Looking down at her coffee, Emilia stares mindlessly as her thumb runs along the smooth rim of the cup. She watches as the small ripples from the caffeine expand as far as its silicone borders allow them to, seemingly lost in the miniscule movements that appear.

"Stefani, I can't let you do this." she says, voice still slightly shaky from her previous hysterics.

Later, she'll shrivel into a disdained ball of embarrassment. When she remembers having a genuine breakdown in the lap of an individual that was quite literally— seconds away from being inside of her. Much later, once she's in a bath and the glasses of wine she's thrown back make the thought of lowering her head under the water and never coming back up seem more and more appealing.

"This isn't— it's not why I told you this." she hiccups, and it holds as much truth as it is stained with deceit. Because in the moment, she didn't think of it. She just needed someone to hold her, listen to her, to tell her everything is going to be okay and believe them when they did.

She needed Stefani.

And as much as she tries, it's getting increasingly difficult to convince herself that it doesn't exceed anything past the fact that Stefani just so happens to be there.

"I know." Stefani whispers, and Emilia wants to grasp her by the arms and tell her that no, she doesn't. Because if she did know the truth, she wouldn't have cleared her face of the mad, disheveled hair sticking to her fallen tears as gently as she did. She wouldn't have squeezed her hand to support her in saying out loud all that she's kept bottled in these past couple months.

All of this undeserved kindness nauseates her. It surrounds her, running in never ending circles until there's no more oxygen left for her to take in. Making the guilt that is getting infuriatingly harder and harder to push down find it's way up to her throat, threatening to spill out.

But as much as it pains Emilia, she can't tell her the truth. Not yet. Not now. It's gone on too long and nothing is sure yet. She wishes things were different, she wishes Stefani had been different.

She wishes she wasn't funny or kind, smart or generous. She wishes so badly that the woman before her was a venomous crooked shark who has even less respect for the women who go in and out of her bed than those who work below her.

It would make this all a hell of a lot easier.

"This program is something that has been in motion for quite some time now. And I can assure you, the people behind it are the best in their respective fields. I truly believe their work will be revolutionary—" Stefani speaks above a whisper, her warm hands holding Emilia's face. For the first time since she's started speaking, she breaks eye contact."However, it would still be experimental. And I can't promise you it'll work. But I can promise you no greater effort will be made to save him anywhere else. My mother wanted to pursue a career in the medical field— she said she decided she wanted to be a doctor at the age of six." Stefani smiles, the glimmer that appears in her eyes leaving far too soon. "My grandfather wouldn't allow it. So she enrolled into law school like he wanted when the time came. But when she inherited everything, the majority of our investments went into hospitals and pharmaceutical companies."

Emilia knows that she isn't done speaking. It's just hard to focus right now. Her mind is still stuck on one thing— how quick Stefani was to try and shake the image of her Mother. It reminds her of herself. "She wanted to be a doctor?" Emilia whispers without thinking.

Green eyes blink once, then twice. Stefani looks away for a moment and Emilie doesn't miss the way long eyelashes flutter as Stefani blinks away any potential tears. Her lips open then close. Stefani doesn't know what to say.

"She was fascinated by medicine, with the human body. She loved to help others." emerald eyes seem to become focused on nothing then, Stefani's mind wandering to distant memories she stopped allowing herself to revisit a long time ago. "I think she would have been good a great doctor— she had a kindness in her that was so pure. It always made its way into everything she did. It's something I'm sure she got from my grandmother. Something the medical field needs more of." she smiles, and Emilia wants to ask her more questions. Hoping that one will strike the right cord once more and she'll get to see Stefani smile that way again.

But the guilt resurfaces in that moment, there to remind her that she doesn't deserve it— she doesn't deserve any of this.

"My Mother devoted so much of her life's work to helping the advancement of medicine and bettering the experience of those who needed it when she was alive. It's my job to ensure that still happens." she continues, the fire burning in her eyes soothed by the softness of her voice. "Your father would have been considered for this program regardless, he meets all the criteria— this is just speeding things up a little. Let me help him, let me help you."

She glances down at their hands when she can no longer hold Stefani's gaze.

It proves to be no easier when she sees Stefani's thumb rubbing reassuring strokes over the back of her hand.

"Emmy!" she hears suddenly, the voice cutting sharply through the stoic ambience of the hospital floor. Her eyes briefly scan through the intersected hallways before she catches sight of dark hair and long limbs.

"Ben." Emilia smiles, setting her cup of coffee down so her short arms can elope him in a long embrace. She sets her head over his chest, his rapid heart beat matching his poorly contained heavy breathing.

Once Emilia's mother received the news from the hospital that her father was being offered a slot in a new program completely covered by the hospital, it was as if the weight of twenty bricks was lifted off her chest. The sound of her mother's voice— so shocked, so relieved, so happy, so hopeful.

It was the first sighting of actual joy in her family in almost a year. It's radiating off of her brother even now, his exasperated state not even being enough to contain it. She's just not quite sure how to go about informing them how this came to be. Matt has advised her not to ever mention it to them and she had to agree. How do you tell your family you're a venomous gold digging whore who's currently questioning her sexuality?

Pulling away, she looks down at her older brother's outfit— much more sharp than the casual attire she's used to seeing him in.

She quirks her head to the side upon noticing he also had a new hairstyle. "Oi this new job of yours is quite adult, isn't it?"

Thick brown eyebrows similar to her own furrow in confusion before she playfully gestures to his suit and hair. A blush clouds his white cheeks before he lets out a deep chuckle.

"Nauseatingly so I'm afraid." he smiles. "How are you? How's Dad— Mum?" his words come spilling out, one almost overlapping the other. Just like when they were children. Only now he paces himself better. His words don't unintentionally combine as he tries getting them out now.

"Mum's right through there with Dad. They're still running some diagnostics for the program." he nods in understanding before setting his suitcase down on one of the cushioned seats beside them.

Taking a sip from her coffee, Emilia watches as Ben shoves his hands into his pockets. "And you?"

"Mm?" Emilia hums, not really expecting the question.

"How are you doing?" those blue irises she could never really lie to prove to still wield the power only an older sibling can have as she meets them.

She tightens her grip on her cup of coffee, grasping for some kind of stability.

"What are you doing worrying about me for?" Emilia asks playfully, trying desperately to avoid the question she's not even sure she has an answer for.

"I'm your older brother. It is quite literally my job to worry about you for entirety of my life." he reminds her.

"Lucky you." she smiles.

"Emmy." he tries again, borderline pleading. His voice takes a more serious tone. "How are you, really? I know I haven't reached out as much as I should—"

"No, don't do that." Emilia cuts him off. "You've reached out plenty. As much as you could. You have a family of your own now, Ben."

"You're still my family." he resists.

"I know that. But you have a newborn and wife at home and this new disgustingly adult job of yours. Face it mate, you're currently more fucked than I am." Before he can get out what he wanted to say, a string of his own boisterous laughter cuts him off.

Emilia joins him, relief washing over her chest as she feels the tension leaving the air.

"Let that sit for a minute," she starts, once their laughter settles. "No, but please. Don't do that. And don't worry about me. I'm fine. I'm a big girl now, Ben. I can take care of myself." she smiles, and her words hold some truth to them.

While she knows she isn't fine, but she's much better than where she initially was. Regarding her fathers situation, anyway.

Romantically she is quite sure her emotions are her own specially crafted hell.

"Right. Well, as soon as you stop referring to yourself as a big girl, I'll take you more seriously. But for the time being, please, return my calls. I'm here. So is Jules. She misses you, you know. A text or visit every now and then wouldn't kill you."

Emilia feels her heart sink in that moment.

She only assumed Julia wanted her space these past few weeks— and that was before she became so wrapped up in this whole Stefani situation.

"I-- yes, absolutely. Tell her I'm sorry, it's just been..."

"Fine?" Ben finishes for her, the look on his face making her bite her cheek in disdain amusement.

"Very funny."

"I'd like to think so. But don't worry. She gets it. She just misses you is all." Emilia nods, understanding very well a home cooked meal, bottle of wine and friends marathon is long overdue on her end.

She's a terrible sister in law. And an even worse aunt.

Feeling a vibration in her coat pocket, she glances down her coat to see a bright light illuminating out of the dark crevice.

"Any idea of when we can go in to see them?" Ben asks suddenly. Emilia looks up from her phone to see her brother glancing at his wristwatch.

"You can go in now, I was just getting some coffee. Tea was out." she makes a point of saying. "Go on without me, I have to make a call."

"Oh, alright. Are you leaving?"

"No, no. Just have to make a call." she smiles when the pause lingers. "Go on." Ben rolls his eyes, a sly smile of his own sneaking it's way onto his face before he collects his things to leave.

"Send Matty my love." he teases. She only hopes the guilt at the sound of his name isn't apparent on her face.

Watching him turn the corner towards their Father's room, Emilia glances over the new text message before maneuvering her way to press the call button. Stefani answers on the second ring.

"Hello?" she hears on the other end, the surprise in her voice not being lost on Emilia.

"Hi." she says in return, her voice stable but higher in pitch than she'd like. She clears her throat before she goes on. "Are you busy?"

She hears what she can swear is the buzz of a busy office on the other end— chatter, machines, phone call rings. Things that should have Stefani's attention.

"Not at all." The background noise disappears and Emilia can picture Stefani closing her office door. "Tell me, what can I do for you Miss Clarke?"

"You could tell me the truth." Emilia teases, the little voice in the back of her head whispering "you first".

Stefani's laughter on the other end brings her back. "But I am." She professes, and like clock work, an office phone rings.

"Mm. Shouldn't you get that?" Emilia goes on. Suddenly, the ringing stops.

"Get what?" this time, they both burst out in laughter like school girls.

Once their laughter settles, Stefani is the one to start the conversation again. "So are you going to keep accusing me of being mendacious or did this phone call have a purpose?"

"That depends, are you going to keep proving me right?" Emilia smiles, wishing she could see the one she knows is currently gracing Stefani's face. There's a brief pause before Emilia finally decides she just needs to get on with it. "Are you free later this week?"

"Why, do you miss me?" Stefani rasps into the phone, allowing that familiar rush to travel from Emilia's stomach and down south.

Only this time, she doesn't push it down. This time, she almost welcomes it.

"Yes." She doesn't feel the need to dance around it anymore. All that has gotten her is thoughts that won't fade and feelings that are increasingly getting harder to not act on.

She forgetting this has to be a transaction.

"Do you miss me?"

"Yes." Stefani rasps again, the beat she doesn't miss letting Emilia know that she has her right where she needs her.

"Brilliant. How does Thursday evening work for you?" Stefani's answer is immediate.

"That works perfectly for me."

"Then it's settled. Thursday I'm yours. I'll see you then, Germanotta." The smile that fights it's way onto her lips is one she doesn't mind losing to, especially when the warmth that distracted her creeps up her neck in a way she has never experienced.

"See you then, Clarke." Emilia is the one to end the call, the phone in her hand forgotten as she lets their conversation settle in.

an // IM BAAAAAACK. And I'm gayer than ever. So let's buckle in gentlemen, they's and gays. We're in for one sapphic fucking ride.