Nick Peterson hasn't been alone with his ex-girlfriend since the breakup. Not like this, anyway.

Not in painful silence, not in the way Kaia's sitting like she's about to give Nick a job interview. Not in the way they find talking so difficult when it was as easy as breathing before, and not in the way they don't love each other.

Correction. Not in the way Kaia doesn't love him.

His eyes and face still burn.

"Thank you," Nick starts, clearing his throat and shifting in his seat. He's looking everywhere except for Kaia's face. "For agreeing...to do this."

This was a bad idea, but it was his idea, and he'd rather do this than watch his mother, father, and brothers crumble in front of him.

Nick blames the Disease. He—he blames it for his brother, for Orion, for consuming them. What kind of shit is cruel enough to be so feared? People are afraid to love, and people are afraid to be loved.

Love is already cruel enough.

"I like to think I'm saving you from an unnecessary death at the hands of Helene," Kaia jokes, mouth curving into a smile.

Nick lets out a small chuckle, shaking his head. "I owe you my life, then."

"Noted with thanks. So, how are we going to do this?"

His eyes focus on Kaia's dark, big ones. "I think my mom knows there's something off with us. I...I kind of change the subject when she brings you up, or tell her you're busy or make up some excuse when she wants to call...but she probably thinks we just fought, so we're just going to convince her that we've worked things out and we're still, you know." He vaguely gestures around with one hand, eyes on the scar on her forehead. "In love."

"And are you going to be okay with doing that?"

Nick swallows thickly. "Huh?"

"Nick. Come on." Kaia laughs a bit, leaning back against her chair with crossed arms. "We're going to share a room and act affectionate with each other. Kiss, hug, hold hands in front of them. No one's going to buy our act if you look like you're having spasms whenever we're breathing the same air."

He scoffs, head turning away. "I do not look like I'm having spasms."

"You can't even look at me," she points out.

Nick forces his head to turn back to her. Forces himself to stare at her eyes, even though the rest of his body freezes up because, well, this is the girl he still loves. "I can look at you."

Kaia's eyebrow raises, and she leans forward, propping her elbows on the table. "It took you almost a year to be able to hold eye contact with me longer than ten seconds. It also took almost a year for you to kiss me and hold my hand without freaking out or running away. We have a few days before your family is expecting us home, how do I know you can—"

He grabs her hand across the table and squeezes it. Kaia's mouth closes.

Nick raises one eyebrow. "This is how you know," he says, interlacing their fingers together. Still keeping her gaze.

For all of his braveness, the back of his eyes sting and prickle, like they're threatening to spill his secret right then and there. And for all of his braveness, holding Kaia's hand makes his stomach drop, remembering this familiar yet unfamiliar warmth he'd forgotten for nine months, remembering all the times his parents had practically claimed her as their future daughter-in-law, asked them when the wedding would be. All the times Helene coddled Kaia and took care of her like her own child, because she only had boys and she's always wanted a girl.

He wonders if she's thinking the same thing.

Her hand is slack from surprise, but she squeezes Nick's fingers back slowly, blinking at him. "That look."

Nick doesn't know what look she's talking about. "What?"

"You look like you're still in love with me," Kaia says in awe, tilting her head in amazement.

The heartache in Nick's chest blinks its eyes open and shakes the dust off.

"I'm practicing," Nick says, and lets go of her hand. He hides it under the table, flexes the fingers, and fists it, nails digging into his skin. He looks at his lap.

"Practice is good," Kaia chirps. From the corner of Nick's eye, he sees her take a sip of her chocolate chip Frappuccino. Her favorite. "So tell me what you've been up to for the past nine months. I have to convince your family I still know you, Nick Peterson."

It's not said, but Nick gets the message.

She knows the Nick Peterson she loved—flesh and bone. Heart.

But not the Nick Peterson she doesn't love.

*

Cassia opens the door rather loudly. "Is it true? What Kaia said?"

"And what is it that Kaia said?" Nick mutters, zipping his suitcase.

"Dude," Yves's voice cuts in, coming from behind Cassia, entering his living room. "This is a stupid idea. I can't believe you had enough stupid in you to think of this idea."

Nick stands up, pushes his glasses up his nose, and faces his friends. He raises an eyebrow. "Did you two just come in together?"

"You have eyes, don't you?" Yves deadpans. "Well, you still have eyes. You won't have any after this fucking disaster."

Cassia looks away. She steps forward and sits on the couch with crossed arms, shaking the iced coffee in her hand. "I was storming over here and he just met me along the way."

Orion already went home for the holidays. Cassia's flight is not for another few days, and Yves is just...he just refuses to go home. 

"Kaia's packing her bags," the brunette snaps, face set in an angry frown. "And she said you're going to act like you're still together in front of your family."

"Yep," Nick says. "That's essentially it."

"And what if one of you gets the Disease?" Yves barks, stepping forward. His voice is loud and furious enough to make Nick blink at him—it's one of the few times he's ever seen him so angry. "Did you not even think this through, Nick?"

"I thought about what my family would feel if they knew we broke up," Nick answers calmly, rolling his shoulders back, staring at his friend. "And I decided not to hurt them."

"Not yet," Yves corrects in a hiss, nostrils flaring. "And what if you start crying? What, then, you fucking idiot?"

Hm. That would be a problem if Nick wasn't already crying the stars. He shrugs. "Then I cry. I move away. Whatever. I'm not going to allow my parents to lose another kid to this fucking Disease. And right now, they don't need to be afraid of that."

"Yet," Cassia bites. "Nick, if either of you get hurt—"

"Kaia's not going to get hurt, she won't love me again," Nick mutters carelessly, pulling his suitcase to its wheels.

"And you?" Yves questions. "Am I going to have to hear your screams, haul your blind ass everywhere, too? You wanna be like O?"

Nick looks at him. He sets his jaw. "Orion's blindness wasn't his fault. All he did was love."

"And look where that love got him, where it got Robb," his friend hisses, stepping forward.

"Yves," Cassia snaps, standing up. She grabs his arm and pulls him back, but Yves's eyes stay on Nick. "Shut up, you're taking this way too far."

Nick keeps Yves's stare. He says lowly, "I'm going to forget you said that because I know you're angry and you care. But say that shit again and I'll kill you. I'll see you both after the holidays."

He grabs his suitcase, his bags, and slams the door closed on the way out.

*

Helene is already waiting by the front door when Nick pulls up.

Beside him, his ex-girlfriend takes a deep breath and gives him a wide smile. "Showtime?"

Nick leans his head back and cracks his neck, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. They're sore and painful from the episode last night, and it feels like the branding iron's still sizzling at the back of his sockets, but his vision's still a bit clear, and there's color. Kaia's hair is baked mud brown under the sun, her eyes are dark, her lips are her favorite shade of the 420 blushed red lipstick, and her nails are chipped blue from the polish she attempted to paint them with a few days ago.

He inhales deeply and smiles back at her, opening the doors. "Yeah. Showtime."

As soon as Nick rounds the car, Kaia grabs his hand, and the shock of it takes time to settle in his skin, in his bones, but he squeezes her fingers as soon as the shock wears off, and his mother greets them with open arms. "Nicholas, Kaia!"

"Mom." He lets go of Kaia's hand to hug her briefly, closing his eyes at her scent.

And then she pulls Kaia for a hug. "Auntie," Kaia greets, hugging her tight.

"You haven't been calling or visiting," Helene mutters, faking a disappointed frown. Her hands squeeze Kaia's shoulders. "I've missed you, dear."

"Ah, Mom, Kaia's been busy," Nick tries to say, rubbing the nape of his neck, but she cuts in and chirps, "I'm really sorry, Auntie, but I've been keeping my promise. Feeding him, taking care of him." Kaia clicks her tongue and shakes her head, sighing. "I think that should count for something."

Nick's mom lets out a joyous laugh, leading her inside, steering the conversation to how Nicholas is such a matchstick, how he needs someone to order the sauce for him, and Kaia's just agreeing, adding in her own sentiments, and Nick just stands by the door. "Alright!" he says loudly. "I'm going to get the bags. Good to know you're happy to see me, Mom."

As Kaia predicted, the room Helene prepared for them was the basement's—just like the last time they were here together. It's been cleaned thoroughly; the double bed standing in the middle of the oak floors given new sheets, the dust that's collected on the dressers and cabinets gone, and the broken shower rod in the bathroom conveniently fixed. Nick opens the faucet with one hand and water comes running out. The last time he was here, the pipelines weren't even working anymore.

He sets the bags down on opposite sides of the room—Kaia's on the right, near the bathroom, and Nick's on the left, beside the cabinet. He hears his mother and Kaia laugh and talk upstairs, like they're long lost friends.

Nick's jealous. Kaia's friends with his mother but not with him.

He lightly presses his fingers to his eyes, grunting at the barely-there numb pain in them, and looks at the mirror. They're still brown.

Trudging up the steps, he returns to the kitchen, where Helene's feeding his ex with delivered fried chicken. Kaia has a whole leg in her mouth.

"So Kaia told me about your fight," his mom starts, clearing her throat.

Nick looks at Kaia. She shrugs, and says with her mouth full, "She said that you've been sad lately whenever she asks you about me. And I told her it's because of that—that fight we had."

"Ah." They talked about this when they met up and in the car. Nick takes a seat beside her, takes a napkin, and presses it to the corner of her lips. He ignores her wide eyes and his shaking fingers. "I was jealous and irrational and it...it was just nasty."

"Nicholas." Helene clicks her tongue. "I raised you better than that."

"It's okay, Auntie," Kaia assures her, grinning and holding her hand. "Nick's good to me. Believe it or not, he takes care of me, too."

Helene gives her a smile back, clasping her hand. "I'm glad, dear. I'm so glad."

Nick meets Kaia's eyes. It's the truth—he did take care of her.

He just wishes he'd done a better job at it.

*

Nick's brothers arrive one by one before dinner. It causes some kind of war to break out.

"Kaia!" River yells, tackling her in a bear hug.

"Little K!" Harlan shouts, ruffling her hair.

"KK!" Jude howls, grabbing her by the neck, not even putting down his bags. "Where you been, little sister?"

Each one of their entrance has left Kaia with no breathing ability, but she hugged them back just as tight, feet lifting off the ground, breathless laughs leaving her lips.

It's too easy, then, to wrap an arm around her waist, pretend to be annoyed by his brothers' teasing, ignore the drop in his stomach when she reaches to cup his cheek, put a hand on his knee, smile at him, eyes twinkling. And the good thing about dinner, and being around his family, is that it's too noisy and chaotic to pay such scrutinizing attention to them—they're all just used to having Kaia as part of the conversation, seated beside Nick, seamlessly filling the space left for her in the family.

Nick just hopes he doesn't look like it's the first time he's been looked at and touched by Kaia in nine months.

And it shouldn't be so easy acting in love with your ex, but that was just it—Nick isn't acting. He's not acting when he stares at her too long, and River notices and kicks him under the table with wagging eyebrows. He's not acting when he brushes her hair away from covering her face while she's busy chewing, and his brothers whistle and holler annoyingly, but Kaia only grins at him in thanks. And he's not acting when, his brothers grab him off the table and into the backyard for a little dodgeball game before they head to bed, he kisses her on the cheek and says, "Have fun with my mom."

And then Kaia chases after him, hops onto his back, and demands to be included in the game. She kisses his cheek, too, before she lets go of him.

It's only in their room that Nick gets to breathe. Kaia heads to the bathroom first.

Yves has a message on his phone. how's it going

Nick types his reply, running a hand through his face. good

His friend only takes a minute. ok

Nick tosses his phone on the bed.

The bathroom door opens, and Kaia comes out in a huge shirt and boxer shorts, drying her hair with a towel. "That wasn't so bad, was it?"

Her voice is softer now with only the two of them in the room, but it also seems louder. The burn in Nick's eyes go from numb to a throbbing, noticeable pain.

He nods once, gives her a tight-lipped smile. "Yeah. That was good. I'm—I'm sorry about all the—"

"Don't," she says gently, mouth curving upwards. "I know what I agreed to, Nick. And we were both doing it, so don't worry about it. I don't think your mom was suspicious at all, either."

Nick purses his lips and bows his head. Exhaustion takes over his body. "Yeah."

The mattress dips. Kaia sits on her side, and without looking at him, she murmurs, "They're angry at us, aren't they? Our friends."

Nick has no doubt Cassia gave her an earful, just like Yves did. He's just pretty sure that Cassia didn't bring up a dead sibling. "They wouldn't be our friends if they weren't," Nick mutters, standing up. He heads to the bathroom and washes up. Prepares himself for sharing a bed with someone he'd shared his life to for three and a half years.

They stick to their sides, silent. Dark. Nick hears Kaia's breathing.

Then she whispers, "Our friends don't understand, but I do. You're a good son, Nick. You love them, and they love you."

Nick stares at the ceiling. "Maybe I'm just selfish."

The little laugh Kaia lets out makes Nick dig his fingernails into his flesh under the blanket. "Nah. I wouldn't have loved you if you were that kind of person."

Kaia says nothing else, and she falls asleep.

He wants to ask: but why did you stop?

But he remembers he's not a selfish person, and nothing's more selfish than faulting Kaia for something he did first.

*

In the Peterson house at Christmas, it's all about the cooking and the eating and the drinking.

Mostly about the drinking.

"I'm going to the music room and I'm going to bring a doormat," Harlan says.

"I'm going to bring a cat?" Jude tries.

"No, you can't come. Drink." Harlan crosses his legs and looks at River.

"Uh, I'm going to bring a..." He narrows his eyes and looks around. "A cookie." He takes one on the table and bites it.

"You can't come. Drink."

On the couch, Nick's dad scratches his head. "I'm going to bring my wife," he says proudly, wrapping an arm around her.

"You can't come," Harlan decides, shaking his head. "Drink."

Beside Nick on the floor, Kaia huffs. "Go alone then."

Harlan grins. "What are you bringing, Little K?"

She leans forward and puts a fist under her chin, narrowing her eyes at his brother. "I'm going to bring a straw."

"Sorry, you can't come." He sighs, gesturing to her shot. "Drink. Nick?"

He knows this game already. Flatly, he says, "I'm going to bring a robot."

"You can come!" Harlan shouts in glee. "Nick's out!"

"What?" River snaps, angry.

"I don't get it," Jude says.

Kaia looks at him, eyebrows furrowing. She leans in and whispers, "I wanna come, too."

"Hey!" River shoves her off him. "No cheating, no girlfriend privileges here."

Kaia pushes him as well. "Fine," she bites out.

Nick laughs. "Sorry, babe."

Harlan nudges their mother. "Mom, what are you bringing?"

"I'm going to bring..." Her face sets in concentration. "A balloon."

"Nah, sorry. You can't come either."

Jude fills her glass. "What the fuck."

Kaia slaps the floor. "Go, go, continue."

"I'm going to the music room and I'm going to bring milk," Harlan says.

Jude says chips. River says blanket. Alex says shower cap. Kaia says laptop. Helene says fuzzy duck.

"Mom can come!" Harlan howls.

"Yes!" Helene pumps her fist in the air.

Growling in frustration, Kaia moves closer to Harlan. "Go," she barks in her slurred voice, cheeks reddening.

"I'm going to the music room and I'm going to bring soap," Harlan continues with a wicked grin.

Nick shakes his head, leaning back, leisurely drinking his beer.

"Shampoo!" Jude yells.

"Drink."

"Oh my God, I get it," River says, putting a hand to his mouth, eyes wide. "I'm going to bring a ladder!"

"You can come, brother!"

"What!" Kaia shrieks.

"Chocolates?" Nick's dad tries.

"Sorry, chocolates aren't allowed in the music room," River says, smug, clicking his tongue.

"Bear! Firewood! Clock! Bones! Meat!" Kaia rattles off angrily.

"Drink, drink, drink, drink, and drink," Harlan tells her, and Nick fills her glass, snickering.

"Wait!" Jude stands up, holding a finger up. He points at Harlan and says, "I'm going to bring a timer?"

"Yes!"

"Holy shit!" Jude jumps around, laughing happily, high-giving his brothers.

"Doritos!" Alex yells in glee.

"Yes, you can come!" Harlan hugs him.

"I'm not going to your stupid music room!" Kaia shouts in anger.

"Sorry, little sister." Jude puts an arm around her in mock sadness.

Kaia grabs him by the collar and hisses, "Tell me. Or I'll go fucking crazy."

His brother meets Nick's eyes, and his mouth widens mischievously. Turning back to Kaia, he says, "Kiss our baby brother in front of us and we'll tell you."

His ex releases him, pushing him away. She crawls to Harlan and mutters pleadingly, "Gummy bears. Lights. Guitar. Keyboard. Tambourine. Sodas. Your fucking heart after I kill you."

"That was seven shots," Harlan tells her. "You still can't come, I'm sorry."

Nick stands up, grinning and shaking his head at Kaia's incredulous expression. "Alright, that's enough. She'll be wasted—"

Without warning, Kaia makes an exasperated noise, grabs Nick by the neck, and kisses him.

Nick's breath gets lost in his throat, and his eyes flutter closed.

It doesn't feel new, but it also does—like meeting someone again after you haven't seen them in a long time. Reacquaintance.

And it hurts. Oh, it hurts so good.

It's short, it's ordinary—something they used to do every night and every day, a greeting hello and a greeting goodbye, an I love you and I'm sorry, an I missed you—but to Nick, it's the most he's felt in the last nine months.

He's cried the incredibly painful stars, but impossibly...this hurts more.

Kaia's fingers tangle themselves in his hair. And then she's gone. She turns to River. "Well?"

Nick is shaking. He needs her back so badly he's shaking with it. He's shaking from fingers and skin and toes and organs and heart. His lips tingle.

River whistles lowly. "The pattern is do re mi."

"Jesus Christ," Kaia whispers, slumping down on the couch. His family members laugh at her.

Nick doesn't know how he moves, but he does, helps his parents and brothers clean around the kitchen and the living room. More than once, Nick catches his mother staring at the side of his face. He pretends he doesn't notice.

His skin burns, his head throbs. His breathing is short, like there's not enough oxygen in his lungs, not enough blood in his veins. Nick drops the mug he's washing on the sink, a scream in the middle of his throat.

"Nick?" Helene's voice asks in worry, already moving towards him.

Nick's entire system seizes up. "I'm fine, I'm just dizzy,," he manages to choke out, voice uneven, the cry threatening to rip out in between the words. In his blurred vision, he stumbles towards the stairs. "I'm going to—to bed early."

Jude meets him and puts a hand on his shoulder. "Whoa, Nicky, you okay—"

"Fine," he struggles to get out, pushes past him, tumbles down the stairs.

He slams the bathroom door closed, tearing his glasses away from his face. Opens his mouth in a silent scream, scratching at the tiles, the pain from the tears in his eyes excruciatingly burning his skin as they fall across his cheeks, leaving behind the jingling sounds of the bells.

His ribs heave like they're bound by ropes, heart pattering in his chest like a rabbit running for its skin, and in his head, there's pounding on his temples, the top of his skull being crushed like a helmet that keeps getting tighter—and behind the bells, behind the bells that pealed so loud in echoes, Nick hears the knocks on the door.

"Nick?" Kaia's voice says. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"Fuck, fuck," he hissed out in pained breaths, clawing at his cheeks, the stars falling freely to the floor. "I'm okay!" he yells, close to breaking his own wrists before he tears his burning eyes out of its sockets. "Give me—give me a sec!"

The doorknob jiggles. "You don't sound okay," Kaia says, worry lacing her tone. "Are you sure—"

"Yes!" Nick chokes, hauling himself up to his feet, stumbling to the sink. His trembling fingers open the faucet. "Yes, I'm fine," he says, head nearly exploding.

Nick meets himself in the mirror.

His eyes are red. He catches the exact moment the glass star pierces through it, and he screams.

"Nick, open the door!" Kaia yells.

"No!" Nick howls, crashing to the ground, voice cracking. "Please, please, stop," he cries in a whisper, pulling his hair, curling in on himself. "Stop crying, stop fucking crying."

Miraculously, the excruciating pain subsides. It makes Nick fall across the ground, heaving, scratching at his chest for oxygen.

His legs find the strength to move from the incessant worry in Kaia's voice outside the door. In the mirror, his eyes are back to brown. Small needles are only prickling at the back of them. His vision is still clear.

He puts on his glasses, flushes the toilet and opens the door.

"Fucking hell," Kaia snaps, an angry set to her jaw. "What happened?"

"I threw up," Nick answers hoarsely, swiping the back of his hand to his sweaty face. He puts on a smile. "It was...disgusting. Sorry."

She stares at him and sighs, putting a hand on her forehead. "You got me worried for a bit there."

"Sorry," he says again, sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm...I'm actually exhausted, so I'm going to wash up and head to bed, is that okay?"

"Yeah, of course." Her eyebrows are furrowed, and she searches his face. Then, quietly, she murmurs, "I'm sorry about the kiss."

"It's fine," Nick says. It gave him agonizing pain and suffering, but it's fine. "That was good. Doing it. In front of them."

She purses her lips. "You know. I was just...your mom pulled me aside downstairs. Earlier, before dinner."

Oh, shit. Nick swallows thickly. "And?"

"She just..." Kaia takes a deep breath, and a sad smile passes through her face. "She thanked me for taking care of you. When I haven't done that in months."

Nick looks down at the floor. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't—" She laughs breathlessly. "It's just that I didn't do anything to deserve that—that kind of gratitude. She trusts that I was taking care of you then, that I'm doing it now, and in the future...but in truth..."

"It's not your fault," Nick tells her softly, raising his head, meeting her eyes. "I asked you to do this. And if you want to go home now, I'll drive you—"

"No." She gives him a kind smile and shakes her head. "No, it's okay. I just felt sad, I guess, but I understand why you asked me to do this, which is why I agreed." She shrugs once. "We're leaving tomorrow afternoon, anyway. And I had a fun time, I missed your brothers and your parents."

Nick smiles at her. "They did, too."

"Shows." Kaia grins. "Um, go wash up. You're tired."

"Yeah. Thanks." He takes his toothbrush from his holder while Kaia closes the door, but she stops it from closing halfway and looks at him.

Nick blinks at her. "What?"

"That's mine," she tells him, raising an eyebrow. "The purple one. Yours is the blue."

Nick stares at the toothbrush in his hand. And then the one at the holder. They're both gray.

Fuck. He forces out a laugh and puts it back, hurriedly grabbing the other one. "Sorry, mixed it up for a sec. Thanks."

"No prob," Kaia chirps, and then she's gone.

Nick puts his palms on the sink and bows his head, tossing the toothbrush on the counter. He fishes out his phone from his pocket and calls Orion, sinking to the floor.

"Hello? Who is this?" his best friend says.

Nick sighs. "Hey, O. It's Nick. How's Hilde Perkins as a support group?"

*

if youre still reading ilysm and kaia kissed nick icb this girl