks. You feel like you have to restrict yourself so much just in case you say something wrong, and you just generally feel like you're walking on eggshells. Trust me babes, I know the feeling.

So I have a couple of pointers from both my own experience as well as from some sites on the internet. Don't kill me if I copy paste some stuff though, because there were some things that I couldn't have said better myself. 

Without further ado, I shall proceed.

1. If you think it, that's what you become.

"According to recent on at the University of British Columbia, people who worry about rejection or being annoying usually are victims of a self-fulfilling prophecy. While it's normal to wonder if you are liked,...'research shows employees should do their best to keep their interactions positive and ignore the negative,' says Professor Aquino, the author of the study."*

I'll post the link to this website at the end of the chapter, but I think that there is so much truth to be found in this.

I'm not sure if you're familliar with the idea of a self-fulfilling prophecy, but in this case, what happens is that because you continually think you're annoying, you end up becoming annoying, because you think you are. So you begin to annoy them by asking if you're annoying, which becomes annoying, and so on and so forth - it's a rather vicious cycle. 

You need to start by getting out of it. If your friends have reassured you that you aren't a nuisance to them, then try and trust them on that and try and ease up yourself. I know it may be difficult to stop thinking that, but you just need to try and drill it into your mind until you stop thinking that. 

2. Don't actively seek confirmation/be POSITIVE

"Her findings suggest that people who were worried about negative gossip or being snubbed were more likely 'to seek out information to confirm their fears,' which would in turn annoy colleagues and may lead to rejection. For example, one of the study's experiments found that people who construed certain actions as negative were more likely to 'root it out through such means as eavesdropping or spying,' which isn't behavior that necessarily wins friends over." 

You said that "I constantly analyse their behaviour and see things that indicate they're annoyed with something I said" and "the slightest change in their tone of voice has me feeling like I'm annoying them." Do you think that you may be actively looking for signs that they're annoyed by you? Do you think that you keep going out of your way to interpret their otherwise normal actions into something else?

Like I said, it's rather normal to do this. I think I've mentioned it in one of the previous chapters when I was talking about crushes or something - when you like someone, you tend to start interpreting their actions into something more than it is. For instance, if he looks at you, you automatically conclude that this is a sign that he likes you when it may just be that you were in his peripheral vision.

It's the same sort of thing here. Because you think that you're annoying, you may end up thinking that everything your friends do points towards them being annoyed by you.

In order to combat this, I think that you should try give your friends the benefit of doubt. Try not to analyse them or their behaviour around you. Positivity is always the answer to everything. I always say that the situation could completely turn around not because your friends have changed, but rather because you've changed your entire perspective on the situation. So really gather your willpower and try your best to view things differently; don't overthink their actions.

4. Self-Confidence Check

A lot of the sites I checked out really pointed out the importance of your self-confidence and self-esteem when it comes to situations like this. I completely agree. It may actually all boil down to how you feel about yourself, how you perceive yourself, what you believe is true about yourself.

Sit down alone and try and think of the qualities you would describe yourself as. You could write it as a list. Don't think too hard about it; just scribble down the first few words that come to mind.

Now, take a step back and look at your list. Are they mostly positive? Or are they mostly negative?

If they are mostly negative, then it may be that you have a low self-esteem, and this may be taking a toll on your friendships. Another thing you could do is just evaluate your usual thoughts - do you find that you constantly blame yourself for things, or that you sort of talk badly about yourself to yourself? Or even to other people? Saying stuff like "I'm not smart enough for this to be honest," or "I'm not really pretty." If you find that you talk yourself down a lot, then maybe it's time to begin working on yourself.

It's not an easy job working on building up your confidence or self-esteem, but one must always start with small steps. For one, like I've mentioned, try and turn your thoughts positive. My Mum is always telling me to do that, and it's rather annoying, but I will admit that it is a genuinely good way of seeing the world positively. Instead of saying, "I'm not smart enough to do this," turn it around and say "I'm going to work hard so that I can do this properly." That sort of thing. Being positive about the things around you will begin to also make you positive about yourself, and that's what we need. 

Just remind yourself of the good things in your life. Remind yourself of why you love your friends, your family, your school, your life, and why you love yourself. Because it is difficult to be happy if you haven't found peace within yourself.

You need to be confident in who you are because this makes you radiate your confidence to others, and you begin to realize that you are worth so, so much. 

Because you are. 

5. Friendship Check?

If you find that all of the above four things don't work, and that you still feel that they do find you annoying, then, chances are, your intuition may actually be correct and that they aren't being good friends to you. 

I believe that a good friendship is one where you are both accepting of each other and you know each other's flaws and weird behaviour yet you still love them for them. When you're close to someone, you don't mind acting like a complete idiot because you know they won't judge you. They are the type of friends that you know if anything happens to you, they will always have your back.

A good friendship is one where you feel comfortable around the person. And currently, you don't feel comfortable around these people. That's not a good way to be friends with other people.

You said that you are "too scared to talk about my own interests or be myself around them." This was a big red flag for me, because you should always be able to be yourself with friends you consider "close". If you can't, then perhaps these are friendships that you need to re-evaluate. 

Maybe you can try and distance yourself from them. This may help you figure out the following things:

(1) Whether they are good friends to/for you. Spending time away from them will give you time to think about how they treat you, and whether you think that they are friendships you feel are worth keeping.

(2) Whether they genuinely enjoy your company. This isn't always what happens because people are different, so don't separate yourself for this reason. But you may find that some of them might start looking for you and asking why you've stopped chilling with them. This might show that they actually did value your friendship, and it may make you feel a lot better about them. However, like I said, this must not be the reason you do it, because people are different and so some people may not be the type to run after you when you separate yourself. Some people might end up thinking you want space. So don't do it because you're trying to 'test' your friends. 

You're doing it because you need space from them to really consider whether they are good friends or whether you may need to find some other people who will appreciate you for who you are, for people who will be interested in your life and people who you don't mind talking about yourself with because they celebrate your achievements as much as you celebrate theirs. 

Hopefully this is able to help. If anyone has any other advice that they'd like to add in the comments, feel free to do so!

Love,

- genie_us xx

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*https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201303/6-ways-stop-being-annoying

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