Author's request:
If you have opinions regarding what happened in Advik's past, that are different from Naina's interpretation of events, please don't put them in the comments. I don't want to read about how you think that Advik was a monster in his childhood.

Naina

I paced my room nervously, glancing at the clock. It was 12:40, and I had just twenty minutes before Adi was supposed to arrive—if he showed up on time, that is. I had messaged Zayne to let him know I was finished at the clinic and that he could come home now, but I hadn't received a response.

After returning from the clinic, I felt unclean and restless. I quickly washed my face and body. I applied tinted sunscreen that doubled as moisturizer, followed by a light lip stain. As I reached for my mascara, I hesitated. Should I go all out and dress up? I didn't want Adi to think I had made an effort just for him. But then again, Zayne would be here too, and the thought of him made my heart race.

I stood in front of the mirror, contemplating my options. I carefully applied my mascara, adding just a touch of blush to my cheeks. Zayne had always appreciated me in traditional attire, while Adi preferred western outfits. I decided to wear the lilac salwar kameez that Zayne had got for me from Biba.

My phone buzzed at 12:40.

Zayne: Don't meet him please.

I was in a panic.

Advik had called me last night. He told me that Tara had given him my number. He said that he wanted to meet me and that he would answer any questions I had. That he needed closure too, especially about what had happened that day. I needed this just as much as he did.

Naina: Zayne, I have to... I really don't want to meet him by myself. Can you please come home? He'll be here soon.

I didn't want to do this alone. I was scared—not of Adi, but of myself. Without Zayne to ground me, I feared I would get carried away like I had when I visited Adi earlier this week. I worried that I would be pulled into our past and lose sight of the present.

There were times when it took every ounce of strength I had to keep thoughts of Advik from invading my mind. Yet, he would visit me in my dreams. On those days, when I woke up, it was only the thought of Zayne that compelled me to get up from my bed. It was only the thought of Zayne that made me want to look forward to tomorrow, to the future.

I was scared that if I faced Advik alone, I would lose sight of everything that Zayne and I had built together. I needed him to be here, by my side. I needed him.

But there was still no response from Zayne. Just as I was about to call him, there came a knock at the door. My heart raced; I didn't know if it was Advik or Zayne?

With my heart pounding loudly in my chest, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

Advik. Just the sight of him was enough to send a jolt of electricity through my body. I didn't understand how he could elicit such a strong physical reaction every time we crossed paths. Feeling dizzy, I gripped the door frame to steady myself. His eyes widened, and I saw him lurch forward as if to catch me, but then he took a step back, looking away instead.

"Come in," I said softly.

He stepped into my living room, a small space that always felt more crowded when he was around. He settled onto the couch while I chose the chair across from him. He sat up straight, but I noticed his left foot was shaking, the only sign of his own discomfort despite his otherwise calm exterior.

We sat awkwardly in silence, and I could already feel the tears stinging my eyes.

"Do you want tea or coffee?" I asked Advik, remembering my manners.

He looked at me, surprised, and then shook his head. "Naina," he said, and I swallowed. He hardly ever called me by my name, and it sounded strange on his lips. He paused, seeming to notice it too. I saw him take a deep breath; he wasn't as calm as he made himself seem.

"Naina, you have to look forward in life," he said, locking his eyes with mine—eyes I once thought I would gaze into forever. I took a deep breath, trying to steady myself, and he flinched at my reaction. Still, he continued, "I needed to stay away from you to heal. If I had stayed with you, I would have hurt you again, and the guilt would have destroyed any chance of happiness we had."

Tears filled my eyes, threatening to spill over. I sniffled, knowing there was truth in his words, yet wishing I could have done something to help him. Why had I married Zayne? Adi and I were soulmates; we weren't meant to be apart. We couldn't be apart. A sob escaped my lips.

"Is Zayne good to you?" he asked, his voice strained with emotion.

I forced myself to calm down and nodded, using my dupatta to wipe my eyes. There was no use pretending that I wasn't crying. "He is very kind. Patient."

"Then you have to learn to love him. He is your husband. What we had was great, but it was never meant to be forever." As he spoke, his voice trembled, and for the first time, his face betrayed the emotions he had been holding back. Tears glistened in his eyes.

"Adi, did you really black out that night?" I asked him. I needed to know this.

He stared at me for a few seconds, blinking as if processing the question before he replied. "Does it make a difference?"

I frowned. "It does to me."

He took a deep breath, his gaze shifting to a spot behind me. "I block out bad things, Nia, you know this..."

I did know. He had confided in me about his past, how he had experienced gaps in his memory and had to piece together what had happened. There is only one person in the world to whom I had shared a version of his story, and I will not write it here. But it is enough to know that I believed him; I knew he was speaking the truth.

"Nia, listen," he said, his voice trembling with raw emotion. "Just because I don't remember it, that doesn't mean it wasn't me who did it. It was me, Nia... I hurt you, and if we were together, I would do it again. I should have broken up with you after the first time. I should never—" He let out a sob, his entire body shuddered. "I should never have let it get to where I..."

My heart shattered at the sight of him, so vulnerable and tormented.

"You are so lucky you can cry, Nia"

I stood up hesitantly and settled down next to him. "It's okay, Adi, I'm okay..." I rubbed his back gently, hoping to offer some comfort. He stiffened at my touch and instinctively moved a little away from me, and I pulled my hand back.

"Are you getting therapy, Adi?" I asked, breaking the heavy silence.

He stared straight ahead, avoiding my gaze. He didn't wipe away his tears but took a deep breath.

"Yeah, I'm getting therapy. And I'm on fluoxetine and Aripiprazole," he replied, his voice steadying slightly.

"Doesn't the Aripiprazole make you sleepy?" I asked. His hours were already worse than mine and Zayne's, and Aripiprazole, an antipsychotic also used for anxiety and refractory depression, often caused drowsiness.

"It's the only way I can sleep," he shrugged.

My heart ached for him.

"I'm better now, Nia," he said, his eyes searching mine as if he were seeking something I couldn't quite grasp. "But I can't forgive myself for what I did to you..."

"I forgive you, Adi," I replied softly, hoping to ease the burden he carried. I truly forgave him for what he had done to me that day. but what I struggled to forgive was the way he had shut me out afterwards—his refusal to talk to me, to discuss what had happened, and the way he had ended things between us without an attempt at resolution.

"I hate who I am when I'm with you. Please leave, Naina, don't make it harder than it needs to be."

But when I looked into his eyes, so tormented and filled with pain, I found myself unable to say anything else.

"What if it had been me the last time too, Nia? What if she had been saying the truth?"

His face was a portrait of anguish, and I knew exactly what he was alluding to—the haunting memories of his childhood;when he had been taken advantage of and then threatened with blame if he dared to speak out. The fragments of that dark time that remained shrouded in shadows, the terrible accusations made by the woman who had preyed upon his innocence and the lies she had spun when she realized he had gaps in his memory. My heart broke for him all over again.

I cannot write more than I have about this here, but the way the perpetrator had bullied him verbally and threatened him left no room for doubt in my mind that he had been the victim, not the perpetrator.

"Adi, no..." I said softly, wrapping my arm around him. He looked so broken, so afraid. "Adi, you didn't do that... you were just a kid. You had never done anything like that before... you wouldn't have even known how to... Adi, you cannot blame yourself..."

As the tears streamed down his face, I held him close, feeling the tremors of his grief. I stroked his hair the way I had a million times before, hoping to offer him some semblance of comfort.

"Adi, you didn't hurt her," I whispered, my voice gentle yet firm.

I pulled back, searching his face. "Have you been blaming yourself all this while?"

The realization struck me like a thunderbolt. It had taken him so long to heal from his trauma, to realize that he was deserving of love and empathy. I couldn't fathom the turmoil he would be experiencing if he had linked what he had done to me with his past.

He made a muffled sound, his head buried in my neck.

"Adi, talk to your psychologist about this. Please..." I urged.

I felt his hold on me tighten, and I sensed his body beginning to relax. Slowly, he withdrew, his gaze meeting mine with a vulnerability that made my heart ache.

"You are everything to me Nia, I love you, I always have and I always will.."

And just like that, I broke. I didn't know how it happened, but suddenly, his lips were on mine. He was kissing me, and I was kissing him back. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer, as if trying to merge our very souls.

It felt as though the last ten months of my life had never happened. I belonged to him, and he belonged to me. His lips traced along my jaw with a desperate urgency, and he kissed my neck, sucking at my flesh with an intensity that sent my senses spiraling. I tugged at his hair, a primal need coursing through my veins, urging me to lose myself in him completely.

But as I closed my eyes, Zayne's hurt face invaded my thoughts—Zayne, tying that heart shaped necklace around my neck, Zayne, holding me close when I cried; Zayne, telling me that we were going to be okay; Zayne, telling me that he loved me.

I pushed Advik away from me, disentangling myself from his form. I stood up and took several steps back. What had I done? I was married—married to Zayne. I had kissed Advik. I had cheated on Zayne. How could I ever tell Zayne about this? How could I keep it from him?

It took me a few seconds to realize that Advik was speaking, his voice frantic. He had stood up too, but he didn't try to touch me again. "I'm so sorry, Nia, I'm so sorry."

"Leave, Advik," I said, my voice coming out much stronger than I felt inside. "You need to leave."

I walked to the door, holding it open.

"I'll call you," Advik said urgently.

I shook my head. "No, I'm going to block you, Adi. This shouldn't have happened. I can't."

My mind was reeling. Advik had kissed me, and I had kissed him back. It had felt so familiar, so right, as if we were picking up where we had left off.

But suddenly, everything became painfully clear. Advik and I would never have worked. We wanted different things, needed different things. There was a side to him that was possessive, almost controlling, that had always lurked just beneath the surface.

"You know how relationships can be different in and out of the bedroom? In the bedroom, I'd like to be able to control you."

He had tried to explain to me how BDSM was an outlet for some of his needs, how it could serve as a release for the turmoil that often churned within him. He spoke of it as a form of liberation, a way to regain control through the dynamic of dominance and submission in a safe environment.

"It will be okay," he assured me. "We can set boundaries if we plan it, and that way my problems won't affect my behavior in real life."

But I couldn't do it with him. I felt a knot of anxiety tighten in my chest at the very thought. I hadn't fully understood what he meant when he said he needed it, especially during moments when he felt like he was losing control of everything around him. I had sensed the desperation in his voice, the underlying fear that drove his desire for such an experience, but I couldn't. I just couldn't do it.

"Nia, princess, it isn't about wanting to hurt you," he said, his voice low and earnest. "It's about feeling like I could control... something..."

I shook my head. How did it help him feel in control? How would it help him to hit me, to hurt me, to punish me?

"Princess, it's not about wanting to control you, it's about feeling like you are in control of something," he clarified, his eyes pleading for understanding. "It's just an outlet... when I feel..." He paused, swallowing hard. "It's okay, Nia. I don't need any of that. I love you. All I need is your love. It's more than enough."

I had never truly understood it before, but now everything clicked into place. He had been talking about the feelings of helplessness that haunted him, the shadows of his past that lingered like a dark cloud. He was broken, and I realized that I was not the one who could fix him. I had never been meant to be his savior.

On the other hand, I recognized my own compulsive need to please him, a desperate desire to be the person he needed. But I couldn't give him what he needed without losing who I was. No matter how much we both wanted to be right for each other, it was glaringly clear now that we weren't. Our love alone had never been enough, and it would never be enough.

And then there was Zayne. How could I face him?  How could I even begin to explain to him what had happened?

I had already washed myself, but I stepped back into the shower, scrubbing my face, my neck, trying to wash away my betrayal.

But when I looked in the mirror, my heart plummeted. There, on my skin, just above my collar bone, was a red spot—where Advik had sucked on my flesh.

I applied concealer over the red spot and let my hair fall over it.

I wasn't crying. I didn't need to cry. I had lost Advik, yes, but for the first time, that grief didn't come with the suffocating weight of "what if." It was a strange sense of liberation, a realization that I was finally reclaiming my life.

It was going to be okay.

I checked the time—two thirty. Where was Zayne? I reached for my phone to message him, but it was dead. I plugged it in to charge and decided to take a nap. I was exhausted, having barely slept the night before. It didn't take long for sleep to claim me.

But then, I felt something heavy pressing down on me. I tried to move, but there was no space. I was trapped between the wall and something solid.

Panic surged through me as I fought against the confines of my surroundings. It struck me that I hadn't locked the front door. My heart raced as I opened my eyes in a sudden panic.

Thank you for reading.

Remember that you are amazing, and there is a reason for everything. You are going to be okay.