CHAPTER 44

10/07/92

 A year has passed since I last saw my baby boy who vanished without a trace. There isn't a moment in my day that goes by where I don't think about him. 

Pictures of him are all over the house in decorated frames. I put a big picture of him in our room opposite us so he is the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night. 

I honestly don't know how it became a year already. Time flies when you're having fun but I'm not really having fun. I haven't been having fun for an entire year.

D.C Collins is doing everything he can to help us with our case but it simply isn't enough. I don't want to lose hope but sometimes I find myself questioning whether I will be reunited with Kaiden or not.

I hear someone clear their throat and I look up, closing the diary for a moment. I notice the Cream Land worker wants to take down my order. 'Can I have a caramel latte?' I ask politely.

'Of course,' she says as she leaves my table. I open the diary as I resume reading the next diary entry.

04/04/95

I hate writing in this diary which is why I rarely do it. It makes me consider my feelings and views on everything which is sometimes what I want to escape. 

Today is definitely not a good day. It is Kaiden's birthday and he is still missing. A child should spend their birthday with their mother. Especially when the child is four years old. Kaiden is four years already and I have no idea on his appearance. D.C Collins has given me a photograph of what he may look like if he is still alive. But he most likely is seen as his body isn't found. I hope he is. He has to be.

I woke up at 03:00 and I realised today's date. Immediately, I walked to Kaiden's room which has been left untouched. I just stood there in the middle of the room, pretending that Kaiden was still in my life. Pretending that everything that happened didn't actually happen in reality. To say that I feel awful this time of year would be an understatement. I'll never get through this never ending torture until I know where Kaiden is.

I turn over the page and I'm met with a blank page. I turn over a few more pages and notice that it’s a few months before I was born. It's clear to me that my mother obviously hated writing in the diaries as it is seems like a one off sort of thing.

18/12/96

Seven days before Christmas and still no Kaiden. He is five now, turning six in a few months. Sometimes I feel pathetic into thinking that he will return but a mother never loses hope.

I found out that I'm pregnant a few months ago which I never would have expected to happen because the only thing that has always been on my mind is Kaiden and will probably still be. 

Today, I found out that I'm carrying a baby girl. That unfortunate disappointed feeling shot through me as soon as I was informed by the doctor. I've always imagined myself to have a lot of boys, girls-not so much. 

Dave and I have settled on calling the baby girl Kiera. Every time that name rolls off my tongue memories of Kaiden come flushing back but with the help of Dave, I will get through this. I have to be a mother to this little infant that needs me.

Dave is over the moon with this news and wants to convert Kaiden's room into a nursery for Kiera, even though there are two spare room that can be turned into a spare room. He doesn't want any traces of Kaiden when Kiera arrives. I don't agree with that, why should he have to hide him and pretend like he doesn't exist? It isn't even fair.

'Here is your caramel latte,' the worker that has a name tag called Ella says and I smile gratefully at her as I give her a five pound note and tell her to keep the change. She smile at me before serving other customers. I look down, turning my attention to the next diary entry to after I was born.

25/09/97

Kiera Hayden has been introduced to the world nearly a month ago and I haven't had the opportunity to write in my diary, not that I'm surprised. 

She and Dave are in the kitchen bonding as I remember memories of Kaiden when he was that age. She has blue piercing eyes that look exactly like Kaiden's. Just looking at Kiera causes me pain and grief because it brings up all these unwanted emotions. 

I want to love Kiera, I really do but to be honest, I don't think I can. She is the resemblance of Kaiden and all of her actions successfully seem to remind me of him. 

Kaiden was an angel. He never caused me any pain during birth or even caused me any hassle. Whereas Kiera got me stuck in labour for nearly a week. All that agony for what? For more pain. What's worse is that Kiera cries at the tiniest things, always wanting attention and what makes me more annoyed is the fact that Dave is so keen to give it to her. He was never like this was Kaiden, always making him wait when he cried, not bonding with him, so what has changed? I'm pretty sure it’s the simple fact that Kiera is a girl and that Kaiden was a boy.

Dave's interest in Kiera makes me angrier at this baby. I'm her mother- I shouldn't be referring to her as 'this baby' but I need to represent my anger and emotions somehow and this is the only way that I can successfully do so. As Dave gives Kiera more care and love, I begin to despise her bit by bit because, she is the reason that Dave is forgetting about what we had before. We had Kaiden and we were happy. The happiest we have been in a long time.

Sometimes, I lie awake at night and stare up at the ceiling questioning life. Sometimes, I even find myself thinking that Kiera should've switched places with Kaiden. At least then the hurt I'm feeling would be slightly reduced. 

I'm sure I will begin to love Kiera as she'll grow on me but I don't think that it will happen in this moment of time. 

I gasp, closing the book shut. 'Are you okay?' Asks Ella as she cleans up the cafe.

'Why wouldn't I be?' I ask even though it comes out as a croak.

'Well how about the fact that you haven't drank your drink yet or the fact that you are crying?' My hands slowly reach my face and my salty tears come in contact with my fingers.

'I have to go,' I reply as I sprint out of the cafe with the diary clutched tightly in my hands. 

----------

I park my car opposite the prison that my dad is being kept in as I step outside. I take a deep breath, wiping my tears and grabbing my passport before walking inside.

The usual police officer I see greets me with a smile and I return it as she lets me in. I see my dad sitting at a table with his hands in his hair. I don't say anything as I sit opposite him. 'Kiera, I didn't think you'd come.'

'Well obviously you thought wrong,' I snap and he raises his eyebrows at my attitude.

'What's wrong?' He asks as he sits up in his chair.

'Nothing.'

'Don’t lie to me, I can tell something is wrong. I can tell just by looking in your eyes. They're just like-' he stops himself as he puts his hand on his neck.

'What? My eyes are just like Kaiden's? Is that what you were going to say?'

'Kiera-'

'Don't bother lying to me, I know he has blue eyes. And you wonder why I lie? Well I'll tell you dad, it's because I have learned from the best. My whole childhood has been built up with lies, it’s not a shock that I can lie instantly without even feeling guilty.'  He leans back in his chair as a soft sigh escapees his lips.

'Kiera, I'm sorry.'

'Whatever, I've heard all of that before,' I mutter under my breath.

'What has gotten you so upset? Come on tell me.'

'I read mum's diary that I found in the box you told me to get and it contains some things in it.'

'What sort of things?' He asks with a serious facial expression.

'She was writing about how Kaiden was an angel and how she whished that I went missing instead of him and that she didn't even love me-'

'Hey, she was your mother, of course she loved you,' he says cutting me off.

'According to her diary she didn't.  She began to despise me the more you started bonding with me. She felt that you were forgetting about Kaiden,' I reply quietly looking down, feeling like I'm to blame in their relationship going downhill.

'Hey, look at me,' he says as he grabs my hand.

'No physical contact.'

'Are you kidding me?' I ask the police guard who glaring at our joint hands. He drops my hand and apologises.

'That's the rules,' the police guard replies.

'Well your rules suck,' I mutter loud enough for them to hear me.

'Kiera,' my dad says as he quickly apologises to the police guard and watches him walk away. 'You shouldn't have said that Kiera.'

'Whatever.'

'I understand you're upset and I'm sorry you had to find this out but your mother really did love you in the end.'

'In the end,' I repeat as I scoff. 'Did you know about this?' I ask and he shakes his head.

'No, I had no idea.'

'Are you sure? Or are you lying?' 

'Kiera, I had no idea, I told you that day that I don't know what you will find.'

'I know but with your track ion record,' my voice dies down as I don't want to finish my sentence.

'I get it Kiera, I really do,' he replies as he hangs his head down.

'What do you know about Phillip?' I ask curiously and he looks up to look at me.

'Our old neighbour?'

'Yeah, him.'

'He is married to a woman called Sandy but he left to go to Australia when you were very young.'

'I saw him a few days ago-'

'What? When did he get back?' He asks and I shrug my shoulders. 'Wait, are you sure you're talking about the correct Phillip?'

'Yes, I am, I do remember his appearance you know even though I was only three and Elaine gave me his address.' He nods, taking the information in.

'Okay, just checking.'

'In mum's diary, it said that Phillip knew what was happening because of the way he reacted when she came out of the house crying when Kaiden went missing.'

'What?' He shrieks and I repeat it.

'I went to his house and I saw Kaiden there who was calling him dad.' His facial expression falls and he sighs loudly.

'How do you know it was Kaiden?' He questions curiously.

'I spoke to D.C Collins.'

'What? Why did you do that?'

'Why did you and mum tell him to stop the case? It was in 2004 and that's when things just turned upside down because that is also when the abuse started.' He sighs as he palms his forehead and sits in silence. 'Well?' I ask impatiently as we sit in silence. He doesn't say anything and a few minutes later, the bell rings. 'No, tell me.'

'I have to go,' he replies as the guard walks to our table.

'No!' I shout hoping that will make him listen but it doesn't as he stands up to leave without a care in the world. 'Dad,' I plead and he turns around to face me as he smiles sincerely at what I just called him.

'We'll talk about this next time,' he promises as he walks away.

I get the journal out of my pocket and stare at it, hoping it contains the answers I need.