Hello,

So I've had a crush on this guy for quite some time now. He was introduced through my best friend (not with romantic intentions though). She and some of my other close friends grew up with him but aren't being much help. I like him quite a lot but this is my first serious (more than a week or two) crush. But I also love hanging out with him and chatting.

I am scared that if I tell him I like him it will ruin our friendship. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't like me back but I really like him. I want to tell him but I also want to continue our friendship because I think we could be close one day.

What do I do?

- Need A Straight Answer

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Dear Need A Straight Answer,

Can I just begin by saying that, there can never be a straight answer when it comes to the whole I-like-this-person-but-I-don't-wanna-risk-our-friendship situation? I know that's the last thing you want to hear, but the truth is that it's an extremely tricky situation to be in. I've been in it countless times, and I literally always opt to tell them (thus risking the friendship). Sometimes it does ruin the friendship, which sucks but I get over it; but sometimes it doesn't change a thing and, I still get over it.

The one time I actually decided to keep it a secret, I found out months later that he'd actually also liked me. Fml.

So why is it never a straight answer?

That's because everyone's situation is so different, and people react so differently. On your part, it all comes down to weighing out the options and deciding whether it's a risk worth taking or not. So instead of giving you a straight answer (I will give you a few ideas at the end though), I'll list down a bunch of questions that can help you make your decision:

1. Do you know him well enough to know how he'll react if you tell him? If so, how do you think he'll react? Will his reaction be worth it?

2. You say you know he doesn't like you back. So what do you think you'll achieve if you come clean and tell him you like him? Rather, what exactly are you trying to achieve from telling him?

3. Would you rather tell him now while your friendship is still infantile, or would you rather hold back your feelings and wait for the friendship to grow into something closer (as you think will happen)? Remember, the latter will definitely come at a greater cost if you're feelings don't go away then – what I mean is, if you decide to not tell him but instead pursue your friendship to the point of closeness, you may end up falling for him deeper, which also means you have much more to lose.

4. Are you the type of person who gets extremely anxious not knowing whether your crush likes you or not? Will it bother you if you keep it in for so long? Or are you really good at suppressing it? (I doubt anyone is tbh).

As I'd mentioned, I've been through each of the three possible outcomes before:

Risking the friendship by telling him, and the friendship ends as a result

If I had a penny for the times that this has happened to me...I'd probably have like, ten, lol. I'm serious. Some people just don't know how to handle such information for one reason or other, and completely end the friendship. I've done that to one or two guys, and I do feel really bad for it, but for me – and possibly for those other guys who did it to me – it was just a situation I didn't know how to handle, and everything just got really awkward.

Thing is, one thing I've noticed with these people is that we were never really close in the first place. Many a time, it was just that we'd been hanging out a lot recently because of something like mutual friends, or because we were sitting on the same table in class, or because we were working on a group project together. It was one of those things that we hung out because we were put in a similar situation; not because we genuinely made the effort to get to know each other outside of the fixed environment. For example, I was accompanying this dude on the piano (he was singing), and as a result we had to spend a lot of alone time to practice. So in that situation, we were hanging out not because we wanted to but because we had to. And I developed a crush on him because I was mistaking the two. Similarly, there was this guy I ended up liking because he was put on the same table that I was on in (say) English class, so for six lessons a week, I was talking to him. Or, there was also this dude I liked, but I developed this crush because he was in the crew that my other long-life male friends were in, and so when I hung out with them, he was there. But yet again, I made the mistake of confusing the type of friendship we had.

Thing is, I should have realized that with these crushes, the only time we spoke was in those situations we had been put in together: practice for the performance, or during English, or when I was hanging out with the 'crew'. If we were ever talking outside of those situations, it was about the situations themselves. For instance, the singing crush would come up to me and ask when we were practicing next. (But my stupid mind was like "omg he wants to see you again yay.") Or, with the English one, he'd come to ask me about the English homework. And whenever I tried to talk to either of them about something else, or when I tried to talk to 'crew' boy alone, it seemed as if conversation was strained, as if our friendship was based on nothing more than the common activity/interest we shared.

Damn, I've gone a bit off, haven't I?

Long story short, when I told them that I liked them, it got very awkward after that, but that's because the friendship we had before was already built on very shallow grounds. After the friendship[s] ended I realized that they hadn't been such a big deal in my life anyway, and so it didn't feel like such a loss after all.

From this information, in making your decision whether to tell him or not, I challenge you to review your current friendship with this guy. Are you friends with him simply because you've been thrown into situations where you've to interact with him a lot? If so, when you're separate from this fixed environment, does it become harder or easier to talk to him?

For me, my whole world revolves around my crushes when I have one, but when our friendship ends, for some reason I realize that it really isn't too bad after all. And, thing is, after a while, I ended up talking to them again – but this was when I'd completely moved on and didn't feel the need to have any sort of relationship with the person other than an acquaintanceship. Of course, when you're crushing on him, it feels like the world will come crashing down if you lose his friendship but if that actually happens, you may find that you're actually all right after all.

Risking the friendship by telling him, but nothing changing afterwards/we're still friends

This, too, has happened to me plenty times, and unsurprisingly, it usually occurs with the guys I was much, much closer to i.e. (e.g.) my closest/best friends.

Seeing from my previous example, I'm sure you can see why nothing really changed. It's because our previous friendship was already solid in its foundation: we were friends because we enjoyed each others' company, we liked each other's character, and we trusted each other to a large extent. When this happens, you're not afraid to give up the awkwardness that comes with "I'm telling you I like you but I know you don't like me back" to retain the amazing bond you've always had. It's like a small bump in the road, something that's not even that big of a deal. I've even found myself comfortably talking about liking the person to the person himself, even though he's told me he doesn't feel the same way. We're just so comfortable around each other that something like that doesn't really seem like such a big deal. I'd previously told my best friend that I'd liked him – even though he had a girlfriend. Of course it was nerve-wrecking, but his reaction wasn't bad at all and it made me feel stupid for even being scared to tell him.

There was also this one other really close friend of mine, who'd replied, much to my amusement, "I know."

So, I guess it's a matter of how comfortable you are around your crush. At what stage of the friendship are you in? Are you close enough that it won't be such a big deal? Or are you not there yet? If not, will you just pursue the friendship to that level first before telling him? (that's easier said than done though).

Not risking the friendship by not telling him

I'm the type of person who cannot get over someone until I know how they feel too, so as far as I can remember, this was one crush I didn't tell.

And like I said, I'd proceeded to regret it. I still do.

Thing was, I'd assumed that there was no way he'd like me back. I don't really know how or why, but I'd seriously convinced myself that no way in hell would this dude actually like me back. I felt he was too, too above me to even consider me in a romantic way. We were friends of course, and we had really good conversation, but I thought he saw me as no more than some other person he spoke to.

But I did like him, despite the fact that I refused to admit it, which meant I kept it in. It eventually did come out (apparently he'd pieced it all together after the way I'd been acting) but as soon as he realized, it was too late – the long holidays were there – but a month or two later, via text, he told me that he actually did like me and that I should have told him that I did. I've never felt more annoyed at myself, to be honest, because I'd decided to undermine myself and that cost me quite a lot.

The reason I'm telling you this story too is, are you undermining yourself too? How sure are you that he doesn't like you? Do you know this for a fact or are you just saying that for some reason or other?

Conclusion

You need to remember, though, that people are different. My stories are based on the situations I've been in, and they may or may not be the same for you.

One tip I have for you is, try and test the waters first. Try throw in flirty comments once in a while, like:

Him: It's hot in here

You: That's definitely because you're sitting next to me

Him: Haha, sure...

You: We all know you dream of me.

(Lol I couldn't think of anything tbh, I'm sorry!)

But I hope you get what I mean. Try and drop little hints here and there, and see how he reacts to them. Does he flirt back? Do you guys make fun of each other? You can even get a little touchy. I think I've mentioned before how I always do the ask-boy-to-hold-up-his-palm-so-I-can-compare-my-fingers-to-his thing on my crushes.

Don't overdo the flirty thing. Just do it in bits and pieces, in little hints. Sometimes they can be obvious, but other times they can be discreet. Just continue building up your friendship, throw in some flirting, and hopefully his responses to you will make it easy to figure out whether or not to tell him.

Good luck, hope I helped!

Love,

- genie_us xx

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