Dear Agony Aunt,

My best friend and I (I'll call her FA, since I don't want to point any fingers, even if they don't have a Wattpad account) used to do everything together, but now someone new has painted themselves into the picture.
I'll call her FB.

We were never really friends with FB, she wasn't in our tutor group but was in most of our lessons. Anyway, she was moved onto the table where me, FA and a few others sit at the start of the school year. It turns out she has a lot in common with me and FA.

FB then started hanging out with me and FA at break and lunch.Then, it started. I was off school for a few days with a terrible sickness bug a few months back. FA was always coming round to my house to check up on me, but all of a sudden it seemed like all she'd talk about was FB.

Whether it was because she'd done something hilarious in class or because she'd cried through a movie, it was all FB. When I came back into school, it turned out all this talking about FB had turned into hanging out  with her. We DID hang out with her to begin with, but now it's different. I'm being left out in everything, no matter what I say or do.

It turns out they suddenly know all of each other's secrets and hang out together more than either of them hang out with me. It's gotten to the point where I'll be talking to FA, and FB will literally push me out of the way and FA won't give me a second look before going off with FB. (Not to mention the pushes hurt).

I haven't got a clue what happened, and I won't deny I feel jealous. I have other friends, of course, but it's just not the same. They all know what's going on and I've been hanging out with them a lot, but I miss my old friendship with FA.

Please help me out.

~ The Third Wheel

::

Hello x

Being the third wheel sucks. Trust me, I know the feeling. 

Never confront, but incite

So one thing that people often say is that you should talk to the two of them about it. My only issue with this is that they may get pretty defensive about it.

But then again, if they make you regret telling them that you feel left out, then maybe it's a friendship you should completely rethink.

I'm usually conflicted when it comes to confrontation. Other than the fact that they become defensive, I think that if they actually do take it nicely, they'll feign the friendship afterwards, i.e. they'll start involving you again in things out of pity. It's something I wouldn't particularly advise you to do, but then again, it might be an indicator of where your friendship is headed.

What I'd suggest is that you can find a time to talk to FA privately and offer to hang out with her alone. You could say, "You and I haven't been spending much time together recently as much as we used to, and so I wanted to know if you'd want to come over for a sleepover. Just me and you, like old times."

If she asks whether FB can come along, then that should be a sign that your friendship can no longer be how it was. Nevertheless, reply, "I'm not as close to FB as I am to you, so I'd prefer it to be just us." If she doesn't take this well, then maybe it's time to accept that you've lost FA. 

Another thing I used to do was make random comments like "I miss you," out of the blue to the friend I felt had shut me out. She'd obviously be like "what?" But I would say it at random times when all seemed well that she wouldn't give it a second glance. Thing was, I kept dropping that line that she actually began thinking about what I meant when I said that. At some point, she got fed up and she sat me down and asked straight up, "WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING YOU MISS ME WHEN I'M RIGHT HERE?!" And I actually just told her that she's not been hanging out with me as much. And she apologized and actually said that she missed me too, and she'd thought that I was the one who'd been ditching her. All this came out from my dropping hints, because I was inciting that there was a problem.

Don't feel sorry for yourself - do something

One thing many people do but never realize is that they make themselves the third wheel to the point that the only reason that they're that is because they decided to be. I find myself doing this sometimes, and it's a bad habit, so I have to make a conscious effort to assert myself within my friendships.

How does one make yourself the third wheel? If you're always quiet when the three of you are together; if you find yourself waiting to be invited (rather than doing the inviting or asking to tag along); if you find yourself walking away when you see them together, then you're probably third-wheeling yourself. This is almost always out of self-pity - "they probably don't want me around anyway, why am I still here?" - and this must stop. It's sad, it's almost pathetic.

In times when I realize I've third-wheeled myself, I decide that I'm going to get back, somehow. If I see the two of them sitting together, I will physically go and join them, and actually talk and laugh with them. I will ask them if they want to go for a movie or something of the sort. And thing is, everything goes back to normal because the only thing that had changed was how I acted towards them, which was my fault (as much as I'd convinced myself that it was theirs).

Perhaps you're also playing a huge role in your position. Try and figure out if you're actually the one fuelling the fire, i.e. if you're making yourself the third-wheel, and stop it.

Be open to growing your other relationships/ be open to the prospect of making new friends

Yes you have other friends that you hang out with, but you'll never develop those friendships if you continue longing for FA's friendship. This is because, you're other friends are not FA. They will not compensate for what she's not giving you, but for as long as you're treating them as a back-up or as a temporary thing while you hope FA will come around, you will never be happy with your other friends. 

A circle can never fit a square hole. Stop viewing your other friends as a means to fill up you FA-hole. Instead, see them for who they are. How to know you're not doing this? When you're with them, ask yourself why. If your answer has anything, and I mean anything to do with FA (eg. I'm with them because FA went off with FB), then you're treating them as compensation. When you finally get to a point where you're chilling with them because you like their banter or whatever, then you're finally doing it right.

As teenagers we often don't like the idea of change. It is quite comforting to stick with the same friend circles forever, but we need to realize that this isn't the reality. Friends will come and go, and we need to understand this. As a result, you need to be willing to branch out to other people and be willing to get closer to other people who aren't FA. 

Who knows, you might find yourself not being bothered by FA and FB's friendship anymore. What's more, you might find a best friend in someone you never expected.

Strengthen your friendship with (shock) FB

A lot of the time, when it comes to a friendship triangle, two people have a certain unspoken dislike for each other. You need to ensure is that while you try to win back FA, you're not making FB feel attacked or threatened. She probably already did when she joined you and FA's crew, because you two were already tight. One thing that often happens is that the 'new' friend (FB in your case) will always sense that there's competition,  which is you, and so you and FB will naturally have a hostility between each other that FA won't feel nor understand. 

As a result, try and extend an olive branch to FB so that she stops feeling the need to be aggressive towards you. Make it your mission to kill her with kindness, because you're not in a position to act out of order when it comes to FB - this will just result in more and more conflict. 

Try and get to know her. Once in a while, ask to chill with her alone. She'll be surprised by your nice gestures, and once she realizes your intentions are pure (I hope they are), the hostility between you will drop and maybe the whole friendship triangle will be mended again.

That's what I've done in the past. There was this girl, say her name's Joanna, who was new to the school and she somehow penetrated my bestfriendship with...Tiffany, lol. Thing was, I ended up disliking her not because she was a bad person, but because I'd decided she was coming in between Tiffany and I. One day though when the three of us were chilling with some other friends, I wanted to go to the tuck shop and buy something and I just decided to ask Joanna to take me (and not Tiffany). This was a shock on everyone - I always chose Tiffany! But for Joanna, it was a pleasant surprise. The walk to the tuck shop was awkward as she was trying to figure out whether I was being genuine, but we ended up chilling for ages because we actually had so much in common!

Long story short, go out of your way to know FB.

It's never that serious - it's okay to move on!

When you're the third-wheel, you feel tempted to be so negative about the situation: you feel betrayed, you get jealous, you start hating other people and begin pitying yourself. Thing is as I said, friendships change and evolve all the time. Sometimes we have to come to terms with the fact that things may not always work out how we'd like them to, and that sometimes it's important to let go of the friendship we thought we had.

People grow apart, and regardless of the reason, we must accept it. If you keep finding yourself third-wheeling, maybe it's time to let go of your friendship with FA and FB and let them do their thing. You can wait a bit and see if the other suggestions above will work, but you can't wait forever. There must come a time when you decide that you deserve better; that you deserve friends who know when they're hurting you and who you matter to. 

Hopefully FA and FB will come around, but if they don't, that's okay. There are like 7 billion people on the planet, you're bound to find plenty other awesome friends who love you just as much:). 

Good luck with everything!

- genie_us xx