Kaia Porter wakes up with a jolt, the last of his scream in her ear.

She pants, catching her breath, skin hot and flushed. Her heart is still racing, and she crawls back up against the headboard and hugs her knees, rocking back and forth to calm herself down.

It's been a year. It's been a year and—and she still hears his screams.

She keeps her eyes open because if she shuts her eyes, she'll see Nick on the ground, glass piercing his eyes, bleeding red and shaking from the torturous and excruciating pain of love.

Her boyfriend stirs beside her, and Kaia freezes, holding her breath.

He's been deprived of sleep because he wakes up with Kaia screaming after a nightmare, and he has to hug her to calm her down and kiss her hair and rock her while she sobs.

And then she saw a therapist, and it was hard to—to talk about it, to talk about him, but it helped. She stopped screaming at night.

But the dream still comes and goes. Kaia thinks Nick's agonizing cry will forever haunt her.

That's what she gets. That's what she gets for what she did to him.

(Her therapist said it was never her fault. Nick didn't tell her, and he chose not to.)

(But how is she supposed to believe him when it was her name he was screaming?)

Her boyfriend doesn't wake. Kaia doesn't go back to sleep.

*

"You look dead."

Kaia manages a small smile, rolls her eyes, and sips on her milkshake. "You could say that. I'm busting my ass off at work."

"Babe," Cassia says, pouting. "The last time we saw each other, you promised me you weren't going to be a hermit."

"I'm not!" Kaia defends herself, furrowing her eyebrows. She gestures to herself and slaps the table. "I'm here, aren't I?"

"A weekly catch-up with your best friend doesn't count. And I know you haven't been leaving the house."

Kaia clenches her jaw and bites her straw, leaning back against the couch. "You can't use your boyfriend to spy on me."

"He's not spying, he's only worried about you," Cassia says sweetly, grinning. Her phone lights up on the table, and her entire face lights up, too, reading the message. "Ah, he's here."

The glow on Cassia's face is unmistakeable. Kaia rolls her eyes, sighs loudly, and shoots her friend a here we go again look.

The brunette doesn't care. She stands up and kisses Yves on the mouth when he reaches them. He grins at Kaia. "Hey, doll."

"Fucking stop calling me that." She throws a napkin in his direction.

He dodges that and takes the seat next to Cassia, spreading his legs wide open, one arm around her shoulders. "Now why would I do that if it gets you riled up so easily?"

"Babe," Cassia says sternly.

"Fine," Yves says, picking up Cassia's fork with the steak and shoves it in his mouth. He raises his eyebrow at Kaia. "Aren't you joining civilization again? We're throwing a party for O this weekend."

Beside him, Cassia's face shifts uncomfortably, but it's so, so subtle that Yves doesn't notice it.

Kaia catches it, though.

A few weeks after Nick was shipped away by his family, after finding out about his condition, Cassia told Orion about Yves.

And he only said, "I don't mind if you can't love me the way I do, Cassia. The way you love Yves. I'm already blind, anyway."

And although it was a...rocky start for Orion to hang out with Cassia and Yves together, even though he couldn't see them—he's accepted it.

The guilt of hurting him—twice—hasn't left Cassia, though.

Kaia wonders how she's able to live with it, but so long as she's with the person she loves, right?

She sips on her milkshake before she whispers the question at the tip of her tongue. "Is he coming?"

"Yes," Yves tells her, fingers playing with Cassia's over her shoulder. He stares at her. "You can't run from him forever, Kaia. Sooner or later you're going to have to accept what happened to him, because Nick chose it. He wanted it."

"It's not your fault, K," Cassia tells her, for the nth time, with a gentle smile. "Nick doesn't blame you. He could never."

"Like Orion doesn't blame you? Because he loves you, still?"

It was a low blow. But Kaia was tired of hearing her friends and her therapist and her boyfriend say that Nick's blindness isn't her fault.

It is. It will always be her fault.

Cassia's smile fades, and she looks hurt, and Kaia regrets it but doesn't take it back.

"Watch it," Yves snaps, face and attitude shifting to a complete one-eighty. Here's the Yves Grimaldi Kaia knows.

He leans forward and says, "You can be mad at yourself. Don't fucking take it out on her."

The truth was...she's sure Cassia's mad at herself, too.

But all she ever did was love. Why is it her fault?

"Sorry," Kaia whispers, grabbing her friend's hand. "Sorry, I just—I'm just dealing with it. Still. I'm sorry."

Cassia hugs her. Says she understands.

And Kaia can be mad at herself. She can, but she's also mad at Nick.

Can she do that? Can she do that to a person she's brought suffering and pain and blindness to?

Kaia doesn't know. She doesn't want to.

*

"Am I sitting next to the grumpy hermit Kaia Porter or is this someone else?"

She looks up from her shot and meets Orion's smiling face. His eyes are focused on her ear. "You're right. It's the grumpy hermit."

Orion laughs and brings his glass forward. "Were you at least there when all these people sang happy birthday and I didn't know what the fuck to do?"

"Yes." Kaia smiles and clinks their glasses together. "I sang for you, birthday boy. And then I moved to a corner and sulked by myself because I'm hiding from Cass."

"Ah." His smile wavers, and he tips his head back to down his shot. "Or she'll drag you to the dance floor."

Kaia winces. Cassia would always drag Orion to the dance floor at parties. "Sorry," she mutters.

Orion shakes his head. "Don't worry about it," he says gently, still smiling, swirling his glass with his finger. "Nothing I can do if she doesn't love me anymore, Kaia. S'not like I can be blind a second time."

"You can be hurt a second time," Kaia whispers.

Orion shrugs. "If it's Cassia, it's fine. I'll love her as long as she can hurt me."

Kaia lets out a scoff, and she drinks her shot in one go.

Orion hugs her, tells her he needs to talk to his other guests, and leaves. Kaia stays there with her eyes glued to the door, heart pounding in her chest.

When Nick comes in, Kaia stills.

His hair is longer, but it's still shaggy and brown. He looks tall and still bony. He's dressed like he was before—just a simple shirt with a jacket and faded blue jeans, and there's a familiar smile on his face as his brother, River, leads him across the crowd with his hands on his shoulders.

Nick looks like he hasn't changed, and it's only his eyes that did.

They aren't brown anymore. They're not coffee brown, mudpie brown, gravy brown.

They're gray. He's blind.

Kaia's hands shake and she almost drops her glass. Her legs feel like jelly holding her up, and she watches Nick—her once-love—greet Yves and Orion and she needs to hear—needs to hear his voice when he's not screaming and she needs to look at him and his eyes and face what she's done to him so she can finally—finally accept it.

This was what Nick wanted, she chants to herself, pushing past bodies on her way over, legs shaking, hands trembling. This was what Nick chose. He said he'll never forgive you if you loved him out of guilt.

Kaia reaches him. Beside him, River's eyes harden, but Kaia doesn't care right now that his brother despises her for doing this to him.

She taps Nick on the shoulder, and he turns around.

Kaia stares at his gray—once a beautiful coffee brown, mudpie brown, gravy brown—eyes.

"Hello," Kaia whispers.

"Hi," Nick says, confused, and his voice has her scrambling for breath because she hasn't heard it in a year. Not when he's not screaming. "Sorry, I can't see." He chuckles, scratching his ear. "Who, uh, who are you?"

Kaia blinks. Maybe he's forgotten what she sounds like, too. "It's me, Nick. Kaia."

Nick's still smiling, but he only blinks at the name, shaking his head slowly.

Kaia's nails dig into her palms. "Kaia Porter," she says.

Nick's eyes don't find hers. They can't. "Who?"