𝐏𝐄𝐎𝐏𝐋𝐄 𝐎𝐅𝐓𝐄𝐍 𝐖𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐇𝐎𝐖 Deaf individuals navigate the world without sound. How do you listen to music? How do you communicate with the hearing world if you can't hear yourself? Can you read my lips from across the room? Are you faking your deafness if you speak? If you heard me before, why can't you hear me now? Do you moan when you fuck? If I touch between your legs, what sound would you make?

Alyina understood their curiosity about her deafness. But why the fuck did it matter? It's her ears that didn't work, not her brain — of which she often wanted to say but still gave a proper answer in return. There were those with genuine interest, and those trying to be funny.

What's it like being Deaf? Was a popular question.

It's like standing in a well-lit room. Picture lights as sound, a distraction. Bright and hard to focus on one thing at a time when light is bouncing off many intriguing objects. But when the lights are off, darkness was silence. No distractions. No overstimulation. No sound. Nothing but comforting silence.

Alyina was seven months old when her mother discovered there was something wrong. She naturally assumed her daughter was a quiet baby. Reserved and far too shy to interact with her cousins, but never responded to her name and sudden clanging of objects. Only then would her eyes light up when visual objects were dangling in her face.

Turned out it was genetic. Her father's side of the family had a history of genetic deafness which skipped him and most of his siblings, but didn't skip Alyina. Profoundly deaf in the left ear. Lost about seventy-five percent hearing in the right, bound to worsen as she got older.

Her family was occasionally involved, father long out of the picture, leaving her mother to raise Alyina on her own. Even if she had to do things differently, her mother was determined she'd grow up like the others and did good at it. And when she turned fifteen, her family saved enough money to cover the cost of her cochlear implant. It was a way for Alyina to meet her family halfway, a cure most assumed because no one cared enough to learn her language besides her mother, Aunt Trisha, and two cousins out of six.

Her room of silence finally shed some light, dimmed and flickering. But it wasn't a cure and she wasn't looking for one either, and certainly couldn't handle the raging headache that came with wearing her processor so she didn't wear them often unless in social settings. Or with her family. Plus, there was no need for them deeply involved within the Deaf community though she did actively wear her hearing aid.

The hearing world moved too fast and silence was most comfortable.

Alyina knew she would be greeted by her mother when stepping through the front door of her new home, once owned by Nanna who died two months ago in her sleep. She left each of her children her most prized possession. This house was one of them. Under her mother's name, soon given to Alyina when the time came.

"Did you drive without your cochlear and hearing aid?" Her mother spoke along with signing, as everyone around her did. Even Alyina herself, though without hearing her voice, sounded monotonous like a robot, so she's been told. "You know that isn't safe. Not in a city we're still getting used to. What happened to them?"

"I've driven without both before, Mom, and I'm still alive." Alyina passed her mother into the spacious kitchen that still smelled like Nanna. Still decorated as if she never left. Old pots and floral dinnerware, fake fruit baskets and vines and birds hanging along the wall Black Jesus was framed. Plastic on the stools. Most used seasonings lined against the windowpane.

On the counter lie a plate of grilled salmon with white rice and black beans and salted vegetables. Alyina picked up the fork and ate the warm meal after placing her bag on the floor next to her feet. She didn't bother sitting at the dining table knowing she'd be forced to face her mother and admit the true reason she wore nothing on the drive home.

        She left her hearing aid on the desk in her room and her cochlear was broken.

The kitchen lights flickered.

Sighing, Alyina faced her mother who apparently had a lot to say to her daughter who's legally an adult. For six years. "That's not the point. The point is you have the cochlear to wear and now you're not wearing it when needed most. Don't you remember how expensive the whole procedure was? Hearing breaks aside, we agreed you would wear them when you're driving. That's how you got your car in the first place." She calmed herself after taking a breather, stepping closer with a softer expression. "What's going on? Is this some new phase to make up for your teenage years?"

Moving from Michigan to Georgia—a place she barely remembered as a child because her mother moved for love—has been challenging for Alyina. She didn't just leave behind a community that became her home and all she knew; she left behind her friends, the people she cared about, those who understood her situation and knew how to accommodate her.

        Atlanta was different. Everything was new. Loud. Busy. And if there was one thing Alyina hated most was being forced into new environments without preparation.

New environments entail ignorant questions. Rude people. Navigating around 'accessible' services with inaccessible employees. New friends. Relearning her surroundings. A new job. Miscommunication. Gang signs assumption. And starting all over again. It was antagonizing having to explain her deafness over and over again.

So, yeah, Alyina has been in shitty mood the past month. For good reason too.

Alyina placed her fork between her lips to sign back to her mother. She tried to do so without getting an attitude, but ASL was a very blunt and expressive language that required expressive facial emotions to portray the tone of words. "I'm not going through a reckless phase. And even if I was, my reasons are valid! I didn't ask for us to move — "

"And I didn't want us to, honey. I love where we were at. It was our home. Your home. But I also didn't expect my mom to pass away and leave us her house, and lord forgive me, but God sure picked his timing." She expressed over Alyina's failure to apologize for taking it too far. "The landlord was raising on rent again and I truly thought we was gone be on the streets this time. I can't afford what we don't have. At least this house is paid off so we don't gotta to worry about much than utilities, and we can finally get you an appointment with an audiologist to remap your cochlear as soon as possible."

Alyina narrowed her gaze at her enthusiasm setting up an appointment they've been trying to get since problems reoccurred with her insurance. Her processor was broken. There couldn't be an appointment without a working piece, which she didn't have. Which, she barely wore. Which, she decided to restrain herself from revealing.

She had a lot on her plate still grieving her mother's death, and Alyina didn't wish to add to it.

She waved off her mother's help, still dressed in her work clothes with icing stains on her black jeans. A baker whose house did in fact smell like cinnamon and vanilla on many occasions. "Don't worry about me, mom. I can take care of myself and set up my own appointment. Let me do this on my own."

"I just want to help."

"I know. That's why I need to do it on my own. I can't be dependent on you forever and there's no need asserting yourself in everything I do. I'm grown. You keep forgetting that part."

Her mother offered a tight-lipped smile, no longer wishing to argue furthermore.

Alyina moved her plate to the dining table since her mother lingered in the kitchen cleaning what she cooked with. She dragged her bag behind her before she got any ideas to peek inside. Then chewed on the seasoned fish, peering up when she caught her mother filling the empty spot across from her. Her muscles stiffened.

"How's job searching going?" Asked her mother. She pulled her knees to her chest after tying a scarf around her coily hair. It's shorter from a recent cut, a low fade on one side with two lines blazing through.

Just like any other day — horrible. Alyina was turned down as soon as she walked through the door, every position somehow filled despite the hiring sign hanging on the door or behind the counters. It was nothing new for her, but it's getting hard to support herself if chances aren't given.

Alyina scoffed. "You know people don't wanna hire a Deaf girl. They see disability checked and suddenly it's too much for them to handle."

"Did you try the library? They don't require much and I spoke to the manager. She would love to have you if you would just show up."

Here we go again.

"I'm not working there! I don't want old lady jobs and I wish you'd stop bringing it up." Alyina expressed.

Her mother had been conversing with the owner behind her back waiting to hire Alyina, only to shelve books her entire life. To her, it wasn't exciting nor what she wanted to do. She had dreams. Aspirations. And becoming a librarian won't help reach the path she's searching for.

Her mother rolled her eyes. "You can't afford to be picky when there aren't many options available for you in the first place, Alyina. You gotta get what you can. At least, for now, until you find yourself a better job. I know you not tryna be a janitor either."

"I'm not settling. I don't mean to be difficult, but I know myself and my worth and I want a job within my interest even if it's not something I want to do my entire life. I appreciate you for looking out, but I got it. Just trust me a little."

"I do trust you." Sadness coated her narrowing gaze. "More than you know."

Her mother's gotten used to caring for Alyina without question that when she grew up not needing her mother's guidance in the hearing world, it placed her in a difficult spot. A spot between hanging on and letting go. She knew the day would come when Alyina would have to fend on her own and had been doing so for years, but she wasn't ready to give up full control. She also didn't have much of a choice either.

"But fine! Until you find yourself a job, why don't you volunteer catering for a charity event next week?" Alyina opened her mouth to protest, already signing her first words before her mother continued over her. "And before you say whatever, I'm looking out for myself this time, not you. I have to go on that wellness retreat your aunt got me into so she won't go alone and I need you to fill in my spot."

"You can't find someone else to cover your shift? Someone who works with you?"

"If I could, I wouldn't have asked you." Said her mother. "It's voluntary and you won't do much other than serve whatever they give you on a silver platter. It's good money. Just for the day, save my ass. Can you do that?"

Alyina tried again. "And Aunt Trisha can't reschedule the retreat?"

Her mother pursed her lips, leaning back while cocking her head slightly. "Now you know she not canceling a damn thing."

Aunt Trisha had a knack signing up for random events and retreats if it promotes good health. Anything for preserving youth, tightening loose skin, relieving stress to live longer, making overall healthy choices, and what her YouTubers and friends do, Aunt Trisha was first in line.

She believed in the qualities of essential oils and collecting crystals, aligning the stars to explain her current mood, and disgusting green juice she's always forcing someone to drink. She was the fun aunt. The aunt with no children so she had all the time and money in the world to do whatever her heart desired, but was incredibly gullible. If an article published today discovering volcanic rocks and lava are useful for rejuvenating skin and calming stress, Aunt Trisha would be on the first flight out. No fact checking, no data reading, just one good review and her money's spent.

And with Alyina and her mother moving back to Georgia, they were just a few blocks down from Aunt Trisha to indulge in her silly tactics. Her mother, the baby sister, paid the price for both.

Alyina nodded, approving to help her mother out this once.

After dinner, she left to get ready for bed. Unpacked boxes still stacked along the hallway, and unopened bags still waiting to redecorate the guest bedroom. It had the best lighting and was closer to the front of the house in case someone pulled up.

With her hair twisted and wrapped, Alyina dressed herself in a pair of men's boxers and a plain t-shirt when finishing her shower. She sat at her desk, scrolling through her emails and getting back with commissioners with updates. Her iPad charged, she spent the next few hours adding their feedback to finalize the product.

Becoming an animator was her dream and illustrating was a passion.

Alyina had been drawing for as long as she could remember. She'd published short comics on popular sites and retained awesome engagement but worked mostly as a freelancer. Whether it's fan art, book covers, character profiles, and more, she did it all and was good at it. But of course, despite the prices, commissions weren't as frequent and not enough to pay the bills or keep up with her lifestyle.

A message distracted Alyina's concentration when her phone lit up from another notification. It vibrated the entire table, aware whoever was messaging her wasn't texting her once and leaving it at that.

A blushing smile found her face while reading his message. It's the cute guy from today. The one who saved her life from a speeding car, which she would have noticed had she been paying attention and not banging out to Yung Diggs' new single.

Alyina closed her monitor and migrated to her bed cluttered with squishmallows. A collection religiously growing out of control. She laid on her back, waiting for another message to hit her phone. Her favorite cow squishmallow watching the action at hand.

She swiped out to scroll through her phone. Kareem texted back almost immediately.

Alyina squealed. She didn't know what it was but talking to Kareem excited her. Not only was he extremely handsome, but he was patient with her and communicated to the best of his abilities. Never once grew irritated he had to repeat himself a few times for her to catch on.

And to her, that was new. Refreshing.

Normally hearing people weren't as patient depending on the situation, or they'd come up with an excuse to leave or hand her off to another after discovering her deafness. She never blamed them for seizing up though.

Another message shoots through when Alyina hadn't respond.

Alyina didn't know what prompted her to mention she was sleepy, when in fact, she was wide awake from texting Kareem. But still, tiredness heavied her eyelids.

Kareem felt different. A complete stranger but there was something about him that perked Alyina's interest. It made her look forward to seeing him around or 'accidentally' bumping into him after purposely standing around his apartment building. It's been a while since she had been interested in another person. Years even. It was a new feeling waiting to be explored, and truthfully, was afraid to explore it.

She placed her phone back on the charger and comforted herself under the bedsheets, staring up at the ceiling with thoughts invading her peace of mind. She wondered how she'll sleep now with her heart pounding from a simple interaction.

A U T H O R ' S  N O T E

Autocorrect fighting for which sign or sigh I need for the sentence is lowkey beating my ass

Small little shout out to PoeticallyKiy , from the bottom of my heart thank you soooo much for reading my books. I think you've read almost everything😂, like you're there once I publish something and it really means a lot. The love and everything you give keeps me going.
Your shout out also made my day 💗  but when you guys get a chance, please check out their (idk your pronouns so ima be safe lol) work. Unlike me, they've actually finished writing some books