CHAPTER 50

Katie walks towards me and sinks to the ground once she notices me. ‘Kiera,’ she softly says, clearly wanting to know what’s wrong. I stand up and she picks up my smashed phone before giving it to me. I walk away but she grabs my hand. ‘Where are you going? You can’t leave.’

‘Leave me alone,’ I mumble, lacking energy.

 ‘What happened?’ I sigh as I try to walk away but her firm grip prevents me from doing so. ‘Fine, just wait, let me text Lucy.’ I roll my eyes because I want to be alone right now. I open my mouth to speak but no words come out.

After a few minutes, Lucy appears and gives Katie a curious look. ‘What happened?’ She asks Katie quietly but I still manage to hear her.

 ‘I have no idea, I came out here to check up on here and I found her on the floor,’ Katie explains. I take a deep breath but remain silent. ‘She wants to go,’ Katie says after a moment.

 ‘What? Why the hell would you want to go?’ She asks turning towards me.

 ‘Lucy, calm down, I’ll call you in a bit okay?’

‘Wait, you’re going with her?’ She asks in a horrific voice.

 ‘I’m not being funny or anything but she clearly can’t be alone right now,’ Katie replies in an obvious tone. Lucy considers it for a while before nodding.

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We walk until we get to the park. I sit down on the bench as I watch the young children playing. Katie sits beside me and jokingly asks ‘Kiera have you came here just to watch little kids play?’ I ignore her comment, not even acknowledging it in any way. She sits up and begins staring at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable under her gaze. I try my best to ignore it as I change my position so I’m facing the lake.

I stop running when I see water flowing like it is normal. My dad chases me but he stands still when he realises what stopped me. He puts his hand on my shoulder ‘what is it munchkin?' He asks, looking at me.

‘Its water,’ I reply and he smiles and puts his hand in my hair, rubbing it.

‘I know its water but what is it called?’

‘I don’t know,’ I whisper looking at the water which has light shining over it.

 ‘It’s called a lake.’

‘A lake?’ I repeat, liking how it sounds. He nods and smiles at me. ‘I like the lake daddy’.

‘I know you do and I like it too squirm.’ He picks me up in his arms, making me feel like a small baby. He sits me down on top of his shoulders and I hold my dad’s hands.

‘Wow, I can see everything from here.’

‘I know you can.’

‘It’s like I’m a princess in a castle that is so high daddy.’ He laughs and shakes his head.

‘You will always be my princess, so don’t you ever forget it.’ I giggle and keep looking at the lake. I hear a noise coming from the lake and I kick my dad, getting his attention.

 ‘Daddy, did you hear it?’

‘Yes, I did. It’s a duck.’

‘A duck?’

‘Yes.’ I look over his shoulder trying to see the duck.

 ‘Daddy, look there’s the duck.’

‘You’re a smart little girl aren’t you?’

‘Only because of you daddy,’ I smile patting his head.

‘Well, you are the smartest four year old ever,’ he says as he puts me down and plays with my hair.

 ‘Daddy, I want to feed it!’

‘Come on then.’ He stretches his hand out for me and I put my tiny hand in his large ones.

I bring up my knees closer to my body, wrapping my arms around them protectively. It’s ironic how my dad was always the one to tell me how smart I was yet he was the one who destroyed my confidence.

Tears begin rolling down my cheek. Tears that I can’t prevent. Katie seems to notice because she wraps her arms around my fragile body. ‘Do you want something to eat?’ She asks softly and I shake my head. ‘You need to eat, you didn’t have breakfast this morning,’ she replies running her hand up and down my back. I try to refuse vocally but no words come out so I shake my head. She pulls me away so she can look into my eyes. ‘Kiera, you’re going to kill yourself.’

‘What does it matter?’ I ask shocking myself. She scoffs loudly as she narrows her eyes at me.

 ‘What the hell do you mean by that? Of course it matters.’

‘At least that way, I’d be reunited with my parents,’ I mumble and she gasps.

 ‘Kiera, you have your dad, he might be in prison-‘

‘You’re wrong Katie,’ I quickly snap, not wanting to hear it.

 ‘How am I wrong?’ My breath hitches in my throat and I blink the tears away. She must have realised what I was trying to say. ‘Kiera,’ she sighs as she pulls me into a hug. ‘I’m-‘

‘Don’t Katie, I don’t want to hear about how sorry you are. Your apologies aren’t going to make him come back.’ I sigh and her arms tighten around my neck. She pulls away and begins stroking my hair.

 ‘You found out when your phone rang didn’t you?’ I nod my head, not wanting to speak. ‘Kiera, you’re going to get through this.’

‘And how the hell do you know that?’

‘Because you’re the strongest person I know,’ she admits confidently as she grabs my hand, stroking it with her thumb.

 ‘I’m going to have to deal with this all again.’

‘I know you do but you have all of us supporting you just like before,’ Katie replies squeezing my head. More tears fall from my eyes.

 ‘My life sucks, why is this happening to me?’

‘Kiera, calm down, you stressing out isn’t going to help anyone.’ She wipes my tears away as she wraps her arms around my neck. Her phone begins ringing and she ignores it as she whispers comforting words in my ear. I sit up and her phone begins ringing a second time.

 ‘Katie, you should answer it because it might be something important.’

‘Nothing is more important.’ I smile weakly and say ‘Katie seriously.’

‘I’m not going-‘

‘Katie,’ I insist and she sighs before looking at her home screen.

 ‘It’s Lily,’ she tells me and I nod for her to answer it. She answers it and I zone out of their conversation, busy paying attention to my surroundings. ‘She wanted to know where we were, the induction day already ended.’

‘What? Seriously?’ I ask shocked and she nods her head.

‘I told us to meet us here, is that okay?’ I nod my head and she intertwines our fingers. ‘I know you waited a while to tell the others that your mum died last year and it’s totally fine if you want to do the same now but I think you should tell them.’

‘And who do you mean by “them” exactly?’ I ask defensively.

 ‘Just Lily and Lucy and others if you want to tell them. I think Lucy will be coming with Lily though so if you want you can tell them then.’ Katie spots them and I don’t get a chance to reply. ‘There they are,’ she says pointing their index finger at them. I rest my head on Katie’s shoulder and as a result, she wraps her arms around me tightly.

They sit opposite us and they remain silent. ‘How was it?’ Katie asks trying to ease the tension.

 ‘It was okay I guess,’ Lily responds.

 ‘What did you even do?’ Katie asks and I breathe a sigh of relief thankful at Katie.

 ‘Well we went to the classes we wanted to and basically experienced the life of a university student. You guys shouldn’t have walked out.’

‘Something important came up Lily,’ Katie replies quietly as her grip tightens. I hold my breath, waiting anxiously for Lily’s reply.

 ‘Nothing can be more important, this was an open day and you guys missed it.’

‘Shut up Lily, it isn’t a big deal. One day you’ll realise that some things are just way more important,’ Katie snaps, causing Lily to scoff and shake her head.

 ‘Whatever Katie, don’t try and excuse the fact that you missed this.’ Lily stands up and says ‘Kiera come on.’

‘I’m going to go to Liz’s house instead,’ I reply, my voice croaking.

 ‘Are you sure?’ Katie asks quietly and I nod.

 ‘Why are you going to Liz’s house?’ Lily dramatically asks.

 ‘Shut up Lily,’ Lucy says, finally speaking and turns to me asking ‘what’s wrong?’

‘Nothing is wrong,’ I lie and she scoffs.

 ‘It’s obvious something is wrong, if you don’t want to tell us then that’s fine, just don’t lie and say nothing’s wrong.’ I wipe my tears away and lean my elbows on the table and whisper ‘My dad died today.’

‘What?’ Lily gasps as she sits next to me.

 ‘My dad is dead Lily. Is that a good enough excuse to have missed the open day?’ I sarcastically ask.

 ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know.’

‘Whatever Lily,’ I reply, rolling my eyes.

 ‘I’m really, really, really sorry Kiera.’ She opens her arms widely and I accept her hug. We pull away and I take a deep breath. Lucy reaches out for my hand and I slip mine into hers, holding it tightly. ‘It’s going to be fi-‘

‘Shut up Lily, don’t tell me that everything is going to be fine when it’s damn obvious that it won’t be,’ I snap and she sighs. She opens her mouth to speak but I cut her off by saying ‘and don’t apologise.’ She closes her mouth and I sigh loudly. ‘I think I’ll just go, I want to be alone anyway.’ I stand up, walking away.