Kaia Porter made a wrong turn.

"Fuck," she mutters, clenching her teeth. She turns on her signal and switches lanes, ready to U-turn.

On the speakers of her car, Cassia scoffs. "That's your answer to my question? I said, 'what are you doing tonight, K?', because I'm a good friend, and I'm inviting you to my house for a study sesh, but you're going to fuck? Who, biatch? Is it Mark, Jordan, Safaa...? It's hard to keep up with your long list of potential co-fuckeries."

Kaia rolls her eyes, leaning back against the headrest with one hand on the wheel. "My answer to your question is Hansen. The 'fuck' was because I made a wrong turn on the way home."

Dramatically, her friend gasps. "You were going to Nick's apartment again, weren't you?"

"I was just distracted," Kaia answers nonchalantly, picking at her chapped lip with her finger. "And I've lived there almost all my college life."

"Sure," Cassia scoffs. "You can just admit you miss Nick, you know? Sure you broke up, but you can still miss him. You loved him once."

Kaia's eyebrows furrow together, and she purses her lips. Was it that? Was she subconsciously driving home—to Nick's house—instead of the one she shared with her annoying roommate, because she misses him?

To be perfectly honest, Kaia will say that she does miss Nick. It was the hardest pill to swallow in the beginnings of their breakup, because it could've meant that she still loved him.

But Kaia cried, a week after, because she was going home, and she pulled up her message window with him, and then halfway through the message she stops—thinks oh, right. We broke up. Deletes the whole thing, and then just—breaks down.

But there are no stars. They're all water—and it might not have hurt as much as the glass (from what she knows of them), but it hurts in the organ in her chest. Nick didn't know how to love, but he taught himself to, and he loved her quietly, but his actions were loudest, and Kaia would—she would miss him even when they were together, and she may not love Nick anymore, but she misses him, because he was her best friend.

There was always an "and Nick" stuck to her name since freshman year, and Kaia realized, just months after breaking up, that it was hard to be Kaia without Nick. Even just—even just as a friend.

It was hard—it is hard, but she's moving on.

"I did," she agrees with a sigh. "And I wish we could just be...friends, you know?"

"It's hard to be friends with someone you've bared your soul to," Cassia says. "And besides—give yourself time. I don't want you to be blind or whatever. Boyfriend is enough."

There's a smile in her voice at the mention of Orion, Nick's best friend. Kaia smiles, too, and pulls up in her apartment. "Invite him over for the study sesh instead. I'm going to Hansen with the lacrosse team."

"Traitor," Cassia quips, and Kaia imagines her friend rolling her eyes. "And no, I know he's going to Hansen with Nick, too."

Kaia bites her lip and shuts off the engine, twirling the key in her hand. "Even without me?"

"He can do things now without you, K," Cassia tells her. "I heard his stuttering's gone."

Kaia's so, so proud of him for that.

"And?" she asks quietly.

"And that he can hold eye contact for ten seconds now," Cassia continues. "And he can have fun, apparently, even without you and your swarm of friends. Trust me, he's coming."

Kaia smiles. That's good. That's really good. "So Orion and Nick."

"Mm," her friend hums.

Kaia raises an eyebrow. "We're missing a Powerpuff girl. He coming, too?"

"I don't care," Cassia snaps childishly. "Fucker can do whatever he wants. Anyway, if I finish this essay early, I'll see you there, too. Bye!"

Kaia grins. "Bye, babe." She takes off her bluetooth device and grabs her bag from the backseat, jumping off her car.

Her roommate isn't home yet, and Kaia's a little glad. She dumps her bag on the sofa and lies down on the bed. The covers are cold.

If she closes her eyes long enough, she'll see Nick beside her, smiling.

*

Kaia loves Nick's hands.

She loves every part of him, really, but his hands—God.

They're big, and his fingers are long, and her heart will do jumping jacks in her chest when she feels it caressing her cheek when they kiss, gripping her waist, or settled on the small of her back, or rubbing her knee while they watch a movie.

Kaia loves Nick's hands, and while she loves where he puts them on her body—it took almost a year to get them on anything other than her hand or face, really—she wants him to do more with them.

She already knows that because he loves her, he wants her. But like all things, Kaia is his first everything, and Nick struggles with physical intimacy—any type of intimacy, actually.

The first time he came to her apartment, and Kaia's in nothing but a shirt and underwear (as she always is), he slaps his hand on his eyes and stutters, "S-so I noticed you—you're kinda naked. Is that—is that intentional, or—or—?"

This was after they've kissed multiple times already.

Now, Nick's hands haven't moved from her waist as she kisses him hard, fingers tangling in his hair. He's gripping her skin, breathless, giving back as much as he's receiving, strangling on a little moan when Kaia tilts her head and moves her lips to his neck.

She feels his pulse jump, and jump, and jump, under her mouth, and she grins, whispering in his ear, "Never been kissed here before, baby?"

Kaia already knows the answer, but it's cute that her boyfriend still shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut, panting heavily.

She brushes her lips on his skin, and Nick's hands tighten on her waist.

He's so helpless and pliant under her touch. Kaia loves it.

When he's all marked up, Kaia finds his mouth again and kisses him, and Nick groans into her mouth, hips kicking up.

She hangs her head back when she feels him against her, and one hand snakes down his chest, down to his boxers.

Nick gasps, surprised, when she palms him, and squeezes his eyes shut again, buries his head on her shoulder, catching his breath. "Kaia," he whispers, hands moving away from her body, afraid to touch her now. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom—"

"Shh," she says, and Nick's still panting, his breath hot on her skin. He always runs to the bathroom when he starts to get hard, and Kaia finds him so cute, so respectful and considerate, so, so gentle—but she wants him to feel good. "I'll do it," she whispers, kissing him again, hand rubbing him.

He makes a sound in between a groan and a gasp and fists the sheet, still hiding his burning face on her shoulder. He's squirming, so desperate, and Kaia wants his hands on her body, goddamn it.

"Touch me," she snaps, pulling his boxers down.

"Where?" he gasps.

"Here." She grabs his hand with her free one and puts it on her chest, and Nick instantly pulls back, shocked and possibly scandalized, like his hand burns, eyes wide as he looks at her. Kaia raises an eyebrow. "I know you're afraid to put your hands on me but please, Nick. I want you to."

She sees his Adam's apple bob up and down, eyes still wide, and he whispers, "Okay."

Kaia's eyebrows raise. "Huh. I thought you'd run away."

He groans and hugs her tight. "I want to because I'm nervous, but I also want to...you know. Stay and—and do that. Sorry."

God. This man is gorgeous, cute, fucking endearing, kind, so damn considerate he's saying sorry for wanting to touch her. Kaia's heart grows bigger, and her smile reaches her ears, and she tells him, "You don't apologize for that, babe. I want you to."

So Nick does. Kisses her hard, whimpers in her mouth, squeezes her breast when she gets her hand on him, and he can't stop squirming and he has to hug her and bite her neck to keep still, and Kaia loves that she's his first, well, everything.

*

Nick never raises his voice at Kaia.

He did, once, out of frustration—and Kaia flinched.

And then he never did it again.

Nick loves so, so quietly. And his fear was also quiet.

Kaia felt it. She felt how hard he was trying to get those poisonous thoughts out of his head—that love will kill him, love will make him end up like his brother or Orion, that Kaia would do that to him.

The problem with Nick was that because he was quiet, his thoughts were often loud, and they—well, they managed to twist themselves in his heart, and Kaia knows Nick. Kaia knows him, and she knows his face, his body, his breath sounds, the beats of his heart—and it was impossible not to notice the shift in his expression, the dull ways in which he greeted her, the shying away from her touch in bed.

It's not always, but it happened a lot. Mostly from their arguments and screaming and crying—but it was always water when they cried. No stars.

So she thought it would pass. They both thought it would, but Kaia noticed how much time did pass—even if Nick didn't. It moved on too slowly, but she became more herself again.

She would not let her boyfriend, a boyfriend that didn't trust her enough with his fear, a boyfriend that was beginning to feel more like a stranger in their own home, stop her from living.

So when he says quietly, "So you enjoy spending more time with him than me. And spending time with your friends than me."

Kaia has learned that it's easy to hurt each other when they're hurt, and exhausted, and just...unhappy.

"You don't get to do that," Kaia tells him, setting her phone down on the counter. "You don't get to do that, because when I'm with him, or when I'm with my other friends, they don't tell me they love me and don't mean it. And Nick." She breathed out a humorless laugh, gesturing around the living room. "This feels like living with a stranger instead of my boyfriend."

"I mean it," Nick argues, voice even, small and shaky, but he didn't yell. He never yelled after that first time. "I do love you. Don't you?"

Kaia doesn't answer.

Not because she doesn't love him anymore and she doesn't know how to say it. Kaia still does—Nick still has her heart in his hands. But his hands are loose, and Kaia already knows Nick wanted to let go, because she heard his voice. Heard his fear that she'd stop loving him first.

So he did it first, and because Kaia knew herself, loved herself enough to know this wasn't what she deserved, she stopped loving Nick, too.

*

If there's anything Kaia feels guilty about since their breakup, it's watching the new Spider-man movie with another guy.

"But you don't owe him anything," Cassia tells her, raising an eyebrow as she looks up from her phone. "And Jordan paid for the tickets anyway, what were you supposed to do? Cancel on him because the movie reminds you of your ex?"

"It's not just the movie reminding me of Nick," Kaia groans, rubbing her hands on her face. "It's...we talked about it, you know? He was jumping up and down and telling me all about the movie and I just...I remember his face and his smile when he said we were going to watch it together."

She sees it in her head. Has it committed to memory because it was the first time Kaia thought: ah. This one's going to hurt. This one's going to hurt so bad.

She closes her eyes. "God."

The brunette raises an eyebrow. "Did you cry?"

"No," Kaia says, sighing. "Stop asking me that. I'm not going to get the Disease, I don't love him anymore."

"You sound like you do."

Maybe Kaia loves the way he loved her. Maybe that was it.

Just that. That's what her eyes tell her.

*

"I can't do this."

Kaia laughs, tiptoeing so she can reach his hair, carding her fingers in his strands. "You can, baby, come on!"

Nick looks at the ladder with a grimace. "I changed my mind."

He turns around, but Kaia catches his wrist and says, "You told me this was the only thing on your bucket list. Let's do it, come on."

It took a lot of convincing (and kissing...and touching...) for Nick to tell Kaia what he talked about with his therapist. He was blushing and screaming on his pillow because he was too embarrassed, until he finally whispered, "I talked about you with her. And I said you make my stomach and heart erupt in butterflies and you make me nervous even after we—we, you know—did that, and I want to do one thing with you."

The one thing was this.

Kaia grins at him. "Come on, I know you really want to have this picture."

Nick sighs, rubbing the nape of his neck. "Okay. If I don't have any legs after this, I'm blaming you."

Kaia giggles, tapping his butt, gesturing for him to go on. "Sure, babe."

"Hurry up, please," Cassia snaps, rolling her eyes. She's holding up Kaia's phone in her hand.

"Don't rush him," Kaia snaps back. "He might hurt himself."

"Sorry, Cass," Nick mutters apologetically, always the sweetest. He takes a few deep breaths, jumps on his feet, and grabs onto the first bar of the hanging ladder.

Kaia cheers. "Go, babe!"

Nick is, by all means, not athletic. He doesn't even run. The most exercise he's done is busing tables at Mo's. He's bony and tall and he feels like a ridiculously warm stick when Kaia hugs him but she loves hugging him anyway—scrawny or not.

Which is why Kaia holds her arms out in case he falls, ready to catch him.

Nick's face is red, and he swings his legs with difficulty, but he gets them up in front of his hands, and he's upside down.

Kaia claps her hands in glee, gasping.

"Kaia!" he groans. "Get over here!"

"Cass, the pic!" she calls out to her friend in panic, and she stands in front of his face, hands cradling his head sweetly, and without a second to waste, kisses him.

*

And then Nick's still staring at their Spider-man kiss picture hours later, grinning like a fool.

Kaia smiles and plops down on his lap, hugging him around the neck. "Are you that happy?"

"Yes," he answers immediately, nodding. He kisses her cheek and whispers, "This was my dream come true. Thank you."

Nick makes it his lock screen and home screen wallpaper. He even prints out a picture and stores it in his wallet.

*

Nick screams. Again.

Kaia flinches, wanting to cover her ears but doesn't, and begs, "Stop. Nick, stop."

She's crying, and she's panicking, doesn't know what to do, but she's holding his wrists with two of her hands while they shake, because he's been trying to claw at his face for the past hour, and his eyes are red and bleeding and it is wrecking, absolutely torturous to watch him cry like this.

Kaia did this. She did this to him.

"Kaia."

She looks up, and her bones go numb in relief, finding Yves and Orion kneeling towards their friend. She crawls backward on her hands and hugs herself, gasping for air. "He—he's been—screaming," she chokes out, squeezing her sore eyes shut. "C-crying, and he keeps—wanting," she stops, inhaling loudly and shakily, "to tear his eyes out."

Orion steps closer to her, gray eyes focused on the wall behind her. Kaia imagines Nick having gray eyes, and she chokes on another sob.

Her hands go to her ears when Nick screams again. Yves is holding him down.

"Kaia," Orion says softly, reaching out to her. "Kaia, let's go. You don't need to be here for this."

"I did this," Kaia whispers. "I did this to him."

"Kaia," Orion snaps, holding out his hand. "This will go on for hours. You need to leave."

She doesn't know how, but she manages to get inside Yves's car with what little strength and numbness she has. She's shaking form head to toe, hugging herself, and her bottom lip is trembling.

Orion puts on his jacket on her body. Kaia doesn't even glance at him, but she's glad it's somewhat warmer.

It's suddenly so quiet. It's too quiet, but there's still echoes of Nick's voice, screaming in agony, in her head, and she winces, digging her nails into her arms.

Orion says, "He didn't want you to know."

Kaia almost fucking laughs. Nick has always been—has always been kind and selfless and patient but Kaia's sure that he's afraid of this. He's been afraid of this since the first time—God, when did he first know?—and he never said anything to her because he's that fucking selfless. Or selfish?

"He's been driving," Kaia whispers, staring straight ahead. "He's been driving—how—"

"He's colorblind already. Just now," Orion says quietly. "And usually, it's going to take a long time for people like us to lose all vision. It starts with little fragments first. But I think...because you've been pretending to love him for his mother's sake, he's going to be blind by tomorrow."

Oh, God. Oh, God. "He should've told me," Kaia says, and her voice fucking shakes, and her hands are trembling. "I could've loved him again."

It's not hard. It's not hard to love Nick.

"That's not what he wants, Kaia."

"That's what he needs!" she shouts, slamming her fist on the dashboard. And then she heaves, puts her head down between her knees, gripping her hair and squeezing her eyes shut. She feels fresh tears go down her face. "He's scared, Orion," she sobs. "He's terrified."

When Nick wakes later, Kaia sees it in his eyes. His beautiful, brown eyes. Coffee brown, mudpie brown, gravy brown. Perhaps the last time she'll ever see them before they turn gray and lifeless.

But Nick is more terrified of her loving him for any other reason that's not love. He would rather die than that.

Kaia doesn't know if he's selfless or selfish, but she's angry at him, at the Disease, and at the fact that he kept his promise.

And that he wants her to keep hers, too.