CHAPTER 26

I can feel the air being sucked out from my body, the atmosphere becoming tighter and tighter. I struggle out from under the blanket covers, racing to the window. I pound against the window. With one swift movement, I open the window with all the strength left in my body. I immediately take in a huge breath of cold air. Today was the day.

I take a deep breath as I get up to take a shower. I adjust the temperature of the water, letting it run all over my body, If only if could drown my thoughts. I hear a knock on the bathroom door followed by Anna's voice. 'Are you okay Kiera?' My tears mix with the water as I try to hold my breath, not giving away the fact that I am crying. 

I stop the water and wrap my towel around my wet body. I open the door coming face to face with Anna and say 'I'm fine.'

'You're not so there is no need to pretend,' she replies softly as she wraps her arms around me.

 'Thanks,' I mutter as we pull apart.

 'You are welcome, would you like me to send Lily up? She's just on the sofa doing absolutely nothing.'

'Please do,' I reply quietly. She gives my shoulders a tight squeeze as she walks downstairs. I walk back into my room, instantly getting dressed in black jeans and a black hoodie.

 'Hey,' Lily says as she walks into my room, sitting on the bed. 'Are you okay?'

'I had a nightmare.'

'About?'

'I thought I was going to die. It started of going into the surgery.

I lay still in the hospital bed, not being able to move. 

I hear multiple sounds around me but fail to respond. My eyes stay closed and my body stays still. Still as a statue. I hear a variety of voices. Voices that I’ve never heard before. 

I try to sit up but I can't move a muscle. I open my mouth, wanting to call out for help but no sound comes out. 

All of a sudden, all the air becomes trapped in my lungs and I can't breathe. 

'Kiera, it’s going to be fine, the surgery will not be like that.'

'You don't know that Lily,' she grabs my hand and pulls me on to the bed opposite her.

'Kiera, you can't think like that, think positive,' I scoff and she continues, 'I know it’s hard seen as you have always been a pessimist but just try. Just for today?'

'Fine,' I reply quietly and she smiles before hugging me and leaving the room.

----------

I go downstairs, searching for Lily. I find her in the kitchen with Liz, Rosabella and James. I look at them suspiciously before filling up my water bottle. 'Kiera!' Liz calls and I turn around to face her.

 'What?'

'You need to eat,' she replies. I roll my eyes but manage to keep my anger locked away and hidden.

 'I know, I was just going to make myself some food,' I reply. She looks at Lily and they both share a look. I ignore it and put two breads in the toaster, trying to make it believable.

'Are you okay?' James asks, his voice full of concern.

 'What the hell are you even doing here James? I don't want you here.'

'I came to support you.'

'It’s a little late to be supporting me, don't you think?' He sighs and his face falls.

 'Kiera, I'm sorry-'

'No, don't apologise, I know you're only doing it because Max told you and Chris,' I sigh annoyed. His silence just shows how right I am.

 'I'm sorry for everything.'

'Whatever James,' I reply, trying to close the topic.

 'I'm sorry for choosing Kara over you, I shouldn't have.'

'You two are dating, it’s expectable.'

'So? You're one of my best friends, seriously I'm sorry,' I roll my eyes.

 'Okay whatever James,' I smile to show that I'm joking and he returns it. The toast pops up from the toaster catching my attention. I turn around and spread butter all over it. Lily excuses herself and walks out of the kitchen to talk to her mother. 

James' phone starts ringing and he leaves the kitchen to answer the call. Liz rushes to the bathroom leaving Rosabella and I in the kitchen. 'Kiera, I'm sorry for what I said about your health the other day. I was out of order and I hope you can forgive me.'

'You shouldn’t have said it.'

'I know and I'm really sorry.' I bite my lip and try to avoid her, pretending that I'm alone in the kitchen. I make myself a glass of orange juice and put it beside my plate of toast. I stare at the food in front of me deeply. 

You're fat Kiera.

I cringe at my thoughts, trying to control my breathing. 'Are you not going to eat it?' Rosabella voice causes me to jump a little as it is unexpected.

 'I did make it didn't I?' I ask sarcastically.

 'So, I can tell just by your face that you don't want to eat it.'

'Shut up.' I reply coldly, annoyed that she knows me so well even though she doesn't actually know me.

 'You know I'm right Kiera. You have an operation in less than an hour, you have to eat.'

'Don't you think I know that?' I turn around to face her, meeting her gaze. She sighs but doesn't look away.

 'Just try and eat it.'

'I can't.'

'Why can't you?' She questions softly.

 'I just can't.'

'You mean you won't.'

'You don't know what I mean,' I scoff and she sighs.

 'Just start of eating one, then try the other one.'

'That's 195 calories,' I say quietly.

'You need 1200 calories so that will not make a difference, it is just 195 Kiera.'

'Its 195 too many.' She puts both of her hands on my arms and says 'You're anorexic.'

'I'm not,' I quickly dismiss the idea of suffering from an eating disorder.

 'You are, I know it and you know it,' she replies confidently. I sigh loudly in defeat and ask ‘So what happens now?'

'What happens is that you need to start eating before this gets serious Kiera. How do you cope with no food?' I bite my tongue so I don't say anything I don't need to. 'You're definitely using something.'

'I'm not using anything,' I insist.

'Do you think I'm stupid or something? What are using?'

'I'm not telling you,' I mumble quietly.

 'Kiera,' she warns and I sigh loudly.

 'Needles,' I whisper.

 'You're using needles?'

'What did I just say?' She squeezes my arms tightly and asks 'Do they help?' I nod my head and she says 'well then you need to use one right now.'

'Are you being serious?' I gasp, shocked that she's saying this.

 'Yes but after your surgery, they are going in the bin, every single one of them.'

'What about this?' I motion towards the food I made and she shrugs her shoulders as if it’s nothing.

 'I’ll take care of it.'

'Thanks,' I reply gratefully and walk towards the door but turn back to face her. 'You won’t tell anyone about this will you?'

'Do you want me to?' I shake my head.

 'Then no, I'm not going to tell a soul,' she replies sincerely and I smile before going in to my room.

----------

We arrive at the car park of the hospital and Anna turns the engine off. I step out of the passenger seat and Rosabella, Lily and Liz also get out of the car. 'It’s going to be fine,' Lily says linking her arm with mine as she notices my discomfort.

'You don't know that Lily.' She ignores me and holds on to me tighter.

Anna walks to the reception desk and gives them my name, as we sit down. Anna joins us shortly, sitting opposite us, reading a newspaper. I distract myself by switching on my phone and I'm surprised when I'm greeted with different messages.

I'm sorry I had to leave without saying goodbye but something came up. Love James.

I roll my eyes, pretending not to care as I scroll past it. 

Good luck with your surgery! You'll be fine and I will definitely be paying a trip to visit you after you get it done: P ¬Chris¬

You better have eaten your breakfast Kiera and I will be checking up on you. Don't worry about your surgery, you're going to be just fine. |Max|

I'm sorry I can't make it but I'll make it up to you. -xoLuce

You're going to get that surgery done and you are going to be fine! Call me when you get out of surgery, not straight away obviously! And Kelsey and Kelly send their love. :) -Kim.

Lily nudges me and I realise that Anna is standing with Doctor Jonathan by her side. I put my phone away and stand up. Lily stands up with me, wrapping her arms around my neck not wanting to let go. We pull away and Liz throws herself at me and I return the embrace. We pull apart but Rosabella grabs my hand as she gives me a hug. I try not to be awkward as I return it. She smiles when we break apart and I join Anna.

We sit opposite Doctor Jonathan. 'Okay Kiera, I'm just going to talk you through what is going to happen today with the surgery.' I nod, waiting patiently for him to continue as I fiddle with my hands. 'We are going to shave a little bit of the hair on the left side of your head because that is where the tumour is located. Then we will cut into the tumour, removing it with our equipment. We will stitch it back together and you will be given anaesthetic so you will not feel a thing. The anaesthetic we will give you will be through a mask and I will warn you it will smell horrible and strong but you must inhale it.'

I nod my head to indicate that I'm listening and he continues. ‘And a few days after that you will be starting chemotherapy in the form of tablets but it will be given to you in blocks.'

'When the surgery is done, I want a hat on my head.' I demand.

 'Kiera,' Anna says softly.

 'No, I want a hat or I won’t get it done.'

'Kiera,' Doctor Jonathan says.

 'I'll be half bald. I'd appreciate it if you respected my wishes.’

 'Very well.'

'Okay, can we start now?' I ask. He opens his mouth but a knock on the door causes him to close it again. Doctor Ash walks in and says 'Hey Kiera, how have you been?'

'How do you think I have been? Oh wait, I'll tell you, my mother is dead, my grandmother is dead and I am currently next so life cannot get any better,' I reply sarcastically.

 'Kiera!' Anna scolds and I roll my eyes.

 'Its fine,' says Doctor Ash. 'You aren't next so stop thinking like that. This surgery will be successful.'

'You don't know that,' I reply looking at him while Doctor Jonathan stays quiet

. 'Kiera-'

'I'm not going to get my hopes up only to have them destroyed again,' I reply cutting Doctor Ash off. 'Now can we please start this surgery?' I ask as I stand up.

 'You will have to go and get dressed into this,' Doctor Jonathan states as he holds up a hospital gown.

 'Where do I put my clothes?'

'I will keep them for you,' replies Anna. I nod, taking the dressing gown and walking out of the room. I walk towards the female toilets and get changed. I fold the clothes I was wearing a few minutes ago and hold them in my hands. I walk out the cubicle and stare at my reflection in the mirror. The blue gown has white dots all over it and looks baggy. It’s something I never thought I'd be wearing myself. The arms are cut so my forearms are exposed. I look down at my feet and I notice I'm still wearing my converse. I cringe at what I'm seeing because they definitely don't go with one another. 

The door opens and an old woman walks in, snapping me out of my thoughts. I look at my reflection one last time before leaving the toilets and making my way back to Doctor Jonathan’s office. They all stop talking once they notice me. Anna stands up taking the clothes from my hands. 'You need to take your shoes off honey,' she says stroking my hair.

 'I know but with all the micro-organisms that are probably on it? No chance.'

'The floors are cleaned regularly,' Doctor Jonathan says with a smirk on his face.

 'So? You can’t kill ever single micro-organism,' he scoffs and says 'Let's go,' with Doctor Ash following him. Anna and I share a look before following both of them.

They take us to a hospital room with a bed and is surrounded by equipment and other nurses and doctors. They introduce themselves claiming that they knew my mum. I nod but don’t have a vocal response. I take my shoes and socks off as I'm instructed to by a young nurse and she hands them to Anna. 

Another nurse who looks slightly older tells me to 'relax,' as she gently pushes me on my back. They put a mask over my face and I'm no longer breathing in the oxygen I'm used to. I'm breathing in something foreign. I try to hold my breath to stop breathing it in.

You must inhale it.

Doctor Jonathan's voice replays in my head and I think twice about my actions. Slowly, I open my mouth a little wider and the unknown gas is inside my lungs. I find it difficult to breathe within each passing second. My surroundings become dark and I close my eyes, allowing an unusual sleep to take over a duration of my life.