[Louis]

I couldn't believe that I finally admitted my feelings to him. For about two years now, I had kept them deep within me, almost been afraid to confess them to myself, and now it was finally out there. However, I knew it probably wasn't such a good idea, but I couldn't hold it in any longer. Besides, he should already know about them after everything that had happened lately.

Why it wasn't a good idea for him to know was the same reason as to why I had acted as if our kiss never happened Saturday night. It was because I knew we would never be able to be together. Not only were we two entirely different people, but our parents were also dating. If they were to find out that their sons had a relationship, they would probably make sure that we never saw each other again, or even worse, send us away to separate mental hospitals or something. It sucked, even if I was still grateful that I got to see him every day from morning to night.

I was aware that what I did to find out whether he liked me or not was a bit cruel, though. Kissing him probably wasn't the best decision I could make, but I had been waiting to do that for so long, and I didn't regret it. The thing was that it was basically for nothing. Nothing could ever happen between us, and that was something I had realized during our ride back home Saturday night.

Harry stared at me with his mouth wide open. "You... You actually like me?" He stuttered, and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Well, if it isn't already obvious, then yes, I do. Ever since we were friends two years ago."

"B-but, you hated me... and Eleanor! What about her? Why are you dating her if you like me?" He shook his head in frustration, probably because he couldn't put the pieces together, and looked at me in confusion.

I let out a sigh, closing my eyes for a second before opening them again. "As I said before, it's not that easy. I... I've never wanted to admit my feelings, not even to myself. When I realized I liked you, I tried to ignore it, thinking that it must be some kind of phase or something. However, when you got together with Miranda and stopped paying attention to me, I realized that it wasn't. I hated myself for it, but I was also so mad at you for not realizing how much I enjoyed and needed your company. That was the reason I started picking on you," I muttered, looking down at my hands.

This was the most vulnerable situation I had ever been in, and I didn't like it at all, but I knew that it needed to be said. Harry and I couldn't keep living in this bubble where things only happened without the other one knowing why it did. We needed to come clean, and if showing my vulnerable side was what had to be done for us to do so, then so be it.

He took a deep breath, a frown forming between his eyebrows. "Well, it still doesn't explain the fact that you're dating Eleanor now and have been doing so basically since we fell apart."

"It doesn't even matter," I mumbled because even if I knew it was important to have this conversation with him, it was still hard for me to go through with it.

"Yes, it does! How else will I know if you're telling the truth about liking me? As far as I know, you could be talking bullshit right now, and then when we're out of here, you'll run straight off to her!" He let out, looking at me in desperation.

"Harry, you don't understand," I sighed. "Haven't you realized that you and I can't be anything closer than stepbrothers? Even if I told you about Eleanor, it wouldn't change a thing. I'm still going to date her. You're my first choice every day, but imagine what our parents would say if they caught us? They would flip shit and probably kick us out of the house. I'm sorry, but I can't risk that."

He looked rather hurt by my words, and I would too if it was the other way around, but my dad was the only one I had left of my family, and I couldn't risk losing him like I had lost everyone else. "So you're just going to ignore your feelings and be unhappy? Is that what you're telling me?" He mumbled, his eyes not meeting mine.

I let out a deep sigh. "It's not like I'm unhappy. I'm just not as happy as I would be if I were dating you," I explained slowly so he would understand what I meant by it.

It looked like he was trying to comprehend it but that he found it hard to do so. His eyebrows were knitted together as he stared at the floor behind me. "I just don't understand why you have been trying to show me your true feelings when it's not going to lead anywhere. Because, that's what you have, right?"

I nodded curtly.

"Was your plan to make me fall for you so both of us would suffer from this situation? I don't get it, do you still want me hurt after all this time?" He asked me weakly, now daring to lift his gaze so our eyes could meet. His usually beautiful, green irises were now sad and filled with hurt, and I had to gulp at the sight, not to mention at the words he just spoke.

"I-I... You fell for me?"

Sure, I was aware that he reciprocated my kiss and that he was basically speaking the words 'I fancy you', but hearing him say it out loud was a whole different thing. It was as if the fact finally dawned on me, and I realized that I wasn't in this alone anymore. Harry and I were in this situation together, as he just said.

He rolled his eyes, taking a step forward so our chests were almost touching. "Well, duh. Why else do you think I kissed Niall right in front of your eyes? Additionally, if I didn't like you, why would I kiss you back?" He raised a questioning eyebrow, coming closer and closer to my face by the second.

Swallowing thickly, I looked down at his appealing lips that were just screaming to be kissed right now, but I had to control myself. This couldn't lead to anything, and I had to accept that. "I can't believe you used Niall to make me jealous," I said, looking at the wall beside his head to distract myself from his beautiful appearance.

From the corner of my eye, I could see him biting his bottom lip. "I'm not very proud of it, to be honest. It was just kind of an 'in the heat of the moment' type of thing, which was really stupid, I know, but I sadly can't take it back now," he sighed.

I just nodded my head, still not looking at him. "I never talked to him, you know? I found out what happened between you two this morning by myself. I was right around the corner," I confessed emotionlessly, trying my best not to be affected by his proximity.

His eyes widened as his mouth fell open. "You bastard! Are you kidding me? You were actually there?"

I bit my lip. "Yeah, I... I needed to hear your response to what he was going to say. I mean, he wouldn't stop talking about the two of you's kiss during the entire weekend, and it made me so frustrated. Then he went on about how he was going to confess his feelings and ask you out, so I figured I just had to know whether you would turn him down or not. Therefore, I followed you guys this morning and overheard your conversation."

Suddenly, a smirk made its way to his pouty lips, and the next second our lips were so close that I had to inhale a shaky breath. "So you were jealous after all, eh?" He winked.

Not liking to be at a disadvantage, I pressed my hands against his chest to create some space between us. "Well, of course I was, but I was mostly curious about whether you liked him or not," I lied because I was very aware that jealousy was the main reason why I had followed them this morning.

Rolling his eyes, he let out a snort. "If you say so."

Right then, the bell rang, which surprised me. I thought it had rung ages ago because it sure didn't feel like Harry and I had only been in here for five minutes. What surprised me even more was that he didn't make any move to leave. Instead, he looked into my eyes in deep thought. I could tell he was thinking by the crinkle between his eyebrows, and honestly, I couldn't look away from him. God, why did he have to be so naturally beautiful?

"You never told me if you planned to make me fall for you and if you still want me hurt after everything that happened in the past," he mumbled, the playfulness in his voice now long gone.

I pulled my eyebrows together, shaking my head. "I never intended to make you fall for me. I just wanted you to realize the pain you caused me when you started ignoring me. It had nothing to do with feelings or anything like that. To be honest, I never even thought of the fact you might like me back until a few weeks ago."

He looked surprised by this, yet still very confused. "But I still don't get it. Why did you kiss me if you knew it couldn't lead to anything? That just gave me false hope, you know? Besides, would it actually hurt so bad if we just gave it a shot? I mean, what are the odds my mum and your dad will find out about it if we are being careful?" He tried to convince me, but I had already made my mind up a long time ago.

"Harry, you just don't get it," I sighed, running a hand through my soft, brown hair. "I know the odds might not be that high, but I can't risk it. They're still high enough, and if my dad found out... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he wanted nothing to do with me."

"I don't think they would kick us out, Louis, but if it for some reason would happen, can't you just stay with your mum? I mean, she would probably be delighted that you decided to move in with her."

And just like that, I could feel my heart drop in my chest. All the pain and thoughts I had managed to keep as far back in my head as possible came flying back like a snap of the fingers as if they had been there all along. And suddenly, all I wanted was to leave, get away from this bathroom and away from him. My legs started shaking, and before I knew it, I was slamming the bathroom door shut behind me, leaving a shocked and confused Harry to stare at the plain, white door in front of him.

Since the bell had rung, the hallway was thankfully pretty much empty, so I didn't gain anyone's attention as I made my way towards my locker. Once there, I opened it and grabbed my jacket before making my way towards the closest exit. As soon as I inhaled fresh air through my nostrils, I let out a deep breath and leaned my body against a pole nearby.

With shaking hands, I searched my pockets for what had been my lifesaver ever since the accident took place two years ago. My cigarettes. I lit one up with the lighter I always brought with me and took a deep drag from the cancer stick.

Instantly, I could feel myself calming down on the inside. There was just something about the smoke that always relaxed me whenever I needed it the most, like now for example. Even though I was aware that it wasn't the best way to solve the problem, it worked fine, and I didn't really care that it was bad for me. As long as it helped, I was happy.

I stayed there for a couple of minutes, not caring that I missed my first class, or that my friends were probably worried about me. I didn't even care what Harry thought or did at the moment, whether he had joined class or not. The only thing I focused on was to keep the thoughts about my mother out of my head and instead pay attention to the cigarette between my fingers.

When it was only the butt left, I dropped it to the ground and stomped on it before turning around to walk into the building again. Maybe I wasn't entirely composed after everything that happened, but I also knew that I couldn't be a wimp and stay outside for the rest of the day. As long as I could keep myself away from Harry, I would be alright... I hoped.

-----

It turned out it was easier said than done to stay away from Harry, which I had known deep down since we shared all of our classes. I could feel his gaze on me several times during the day, but I tried my best to ignore him. At least he didn't attempt to talk to me, which I was more than happy about because I wasn't sure whether I could take that right now.

It wasn't like he had done anything wrong, but I knew he would only question why I had run away like that if he tried to talk to me, and I didn't want to have that conversation with him. Therefore, I tried my best not to make eye contact with him whatsoever.

It was hardest during the last class of the day; P.E. since we (of course) were selected to the same team while playing basketball, but it actually turned out pretty okay in the end. Sure, we made eye contact sometimes, but I looked away as quickly as possible whenever it happened.

What I was happiest about was that neither of my friends or Eleanor seemed to notice that something was off with me. In between my lessons, they only went on like normal and talked like they usually did. It actually calmed me more than it probably should because then I didn't need to worry about them asking me what was wrong.

When the last bell of the day rang, I quickly showered and changed into my casual clothing before heading towards the bus stop where some students were already waiting for the bus to show up. I sat down on a bench nearby and fished my phone from my jeans pocket to distract myself from reality. Not more than two minutes later, the bus showed up at the end of the street and came to a stop right in front of me.

I hopped onto it and sat down in an empty seat, waiting for it to start moving so I could finally get home after this long school day, and hopefully without Harry noticing me.

Once we were at the right bus stop, I jumped off and started walking home, checking my surroundings to make sure there wasn't any curly-haired boy in sight. When the coast was clear, I started heading to the house with quick strides. It thankfully only took a few minutes until I got there and could step into the empty home. The first thing I did was to shrug off my backpack, slip off my shoes, and hang up my jacket on the hanger before making a beeline towards the stairs. I didn't even care about the fact that my stomach was grumbling for food. That would have to wait until later.

I slammed my bedroom door shut behind me and literally threw myself on the bed, face-first onto my pillow. Closing my eyes, I let out a deep sigh and reached my hands up to hug the pillow against myself. It wasn't until then I finally let the thoughts and memories about my mother enter my mind again, and this time, I couldn't control them. Flashbacks from the day everything happened started playing on my retina, making my body start shaking a bit.

It was on a cold Monday night. Snow was falling from the sky and my dad and I were waiting for my mum and sister to get home from the doctor. My sister was only a few months old at the time, and the reason they were at the doctor was that she had been screaming more than usual the last couple of days and both mum and dad were worried. We all knew that dad and I should have gone with them, especially since it was the middle of December and they were going to Manchester, but dad had been working late and I had stayed at school with Harry a bit too long. Therefore, neither of us was with them.

Dinner was served, and dad and I were sitting at the kitchen table when he suddenly got a call.

I remembered how he looked down at the screen, furrowing his eyebrows since he didn't recognize the number. At the time, I didn't think too much about it. It was probably just someone from his work who wanted to know something, but when his entire face turned emotionless, I knew something had happened. My heart stopped beating immediately, and I could feel my body start shaking because I knew that it was about mum and Lottie. I just knew.

A few seconds later, he hung up, still with that emotionless look on his face. He didn't even have to say anything, I was already certain that it was bad news, really bad news. His face changed then. Instead of being entirely emotionless, he broke down. It was so hard to witness it because I had never seen my dad this way before. He was always so strong, holding his feelings back because he didn't want anyone to worry about him, but this time he couldn't help himself, and I understood why. Not at the time, but subsequently.

The only words he spoke were; 'mum', 'Lottie', 'accident' and the worst of them all; 'dead'. I remembered feeling my whole world crumbling down, and the dinner that consisted of chicken stew and rice that had been waiting so long to be eaten was far gone in my mind.

The worst part wasn't the fact that they were dead, but the fact that I would never see them again. I would never see the woman who gave birth to me again, the one I had always looked up to, spent my childhood with when dad worked late, the woman I thought would see me grow old. I would never be able to hug her or tell her how much I loved her again.

That was what killed me. It was unfortunately also at that time Harry started getting distant, so I didn't have anyone to talk to because I didn't have that close of a relationship with either of Zayn or Niall. We were just buddies who hung out at school. Harry was the one I could really talk to, the one I had started trusting with my life, but he was drifting away. So instead of caring, I decided to just drop everything and change completely. I started picking on Harry. I was mad that he didn't care about me anymore, but also because he thought that stupid girl was more important than me. I stopped caring about school again. Only this time, I didn't even care that my grades were bad, which I had done when I asked Harry for help. It was also at that time I started smoking, as I mentioned before. The only thing that actually surprised me was that I never tried to kill myself because I did have thoughts about it, trust me. But as I also mentioned before, I would never be able to do that to my dad. He had already lost two of the most important people in his life. I would never make him lose a third just because I decided to be selfish.

Therefore, I went on with my life and tried making the best out of it, even if I felt like shit for at least a year. It wasn't until a few months ago that I was finally able to start moving on from the accident, and my sister and mum's deaths. It was tough, but I knew that if I didn't try to let it go, I would never be able to move on, which I was glad about now. It helped a lot, but that didn't mean I was keen on the fact that dad had found someone new. Even if I had managed to start putting everything behind me, I didn't want him to move on although I knew it was for the best. I just missed my mum so much it hurt.

I didn't know how long I lied there, my face buried in my pillow while being deep in my thoughts, but I could suddenly hear footsteps on the stairs. To my fear, I could hear them stop outside my bedroom, and for a second, I thought the person would knock on the door. However, a second later, the footsteps continued down the hallway to Harry's bedroom.

That was certainly a close one.

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Before you say anything, I know that it's been ages since I updated, and I apologize. I have had my reasons though, personal once that I don't feel comfortable sharing. It's nothing too bad, it's just affected my life quite a lot. However, I haven't had the best motivation either, I might admit, but I hope that I'm back now. I don't know, but at least this is something for you guys :)

Pauline .xx