CHAPTER 10

I wake up to find myself drenched in my sweat. I groan but get up and tip toe to the bathroom, making sure to not wake anyone up as Lucy and Katie are sleeping over.

I walk into the shower room and instantly pour cold water all over my face. I gasp as it comes in contact with my face but I ignore it. I quickly undress, abandoning my pyjamas and step into the shower. I adjust the temperature, making it warm but cold at the same time. I scrub all the dirt away from my body and when that is done, I just stand there in the shower, lost in my thoughts. 

The water keeps running on top of my head it but I barely notice as I'm too wrapped up in my thoughts.

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 39. I taste my salty tears as my body falls to the floor. I wrap my arm around my knees, allowing the water to wash everything away and cleanse my body. I hope it drowns my thoughts because I really don't want to get lost in them. 

I hear a knock on the bathroom door and instantly I rise from my current position. I switch the shower off and wrap the towel around my body. I pick my dirty clothes from the floor, unlocking the door and come face to face with Katie who is wide awake. 'What are you doing?'

'Nothing.' I try to walk way but her firm grip on my arm stops me.

'Kiera.'

'Seriously Katie, it's nothing,' she gives me a disbelieving gaze and follows me into my room. I check the time which reads 00:35.

'Katie, I'm trying to get dressed.' I reply looking in the wardrobe.

'You can get dressed after you tell me why you were crying.'

'Katie-'

'No, Kiera, why did you take a shower at this time and why were you crying?' I sigh, not turning around to face her.

'Don't you need the toilet or something?' I ask, trying to change the current topic of the conversation.

'That can wait,' she replies sitting on my bed.

'Can I at least get dressed?'

'Kiera,' she warns.

'I promise I'll be quick Katie, just let me get dressed.' She sighs before nodding her head. I quickly grab another pair of pyjamas and go to the bathroom to get dressed.

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When I return I find Katie playing with her hair. I clear my throat, making my presence heard. 'That was quick'.

'Well I did promise to be quick,' I respond and sit beside her. 'It's nothing big; I was just sweating so I decided to take a shower.'

'So why exactly were you crying?' She questions folding her arms.

'Today is my mother's birthday,' her face softens as she wraps me into a hug. 'Katie it's fine.' I state as we pull apart.

'Are you okay?' She asks. I shrug my shoulders, 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. On a brighter note, how is it living with your grandmother?' Instantly, more tears fall from my eyes and she apologises before hugging me again.

'She's dead,' I whisper.

'What?'

'She died the same way my mother did.'

'Kiera,-'

'I know you’re going to say "I'm sorry" but don't, I don't want your sympathy Katie.' Her lips pull up into a smile but instead of returning it, even more tears fall repeatedly.

'I know there's something else upsetting you Kiera, so what is it?'

'The doctors think it is genetic and it turns out that I have the faulty gene too.' Her eyes widen and I can tell she didn't expect me to say this. She puts her arm around my shoulders and my head falls onto her neck.

'Who else knows?'

'Just Lucy, Lily knows about my grandma dying but that's it.’ Her grip tightens and she strokes my wet hear.

'You're going to be fine Kiera.'

'You don't know that,' I mutter.

'No but I know you and you're the strongest person I know, well along with Lucy,' she mumbles the last part and I giggle because Lucy is pretty strong. 'Anyway you will get through this and you have all of us to help you.'

'Thanks.'

'You don't have to thank me,' she smiles and I return it. 'Come on, we should go to sleep. She takes the light off and I ask 'Katie are you sleeping here?'

'Yes and I don't care what you say to that,' she replies causing me to grin. I lay down beside her and she wraps her arms around my body. I rest my head on her neck, allowing sleep to take over me. 

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'Wakey wakey you lazy people,' Lucy says loudly as she opens the curtains and windows. I groan in annoyance and turn my face into the pillow, where it is dark. 'Do you guys know what time it is? Seriously get up!'

'Shut up Lucy.' Katie snaps. 

'And where did you sneak off to last night?' I hear Katie sigh loudly as she sits up.

'Katie are you getting up?' I ask even though it comes out as a muffled sound because I talk into the pillow.

'Yeah, in a bit, are you?'

'Maybe,' I reply.

'It is noon you know.' Lucy states and I rise up from my position.

'Seriously?' I ask looking at her.

'Yes, I'm serious,' she replies as she folds her arms. 'Why is your hair damp? Did you take a shower or something?' Lucy questions and I can't help but make eye contact with Katie. 'What happened last night or early this morning?'

'Nothing.' Katie replies and Lucy looks unconvinced.

'Nothing happened, except me taking a shower.'

'Oh, so your eyes are red from the shower and not from crying yourself to sleep is it?' She sarcastically asks.

'Shut up Luce,' replies Katie and I roll my eyes.

'It's my mum's birthday today or was.' Lucy's facial expression falls and she bites her lower lip. She sits opposite us and pulls me into an embrace.

'So what are you going to do?' Lucy asks after a moment of silence

'I was thinking of going to her grave.'

'Do you want to go alone?' Lucy asks as puts her hands on my knees.

'No, not really, can you guys come with me?' I ask looking at them both. Katie takes my hand and replies 'Kiera of course we'll go with you won't we Lucy?'

'Do you even have to ask?' She retorts and I smile gratefully at them both.

'Thanks.' I say sincerely.

'What are friends for?' Lucy replies.

'Only we're not just friends, you guys are my best friends.' I state and they smile.

'Tell us something we don't know,' replies Lucy, lightening the mood.

'I think what you mean is Kiera is our best friend too Lucy,' Katie says looking at her, causing me to smile. Lucy rolls her eyes playfully before saying 'You are our best friend Kiera so don't you forget it,' as she puts her index finger on my nose. I smile and push her finger off.

'Where's Lily?' I ask curiously.

'She went to meet Kara,' she answers my question and I can't help but roll my eyes.

'So why haven't you gone?'

'Because I wanted to hang out with both of you or do you want me to go?' She pretends to act mad but Katie playfully slaps her shoulder, causing Lucy to glare at her.

'We need to get ready.' I say looking at Katie because Lucy is already dressed in blue shorts and a blue shirt. I walk to the wardrobe and get black shorts, along with a pink button up blouse and a denim vest. 'Katie, you help yourself to my wardrobe or Lily's,' I say as I walk off to the bathroom.

Once I finish cleaning myself up, I get dressed and tie my hair into a messy bun. When I return, Katie is wearing a white mini skirt and a white shirt. Her hair is tied into a high ponytail, just like Lucy's. 'Finally!' Lucy dramatically sighs and I roll my eyes.

'Come on,' I reply and we walk downstairs. 

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After I have purchased some flowers from my mum's favourite shop, I walk towards the familiar grave stone of my mother with Lucy and Katie by my side. 

Ten minutes later, I stand in front of my mum's grave stone and my body feels paralysed. I stand still, without moving a muscle. 'Are you okay?' Katie asks noticing my stillness.

'Why wouldn't I be?'

'Maybe because you're not moving and you're standing in front of your mother's grave stone-'

'Shut up Lucy!' Katie snaps, rubbing my arm comfortingly. Lucy doesn't reply as she stands beside me. 

I look at the gravestone and small curly writing receives my attention. It is set out in a poem form and I don’t have to read it to know what it is. I have memorised each word.

A rose like you should never wilt, 

And now I am shot through with guilt, 

For all these things I hold regret, 

Although I don't expect you to forget, 

I hope to earn forgiveness yet.

I kneel in front of my mother's graves tone which is worn down by weather.

Gently, worried I might break it; I reach out one finger and stroke the weathered, rough stone.

In front of me was a bunch of flowers, all different colours. I put the flowers over the ones that were already present. I choke down a sob. I can’t help but feel disgusted for not visiting sooner. 

One single tear trickles down my face and I brush it away automatically. My eyes are welling up and I squint to see and suddenly everything is gushing out. I am sobbing, gulping for breath, hiccupping slightly, covering my face in my hands. Lucy wraps her arm around my shoulder and Katie rubs the palm of her hand up and down my back. 'It's going to be okay.' Lucy says softly.

'It's not, it never will be okay. This was a bad idea.'

'No, it will Kiera,' Katie replies.

'I don't even know what to say to her.' I whisper shamefully.

'You don't have to say anything, your presence is enough,' Lucy replies as she strokes my hair. I hide my face in Lucy's neck, wishing that all the pain I'm currently feeling would just simply go away.

This is exactly like the time Kimberly and I visited our grandmother’s grave, only this time, I'm the weak one.