6PM ON THE dot. He wasn't a second late, and Neva had to give credit where it was due.

"Remarkable what a shower can do," she hummed as she opened the door, scrunching her still damp hair with a towel. There was an attempt, albeit a thinly veiled one, to pretend as if she was unaffected by his presence.

"You almost look human," he agreed, unsure if they were at a point where they could joke with one another.

"I'm not gonna let you in if you're mean," she tried to keep a straight face, but there was a glint in her eye that gave her away.

It was just so easy to pretend like things were okay with him. Unless, maybe they were? Maybe they didn't need to fight? No, that couldn't be right.

"I'll be nice," he said, and she thought that he meant it. "I promise."

He held up his pinky finger, the glow of her fairy lights catching on the small blue bead of his bracelet, and Neva's heart hurt. Things had been so good. Why did he have to ruin them?

She realised he wasn't the only person at fault. If she hadn't been so reactive, then maybe she could have heard him out, or come to some sort of a solution.

Linking her pinky with his, she shook her palm. "You can't break a pinky promise."

"I'm not going to, Neva."

She loathed the way her name sounded coming from his mouth. It was so unfamiliar and foreign and terrifyingly strange.

"Drop the 'N', Kook."

"You sure?"

She nodded. "Please."

Inviting him in, Neva took notice of the nerves bubbling in her stomach. Everything felt a little awkward, a little off, precarious, even.

But it also felt just right. He hadn't even dropped his bags off at his own dorm, instead tucking it beside her bed along with his shoes in the little spot she always kept clear for him. The tiny octopus on her bed had been turned to a frowny face, and he smiled as he picked it up and settled it on his lap.

Neva took a seat by her desk, not wanting to get too close. It was safer if she kept him at arms length.

"So-

"I-"

God, it was painfully awkward. They only ever spoke over one another when they were both nervous, and would forget to read each other's body language.

"Sorry," she looked bashfully at her hands. "You first."

He took a moment to speak, making sure that she didn't change her mind. He paid extra attention to her body language now, only clearing his throat when she raised her eyes to encourage him.

"I, uh, I actually wanted to say that," he referenced Neva's comment.

"'You first'?" She raised a brow and smiled, knowing it's not what he meant. Her joke earned her a laugh from him, and she realised that she hadn't smiled, not properly, in quite a while.

"No, idiot. Sorry. I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

"For?"

He rolled his eyes, a soft smile settling on his lips. He liked to call this a 'Nevapology'. Never content with the word alone, she always wanted more; acknowledgement of why an apology was being made, the impact of what needed forgiving and the understanding that actions spoke louder than words.

Apologies were a rarity for Jungkook, normally always so cocksure in the fact that he was right, so if Neva was going to be given one, she wanted to know that he meant it.

He'd argued a hundred times that his infrequent use of the word already proved that he meant it when he said it - but Neva wanted more.

So he gave her more.

"I'm sorry for going rogue on you," he sighed, casting his eyes to his hands, which were playing with the soft tentacles of Neva's cuddly friend. "I had some shit to figure out, and it makes it hard to concentrate when you're all I can think about. I should have been upfront with you, and for that, I'm sorry."

Another reason she always made him explain his apologies: so that she didn't mistakenly forgive him for things that he hadn't apologised for.

"And everything that happened after?" She questioned. Her voice was neutral, trying to get a read on him. She didn't want to accuse or fight or argue. She just wanted the truth.

"Yes and no," he shrugged. There was more to coax out of him, and opportunities like these were hard to come by. It's like he was a wolf beneath a full moon, his soul bared for everyone to see, but by morning, he would be back in his regular form.

It wasn't intentional, and not something he really gave much thought to, it was just something he occasionally did; opened up.

And what a treat it was to indulge in when he did.

"Oh?" She encouraged him to elaborate.

"I'm not sorry I fucked you," he admitted and Neva didn't know if she wanted to slap him or not. Seeing the change in her expression, Jungkook laughed. "No, not like that, calm down. I'm just glad we got to do it, because I both think we needed it. Last night, too. It was needed. One final chance to... yanno. Belong to each other. Its nice, isn't it? Having somewhere that feels like home?"

If she could muster a response, Neva would have said yes, but another person's body is not a home. Not unless it's where your heart is.

"So you're saying my pussy feels like brick and motar?" Neva pushed her head back into her neck, twisting his words but in a far kinder manner than she had when they last spoke.

"Precisely," he said with a grin, pleased that Neva seemed to have eased up on her need to be offended by everything he said. "Look, I know I said some shit that wasn't very pretty, and that I let things get ugly real fast. I don't like that you decided to fuck off for a week, and I hated not knowing where you were, but I think I get it."

Neva didn't say anything, her eyelids dropping and casting her gaze to her hands. She was twiddling on the bracelet. It was important that she let him talk, let him speak his truth.

The space between them over the last week had been good for him. He looked great. Neva thought that he seemed to be doing better without her.

It was funny, really. He'd never felt worse.

"I've never been great at timing," he spoke sheepishly, his smile not quite as full as it should have been. Dimples formed above his upper lip as he pursed them shut. "You know me, Eva, better than anyone else. You know I didn't mean to hurt you. You know I just... you know I can never just let myself have what I want. I always have to make a fuckin' pigs ear of things."

The perils that came with thinking you're undeserving of love meant pushing away any and all displays of affection that could possibly prove otherwise. Neva had been like a honey bee, soft and fuzzy, pure and sweet, but Jungkook had mistaken her for a wasp. He'd panicked and swatted his arms, scaring her and causing her to sting, drawing the life from her.

"Well, what do you want?" She asked so quietly that Jungkook almost asked her to repeat herself.

He looked at her, holding gaze as if to say really? You have to ask?

Lying had never been more tempting, but he knew that it was his half truths and avoidance of difficult topics that had gotten them into this mess.

"A hug."

It wasn't a lie. He really did want a hug, but he was still being a coward as he outstretched his arms and waited for her to come to him. He knew she would. He knew she couldn't resist drinking in the way he smelt, burying her head in the crook of his neck.

She took a second or so to look at him, before her knees cracked as she stood, moving to curl up in his lap.

The elephant that had been balancing on his heart like it was a circus ball evaporated, Ring Master Neva casting some kind of faux spell to make it disappear. He didn't know how she did it, but he didn't care to ask. The magic was in the mystery.

"I really missed you."

God, she thought she would cry.

"Sorry for going nuclear," she hushed against the warm skin on his neck, goosebumps forming all over his body. He adjusted, wrapping his arms around her so tightly that he feared he might break her. Really, he was trying to put her back together again.

"I would have nuked me, too," he pressed a kiss into the top of her hair. "But do you see what I meant? That we needed to cut things out before we ruined it all completely? An argument like that further down the line..."

He paused, trying to think of how to best phrase himself without upsetting her. She didn't cut him off like she had done in her bedroom at home. Progress. Maybe. Kinda. Not really.

"We might not have come back from it," he finally continued. "But we're both on the same page, right? I don't want to lose you and you don't want to lose me. It makes sense to minimise the potential for damage."

She couldn't fault his logic. She wanted to, really, she did, but his mind was made up. There was no use embarrassing herself and looking desperate.

"So where do we go from here?

"I don't know."

"Boundaries?" She suggested, knowing that their current position was probably crossing one. "Establishing them?"

Jungkook absolutely did not want to establish boundaries. He wanted to press tiny kisses against her neck and hear her breath hitch as his fingers dug into the small of her back, pulling her even further onto his lap. He wanted to stick to her like glue. He wanted more than he knew he should.

"I want... fuck," he sighed, leaning his head against the wall, casting his clouded eyes towards her and then back across her bedroom.

Once he spoke his truth, it would be out there. What if he changed his mind? He knew his words had the potential to hurt her, and he wanted to protect her from the kamikaze he knew he could be. 

"Speak to me, Kook," she encouraged, knowing full well what he wanted to say. It didn't take a genius to work it out, not when his thumb was rubbing against her arm like that or when she could feel the semi in his trousers that he had somehow managed to get from even the most innocent of touches.

He paid it no notice, thankful that he could still actually get it up following a week fearing premature dysfunction. He'd googled it, like, three times. Even Jimin had to tell him it was normal, despite it being something he'd never suffered from before.

Jimin had also started calling him Limp Dick Jeon to wind him up, though, which really hadn't been helping. Not in the slightest.

She wouldn't tell him, but Neva knew all of this. Perks of Cassie hooking up with Jimin again meant that she was hadn't gone without updates during her week away. She knew that he'd been a fucking angel, and that had only confused her even more.

He hadn't wanted her and yet he hadn't wanted anyone else either. It didn't make sense. It wasn't like him at all to not over indulge.

Of the seven deadly sins, Jungkook was the embodiment of gluttony: more, more, more. He always wanted more.

Neva's temperance had always balanced him out and rationalised his cravings. Why would he ever need more when he had the world in his palms already?

There was a hunger in his eyes as he focused back down to her, pushing a few strands of her now dry hair away from her eyes. Pretty, he thought. Prettiest girl in the world.

Glutton consumed him. More, her, now. He needed it.

"Eva- shit." His eyes were helplessly forlorn. "I- I want you."

Behave, he scolded himself. You're being unfair.

"Eva, I want you," he repeated, ignoring the fact that he knew he was wrong to be pushing his desires onto her after stealing them all back from her. He paused once more before continuing. "But I know that I can't have you, not again, not like I used to. I know that I don't get that luxury anymore, but I can feel -fuck, I shouldn't say this, I know, but I can physically feel- myself falling in love with you. I'm trying to stop, I really I am, but it's impossible when I'm waking up in your bed and hanging out with you like we used to. I want you in my life, Eva, more than I want to risk losing you. If I don't nip these feelings in the bud, then they're gonna bloom."

It was too much for her to process all at once.

"Why can't you let them bloom?" she whispered.

"Because roses last for a summer and then they wilt, Eva. No matter how gorgeous the bloom may be, it's fleeting and it doesn't last," he said, unsure at which point in his life he had become such an expert at gardening. "I'd rather be an evergreen. They may not be as beautiful as flowers, but they withstand the winters. Does that make sense?"

No.

When she didn't reply, he tried again.

"I want to withstand the winters with you."

Her dejected shoulders and small pout didn't go unnoticed by him, but he knew it was the sensible thing to do.

She smiled, a thin line barely reaching the cheeks that he loved to dapple in kisses, and he knew he'd fucked it. Again.

"It's spring," she shrugged.

He smiled, her dry sense of humour not lost on him.

"And it's it's miracle we made it this far," he reminded her. "Friends?"

"Friends who sometimes kiss?" She chanced, eyes darting to his lips and then back up again. They looked so soft. Well moisturised, but plump from the way he'd been nibbling down on them.

"Eva," he laughed, as if it was the most absurd suggestion in the world, before softening his eyes on to hers. He tried to not look at her lips, but they were so pouty, and perfect, and - "Fuck it, fine," he said frantically. "Friends who sometimes kiss."

"Now?"

"Now."

↬↬↬↬↬

a/n: did I construct an entire fuck off argument for the purpose of including a metaphor that's gonna be relevant later on in the story??? Yes, yes I did. IM SORRY.

also I hate the way forty looks, in my head, fourty looks so much nicer :( wrote and edited this on my phone so I apologise for typos!!

Anti-romantic and 0X1=LOVESONG feel perfect for Kook and neva, thank u txt

Edit: pls ur so mean to jk ㅠㅠ boys struggling with his emotions, handled them badly, has realised, and is now trying to rectify his mistake ㅠㅠ  and as for neva, she just wants things back to how they were ㅠㅠ LIKE HAVE YOU NOT EVER FOUGHT WITH YOUR S/O. plsss. Be kind to them hahaha, they're trying (and I'm sad that he keeps getting misinterpreted as toxic (he's not some calculated sociopath, he's just a boy! Who is dumb!))