Deirdre.

Deirdre.

"Deirdre!" I screamed. I latched onto him sobbing. He stopped, stunned, before hugging me back with the same amount of force.

I haven't seen him in years. I hate how attached i still am, but I can't help it. "When did you get here? Why are you here? Are you staying?" I was asking a million questions at once, but I just haven't seen him in so long.

What if he doesn't like the new me?

I forgot I had changed.

I don't look like the Virgil he used to know.

I'm not the Virgil he used to know.

he doesn't actually love me anymore. 

He's probably only here to mock me.

"Hey, stop those dirty thoughts Virge. I know that look like the back of my hand. I really mean it when I say i love you." He spoke softly.

I always loved his voice. Soft, gentle, and sweet. Timid like he knew that everything he said would go into the air and fall apart. Dull like there was no use in the words that he spoke. Every syllable sent a wave of hopelessness down your soul, but filled you with an odd comfort in the end. 

I think I missed his voice the most.

"Well, Morality, I guess you were right." A calculated voice sounded from my left.

"You see! I wouldn't lie about this!" A warm father like voice came next.

"Deirdre." A cold and dramatic voice was heard last.

Logan, Patton, and Roman.

"Hey guys. Guess who's back!" Deirdre smiled that weak smile of his and I swear my heart melted. "Deirdre, Why are you here?" Roman asked harshly. I've never seen him so rude to Deirdre before. He knows how fragile he is. 

"Oh! um, hey Roman?" The statement sounded more of a question than a greeting. I wrapped him in another hug. "Hey, stop being so harsh Roman. You know how he is." I spat back. I immediately felt bad.

He thinks I'm an asshole.

He thinks I'm rude and so do the others.

They don't want to hang out with me anymore.

I felt a gentle squeeze on my hand. Deirdre always knew how to calm me down. I sent him a grateful smile before turning back to the others. "Ugh, he's been back for two minutes and you're already all over each other."

Yeesh, I knew that Roman didn't necessarily like me, but this is a little harsh. "Oh my god I know right! It's so cute! I just missed you two together so much!" Patton smiled widely, showing his blindingly white teeth. "yes the lack off Romance around here has definitely left us all a little more glum." Logan added in.

"I could add plenty of romance!" Roman shouted, a look of exaggerated betrayal spread across his face. "Oh really? With who?" I asked rolling my eyes. His face turned bright red while he tried to sputter out a response. I guess he couldn't think of anything because he shortly stormed off.

"That was weird, he isn't normally like that..." I trailed off, unsure of how to react. What was that all about? "Don't pay him any mind, lets go catch up." Deirdre grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes.

I forgot how dull his eyes were. All of our eyes are slightly different. Patton's eyes are a arm brown that has orange rings near his pupil, making them bright and happy. Logan's are more detailed then any of ours; a chocolate brown with lines of black and what almost looks like navy blue. Roman's are a deep dramatic haze; rich brown on the outside and olive green in the middle. My eyes are dark and brooding, dark brown all the way around.

but his eyes are different. They looked glossed over like he's on the verge of tears and the iris is a dusted light brown, like cinnamon, but those eyes have no life behind them. They look like they're begging you to kill the host and let them close forever. Those eyes make me feel heavy and worthless.

I quickly look away seeing him start to breath quickly. My eyes have the same affect as everyone else. If stared into to long, they can make anyone immediately more anxious, eventually forcing them into a panic attack.

Everyone else's eyes have positive affects it seems. Patton making you feel happy and emotionally stable, Logan's calming and making you feel more calculated, Roman's filling you with confidence and the courage to walk in front of a crowd.

It always made me feel so mean and wrong. Deirdre was always someone I could relate to. Depression and Anxiety do go hand in hand.

"Yeah, you want to go to our old room? I still have your old headboard." It's embarrassing to admit but he smiles and blushes. "Really? That's so sweet. Yeah let's go, I want to see how you redecorated." 

I smiled and grasped his hand. It was cold. I remembering him always cold but he felt almost dead this time. When I reached the door I stopped. I remember when it was locked and I had to stay with Roman for a bit. Why does that make me feel so warm inside?

I shook the thoughts away and opened the door and Deirdre's face immediately lit up. "It's so pretty" He exclaimed. I giggled as he flopped face first into my bed and commented on how good it smelled, but I couldn't help feel like I was with the wrong guy.

Our relationship was never perfect, some would say it was even toxic, but we loved each other at the end of the day. Why do I doubt that know? Who has let me in enough to make me question my feelings for Deirdre? Who would I ever be with other than the depressed emotion?

When I think of the person I could only dream of being with I think of gold and red. I think of warm smiles and bold voices. I think of someone singing me to sleep and being confident in themselves, but also confident in me. I think of rich silk and the smell of honey. I think of-

Holy shit.

I think of Roman.

A/N Hey would you look at that, I'm not dead! Yeahhhh so this one is finally out. I feel bad for leaving you guys hanging for so long, because usually I hate it when authors do that and then I look at myself and yeah. I'm disappointed in myself but I'm just not that motivated. Writers block. Not to mention this isn't my main fandom so it's not gonna be an often updated kinda deal. Just so you guys know and we're on the same page, don't get mad if updates aren't regular. It's hard as it is.